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Buffy couldn’t look at herself in the mirror. It didn’t help, she knew what she’d look like anyway. Her hair would be dull and lifeless, there’d be bags under her eyes, all around she’d look like a mess. It didn’t stop on the surface, her stomach was churning, eating itself, her thoughts were sluggish. All she wanted to do was cry out for her mom. But she couldn’t put either of them through that. She knew the only thing her mom could think of when she looked at her was ‘what if?’
So that’s why Willow was here. She didn’t think she’d called Willow, she’d just shown up. That’s what she does these days, doesn’t ask for permission just does whatever she thinks Buffy needs whenever she needs it, no matter how Buffy felt herself. She hated how reassuring it felt, the sight of her best friend almost got her heart beating, almost made her forget the pain she’s in. It definitely got her mouth watering.
Willow shouldn’t be here, she definitely shouldn’t be here alone with her. Even with everything Buffy still can’t be trusted, anything could happen. Anything had happened. Even still they were sat next to each other on Buffy’s bed like nothing had happened. Like Buffy had just missed the day at school and Willow was just filling her in on everything she’d missed. Oh Snyder tried to outlaw students getting water between class instead of heading straight to their next lesson, you won’t believe what Xander and Cordelia were arguing about, Oz and the Dingoes are playing at the Bronze tomorrow night you should be there. Her hand idly playing with Buffy’s hair, she wants to lean into that touch but she has to be strong.
“You shouldn’t be here,” It was a nice dream but it was still just a dream. And Buffy was too used to nightmares to indulge in a dream.
Willow sighed and for a second Buffy thought she might leave, held out hope a moment longer when she stood up from the bed. And gave up when Willow lingered in front of her and with tears brimming in her big sad eyes answered “I have to be here,”
Willow started unbuttoning her shirt. It was the way a lot of their conversations went since well everything. The same way Willow had started only wearing shirts with collars high enough to cover her neck, the way she’d gotten paler, the way she was showing off a growing parade of bite marks marching across her neck with each button she undid, some almost faded, some so clear and fresh it felt they should’ve still been weeping.
“I don’t need this,” she tried to insist, sounding weak and unconvincing even to herself as she stared at Willow’s neck like she was trying to drill another hole through it.
“You do,” despite how pale and tired Willow looked, her voice was strong, clear, brooked no argument.
Which didn’t stop Buffy from trying, screwing her eyes shut and looking away. “You don’t need to do this, I can manage,”
“I did this to you,” Willow climbed into her lap, it’d be so easy to throw her off, even if she didn’t have any supernatural strength but. She was so hungry, she was starving. Willow brushed the lids of Buffy’s eyes with the pad of her thumb and she couldn’t resist opening them, the full reassuring sight of her best friend flooding her vision.
“I can, I can steal blood from the hospital, find a place with a rat problem,” anything but this.
“And if somebody else needed that blood? It’d kill you,” Willow brushed the hair that was hanging in front of her neck away behind her, giving Buffy a clear shot “And I’m not going to let my best friend eat rats for the rest of her life,”
She did try to resist. She’d gotten really good at resisting all sorts of things. Even before all of this. But she must’ve gotten weak, all it took was feeling Willow’s heart beat, imagining the life rushing through her veins, Willow’s hand on the back of Buffy’s neck guiding her to her throat. Her other hand on Buffy’s lips, her jaw, planting her teeth onto her willing victim. That’s all it took, she was so pathetic.
But god it felt so good.
It should hurt shouldn’t it? Her whole face changing, her teeth growing into fangs. Plunging them into her best friend’s neck. But it didn’t, it felt like. It felt like it had that one night she tries not to think about. The night with Angel that changed everything. There was a yelp from Willow as Buffy’s fangs grew and pierced into her neck, then she was writhing, wriggling in her lap as if she was having second thoughts but it was too late and Buffy was feasting, drowning in all of Willow’s hot thick life running down the back of her throat, making her strong again.
And she was so strong, she held Willow tight, right now Willow was her whole world and she was not letting go. Willow cooed, the moment of panic was over and she wasn’t fighting any more, her hands were around Buffy’s neck and they were massaging her throat helping down the blood that spurted into Buffy’s mouth with her pulse. And her pulse was only racing faster and faster as Buffy dug in, as Willow writhed in her lap, for a moment she could forget, imagine that Willow’s heart beat was her own, that despite the taste and the feel of Willlow’s blood in her mouth that she wasn’t some vile dead thing.
It’d be so easy to go too far. It was so tempting, the sounds of Willow’s gasping getting fainter, the way she was growing so pliable, Buffy didn’t even need to grip her close any more, Willow was leaning into this all the way. Buffy’s hands were ghosting their way up Willow’s chest, searching for more buttons that were in her way, even that was restraint she could just pull, tear apart Willow’s shirt like she’s tearing into her throat. Have all of her, take everything that she was offering her.
Make her like she was.
“I’m sorry, Buffy, I just wanted you back,” Buffy could feel Willow’s tears fall on her face “I love you too much,”
Buffy froze, she wrenched at herself, all her base impulses everything she’d gotten used to burying deep deep down, and pulled herself out of Willow’s neck. The fresh puncture wounds were still weeping, Buffy grimaced and gave in one more time, gently lapping at Willow’s neck with her tongue until the blood stopped flowing, then fell backwards, skin crawling with how good she felt, how full she felt.
Willow fell with her, head landing on Buffy’s chest listening to her heart that had long since stopped beating, that she couldn’t even really remember beating, she never thought she’d have to remember what it was like. Willow’s face was content, she’d gotten what she wanted and Buffy loved her for it. Willow wasn’t going anywhere but still Buffy wrapped her arms around her and held her close.
“I’m going to save you, Buffy,” she said it with such confidence Buffy almost could believe her. “Until then, we’ll do this as many times as it takes,”