Chapter Text
Rain pattered gently against the large glass window, setting a soothing rhythm to guide the melody I played at my piano. Another gray evening, the muted light of day fading behind the constant clouds and then disappearing entirely with the return of night. An inevitability.
I smiled to myself.
Only one night more. The next time the sunlight was swallowed by dark, I expected the world would look quite different to me.
The odd sensation humans called butterflies fluttered in my stomach, anticipation and apprehension and exhilaration all raging so chaotically that each new feeling was indistinguishable from the last. It was a sensation I had been unable to shake for days now, and in fact had only intensified as the date of the wedding approached.
My wedding. Our wedding.
Without my command, the notes of her lullaby wove their way into the wandering tune playing under my fingertips. My mind was overwhelmed by the image of a sleeping human girl, curled up on her small bed, dark hair spread wildly about her pillow, features soft and lovely and relaxed while she breathed slowly in and out, totally safe and at peace. The same girl who had brought my frozen, dead heart back to life. The girl who, in just a few short hours, would be my bride.
The butterflies exulted, and the world seemed to shine even more brightly than before, despite the setting sun. My smile grew wider.
Perhaps I should have felt more embarrassed by my own irrational, almost childish giddiness. Then again, surely this crushing sense of joy was perfectly reasonable. How could one resist such a feeling? It must be an impossibility for even the strongest of creatures on this plane of existence — a classification to which myself and my kind belonged — to fight against something so intense. Isabella Swan had agreed to be my wife. Nothing could be more powerful than the sense of euphoria that accompanied that thought.
Just one short day from now, I would have absolutely everything I had ever wanted.
Even the things I knew I should not have. Even the things I knew I should never have let myself want.
The lullaby slowed, its tone darkened. As inevitable as the return of night. My smile was replaced with a frown, then followed by a quiet sigh.
No, embarrassment was not what I should be feeling. That concept was too weak, too excusable. What I truly deserved to feel was shame.
Well, I had certainly been feeling plenty of shame lately, too. Shame was a thorn dug in too deeply, a stubborn counterpoint to the unruly butterflies. It was just never quite enough to fully eclipse my selfish bliss. My restless mind had been enduring this same cycle of light and dark, joy and doubt, pleasure and pain, for weeks now, ever since the day Bella had allowed me to place the engagement ring on her finger. My thoughts never stopped running in circles.
Those circles had grown smaller, the fluctuation of my feelings more frequent, with the approach of August thirteenth. The time to examine all the angles, to determine if I was making some sort of mistake, was truly running out. I wondered occasionally if these mental torments would ever cease, or if I would spend eternity debating with myself about whether I had done the right thing by letting Bella stay with me.
Eternity was precisely the thing at stake, after all. My own eternity had been decided for me nearly a century ago, when Carlisle had chosen me for transformation. Bella still had the chance to choose something different.
She could choose humanity. She could choose a life of learning and growing. Of family and true, deep friendships, unhindered by the forced secrecy my existence required. Of accomplishing her personal goals, both big and small, college and career and beyond. Of openly enjoying the daylight as much as she desired, and of allowing herself to rest when the day came to an end.
Or she could choose me.
It was utterly baffling that she had ever believed I might be worth choosing. Time and time again, I had proved myself unworthy of her kindness, her thoughtfulness, her gentleness. She had suffered so much because of me, and in many ways, she and I both knew that she would continue to suffer — another inevitability. The torment of transformation from mortal to immortal, the ceaseless burn of her thirst, the monotony of endless night. Through all our discussions, however, she had continued to insist that it would all be worth it. She loved me that much.
Ridiculous.
There was only one other contributing factor I suspected had influenced her decision. Something we rarely acknowledged aloud; I knew how much it frightened her, even to mention their name. The ancient immortals known as the Volturi, sitting on their lofty thrones in Italy, had promised lethal consequences for Bella should she remain human. It was forbidden for anyone mortal to possess such awareness of our existence, and our iron-fisted rulers would be sure to follow through on their promise of punishment.
Of course, it was my own fault that Aro, Marcus, and Caius had ever been made aware of Bella’s existence or the knowledge she possessed. Yet another example of how I had caused her undue suffering. If Bella ever blamed me for this, as I knew she should, she never spoke of it. All she ever confessed to desire was an eternity spent at my side.
Eternity, married to the very same vampire who had so very nearly slaughtered her upon our first meeting, so drawn was I to the uniquely delicious scent of her blood.
Again, ridiculous.
And yet… After all we had been through, I felt I now had no choice but to honor the integrity of Bella’s choice. Who was I, after all, to insist I knew what was best for her? I had made countless mistakes, hurt her time and time again. All I could do now was accept her incomprehensible devotion, and do my absolute best to provide her with all she desired, to somehow live up to her expectations.
What a privilege and an honor.
What extraordinary pressure.
Again, a smile, then a frown. My moods were so unstable, the embarrassment caught up to me again.
Not that anyone was present currently to witness the evidence of my inner turmoil. The house was nearly empty, my brothers having gone off to assist Alice with assembling the dance floor for tomorrow’s reception out on the lawn. From what I could hear in their thoughts, they seemed to be having fun, making a game of every menial task. My sister had only a few hours left to put Emmett and Jasper to work before they would drag me off to my bachelor party later tonight. Naturally, she had planned ahead for this, just as she planned ahead for everything, even on the most mundane occasions. Having access to clear visions of the future had made Alice an exceptionally efficient wedding planner.
Meanwhile, Carlisle had been called in to cover a late shift at the hospital. I knew that my father figure, with his endless compassion, rarely turned down an opportunity to help save human lives where possible. Of course, he had also possessed enough good sense to secure Alice’s approval before accepting the call — he would not risk shirking his responsibilities to stand by my side as my best man tomorrow.
