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Pinaglalaruan yata ako ng panahon ngayon. Parang ang sarap lumipad sa langit at murahin ‘tong araw namin.
Kanina noong nasa bahay pa ako, ang init init pa. Ngayon na papauwi na ako galing sa klase, umuulan na. Wala ka naman akong dalang payong. Leche flan talaga!
Naiinis na umupo ako sa bench habang hinihintay si daddy. Wala akong choice kundi magpasundo. Dapat nga hindi ako nagrereklamo na may susundo sa’kin pero hindi kasi ako sanay na sinunsundo pa rin ni daddy lalo na't alam kong galing din siya sa trabaho tas pagod pa.
Dapat talaga matuto na akong mag-drive. Hay nako!
“Sam, I have to go na. Ingat ka dito.” Napatingin ako kay Marina noong magsalita siya sa tabi ko. Nakatayo na siya habang bitbit ang backpack na dala. Parehas kasi kaming naghihintay ng sundo namin pero siya sinusundo talaga always while ako mas sanay na mag commute.
Tumango ako sa kanya ng marahan. “Gora lang beh. Ingat kayo ni tita ha?”
“Thanks. You, too.”
Pinalibutan ako ng katahimikan—well, hindi naman kasi umuulan nga eh. Rinig ko ang pagpatak ng mga ulan. Tumingin ako sa suot na relos at napabuntong-hininga na lang nang makita kong almost 7 PM na.
“Puteks talaga.”
Traffic pa naman ang ganitong oras. Almost 10 minutes ago pa noong sinabi ni dad na medyo malapit na siya pero ano naman magagawa niya kung traffic kahit malapit na siya?
Marami pa naman akong kasamang mga estudyante sa paligid kaya hindi ako masyadong nag-alala. May isang problema nga lang ako.
I'm freakin’ bored!
I tried playing with my foot to distract myself habang hinihintay si dad, pero walang epek talaga. Need ko another distraction.
In the end, I decided na lang na buksan ‘yung phone ko at tumingin-tingin sa mga apps. I scrolled sa facebook, trying to find something funny pero iba ‘yung bumungad sa’kin noong buksan ko iyon.
Your stories from 5 years ago.
Then a lot of pictures from years ago ang bumungad.
Pictures with her.
Napangiti na lang ako. Ganito pa rin pala epekto niya sa’kin kahit ilang taon ko na siyang hindi nakikita. Kahit ilang taon na rin noong huli naming pag-uusap.
Kahit ilang taon na rin akong umalis sa lugar namin hindi lang dahil may oportunidad ako ditong mag-aral sa may ila kundi dahil natatakot din ako sa nararamdaman ko para sa kanya.
I stared at our pictures. Our memories from years ago.
We used to be an inseparable duo. Always kong alam mga ganaps niya at gan’on din siya sa’kin. Kahit love life niya alam ko syempre kasi bff ko ‘yon noon eh!
Sa ilang minuto kong pagkatulala sa larawan namin, hindi ko na namalayan na nasa harapan ko na pala ‘yung sasakyan ni daddy. He rolled down his car window before waving at me and calling my name.
“Summer, anak, uy! Bilis na dito at baka mas lumakas ‘yung ulan.”
Kaagad naman akong tumayo at ipinasok sa bag ko ‘yung phone ko bago tumakbo papunta sa sasakyan.
I used my bag as a temporary shield for the rain kaya medyo basa ako nang makapasok sa loob ng sasakyan.
“Here, towel. Magpatuyo ka. Sorry, bebe. Super traffic kasi.” Ani ni dad noong inatras niya na ang sasakyan para makaalis na kami.
I wiped the wet spots on my face. “It's okay, dad. Ako nga dapat mag-sorry kasi na istorbo ko pa pahinga mo!”
“Jusko kang bata ka. Palagi nga kitang sinasabihan na sunduin na lang kita eh pero ayaw mo.” umirap pa siya na tinawanan ko lang. “Magagalit talaga mommy mo kapag nalaman niyang nabasa ka sa ulan.”
“Sus! ‘di niya naman malalaman kung hindi ka snitch, dad.” I smirked. “Pero duda. Miss na miss mo pa naman si mommy. Ako nanaman gagawin mong topic para magtagal pag-uusap niyo.”
“Sana pala hindi na lang kita sinundo.”
“Too late, Dad,” I said, giggling, bago siya binelatan.
He sighed. “Pero totoo, nak. Miss na miss ko na mommy mo…”
“Malapit na rin naman bakasyon ko po. Makakauwi ka na sa bacolod soon.”
“Sumama ka na kasi,”
“Ehh, ayoko po. Ilang buwan na lang naman eh.”
“Matagal pa ‘yun!” Angal niya. Sumimangot pa siya. “Hindi mo ba namimiss mga kaibigan mo d’on?”
I grinned. “Syempre namiss ko po. Pero magkikita na rin naman kami kapag naka graduate na ako dito. Tapos nga vi-video call din kami. Okay na ‘yun.”
“Ako hindi na okay, bebe.”
I laughed. “Dedma sa nangungulila.”
“Parang siya hindi nangulila noong unang taon namin dito kay Alor-”
“Dedma dedma sa bashers! Mag-drive ka na nga lang, dad!” this time, ako naman ang umirap sa kanya na ikinatawa niya lang.
“Balita ko single na siya matagal na.”
“Ano gagawin ko diyan?”
“Hindi ko alam, beh. Siguro mag first move ka na kung gusto mo pa rin?”
“Hmm…” umakto ako na nag-iisip. “Pag-iisipan ko muna.”
“Minsan kasi ‘wag ka nang mag-isip, bebe. Take a risk!”
“Wow, sa'yo pa talaga galing ‘yan dad ha?”
“Opkors! Saan ka pa ba magmamana?”
“Kay mommy.”
“Masakit ka na.”
Nag-asaran pa kami hanggang makarating kami sa condo namin ni daddy. Kaagad niya akong pinapasok sa banyo para maligo dahil baka magkasakit pa ako sa pagkabasa ko sa ulan. Syempre sinunod ko siya kasi ayoko rin magkasakit lalo na’t midterms namin ngayon. I need to study hard. Mahirap pa naman ang exams namin.
