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Krailert was in his office, jumping between his work papers and his musical scores. After Naran had left, he wrote a song, “Beyond the Clouds”. He didn’t have any pictures of him, anything physical to remember him by, only his memories of them together, their secret movie nights, their rendezvous in the library, and now, this song.
Dhevi won that day. She wanted him, and she got him, 100% percent of his life and his body belonged to Dhevi, but not his heart. His heart had a different owner.
Trin had moved back to France, and he went back to his job with the military, but Pracha wasn’t there anymore. It wasn’t a completely clean place, but at least some weeds had been removed. Krailert wanted to make a change, and to really help the people, he believed they had the means to make it happen.
He spent almost all day at work or hiding in his office. To the outside world, he was the perfect husband, and they were the perfect couple. Reality was very different. Krailert learned to pretend, to pretend to be a good husband, a good partner, and something he dreaded, a good lover.
Every time Dhevi approached him at night, he felt himself die a little more inside, but she had made it clear, Naran’s freedom had a price, and he was that price.
To their surprise, and Krailert’s relief, Dhevi got pregnant pretty quickly. The news changed her in a good way, she could spend hours looking for things for the nursery, picking out blue clothes, because she knew she was having a boy, strong like his father and wise like his mother, she spent her time knitting dozens of blankets.
She barely left the house. She wasn’t a social butterfly before, but after finding out she was expecting, she closeted herself even more. Only going out only to attend official dinners, and even then she usually left the events as early as possible to return home.
The prospect of the baby left Krailert in second place, which meant he had more time to himself and to dwell on the past. He used this time to compose music, which was what he was doing that afternoon.
He heard something falling, and then her screams.
”Lert!”
He jumped on autopilot and ran to where he thought the screams were coming from.
“Dhevi?”
He rushed to the bedroom, and found her bent over her vanity, clenching her fists against the wood, a pooling of liquid at her feet.
”The baby… something is happening with the baby.”
Krailert stepped forward to hold his wife, and then noticed that even though the liquid dripping from her legs and pooling on the floor was somewhat clear, there was blood in it, a lot of blood.
”We need to get you to the hospital.” He supported her weight, guided her to the bed, then quickly took the phone from the night stand and dialed the emergency number. “Hello, this is Colonel Krailert Suwannaphat. My wife is in labor and I think something is wrong, there’s a lot of blood.” Someone said something on the other side, and he cut the call with a “Khrap.”
Dhevi was sitting on the edge of the bed, her body bent forward, with her hands on her knees. She was looking at the red stream escaping her body, staining the white linen and the carpet under her feet.
“What is happening?” She turned to him, tears brimming in her eyes and he moved next to her. Her hand instinctively reached for his, and he let her hold it.
”Help is coming.” He didn’t know what else to say. He knew the human body had around 6 liters of blood, and he couldn’t measure how much she had lost, but he was sure it was far too much.
Soon they heard the sirens, and in no time a team of medics were storming inside the room to check on her. Krailert stepped aside to let them work, and watched helplessly as they laid her on a stretcher and rolled her to the ambulance.
He sat in the front with the driver. He couldn’t see what was happening behind them but could hear them speaking low and quick and moving around a lot. Something was definitely wrong.
When they arrived at the hospital, they rushed her inside, and left a very disoriented Krailert to deal with the admission. He didn’t know what to do. Veera wasn’t there anymore, Naran was also gone, and Trin was in France. He could call Dhevi’s brother’s, but he didn’t know what to tell them, so he called the only person he could think of.
”Krailert…” He raised his eyes and saw Moira walking to him. “What happened? Are you ok?”
“It’s Dhevi.” He answered like a robot. “Something is wrong with the baby. She is bleeding a lot.”
“Oh Lord…” Moira pulled him into a hug. “Everything will be alright… you’ll see. Dhevi is a strong woman, and she and the baby will be ok.” She rocked him like a child, comforting him.
Eventually, they decided to contact Dhevi’s family. Soon the three brothers barged in the waiting room, demanding information and giving orders. But they were met with the same answer that Krailert had been given, she was still in surgery, and the prognosis was reserved. He didn’t have to be a doctor to understand what that meant. They didn’t know if she was going to live or not.
Moira was sitting down smoking a cigarette, and the brothers were doing the same while pacing around, and Krailert… he was just sitting there, motionless, sight lost in a humidity stain shaped like a cumulus cloud on the wall in front of him.
Finally they heard steps approaching, a figure dressed in a surgical gown walked toward them.
“Khun Suwannaphat?” He looked around, reading the men's’ faces.
”Khrap.” Krailert stood up. “I’m Colonel Suwannaphat, I’m Khun Dhevi’s husband.” He felt his hands shaking, so he held himself. Moira moved next to him, putting a supporting hand on his arm.
”I'm sorry, Colonel, there have been some complications.” The doctor looked at the other men staring at him. “She had lost a lot of blood, and there was nothing we could do, I’m so sorry.” He let out a slow breath.
”What about the baby?” Moira asked. Right, the baby… Dhevi is pregnant.
