Chapter Text
Shauna curls her fingers around the steering wheel as she leans back in the driver’s seat of her car, unsure what to do with herself.
Jackie’s in Rome with her parents. They spoke on the phone last night, and Shauna could imagine her on the hotel bed, probably in one of her lavender pajama sets with lace at the front of the top and a pattern of lilacs around the ankles. She was probably curling the wire of the telephone around her fingers as she spoke. Shauna usually goes on vacation with her, but Jackie wanted to bring Jeff this time, to show her parents how serious and committed their relationship is, even though her parents have made a big show of putting them up in separate hotels rooms.
Someone should tell them that they don’t even need to, because Jackie won’t put out, not even on Valentine’s Day after Jeff has bought her roses (she doesn’t even like roses) and half-off chocolate. Jackie dreads Valentine’s Day because of the expectations it places on her. Shauna wonders what Jeff would say if she ever told him any of that. She doubts he would understand. That’s why Jackie talks to Shauna about it, instead.
But Shauna’s not the one she wanted to take on vacation with her, so she can look forward to three weeks of nothingness until Jackie returns.
Right now, she’s parked in her driveway. She’d gotten the sudden urge to go out and do something, but she hasn’t stuck the key in yet. The urge is already fading, but it feels pathetic to go back to her room and stare at the ceiling like she was doing before.
Shauna shoves her car keys in more aggressively than necessary. Her car was already a piece of shit when her mom bought it for her sixteenth birthday, and it’s even worse now. It’s hers, though. She took the driving lessons and she saved the money for gas. It’s pretty much the only thing she doesn’t share with Jackie, who can’t be bothered to take the road test because she has Shauna to drive her around.
Jackie was distant on the phone, giggling at something Jeff was saying in the background and making Shauna acutely aware of how many miles there are between them right now. Maybe Jackie and Jeff will be married when they come home. How old do you have to be to get married in France? Shauna isn’t sure. But Jackie and Jeff will probably get married someday, divorced, too, but they’ll consummate the marriage before that, and Shauna doesn’t like the idea of that.
Shauna drives in silence, looking at the wealthy Wiskayok houses she drives by, sparkling green lawns and white picket fences. Her dad lives in a house like that now, on the other side of town with his better, shinier family. She hasn’t stepped foot in his house since she was fourteen and his new wife told her not to touch anything. She’s just left the neighbourhood when she slows down, spotting a familiar face.
Nine months and twenty-four days from now, Jackie will look at Shauna over the glow of an amateur campfire and ask: “What about you, Shipman? Any secrets big enough to crash a goddamn plane?” and Shauna will avoid Mari’s gaze, but right now, she meets her eyes.
Mari smiles, leaning back on the park bench she’s settled on. There’s a half-melted Slurpee beside her, and her gym bag’s at her feet. “Hey, Shauna,” she says lightly. “Shouldn’t you be in Rome?”
“I guess not,” Shauna replies. She’s rolled down her window and stopped her car beside Mari, unsure what to do now. Maybe it was a mistake to stop. The two of them aren’t really friends. Sure, they might share a cigarette at a party sometimes, but Mari’s a sophomore, she has her own friends. Well, Shauna supposes she’s a junior now, since the school year’s over. But still, Shauna would have preferred running into Van or Lottie, or even Taissa, who she butts heads with often but at least knows well.
“My parents took me to Rome when I was a baby,” Mari says, not seeming to catch the tension behind Shauna’s words. “Everyone there loves babies.”
“I think people love babies everywhere,” Shauna mumbles.
“Yeah, but I was, like, an abnormally cute baby,” Mari tells her. She nods towards the empty spot on the bench beside her.
Shauna is going to make up an excuse. She’s going to say she’s late to be somewhere, since she has such an interesting, eventful life even without Jackie around. Maybe she’s going to a fancy restaurant with a really cute guy who begged her to go out with him. Maybe she’s going to a book signing because she’s secretly a bestselling author.
Shauna gets out of the car.
Mari slurps her Slurpee. “Wanna try?” she asks. “I mixed all the flavours.”
Jackie would decline, thinking about the empty calories. Shauna takes the cup from Mari. “They let you do that?” she asks.
“You don’t do it while they’re looking, duh,” Mari says. “Good, right?” she asks, as Shauna takes a sip.
At first, all she tastes is Mari’s watermelon lip balm coating the top of the straw. Then, the sickly sweet flavour hits her, the overwhelming mix of Coke and blue raspberry and cherry and she doesn’t even know what the rest is. “It’s okay,” Shauna says.
Mari snatches the cup back. “That was, like, a ten cent sip. But I’ll let it slide.”
Shauna rolls her eyes. “Thanks, Ibarra.”
“No problem, Shipman.”
Shauna looks down at the crumpled gym bag. She should probably work out more. Mari is so slender, she always has been. Jackie would say she’s wasting it by downing junk food right after, but at least Mari has the discipline to go out and do something this summer instead of sitting at home. If her best friend went on vacation without her, her life would keep on going as normal until she got back.
“I was gonna head up to the school and practice a little,” Mari says. “Wanna come?”
“Are you asking me to drive you there?” Shauna asks.
“Maybe.”
They get in Shauna’s car, and Mari starts touching things immediately. She flicks the switch to the cassette player, and Say It Ain’t So begins to play. “Of course you listen to Weezer,” she says. She opens the glove compartment, and helps herself to a mint from the bag inside. “I kind of thought you were gonna have a gun in here.”
“Why would I have a gun?” Shauna asks irritably.
“Yeah, you’re right,” Mari replies. “You seem more like a knife person.”
It’s weird driving up to Wiskayok High without Jackie in the passenger seat, stretching out her long limbs and spraying her perfume everywhere. Jackie’s always making fun of Shauna’s music, but Mari sings along in a sweet but kind of off key voice.
The parking lot is almost empty, which is weird too, since Shauna’s gotten into quite a few arguments over parking spots before. Last year, some senior stole her spot just as she was about to drive in, and Jackie yelled out the window at him. Well, Shauna supposes she’s a senior now, even though the year hasn’t started, so now she can steal spots from juniors if she pleases.
Mari bounds out of the car the moment it stops moving, effortlessly tying back her hair with a spiky brown claw clip she produced out of nowhere. “Last one to the field’s a rotten egg,” she declares.
