Chapter Text
The quiet streets greeted her as she stormed towards her barely habitable apartment, the sun slowly rising on the horizon. The bitter cold cut through her dress- she had forgotten a coat in her hurry to get to Elain, to see her sister that had been a servant for the last ten years- while she was abandoned by the Inner Circle. Feyre had fulfilled her promise to tell her when Elain returned and she tried to hold herself together, to hide the sobs from passersby. Elain’s body was battered, but she could tell her spirit was intact. Something she was sure that Elain would attribute to her wonderful mate- the mate who had stood by because of a bargain and the orders of his High Lord.
She walked through the Palace of Hoof and Leaf, many of the market stalls closed, a handful of merchants stocking their wares. Any that met her gaze immediately dropped it and turned to another task- any task that would keep her out of their line of sight. Her reputation preceded her. The black sheep. Death with a pretty face. The High Lady’s sister who no one spoke of, no one acknowledged. She preferred this way of being, this life. No expectations. She did whatever she damn well pleased.
The alleys were full of fae like her. Those that lived in the dark, whose pain was never relieved, who stared into the abyss and spat at it- staying alive out of spite. Well, hers was out of spite and desperately wanting her sister to come home. And now her sister was here and it did not make things better- the black hole that was her heart remained. Normally, she’d feel the shadows of the spymaster following her, making sure she got home safely, but not this morning. No. Azriel and his shadows were guarding her sister, his precious mate.
Mate. She spat the word in her mind. She swore that Cassian believed that of them, that the looks he gave her were charged, desperate. He had never spoken the word. Perhaps afraid, but most likely waiting for her to acknowledge that it was something she might even consider. He had watched Lucien rip his bond apart with Truth-Teller and likely thought she would do the same. But she felt nothing for him, nothing more than a dangerous curiosity. What could that Illyrian warrior do to her?
She stood in front of the tattered door and sighed. Home. It might not be much, but it was where she wanted to be. This is where she could be herself.
Azriel draped a heavy arm over her body, pulling her more securely into his chest. Their shared exhaustion evident in the hours they had spent sleeping- Azriel only leaving her side to bring her favorite foods and tea. She had not realized the mutual strain it was to be apart until she watched him struggle to pull his clothing back on a few hours before. He had hid his own pain from her well.
They had had no visitors since her sisters. He kept the rest of the world shut outside their door, the Inner Circle turned away for the time being. They could not help her and she was his sole concern, everything else would wait.
She stared at the ceiling, watching as the shadows shifted and swayed, painting pictures for her. It was something they had come to do when the nightmares were too harsh and she desperately needed a distraction to survive. She never knew what story they were trying to tell. She never knew if Azriel had ordered them to keep her sane, but she suspected that even if he didn’t they realized what she needed in her darkest moments and they gave her what they could.
She gripped his forearm tight, securing his hold around her as images flashed through her mind. Beatings. Stabbings. Grievous injuries that she would have never survived before the cauldron. Scalding water and iron brands. It was a miracle she had so few permanent scars on her body. She felt him shift, sitting up to where he could watch her. She had woken him again and as she looked at his arm, she realized there were crescent shaped punctures from where her nails had pierced his skin. She jerked away, holding her hands to her chest. She could not touch him. She would hurt him. She never meant to hurt anyone.
He leaned down, gently pressing kisses to her hands, gathering her into his lap. And he waited. She stared at the blood that pooled on his arm and watched as the punctures knitted themselves back together. He reached for a towel and wiped the blood away, it didn’t seem to even phase him. She had just held him tight enough to draw blood and he acted like this was normal, like she had done nothing wrong.
“I hurt you.”
“Can you tell me what you saw? You were so far away.”
Had she lost time? Had Azriel been trying to get her back to the now and she had been stuck in some other place? She forgot about her seer powers for most of the last decade, but when they struck- she could fade out of the world completely. It was easier to fade out of the world many days, but she could not do that with him.
“Lainey love…”
“How long did I disappear? Did I lose hours? I don’t want to go back to that. I don’t want to be a ghost of a female again. I just want…”
“It was only a few minutes, the shadows woke me when you started hyperventilating. Lainey- I’m here. For you. For whatever you need.”
“There. My mind went back there. I saw them. I saw what they did to me and I felt it and I…I didn’t realize I was hurting you. What if I keep doing this? What if you can’t sleep next to me because I might do worse? Az, I…”
“Hey, hey, hey- breathe. C’mon, breathe with me.”
He placed her hands on his chest and then one of his own on hers. He took in a deep breath and she forced herself to try to mimic it. A huff of a breath came out and he took another deep breath, a slightly longer one left her chest. She watched the rise and fall of his chest, felt his other hand cupping her cheek, his thumb rubbing circles along her neck. She felt the tightness in her loosen and her eyes locked with his. Patience, concern, and relief flashed through his gaze, but he did not pull away. He stayed in the panic with her. She thought she loved him when he stole moments away with her, but that paled in comparison to what rushed through her now. He saw all the pain and he bore it with her.
“I should go somewhere else- where I can’t hurt you.”
“If that’s what you want- I’ll go crash in the hall, but Lainey- I’ve already healed.”
She stared at his arm and the barely visible nail marks. She did not want him to leave but she was terrified of who she would be while she came back to herself. She had glimpses from when she came out of the cauldron, the world overwhelmed her then. She also knew her powers better now, had seen them lash out to protect her in the darkest times in the fortress. How could she guarantee that they didn’t do that to him? That they were able to distinguish that he was not there to harm her, he was here to love her. She felt him shifting and he placed her back in the bed, his warmth pulling away. Her hands acted of their own accord, clutching his arm and she shook her head. He couldn’t go. Not yet. Not now.
She buried her face in his chest as he settled back in the bed, his arms pulling her to lay atop him. He started with her shoulders, massaging out the tension that she held throughout her body. His heartbeat was steady, his hands firm but gentle. Grace. He was giving her grace and meeting her where she was. She crawled up his body, settling her face in the crook of his neck, lacing her fingers through his hair as she gripped him tight. A chuckle rumbled through his chest and her giggle joined it. Her eyes went heavy again and she fought to stay awake with him for a moment longer.
“Love you, Az.”
“Love you more.”