Was.
Dhevi was pregnant.
”The baby is ok, you’ll be able to see him later, once they make sure everything is fine.” He made a faint to leave. “If you’ll excuse me…”
”Can we see her?” Krailert asked, and the doctor hesitated.
”I’ll ask the team to prepare her, and you’ll be able to see her.” He turned around and left the room without looking back.
One of Dhevi’s brothers’ let out a pained cry, another one went to punch a wall, and the third one had to stop the second. Krailert stood there, frozen in place, trying to understand what just happened. He felt two small arms hugging him, and a lone tear rolled down his cheek. He closed his eyes, freeing all the tears he had kept hidden all this time, and cried for all the things he had lost.
The light in the operating room was dimmed, Krailert walked in alone, he wanted to say his goodbyes, and everyone understood.
Dhevi was laying on a cold, metal stretcher, her hair combed back, and with a white sheet covering her naked body. You could still see the remnants of her pregnancy, the shape of her now empty round belly. She looked beautiful, she had always been a beautiful woman.
Krailert searched for her hand under the sheet, her skin was cold.
“I’m so sorry…” He pulled her hand closer to his face and caressed it with his cheek. “I’m sorry I couldn’t be the man you wanted from day one. Maybe I didn’t love you the way you loved me, but I never wanted anything this… wrong to happen to you.” He ran his fingers through her hair. “They said we had a boy, you were right. You were always right.” Krailert chuckled. “I promise I will take great care of him. Goodbye Dhevi.” He kissed her hand one last time and placed it back under the sheet.
When he exited the operating room, the three brothers were waiting for their turn to say goodbye. They walked past him, and he was left alone with Moira.
”They told me you can go see your boy.” She patted his arm. “Do you want me to go with you?”
Krailert didn’t say a word, just nodded, and followed her through the corridors of the hospital. They stopped in front of the nursery. It was a big room with a glass wall where you could see the babies inside, sleeping in their small cribs. They all looked the same to him.
”That one is yours.” Moira pointed to a crib with a sleeping baby bundled in a blue blanket.
The nurses inside saw him and quickly opened the door.
”Khun Suwannaphat?” He turned to look at her. “I thought it was you.” She smiled gently. “I’m so sorry for your loss.” He turned his gaze to the baby. “Would you like to hold him? I’m sure he’ll love some hugs from dad.” She joked, lighting the tension.
”I don’t know if I should…” He was still looking at the baby. “What if…” He turned to the nurse. “He needs his mother.” It was more a statement than a question.
”The love of a father is better than the love of no parent.” She smiled, gently. “Come with me, I’ll help you.”
She guided him inside the nursery, and sat him in an armchair.
”Ok, wait one second…” She moved away, picked up the sleeping baby from the crib, and came back, placing the small human in Krailert’s arms.
He wasn’t crying, barely moving. It was as if he knew that if he lost it, Krailert would lose it too.
“I've prepared a small bottle. Do you want to feed him?” The nurse was standing next to him with a very small bottle in her hands.
“I don't know how to. I've never…” Having a baby had never been on his bingo card. He didn't like women, so the thought of making a baby was one he never had. Until Dhevi put him against the wall. And here he was.
He had thought the child would be Dhevi's job, her little toy to play house with, like she always had wanted, and he would be a hard working father figure. He would love the child, he was his blood, but he would never truly be his. Just another weapon Dhevi would use to keep him.
But Dhevi wasn't here anymore, and the little bundle waking up in his arms, stretching his little hands towards him, was his, only his. He was the only thing this baby had, and he was going to do everything in his power to make this baby the happiest ever.
“You just have to move him to your chest, and place the bottle near his mouth. He will know what to do.” Her smile was gentle, she was treating him like fine glass that could break at any minute.
Lert did as instructed, soon the baby started sucking from the rubber nipple. And he cried silently, thinking of the new life they had ahead of them.
A life with his son.
A life without Dhevi.
Maybe he would finally be free.
Six months had passed since Wiran was born. It took him a while to adjust to all the changes, to the absence of Dhevi, to the crazy feeding schedules, and to feeling love again.
He had hired a nanny to help him with the newborn, and considering the circumstances, the army had granted him a paid leave to take care of his family, to deal with the loss of his wife.
Every day was like a dream come true. Waking up next to his son, being able to spend time feeding him, playing, or just napping together. That little human was healing his crushed heart day by day.
When it was time to go back to his work, Krailert realized something; he didn't want to.
He didn't want to go back to the old days, to the old games, to suck things up because it was meant to be like this. He had a taste of freedom, and he didn't want to be caged again.
So he talked with his superiors to find a new position, a new job that could help him spend time with his son and continue working in a more relaxed and less dangerous environment.
People didn’t understand why he wanted to stay home, to do the job of a wife or a maid. Some even advised him to remarry as quickly as possible, find a nice lady, maybe an older woman, who wouldn't mind raising someone else's baby. He would never marry a woman again, but the world wasn't ready for that conversation, so he just thanked the people, shrugged and told them that he was still honoring the memory of his late wife.