“That hasn’t been a thing since, like, second grade,” Shauna protests.
“Sounds like rotten egg talk to me,” Mari says, and then she’s off.
Shauna wasn’t expecting the other girl to be so damn fast. Mari bounds ahead of her like a hunted deer, disappearing around the corner of the school building before Shauna’s even left the parking lot. She isn’t wearing the right shoes for this.
Mari slows down a considerable amount by the time they’re near the field, probably because she feels sorry for Shauna gasping behind her, stumbling in her slightly too-small Converse she regrets not throwing out. Mari grins at her, sun reflecting off her pearly white teeth. “C’mon, you’re on my team.”
“Isn’t it just us?” Shauna asks, shrugging off her flannel and dropping it in the dead grass. It’s only then that she really looks up, and sees the little group of girls lounging on the bleachers, all a grade below her, all teammates she’s never really spoken to. “Seriously?” she groans. “I don’t even know-”
“Don’t be so standoffish,” Mari says, grabbing Shauna’s arm and dragging her along. “You know you and Jackie aren’t the only people on the team, right?”
Shauna’s never been good at making new friends. That’s always been Jackie’s thing, she sets her eyes on someone and decides if they should be allowed into her and Shauna’s orbit. She’s the one who’s good at charming people and making them want to be close to her. Shauna’s used to standing around waiting for Jackie to finish talking to the dozens of people who think she’s the coolest person ever and barely acknowledging Shauna.
But Jackie isn’t here right now. Shauna isn’t standing in her shadow, waiting to be noticed and half-hoping she won’t be. It’s a little bit terrifying, realizing that she has to represent herself.
Shauna wipes her hands on her jeans. What is she so scared of? These girls are all younger than her, probably shyer than her, with a year's less soccer experience. It’s not like she’s worried she’s gonna look like an antisocial weirdo in front of Mari. Or is she?
The first to greet them is Melissa. She has dirty blonde hair she hides behind a baseball cap, and Shauna’s pretty sure she has about five or six older brothers who went to Wiskayok High before she did and made sure that the any teacher would see her last name on the attendance sheet and immediately know who she was, for better or for worse. “Hey,” she says, scuffing her own beat up Converse against the grass, and she seems a little shy, a little nervous, though Shauna doesn’t know why she would be. These are her friends, after all.
“Hey,” Shauna responds. “How’s your summer going?”
Melissa seems almost shocked that Shauna’s speaking to her, and for a moment, she just stares, wide-eyed. “Good,” she finally mumbles.
Okay. Weird. Mari rolls her eyes at the encounter, and Shauna has the distinct feeling that she’s missing something.
Two girls that Shauna admittedly doesn’t know the names of wave at her in unison without speaking, and the fourth girl walks up and gives Mari a one-armed hug before nodding at Shauna. Gen. Shauna half knows her, she’s seen her dragging a drunk Mari away from a bowl of spiked punch at a party more than once.
Shauna’s team consists of herself, Mari, and Gen, while Melissa and the two other girls who turn out to be named Britt and Robin are on the opposing team. Melissa brought a soccer ball from home, since apparently none of them had been able to convince Misty Quigley to lend them the keys to the sports equipment storage over the summer.
It turns out to be more fun than Shauna expected. Without a referee or goalies or the pressure of needing to win, it becomes more like a game than a sport, it reminds Shauna of kicking a ball back and forth with Jackie on the playground in first grade before everything mattered so much, back when she actually liked sports.
And on that note, Shauna kicks the ball directly through Britt’s legs, and it sails into the net. “Suck it!” Mari yells, throwing her arms around Shauna’s neck from behind. “That’s ten to four, losers!”
“You were keeping track?” Shauna asks, laughing.
“No,” Mari admits, just quietly enough so the others don’t hear. “But I feel like it’s ten to four.”
Eventually they all get too tired and too sweaty to keep playing, and end up sitting around in the grass instead, blowing the parachutes off dandelions. “Are you excited to graduate?” Gen asks Shauna, leaning back in the grass.
“Not really,” Shauna admits. “I feel like high school went by way too fast.”
“I feel like it’s going by too slowly,” Mari groans. “I can’t wait to get out of here and do my road trip.”
“Your road trip?” Shauna echoes.
“She’s had this road trip around America planned since we were, like, twelve,” Gen snorts.
“You know you need a car to go on a road trip, right?” Britt teases.
Mari shrugs indifferently. “I’ll just get a hot senior guy to drive me,” she says. She grins at Shauna. “Know anyone?”
A flicker of irritation stirs in Shauna’s chest, and she can’t pinpoint why. There are no hot guys in her grade. No one that wouldn’t get bored of Mari once they’d gotten in her pants. “Randy Walsh,” she says, because it’s the only name that pops into her head. Jackie’s always saying Shauna should go on a double date with him and Jackie and Jeff, and the idea makes Shauna want to vomit.
The other girls erupt into laughter, and Shauna knows she’s successfully avoided actually having to try and set Mari up with someone.
It becomes a thing. The six of them meet on the field in the early morning or late afternoon, soon it becomes whenever they feel like it. Sometimes Britt doesn’t come because she’s at her waitressing job, or Robin skips because she has the immune system of a Victorian toddler and is constantly sick with some flu or cold, or Melissa’s dad decides she needs to help with clear out their attic or paint their fence for five hours, or Gen’s at swim practice or tennis, but Mari shows up every day, and so does Shauna, and usually at least one of the other girls. When Melissa isn’t there, they don’t have a soccer ball, so they end up just sitting around on the bleachers smoking cigarettes Shauna steals from her mom.
It’s unusually cloudy for July when they retire to the bleachers after an hour of what can hardly be described as soccer when there’s only four of them. Mari perches next to Shauna like she always does, and produces a little plastic baggie from her purse. “Is that a joint?” Robin squeaks.
“Got it from one of Nat’s friends,” Mari says, grinning. “He said pretty girls can get it for free.”
“You didn’t have to do anything for it, right?” Shauna asks. Some of the guys Natalie hangs around make her nervous. They’re all older, some of them much older.
Mari snorts. “Who do you think I am?”
Melissa pulls a lighter out of her pocket like she’d prepared for this, though she looks nervously over her shoulder. “There aren't any cameras out here, are there?”