So the house was nearly empty. Certainly not quiet, however.
“Is that Edward at the piano?” Renée whispered. Oh my, no wonder Bella fell so hard. Even I’m swooning.
Bella’s mother had been here all day — and all yesterday, and all the day before, ever since she got in from her flight from Jacksonville — obsessing over flowers and decorations and music selections all with an uncurbed, childlike enthusiasm. Quite the opposite of her daughter, who had gladly handed all wedding planning duties off to Alice, and in fact requested that she be involved in the process as scarcely as possible.
Renée was wildly different from Bella in a number of ways. The most notable difference, however, was one to which I possessed a unique sensitivity. It was not always easy, my special ability to hear the thoughts of anyone in my surroundings, and the constant mental babbling was often inescapable and overwhelming. Bella had first caught my attention for her immunity to my gift, her mind solidly and permanently inaccessible to me, a forever-silent mystery. Renée, on the other hand, had the sort of mind that tended to blare her thoughts at full volume, hiding absolutely nothing, displaying every nuance and desire without restraint.
Sitting beside Renée at the dining table in the next room, my own mother grinned at her and nodded.
“I love when he plays,” Esme said, knowing I would hear every whisper between them. “I’ll miss it dearly after he and Bella move out.”
“They’re growing up so fast.” Renée spoke the cliché with complete earnestness, pressing her palm over her heart and sighing dolefully. “It feels like only yesterday I was signing Bella up for piano lessons. I think she lasted a month before she convinced me to let her quit, the stubborn little thing. And now she’s marrying a virtuoso, from the sounds of it.”
“Isn’t it funny how fate works?” Esme mused.
I wished she could see me roll my eyes at her.
Even so, I could not begrudge Esme the opportunity to play the part of a doting human mother. The friendship that had blossomed between she and Renée over the summer had been such a meaningful thing to her, an opportunity she had always yearned for in secret. The two women never seemed to run out of stories to tell or good-natured gossip to share, and Esme absorbed every moment of socialization like it was something precious.
Perhaps I would have been able to similarly appreciate Renée’s enthusiasm, if not for the complications introduced by her presence.
Renée was not privy to our secret, of course, and so her perspective was naturally skewed. Her excited thoughts extended far past the wedding itself, full of rose-colored daydreams about her daughter’s future, wondering if Bella and I might ever move closer to her home in Florida, or if we might at least visit her more often. Maybe we could all spend more time together — Renée and her husband, Phil, along with the new Mr. and Mrs. Cullen — going on road trips, vacations, and adventures, just as she and Bella had done before Bella had moved to Washington state to live with her father….
My expression turned back to a contemplative frown, my hands drifting to the left side of the keyboard, playing the lullaby at a lower octave. All impossible things, a future that would never come true. After tomorrow’s wedding, Renée was likely never to see her daughter again.
Tomorrow’s wedding. My wedding. Our wedding. Tomorrow.
I was powerless to stop the brilliant images that flooded my head then, my own hopeful dreaming about what the future might hold. A dark haired beauty dressed in white, dark eyes gleaming and fair skin blushing as she placed her left hand in mine. Her third finger was adorned with a ring, the same ring my father had given my mother at the turn of the twentieth century. At last, Bella was truly and officially mine.
The frown was gone, the notes of the piano reverberating with a more optimistic tone. My giddy, embarrassing smile had returned.
This was what Rosalie saw when she strolled through the back door, on her way to change out of her greasy clothes after working in the garage all afternoon. My oldest sister paused, conflicted, as she observed my ludicrous expression, her angelic features twisting with a look of disgust. “Ugh.” For all the times I’ve complained about you being so mopey, I think that stupid grin on your face is what’s really going to make me sick.
I smiled wider, then turned to her and winked. She shuddered once in made a gagging sound.
“You’re not going to embarrass me for feeling romantic, Rose,” I murmured, still grinning as I turned back to the keys. “Not after the dozens of weddings I’ve attended for you and Emmett over the decades.” For all her gripes with immortality, few things had given my sister quite as much joy as the opportunity to get married over and over again. I’d had to bite back my own annoyance over that far too often.
I had meant the words to sound teasing, but I probably should have anticipated that Rosalie would be quick to take offense.
She stood up straighter and folded her arms across her chest. Her mental tone was cutting. You know this is different. I have a hard time seeing the romance in what you’re doing.
Another frown. She was right, and I should have considered that before I put my foot in my mouth.
There was a reason she had not joined in with the others while they had their fun planning and decorating. For Rosalie, tomorrow’s wedding was going to be… difficult.
Rosalie would give up absolutely anything to be human again, to have the rich and full life that Bella was — in her estimation — so casually choosing to forfeit. Though Rose had made significant strides in tolerating Bella’s presence within our family over recent months, I suspected her resentment would persist on some level for at least another ten centuries.
Part of me could not help but wonder if Rosalie was right about this, too. What if this extreme happiness I felt today came back to haunt me later on? What if it was the same for Bella? Would she spend eternity regretting her choice? Would I spend eternity knowing she resented me for allowing her to do so?
What if this was all a mistake?
There was a burst of giggles from the dining room, Renée and Esme entrenched in their own conversation, unaware of the half-silent tension on the other side of the wall. Rosalie scowled in their general direction.
“How’s the Ferrari?” I asked suddenly, shamelessly trying to distract her. Distract myself, as well. Our shared love of cars had historically been the safest topic of conversation for Rosalie and I, and I wanted to at least try to repair her sour mood.