And luck was finally on his side. His boss told him that they were looking for people to work in the embassy, that he had sent Krailert’s info, and they were very interested. The best part is that the job would be in America.
It was a dream come true, he didn’t hesitate a second and accepted immediately. America meant a clean slate. Being free from Dhevi’s family, from the army, and from the ghosts that still haunted him in Thailand.
They arranged the transfer to the Thailand embassy in the United States, and when all the paperwork was finalized, he took his son and flew across the globe.
His job in the embassy wasn’t very complicated, he was in charge of keeping record of the Thai civilians living in New York, ensuring their safety, and also their compliance with American laws. And thanks to his high rank in the army, he had access to some information that was inaccessible to other ordinary workers.
A house and a nanny were provided for him. His son was too young to attend any school, so someone had to take care of him at the house. Krailert was happy with that, he spent some hours in the office, and then he went back to his house to spend the rest of the day with his son.
Months passed, and Krailert was getting used to his job. Since it was pretty simple, he decided to go one step further, and contact the Thai citizens he was keeping record of, just to introduce himself as their new link with the Thai embassy.
Even though this was also proving to be an easy task, he still contacted them by phone, and if they wanted, they arranged an appointment to meet in person. Until now, everybody was pleased to know that his figure existed, but no one had asked for an in person meeting.
Krailert dialed the next number in the list, and then checked the name. His heart stopped in his chest just at the same time that someone answered their end of the line.
“Hello?” They asked. “Hello?”
Krailert took a deep breath and cleared his throat.
”Khun Pitayatorn? Naran Pitayatorn?”
“Yes, it’s me. Who is this? How can I help you?” Krailert had to control himself to not shout at the man on the other end of the line about who he was.
”I'm Khun Suwannaphat,” he didn't use his military rank during the calls, people usually reacted badly to it. “I work for the Thai embassy.”
“Is there any problem? I thought all my papers were up-to-date.” Naran quickly added, and Krailert’s heart did a pirouette in his chests.
“Everything is alright, Khun. I've been assigned as the new liaison between the Thai embassy and Thai citizens living in the New York area, so I'm just calling the residents I am appointed to, introducing myself, and…” Krailert took a deep breath. “If possible, schedule a meeting in person.”
“In person? Is it mandatory?” Naran asked.
“It is advisable to hold at least one interview in person.” He lied.
“Oh…” Krailert couldn't see Naran's expression, but he would have bet that he was opening his eyes wide, and tilting his head slightly. “Ok, then. But I'm traveling out of town for a week, it should be after that.”
“That’s no problem at all.” It had been almost four years since the last time he saw Naran, one more week was nothing. “So, is it ok if I drop by your place in ten days? I have time flexibility.”
“Let me check.” He heard him rummaging around, and coming back to the phone. “Ok, that day I could do it at five in the afternoon, I hope it's not too late.”
It was late, he was supposed to be at home with his son at that time.
“It's fine, no worries.” He would have to pay the nanny extra hours. “See you in ten days, and have a nice trip.”
“Thanks, see you.”
They both hang up and Krailert could feel his heart in his throat. He couldn't believe that he had just spoken to Naran, to his Naran.
A crazy thought crossed his mind, what if he wasn't his Naran. Maybe it was someone with a similar name that had been transcribed to English like his.
There were around five thousand Thai people living in the US, it would have been too much of a coincidence that he was living in New York, and that he was assigned to him. Krailert had only read the name, and the voice through the phone sounded too distorted to be able to recognize him. He would have to wait ten days to see if he was his Naran or not.
When Krailert arrived home, his son was already taking a bath, he walked into the restroom to find the boy covered in bubble foam and a very tired nanny trying to control the little beast.
“What’s happening here? What’s all this mess?” The man chuckled seeing the toddler pick up some foam and try to throw it at him. “I think my luk needs some discipline.” Krailert knelt in front of the tub. “Miss Fisher, you can go, I’ll take it from here.” He smiled at the nanny, who rinsed her hands in the tub water, bid her goodbyes to the baby and the father and disappeared down the stairs.
“How was your day luk?” Krailert asked the toddler while rinsing his hair and body with the help of a bucket inside the tub. “You had fun with Miss Fisher?” Wiran was too little to speak yet, barely a year old, but Krailert liked to talk to him. “I know she’s different from pa Buaphan, but she’s great, you’ll see, and she’ll teach you English.” He said the last word intonating it up, and the kid chuckled. “Yeah, English is important here, and you’ll be very good at English and Thai… because papa will teach you Thai too.” He smiled at his son and once he had removed all the soap, he swaddled him in a towel, took him out of the bath and brought him to his bedroom.
He took his time changing him to his pajamas, tickling him and enjoying every second with this little human that brought him so much happiness. His son gave him a reason to continue living.
Once the boy was finally sleeping he went to the kitchen and heated the food Miss Fisher had left for him. He was lucky to have found her.
Krailert sat at the kitchen table and looked at the time, it was six in the afternoon, around five in the morning in Bangkok, maybe it was too early to call Trin. He ate slowly, watched some TV, read a little, and was going to catch up with some work, but the first file on his desk was Naran’s, so his mind wandered.
