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A part of him was grateful that for once the body he was staring at, pinned under the concrete and rising water, wasn’t someone on his team. He was still worried they wouldn’t be able to free her and wanted to do everything possible to save her, but he was tired of seeing the people he loved in danger.
The deep panic engrained in his bones over Hen and Athena was enough. Buck couldn’t afford anymore.
So he focused. He did his best as a firefighter to help save the girl, Lori, to make sure she returned in one piece to her husband. They deserved the time, they deserved the second chance. They deserved peace.
Ravi fiddled with the hydraulic ram, getting it in position to push the concrete that had pinned her leg off. Eddie stood close by, getting ready to pull her out once he was able. Buck did his best to focus, to stay in the moment, though every time he looked at Lori's leg, the pain painting her face, his own leg ached in sympathy.
He wasn’t there, though. Buck wasn’t stuck under a ladder truck. There was no soothing voice of Bobby, echoing across the chaos. There were just the four of them, and a woman who needed their help.
“Okay,” Ravi mumbles to himself, turning to look at Eddie behind him, “Eddie, you ready?”
“Yeah,” Eddie responds, tightening his arms around Lori, “go ahead.”
Ravi clicks the ram on and Buck watches as it slowly pushes the pillar up, eyeing the ceiling warily as it creaks and groans with every movement. His stomach tightened as he watched it finally get high enough to free Lori, a small margin just enough for Eddie to pull her clean out.
There is a swirl of movement once her body is no longer under immediate threat, Chim and Eddie rushing to move her onto a backboard and secure her. Buck stands off to the side still, feeling useless but relieved. It’s okay. She’s okay. Everyone is okay.
“Let’s go,” Chimney says to Eddie. They carefully start to manoeuvre their way through the carnage. “Get the ram and meet us back up top, okay?” Buck knows Chimney means for it to come out stronger, more like a genuine order, but it’s shaky.
“Got it, Cap,” he responds, giving him a quick nod.
Eddie and Chimney disappear from the train, the sound of their boots echoing behind them. Buck turns his focus back to Ravi, who is carefully resetting the ram. Buck stands by, just in case, as the concrete touches back down and Ravi pulls the ram out completely. He lets out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding.
It was okay. Ravi did good.
“Okay Rav, let’s go,” Buck says, slapping him on the back lightly before turning to leave. He walks ahead, focusing on stepping carefully over all the debris. He doesn’t think to make sure that Ravi is following him, he just trusts he is.
The top of the train creaks again, loud and threatening. Some gravel rains down, clanking lightly on his helmet as it clatters to the ground.
“Rav,” Buck turns to say, his voice laced with worry. “Let’s pick up the pace.”
Ravi looks up at him, his leg mid-motion getting ready to step out from behind the concrete pillar. He opens his mouth to say something to Buck, but he doesn’t get the chance to. The top of the train groans one last time before it comes crashing down.
Buck is knocked off his feet, flung back from the sheer force of all the debris tumbling down around him. His head smacks hard against the ground, rattling around in his helmet. Dust fills his vision, crawls up down his throat and nose. It chokes him.
For a second, the world is silent.
Complete and utter silence.
Then, a cry. Loud and laced with pain. It burns into Buck’s brain. It promises to follow him for the rest of his life.
Buck shoots up from the ground, ignoring every ache and pain radiating throughout his bones. None of it matters to him. None of it’s important.
His eyes slowly adjust to the dust still surrounding him. The train was transformed. Concrete surrounding the whole place, the ceiling having caved in entirely. A pipe burst, water pouring down at an alarming speed.
And there was no sign of Ravi.
“Ravi!” The scream rips out his throat. He staggers forward towards the last place he saw him standing. “Ravi!” He screams again, desperation and worry flooding through him.
Nothing.
Buck didn’t know what to do. Briefly, he froze. He was helpless. He was the man outside again, staring at an impossible situation.
Piles and piles of concrete. He had no tools. USAR was still backed up, there was no hope of that. All he had was himself. Until Eddie and Chim came back, it was just him.
He looked again, hoping for some sort of plan to pop into his brain. Maybe Ravi would stick his head up from out of nowhere, laugh, and say he’s okay. Maybe Buck wouldn’t have to watch again as another person in his life walked away.
No sign of life. A team member, injured. Family injured. Ravi. Ravi was buried under piles of concrete. And Buck was useless.
“Ravi!” He screams again, tears threatening to break free, his voice thick.