Free nga ‘yung tuiton pero kapalit naman kaluluwa ko.
“By the way, bebe. Nag-chat pala mommy mo. Tingnan mo raw messenger mo kasi ‘di ka na nagpaparamdam d’on.” Bungad sa’kin ni daddy noong makababa na ako after kong maligo at makapagbihis.
Basa pa ’yung buhok kaya pinapatuyo ko pa rin ito gamit ng twalya ko. Naglakad ako papunta kay dad na nilabas ‘yung binili niyang dinner namin bago ako sunduin para makakain na kami. Binaba ko ang hawak na twalya at isinampay iyon sa upuan ko bago kumuha ng dalawang baso at ang malamig na tubig sa loob ng ref namin.
“Titingnan ko later, dad. Kain muna tayo.”
We started eating the chinese takeouts that dad bought for us two. He asked me about my day at school so syempre nag rant kaagad ako kung ano kapabibo ‘yung ibang kaklase ko na tinawanan niya lang kasi relate rin siya noon sa kanila.
“Basta mag reply ka kay mommy mo ha? I think it’s about kay Alora. Hindi niya sinabi kung ano pero sabi niya sabihan kita na i-chat mo siya.”
Napatigil naman ako sa pagkain noong marining ko ang pangalan niya kay dad. Nakabukas pa ang bibig ko at ang chopstick na may pagkain ay naka bitin lang sa ere habang napatulala ako ng ilang segundo kay dad na busy na sa pagkain.
“Alora? Si Ate Alora?”
Tiningnan ako ni Dad pero hindi siya tumigil sa pagkain. He only smirked at me na parang alam niya na ang iniisip ko.
“Oo, crush mo siya diba?”
Pinanlakihan ko siya ng mga mata ko. “Hoy! Anong crush, dad? Gawa gawa ka nanaman ng kwento ha.”
He laughed. “Anong gawa gawa? Parang hindi ko lang alam na may picture ka pa niya sa wallet mo.”
I gasped. How did he know about that?!
“Don’t be shock, bebe. Madali kang basahin. Hindi mo ba nakikita sarili mo kapag kasama mo noon si Alora? Hyper ka pa sa hyper pero pag kasama mo siya parang nagiging demure ka pa kay Gillian.”
“Dad!”
“Ano?” Tumawa pa siya ulit. “Okay lang ‘yan, nak. Alam naman na namin ni mommy mo na matagal ka nang bading.”
“Kasi naman!” I pouted pero kumain na rin.
Tinawanan niya lang ulit ako kasi alam niyang tama siya. Hindi ko na ‘yan malalaban si dad kapag ganito kasi totoo naman talaga. Gusto ko siya. Matagal na.
Dad was the first one to finish his dinner kaya nagpaalam na siya sa’kin na aakyat na siya sa kwarto niya para magpahinga. I threw away our trash after I was done, too. I turned off the lights after cleaning up at agad na umakyat sa kwarto ko.
I messaged dad a goodnight before letting myself sink into my bed.
“Gosh, nakakapagod!”
Humilata lang ako na parang walang pake sa mundo habang nasa kaliwang kamay ko ang phone. I felt it vibrate kaya tiningnan ko ‘to. Nag message lang pala si daddy.
Daddy kong pogi XD:
Bebe baka malimutan mo na imessage si mommy mo ha? Chat mo na kasi baka chance mo na ‘yan sa crush mo :P
I chuckled. Si daddy talaga.
I opened my messenger at nag compose na ng message for mommy. Gets ko naman pagkamiss niya sa’kin. Hindi rin kasi ako nakakauwi sa bacolod tapos mga dalawa o tatlong beses lang siya nakakapunta dito sa maynila para kamustahin kami ni Dad.
Ako:
My, sabi ni dad imessage raw kita dito? Kamusta po kayo diyan? hehehe.
Tumagilid ako ng higa habang hinihintay na magreply si mommy. My eyes suddenly landed on the photo on my bedside table. It was a picture of me with my friends. This was before I left for Manila to pursue my studies. Nagplano sila ng padespidida para sa’kin sa beach house ng family ni Ate Alora.
Naaalala ko pa rin kung paano nawala ang lamig sa kamay ko. Naaalala ko pa rin ang mga tawa ng mga kaibigan namin habang naglalaro sila sa dalampsigan. Those were the days na parang wala lang akong problema dahil kasama ko sila.
They were my anchor. The people who pushed me to be better even if it meant leaving them behind. Wala silang sinabi na masama sa’kin. They were all supportive sa kung ano mang desisyon ko kasi ako ang pinaka-bunso sa’ming magkakaibigan.
And Ate Alora… she made it hard for me to leave everything behind.
Time seemed to slow down when it was just the two of us. Kita ko ang mga kaibigan namin na naglalaro sa dagat. They were enjoying it so much that it made me happy just by watching them. Normally sumasali ako sa mga laro nila pero hindi ko kayang umalis dito sa tabi ni Ate Alora.
Not when I can feel her warm hand on top of mine.
I glanced at her side profile. She looked calm and endearing as always. Nakakurba sa isang malapad na ngiti ang mga labi niya habang hindi inaalis ang tingin sa mga kaibigan namin.
Hindi ko alam kung dapat ba akong magsalita. My heart and mind is going crazy pero tinatry ko na kumalma. Ayoko na makita niyang naapektuhan ako. Malay ko ba kung platonic lang pala ‘tong paghawak niya sa kamay ko?
“You should join them,” Nagsalita siya bigla habang busy ako sa pagkalma sa puso at isip ko.
Hindi ako nagsalita. I just stared at her habang unti-unti kong nararamdaman ang pag intertwine niya sa kamay namin na parang ayaw niya akong umalis kahit na kakasabi niya lang na dapat sumali ako sa mga kaibigan namin.
Mas lalong kong naramdaman ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko sa ginawa niya.