After two hours roaming around, he took the phone and dialed his nephew’s phone number in Thailand.
“Hello?” A sleepy voice answered from the other side of the line. It wasn’t Trin’s voice.
“Tanwa? Sorry, I’m Krailert, I wanted to speak to Trin, but if you’re sleeping I’ll call later.” Krailert knew about Tanwa, after the Naran fiasco, Trin was the only person he could talk to, and after moving to Paris, they continued to keep in touch by phone.
Eventually Trin told him about Tanwa, and although Krailert offered many times to intervene on his behalf, Trin always rejected the offer. Until one day Moira contacted him asking for Trin’s address. Surprisingly, it was Tanwa who was taking the first step, and if that could help his nephew achieve the happiness he had been denied all his life, he was going to help him as much as he could. After that, they moved back to Thailand.
“Oh, lung. No, don’t worry, Trin is awake.” Tanwa quickly added, "I'll go find him.”
He heard the noise of the phone being left on the table and then some muffled sounds coming from somewhere in their apartment.
“Aa Lert? Is everything ok?” Usually, when they called each other, the one calling tried to do so when it was afternoon on the other side, but Krailert had changed that pattern and Trin got scared.
“Everything’s fine luk,” The colonel smiled, although the other man couldn’t see him.
“Are you sure? Is Wiran ok?” Trin wasn’t convinced at all.
“Wiran is fine, he’s growing up really fast. I’ll send you pictures soon.” He answered pridefully. “I just started the new job here, and it’s very different from what I did back in Thailand.”
“So, something happened…” Trin pushed, and Krailert chuckled, defeated.
”I found him.” He finally confessed. “I think I found Naran.”
”You what!?” The shock was apparent in his voice. “And you dare tell me, nothing happened?” Krailert smiled and heard Tanwa speaking behind Trin. “Sorry babe, no, no, everything is fine, I just got excited… ok, coffee is fine, thanks, love you.” The colonel blushed internally hearing the conversation between those two, it was everything he had always wanted. “Sorry Aa, you were saying?”
Krailert told him about the decision he had made to call the residents he was assigned to, and to introduce himself, he knew Naran was in the US, or he guessed. After what happened four years ago, it was too dangerous for him to stay in the country, and the plane ticket was for New York, but a lot of time had passed. He could be anywhere.
He explained how he was calling everyone and found his name. How he had pushed for the meeting when it wasn’t necessary, and how nervous he was at the possibility of seeing him in ten days.
”Do you think I did wrong not telling him who I was?”
”Didn’t you? Because you told me you introduced yourself…”
”But I didn’t use my title and name.”
”Are you sure it’s him?”
”No.”
”Then you did nothing wrong. For now, he’s someone that has his name, or similar to his name. You can’t be confessing through the phone to everybody who sounds like him.” Trin joked.
”I wasn’t going to confess through the phone.” Krailert paused. “I don’t even know if he’s single. Maybe he is married and has a family.”
“Wouldn’t you be able to find all this info if you wanted?”
”I could, yeah.”
“And why don’t you? It would be easier.”
”Because it is his life, it is his choice to share those things with me.” Trin hummed, affirming. “I don’t know if he still thinks of that time, of me…” Krailert ran a hand over his face, exasperated. “Why am I acting like a teenage girl?” He let out a pained laugh.
“Because he was your last love, Aa Lert.”
“What if I get hurt again…”
“Then you’ll mend up your wounds, stand up, and continue living. Like you’ve done all this time. And you’ll find your happiness, you deserve it.”
Krailert had to hold back his tears and not start crying right there.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it… and call me when you see him.” Trin chuckled.
”I’ll call you in tears, don’t know if they'll be happy or sad tears.” He joked. “Gonna go to sleep, Wiran will be up in no time.”
“Don’t forget to send me pictures or my little cousin.”
They bid their goodnights and hung up the phone.
Ten days had passed since he made the appointment with Naran. Ten days that happened too fast and too slow at the same time.
Krailert continued with his calls at work, still offering the in person meeting, but not really encouraging it. And only a couple of people had requested it.
At home everything was still the same, he arrived home from work, helped take care of his son, spent some quality time together and then went to sleep.
It was finally the day he was meeting Naran, when he woke up in the morning, Miss Fisher was already there, with the breakfast ready and a happy Wiran sitting in his high chair, munching some fruits and cookies.
”Good morning.” He greeted Miss Fisher who greeted him back, and then placed a kiss on top of his son’s head. “Good morning angel, enjoy your meal.” He sat at the table and took a sip of the smoking hot coffee in front of him. “Miss Fisher, today I have a meeting at five, is it ok for you to stay a few extra hours? I will compensate you, of course.”
As expected she didn’t have any problems, and accepted right away. That gave Kraillert some peace of mind, at least his son would be taken care of while he was probably having a heart attack.
The day passed in slow motion. He had the feeling that every time he looked at the clock, it said the same time. 8:00, five hours later 8:05, three hours later 8:15… it felt like torture.