The water continued to pour into the room. It flooded around his feet. Somewhere, in the back of his head, a voice reminded him that if Ravi were on the ground, if he were really crushed, the water could flood over his face. It could drown him.
But Buck’s brain, it stopped. Floated. He pushed through the filling water, pushed to get closer to where Ravi must be, but he wasn’t here. He wasn’t on the train anymore.
Buck was wandering the streets, losing blood at a concerning rate, praying to any god that would listen to deliver Chris back to him safely. Pain shoots through his leg, he almost can feel the dehydration, the confusion, from that day settling into him.
He shakes his head, trying to pull himself out of it. He tries desperately to remind himself where he is, what he’s doing. Who he is saving. But he’s being pulled in a million directions, the ghost of his past clawing at him, filling his brain.
He’s Buck and he’s just been crushed by a ladder truck. Buck, and he’s been swallowed whole by a tsunami, had one of the most important people in his life ripped from his hands. Buck, and he’s on the other side of the glass watching Bobby fade further and further away.
Buck, and he’s completely lost Ravi.
It was like a part of his soul was created to lose. When he was born, it was ingrained in him, a promise that his entire life would be loss. It would be a life full of people walking in, only to slip through his hands like water.
No, his mind screamed at him. Ravi was not going to be one of those people. He was good. He was kind. He’d been through enough. Ravi would not be lost to this, he would not be another person Buck had to live with only the memory of.
It takes a few more panic glances around the room, his breath growing increasingly heavier and quicker, before he remembers himself. He grabs his walkie, clicking it on.
“Cap. Eddie. It’s Ravi,” his voice breaks, “The whole… the whole place came down. Ravi’s trapped.”
He takes in the carnage around him.
“Bring everything you’ve got,” his voice is shaky, “just… just bring everything. Please.”
He doesn’t stand around and wait for a response, he knows they’ll be on their way soon. He prays that they’ll be here soon. Buck continues to push through the water, ignoring the tricks his brain tries to play on him. He is in a broken train, searching for Ravi. He repeats this over and over in his brain.
“Ravi!” He tries again, hoping that maybe he’ll get a response this time. He waits and listens. Nothing.
“Okay, okay,” he breathes, wiping a hand over his face, “fucking think, Buckley.”
He needs to… god he doesn’t know. He needs to get Ravi out of there. He needs his family to be okay. He needs and needs and needs.
His feet carry him without thinking towards the collapsed concrete. Maybe the ram made it through, maybe he could use it to start lifting some of this up. His head is on a swivel as he approaches, looking for any sign of it. It’s too dark in here, though, and he can’t make anything out.
Chimney and Eddie were taking too long. Or maybe they were right on time. Time was moving weirdly, slowly. Buck felt like he was encased in honey, his brain processing everything happening at half-speed.
That hopeless feeling crawls in again. It taunts him. Not good enough to save your brother. Not good enough to save Bobby. You’ll fail at this, too..
The last time he felt like this, so disoriented and unsure of his next move, he was standing in the middle of a burning building, ready to give up and let the flames eat him whole. And he would’ve, if it weren’t for his team.
Fuck, he needed his team.
Buck starts climbing further over the debris, peaking through holes in the concrete as he goes, praying for any sign of Ravi. All he sees is water. Each time, floods of water reflect his panicked face back at him.
He doesn’t stop, though. His whole body is shaking, a level of panic that will only settle once he can lay eyes on Ravi, make sure that he’s okay. So he climbs and climbs, stopping and checking, and climbing some more. He crawls all along the area, ignoring the pain radiating through his body.
Buck ducks his head in again, peeking through a sliver of concrete. His heart stops. He sees him. Ravi, eyes closed, water dancing around the edges of his body, a red hue shimmering around him. Half his body is hidden by a slab of concrete, pinning him to the spot. He’s completely still.
“Ravi,” he calls, “Rav, open your eyes for me.”
Somewhere, he hears rubble shifting. The sound of water roars in his ears. Ravi keeps his eyes closed. Buck tries to stretch a hand through the opening, to reach his still body, but he can’t.
“We’re going to get you out of here, I promise,” Buck says, “We’re going to…”
His words echo empty. They mean nothing if he can’t even reach him. Frustrated, Buck starts pushing at the concrete blocking him from reaching Ravi. He pushes his whole body into it, uses every last bit of strength left in his body.
His hand slips and he feels the sharp ends of the stone slice through his skin. Buck pays it no mind, ignores the blood staining the surface. He just keeps pushing. His muscles burn. A scream rips out of him that the water instantly swallows whole.