Hindi ko na talaga alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman sa ginagawa niya. Ayokong umasa. Ayokong magsalita kasi baka may masabi ako na hindi ko na mababawi.
“Ate Alora…”
“Hmm?”
“‘Y-yung kamay ko po…”
I saw how her smile widened before she turned her head towards me. “Are you uncomfortable?” She asked. Her voice was still calm and steadfast. Na parang wala lang sa kanya ang pagkahawak niya sa’kin. Na parang normal lang ‘to sa kanya.
Na para bang may nararamdaman din siya para sa’kin.
My free hand found support sa tuhod ko. Pinipigilan ko rin ang sarili ko na may kuyakoy dahil sa nerbyos.
“Hindi… hindi naman, Ate. Nabigla lang ako,” I tried to laugh my nervousness off. “Hindi ka naman kasi ganito na clingy na humahawak sa kamay.”
“Hmm…” I felt how she tightened her hold on me. “Summer,”
Mas napaupo ako ng matuwid dahil sa tono ng pagbanggit niya sa pangalan ko.
“Y-yes, Ate?”
Napalunok ako nang magtama ang mga mata namin. Her brown eyes looked at me the same way she always did, but this time, there was something different.
I’m used to seeing her calm gaze. She always acted as if there was nothing wrong, even when she was inconvenienced by other people.
The eyes that are looking at me right now hide a storm behind that calm gaze. I wanted to ask her if something had happened to her. I wanted to know how I could calm that storm behind her soft gaze towards me na parang ako lang ang nakikita niya sa oras na ‘to.
I bit my lip unconsciously. Hindi ko magawang ilayo ang mga mata sa kanya. Kahit alam kong namumula na ako dahil sa tingin na binibigay niya sa’kin, hindi ko pa rin maiwas ang mga mata ko. Para akong na hypnotize sa tingin na binibigay niya sa’kin.
At kahit na gusto kong magsalita parang walang lumalabas sa bibig at lalamunan ko.
The silence continued for a few minutes, with me trying to come up with something to say, but she suddenly beat me to it.
“Do you like me?”
I blinked twice when my phone vibrated in my hand. Naka reply na pala si mommy.
Bumuntong hininga ako ng malalim. ‘Yan nanaman ang utak ko. Bumabalik nanaman sa nakaraan na pilit kong iniiwasang isipin. Naaalala ko pa rin ‘yung mga mukha nila n’ong hinatid nila ako sa airport. Naaalala ko pa kung paano ako umiyak ng malala dahil sa takot na baka pagkaalis ko marami na agad magbabago.
It was hard. So hard to leave them all behind.
But I had to.
I needed to.
I sighed again bago mariin na ipinikit ang mga mata at iminulat itong muli para basahin ang message ni mommy.
Tanging ina kwoah:
Hi, bebe ko. I miss you.
Napangiti ako.
Ako:
Namiss din kita, mommy. Kamusta ka po diyan?
Tanging ina kwoah:
Okay lang ako, anak. Pero may kailangan lang akong ibalita sayo.
Hindi ko alam pero bigla akong kinabahan pagkatapos ‘yon banggitin ni mommy. Grabe naman kasi sa balita. Parang may nangyari talaga na malaki?
Tanging ina kwoah:
Tawag ako sayo, bebe. Kailangan mo ‘tong marinig ng diretso.
I bit my lip before typing a response again.
Ako:
Okay po. Tawag ka na, my.
When her caller ID appeared on my screen, I immediately answered it.
“Hi, bebe.”
The first thing that I noticed sa background ni mommy is ang mga ingay na parang maraming tao. Hindi naman mala-Dora si mommy lalo na kapag gabi kaya hindi ko maiisip ang dahilan kung bakit may mga kasama siyang ibang tao.
“Hello, my. Nasa labas ka po?”
There was a pause for a few seconds before she answered. “Oo, nak. Kasama ko dito sina Ate Yves mo.”
There was that sudden feeling inside my stomach again na hindi ko maintindihan. Para akong masusuka na ewan.
“B-bakit kayo magkasama, my? Anong meron?” kinagat ko ulit ang pang-ibabang labi ko. “Si… si Ate Alora po? Nandiyan din ba?”
Mommy paused again.
Parang isang minuto siyang natahimik sa kabilang linya at hinayaan ko lang ‘yon. I waited for her to say something again kahit na sa loob loob ko, may hindi na ako magandang nararamdaman.
Then a voice rang, but it was not my mother's. It was Ate Yves’.
“Summer?”
“Ate? Anong nangyayari? Nas’an si mommy?”
“I borrowed the phone from her. Sinabi ko na ako na lang ang magsasabi sa'yo.”
Naguluhan ako doon. What did she mean by that? Anong sasabihin nila sa akin?
Kumunot ang noo ko. “Sasabihin ang akin, Ate? Kanina ganyan din sinabi ni mommy eh kaya siya tumawag. May nangyari ba?”
A pause again. Like the one I had with my mother.
Silence that could kill me anytime if Ate Yves doesn't talk immediately.
“Yes…” Ito lamang ang sagot niya pagkatapos nang katahimikan.
Pero hindi nakaalis sa pandinig ko ang boses niya na gumagaral. Na parang nahihirapan siyang magsalita. Na parang may kung ano sa lalamunan niya na hindi niya kayang magsalita.
Kagaya ng nararamdaman ko ngayon habang hinihintay siya na ituloy ang sasabihin niya.
I heard her take a deep breath on the other line before finally telling me the news that almost made me feel numb.
“It's… It's about Ate Alora, Sam… s-she… she’s gone.”
-
I stared outside the plane window as my thoughts drifted on the news that I heard a few days ago. Kitang-kita ko sa repleksyon ko ang pamamaga ng mga mata ko at pamumula ng ilong ko dahil sa walang tigil na iyak.
Ate Alora is gone.
She's dead.
That was the news that they've been wanting to tell me for days now pero palagi akong busy at alam nilang hell week ko kaya hindi nila matuloy-tuloy na sabihin sa’kin.
