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“So you basically just want me to stab you,” Vin said.
“Vin! No, I don’t want you to basically just stab me,” Shallan said. “I want you to do my estrogen injections, which is literally not the same thing at all.”
She shrugged. “Either way, you’re putting a sharp piece of metal into—”
“Vin, can you stop? I’m afraid of needles!”
“Oh yeah,” she said.
“I wouldn’t be asking you to help me otherwise!”
“Well,” Vin said. “No need to be rude.”
“Just … a bit of understanding and compassion would be nice,” Shallan said. “I’m really sorry for asking you, but I can’t find anyone else. Jasnah’s on the other side of the world, my family is … you know, and everyone else I know seems to have their phones on silent.”
Except for her roommates, but there was no use in going to Kal at times like these.
“Right,” Vin said. “So, I need to stab you in the thigh?”
“Next time, I’m getting someone else round.”
It’s kinda a shame she’s so blunt, Veil said. You know her boyfriend? Well, I bet he’d be happier if—
We are not forcefemming our friends, Radiant said. How many times do I have to tell you this?
It worked on—
Just be quiet.
Vin shrugged. “Fine by me.”
Shallan rolled up her skirt and closed her eyes. Don’t look, that was the doctor’s advice. Just don’t look and pretend … pretend it isn’t happening…
There was a knock on the door. Vin jumped, shooting all the way to the other side of the room.
“Holy shit, Vin!” Shallan said.
“So can I come in?” Kal said from the other side of the door.
“I guess,” Shallan said.
Which immediately led to seven feet of Kal Stormblessed rushing in.
“Why are they so tall?” Vin said. “What do you even need seven feet for?”
“Walking,” Shallan answered. “I can never keep up.”
Kal sighed. “Do you need a hand there?” she said, gesturing at Vin and the forgotten needle.
“What would you know about injections?” Shallan said, then remembered Kal was a med student. “Um, I mean—”
“I’ve helped a few friends in my time,” they shrugged. “And besides, I think I’d be more help than…”
“Vin,” Vin said. “Just Vin.”
“Than Vin,” Kal said. “Would you like a hand?”
Oh my fucking God, Veil said.
“Er,” Shallan said, certain that her face was as red as her jacket. “Erm.”
“Just get on with it,” Vin said, shoving the needle into Kal’s hand.
They sighed, and set about preparing the injection. Shallan closed her eyes, focusing solely on the feel of Kal’s warm hand and how nice it would be to pull their hair out her eyes and—
“Done,” Kal said.
“Wait, done?” Shallan said.
“Yes,” Kal said, exasperated. “How long have you been on E, Shallan?”
“Uh, about three years now?”
“And you’ve never learnt to do it on your own.”
“Well, Radiant does it for me sometimes, but she’s not here today. Anyway, I have a phobia of needles.”
“Why not switch to a different form of estrogen?”
“But not that bad a phobia of needles,” Shallan continued. “Like, the injection doesn’t bother me, it’s just the buildup. So I get someone else to do it, or I get Radiant to front for it. It’s worked for the last three years, and now that you’re here—”
Kal looked at her flatly. “I’m not doing your injections for the rest of your life, Shallan. Have you seen the amount of work I have to do? I think it’s probably time you learnt to do them yourself.”
“But—”
“I can help you with the first few, and you can work through your anxiety. And after that, we will never speak of this again.”
“But Kal,” she said, “you’re so wonderful and smart and pretty and—”
“And busy,” she said. “Look, you’re lovely, and I like you.” Which was really saying something. “But I’m not going to coddle you, okay?”
Shallan pouted. “Okay.”
“Though there is one thing you definitely need teaching.”
“And that is?”
“Your kissing technique is terrible. I saw you with Adolin the other day. It was painful to watch.”
“I—wait, you saw?”
“You left the bathroom door open,” Kal said flatly. “Next time, at the very least close it.”
“So, um, how would you suggest, uh, improving my kissing technique?”
“Well,” Kal said.
“Well, what?”
“I could,” she said.
Shallan grinned. “Could what?”
“Could, uh.”