She glared at me through narrowed eyes, but answered my question. “Don’t worry. Still pristine and perfect.” I guess that’ll be the one upside after she throws her life away, that she’ll finally get to drive the thing.
The Ferrari in question was a gift I had selected for Bella with Rosalie’s help, with the intention that she would drive it only after becoming immortal. In the meantime, the sleek red sports car was hidden in the garage under Rosalie’s care, while Bella drove a Mercedes with adequate safety features to keep up with her magnetic attraction for accidents.
More giggles floated through the doorway to the dining room. I had no opportunity to spare Rosalie from overhearing the next subject that appeared in Renée’s thoughts; she had already decided to speak it out loud.
“You know, I’m in no hurry to be a grandma, but…” Renée snickered. “They’re such a good looking couple! Can’t you just imagine what adorable babies they’re going to have one day?”
My hands faltered over the keys, the next notes coming just half a beat too late.
Renée was already imagining it, unknowingly projecting her thoughts into my own mind. Though the picture was blurred by the limitations of a human psyche, there was a level of clarity that suggested this was not the first time she’d imagined this particular child. A fair-skinned infant with her mother’s dark eyes and her father’s reddish hair, smiling and cooing and she laid in Bella’s arms.
Another daydream, a future that could never become reality.
Though I had my own grief to contend with over this impossible future, it was Rosalie who snapped first, a quiet gasp of agony hissing between her bared teeth.
This was my sister’s most sensitive wound, her deepest scar: grief for the children she would never bear, the lost potential for a family of her own. And it was yet another reason to resent Bella’s decision, another aspect of humanity she was so flippantly casting aside.
Fury boiled to the surface in Rosalie’s mind, but she seemed determined to hold her tongue.
“Rose—” I tried to say, but she was already on the move, whirling around and heading straight back out the door. She would find something else to keep her occupied in the garage until Renée left for the evening, something to give her distance from the pain.
I heard three more sets of confused and worried thoughts on the lawn as Alice, Jasper, and Emmett watched Rosalie’s retreat. Emmett had already decided that he would go check up on her, and for that I was grateful. He would do a much better job of comforting her than I ever could. I hadn’t wanted Rosalie to be upset.
Sighing, I turned my attention back to the familiar melody, watching my fingers dance over the keys, feeling my thoughts being pulled in a thousand complex directions. So much to worry over still. And now the picture from Renée’s imagination, a new pillar at the center of my mind. A reminder of what I was asking Bella to sacrifice. An echo of something I had already lost, long ago, before I had ever had the chance to wish for it.
Whether or not Bella ever resented me for these things, I knew that part of me — like Rosalie — would never stop yearning for the impossible. The most ideal version of the future, the future that would never be.
In a perfect world, one that was always kind and fair, there would never be a need for Bella to make any sort of sacrifice. I would become human for her. She would live the life of light, love, and family that was always meant for her, and I would live it there at her side. We would enjoy daylight together, and leave behind no regrets when the day came to an end.
If only I could be that ideal human man, the human husband she deserved...
As it stood now, I supposed all I could do was hope that she would continue to love me regardless.
Then again… Perhaps that was not entirely true. I could do much more than hope — I could try. Try my best to do the impossible, to force myself to become someone better, more worthy, the best version of a husband I could be. To persist through the futility, rather than succumb to it.
An intimidating task, surely. Yet I could already feel my focus clarifying, my mind quieting. I had no other choice but to try. I loved Isabella Swan far too much to do anything less.
I closed my eyes and pictured her lovely face, letting the uncertainty of the future melt away, and smiled once more.
“I miss you already.”
“I don’t need to leave. I can stay...”
“Mmm.”
This was another method to distract myself from the endless cycle of my conflicted thoughts. A more pleasant method, in fact.
It was always a soothing thing, an automatic and all-encompassing sense of relief, to return to Bella’s presence after any length of time spent apart, and I hated that I was expected to leave her side again so soon tonight. It must have been the same for her — she certainly seemed receptive to my offer to stay.
Her fragile arms were wrapped tightly around my shoulders, the feverish heat of her lips locked on mine, her heart pounding a rhythm that was nearly hypnotizing. It was all too easy to lose myself in the thrill of her embrace, the sweet scent coming off her skin, the rush of blood pulsing through her veins…
While I had spent plenty of nights before with Bella in her bedroom, it was only recently that our nights had involved so much of this. In the beginning especially, it had been essential for Bella’s most basic survival that our physical relationship be carefully contained within a set of strict boundaries. One wrong move, one instant of carelessness, and I could so easily break her, bringing her life to a swift and brutal end. It would be foolish to underestimate the power and temptation her blood held over me, no matter the purity of my intentions and love for her. The temptation I felt for her body, while more human in nature, only served to complicate matters further.
Only through discipline over time had I become more confident in my ability to control myself, enabling these more recent opportunities for she and I to become a little… closer. Her blood still carried the same unbearably sweet scent, perfectly matched to my desires, but the demands of my thirst were more easily disregarded now, after all the times I had so nearly lost her forever. Meanwhile, the excess of my physical strength had also become something I understood better how to manage.
Most of the time.
Bella’s arms tightened around my neck, her fingers twisted in my hair, and the enticing heat of her breath blew deliciously across my face as her lips parted against mine. Automatically, unthinkingly, I kissed her more deeply.
Yes, this was quite an effective way to distract myself. Perhaps too effective.
What if this was all a mistake?
I opened my eyes, suddenly needing reassurance, knowing that the sight of her perfect face would be the best way to ground myself in the moment. Her mind might have been a silent mystery, but I had also learned over time how to read her expressions and physical cues. Her heartbeat, her breathing, her rosy cheeks… and finally, her stunning eyes, fluttering open to meet mine. Brown and warm, deeper than the ocean, the windows to her most precious soul.
