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Making the right choices and setting proper priorities had never been Natalie’s strongest suit. She knew that better than anyone who’d ever tried to throw it in her face. For years, she’d used it as an excuse, an explanation, and a reason all wrapped into one – just to cover the chaotic current of her life with a crooked, ugly, yet oddly convincing façade of indifference.
But maybe this time she’d really outdone herself. Here she was, about to get dead drunk on the hospital rooftop – the very place that had become both her salvation and her damnation – while any minute now, they could call her in to prepare for the heart transplant that might save her life.
Maybe, deep down, she just hoped she’d never wake up. Maybe dying right here would be easier.
Until recently, she hadn’t stood a single chance of getting a healthy heart. Of course not – not with her record, not with the lab results that showed more substances than a meth lab. People like her don’t get put high on transplant lists. And she would never ask to be. She was the last person anyone would give a heart for. She didn’t deserve one, and never would.
Especially if it was Travis’s heart.
He was the sun, the moon, and every star in the sky. People like Travis were never supposed to end up in places like this – places with more despair than hope. He was supposed to live his best life, not think about dying at seventeen, not be strapped to a hospital bed covered in wires and monitors, barely alive. Almost not at all.
Natalie had done this to herself – though up until the very end, she hadn’t realized just how bad things had gotten. Not until they brought her in by ambulance. It was a regular Saturday morning, and she was still half-drunk, trying to make her way home from some random apartment she’d crashed at, when she collapsed backward at a bus stop.
She had killed her own heart – that’s what the doctors told her. Alcohol and drugs weren’t exactly compatible with the only thing her father had left her: a weak heart.
Travis, on the other hand, had spent half his life within these walls, hoping one day he might finally leave. And now he was closer to the end than ever, having signed over his heart to her, in case this time death decided to win.
To her – the girl he hadn’t even known a month ago.
They met for the first time on Natalie’s very first day in the hospital. She was yelling at a nurse, throwing whatever she could grab, demanding to be released from this goddamn place right now. She was terrified and alone, and the only way she knew how to handle that was by pretending to be strong. Pretending to be someone who couldn’t be hurt.
That’s when he walked in. So casually, as if he lived there. He pushed the door open and leaned against the frame. He didn’t look at her with mockery or judgment, not even like she was the crazy girl she must’ve seemed. There was only exhaustion in his eyes, maybe a touch of nerves, but not a hint of hostility.
It completely threw Natalie off her manic track. She froze mid-sentence, staring at the boy with the oxygen tank standing in the doorway.
“Stop yelling. My friend in the next room has a terrible migraine. Please.”
His voice was deep and steady, a little detached. He seemed to lose interest in her the moment she went quiet.
“Akila’s got a migraine. Again,” he said to the nurse, a note of quiet reproach in his voice. And to Natalie’s surprise, the nurse,after making sure the room had calmed down, immediately hurried off to the next one, obeying Travis as if he were one of the doctors, not another patient.
He pressed a finger to his lips before leaving too “shh.” Natalie, who had never been met with such calm in response to one of her outbursts, nodded awkwardly and bit her tongue.
Soon she learned plenty about the mysterious boy. About Akila – his friend with anorexia, with whom she instantly failed to get along. About his sweet little brother, Javi – the kindest kid Natalie had ever met. And of course, about Travis himself.
Funny thing – before ending up here, Natalie thought hospitals were full of people talking about illnesses. In reality, that was the one topic nobody liked to touch. And talk about the world outside faded fast once you were in here, in this tiny self-contained universe, cut off from everything else, with its own order, rules, and chaos.
They talked nonstop, night after night. Sometimes in her room, when Travis stayed with Akila until she fell asleep, then dropped by to see Natalie. Sometimes on the roof, if the night was warm and the nurses on duty weren’t paying too much attention.
They talked about music – they had a lot in common there. About movies – where their tastes couldn’t be more different. About cooking – which Natalie knew absolutely nothing about. Sometimes, closer to dawn, the conversations turned to painful childhoods and messed-up families. To dreams, regrets, plans. To everything and nothing.
It was the first time in Natalie’s life that someone cared so genuinely about what she liked – someone who wasn’t drunk, or trying to get into her pants. And, to be fair, she’d met very few people as fascinating as Travis.