So he just hyper focused on his job. Checking paperwork, calling people, preparing documents, doing the basics. Until finally, his watch marked four o'clock. Time to leave the office, and time to go to Naran’s place.
He parked his car in front of the address he had written on a piece of paper. It was an old building, in a nice neighbourhood. It wasn’t the best, but it wasn’t the worst part of the city either.
Krailert took his briefcase with his notes inside, in case he had to be professional and proceed with the interview, and walked to the building. He pressed the apartment button, and soon heard a buzz letting him in. He took a deep breath and opened the door.
The two stories of stairs felt too short. Because in no time, he was in front of the door of Naran’s apartment. He knocked on the wood, and waited.
When Naran heard the knocks, he didn’t know what to expect, it was the first time someone from the embassy had contacted him, and he was nervous. He looked around, checking that there was nothing that could be suspicious and could cause him any problems. Once he was sure that he was safe, he opened the door.
The man in front of him was looking down, fixing something in his briefcase. Tall, well built, and well dressed, he was a guy that clearly had everything given to him since he was a child for sure, and he possibly got his jobs because of his contacts.
”Hi, you must be Khun…” The stranger looked up, and he met his eyes. Same big, round black eyes. “Krailert?” He could feel his heart beating faster, and his breathing accelerating.
”Naran…” A contemplative smile formed on the elder’s lips. “It is so good to see you.” Krailert had rehearsed many sentences a thousand times in his head, long time no see, how have you been… many options that were less emotional. But his lips were faster than his brain, and that’s what he blurted out.
”What? How?” Naran was more than confused.
”Can I come in? I don’t think we should have this conversation in the hallway.”
”Sure, yeah…” The owner of the apartment moved aside and let the other man in.
”You have a lovely place.” It wasn’t like the one he had in Bangkok, but it still had his touch, very Naran-like.
”Take a seat, please.” Naran pointed at the sofa, and he sat on a chair across the coffee table. “I don’t understand, what are you doing here?”
Krailert smiled, and breathed out, trying to control his actions.
”As I told you on the phone, I am working as the new liaison between Thai residents in New York and the Thai embassy.” He looked at him. “I didn’t lie to you.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I know.”
“But I don’t understand…”
”Some things happened, and I couldn’t stay in Thailand anymore. So I got this job opportunity, and I couldn’t say no. So I moved here with my son.”
“You have a son?” He sounded somewhere between surprised and disappointed. “I’m sure Dhevi is very happy, it was her dream, after all.” Naran tried to bite back the pain in his words.
”Well, that’s one of the things that happened…” He paused. “When our son was born, there were some complications during the labor, and she didn’t make it.”
“What?” Naran opened his eyes wide, and unconsciously let out a loud laugh. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I know I’m not supposed to…” He breathed out to calm himself. “I’m really sorry Krailert, really, really sorry.”
Krailert smiled too.
”Don’t be. A part of me was also relieved when it happenend.” He side smiled. “And I made my peace with her a long time ago.” Krailert put a hand in his jacket's inside pocket and took out his wallet. He then opened it and took out a photo that he handed to Naran. “This is him.”
Naran took the sepia colored photo and looked at it.
“He looks adorable."
“That was right before we came here, he was turning one.”
“One year old…” He then flipped the photo and saw something written. It was the date of when the photo was taken, and underneath something else. “Wiranaran Suwannaphat.” His eyes immediately landed on Krailert’s.
“I call him Wiran.” He smiled.
“Krailert…”
“I didn't come here expecting anything, I promise, I don't even know if you have a partner, or if you moved on. I just want-”
“I don't.” Naran interrupted him. “And I guess I haven't.” Krailert looked at him confused. “I don't have a partner, and considering how my heart has been beating since I first saw you, and the fact that I just want to kiss you… I guess I haven't moved on either.”
Naran stood up and left the photo on the coffee table, he then went around it and sat on the couch next to Krailert.
He put a hand on the Colonel's cheek, and Krailert leaned on the touch, closing his eyes.
“You don't know how many nights I wished for this.” He put a hand over Naran’s one. “This isn't a dream right, you're really here…” A lone tear rolled down his cheek.
“I'm really here…” Naran wiped the tear with his thumb. He couldn’t hold it back anymore, and moved forward, leaving a chaste kiss on Krailert’s lips, where another tear had stopped.
The kiss was sweet and salty, and just after Naran moved back, Krailert launched forward, smashing their lips together. One hand still holding the hand on his face, and the other one running through Naran’s nape hair.
”Stay…” Naran moaned against his lips, and his hand moved down Lert’s torso to his waist.
”I can’t…” Krailer went for another kiss, but Naran froze. “I’d love to, but I’ve got Wiran at home, and the nanny can’t stay the whole nigh…” He apologized. This time, when Krailert came closer, Naran didn’t recoil.
”When will I see you again?” There was fear in his words.
”Whenever you want to. You can call me, or come by my place if you want.” He liked that idea, being at his place with Wiran and Naran… it sounded perfect.