It worked perfectly. In just one instant of our gazes locking together, the universe felt balanced again, and my priorities became crystal clear. I loved this woman more than anything. There was nothing I would not give her. Nothing I would not do for her. I was hers, and she was mine.
One corner of her mouth turned up in a seductive smirk, a mischievous glint in her eye. I felt the tug of her fists in my hair, her mortal strength guiding my face closer to hers — a force that was impossible to resist.
“Definitely staying,” I whispered against her lips.
“No, no. It’s your bachelor party. You have to go.”
Bella had never been a very convincing liar. Her arms, still wrapped around my torso, shamelessly contradicted her breathless protests. She untangled her left hand from my hair and pressed her palm against the small of my back, holding me securely in place. The smooth band of her engagement ring was a cool, comforting presence on my skin.
I pulled away by a half inch, cradling her jaw in my hands. “Bachelor parties are designed for those who are sad to see the passing of their single days. I couldn’t be more eager to have mine behind me. So there’s really no point.”
She didn’t bother with arguing this time. “True.”
Change was supposed to be an intimidating thing for frozen immortals such as myself. And, despite my obvious excitement for tomorrow’s wedding, that was still the case for me. Many questions remained unanswered about what particular changes and events would follow the wedding. Would Bella ask me to change her as soon as possible, or would I be able to persuade her to remain human a while longer? Even Alice could not clearly see the answer to this question, with so many factors in play.
Bella and I had made a careful — if not convoluted — agreement about the order of events, at least. She knew I would not change her until after we were married, and she had accepted those terms, though not without tacking on some terms of her own. There was only one thing she would demand from me before committing to immortality. One human experience she was not willing to go without.
After the wedding, before the transformation, there would have to be a honeymoon.
Or an attempt at a honeymoon. I had only promised her that we would try. It was far too dangerous, and I was far too inexperienced, to make guarantees. She was just so breakable. If I hurt her at all….
That was the functional reasoning behind what we were doing now. Practice. Gradually, over the course of the summer, we had spent our nights exploring the boundaries of what was safe, and becoming much, much more comfortable with each other.
Bella was still fully dressed in her usual pajamas, but she had yanked my shirt over my head within the first minute after I’d climbed through her window. Any sense of shyness in that regard had been lost weeks ago. It was only at my insistence that she stayed bundled up in her quilt. While I certainly appreciated her willingness, I would much rather she was comfortable and warm.
Regardless, the presence of the quilt did little to abate the overwhelming sensations of her body wrapped in my arms. I could only imagine how much more overwhelmed I would be once we traded the cold, dreary climate of Forks for the sultry air of a tropical island — a place where we could truly be alone, where we would be free from distractions, where things like quilts and pajamas would be rendered unnecessary.
Bella already seemed to be lost in such a headspace, free from distractions and free from fear. No regard for the chill of my touch, nor for her father sleeping cluelessly across the hall, nor for the undeniable presence of danger. Her lips were fierce against my own, and her warm fingers moved without shyness or restraint as they glided like silk over the muscles of my stomach. I shuddered involuntarily and kissed her more roughly, sighing with pleasure as her tongue grazed my bottom lip.
This all came so naturally to her, a human girl seeking a human experience. I always felt a few steps behind, unsure and unsteady. Wanting to give her all of my love, knowing how easily that love might crush her.
Her hands clutched at my shoulders as I tried to pull away. “Wait.”
She spent a moment struggling to beneath the confines of her quilt before kicking one leg free, then hooking that leg around my waist, effectively holding me in place more securely than a thousand iron chains.
There was a smile in her breathless voice. “Practice makes perfect.”
I chuckled, quite unwilling to disentangle myself. “Well, we should be fairly close to perfection by this point, then, shouldn’t we? Have you slept at all in the last month?”
“But this is the dress rehearsal, and we’ve only practiced certain scenes. It’s no time for playing safe.”
I could feel the soft tug on my shoulders as her hands tried to pull me closer, but I was suddenly too frozen to respond. Her words — spoken so lightly, in the clear cadence of a joke — echoed in my mind with an unmistakable chill.
Playing safe. It was an astute observation, really. Had it been a mistake to err on the side of caution for so long? Yes, we had mastered a certain level of intimacy that was new to us, but... Did that truly mean it was safe to progress toward something more? Could such progress ever be safe? And if so, how would I be able to tell? This was all so new. It was the night before our wedding, and so many unknown dangers still lay ahead. How could I possibly keep her safe if I possessed only hypothetical knowledge of what she was asking me to do?
Bella’s body had also gone frozen beneath me. Regret flashed in her eyes.
“Bella…”
“Don’t start this again.” She was quick to admonish me, an edge of desperation in her hushed voice. “A deal’s a deal.”
She made a good point. The thought of going back on my promise, of leaving her disappointed, was equally disappointing for me. I had been a fool to ever make such a dangerous promise in the first place. Then again, I had only been convinced to make that promise because of my inability to think clearly while we were so entangled. It was such an unfair and confusing cycle. Was I overthinking? Or was I not thinking enough?
“I don’t know,” I sighed in defeat. “It’s too hard to concentrate when you’re with me like this. I — I can’t think straight. I won’t be able to control myself. You’ll get hurt.” And I would never forgive myself.
“I’ll be fine.”
Fine. She used that word far too often for my taste. “Bella….” I groaned again.
“Shh!” She silenced me with another kiss, arms winding around my neck.
Again, while I appreciated her willingness to offer me such a tempting distraction, something in my mood had shifted. No, we should not be playing safe tonight. And that meant we should probably use this opportunity to have a real conversation.