Mari rolls her eyes impatiently, taking the lighter from Melissa. “No, dumbass. Where would they put them, in the trees?”
“I dunno,” Melissa says, and they watch as Mari lights the joint. “Every time we’re here, I always feel like Coach Martinez is gonna come yell at us for something.”
“If you’re not moving, you’re wasting time!” Mari yells, a shockingly good impression of their coach, and Shauna can’t help but laugh. Mari’s silly in a way Jackie doesn’t let herself be, always thinking about how other people are perceiving her.
Shauna’s never really been stoned before. Sure, she’s taken a hit or two of a joint at a party, but she’s heard how Taissa sneers at Natalie for showing up to practice smelling like weed, and there’s some part of her that really wants someone like Taissa, who seems to have everything figured out, to respect her. But she finds herself taking a long puff everytime the joint is handed to her, sucking in deep as Robin coughs and wheezes. It’s kind of nice, feeling her mind slow down, her body grow warm and relaxed.
Mari rests her chin on the top of Shauna’s head, a gesture of affection that’s new between them. “Wanna go to that diner off Main Street?” Melissa and Robin have ventured down to the field to lie in the grass. Shauna has the feeling this invitation does not extend to them.
“I have to go home and shower,” Shauna murmurs. “I’m all sweaty.”
“Shower at my place,” Mari says. “It’s not far.”
They walk along the road to Mari’s house, swinging their arms by their sides. Shauna realizes she’s never actually been to Mari’s house. She’s seen it from the outside before, in the backseat of Taissa’s car, Van yelling out of the window of the passenger seat for Mari to hurry up, one time when the four of them carpooled to a game. It’s a two story stone house with a nice lawn. As far as Shauna knows, Mari’s mom only works part time, so she has time to stay home and work on the garden. Shauna’s own yard is neglected and overgrown because her mom is never home.
“Aren’t your parents gonna smell the weed on us?” Shauna asks. As far as she knows, her mom doesn’t care if she smokes or drinks a little at parties, but she probably wouldn’t be too happy if Shauna came home stoned in the middle of the day.
“My dad was a huge stoner in high school, so he knows he can’t say shit about it,” Mari tells her, smirking. “And my mom.... Let’s just try not to get too close to her.”
Shauna admires the garden gnomes outside Mari’s house as they walk up to the front steps. “You’re an only child, right?” she asks. “I’ve never heard you talk about having siblings.”
Mari nods. “No siblings here. And I’m glad, I wouldn’t wanna share my parents or my stuff with someone. You don’t have any siblings either, right?”
“Right,” Shauna echoes after a moment. She doesn’t feel like getting into it.
Mari’s house is brighter than Shauna’s. There are family photos everywhere, old finger paintings that Mari must have made when she was a child adorning the walls. A woman who must be Mari’s mother is bent over a steaming pot in the kitchen. Shauna recognizes her from the audience at their games last year. “I didn’t expect you home so early, mija,” she says, looking up with a smile, and Shauna can see Mari so clearly in Mrs. Ibarra’s face. “Who’s your friend?”
“This is Shauna,” Mari says. “Midfielder. We were just gonna hang out a bit before going out to eat.”
Mrs. Ibarra frowns. “Aren’t you eating here? I hardly see you these days…”
“I won’t be out late, I promise,” Mari says quickly. “C’mon, Shauna.” Shauna gives Mrs. Ibarra a quick smile before Mari drags her upstairs.
Shauna’s showered at Jackie’s house more times than she can count. Jackie’s guest bathroom is really nice, stocked up with expensive soaps and shampoos and other products. No one ever uses it except for when she sleeps over, so she always has it all to herself. Mari’s place is different, she figures out pretty quickly. They don’t have a guest bathroom, and the one Mari herds her into is not white and spacious like Jackie’s, but smaller and covered in decor, the shower curtain bright and flowery, electric candles on the counters. Shauna likes it immediately.
“Sorry it’s such a mess,” Mari says quickly, but Shauna just shakes her head, admiring the leopard print carpet in the centre of the floor. “You can use whatever you want,” Mari continues. “I’ll bring you some towels in a sec.”
It takes a little while for Shauna to figure out the shower head, but soon enough, she’s standing under the hot spray. She listens as Mari opens the door a few minutes later, humming to herself as she sets the towels out. “You need anything?” she calls, voice muffled through the water.
“No,” Shauna responds, mesmerized by all the different bottles along the wall.
“Cool,” Mari responds. “I’ll just be in my room.”
Shauna searches through the bottles until she finds the shampoo Mari uses, a sharply sweet grapefruit scent Shauna’s smelled on her before.
Mari has movie posters all over her walls. Clueless, Edward Scissorhands, Romeo + Juliet, and Pretty Woman are a few that jump out at Shauna. She didn’t know Mari was such a romantic. They sit across from each other on Mari’s bright, checkered bedspread. “Your hair’s wavy when it’s wet,” Mari comments.
Shauna tugs self consciously at a strand. “I guess so.”
“How come you don’t wear it like that?”
“I dunno,” Shauna admits. “It gets frizzy.”
“I like it,” Mari says. Shauna lets go of the strand.
Mari ties her own damp hair up in a ponytail absentmindedly. She’s different when it’s just the two of them. The smug smile that seems to constantly inhabit her features disappears. It reminds Shauna a little bit of Jackie. Both of them are constantly performing. But Mari knows when to turn it off before it consumes her.
“So, what’s up with you and Jackie?” Mari asks.
“She’s my best friend,” Shauna responds, unsure what the question is. That’s what she always responds with, because it’s the least complicated truth about them that she knows. So much in her life has changed, and Jackie’s presence is one of the only things from her childhood that hasn’t disappeared.
“Yeah,” Mari says. “Me and Gen kinda thought you guys were…”
“Were what?” Shauna asks when Mari doesn’t say anything else, her skin prickling, feeling like she’s been caught. There’s nothing unusual about her friendship with Jackie, nothing unusual about her feelings for Jackie. She’s worked so hard for as long as she can remember to make sure that everyone knew that.
“Nothing,” Mari says. “I’m… just surprised you didn’t go on vacation with her. I mean, you’re always going places with her family.” It seems like she made that up on the spot, but Shauna doesn’t care, because at least she doesn’t have to try and answer whatever Mari’s question was.
