Chapter Text
“No.”
The smile on Fourth’s face vanished as quickly as that word was spoken. He looked at the person standing in front of him, the one who had just said it, eyes cast down to the floor. Their hands were clasped together, and Fourth immediately wanted to pull his away, but the other only held on tighter.
When their eyes finally met, Fourth read it before he even heard it, the words forming silently on Gemini’s lips
“I’m sorry, Fourth. I can’t.”
It was only then that Fourth heard the gasps, the murmurs, the shocked whispers of the people around them.
“Gem… what are you talking about?”
“I… we can’t get married. I’m sorry.”
Then Gemini began to step back, and soon all Fourth could see was fog. He vaguely recognized the voice of his mother in-law —no, Gemini’s mother—calling after her son, but he saw nothing. Everything was a blur. And why on earth was it raining inside the church?
Oh. It wasn’t rain. He was crying. Of course. What else could it be?
Was he dreaming? Would he wake up tomorrow and find that everything was fine—that he was married to Gemini and they were already on their way to their honeymoon? And… and—
Fourth felt his head spinning. He heard voices calling his name, felt someone catching him, but nothing was clear. Somewhere in the distance he thought he heard his mother and his sister, but he couldn’t be sure. He should have eaten last night, or at least this morning. He had been too nervous to take even a bite, but now, as the dizziness overtook him, regret was all he had left.
Yes, he really should have accepted the breakfast Gem had offered him this morning.
That was his last thought before darkness swallowed him whole.
◇◇◇◇
When Fourth opened his eyes, he recognized his room. He didn’t know how long he had been out, but he immediately noticed the IV in his arm. He tried to sit up, but his head spun, so he let it fall back onto the pillow, letting out a groan.
“Phi, you’re awake,” he heard his sister say before she even came into his vision. But he didn’t answer, just looked at her. He didn’t feel like talking. He didn’t even know if he could talk—words seemed so foreign.
“Oh my God, you scared me so much,” she exclaimed as she threw herself onto him, making Fourth wince under her weight. She quickly apologized and turned to call their mother, but Fourth stopped her, shaking his head. He couldn’t face his mother now—not after all those constant reminders:
“I know you love each other a lot, but you’re young.”
“Think carefully, son. Are you sure you want to get married? You’re only 21.”
His mother had never been in favor of them marrying so quickly. She always said they were too young and should really think it over before making such a decision—or at least wait until they graduated. But they had been too stubborn. Fourth had been too stubborn to listen. He remembered Gemini, one night, asking him if he was sure, if maybe they should listen to his mother. But Fourth had brushed it off, saying his mother was just worrying for nothing because he was about to leave home.
But he should have listened to his mother. If only he had listened to her. Tears came back to him, and before he knew it, he was crying. His sister rushed to his side, trying to calm him, promising not to call their mother.
“Why did he do that?” Fourth asked no one in particular. He knew there would be no answer. The only person who should have given him one was Gemini himself—but the coward had run away.
Why the hell had he waited until the wedding day? Couldn’t he have broken it off before? Did he only realize, standing at the altar, that he didn’t want to marry him?
“Phi, please…” his sister whispered, brushing the damp strands of hair from his forehead. “you need to eat something, just a little” She held a spoonful of plain congee toward him, he turned his face away, lips pressed tightly together. The sight of the food made his stomach twist. The thought of swallowing anything felt impossible when every inch of him was drowning. He just shook his head with a silent no.
“Please, Fourth,” she tried again “You’ll make yourself sicker.”
The soft click of the door opening make Fourth’s body tensed, he didn’t want her here, didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes.
“Fourth.”
That single word undid him. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to hold himself together, but it didn’t work. A sob tore from his throat as he clutched at the sheets, curling in on himself like a child.
His mother’s hand came to rest on his back “Oh, my boy,” she whispered, her own voice thick with emotion. “My poor stubborn boy.”
“He left me,” Fourth choked out, the words muffled by the pillow. “He just… left. Mae, in front of everyone.” The humiliation burned as hurtful as the heartbreak “Why? Why would he do that?”
“Shhh,” she soothed, rocking him gently as if he were a small child again. “It has nothing to do with you. You are everything, Fourth. Everything”
He turned around clutching on his mother “I’m sorry, Mom…” The words tumbled out “You were right… you were right all along. I should’ve listened. I should’ve—” His breath hitched violently, his chest heaving as though he couldn’t find enough air.
“Shh baby. You’ve done nothing wrong. Nothing.”
She held him while he cried until he had no tears left, until he was limp and exhausted in her arms. “The pain is unbearable now,” she murmured, stroking his hair. “I know. But you will survive this. And I am here. I am right here, your sister and I will always be here.”
He vaguely remember her sister joining them but he was too weak to do or say anything.