I pulled back just far enough that I could read her eyes. “How are your feet?”
She grinned lopsidedly and pressed her toes against my ankles. “Toasty warm.”
“Really?” I tried to match her lighthearted tone, though the words were both serious and true. “No second thoughts? It’s not too late to change your mind.” It would never be too late — not until my venom was in her veins.
“Are you trying to ditch me?”
I laughed once. “Just making sure. I don’t want you to do anything you’re not sure about.”
“I’m sure about you. The rest I can live through.”
Her words, still clearly meant to be light and teasing, again gave me pause. I believed she was sure about me — though it was an astounding notion, her actions had always proved that to be true. It was more difficult to believe that she could be so sure about everything else.
“Can you?” I whispered, fully serious now. “I don’t mean the wedding — which I am positive you will survive despite your qualms — but afterward…. What about Renée, what about Charlie?”
She sighed, and her expression became guarded. This was undoubtedly the most painful thing she would face, at least emotionally. Leaving her parents behind, knowing how they would mourn her.
“I’ll miss them,” she hedged, always too stubborn to admit any weakness.
Then there were her friends, her human peers who were packing up for college, planning their own futures. “Angela and Ben and Jessica and Mike.”
“I’ll miss my friends, too.” Her playful grin returned, and she clutched dramatically at her heart. “Especially Mike. Oh, Mike! How will I go on?”
A short growl rumbled in my chest — it was ingrained response by now. I had never quite gotten over my petty disdain for that boy, just as he had never quite gotten over his little crush on Bella.
She giggled, then met my eyes with a look of unwavering confidence. “Edward, we’ve been through this and through this. I know it will be hard, but this is what I want. I want you, and I want you forever. One lifetime is simply not enough for me.”
I would never know where she had found her sense of calm assurance. It was obviously not something she had ever picked up from me. My head spun with the same tired questions. She knew what she wanted now, but how could she possibly know what she would want for eternity? How could she even conceptualize something so enormous, with so few years of life experience behind her?
“Frozen forever at eighteen…” I whispered.
She was still teasing. “Every woman’s dream come true.”
“Never changing… never moving forward.”
“What does that mean?”
It meant... so many things. Too many things to fit into one conversation.
There was one thing in particular that struck me now, a remnant left over from my afternoon at the piano. A topic I had been too cowardly to speak about with her before. An image in my head that was surprisingly clear and defined, despite the fact that it could never be made real.
I spoke slowly. “Do you remember when we told Charlie we were getting married? And he thought you were… pregnant?”
Her shoulders shook with another quiet chuckle. “And he thought about shooting you. Admit it — for one second, he honestly considered it.”
My lips pressed together in a tight line. Yes, Bella’s father had been furious in that moment when he’d started jumping to conclusions — and rightfully so. I would be furious with myself for compromising Bella’s future and disrespecting her in such a blatant regard. And yet…. How could I explain this to her? Would she understand?
In a perfect world, in the most ideal version of the future, where I was the most ideal husband….
Frozen in my temperaments as I was, it was difficult for me not to think of the customs from my own youth in the time of the Great War. In that world, one where she and I were both human, I would have made Isabella Swan my bride months ago. By this point in our love story, we would already be settled into our new life and routine as husband and wife. Perhaps already raising our first child — a happy, healthy baby with her mother’s eyes.
I could not understand why this image, which had always been so unattainable, was suddenly causing me such fresh, discerning pain. Why now? I had never yearned for a child as Rosalie had over the decades. The absence of that potential had never had much effect on me at all. No part of me had ever been interested in becoming a father.
It was something different, though — something infinitely more meaningful — to factor Bella into the scope of that imaginary picture. Not just any child, not just my child, but Bella’s child. A piece of her soul, a continuation of her life, pure and innocent and perfect. It felt criminal to deprive the world of such a thing.
Much more so to deprive Bella of such a thing.
She watched face with careful suspicion. “What, Edward?”
“I just wish…” I sighed. “Well, I wish that he’d been right.”
“Gah!” Her eyes popped open wide.
I rushed to explain. “More that there was some way he could have been. That we had that kind of potential. I hate taking that away from you, too.”
Her chin lifted. “I know what I’m doing.”
“How could you know that, Bella? Look at my mother, look at my sister. It’s not as easy a sacrifice as you imagine.”
“Esme and Rosalie get by just fine. If it’s a problem later, we can do what Esme did — we’ll adopt.”
I sighed again and shook my head, unnerved by the dismissiveness of her attitude. Bella deserved a better life than one where she was forced to settle for less than the ideal, where she merely got by.
“It’s not right!” I insisted. “I don’t want you to have to make sacrifices for me. I want to give you things, not take things away from you. I don’t want to steal your future. If I were human—”
She pressed her hand over my mouth, putting a stop to my rambling. The same look of stubbornness was there on her face, in the little v-shaped dent between her eyebrows. There was also a new twinkle of amusement in her dark eyes. “You are my future,” she reminded me. “Now stop. No moping, or I’m calling your brothers to come and get you. Maybe you need a bachelor party.”
“I’m sorry,” I mumbled against her fingertips. “I am moping, aren’t I? Must be the nerves.”
She dropped her hand, arching one eyebrow. “Are your feet cold?”
“Not in that sense.” I made myself smile, to resume my focus on the positives. It wasn’t very difficult; there was so much to look forward to. “I’ve been waiting a century to marry you, Miss Swan. The wedding ceremony is the one thing I can’t wait—”
A cacophony of thunderous footsteps tearing through the forest outside, along with a chorus of obnoxious thoughts, suddenly diverted my attention.