Kahit si dad walang alam dahil alam nila na kapag nalaman ni dad, sasabihin niya agad sa’kin.
At dahil kilala nila ako, alam nilang uuwi ako agad kapag nalaman ko ang nangyari.
They let me process a few things sa school para maka uwi ako for a week. Parang nawalan din kasi ako bigla ng pake noong marinig ko ang balita. I immediately told dad na gusto kong umuwi. Na gusto kong makita si Ate Alora kahit sa huling beses na lang. Kahit na alam kong walang buhay na ‘yong makikita ko.
I wanted to see the truth with my own eyes.
“It's gonna be fine, bebe. Nandito lang kami ng mommy mo.”
Those were the words of my dad while he was helping me process everything.
The grief was taking me out at nakikita iyon ni dad. I am so angry at myself for not seeing this earlier. For not seeing the signs that she was planning on leaving us all here to grieve her.
Pakshet kasi. Hindi ito ‘yung napag-usapan namin. She promised me that she will wait. She promised me that she'll see me sa graduation ko.
But I guess, it was all a lie she fabricated when the truth is—she was already losing herself.
A familiar song played as I stared at the horizon as our plane slowly descended.
It was the same song that played sa background namin habang nag-uusap kami noon. Sa harapan ng Beach house niya—the melody that felt just right at that moment. The same song that felt like breaking the invisible barriers we placed between us because of the fear that we might ruin something precious, even if we don't say it.
We… we just knew.
We felt it.
“Do you like me?”
I stared at her. Hindi ko ma process ‘yung tanong niya. Parang nag reboot ‘yung utak ko dahil sa sinabi niya.
Tama pa ba ‘tong naririnig ko? Tinatanong niya ako kung gusto ko siya?
“W-what… Bakit ganyan ang tanong mo, Ate?” Hindi ko na mahanap ang mga dapat kong sasabihin.
I could just feel myself turning into a stone as her eyes stared at mine, too, without getting fazed.
Nakita ko kung paano siya ngumiti ulit. Pero this time, hindi na ito abot sa mga mata niya. It was the same expression she always wore whenever she was trying to hide a storm brewing inside of her.
Na parang takot siya na malaman ng iba. Na parang takot siya na makita ko ito.
Her grip on my hand suddenly tightened—it was as if she was trying to cling for support there before she spoke again.
“Let's see each other sa graduation mo ha? Don't let this opportunity get away, Summer. I know na hindi ka mag-papabaya sa sarili mo habang naroon ka.” I saw her lips quiver before she looked away. “I'll miss you…”
“Ate Alora…”
“You're one of my treasures, Sam.” She looked up to the sky. “And you will always be kahit na malayo ka sa’kin.”
“Ate…”
She met my eyes again, and this time, her soft, genuine smile returned.
“We'll see each other at your graduation, Summer. I promise you that. I also hope that by the time we see each other again,” She lifted her free hand and removed the strand of hair that covered my eye. “You'll finally be able to answer my question.”
“I'll… I'll graduate, Ate. I promise you that.”
She pulled me in for a hug. Warming me up from the coldness that the night offers.
“I know you will, Summer. I know you will.”
It was almost 7 in the evening when we arrived at Bacolod-Silay International Airport. Mom was already waiting for me and Dad. Kasama niya rin si Ate Jo na kaagad akong niyakap noong makita kami.
Hindi ko naman mapigilan na mapaluha ulit dahil sa ginawa niya. Binaba ko ang hawak na bag at niyakap siya pabalik bago ko ibinaon ang mukha sa balikat niya.
“Ate… iniwan niya na ako.” I sobbed.
She brushed my hair and hugged me tighter. “Magiging okay din ang lahat, Sam.”
Ilang sandali pa akong nanatiling nakayakap sa kanya bago may mainit na kamay ang dumapo sa likod ko. Humihingos pa ako noong inangat ko ang mukha ko para tingnan kung kaninong kamay iyon.
Mommy was looking at me with her soft expression, na parang naiintindihan niya ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Na parang dama niya rin ang sakit ngayon sa puso ko.
“Bebe…”
“Mommy… bakit iniwan niya na ako?” Kumalas ako kay Ate Jo at niyakap naman si mommy.
Napapikit na lamang ako habang dinadama ko ang init na binibigay niya sa’kin. Sobrang namiss ko na si mommy tapos sa ganitong sitwasyon pa kami ulit nagkita.
“It’s alright, bebe… Ari lang di si mommy mo. I will be with you until makita mo na ulit si Alora.”
“Daw indi ko kaya, mommy.” I bit my lip. “Sakit sa dughan…”
“Bebe…”
“My, I don’t wanna see her like that. I wanted to see her again pero not this way po.”
“Summer…”
“My… ang sakit sakit! Bakit ganito, my? Bakit? Sabi niya… s-sabi niya magkikita kami ulit sa gradution k-ko…”
Hindi ko maintindihan ‘tong nararamdaman ko ngayon. Ang hirap intindihin. Ang hirap. Putang ina. ‘Yung puso ko hindi ko alam kung sasabog ba o parang hinihiwa.
Kahit yakap ni mommy hindi kayang tabunan ‘tong sakit sa puso ko.
I could taste rust because of how hard I was biting my lips to suppress the painful sounds that were coming from my throat.
“Kaya ko ba, my?” I asked my mother while still clinging to her like a lifeline.
Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng yakap niya sa’kin. Mas lalo akong napapikit. Kahit hindi niya sabihin sa’kin alam kong hindi rin ni mommy alam ang sagot sa tanong ko. Alam niyang ako lang mismo ang makakasagot dito.
At kahit sobrang sakit kailangan kong pilitin ang sarili ko.
Pinilit ko na tumayo at umalis sa pagkakayakap ko kay mommy bago unti-unting pinunasan ang mga luha ko. “Punta na tayo sa kanya, my…”
She worriedly touched my hand. “Sure ka na ba diyan, Sam?”
I nodded even when I was unsure myself. “Opo. Kailangan ko pong makita siya.”