Buck is no closer to Ravi than he was before. If anything, he feels further away. He’s slipping. He turns his head around to yell in the direction Eddie and Chimney disappeared in before.
“Help!” He screams, placing as much strength behind the words as he can, “somebody, anybody, come on please.”
Tears blur his vision and he feels his body go slack. All he could do now was stare down at Ravi, hope the water doesn't steal him away, hope he’ll hold on for just a minute longer. At the end of the day, Buck was nothing more than a guy with limited resources and a heavy soul. A tired soul.
“Please,” he begs to Ravi’s still body, “please Rav.”
The world settles around him.
“Buck!” Eddie’s voice screams from somewhere down the train.
Buck shoots up immediately, the panic seizing him again.
“Over here!” His voice is broken, “I found him. Please, I can’t reach him. I can’t get to him.” His words are a flurry of desperate repeats, scattered thoughts urging them to hurry. He is everywhere, bits of him thrown throughout time. Buck is losing and losing and losing.
Eddie and Chimney appear in front of him, lugging all different kinds of equipment. The dust swirls around them, almost engulfing them. He sees their eyes widen as they take in what remains of the train station. Eddie zeros in on Buck after a second, rushing over to this side.
“Buck, where’s Ravi? What’s going on?” His tone is level, calm. It soothes a part of Buck.
“He’s down there,” Buck points a shaky finger through the opening, “Eddie, I can’t get to him. I can’t… he isn’t moving, Eddie. Ravi isn’t… he isn’t…”
“Hey, Buck,” Eddie places both of his hands on either side of Buck’s face, forcing him to look at him, “breathe. We’re going to get him. He’s going to be okay.”
Buck nods, something small and unsure. Eddie nods back, before pulling away to peer into where Buck had rapidly pointed. He calls Ravi’s name a few times, and Buck waits each time thinking this will be the moment they get a response. Nothing.
“Cap, water’s filling up quick and there's no response. We got to start moving this stuff,” Eddie calls over his shoulder.
“Alright, Buck and Eddie let’s go,” Chimney orders, sifting through the equipment they brought down.
Buck grabs one of the crow bars they brought down, immediately shoving it under a slab of concrete and pushing as hard as he can. Eddie and Chimney aren’t far behind him. They work in relative silence, the weight of what waited for them under these stones hanging heavy in the air.
Bobby was gone. Hen was somewhere unreachable. She was spinning out in the middle of space and no one could contact her. And Ravi… Buck tried his best not to think about the fact that they could be prying all this away just to reach a person who has already left.
No movement didn’t mean he was gone. He couldn’t be gone.
They weren’t losing another person. They couldn’t.
Slowly, they made enough space that they could reach him. That final slide of concrete was one of the best things Buck had ever seen happen. He dived through the opening immediately, feet splashing loud in the water that had collected in the pocket, his eyes locked on Ravi.
He reached out a hand once he was close enough, placing his fingers on Ravi’s pulse point and waiting. There, under his bloody fingers, he could feel it. It wasn’t steady, nowhere near perfect, but there was a pulse. Ravi had a pulse. He was alive. He was alive.
Buck felt almost winded with the knowledge. They weren’t losing another person.
“He’s alive,” he whispers. “He’s got a pulse. He’s alive. He’s okay.” It feels like a mantra to him, something to snap him out of this state he’d fallen into the second the ceiling came down. He just keeps saying it, over and over.
Eddie bends over Ravi, checking his pulse for himself and digging through his medkit as he takes stock of the rest of Ravi’s state. His eyes are still closed, but he has a pulse. That’s what matters.
“Pulse, but it’s weak,” Eddie confirms.
Buck nods, letting a breath out. He had his team. They’ve been in this position before. He remembers. There was a time where his team was scattered all around, and it was just him and Ravi. They survived that. Time to return the favor.
He straightens up, his head clearing a bit. “Let’s move this off of him before the water gets too high,” he calls to Eddie and Chimney.
It’s easier said than done. The piece that’s laying on top of him is large, too large. The number of injuries it could be causing, not to mention what could happen just from the prolonged time it's been laying on top of him.
The three of them may not be enough. He hopes they are enough.
Buck grabs the new hydraulic ram that Chimney brought with him, waiting for Eddie to lift up the concrete a bit so he could wedge it underneath and turn it on. It’s not enough to lift it entirely, but it’ll give them enough leverage to flip it. He grabs one of the bars they were using before, signaling for Eddie and Chimney to do the same. They stick it under and push.