‘Oh, Miss Swan, how I love you! I can’t wait to spend eternity holding hands and staring into each other’s eyes!’ Emmett’s teasing was good-natured, but unrelenting. I would never expect any less from him.
Jasper’s thoughts were only slightly more serious. Alice had given him strict orders to drag me away from Bella tonight no matter how I might resist, but she had also ordered him to ensure I actually had fun. He knew both orders were going to take some work to fulfill.
“Oh, for the love of all that’s holy!” My teeth gritted together.
Bella looked genuinely worried. “What’s wrong?”
“You don’t have to call my brothers. Apparently Emmett and Jasper are not going to let me bow out tonight.”
That’s right, Mr. Cullen. No use resisting.
Bella hugged me closer for a moment, then seemed to think better of it. She sighed and fell back against the pillows, lips pouting. “Have fun.”
Outside, Emmett quickly scaled the side of the house and scraped his fingertips across the window, making the glass squeal. “If you don’t send Edward out,” he threatened in a ghostly voice, “we’re coming in after him!”
“Go.” She giggled once and tried halfheartedly to push me away. “Before they break my house.”
I rolled my eyes, still wishing for an excuse to stay. Only one night more, I reminded myself. Reluctantly, I removed myself from Bella’s warm embrace, climbed out of bed, and retrieved my shirt from the floor.
Emmett gave a low whistle at that and chuckled before dropping back to the earth below. Getting frisky, eh?
Ignoring him, I leaned in and kissed Bella’s forehead. “Get to sleep. You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”
“Thanks! That’s sure to help me wind down.”
I smiled. “I’ll meet you at the altar.”
“I’ll be the one in white.” She smiled, too, though it was a little strained.
Would you quit stalling? You can go back to playing footsy right after the ceremony, I promise.
I laughed again, otherwise ignoring the peanut gallery below. “Very convincing,” I told her.
Bella had never been very fond of large parties or celebratory events, to put it mildly. She was even less fond of any such thing that placed her at the center of attention. I knew this was the main source of her anxieties about the wedding, rather than any doubts she had about me. It still made me wish there was some way I could make things easier for her. If I could stay a little longer, just until she fell asleep...
Emmett and Jasper would surely flog me for that, just as Alice would never forgive me for daring to compromise her carefully curated plans. There was a purpose to this bachelor party, after all. Alice had insisted that she would have a much easier time putting final touches on the décor tonight without any men in the house.
Oh, well. I would do my best to behave.
Without further ado, I crouched and then launched myself out of Bella’s window. At the last possible second, I angled the point of my elbow so that it could collide with the back of Emmett’s head.
He snarled and whirled around as I landed on my feet beside him, putting his fists up. I just grinned back at him. Though Emmett was one of the largest and strongest vampires I had ever encountered, I still possessed the advantage of being able to read his moves before they were made, and I knew that drove him crazy.
“You’d better not make him late.” I heard Bella murmur from upstairs.
Before I could respond, Jasper sprang up in the air and grabbed onto the window ledge. “Don’t worry, Bella. We’ll get him home in plenty of time.”
Immediately, Bella’s heart rate began to slow in response to the calming effect of Jasper’s gift. His ability to sense and influence the emotions of others certainly had its advantages, and I was grateful for his help. Maybe she would fall asleep a little more easily.
I dodged a right hook from Emmett while Jasper watched Bella sit up, still wrapped in her blanket, a sudden look of concern on her face.
“Jasper? What do vampires do for bachelor parties? You’re not taking him to a strip club, are you?”
“Don’t tell her anything!” Emmett growled, coming at me from the left this time. I saw his plan and went low, taking him down with a kick to his ankles. He landed on his backside with a huff, and I laughed.
“Relax,” Jasper said to Bella, her heart slowing again. “We Cullens have our own version. Just a few mountain lions, a couple of grizzly bears. Pretty much an ordinary night out.”
An ordinary night for vampires following the “vegetarian” diet, at least. I was relieved to hear that they really had not planned anything more elaborate.
“Thanks, Jasper.”
Emmett was back on his feet and ready to instigate an all-out wrestling match, but Jasper was faster. He dropped from the window, landing nimbly between us. In the same movement, he was grabbing us each by the arm and hauling us away, back toward the safe shadows of the forest.
I couldn’t help looking back over my shoulder as the shape of her little house disappeared behind the trees, the sound of her heartbeat disappearing along with it. Tomorrow suddenly seemed terribly far away. Did I really have to wait so long to see her again?
“We have strict orders not to let you within a hundred miles of her,” Jasper informed me.
“Not until the boss gives us the go-ahead,” Emmett added, picturing Alice’s no-nonsense expression.
Alice was waiting for us in the garage at home, leaning against the doorframe with her arms folded across her chest, the very same look on her face. In her mind, I saw precisely what she had planned for us. We were to head north into the forests of British Columbia, where plenty of mountain lions — my personal favorite — were promised to be waiting.
“Eat well,” she instructed me while my brothers climbed into Emmett’s Jeep. “I need your eyes to match the gold accents in the light fixtures.” And do whatever Jasper tells you to do. I put him in charge. Don’t tell Emmett I said that.
“Yes, ma’am.” I nodded seriously, playing along with her militant tone. “Anything else?”
She pretended to think for a moment before her pixie-like features finally broke into a familiar grin. “Oh, I don’t know. Have fun, I guess.” She giggled in her tinkling soprano voice, then threw her tiny arms around me.
I returned the hug with a laugh, glad to know that my favorite sister was not so lost in her stress that she couldn’t still joke around a little. There were so many gratitudes I owed Alice for the thousands of ways she had helped guide me to this moment. These past weeks of wedding planning had been unusual; Alice and I had spent such little time together, all part of her efforts to conceal her thoughts and maintain a few surprises for me. I was looking forward to having Alice back in my corner, once the ceremony was over and my new life had officially begun.