“She just really wanted to bring Jeff, I guess,” Shauna says lamely. “I mean, Rome is supposed to be a romantic city.”
Mari rolls her eyes at this. “Don’t tell her I said this, but I never bought her and Jeff’s whole ‘romance’ thing. Like, they break up all the time and then Jackie acts like it never happened. And everything about them feels… I don’t know, scripted.”
“I feel that way too,” Shauna admits, because the weed is making her honest, because Mari might be a gossip, but something tells her their conversation isn’t going to leave this bedroom. “Sometimes I think Jackie likes the idea of having a boyfriend more than she likes having a boyfriend. What’s so special about boys, anyway?”
Mari doesn’t answer. She looks at her like she’s trying to figure something out. Like she knows something about Shauna that Shauna doesn’t know about herself.
By the time they leave Mari’s house, their high has fizzled out and their hair has dried off. Shauna looks at the pictures in the hallway as Mari says goodbye to her parents. There are several of a pre teen Mari with a little girl that Shauna would assume to be a sister if she didn’t know that Mari’s an only child. Younger Mari has braces and pigtails, but her smile is the same.
“Oh, my god, don’t look at those,” Mari says, and Shauna can tell that she’s embarrassed. “I was so weird-looking before I got my braces off.”
“No, you weren’t,” Shauna says, and she means it. “You were cute.”
It’s starting to get dark as they get in Shauna’s car. “You didn’t invite Gen, or any of the others?” Shauna asks as she starts the engine.
“Nah,” Mari replies, stretching out her legs. “I just wanted it to be us.”
Shauna doesn’t know why anyone other than Jackie would want to be with just her. It’s no secret that she’s quiet and boring. The only person she hangs out with one on one is Jackie. She does best in group settings where she can observe everyone and their dynamics before chiming in on any subjects. And Jackie clearly doesn’t find her very interesting anymore, since she’s gallivanting around Italy with her perfect boyfriend right now and probably not even thinking of Shauna-
“Are you good?”
Shauna blinks. It’s not Jackie leaned back in her passengers seat, but Mari, staring at her curiously through thick black strands of hair hanging down around her face.
“Yeah,” she says quickly.
“Are we gonna go?” Mari asks, and Shauna realizes that they’re still parked in her driveway, so she hurriedly backs out.
Shauna spots two familiar faces the moment they step into the diner. Taissa and Van are sitting together in a booth with a plate of fries and a milkshake with two straws. Shauna stops to stare at them. They don’t look like friends, not with the way they’re smiling at each other. Something about it makes Shauna envious. Something about it makes her afraid.
She turns on Mari. “Why did you bring me here?” she demands. “Did you know they were gonna be here? Did you know that they were-” she trails off.
Mari swallows. “Sometimes they’re here. Sometimes they’re not.”
“I wanna leave,” Shauna says. They haven’t seen her yet. What will they think when they do? Shauna knows that Taissa will look right at her and Mari standing side by side and know something about them, about Shauna, that she doesn’t even know herself.
“What are you so scared of?” Mari asks, and Shauna’s stomach plummets. She doesn’t even know how to begin to answer that.
“Nothing,” Shauna retorts.
“Prove it,” Mari says, just as stubborn, and so Shauna has to.
Taissa looks uncomfortable, like she wants to crawl out of her skin. Van‘s face is a mixture of nerves and excitement. People have been calling her a dyke behind her back for years, so Shauna supposed she doesn’t have as much of a reputation to lose. Taissa, on the other hand, has a set-in-stone plan for her future and has bern building a careful image of herself for years, and Shauna can see the gears in her head turning, she knows that Taissa is thinking about how close that image is to falling apart right now.
“What are you guys doing all the way out here?” Taissa manages.
“Just getting some dinner,” Mari says, touching Shauna’s arm, and her touch feels like a jolt of electricity. She spots Taissa and Van’s eyes zeroing in on them, and she can’t hide from their gaze. This is all happening too fast, Shauna thinks. They all know something about her that she isn’t ready to accept.
Somehow, they end up in a booth with Taissa and Van, each with their own plate and drink. Shauna tries her hardest not to touch Mari, not to let their legs brush. She sits against the window, feeling boxed in and trapped by these- Shauna doesn’t even know how she should refer to them. She longs to vault over the table and run out of the door and never look back. Instead, she picks at her fries and chews her burger until it turns to mush in her mouth.
“So, uhh,” Van starts. “What have you guys been up to this summer? Seen any good movies?”
“We’ve been playing a bit of soccer,” Mari says.
“Is that a euphemism for-” Van starts.
“Van,” Taissa hisses.
Shauna’s face burns. Rumours of things she’s never done are going to be all over town by the time Jackie comes home. She stares into her half-empty glass of Diet Coke and wills herself to disappear.
“Jesus, Shauna, take a breath,” Mari says, looking sideways at her. “Nobody’s gonna see us and think anything. Why do you think I made you go outside town?”
“But-” Shauna starts, then stops. “But, we’re not-”
Taissa looks at her sympathetically. “You can hide it,” she says. “Until it matters less. That’s what we’re doing.”
“That’s what you’re doing,” Van says, and her usual cheer is nowhere to be found, an unusual seriousness taking over her. “Not everyone wants to pretend they’re a completely different person for the rest of their-”
“It’s just until after college,” Taissa interrupts. There’s a sudden desperation in her eyes that Shauna’s never seen before. “You guys aren’t gonna say anything, are you?”
“Of course not,” Mari says, and she sounds earnest in a way Shauna had not thought possible from her.
“I won’t tell anyone,” Shauna says after a moment of the three of them staring her down. She’s still trying to come to terms with all of this information.
“Not even Jackie,” Taissa says.
“Not even Jackie,” Shauna echoes.
Shauna splashes water on her face in the diner’s bathroom, but it doesn’t make her feel any better. She thinks of Taissa and Van in the booth together, on a date like a normal couple. Maybe that’s what they are. She thinks of Mari touching her arm, looking at her with her deep brown eyes like she was picking Shauna apart. She feels like she’s about to fall head first into a pit she can’t get out of.
Mari’s waiting for her when she comes out, casually leaned against the wall. “It’s getting kind of late,” she says. “Wanna head out?”
“Yeah,” Shauna replies. She’s grateful she gets to leave. Part of her wants to forget that this whole thing ever happened. She should just go home and sleep this off.