I remembered those times where she would lose control over herself. Kitang-kita ko ang pagkawala ng focus sa mga mata niya habang parang batang nawawala at hindi alam kung ano ang nangyayari sa paligid niya.
I could still feel how she clung to me. How tight she would hold my shirt as if she were trying to hold on to something. Na parang mawawala siya kapag binitawan niya ako.
“I'm scared. I'm scared.”
“Shh, breathe, Ate Alora. Breathe. I'm just here.”
She would try to grab my hand, at kahit masakit, hinahayaan ko siyang hawakan lang ako ng mahigpit hanggang makahinga na siya ulit ng normal.
Nakita ko almost all her panic attacks. Walang pinipiling oras kasi. It just happens. Hindi naman niya kasi mapipigilan na atakehin eh. Mahirap talaga kalabanin ang sariling utak.
Grabeng kontrol ang kailangan mo para hindi ka matakot. Hindi ko man alam ang buong nararamdaman niya pero naiintindihan ko kung ano iyon kabigat lalo na tuwing nasa harap ko siya inaatake nito at wala akong magagawa kundi suportahan siya at hintayin na maging okay.
Habang nahihirapan siyang huminga, parang nalalagutan din ako ng hininga.
“When you left, mas lumala lang siya.” Ate Jo continued. Her eyes are still misty from the tears she shed earlier. “We told her to go and meet someone who could help her. A professional na pwede siyang tulungan sa nararamdaman niya pero ayaw niya talaga. She said na she was okay when she's not.”
“She carried all the weight of those years without telling us anything. Ayaw niya kasi alam niyang makakarating sa'yo tas uuwi ka. Ayaw niya na gan’on. She wanted you to focus on your studies, not on her issues.”
“I would've understood her… I could've prevented this from happening…” Ikinuyom ko ang kamao ko habang patuloy na tumutulo ang luha sa mga mata ko.
I can’t even look at her inside that… My breath hitched as my eyes burned painfully upon seeing her smiling face inside my head.
“Wala kang kasalanan, Sam.” Ate Jo wrapped her arms around me. “It was simply Alora’s decision to finally rest kasi pagod na siya. She just couldn't take it anymore at wala kaming magawa para tulungan siya dahil ayaw niya.”
“Dapat umuwi ako, Ate.” I sobbed on her shoulder. “I should’ve been there beside her when she couldn’t even see her worth with her own eyes.”
“It’s not your fault…”
“Ang sakit, Ate. We promised each other that we’ll see each other again when we’re done with our studies na. She promised me na pupunta siya sa graduation ko. S-she promised that she’ll never leave, Ate.”
“Summer…” I could feel myself losing every strength I had.
Ang hirap i-proseso na wala na siya. Na hindi ko na ulit makikita ang mga ngiti niya na nakasanayan ko. Kahit mga tawa niya palaging nagpapasaya sa’kin noon hindi ko na maririning.
Her warmth that I could never forget, I could still feel it even when she’s not warm anymore.
Dapat ako ‘yung susuporta sa kanya eh. Dapat ako naman ‘yung yayakap sa kanya. Pero hindi niya ako hinintay. Napagod siya. She broke her promise to me. Hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.
I sobbed harder when I realized that I could never tell her how I feel about her. I should’ve taken the risk before I left our city. I should’ve confessed.
Dapat hindi ako natakot noong halikan siya when the moment felt right for both of us.
“A-ate… ang sakit. Bakit niya tayo iniwan?” I gritted my teeth painfully. Hindi ko kayang isipin na wala na siya.
“Sam… Hindi ko rin alam ang sagot diyan.” Ate Jo hugged me tighter. I could sense how much grief she had for herself, too, with her best friend gone, and there was nothing she could do to alleviate it.
Ramdam ko ang pagtitig ng mga tao sa’min sa lamay niya. Sino ba naman hindi mapapatingin kung kakarating ko lang tas ito ako ngayon, grabe ang iyak kay Ate Jo.
I lifted my head over Ate Jo’s shoulder only to come eye to eye with Ate Yves and Aubrey, her ex.
They both look tired, too. Halatang kagagaling sa iyak ang mga mata nila lalo na si Ate Yves. I can’t blame her. It was her big sister who left us. Her sister has been her support system for so long, too.
And Aubrey…
Even if mag-ex sila, they stayed as friends. That’s why it wasn’t painful for both of them to let go, kasi naramdaman na nila na mas bagay na magkaibigan lamang sila.
They both knew that they didn’t love each other romantically. They were both aware that they were in love with other people.
That is why Ate Alora asked me that question years ago.
The question that I was unable to answer.
Because I already knew that she was in love with me.
Kitang-kita ko ‘yung sa mga mata niya tuwing magkasama kami. Nakita ko ang mga tingin niya sa’kin at kahit anong gawin ko na piliting maging manhid, hindi ko pa rin kaya.
I saw it and recognized it without a doubt.
Kasi gan’on ko rin siya tingnan.
I gritted my teeth and forced myself to look at her casket. Her family was all here. They were sitting sa harapan and were obviously tired from hours of crying and days of mourning their loss.
I tried to take a step pero bago ko pa ‘yun magawa, ramdam ko na ang panginginig ng tuhod ko. Ate Yves immediately noticed this kaya inalalayan niya ako papunta sa harapan kung nasaan ang kabaong ni Ate Alora.
“Kumapit ka lang sa’kin, Sam. Hindi kita pababayaan. Nandito lang kami.” Bulong niya sa’kin habang paunti-unti na kaming lumalapit sa harapan.
I wanted to close my eyes out of desperation that this might just be a dream.
Baka imagination ko lang lahat ng ‘to. Baka binabangungot lang ako.
Pero kahit anong gawin kong pikit, totoo talaga na wala na siya kapag minumulat ko ang mga mata ko.
I wanted to runaway. My body is telling me to get out of here. Pero hindi eh. Dapat makita ko siya. Kailangan ko siyang makita sa huling pagkakataon.