She knows Travis loves detective stories. He likes female vocals in rock songs. He enjoys cooking, but only if no one hovers over his shoulder giving advice. Especially when it comes to Italian food. He likes reading biographies, because it lets him live dozens of lives in one. He can’t stand team sports, actually, any sport at all. He dreams of visiting Cuba. He believes in ghosts. And he’s afraid of deep water.
He felt sorry that Javi had to spend so much time in hospitals because of him, and that their mom never smiled within these walls.
But when it came to his illness, he hardly ever talked about it. And he never asked about hers either. Everything important they learned from doctors and nurses. The rest, they didn’t waste time on. Not when there was so little of it left. Not when it could all end any moment, right after meeting someone who suddenly made you wish time would just stop.
Deep down, Natalie knew that kind of happiness couldn’t last forever. Not for her. She thought about it – even though she tried to push the thoughts away, not to let them overshadow the fragile moments they still had. But later, alone with herself, she couldn’t hold them back anymore. Lying awake in her hospital bed, staring at the cold white ceiling, she thought more than she ever had before, about everything she’d ignored, everything she’d run from.
There’s no place better than a hospital room to rethink everything that’s ever gone wrong in your life, and everything that still is.
In the end, she even started to think she was ready for the ending they both knew was coming. Only – it was supposed to be her. She was the one who was meant to die. It made sense. It was right. There was no cure waiting for her. He knew how to play the game with death, and he’d beaten it so many times before that he wasn’t supposed to lose now. That version of events, Natalie could accept.
But not this. Not what actually happened. She wasn’t ready for it – hadn’t even let herself imagine it. It didn’t seem real enough to imagine.
And now here she was. And he was there.
Natalie – the girl who’d always thought of herself as heartless – had learned that the heart she ended up with was broken, and that it could hurt more than she ever thought possible. Hurt so much she wanted to tear it out of her own chest and throw it away. No new heart. No doctors. No anesthesia. She’d do it herself, and to hell with everything else.
The metal door to the roof creaked open. Natalie didn’t bother to turn around. The only person she’d want to see standing there was tied to a hospital bed three floors below. And everyone else, whoever they were, she couldn’t care less about.
“What do you think you’re doing!” That’s Akila. Of course, she knows exactly how to show up where she’s least expected.
“What do you want?” Natalie asks, unsuccessfully trying to suppress a sob, wiping her tears with the sleeve of her sweater.
Instead of answering, Akila snatches the bottle from her hands with a sharp tug and hurls it aside. Her unnaturally thin frame doesn’t have the strength to shatter it, and the glass clatters across the floor, spilling its contents everywhere.
Natalie barely managed to take a sip before it hit the ground. Any other time, she would have protested, shouted, maybe even tried to hit whoever dared do that. But now, she barely has the energy to cast Akila an angry glance. Anger boils in her chest, but finds no outlet.
“And this is what you’re going to do? Get wasted like a damn fool while Travis is on death’s door? After everything he’s done for you?” Akila shouts, gesturing wildly. Natalie has never seen her like this. Honestly, she wasn’t even sure Akila had any human emotions left besides exhaustion. Turns out she was wrong.
“What’s it to you? You never thought I deserved him anyway.” Natalie spits the words like poison. She knows exactly what she’s doing. She wants to hear all those awful things Akila’s ready to throw at her – everything Natalie already believes about herself. If she couldn’t drown in alcohol, then maybe self-loathing will do.
“And right now you’re proving me right!” Akila’s voice trembles now, and for a second Natalie isn’t sure she even understood the real reason she came up to the roof.
“But Travis is my best friend, Nat.” Tears spill down her cheeks. “He’s my best friend, and I love him so facking much. And for some reason I’ll never understand, he loves you. So you’d better be there for him right now! You have to be, no matter what I think of you!”
Natalie feels a deep, dull ache of disappointment at Akila’s words. They’re softer than she expected. Far more forgiving than she deserves.
“How am I supposed to look his mom in the eye? Be there while she knows everything?” She probably looks pathetic, tear-streaked and pitiful, offering herself up in the hope Akila might hit her, scream at her, give her the punishment she can’t give herself.
“You’re so selfish! Do you think Gloria even cares about you while her son is dying?” Akila wraps her arms around herself, clutching her trembling shoulders.
Something inside Natalie breaks at her last words. Why is everyone so certain he’s going to die? Why is there no hope?