“Promise?”
“I’m not going anywhere, not this time.”
They kissed a little more, and eventually had to stop, before they got too carried away.
That night, when Krailert arrived home, his son was already sleeping.
“I’m sorry, Miss Fisher, the meeting took longer than expected.” He apologized over and over again, and even called a cab for her and gave her a generous tip.
He went up to his son’s room. The toddler was happily sleeping in his crib. He moved closer, tucked him in and left a soft kiss on his forehead, not wanting to wake him up.
In the kitchen, he found the dinner Miss Fisher had left for him. She was always working hard, maybe he should find a nanny for the afternoons, in case his dates with Naran took longer than expected.
Dates, with Naran. He giggled to himself.
After eating, he moved to the living room. He was tempted to call Trin and tell him the news, but he had scared him once calling early in the morning, now it was his turn to wake up early and call during their afternoon.
Then, a crazy idea crossed his mind.
Krailert ran to his office, opened his briefcase, pulling out the files with Naran’s info in it, and went back to the living room. He sat on the sofa with the paper in one hand, and the phone in the other.
He held his breath until the line connected.
“Hello?”
“Good night, Khun Sarasawadee.”
“Lert?”
“I miss you.”
“You’re crazy…” The chuckle that accompanied the sentence melted Krailert’s heart. “I miss you too.”
Krailert woke up in the middle of the night, he was sleeping on the sofa, with the head twisted in a weird angle and the phone resting on his shoulder. He checked the line and the call had been disconnected for, he didn't know how long.
He put the handset back in its place and walked to his room. He took off his clothes, not even bothering to put on pajamas, and continued sleeping.
Krailert woke up again with the sound of his son's cries. He stumbled to the toddler's bedroom and found him wet and dirty.
“What happened?” He picked the boy up, and was immediately grateful he was wearing only boxers, because the moment he laid him on his chest, Wiran threw up all over his father. “Oh Gosh…”
With difficulties, he removed his son's dirty clothes and diaper, and walked in the shower with him in his arms.
“Shhhh, shhh…” Krailert kissed the top of the crying boy's head. “Everything is fine… let the water wash it all away…”
Once the baby calmed, he could clean him, and himself, properly with soap. He then swaddled him with a fluffy towel and brought him to his bed.
The parent made a pillow barrier and laid next to his son, who was still fusing around, distressed.
When he finally saw the baby falling asleep and breathing steadily, Krailert changed his wet underwear, and went back to his son's room to clean the mess. He had to remove the sheets and blankets, take the dirty pajamas and bring everything down to the laundry room. He put the clothes in the washing machine and turned it on. If he left the clothes unwashed, he might as well just throw them away.
He sat on the sofa listening for any sound upstairs, but it was quiet.
The clock on the wall marked 4 am.
He could have a few more hours of sleep but the truth was that right now he was wide awake.
Stretching his body he took the phone from the table, and dialed the number that connected him with the other side of the world.
“Hello?”
“Trin?”
“Aa Lert?” Krailert couldn't see Trin, but he felt the smile in his words. “How are you?”
“Right now I'm exhausted, but I'm fine.”
“What happened?” He paused. “Wait, what time is there?”
“It's 4 am… Wiranaran got sick and I had to change, well, everything.” He chuckled.
“Is he ok?”
“He threw up and pooped everywhere, I don’t know if dinner didn’t sit well, or maybe he got a stomach bug.” He paused. “If he’s still sick tomorrow I’ll take him to the doctor. How are you doing?”
“Pretty good, actually. Work is fine and Tanwa is writing a new novel, so we've been busy.”
“Can't wait to read his new work. Remember to send me a copy when he publishes it.”
“Sure… by the way, how was your… thing?” Trin didn't have to say his name, or what he was talking about.
“It's him.” Krailert took a deep breath. “I saw him yesterday, and it felt like time had stopped, like those four years apart didn't happen.”
“I know the feeling.” The uncle could picture his nephew looking back at his partner. “Did he feel the same?”
“He did…” He smiled. “I can't believe we're actually having a chance. It feels surreal.”
“But it is real, so enjoy it Aa, you deserve it.”
“Thank you luhk.” Krailert heard noises upstairs. “I have to leave you, I think Wiran woke up again.”
“Ok, talk to you soon Aa.”
They bid their goodbyes, and Krailert walked up to his room, he was afraid to find another mess in his bed, but luckily the toddler had just wiggled around and only removed the towel covering his now naked body.
Krailert took a clean diaper, new pajamas, dressed his son, then put him in his own bed and laid next to him. The boy quickly moved to snuggle on his father’s chest. He just smiled, kissed the top of the boy’s head and held him tight.
When Miss Fisher arrived, Wira was feeling much better, he didn’t throw up anymore that night, and he ate breakfast hungrily, so he decided not to take him to the doctor. If he got sick again, Miss Fisher knew where to find him.
The day for him though, everything felt like such a pain in the ass.The colonel went to work half asleep. Not all the coffee in the world could help him stay awake, and he felt his head cloudy and his thoughts slow.