It had already been decided that I was not allowed to drive. I sat obediently in the backseat, pointedly ignoring at least half of my brothers’ jokes and rowdy conversation, while Emmett navigated us through the winding mountain paths. My thoughts kept wandering back home, back to the girl from the lullaby. I hoped she had already fallen into that peaceful sleep, safe and content. I hoped she was dreaming of me.
But… What if she was sleeping fitfully? Having nightmares again? There was no way for me to know. The night terrors she used to suffer had been occurring with less frequency in recent weeks, it was true, but would they stir again in response to all the anticipation and stress? It was unfair that I could not be there to comfort her.
I was not exactly in a relaxed or playful mood by the time the Jeep pulled to a stop under the concealing trees of the dense forest. Emmett and Jasper could tell. It was a relief when they agreed to split up for the first part of the hunt, and I could hear their hopes that some fresh blood in my system might improve my attitude.
I suspected they were right. It had been too many weeks since the last time I had hunted. I was always just so reluctant to leave Bella’s side.
Alice’s promise about the population of mountain lions proved to be correct, of course. I found myself feeling better just after my first kill — a younger, more lank lioness I caught slinking through the branches overhead. I had not noticed the painful dryness in my throat until the warm blood was already washing it away, had not realized how weak I had become until I felt the strength being restored in my core. I wanted more.
I was a vampire, after all. Even after a near-century of this existence, I sometimes still needed to remind myself of that fact. It wasn’t a very pleasant thought, and I knew it was cowardly of me to avoid thinking of such things. When I was with Bella especially, it was just so tempting to pretend otherwise. That I could be part of her human world. Her human husband.
Impossible.
My next kill was larger, stronger, though no more difficult for me to catch. He was pinned to the ground, his neck snapped between my hands, in almost no time at all. I took no sadistic pleasure in the act of killing my prey, but again, the effects were immediate. Even my mind was clearer.
I still missed Bella, still hoped that she was sleeping safely, but... surely my worrying over her now would do no good. Alice was looking after her through her visions, of course, and Alice certainly would not let any harm be done to her best friend. It would be a waste of a perfectly good wedding dress, after all.
A chuckle burst from my lips, almost deliriously. I could feel the same embarrassing giddiness creeping back into my body, butterflies in my stomach, the promise of so much joy coming closer and closer. Tomorrow, I would be married to Isabella Swan. The most wonderful person in the universe was going to be my wife. Our wedding was tomorrow.
I was still laughing to myself as I dropped the drained carcass of my kill over a rocky ledge, into the narrow body of water below. Emmett, having just finished off a young grizzly a few miles south, was close enough to overhear. Curious, and unable to resist the opportunity to tease me some more, he started following the trail of my scent.
“What’s funny, Mr. Cullen?” he called. “Planning your escape from the shackles of marriage already?”
I waited until he broke through the treeline to roll my eyes at him. He skidded to a stop on the stone ledge beside me and grinned, shaking the pine needles out of his rumpled curly hair. Stains of dark red splotched his torn gray sweater.
“Your wife would probably throttle you if she heard you speak that way,” I pointed out.
“No way.” He poked me in the chest, his grin taking on an edge of impishness. “Rose can take a joke just fine. Especially if it’s at your expense.”
I saw what he planned to do next, and for a moment considered dodging the attack. But it would surprise him more if I played along. My body was already arcing away from the cliff face by the time he shoved my shoulder in the same direction. The extra boost had me flying some hundred yards out, then diving head first into the frigid water at the center of the small lake. From under the surface, I listened to his loud cackling, then heard the deafening splash as he canon-balled into the water after me.
He followed me as I swam due west, toward the rocky shoreline where Jasper would soon emerge to investigate all the ruckus.
“Now when exactly did I become the responsible one?” he chided as Emmett and I climbed up onto the same large craggy boulder where he sat.
Emmett only laughed and shook out his soaked hair like a dog, splattering us all with water droplets, then flopped into a sitting position. “Well, you sure can’t expect me to be the responsible one. Usually it’d be Edward, but looks like he’s decided to enjoy his last night of freedom after all.”
“Quite the opposite.” I stretched out, laying flat on my back to stare up at star-dotted sky. The blackness in the far distance was already subtly morphing into gray. “I am celebrating the first day of the rest of my existence.”
Emmett stuck his tongue out and made a rude noise, then reached over to lightly slap Jasper’s arm. “Jeez, if he’s like this now, can you imagine what he’ll be like once he’s really got something to be happy about?” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.
I suppressed a sigh. Of course this topic of conversation would be unavoidable tonight.
“Sorry, brother.” Emmett kept up his obnoxious laughter, though no one had joined in with him. “I know you’ve still got to wait a while. Not sure how else you two are gonna keep busy on your honeymoon, though.”
My body went rigid, a stab of shame eating at me despite my newfound optimism. What did it say that even Emmett assumed it would be impossible for Bella and I to consummate our marriage while she was human? He was the one I could usually count on to encourage such reckless behavior.
Jasper caught onto the shift in my emotions instantly. He shared a loaded glance with Emmett, who caught on a moment later.
“Wait, what?” Emmett’s jaw was actually hanging open with disbelief. “You haven’t….?”
“No,” I sighed reluctantly. There was no use in trying to evade his questioning. Bella’s words about playing safe ran through my head again. It would probably be wise for me to use this opportunity — however awkward — to seek some practical advice. “Not yet.”
There was another beat of silence. I kept staring at the sky.