“Come on,” Buck grunts, using all his strength to lift.
Using that leverage, they all work to flip it up and off Ravi without causing anymore damage. The piece slams loud on the ground, splashing water and dust into the air. The room is filled with just the sounds of them breathing heavily for a moment. Buck only allows himself this one second, though, before he kicks back into action.
“Eddie, grab your bag,” Buck says, moving carefully toward Ravi’s body. He does a visual once over, careful not to touch him or jostle him. They would need a C-collar first, just in case the crash did any damage to his neck or spine.
Chimney seems to have read his mind because before he could call out for one, Chim is by his side carefully slipping it around Ravi’s neck. Eddie squats down on the other side of Ravi, making quick work of taking his blood pressure and pulse ox. Chimney scans the body carefully for any other major injuries.
“Leg might be broken,” he whispers to himself, before turning to him and Eddie, “we’re going to need to splint it before we move him. I’m worried about internal injuries from the concrete, so let’s make this quick. Anything else you guys see?”
“Blood pressures low, nothing concerning yet,” Eddie says before leaning forward to carefully lift Ravi’s eyelids, flashing a light in them. “Pupils are equal and responsive.”
“Alright,” Chim nods, “Eddie, grab the backboard. Buck, help me lift him.”
Eddie quickly moves to grab where they threw the backboard when they came in. Buck works to make some space on a piece of concrete next to Ravi to lie it on. The floor was too flooded to even attempt moving him there.
In the midst of all this flurry, Buck almost missed it. The small flutter of eyelashes, a sharper intake of breath, one that came with an all too sudden awareness of pain. Buck whips his head back to Ravi so quickly he hears his neck crack.
Staring back at him is a very awake, very alive Ravi. Buck almost wants to cheer, scream, pull him into the biggest hug of his life. He does none of this, considering it would probably be inappropriate since he’s in so much pain, but god does he want to.
“Hey Rav, welcome back,” is what Buck lands on. He sounds relieved, doesn’t even try to pretend that he didn’t have a complete freakout.
“Gave us a scare there, Panikkar,” Chimney laughs, though it sounds tired.
Ravi just nods, looking a little confused, but still giving them a weak smile. “What happened?” His eyes are still half closed, flicking around the room slowly.
“We’ll explain it in a second, yeah?” Eddie says, “got to get you out of this water first.”
Ravi remains quiet as Buck and Chimney carefully lift him and secure him to the backboard. The walk out of the train station and back upstairs is quick, and Ravi thankfully remains awake the entire time. Buck’s eyes rarely leave him, scanning and making sure his chest continues to rise and fall.
Once back outside, Chimney starts calling out for a gurney. One makes its way quickly to them from another medic standing by and they rush towards the hospital across the street. They cross the glass, that invisible line that you aren’t supposed to touch but they all started ignoring years ago. They rush past it headfirst, with Ravi in between them.
Eddie calls out his vitals to someone in the emergency room, explains what happened as quickly as he can, and hands Ravi off. Buck watches him go, though every part of him screams to follow, to not take his eyes off of him, to make sure the doctors do their job right and keep Ravi alive.
“Buck,” Eddie calls softly. Buck looks over at him, though he feels like he’s staring through him. “Buck, you’re bleeding,” Eddie says, grabbing Buck’s shaking hand and examining it.
“It’s fine,” Buck says, “just a cut.”
Eddie frowns at him, his nose scrunching as he studies Buck. “You were down there when it collapsed, too. Let me check you over, okay?”
Buck nods and lets himself be pulled into a nearby chair. Eddie crouches down in front of him, doing the same work-up he did to Ravi. He takes Buck’s blood pressure, he checks his pupils for any sign of concussion. He’s quiet, gentle.
He digs through his medic bag, pulling out some antiseptic wipes and bandages. Eddie lightly holds Buck’s injured hand, cleaning the cut with the wipes. It stings, but Buck barely notices it.
“You doing okay?” Eddie asks, still staring at his hand.
Buck takes in a stuttering breath. “I’m fine. He’s alive.” It’s a lie. He still feels sick, off-kilter, the feeling of having almost lost another person rattling through his bones.
Eddie looks up at him, eyes soft. “Buck. Are you okay?”
He stares at him, tries to bury the truth down. He’s been doing it for months, since Bobby died, now should be no different. But with the way Eddie is looking at him, the lingering care seeping into his body, he can’t.