“You have a call, sir.” A secretary informed him, and he picked up the phone and accepted the call.
“Hello, I’m Krailert Suwannaphat, how can I help you?”
“Khun Klay Rung.” Krailert smirked at the nickname.
“Khun Sarasawadee.”
“How's your morning going?”
They didn’t know if the conversations were being listened to or recorded, so they tried to remain on the polite side.
“Fine, had a pretty calm morning. What about you?”
“Same.”
When Naran arrived in the US, he had to survive with meaningless jobs, working as a valet in a hotel, as a waiter in a Chinese restaurant. Anything that kept him afloat, and at the same time helped him keep a low profile. He knew he had left powerful enemies in Thailand, so he opted to lay low for a while.
Once his life in the new country was settled, and he was sure that no past ghosts were hunting him, he finally got brave enough and used his contacts in the American media to find a job at a newspaper.
There he was three years later, in charge of the international news.
“Did you have your lunch break already?” Naran asked.
“I'm eating on my desk today. No break for me.”
“Why? You said it was a quiet day.”
“It is,” he smiled, “but Wiran got sick last night, and I didn’t sleep much.”
“What happened? Is he ok?”
“I think dinner didn't sit well, and he threw up and pooped everywhere.”
“That's a nice picture…” Naran made a disgusted sound.
“You tell me… I was the one that had to clean it.” He chuckled.
“Don't you have a nanny or some help?”
“I do, I have a house keeper who also takes care of Wiran when I'm at work, but when I get home she leaves, and I'm the one taking care of him.”
“That seems like a lot of work.”
“It is, but I discovered that I really love being a dad.”
“I'm sure you're an amazing dad.” Naran complimented him, and Krailert smiled.
“I try…” Someone knocked on his door with a ton of papers in their hands. “Khun Sarasawadee, I have to leave you.” Naran quickly caught the change of tone and got the hint.
“Ok, Khun Krai Lung. We'll talk another time.”
They bid their goodbyes and Krailert went back to work.
During the afternoon, Krailert had more work, which helped time pass faster. He then left the office a bit earlier than usual.
When he arrived home, he found his son awake, and playing in the living room. Miss Fisher was finishing cleaning in the kitchen and was surprised when she saw him.
He took the boy in his arms, checking that he was ok, and explained to her that since Wiran wasn't feeling ok, he preferred to stay with him, and that's why he had left earlier.
She offered to stay more, but Krailert felt weird with her in the house, because when she was there, she was always attending Wiran, and he liked to spend time with him, to look after him.
So, after Miss Fisher left, Krailert sat to play with the toddler. They built legos, made puzzles, read books and listened to music.
At some point Krailert saw Wiran's eyes closing and decided to go bathe him. That way after having dinner he would put him straight to sleep.
The water woke the boy up a little, enough for him to make a mess during dinner. He didn't stop playing with the food bowl, and he even threw the glass of water twice!
Wiran was testing his patience and Krailert was at the brink of losing it.
“Wiranaran, stop with this.” He was scolding his son who grabbed the food bowl for the nth time. They both fought for it for a second, and Wiran finally let go, which made the bowl tumble towards Krailert and threw all the baby food over his shirt.
The toddler burst out laughing seeing his father dirty with food, and Krailert had to breathe a few times to keep calm.
Someone rang the door bell, and Krailert looked confused, who was coming at this time, to his place? Maybe Miss Fisher had forgotten something.
“You, little food monster, don't move.” He threatened his son playfully, and grabbed a kitchen cloth on his way out, to clean himself before attending the door.
He never would have expected to find Naran at his front door, standing on his porch, holding a metal stackable lunchbox.
“What?” He was at a loss for words. “What are you doing here?” Krailert had to hold himself back to not jump on the other man's arms and kiss him dry.
“On the phone you told me Wiran was feeling sick, so I made some congee my mom used to make when we had an upset tummy as kids, it always worked wonders.” He showed the items in his hands.
“Thank you.” He smiled, taking the lunchbox, still a bit in shock.
“Well, I'm gonna get… ” Naran gestured with his thumb behind him.
“Do you want to come in?” Krailert stopped him mid sentence.
“It's ok, I don't want to be a bother.”
“You could never be a bother…” Krailer yearned to stretch his hand out and hold the other man, but they were in the street, it was unthinkable to do so. “Please…” he smiled softly.
Naran smiled back, and nodded softly.
They walked into the house and the Colonel guided them to the kitchen, where Wiran had been busy smearing the porridge all over the table and his bib.
“Hey, food monster.” Krailert kissed the boy's head, who turned to his father laughing, and then looked at the other man curious. “Say hello to lung Naran.” The boy babbled something and showed Naran a spoon dirty with porridge.
“Hi Wiran.” The reporter sat on a chair next to the boy, and Krailert took the opportunity to heat the congee Naran had brought.
The sight of the two people he loved the most in the world together, made Krailert’s heart swell.
When the food was warm enough, he poured it in a bowl and sat in front of the toddler, who was instantly curious with the different smells.