“We made sure na presentable pa rin siya sa ibang tao kahit nakahiga lang siya diyan,” Ate Yves chuckled softly. Nilingon ko siya at nakita ko kung paano unti-unting namumuo ang luha sa gilid ng mga mata niya habang hindi inaalis ang tingin kay Ate Alora. “Kahit ito na lang ang mabibigay namin sa kanya.”
Iniwas ko ang tingin sa kanya at ibinaling ito kay Ate Alora. She looked… peaceful inside.
Nagpakawala ako ng malalim na buntong-hininga.
Even in death, she still never failed to take away my breath. Kahit walang buhay na ang balat niya, napakaganda niya pa rin. Parang hindi ko pa rin kayang iproseso na wala na siya. That this is only her lifeless body inside.
Somewhere inside of me, I was still hoping that this was only some sort of joke prepared for me. Na pinaprank lang nila ako dahil sa ilang taon kong hindi pagbisita dito.
Pero hindi eh. This is real. This is not a dream that I could just simply forget. This is reality.
And I hate the fact na alam kong totoo ang lahat ng ‘to.
“Today’s her last day po diba?” I asked. My voice is slightly trembling.
“Yes.”
“And this is the last time na I’ll be able to see her.” I bit my lip habang pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko na maluha na rin. “D-dapat kasi hindi ganito, ‘te…”:
“Alam ko, bunso…”
“‘Yung pangako niya sa’kin, Ate… hindi na matutupad.”
Ang hirap lumunok kapag merong sagabal sa lalamunan ko na hindi ko maintindihan. Ang hirap din pigilan nitong mga luha ko lalo na’t nararamdaman ko rin ang panginginig ni Ate Yves sa tabi ko dahil umiiyak na rin siya kagaya ko.
Alam kong gusto niya rin akong i-comfort pero hindi niya ‘yun magagawa when kaming dalawa ang kailangang aluhin.
Humarap ako kay Ate Yves at niyakap siya ng mahigpit bago tuluyang hinayaan ang mga luha ko na dumaloy sa pisngi ko.
“I’m so sorry for your loss, Ate… I’m so sorry na ngayon lang ako nakabalik.”
Her breath hitched against my cheek. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, Sam. Thank you for coming back home, Sam. Alam kong masisiyahan si Alora na binisita mo siya ulit kahit sa ganitong paraan pa.”
I sobbed harder. “I’m so sorry, Ate… I’m so sorry…”
Moments later, the priest came to bless Ate Alora one last time before she was finally buried in her final resting place with her friends and family watching intently with mournful expressions.
I was just standing beside Ate Yves all the time. We were trying to be strong even if we knew we were so fragile at this moment.
I watched her get buried while my heart also sank.
I was still hopelessly wishing na sana panaginip lang talaga ‘to. Paulit ulit ko ‘tong wini-wish sa utak ko kahit alam ko na wala na talagang mangyayari. Ito na siya sa harapan naming lahat. Wala na talaga siya. Hindi na siya babalik pa kahit anong gawin namin dito.
Kahit sigawan ko ang Diyos alam kong huli na talaga. Wala na akong magagawa kundi ang umiyak at iproseso lahat ‘to.
-
“Sigurado ka ba na aalis ka na agad pabalik sa maynila? Isang araw ka pa lang dito ah.”
I was closing my luggage when I heard Dad speak behind me.
Nakaupo ako ngayon sa sahig ng kwarto ko dito sa bahay habang inaayos ang mga gamit ko. Yesterday, we buried her. Tomorrow, I’m going back to manila to go back to school.
I know that my professors gave me a couple of days to stay here and process the death of a loved one, pero mas better sa’kin kung may ginagawa ako. It’s better if I’m distracted.
“Yes, Dad. Babalik naman ako dito after graduation.” Which is ilang months na lang.
“May ilang araw ka pa naman, bebe. Ayaw mo bang makipag-usap muna sa mga kaibigan mo dito?”
I sighed. “I don’t think I can, Dad. I still need time para sa sarili ko. Tamang-tama, may upcoming dance workshop pa kami.”
“Bebe…”
“I know, Dad.” I sighed again pero this time hinarap ko na siya. “Bigay mo na po sa’kin ‘to. Hindi ko pa sila kayang makausap na hindi iniisip si Ate Alora.”
Dad gave me an understanding look. “Sige, magpa-pack na rin ako.”
“Sorry po talaga.”
“It’s okay, bebe.” Lumapit siya sa’kin bago yumuko at binigyan ako ng halik sa ulo ko. “Naiintindihan kita.”
After a few minutes na umalis na si dad sa kwarto ko, tumayo na ako at humiga sa bed ko. My phone was vibrating a lot. Alam ko na kung sino ‘yung mga nagme-message at chat sa’kin kaya parang ayaw kong i-open.
After a while, the vibration stopped pero napalitan ito ng ringtone ko when someone is calling.
I looked at the caller’s name, only to see that it was Aubrey. Even if I was unsure, I still answered it. May nagtutulak sa’kin na sagutin ito eh.
“Hello?”
“Sam? Is this still your number?”
“Yes, Aub. May kailangan ka ba?”
There was a slight pause before she continued. “Free ka ba ngayong hapon?”
“Yeah, kakatapos ko lang magpack ng mga gamit ko. Bakit?”
“Labas tayo? Sunduin kita.”
“Uy! Bakit?”
“Aalis ka na kasi bukas, sinabi sa’min ni tita.” She let out a small laugh. “I wanted to talk to you, kamustahin ka sa mga ganap sa buhay mo sa maynila bago ka umalis.”
“Uuwi naman ako dito after graduation, Aubs.” I exhaled. “At ayoko pang makipag-usap sana kahit kanino.”
“Alam ko,” she sighed. “Pero gusto ko pa rin na maka usap ka ngayon. Kahit isang oras lang, Sam.” She insisted.
Pinag-isipan ko ito ng ilang segundo bago ulit bumuntong-hininga.
“Sure ka ba?”