But of course, Shauna doesn’t do that. The two of them cruise around at the edge of town for a little while. Mari feeds her fries from their takeaway bag, she turns the radio up and blasts pop music, ignoring as Shauna yells at her to turn it down, and finally they park outside of a gas station when her tank starts to run low.
“I have an idea,” Mari says, watching Shauna pump gas.
“Oh, no.”
Mari smirks, then steps away from the car and over to a man about to enter the gas station’s store. “Excuse me, sir?” she says, and she doesn’t sound like herself, much more reserved and adult-like. “My friend and I were planning on responsibly enjoying some alcohol tonight, but I’m afraid we’ve forgotten our ID cards at home.”
The man raises one eyebrow at her. “You look sixteen,” he states flatly, which makes sense, because Mari is sixteen.
“I’m actually twenty-two,” Mari replies, and Shauna can see that she’s crossing her fingers behind her back, which almost makes her laugh. “I’ve always looked young for my age. No one takes me seriously, it’s awful.”
The man sighs. Then he holds out an open palm, and Mari slaps a twenty onto it.
They ditch Shauna’s car in a nearby parking lot and walk along the side of the road, passing the small, cheap bottle of vodka back and forth. “I can’t believe that worked,” Shauna marvels.
“Me neither,” Mari laughs. “The last time I tried that, I almost got the cops called.” She takes a long, impressive swig of the bottle. “Have you never done that before?”
“No,” Shauna admits. “I don’t really drink. Bad things happen when I drink.”
Mari looks at her sideways, curiosity lighting up her features. “Like what?”
Shauna thinks of a party Taissa hosted in her backyard when her parents were away on a business trip halfway through the last school year. Lottie had shown up halfway through looking mysterious in a fur coat that was definitely too expensive to play beer pong in, and had produced a bottle of Fireball and handed it to Shauna with a smirk. Sometimes Shauna thinks that Lottie, sweet and gentle as she is (off the field, at least) likes to play with them just to see what happens. Shauna had gotten so drunk that Jackie had to drag her to Jeff’s car to lie down, and Shauna had clung to her and begged her not to go, she’d held Jackie’s face tightly and whispered that she had a secret. And Jackie had pulled away, saying she’d get her some water.
“I don’t know,” Shauna answers. “I just can’t control myself.”
“That sucks,” Mari says sympathetically. “Drinking just makes me want to kiss people.” She winks at Shauna, who turns away, her cheeks heating up.
The vodka burns her throat and makes her want to gag, but Shauna drinks it anyway, determined to catch up with Mari, who’s already stumbling. She isn’t thinking of Jackie for once. She isn’t thinking of the diner, or Taissa and Van, she isn’t wallowing in her own self doubt and discontent. She feels loose and warm and just a little bit invincible.
Shauna doesn’t know how it happened, but Mari is wearing her flannel now. It suits her, Shauna thinks. Mari’s arms swing by her sides, her bracelets clinking. Shauna doesn’t often see her with jewelry, since they aren’t allowed to wear any on the field, but she likes this, too, she realizes. Everything looks good on Mari.
The street is dark and empty as they walk across Wiskayok’s only bridge, stopping to look down into the murky waters. “I jumped in with Gen and Britt at the start of summer,” Mari says, half hanging over the railing in a way that makes Shauna’s heart speed up. “My mom totally freaked out when she heard about it. It was really fun, though.”
“I’ve never done that, either,” Shauna murmurs. Van and Natalie jumped in during their sophomore year, and the rumour was that Natalie nearly drowned because she was so high, and Van had to pull her out of the water. Ever since that, Shauna had promised herself that she would never do something so reckless.
“You want to?” Mari asks.
Shauna shakes her head. “Someone could get hurt.”
Mari groans, stepping back from the railing. “I guess you’re right,” she says sullenly. She tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. “Jackie’s back from vacation soon,” she says.
“Yeah,” Shauna replies quietly. Suddenly, she’s not sure if she wants that as badly as she thought she did.
“Have you had fun these last few weeks?” Mari asks.
“Yeah,” Shauna says again. She has had fun. She’s made new friends instead of sitting in her room by herself.
“Me too,” Mari replies. She looks strangely vulnerable. “I don’t want this to change. But…” She leans forward, and Shauna doesn’t do a thing to stop what happens next.
Mari’s lips are soft, and her breath is warm. They’re hesitant at first, barely touching each other, but then it deepens, speeds up, and Shauna’s hands are in Mari’s hair, grabbing it, tugging it, and Mari’s hands are grasping her waist hard enough to leave finger-tip bruises. This is what everyone says that it feels like to kiss boys. Is this what Taissa and Van feel when they’re together? How could anyone think that was wrong?
And then it’s over. They’re inches apart, Mari’s eyes boring into hers with the fire of a thousand suns. And Shauna remembers who she is again, and what she isn’t.
“I’m not… that,” she says, stepping away. She keeps her eyes to the ground so she doesn’t have to look at Mari.
“I think I am,” Mari says softly. “And I think you are, too.”
“I’m not,” Shauna says firmly, and she feels a sudden stab of guilt at Mari’s brokenhearted expression. “Look, this was fun, Mari. But we’re just drunk, right?”
“Right,” Mari echoes quietly, crossing her arms across her chest.
The drive home takes a long time, since Shauna does her best to drive below the speed limit, afraid of scraping against something and damaging her car. She shouldn’t have had so much to drink. She shouldn’t have gone to the diner. She shouldn’t have gotten so close to Mari.
They don’t speak to each other. Mari slams the car door when Shauna drops her off at her house, and Shauna parks at the side of the road for a long time and stares out of her window at nothing, feeling wrung out and empty.
“Do you have any idea what time it is?” her mom asks, the moment Shauna opens the door. Shauna winces at her voice. She should’ve expected this.
“Sorry,” she says. “I was just out for a drive.”
Her mom narrows her eyes, stepping towards her. “Have you been drinking?”
“I’m really tired,” Shauna says, side stepping her. “I’m just gonna go to bed.”
She starts up the stairs, feeling her mother’s eyes burning holes in the back of her head. Even though she knows she’ll regret it, she stops halfway up the stairs and turns around.
“Sometimes I really worry about you, honey.” She doesn’t look angry, Shauna realizes. She just looks concerned.