“No,” it’s like Eddie pulls it out of him, “no, I’m not.” He takes a deep breath, and Eddie waits. “I just… we can’t lose another person, Eddie. It’s… I’m not… we can’t lose anyone else. Not after everything. And I really thought we were about to lose him, you know.” The flood gates have opened, and tears started to pour down Buck’s face at a concerning speed. “It’s Ravi. He’s good and he’s been through enough these past few months and I just couldn’t watch another person die, Eddie. I can’t do it.”
Eddie doesn’t waste a second, leaning forward and hauling Buck into a bone crushing hug. One hand comes up to grip the back of his neck, his fingers lightly moving against his hair. The other wraps around his body, pulling him tight.
“He’s alive, Buck,” Eddie whispers into his hair, “he’s not going anywhere. None of us are. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay. I’ve got you.”
Buck doesn’t say anything. He just lets himself be held a little longer.
–
Buck’s leg is bouncing up and down while he watches Ravi closely. They had brought him into surgery almost immediately after they brought him in. He had some internal bleeding from the trauma of the blow against his stomach. Buck offered (though begged is probably the better word) to stay while Eddie, Chimney, and Harry went back to the station.
Now, he’s sitting in an uncomfortable chair by Ravi’s bedside, waiting for him to wake up.
He wondered if there was anyone he should be calling. Ravi’s parents? Did he have siblings that were close by? Who did Ravi have outside of the 118 that would wonder where he’d gone?
When he woke up, Buck was going to make a point to learn it all. He wanted to know who Ravi was outside of this job, this heavy world. He wanted to know his friend. They were being granted the time for that. Even if it drove Ravi insane, Buck was going to make sure he knew him.
The steady beeping of the machines lulled Buck as he waited. God, he was tired of hospitals.
“What happened?” Ravi’s voice breaks through his spiral.
Buck immediately shoots out of his chair, rushing to grab the water the nurses left on the side and pour some for Ravi. He holds the cup while Ravi eyes him warily, drinking from the straw slowly. Buck places it back down and goes back to sit.
“The uh… the ceiling collapsed. You got stuck, but we…. we got you out. You’re okay.” Buck wishes he sounded less like he was still reminding himself of this.
Ravi takes a second, just staring at the ceiling. He takes a deep breath in and Buck notices the small wince of pain that flashes across his face. “Thank you,” he looks over at Buck, “for getting me out.”
Buck nods, tears filling his eyes. “It’s what we do.”
Ravi shrugs. “Still, what we do or not. Thank you.”
Buck doesn’t respond to that, his throat feels too choked to speak. Ravi was alive, he was okay. He was up and talking to Buck. Their team didn’t shrink again, didn’t fracture out further.
“Draw the short straw or something?” Ravi breaks the silence, still looking a little out of it.
Buck laughs a little at that, “Chimney and Eddie had to get back to the station. World still ending and all. I wanted to stay, ya know. Make sure you’re okay.”
Ravi studies him, brows furrowing a bit. His eyes move down to the bandage, “You get hurt, too?”
Buck looks down at his hand, the bandages clean and perfect, “nothing too bad, don’t worry about it.”
Ravi just settles back in, either accepting Buck’s answer or not wanting to push him on it. Buck doesn’t speak right away, yet. He just lets the silence exist, lets his brain accept that Ravi survived, that he is whole and real. Flesh and blood, breathing in front of him.
He’s got more time. They’ve all got just a little more time.
“You’re too quiet, Buck, it’s scaring me,” Ravi laughs quietly, a cough cutting it off at the end, “what? Waiting to talk my ear off until after the stitches close or something?”
Buck laughs at that, hard. The tears break through and he quickly becomes a mess of tears and maniacal laughter. The stress of the day is probably catching up with him, the pain and exhaustion settling in. Ravi is alive, cracking jokes, and making fun of Buck. He’s going to be okay. They are all going to be okay.
“I can try and think of something if you need,” Buck laughs, “I ended up watching that whale documentary Eddie and Hen saw, you know just in case Eddie wanted to talk about it. Not that he would need to, but just in case.”
“There he is,” Ravi smiles, “go on, I’m dying to see how many times you can connect something about a whale to Eddie.”
Buck rolls his eyes, the tears subsiding slightly, “I may annoy the shit out of you,” he laughs out, “but you’re not getting away from all of us that easily.”
Ravi’s smile is easy, peaceful. He looks… young. Buck is struck dumb for a second by how young Ravi really is, how much time he truly has left. “I think I’d like to stick around a little longer, if that’s okay.”
“Yeah, Rav. That’s okay.”