“Oo naman! Sunduin nga kita eh! Kahit kasama pa ‘yang si Jo if gusto mo. Kung hindi mo alam may sasakyan na ako at marunong na akong mag-drive.” Hindi ko mapigilan na mapangiti noong marinig ko ang pagkaproud sa boses ni Aubrey.
“Okay, sige. Sabihan ko si Ate.”
“Yes!” I heard her shout on the other line na ikinatawa ko na lamang. “Give me 10 minutes at nandiyan na ako.”
Napaupo naman ako d’on. “Grabe! Agad agad?!”
“Of course, time is precious when you’re about to leave again tomorrow kaya tumayo ka na diyan.”
“Oo na! Ito na!”
I immediately told Ate Jo of Aubrey’s arrival and invitation na lumabas which caused her face to sour. Pero kahit gan’un, hindi nakaligtas sa’kin ang kinang sa mga mata niya when I mentioned Aubrey.
Ayaw pa kasi umamin kahit ilang taon na siyang nililigawan eh.
After a few minutes, Aubrey arrived just on time na tapos na kaming mag-ayos ni Ate Jo. Busangot ang mukha ni Ate noong makita niya si Aubrey sa labas ng gate namin na naka sandal sa labas ng sasakyan niya at nagce-cellphone.
I greeted her first when I opened the gate. Kaagad namang nagliwanag ang mukha niya noong makita na kasama ko ang kapatid ko.
“Hello, my love.”
“Anong my love ka diyan?! Tumigil ka nga.” Inirapan pa siya ni Ate at walang sabi na umupo sa passengers seat ng sasakyan ni Aubrey.
I looked at the two of them suspiciously pero hindi na ako nag komento pa.
Whatever is happening sa kanilang dalawa, wala na ako diyan.
“Saan tayo?” I asked briefly when Aubrey started driving palabas sa place namin.
“Somewhere homy and familiar.”
Hindi na ako nag tanong pa ulit kahit hindi ako sigurado sa lugar na dinescribe niya. I sat comfortably while I watched the two of them bicker in front of me.
Kahit malungkot at masakit ang puso ko ngayon, hindi ko pa rin mapigilan na mapangiti habang tinitingnan ko ang dalawa.
They might fight like dogs and cats, alam ko na they always have each other's back. Sa ilang taon na ligawan nila habang nasa maynila ako, alam kong may something na ‘to sa tinginan nila ngayon. May bago.
“Malapit na tayo,” Aubrey announced while turning the car to the right.
I saw the familiar buildings that I always used to see whenever I went to school and walked around to eat with them… and with Ate Alora.
The same buildings, pero may mga ibang bago rin. I saw my old school before I went and studied in Manila. It was still the same red and gold school that I used to hate (which is normal if you study in a catholic school). Seeing the Jollibee beside it made me remember a lot of memories, too.
And most of them are with her.
“Thank you, Lord, at may space pa.” Aubrey parked in front of the building where we used to eat, too.
Just seeing its name made me feel comforted already.
“Buti na lang at alas tres na kaya wala na masyadong mga estudyante at matatanda,” Aubrey chuckled.
“Ikaw ‘yung matanda.” My sister uttered.
“Tatandang kasama mo lang, love.”
“Ew!”
I laughed at their continuous banter hanggang sa makapasok na kami sa loob ng Quan.
The same familiar smell of pastries and other comforting foods like batchoy immediately engulfed my senses, making me feel warm and sentimental.
“Ako na mag order, ano sa'yo, Sam?” Aubrey asked while holding up her wallet.
I glanced at my sister na dumiretso na sa isang table na parang si Aubrey na ang bahala sa kanya. Grabe naman ‘to, nagpapa princess treatment sa princess.
“Uh, batchoy na lang skin, tas tatlong chicken pie,” I said while letting my eyes scan the place.
“The large one ba?”
“Yes, please.”
“Alright. Upo ka na.”
Umiling ako. “I'll help you na lang carry our food.”
“Don't worry, Sam. I'll call you na lang if I need help with this. Malapit lang naman table natin, so no worries.”
“Fine.”
Hindi naman nagtagal at dumating na ang order namin. Maraming kwentong sinabi si Aubrey sa’kin habang si Ate naga-add na lang ng details if kailangan. I listened to them yap about their lives here while I try to distract myself from remembering all the times that I went here with Ate Alora kapag may free time kami sa schedules namin na nag sabay.
And Aubrey knows it. Alam niyang dito ang tambayan namin ni Ate Alora so hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit dito niya ako dinala.
“CR lang ako. Naiihi ako eh.” Paalam bigla ni Ate Jo habang nagu-usap kami.
Tumango naman ako at hinayaan siya na umalis para magbanyo.
Kaagad ko namang kinuha ang pagkakataon na ‘to para komprontahin si Aubrey.
“Why did you really bring me here?” to the same place that we used to eat.
Aubrey looks at me softly, na parang hindi na siya nabigla sa tanong ko. She stopped eating her food before holding my hand that was resting on top of the table.
“This is where we broke up, alam mo ba ‘yun?”
I froze. Unable to answer it kasi hindi ko alam na dito sila nagbreak noon.
“I’ll take that as a no.” She chuckled sadly. “We broke up here while talking about us. This is where she also told me na what she felt for me was more on the platonic side of love and not romantic at all.” She smiled, clearly reminiscing about all that had happened between the two of them here. “The surprising part is I was not angry at all. Pakiramdam ko mas nakahinga pa ako ng maluwag noon.”
“Bakit?” I asked, though it came out as a whisper.
“Kasi doon ko narealize na I was in love with someone else, too, and not to her.” Her smile softened before her gaze landed on me. “At siya, inamin din sa’kin na ikaw ang mahal niya.”
My lips parted as I tried to process everything.
Syempre, alam ko na ang nararamdaman ni Ate Alora sa’kin. Kita ko rin naman kasi ‘yun noon sa mga tingin na binibigay niya sa’kin tuwing magkasama kami. Just like that time when we talked sa harapan ng beach house niya while our friends were playing sa beach.
I could still picture everything perfectly. I could still remember how the wind messed with her hair, but it just made her look 10 times prettier in my eyes.