Because it’s true, a cruel inner voice whispers. The doctors murmur sadly as they pass his room. They avert their eyes, never looking Natalie in the face. White coats never speak the truth aloud, but they’re easy to read. Natalie learned that quickly.
Then Akila does something Natalie didn’t expect at all. Her eyes widen in surprise as Akila reaches out her hand.
“Come on.” Her voice is broken but still insistent, braids falling like vines to shield her swollen, tear-streaked face as she leans toward Natalie.
In that moment, every misunderstanding, every grudge, every argument between them vanishes. All that remains are two suffering souls, bleeding tears, reflecting each other’s pain. Natalie takes her hand and rises to her feet.
Together, they make their way to Travis’s room, but that’s where it ends. Akila slides down the wall, sitting near the door, burying her head in her folded knees. It’s as if the whole world ceases to exist for her, and Natalie can’t bring herself to judge.
She knocks just once before opening the door. In the corner of the room sits a slumped, huddled woman. Natalie barely recognizes her as Mrs. Martinez. Near Travis’s bed, on a chair, sits Javi. The boy immediately springs up, surprising her, and rushes into her arms. Natalie freezes for a moment at the suddenness before wrapping her arms around him in return.
“Nat!” he sobs desperately, so small, so helpless and alone in her arms. Her chest aches at the thought that she doesn’t have the strength to protect this child. She can’t help anyone.
“Travis was waiting for you,” Javi says, and a fleeting, barely flickering spark of hope ignites in Natalie.
“Was he conscious?” she asks, her voice trembling with fear.
“No, but I know he was waiting.” The spark dies instantly, drowned in a fresh wave of hopelessness.
Javi approaches his mother, gently tugging at her shoulder. He pleads for something in Spanish, his tone begging, but the woman just waves him off, neither lifting her gaze nor changing her position.
Natalie could only guess what Javi had asked, that she be left alone with Travis. Because he himself stepped out into the hallway, joining Akila. But Natalie felt some relief that Gloria hadn’t left. She couldn’t have forgiven herself if she had sent her away. Besides, her presence felt more like being near a ghost than a person. She seemed far away from here, lost in her own thoughts, or perhaps memories.
Finally, Natalie’s gaze found Travis. She nearly vomited right there in the room. Unable to keep herself upright, she sank to her knees beside the bed. She rested her head on its edge, pressing her tear-soaked cheek against his warm hand.
Travis didn’t look like he was merely sleeping. And it wasn’t even the tubes and monitors. No, something had changed in his face. There wasn’t a trace left of the calm, sarcastic boy she had met on her first day. Yet it was still her Travis – so familiar, so necessary, like air itself. And yet, he was about to leave her forever.
“Hey.” She moved slightly, pressing a kiss to his knuckles, right beside the spot where the tape covered the IV needle.
Gloria still didn’t react in any way. After waiting a few more seconds, Natalie made sure she could speak freely.
“You scared everyone, you know that?”
The only answer was the steady, mechanical beeping of the monitors.
“If this is your way of making me watch that horribly boring Irish detective show from before we were even born, fine. I’ll do it, you hear me? We’ll watch whatever you want. I won’t complain ever again. Just wake up, okay?”
Natalie had no idea where her body kept finding enough water for all these tears, but she couldn’t stop crying. Realizing she truly didn’t care about anything else anymore, she knew she’d agree to whatever he asked – do anything he wanted, if it would only bring him back to her, make things the way they were. She’d rewatch every classic Irish movie he ever loved. She’d become the leading expert in the universe on the subtleties of Irish cinema.
“If you did this because of me… don’t you dare.” She whispered into the blanket, already soaked through with her tears. “You’re such an idiot if you think I need this. God, you’re such an idiot!” In desperation, she kicked out, banging her knee hard against the floor. She didn’t care about the pain.
“I don’t need your heart, Travis. I need all of you. I need you…”
Natalie spent long hours on that floor. Doctors came and went, recording vitals, checking things. Natalie didn’t care. Javi and Akila appeared now and then, sipping cup after cup of coffee. Gloria remained in her corner, barely moving, still lost in some sort of trance.
Natalie had no idea how much time had passed. In the stuffy, dimly lit room, time had distorted so much it was barely recognizable.
