Chapter Text
One – Everyday, in every way.
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My name is Pippa Fitz-Amobi. I’m seventeen years old, and I think about death all the time. Some days I think about committing the act myself, others I think about accidents that could happen to me. Sometimes I even imagine the people closest to me doing it. It’s this lingering feeling that lives in my bones and seeps into my brain, kinda like a song you just can’t get out of your head. Always in the back of your thoughts. I’m glad when I get a brief grace period between these thoughts. Like maybe, “What would it be like to get married?” or “Is dating your best friend a good idea?” Of course, the neutral and happy thoughts don’t last long but I’m incredibly glad they exist anyway. At least, I think I am. These thoughts overtake everything else.
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Cara is rambling on and on about some girl she met at practice and all I can think about is my plan tonight. I try to refocus on her words but honestly I was never interested in any of the girls she talks about. Maybe all I wanted was her attention. Doesn’t matter, I won’t have to worry about that soon enough. A few moments pass and Cara is suddenly nudging me and repeating my name.
“Pip? Piiiiippp??” Cara drawls. I finally snap back into the moment. “Yeah? What- what?” I grab her wrists to stop her insistent shaking. “Were you even listening? You’ve been spacy all day.” Cara whines. I smile to try and hide my thoughts. “Yeah, fine. Just don’t want to hear you ramble on about some girl for the hundredth time.” I smirk and nudge her. “Oh, har har.” Cara rolls her eyes. I lean back in my chair and glance around the library. We’ve been here for a while now and this chair is uncomfortable. I want to go home. “Cara, wanna come over?” I look back to Cara. She smiles and starts packing her stuff up. “Yeah.” Her voice is soft. Almost makes me want to stop the plan, listen to her voice instead. And as quickly as that thought enters my head it gets pushed out as I remember what I have to do.
I grab my bag and get up, waiting for Cara to join me. We leave the library and get in my car. I start the engine and the ride to my house ensues. “Soooo..” Cara clasps her hands together in her lap. “‘So’ what?” I glance at her through the corner of my eye suspiciously. “I’m always talking about who I’m interested in so I was just wondering if you had any interests?” Cara glances out the window trying to seem nonchalant. It does not work. “Really?” I mutter. “Really.” I see her smirk slightly in my peripheral. I sigh. “Nope. No one.” I say bluntly. “What?! Come on! There’s gotta be someone!” Cara throws her hands up. I simply roll my eyes. “Really. There’s no one.” I shrug, pulling to a park outside my house. “I’ve got better things to worry about.” I grab my bag and get out. Cara huffs as she follows behind me. “Fine, keep everything to yourself then, nerd.” She grumbles.
I unlock the door and we step inside, leaving our shoes by the door. Barney runs up to us, almost knocking Cara over as he knocks into her legs. His tail wags as we pet him for a minute or two before heading upstairs. We head into my room and I shut the door behind us. Cara collapses onto my bed with a sigh of content. I sit beside her and set my bag beside the bed.
“What do you wanna do?” I ask as she sits up. “Movie?” She smiles. I smile back and fish my laptop out of my bag. “Are you staying tonight?” I ask as I unlock my laptop and slide it over to her so she can choose the movie. “Yeah. That okay?” I nod and scoot back against the pillows, patting the spot next to me. She settles next to me and starts some movie.
We watch the movie in a comfortable silence. Eventually I check my watch. It’s about 11:22pm. I glance at Cara. It’s time to start the plan but I’m nervous. Scared. “Cara?” I say softly sitting up. I can already feel the guilt and regret eating away at my gut as I scoot to the edge of the bed and sit up. She closes my laptop, confused and moves to sit next to me. “Yeah? What’s up, you’re being weird.” She bumps her shoulder into mine. “You…I need you to leave. Okay? And-” I swallow hard and take a deep breath. This part is gonna hurt the most. “What? Pip, what are you-” I cut her off. “Just go. I can’t- I can’t deal with you anymore.” I’m lying through my teeth and I know it but I need this to work. I let my voice raise slightly. “I’m tired of you always being around.” I can almost hear Cara’s chest tightening. “What- Pip, you were the one who invited me over!” She stands. I follow suit.
“Well I wish I didn’t. I’m sick of your face. I’m sick of your voice, and I’m sick of you!” I let my voice raise more. Let my fists clench and my body tense. I’m not sick of your face. Or your voice. I promise I’m not sick of you, I just need this to happen. I need to cut you off before this happens. It’ll hurt less. “Pip- you can’t- you’re not actually serious, right?” Cara laughs, though it comes out more a pained huff. “I’m serious. I want you to leave.” I cross my arms. “Pip, we can talk about this! Don’t-” I cut her off again. “Go! Okay?! Go and don’t-...don’t come back. I turn around to hide the tears stinging my eyes. “Pip..you’re-..you’re seriously telling me to go?” The genuine and raw pain in her voice feels like a stab through the heart.
I take a deep shaky breath. “Cara, just go. Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” My voice has dropped to a whisper at this point. “Me don’t make this harder than it needs to be? Me?” I can hear her voice wavering and her sniffles. “Just go! Why are you still standing here?! You heard me!” My own voice wavers slightly. I hear her mouth open like she’s going to try one more protest. She doesn’t. After a moment she leaves the room. My bedroom door slams behind her and she rushes down the stairs. There’s a little shuffling before the front door opens and slams shut.
My body slumps and I drop to my knees. The tears start pouring from my eyes. I don’t bother to wipe them. I lay on the floor, curling into myself. Maybe I’ll just stay like this for a while.
12:49pm
Eventually I get up. I scrub the tears from my face with my sleeve. Maybe this is where I change my mind. I won’t. I’m not going to. I move to my desk, pulling the drawer open and popping open the secret compartment. The bottle is there. Right where I’d left it. I let out a shaky huff of air and pick the bottle up. I can still turn back. There’s time. I still have time. But I can’t. I need this. I sit on the floor and I open the bottle. I take a deep breath before swallowing the pills. It’s difficult and I almost spit them back up but I get them all down with some spit and water. I lay down in the middle of my room and close my eyes. Just let time pass by and my body rest.
I think quietly as I lay. Maybe I’ll wish I’d given myself more time. More time to do something with my worthless life. Wish I wasn’t just a nerd who couldn’t even confess to the girl she’d liked. Though it was too late for that now. I’d done what I’d done and soon enough I’d stop having my thoughts. My body is starting to feel hazy.
I open my eyes and glance to the side. Cara is sitting beside me, holding my hand. She’s rambling. Smiling, her mouth moving. I can’t hear her but my body relaxes further at the sight of her. That was comfort enough. I let my eyes shut again. I breathe out.
Nothing comes back in.