“Can I leave?” Vin said, grimacing. “This is horrible.”
“Yeah,” Kal said, looking relieved to no longer be to talking to or about Shallan. “That way.”
Vin darted out, faster than Shallan had believed possible.
“How does she even do that?” Shallan said. “It’s like she’s a cat.”
“I don’t know,” they said faintly.
“You were talking about kissing technique,” Shallan said. “In case you’d forgotten.”
“Kissing … right. So it’s when you put your mouth on someone else’s, and then—”
“But how,” Shallan said, well aware she was making a fool of herself, “do you actually do it?”
She lay back on her bed, smiling sweetly up at Kal. Her hair fell down to her back, and when she moved, so did her chest. Tits. She had tits. Even after all these years, sometimes it still felt too good to be true. She was a girl, she was soft in all the right places and she could actually smile when she looked in the mirror, she was herself and always would be. And despite all she had gone through, her garbage mental health, two dead parents and countless therapists, despite all that she was alive.
And Kal, bless them, appeared to be broken.
“So,” she said. “Uh.”
“Words might be a start,” she said.
“Yeah,” Kal said, swallowing. Shallan watched her Adam’s apple bob, as they went through what appeared to be every stage of grief at once. “Well, basically it’s like this.” And she leant down, straddling Shallan’s hips, and kissed Shallan, badly.
“Have you, like, ever kissed another human being before?” Shallan said when Kal pulled back, which was almost immediately. “Who’s not your mother?”
“You mean minus the time a guy resuscitated me after I threw myself off a bridge?” Kal said. “That was the second time round, if you’re still keeping track.”
Oh, right. Bridge Four.
“So no,” Shallan said. “Hey, how about I show you proper kissing technique?”
“Are you sure?” Kal said. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Uh, yeah?” she said. “This is literally Veil’s biggest fantasy. You’re adorable. And I don’t think you could ever hurt me, even if you tried. Here, let me.”
Kal stared at her like some manner of frightened doe, then let Shallan cup their face, and she kissed them, softly so as not to alarm her, soaking in their big warm hands, and lean, muscular frame, and the warmest, kindest brown eyes she’d ever seen. She might like Adolin, and he was wonderful—but truthfully he didn’t get it, not the way Kal did. There were things she’d told Kal that she hadn’t told a living soul. Things she’d never told anyone before, childhood slights that she’d bottled up and locked away for no reason other than she could. Kal knew her. Kal understood her. Kal—
“Uh,” said Kal, awkwardly pulling away for the second time that day.
Shallan looked down. Yep, she hadn’t been imagining it. Kal was most definitely hard.
“I didn’t even realise that was possible,” they said. “You know, antidepressants…”
“Well, clearly it’s because I’m hot shit,” she said.
They locked eyes, and both burst out laughing. Kal rolled over onto their side, so she sat up, so delighted by the sight of Kal happy that she forgot everything that had ever troubled her.
“You know,” she said, “if you want to—you know—”
“Hold hands?” they said.
“No, have sex!”
“Well,” said Kal. “Sure, I guess. Might as well cross it off the list.”
“I’m flattered,” Shallan said. “Are you not … interested?”
“Well, not not interested, just—not that interested. I guess it just seems kind of messy. I’m not opposed to it, but … well, it’s just sort of there.”
Shallan grinned. “You sound like Jasnah. Ask her about asexuality, she knows basically everything there is to know.”
“No thanks, she’s insufferable. Though, I guess … it’d be nice to kiss you again.”
“You can say that again,” Shallan said.
“It’d be nice to kiss you again.”
“Okay, now do it.”
They didn’t escape the bedroom for several hours.
“Holy shit,” Shallan said, the next morning.
What is it? Radiant sighed.
“I was Kal’s first kiss!”
And also her first friend and their first lay, Veil said. And it wasn’t me! Disappointing. Do I get a go next time?
Shallan groaned. “You’re making me want to get over my fear of needles.”
That bad, huh? Veil said.
Exactly that bad. Shallan sighed, and resolved to figure out how best to propose a threesome to Adolin.