“You don’t need to,” Shauna says. “Really. I just had a weird night.” And she hurries up to her attic-room before her mom has a chance to say anything.
The rest of the summer drags by. Jackie comes home bearing suveniers and stories of Jeff kissing her in the middle of the Colosseum. Shauna spots Robin waving at her in the supermarket and pretends not to see her. She doesn’t show up at the field again. She doesn’t think about Mari, except for sometimes when she can’t sleep. She spends all of her time with Jackie, feeling like she’s betrayed her in some way and trying to make it up to her. She goes to one party in a clearing in the woods before school starts again, doesn’t drink, and hides in the trees for most of it before she leaves.
On the first day of school, Shauna settles onto a bench in the cafeteria with Jackie, balancing her tray on her lap. “You think you’re gonna go for captain now that Sophie’s graduated?” Shauna asks.
“I think so, yeah,” Jackie says breezily, pushing her croutons around with her fork without eating them. “Coach said he would consider me last year.”
That’s when Shauna hears a familiar laugh. Mari is walking by with Gen and Melissa, and they all seem to pause simultaneously at the sight of her. Melissa offers her a cautious smile. Gen glares at her. Mari’s face goes carefully, neutrally blank. And then she hurries forward, and her friends follow.
Jackie looks at her curiously. “That was kind of weird. Are you and Mari, like, friends, or…?”
“No,” Shauna answers simply. Jackie, for once, does not push.
It’s halfway through the school year when Shauna sighs up for the tutoring program. She has straight A’s and doesn’t need the credits, but she’s working on her university applications, and she wants something that sets her apart. Something that shows that she thinks about others, too.
At first, she’s mostly paired up with freshmen who don’t understand basic punctuation. It’s mind numblingly boring, but Shauna powers through, gently reminding them where commas are necessary as they pore over their worksheets. Finally, the counsellor tells her that she’s pairing Shauna up with someone closer to her age, a junior girl with half a dozen missing English assignments, and sends her to the library.
Shauna wonders if it’ll be awkward tutoring someone she probably knows, but she’s getting sick of spending her free period with acne-ridden fourteen year olds. Her relief dissipates when she sees who it is that’s waiting for her at the table.
When Shauna was fifteen, she tried Catholicism. Her mother’s side of the family is mostly Jewish, but more culturally than religiously, and she’d wanted something to believe in, some higher power that could guide her through life. Her mom supported her, bought her prayer cards with the saints on them that Shauna was obsessed with. She liked Joan of Arc the best. Soon enough, her interest fizzled out, and she stopped liking the idea of giving herself over to something. But she still believes in God, somewhere deep down inside her. A Jewish God, a Christian God, it doesn’t really matter.
And right now, she’s pretty sure He’s fucking with her.
“I didn’t request you,” Mari says as she sits down.
“I didn’t request you, either,” Shauna replies. Mari has a stack of papers in front of her, and a battered copy of 1984. None of it looks very hard. “Since when do you need tutoring?” she asks. “I thought you got good grades.”
“In math and science,” Mari mumbles. “When I need to, like, give my opinion on stuff, it just gets weird.”
“But you love giving your opinion,” Shauna says flatly.
“Okay, well, this is different,” Mari snaps. She picks a paper from the pile and sets it down between them. “Winston feels watched, even when he’s alone,” she reads aloud. “Have you ever felt pressure to perform for others?” She huffs. “I don’t fucking know how to answer that. That’s so personal.”
Shauna shrugs. “Maybe write about soccer. How it feels to have everyone watching you.”
Mari slumps back in her chair. “But I like having people watch me when I play.”
“You do?” Shauna asks.
“Yeah,” Mari replies. “It’s supposed to be fun.” She narrows her eyes at Shauna. “Why else would you play? Because Jackie wanted you to?”
“I’m supposed to be helping you with this,” Shauna snaps, tapping her nail on the worksheet. “So, let’s get to work.”
It becomes clear pretty quickly that Mari isn’t bad at this- she’s just bored, and when it comes to schoolwork she doesn’t find interesting, her attention span is that of a six-year-old boy with ADHD. Mari takes the lined paper Shauna gets her to brainstorm on and turns them into paper airplanes, and sharpens their pencils until they’re too short to hold.
“Do you like annoying me?” Shauna asks in frustration.
Mari shrugs. “How else am I supposed to get your attention when you’ve been pretending like I don’t exist all year?”
“I’ve just been busy,” Shauna replies. It’s a bad excuse, and they both know it. “After what happened, I just… needed space.”
“You totally ditched me,” Mari says. “You ditched all of us. We didn’t have an even number for teams for the rest of the summer.”
“Okay, well, I have my own friends,” Shauna says, trying not to look at her. “Sorry if I don’t want to hang out with the JV team all the time.”
“You act all nice, but you can be a real bitch,” Mari says. She doesn’t sound too upset about that.
“And you’re the opposite,” Shauna replies. She sets a fresh new piece of paper down in front of Mari. “Write. Or I’m telling the program that you’re a lost cause.”
They meet in the library every other day. Mari chews loudly on spicy chips and gets crumbs on her worksheets, so Shauna goes directly to her English teacher and requests new ones. That seems to make Mari realize that she’s serious about this. When their third meeting rolls around, Mari actually sits quietly and writes. Shauna watches her over her own English work. Mari’s cute when she’s concentrating.
“Let me see it,” Shauna says.
“It’s not done,” Mari responds. Shauna takes it from her anyway.
It’s not bad. Mari’s written about Winston and Julia’s secret affair, the danger and risk, and how breaking the rules makes them feel alive. Shauna’s just beginning to skim the sentence about Mari hiding who she really is to stay popular when Mari snatches it back from her. “It’s just a rough draft,” she says quickly.
“It’s good,” Shauna says, and she means it. “You could do really well in this class if you tried.” And maybe also spent less time spreading rumours that Coach Scott has gonorrhoea.
“You sound like my parents,” Mari groans.
Mari’s been walking around holding hands with some junior guy that Shauna hates for no good reason the moment she lays eyes on him. Every night before bed, she says a prayer that they’ll break up. She hasn’t prayed like this in a while, and she figures God won’t appreciate her wanting to sabotage someone’s relationship, but she doesn’t care. She wants Danny Mears gone.