He ate it happily, not once playing with the food the entire time.
“I think you will have to cook more often for him.” Krailert joked, putting the empty bowl in the sink and removing the dirty bib from the boy.
“I can cook for the father too, if he wants me to.” He smirked saying it.
“The father would love for you to.” Krailert took his son from the high chair. “Can you hold him a second? So I can clean the chair.”
Naran nodded and extended his arms towards them. Wiran didn't hesitate a second and launched himself towards his new uncle.
Krailert couldn't help but coo at the sight. He wasn't sure if his heart could handle so much cuteness aggression in one night.
He finished cleaning the chair, and since his son was entertained, he took the opportunity to also wash the dishes and put some dirty clothes in the washing machine.
At some point, Naran had disappeared, and Krailert found him sitting on the sofa, with the baby soundly asleep on his chest. Another hit to his already weak heart.
“We were playing, he closed his eyes… and I think he fell asleep." Naran whispered.
“He is definitely sleeping.” The father ran a hand through his son's hair. His face was smushed against Naran’s chest, and a small thread of drool was dripping from his half open mouth to the man's shirt.
“He's adorable.” Naran caressed the boy's head with his cheek. “And he looks like you.” He looked back at Krailert. “He has your eyes.” Krailert smiled, sitting on the sofa next to them.
”You look good like this, it suits you.” Naran smiled. “Did you ever think of being a dad before?” This time the reporter bit his lower lip.
“When I was with Dao I thought that eventually a baby would arrive, but it was not something I really thought about. It was the natural course of things, dating, getting engaged, marrying and then having kids, right? That's what they taught us.”
“I never thought I would have kids.” Krailert explained. “For obvious reasons.” The colonel raised a hand, placing it behind Naran’s neck, running his fingers through the hair on his nape.
“We never talked about this,” Naran leaned on the touch, “Dhevi and you.” He said cautiously.
“It was an arranged marriage, I never loved her.” Krailert confessed. “Thirteen years ago I had a partner, he was an actor in rising.” He smiled softly remembering him. “We had plans, and dreams.” He let out a pained breath. “We were so naive.”
“What happened?” Naran moved one of his hands and took Krailert’s, intertwining their fingers.
“General Tird, Dhevi's father, found out. Him and Pracha made me an offer, I could marry Dhevi, or end up like Asawin.” Naran gulped visibly. “I couldn’t save him, so I saved myself.”
“I'm sorry…” A tear rolled down Krailert’s cheek, and he cleaned it with the fabric from his shoulder.
“It's not your fault.”
“I know, but it hurts anyway.” Naran bit his lip. “Is that why you sent me away?” He asked, and Krailert nodded.
“I couldn’t save him, but I could protect you.”
“Even if that meant you would lose your freedom.”
“I've never been free.” He chuckled to himself. “Not since the day I found out I was different, a freak, an abomination.”
“You're none of those.” Naran squeezed his hand.
“I know, you know… but society doesn't.” Krailert smiled and caressed Naran’s cheek with his thumb. “I made my peace with what I am a long time ago, and with the fact that I would never be truly happy.” He paused. “But then Wiran was born, and I found a reason to live again.” He looked at his son and then at Naran. “And now you're here.”
“We are here.” Naran pulled Krailert’s hand and kissed his knuckles. “Together.”
“I'm so scared that I will wake up at any moment. And find out this has all been a dream.” Krailert’s voice quivered.
“It's not a dream, I'm real, you're real, the baby drooling on my shirt is real.” Naran joked to lighten the mood, and Krailert chuckled.
“Do you want to stay?”
“Tonight?”
“Is it too early for forever?” This time the colonel joked.
“Let's start with tonight.” Naran answered.
The parent helped the other man stand up with the toddler still sleeping over him, and guided both of them upstairs towards the boy's room.
Naran placed Wiran in the crib and they both left a kiss on his forehead before leaving the room, closing the door behind them.
“Over here.” The colonel took the other man's hand and walked them into the master's bedroom.
"Won't it be a problem with your house keeper?”
Krailert shook his head.
“Tomorrow is Saturday, she only comes from Monday to Friday. On the weekends I'm a full time dad.”
“That means you're completely mine for the weekend?” Naran smirked, mischievous.
“You'll have to share me with Wiran, tho.”
“I think there's enough Lert for the both of us, and he is lucky I actually really like him, so I don't mind sharing.” He smiled once more, and shortened the distance between the two men. “I've missed you.”
“Me too.”
Naran put a hand on Krailert’s chest.
“I've missed this.” He took a step closer, and placed his lips on the other man's neck. “And this.” He moved up, slowly, leaving soft pecks on his neck, jaw, and finally reaching his lips. “And this.”
The kiss started gentle, barely touching each other. Krailert snaked one arm around Naran’s waist. He moved the other one up, placing his hand on Naran’s nape, and moving him closer.
Words weren't necessary after that.
Both men deepened the kiss. Four years of pain, of yearning, of longing for each other were condensed in that single beautiful moment. They needed to feel each other, to be finally one again, and forever.