“But… while she’s human?” Jasper was careful to keep the astonishment out of his voice, hoping not to offend me. He was the newest to our family’s “vegetarian” lifestyle, and even casual proximity to humans could be a struggle for him. What I was suggesting not only seemed impossible, but incomprehensible.
I was surprised by my own defensiveness. The embarrassment had me stumbling over my words. “I… It’s important to her. I couldn’t say no. I’m… We’re going to try, anyway.”
More silence. Then Emmett, once again, burst into thunderous laughter. A flock of geese on the other side of the lake shrieked and flew overhead.
“That’s awesome!” He chortled, leaning toward me with one palm raised, offering me a high five that I did not return. “I mean it, kid, I’m happy for you!”
My good mood had completely soured. I squeezed my eyes shut and pinched the bridge of my nose. “And if I kill her in the process?” I mumbled darkly. “I suppose you’ll be happy for me then, too?”
“Oh, come on. That’s not going to happen. You drank her blood without killing her, remember? You can manage this easy.”
I winced at the memory of that horrifying day, one of many times I had so nearly lost Bella forever. In a cruel twist of fate, I had been forced to drink her blood to keep her alive, to suck the venom out of her system after she’d been attacked by another vampire named James. Another narrow miss. The outcome could easily have been much darker.
“That’s not exactly the kind of comparison I want to draw, Em,” I managed to say. The image of Bella’s body, bandaged from head to toe, lying unconscious in a hospital bed, was already burned into my memory for eternity. Were we headed down that path again? Would I be the one to cause the damage this time?
“It’s not an inaccurate comparison, though.” Jasper spoke slowly, still trying to use some tact. “The sensations and the experience itself is quite different, but the… the pleasure… is similar to drinking human blood. Perhaps not as satisfying. But similar.”
Emmett nodded along eagerly, more serious now. “That’s exactly what I’m saying. You’ll have way more control over yourself for this. You already know how to be careful with her, right? It’s not like you’re going to forget all that just ’cause she takes her clothes off.” He thought for another moment, and I winced at the memories of Rosalie that flashed through his mind. “I guess it’s a little different, since she’ll have to go to sleep at some point.” He giggled like a child. “The real hard part will be taking your hands off her once you get started.”
I propped myself up on one elbow, suddenly alarmed. “What does that mean?”
"Calm down.” He rolled his eyes. “I just mean… Well, I’m guessing, with her being human and all… she gets tired, right? She’ll probably be done for the night well before you’ve had enough.”
Again, I tried not to really see the pictures from his own memories as they flashed through his head, but I understood the gist of what he was trying to say. The vampire appetite was not satisfied so easily. My own desires and instincts would drive me to seek more, to keep going throughout the night. Meanwhile, Bella’s experience would be limited by her human needs. She would grow tired, hungry, thirsty, sore…. Would I even be able to stop myself? Was this what I should have been worried about all along? That I would simply push her too far, until she was exhausted and in pain? I shuddered.
Emmett saw the look of disgust on my face and tried to redirect. “Don’t freak out, now. You’ll still be yourself. And you’ve got to be pretty good at the self-control thing by now, aren’t you?” I knew you must’ve been doing more than just watching her sleep all these nights. He chuckled some more.
Despite his never-ending jokes, I could tell that he meant this as serious advice. I nodded mutely, staring at the sky again. It was good to be prepared for this sort of thing, I supposed, to look for warning signs. Bella couldn’t always be trusted to tell me when she was tired, hungry, or hurting. She liked to pretend that she was indestructible, too.
Jasper seemed to be in agreement with Emmett’s assessment. His voice was quiet, his thoughts hesitant. “This will be the first time for both of you?” he asked.
“Yes,” I confirmed.
So she never, with…? “Sorry,” he muttered quickly, the apology genuine.
“It’s okay,” I muttered back just as quickly, taking another deep breath. “And, no.”
I hadn’t really wanted to think about this unpleasant topic tonight, but I could not be too surprised or offended by Jasper’s questioning. My family had only a vague level of awareness regarding what had taken place earlier this spring, shortly before Bella had agreed to marry me, when she had quite nearly agreed to give her heart to someone else.
Although, perhaps it had never been such a close call. It wasn’t always easy for me to tell, with Bella’s mental silence, and my own unwillingness to pry for more information.
I knew that she loved him. I knew that she quite easily could have chosen to be with him over me, and that her life would have been made much simpler for it, in many ways. Perhaps Jacob Black was a monster in his own right — one of the shapeshifting wolves who protected the nearby Quileute tribe in La Push — but he was certainly much more human than I could ever be. He could protect her and give her the human life that she deserved. He could give her everything.
Yet she still had chosen me.
Ridiculous — but I had already made the decision to trust Bella’s judgment. She knew what she wanted for herself. I also trusted that she would keep no secrets from me about her history with Jacob. I knew her too well to believe she would even attempt to tell a lie of that nature.
I knew Jacob Black fairly well by this point, too. Well enough that I couldn’t imagine he would ever skip the opportunity to track me down and gloat shamelessly about what he surely viewed as some kind of puerile victory.
“Well, that’s exciting, then.” Emmett’s encouraging laughter pulled me from my train of thought. He clapped me on the shoulder hard enough that a new fracture formed in the stone beneath me. “You’re about to be a whole new man, Edward. And, hey! It only took, like, a million years!”
I smiled up at the gradually lightening sky while he laughed loud enough to shake the trees. Maybe Emmett was right. And I couldn’t help but feel hopeful at the thought of becoming someone new.
Bella’s face, her beautiful brown eyes, smiled down at me from the stars overhead. Butterflies danced in my stomach.
“How much longer til we go home?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
There was no answer. I glanced behind me just in time to see both of my brother’s pointedly roll their eyes.