Until the beeping of the monitors suddenly stopped,and in its place, a sound erupted, capable of shattering galaxies, the emergency alarm calling the medical staff.
Natalie couldn’t have known how she would react. No one ever does. But in that moment, when it was finally over – she felt nothing. Inside her, a vast, all-consuming black hole opened up, swallowing every feeling, leaving only emptiness. Nothing. Her body suddenly felt like a useless shell wrapped around that hollow void.
She didn’t even flinch, neither when Travis’s pulse faded beneath her fingers, nor when the doctors began to rush around the room. She remembered nothing of what came after. How did the others react? Did Gloria ever come out of her trance? She couldn’t bring herself to care.
“Get her out of here!” one of the doctors barked, and someone lifted Natalie to her feet, dragging her from the room. The tears streaming down her face no longer came with sobs – they had become an uncontrollable flow, spilling over with indescribable grief that had hollowed her out completely.
When her hand could no longer feel Travis’s fingers, she lost the last thing she had left to hold on to.
After that, everything became a blur. They were taking her somewhere, she wasn’t sure where. The doctors moved with brisk, practiced precision; every second seemed to matter. Somewhere, deep inside the fog of her mind, Natalie understood what they were about to do. What Travis had wanted.
She didn’t resist. In the world that had gone dim, there was no point in screaming or fighting anymore. She didn’t want to argue – not if Travis would never be there to calm her down again.
He would never look at her with that soft, steady gaze. His low, velvet laughter would never fill her room again. Never again would he spend hours telling her about the most boring things in the world, things that somehow became fascinating simply because it was Travis who was talking.
He was gone. And with him, her soul had died too. So what did it matter now what they planned to do with her body? They could tear it apart for all she cared,she wouldn’t be able to feel a damn thing anymore.
She only hopes she’ll get to see him one more time in the operating room.
But no. Even that is forbidden now.
Natalie breathes in the anesthetic gas through the mask, obediently counting down from ten to one.
“Five.” She prays. Let me fall asleep.
“Four.” Just let me never wake up again.
“Three.” Cut me open with that scalpel, don’t bother being gentle–it’ll be better that way.
“Two.”
Her eyelids, heavy as lead, begin to fall shut. Natalie hopes it’s forever.
“One.” A single tear slides down her lashes. Everything goes quiet. Not just inside her, but outside too.
Natalie wakes up with a sharp gasp, lungs burning as she claws at the air. The bright white light cuts into her eyes like knives.
The first thing she does is reach for her chest, feeling for the scar that should be there, but there’s nothing. No stitches, no bandages. Just her usual clothes instead of the hospital gown.
And this… this place doesn’t look like a hospital room at all.
She’s lying on a sterile white floor, in what looks almost like a hospital hallway – except it’s too white, too empty.
No objects. No color. No smell. Only a staircase leading upward, and a blinding glow spilling from above.
“What the fuck?” she mutters, sitting up, testing whether she can even move. She can.
Despite the vast emptiness around her, her voice doesn’t echo.
“Am I dead?” she asks out loud, not knowing why – there’s no one to answer anyway.
She feels no fear. Just confusion, and the weight of not knowing what to do next.
This doesn’t feel like hell. And she’s way too sinful for heaven.
Should she… walk into the light?
“No. You’re not dead.”
The voice cuts through the silence.
A voice she could never forget.
A voice she’d recognize even if she lost herself completely.
“Travis?”
He’s standing a floor above, casually leaning on the railing, smiling at her. And in that moment, Natalie doesn’t care whether this is heaven or hell – she’s running, leaping over the steps, unable to believe her eyes. She rushes, terrified he might vanish into the air before she reaches him.
But Travis doesn’t disappear. Not when she falls into his arms. So alive. Holding her exactly the way she remembers. His scent,finally unmasked by hospital antiseptics, wraps around her.
“How…? Where are we?” Questions whirl through her mind. Natalie wants answers and fears them at the same time. But in the end, nothing matters if she can be here with Travis.
“Somewhere in between,” Travis answers, breathing into her hair, threading his fingers through the ends. It’s always been his weakness.
“Right now, they’re transplanting my heart into you.”
Natalie slowly starts to grasp the reality of what’s happening. She reluctantly pulls back, gripping his shoulders to keep him close, looking straight into his eyes. So serious that it makes her uneasy.