One morning, Mari is sobbing at the bathroom sink with a group of girls surrounding her, wiping her face and stroking her hair. From what Shauna can gather, Danny has dumped Mari for his own cousin. That wasn’t how she wanted it to go, but a breakup is a breakup, Shauna supposes. She doesn’t bother trying to comfort Mari. It’s impossible to get past the wall of girls around her.
“I’m gonna pair with Van for practice,” Jackie says when Shauna shows up to the field one afternoon. “I want her to teach me that thing she does with her heel. You can pair with someone else, right?”
“Sure, yeah,” Shauna says, dropping her bag and stretching out her arms. She looks around for Taissa or Lottie, but they’re paired together, so there go both of her other options. Natalie’s skipping to go smoke with some older guy, and Laura Lee’s at a dentist appointment. Shauna’s about to suck it up and ask Allie, when Mari appears beside her out of nowhere.
“Looks like someone doesn’t have a partner,” she says. “Or are you pairing with your imaginary friend?”
“Shut up, Mari,” Shauna says, which is an automatic response these days.
“I think you mean ‘I would be honoured to pair with you, Mari, thank you for saving me from that annoying little freshman’,” Mari says.
“She’s not that bad,” Shauna says, looking over at Allie giggling with Akilah, the stand in who always shows up anyway.
“Yeah, whatever,” Mari says. She takes Shauna by the arm, half dragging her onto the field. “Come on, I wanna practice my head-shots.”
“Didn’t you get a concussion from your last head-shot?” Shauna asks, grabbing a ball from the pile.
“No, my brain just shook a little,” Mari replies.
Shauna stares at her. “What do you think a concussion is, exactly?”
The practice is more fun than Shauna thought it would be. It reminds her of their days in the summer where they played for fun. She’s almost disappointed when Coach Martinez tells them that it’s time to scrimmage.
“I turned in most of my missing assignments,” Mari tells her the next day, waiting outside of Shauna’s home room for her. “So, I guess I don’t need your help anymore.”
“Oh,” Shauna says, hoisting her backpack up over her shoulder. “Okay. I guess I’ll see you around.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Mari says. She looks like she wants to say something else, but then she doesn’t. “I’m gonna go catch up with Gen,” she says, and then she’s walking away.
A month later, Mari skips by Shauna’s lunch table with a handful of pink envelopes. “You’re all invited to my birthday party,” she says, handing one out to each of them.
“These are so cute,” Jackie says, and Shauna watches Mari bloom from the praise.
“I’ll come,” Taissa says, reading the invitation.
“Yeah, me too,” Lottie adds, smiling.
Shauna brushes the paper with her thumb, waiting for Jackie to confirm that they’ll both be attending. “I can make it,” Jackie says. “We’ll be there, right, Shauna?”
“Yeah,” Shauna says after a moment. It’ll be fun, she tells herself. And it’ll probably be a big enough party that she and Mari will hardly see each other.
Shauna wants to wear a sweater and her trusty plaid skirt to the party, but somehow she ends up in a clingy purple tank top of Jackie’s that’s far too low cut for her liking, and a pair of dark jeans that fit her sophomore year body much better than her senior year one. She’s in a bad mood by the time she gets in the drivers seat of her car, and Jackie is in a good one, which pisses her off even more.
Shauna tugs the top up. “I think this is too much,” she says.
“Shut up, you look great,” Jackie replies. “Super sexy.”
“I don’t want to look sexy,” Shauna snaps. “It’s just a birthday party.”
Jackie looks at her sceptically. “What is it with you and Mari?” she asks. “Why are you so weirded out over her party? Are you friends or not?”
“We’re friendly,” Shauna decides on.
“Then how come you always look like you’re in fight or flight mode around her?”
“How about you worry about your shit with Jeff and leave me alone?” Shauna snaps, harsher than she intended.
Jackie looks at her for a moment, her big eyes filled with hurt. “Fine,” she says. “Sorry for caring.”
They split up once they get to Mari’s house. Jackie heads straight for Jeff and Randy who are hanging out by the snacks setup in the backyard, and Shauna heads for the kitchen, but runs smack into Britt in the hall.
Britt looks her up and down. “You’re looking cute,” she says.
“Yeah, you too,” Shauna says, tugging once again at her top.
“You kind of disappeared this year,” Britt says. “I didn’t know you and Mari were still friends. And I thought you and Gen hated each other.”
“Me and Gen don’t hate each other,” Shauna says quickly, determined not to start something when she’s only just arrived and ruin Mari’s birthday. “Was she mad at me?”
“I guess so,” Britt replies. “I don’t know, she and Mari didn’t really talk to me about it. But I kind of got the vibe that she was mad at you because you hurt Mari.” Another stab of guilt hits Shauna in the gut, and it feels just like when she told Mari that what they’d done didn’t mean anything. Britt seems to see this on her face. “Everything’s fine,” she says hurriedly. “I mean, it was a while ago, now. You and Mari seem like you’re fine.”
“Yeah,” Shauna says. “We are fine.”
“Great,” Britt replies, smiling. “C’mon, we’re making drinks.”
Mari beams her perfect white smile when she sees them enter the kitchen half filled with girls. She’s already tipsy, Shauna can tell. “You came!” she says to Shauna. “Come on, come sit by me.”
Shauna sits with her by the kitchen island, watching her make Jell-O shots. “How do you like being seventeen?” she asks.
“It feels way cooler than sixteen,” Mari replies. “Guess what my parents got me!” She’s practically vibrating with excitement.
“It’s a-” Van starts from across from them.
“Van!” Mari shrieks, making Robin flinch and nearly drop her drink. “Don’t spoil it!” She grabs Shauna’s hand. “Come on, I’m gonna show you.”
“I’m gonna tell her what it is,” Van says, bounding after them.
“Don’t you dare!” Mari yells over her shoulder.
In the garage is a red Audi Quattro with a huge pink bow wrapped around it. “It’s used,” Mari says, looking like she thinks Shauna is going to judge her for that. “But I like it.”
“It’s really cute,” Shauna says, running her hand over the hood. “Now you can go on that road trip after high school.”
“Yeah,” Mari says. She sounds almost wistful. “Yeah, it’ll be fun.”
Gen comes twenty minutes later with a giant chocolate cake, and everyone crowds around the table to sing Happy Birthday. As the candles are blown out and the cake is cut, Shauna finds herself beside Melissa on the couch. “It’s been a while,” she says, just to say something.