“But you already knew that, right?” Ate Aubrey smiled and squeezed my hand for the last time before letting it go. “You already knew how much she loved you.”
“Yes…” I could barely say anything dahil sa unti-unting paglakas ng tibok ng puso ko.
“That's just how she is… kapag gusto niya ipaparamdam niya talaga. She's good with that. The only thing that she was not good at was telling someone that she was already drowning.”
Iniwas ko naman ang tingin ko sa kanya at huminga ng malalim.
“I know you still don't wanna talk about Alora, Sam. Pero I just wanna tell you this before you leave.” I heard her sigh before she continued. “The day before she died, kasama niya kami ni Yves. We were out and doing our normal weekend hangouts after work. There were no signs, Sam. She was just… the same. She was acting normally kaya hindi naman alam na huli na pala ‘yun.” She let out a bitter laugh. “We didn't know because maybe we also didn't try to look at her. Hindi siya namin tinanong kung okay lang ba siya? Hinayaan lang namin kasi akala namin okay pa rin ang lahat. Na okay lang siya. Pero hindi na pala.”
“I blame myself too for not coming home soon…” I whispered.
“Don't we all?” I finally looked at her. “But you don't have to carry the guilt, Sam. It wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's fault.” She lifted her hand and touched my cheek. “Don't blame yourself for this, Summer. Wala kang kasalanan. You also loved her, just like us. It was just… she wasn't able to help herself because she refused to ask for help when she was already drowning.”
-
The next day, Dad and I flew back to Manila. Nagpaalam pa rin ako through message sa mga kaibigan namin. They understood me, so they didn't ask more questions about my sudden departure.
Ate Yves insisted that I contact her kahit once a week lang. Kaagad naman akong nag-agree dahil namimiss ko naman na siya.
And she's one of the things that could remind me of my happy memories with Ate Alora kahit mahirap pa rin ngayong tanggapin ang lahat.
Then months passed, and it was finally the day of my graduation. Ate Yves and our other friends were coming to celebrate my graduation with me kahit isang araw lang.
My parents immediately arranged for a small party venue para sa graduation ko. Hindi naman na ako naka hindi pa kasi magsasabi pa lang ako nakapa reserved na silang dalawa.
They just want my day to be good if it's not the best.
These past few months were hard. From dealing with my thesis to learning how to cope with this grief from losing the love of my life, it almost made me spiral.
Buti na lang my friends were also here to help me out. They helped me channel my guilt and rage to different kinds of activities such as dancing para maka release ako ng emosyon ko kahit sa pag sayaw lang.
I've also met with a professional kahit mahirap noong una kasi in denial pa rin ako eh. She made me feel welcome. She made me see that I was not alone in dealing with this guilt and grief. She helped me learn how to process my emotions by guiding me slowly every session.
Grabe nga ang pasalamat ko sa kanya noong huling session namin, but she told me that I should thank myself instead, kasi she was just there to support and guide me through my journey of healing. If hindi ako nag effort, wala ring mangyayari. I wouldn't be here to where I am right now.
“Happy graduation day, Summer.”
“Thank you, Ate Yves.” She handed me a bouquet na kaagad ko namang tinanggap. “You didn't have to.”
She smiled softly. “That's from us and this is from her.” She gave me a small gift bag and gave it to me.
“A-ano po ‘to? Kanino ‘to galing?”
Hindi ko alam kung tama ba ang narinig ko at hindi rin ako sigurado kung tama ba ang iniisip ko.
“When Alora went to Spain 2 years ago, she called me para mag tanong kung bagay ‘yan sa'yo as her graduation gift for you. She had it customized for you as her gift when you see each other sa graduation mo. But she never had the chance to give it to you.”
I stared at it longer that I expected. Pilit kong pinoproseso ang sinabi ni Ate Yves. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat kong maramdaman.
“I… I don't know what to say…”
Ate Yves touched my arm and gently pinched it.
“It's okay, Sam. Take your time.”
“Thank you po…”
“No worries, our bunso. We'll go na ha? Mauna na kami sa resto. See you there sa celebration mo.”
“See you, Ate. Salamat ulit dito.”
Before they could even leave, humarap muli sa’kin si Ate Yves.
“You know what? Kaya namin nabigay ‘yan sa'yo kasi nasa study table lang ‘yan sa kwarto niya. She always wanted to give that to you, Sam. So I hope you'll forgive her for leaving us so soon.”
My heart throbbed painfully. Masakit pa rin kapag naalala ko ang nangyari, at mahirap pa rin tanggapin, pero slowly, I was accepting it thanks to all the people who helped me.
“I know, Ate. Thank you…”
My parents approached me and told me that they'll wait for me in the car na lang before leaving me alone when they sensed that I wanted to be alone for a few minutes.
I was still staring at the gift bag—a little bit scared to open it.
Maybe I'll open it when I'm fully healed. When I finally let go of this guilt.
I sighed quietly. Oras na siguro para pumunta na sa kotse at umalis na dito.
I let my eyes linger all over the place where a lot of newly graduated students were having conversations with their loved ones kagaya ko kanina. They were all wearing happy faces, and I know that I should be, too.
While I wandered my eyes around the crowd, I imagined her standing in the middle of the chaos, smiling at me with her dimples out, her eyes turning into crescents, and mouthing “I'm proud of you” even when she's too far away from me.
“Even when you're not here, you're still here.” I chuckled bitterly as the scars of grief squeezed my heart painfully.
I looked at the sky before closing my eyes and letting out a bittersweet smile.
Maybe the biggest regret that I will carry in my entire life is the fact that I never got to answer your question, Ate Alora. You didn't give me the chance to finally answer it today, just like we promised.
It was supposed to be easy, telling you how I feel. Telling you that I was in love with you, too. Pero wala ka na eh. You lied to me and to yourself that you would make it, but you also believed that I would never break mine.
“I finally made it, Ate…” I whispered, hoping that it would get carried by the wind to where Ate Alora is now. “I graduated. I kept my promise to you even when you weren't able to keep yours.”