“You… you actually did it?”
He nods, pressing his lips together in guilt. Natalie wants to wipe that look off his face. He shouldn’t look guilty. Not now. This – this is for her.
“If you’re dead, then why are you here with me?”
“I didn’t want to leave without saying goodbye.”
Travis gently moves her hands from his shoulders, brings them to his lips, and kisses each finger one by one. And Natalie softens.
She can’t afford to be angry, to argue – not when, apparently, they only have a few hours together. A shaky breath escapes her. She doesn’t want to cry again, doesn’t want to waste what little time they have left. But what does waste even mean? How can anyone live a whole life in just a few hours? You can’t. All you can do is cling desperately to everything at once, knowing you’ll still lose it all. She’s doomed to be broken either way.
And she doesn’t want that.
It’s all written on her face, every thought, every scattered line of her chaotic mind. Because Travis immediately senses the panic rising in her, the quickened breathing, the trembling chest.
“Hey,” he whispers, “wanna get out of here?”
He presses her palms softly against his chest. Natalie barely has time to be surprised by how steadily his heart is beating –
the same heart that shouldn’t even be his anymore.
“Why didn’t you just say we could leave?”
Relief mixed with irritation washes over her, and Travis tilts his head, trying to take in every feature of her face, every little wrinkle on her brow. He wants to remember everything.
“I guess you just need to think about where you want to go, or something like that. Basically, we’re in your subconscious right now.”
He shrugs.
Travis must have been here before. He’d had plenty of surgeries.
Natalie tries not to think about the little scared boy left completely alone in this strange, unfamiliar place for the first time. The image of Javi clutching her a few hours ago flashes in her mind.
Natalie covers her face, trying to focus. She doesn’t have many places tied to happy memories – places she’d want to return to. For a fleeting second, the idea of the hospital rooftop where they spent time together comes to mind. But it vanishes quickly. It’s not worth wasting everything on those silly walls that brought them so much pain.
A minute later, the white space around them begins to dissolve, like morning mist under the first rays of dawn. Natalie reaches out, panicked, searching for Travis’s hand. But he’s already there, ready to catch her, to calm her. He whispers something, barely audible, guiding her to hold the image in her mind.
They find themselves on the shore of a large lake. On the beach, all the benches are covered with tarps, the market stalls tightly locked with rusty padlocks. Not a soul around, just the two of them. A chilly wind brushes against their skin, not cold enough to freeze, just enough to make her pull the sleeves of her sweater down over her fingers. The entire surface of the lake is scattered with yellow and red leaves, fallen from the trees surrounding it.
Strange, Natalie thinks,this should be early spring. She glances up at Travis, puzzled, expecting an explanation. He seems to know quite a lot about how things work here.
“If this is how you remember this place, then this is how it will be,” he says softly, moving his hand through the air. Natalie loves this irritating little habit of his.
She nods. This lake – she really knew it, remembered it just like this. It held, perhaps, the only truly happy memory from her childhood.
That morning, her father woke up happier than she had ever seen him. Wandering around the house with a cigarette, humming some song from the radio, he told her and her mother to get ready. Natalie didn’t know where they were going, but both mom and dad were sober, and not a single argument had broken out that morning. In the car, they let her pick the cassette they’d listen to along the way and even stick her head out the window, shouting into the wind.
At the gas station by the lake, her father bought her hot chocolate piled high with marshmallows, even though she hadn’t asked for it. She had long learned that any request made him angry, but not that day. That day, he was the dad she’d asked Santa for in every letter, every Christmas. He lifted her high into the air, and she laughed, arms spread wide, as if the whole world had opened beneath her, and somewhere in the distance, she could even spot the Eiffel Tower.
They jumped into piles of leaves, rolling through them completely, and her mother didn’t even scold them for the messy clothes. She just watched quietly, occasionally tossing pebbles into the water.
Just one day before everything became unbearable again, just like before, but Natalie remembered that day down to the tiniest detail.
Hearing the story, Travis let out a low, saddened sigh.
“Oh, Nat.”
A shiver ran through her. He almost never called her by the short name, only when something made him pause deeply, when a shadow of sadness passed over him. Mostly, when she spoke about her past.
But that wasn’t what she needed. She didn’t know exactly what she needed, but it wasn’t that.