♤♤♤♤
The days passed, and Fourth wasn’t getting better. Everything was a blur in his life. He ate without ever enjoying the food, he slept but never truly rested. His nights were filled with horrible thoughts, and he knew that if it weren’t for his mother and sister always being there, he would have thought of the worst.
Who was he trying to lie to? He had thought of the worst, many times, especially when he found himself alone at night in that room where he had spent so many days with Gem, the room where they had grown up together.
They had known each other forever, grown up in the same neighborhood, gone to the same school, enrolled in the same uni and had been dating for three years. Some would say it was nothing more than young love, but for Fourth, it was not. Gemini was everything—his best friend, the first love of his life, and surely the last. Fourth knew he could never love anyone the way he loved Gemini. The very idea was inconceivable.
Maybe he should have avoided crossing that line. They could have remained friends; everything would be so good between them if they were just friends. And Fourth wouldn’t have had to lose him. It was probably his fault, when he thought about it. He had pushed this relationship on Gemini, and now he was paying the price.
His friends often came by, but after being turned away so many times, they eventually reduced their visits, and soon those so-called friends stopped coming altogether. The texts and calls also stopped. The only one who still insisted was Mark, who would come over and talk nonsense even when Fourth didn’t respond. And in a way, Fourth was grateful because it still felt good that one person hadn’t abandoned him. Not like Gemini had.
He got up and, against all odds, dragged his feet out of the room. He was extremely thirsty and had no more water left in his room. He walked down the hall, and just as he was about to turn into the kitchen, he heard Mark’s voice.
“I heard they moved to the States” Mark said. Even without specifying who he was talking about, Fourth already had a sinking feeling.
“I can’t believe that after his stupid stunt, he just leaves like that” Front said heatedly. “He broke my brother’s heart, and now he’s just going to peacefully continue his studies in America. It’s just not fair”
Despite the pang in his heart, he couldn’t help but feel a flicker of pride. He remembered that studying abroad had always been one of Gemini’s biggest dreams. Fourth had even promised to follow him because he was convinced Gemini would secure a spot. But he had one more year before he could start the process.
Had Gemini already applied to that school? Was that the real reason he had said no?
And against all odds, Fourth didn’t return to university. He was too low to focus or continue anything. He was at his breaking point. He would never have imagined that losing Gemini could cause him so much damage. He wasn’t proud of it, honestly—he could see how much his family suffered seeing him like this. And even though his mother insisted that he see a therapist, Fourth kept delaying the inevitable.
He needed help, he knew that very well, but that didn’t mean he was ready to receive it. At least, that’s what he told himself. Until that day.
Fourth was alone at home. After going to the bathroom and seeing the state he was in, he decided to take care of his hygiene, which he did. After that, he went into the kitchen and tried to make himself something to eat. He knew his mother had surely left something ready for him, but he wanted to occupy his mind, and what better way than cooking?
He put a pot of water on the stove and started chopping carrots, turnips, and zucchini. He felt like having vegetable soup—something Gemini would have hated. He despised vegetables, even though he made an effort to eat them because Fourth insisted.
Once again, his thoughts drifted to Gemini, and all he could ask was, Why? Why? Why?
Why had Gemini done this to him? Didn’t he at least deserve an explanation?
As his thoughts spun endlessly, he only realized very late that he had cut his finger. A small sting made him hiss, but the cut was minor. He held the knife, his gaze shifted from the blade to his bleeding finger, and something stupid flashed through his mind.
Dying would be such a simple way to stop thinking, to stop feeling the pain, to no longer have to suffer and wonder where he went wrong.
And without realizing it, the blade was already pressing along his wrist. He snapped out of it at the last minute when he heard the sound of a car pulling into the driveway. His mother and sister were home.
He came out of his stupor, dropped the knife, and rushed to the bathroom to clean his cut. He wiped the blood from his wrist and bandaged it. Then he placed a plaster on his finger before carefully pulling down his sleeves. When he entered the kitchen, his sister was already rushing to turn off the boiling pot.
“Phi, what were you doing?” she asked, half enthusiastic and half suspicious.
“I just wanted to make myself some soup” he retorted, which brought a faint smile to her face. It had been so long since he had seen her smile.
Their mother, who had just entered with a large grocery bag, set it on the counter and turned to her son. “You could have waited for us.”
“No, Mom, I wanted to cook. I only stepped away to put a bandage on my finger.”
He showed them his finger, and his mother and Front immediately looked worried. Fourth shook his head with a faint smile. “It’s nothing, just a small cut. How about we keep cooking?”
The two women smiled tenderly, and together, all three of them cooked. They even made a bit too much, but Fourth knew it was because his family wanted to keep spending time with him.
That night during dinner, Fourth made the decision to see a therapist. He owed it to his family, but also to himself. He had to be strong so he could take care of them.