“I guess so,” Melissa replies. “I missed us all hanging out. But I guess senior year is busy.”
“Yeah, there’s so much going on,” Shauna says. “I’ve been really busy with applications.”
“Aren’t you going to Rutgers?” Melissa asks. “I mean, that’s what Jackie’s always saying. That you guys are going to Rutgers together.”
“Oh, yeah,” Shauna says, picking at a loose thread in her jeans. “I mean, I don’t know. My counsellor said I should shoot higher than that.”
“Rutgers is a good school,” Melissa says. “But, I mean, if you can do better, you should do better.”
“It’s not that simple,” Shauna responds. “I don’t wanna leave Jackie.”
“I get that,” Melissa replies. “But, I mean, what about when you guys get married and have your own families?”
The idea of that makes Shauna feel ill. She imagines herself as some man’s wife, living in the suburbs and having his children, and it makes her want to throw up. She’s only had one drink, so she can’t blame it on that. She’s sick to her stomach at the idea of marrying a man, the idea of Jackie marrying a man, the idea of living in a town like this forever and repeating her mother’s life.
“You okay?” Melissa asks, placing a hand on Shauna’s shoulder, and Shauna doesn’t shrug her off. Melissa’s a nice girl, awkward, but nice. Maybe she’s not so complicated. Maybe she can make Shauna feel better.
“Shauna?” They both look up at the sound of Jackie’s voice. She’s draped in Jeff’s coat and drunk. “Come dance with me.”
They sway in the middle of the living room to something by the Spice Girls, too slow to catch up to the rhythm as the other party-goers jump up and down around them. “You’ve been so weird lately,” Jackie criticizes, wrapping her arms around Shauna’s neck, and it’s just like when she danced with Jeff at Homecoming, except this time Shauna’s not watching from the side of the room.
“I don’t mean to be,” Shauna replies. “I just… have a lot on my mind.”
“Okay, well, you can talk to me about it,” Jackie says. “I just wanted to tell you that.”
“Thanks, Jax,” Shauna says quietly. “I just don’t think I’m ready.”
She tries to ignore how hurt Jackie looks, just like she ignored Mari’s hurt. She keeps hurting those she cares about without meaning to. She keeps hurting herself without knowing how she’s doing it.
Hours later, and Shauna’s downed five glasses of Malibu and milk, and two and a half slices of chocolate cake, and she feels pukey and weird in her stomach. Jackie’s sitting with her legs in Jeff’s lap on the porch swing, and she’s standing awkwardly at the side like she does at every party, tugging up her top and wishing she existed with just a little less opacity.
A sharp voice catches her attention through the music blasting. A voice she recognizes, usually teasing but just cold now. Shauna follows Mari’s voice through the hallway like a dog to a bone.
It’s Melissa and Mari she hears through the cracked door that leads to the guest room. “You’re drunk,” Melissa says. “Just lie down, Mari. You shouldn’t have had so much.”
“Don’t you judge me, Mel,” Mari slurs. “At least I… at least I did something about it. You just stand there and stare. It’s pathetic.”
Shauna winces at the harsh words. She knows Mari doesn’t mean what she’s saying, whatever it is they’re arguing about. Mari loves her friends. But their exchange reminds her of her arguments with Jackie, hurting each other without meaning to, but maybe meaning to just a little, just to see if it would change anything.
The door swings open, and Mari steps out. Her hair is tangled around her face from hours of dancing, her face flushed from hours of drinking. She gives Shauna a blazing look, then storms down the hallway. Gen comes out after her. Shauna hadn’t even realized she was in the room. She’s fidgeting with her dress, looking a little sad.
“Are you guys okay?” Shauna asks, unsure who she should be worried about.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Gen says, straightening up. “I think it’s time to put the Malibu away.”
“What are they fighting about?” Shauna asks, lowering her voice.
Gen looks at her like she’s an idiot. “You.”
Mari’s sitting on her bed when Shauna finds her, chin resting on her knees, arms wrapped around her legs. “Are you here to tell me I drank too much?” she asks. “Because I’ve already heard that from, like, all my friends.”
Shauna doesn’t say anything. She just shuts the door behind her, then climbs onto Mari’s bed and kisses her.
“What was that for?” Mari asks.
“I just wanted to,” Shauna admits. “Is that… okay?”
“Fuck yeah, it’s okay,” Mari says, grabbing Shauna’s face and kissing her again.
It starts in Mari’s bedroom, and it spreads all over Wiskayok. Under the bleachers, in their cars, in the locker room when everyone else has left, in the bathroom of the diner. They’re friends when everyone else is watching, but once they’re together, they’re all over each other. Mari’s name fills the pages of Shauna’s journal. In the hours they steal, her chest loosens. She laughs without worrying how it makes her face look.
Mari sleeps over the night before their final game. Shauna’s mom is working late, so they have the house to themselves. They lounge in her bed, listening to music. “If we win tomorrow, we’re going to Nationals,” Mari breathes.
“I don’t think we can win Nationals,” Shauna says. “We’d be up against pros.”
“We won’t win anything with that attitude,” Mari replies. She rolls over on her stomach. “Won’t it be fun to see Seattle? Lottie was saying her dad’ll get us a private plane.”
“I guess that would be fun,” Shauna admits. She can see them winning tomorrow, but not after that. There’s too much tension throughout the team. “Why are you looking at me?” she asks, because she can feel Mari’s gaze on her.
“I like looking at you,” Mari responds simply. “You’re easy on the eyes.”
Shauna snorts. “You think you’re so smooth, don’t you?”
Mari grins. “Hell yeah, I am. I got you, didn’t I?”
Shauna still hates the idea of having a boyfriend, even more now that Jackie is always pushing it on her. But she knows now, that it isn’t the idea of being had by someone that she hates. Still, it’s not like she and Mari have a real relationship, not when they have to sneak around, not when they wouldn’t be allowed to go to prom together. And Shauna’s never been interested in prom, but she would really like to take Mari.
Mari gets on top of her on the bed, and these kisses are different than the others. Deeper, slower. Shauna can feel their hearts pounding. She wants to be closer to Mari than she ever has been. She wants to know every detail about her. And she doesn’t want to waste any more time.