Shaking off the melancholic expression on her face, Natalie grabbed Travis’s hand and pulled him toward the biggest pile of leaves, shoving him in. She jumped in after him from above, showering him with leaves.
Travis laughed, a little bewildered by the sudden change in mood. But he would have been lying if he said he wouldn’t rather spend all their time in this lighthearted, carefree way.
Natalie froze, just inches from his chest, pressing him to the ground with her body. A gentle smile lingered on her lips at the sight of the wonder in his eyes as he looked at her. He always looked at her as if she had lit every star in the sky by hand. He almost never kissed her first, never quite believing he could. It was endearing, how such an innocent, luminous person could think he didn’t deserve her battered, rotting soul.
Natalie presses her lips to his. It’s not even a real kiss, just long, unhurried, impossibly gentle touches. Right now, they don’t need passion or desire, only the attempt to speak with their bodies what cannot be spoken aloud. What they are still too afraid to say. The unbearable longing that can neither be forgotten nor dulled. No painkillers, no anesthesia could ever touch it. A plea, a prayer that is doomed never to be heard. Never to be answered.
Natalie cries again, sprinkling salt over Travis’s surprisingly resigned face. Only in his eyes gleams the same aching longing.
“I don’t need your heart, Travis,” she repeats, lightly tapping his chest with her palm.
Travis is silent, stroking her hair, grown long at the roots.
“My heart has been yours for a long time, Natalie. Don’t you really understand that?” There’s so much bitterness in his voice that, just from hearing it, all the sugar in the world would turn to graveyard soil.
“Why did I never tell you I loved you while you were still alive?” The question is more for herself. Another reason she will blame herself for the rest of her days. He deserved more – so much more.
“I… I fucking love you, Travis.”
He doesn’t need her to say anything. He’s already shown her all his feelings – more than he should have, more than he could, more than all the hearts in the world could ever hold. But he couldn’t have done it any other way. That’s just the kind of person he is, the kind of person Natalie fell in love with.
“I love you too. I love you so much, Natalie.” He kisses away her tears, and she can’t hold back the trembling, nervous laughter.
The autumn beach around them melts away, carrying them back to the white space. Natalie doesn’t want to leave their quiet lake, but no matter how hard she tries, it’s futile.
“Travis?” She’s terrified out of her mind. Could time really end so quickly?
“Not yet, but soon. They’re waiting for me upstairs.” He gestures toward the light above.
A sudden realization pierces her mind. If there’s an exit, if he has to go, then what’s stopping her from following him? It’s that simple–she wouldn’t have to go through her personal hell, she would just need to go upstairs, after him.
“So I can go there with you?” she asks hopefully, and Travis blinks, staring into her eyes, trying to gauge how serious she really is.
“No! Not a chance!” He couldn’t shout at her, but it’s as close to anger as he can get toward Natalie.
“I don’t want to go back without you, don’t you understand!” Natalie clings to his shirt, tugging at the hem. Pointless – not anger, just desperation.
“That’s exactly what you’ll do. You’ll live.” Travis pulls her close, pressing her tight against his chest. “Come on, calm down.”
“I don’t want to be alone.” She pleads, knowing he wouldn’t agree in any case. But she keeps trying.
“You won’t be alone. I’ll always be with you. I’ll be your heart, remember?”
“I’ll take your heart to Cuba,” Natalie promises. “I’ll show it the Küsturica festival. I’ll take better care of it than I do of my own.” She buries her face in his chest, feeling him slipping away – slowly, colder, from her grasp again.
“It’s time.” Now he’s crying too. Natalie hopes that in his strong embrace there will be bruises left on her – a reminder that everything truly happened.
She can only shake her head helplessly. No… it’s too soon, not the time yet.
“Don’t let my heart be sad, Natalie.” That’s the last thing Travis says before disappearing from her hands.
“I’ll love you forever.” Left alone in the void, she vows, pressing her fist to her chest.
Awakening in the real hospital room, surrounded by machines, she can barely move. There is no pain – too early for that. Only the heartbeat feels different now. Natalie isn’t sure she will ever be able to take her hand off her chest, stop tapping her fingers in time with Travis’s pulse.
She can’t cry anymore. He wanted it that way. And Natalie swallows the lump rising in her throat, watching as a lone orange autumn leaf drifts into her window on the wind. Right at the end of March.