Chapter Text
𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞
Euijoo’s nervous gaze met his own reflection in the restaurant window once more. He ran a hand through his hair, attempting to tame strands that were already perfectly in place, then smoothed down his coat, though it lay flawlessly flat. It also served to wipe his sweaty palms; it didn't matter that everything outside was freezing, Euijoo felt as if every part of his body was on fire.
He gave a curt nod to his reflection and stepped inside, a smile fixed on his face. It didn't take him long to find the table where all his friends were seated, chatting animatedly. He raised a hand in greeting the moment Yuma’s eyes connected with his.
"Am I dreaming? Is this an illusion? You're actually here?"
Euijoo’s smile widened, making his cheeks ache, but he couldn't do anything other than smile back at his friends.
"The secret is to have Nicholas be the one to text him," Fuma said, his beer glass hovering near his lips. He took a sip, throwing a playful glance Euijoo’s way.
Euijoo felt his face grow warm, but before he could defend himself, a blur of blond hair approaching him captured his attention. A deep voice spoke.
"He doesn't even have time for me anymore. I had to give him a month's notice for this reunion."
He spoke to the group, but his eyes were only on his friend. For a split second, Euijoo forgot where he was. Nicholas wrapped his arms around him in a warm embrace and whispered an intimate, "Hi, Juju," meant for his ears alone.
Euijoo’s chest warmed at the nickname. The nickname he had coined and that Nicholas never let anyone else in the group use. Euijoo returned the embrace with equal fervor and whispered back, "Hi, Nico."
They pulled apart and looked at each other for a second, until Euijoo registered the scent he had been deliberately ignoring since Nicholas hugged him. Harua placed a hand on Nicholas’s shoulder and gifted Euijoo a brilliant, toothy smile.
Though Euijoo’s own smile faltered, the corner of his lip trembling, he managed to return it.
"I'm glad you could make it. We know you're busy with work, but thank you for being here today. It's important for my Nicho."
The sickeningly kind words made his stomach twist. The fact that he referred to Nico as his made Euijoo’s heart skip a beat, and seeing Nicholas smile back made it even worse. So, he just nodded and smiled again.
As he sat between Fuma and Yuma, Euijoo tried to sneak a glance at Harua’s hand as he walked beside Nicholas, but the constant movement and his friends' bodies made it difficult.
For a moment, Euijoo felt this wasn't just a casual catch-up among friends who hadn't seen each other in months. Though it had been almost a year since Euijoo had attended one of these, to be exact, since Nicholas had started dating Harua.
It had taken Nicholas weeks of persuasion to get a 'yes' from Euijoo, and once he had it, he hadn't let him forget. Euijoo had basically received a message a day for the past month from Nicholas, reminding him of their meeting. Euijoo had believed he was being a bad friend, not just to Nicholas but to everyone, so he truly thought they—he—missed him. Now, having seen something his mind refused to make sense of, perhaps he had been wrong.
Euijoo wasn't good at talking, but he was good at listening, so he justified his limited conversation with that. They asked about his work, his family, and how he was doing, though most already knew the answer to the first and last. Being a recognized painter had given him a status he'd never imagined, but he still appreciated them wanting to hear it from his own lips.
Still, he only chimed in when someone asked him a direct question, and he tried to add information because he didn't want them to think he didn't want to be there, even if that was the case.
His lack of participation was also affected by the image of Harua leaning against Nicholas’s chest, the two of them talking animatedly with K. The background words distorted, and Euijoo got lost again, wondering if Nicholas knew how beautifully his face lit up when he smiled.
Euijoo nearly choked on the thought and fixed his gaze on his plate as if it had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the place, ignoring the sensation of someone's eyes on him. It wasn't until Harua stood up and asked for silence because he 'wanted to announce something important' that Euijoo had to fight the impulse to cover his ears and run out of the restaurant. As if he had manifested his own misery, Harua raised his hand, showing off the ring that rested there.
Perhaps Euijoo had gone deaf at the worst possible moment; it seemed the whole table was cheering, and he could see mouths moving, though he heard nothing. Perhaps Euijoo had been struck mute, because although he knew he had to stand up and say 'congratulations’, 'I'm happy for you,' 'I hope you'll be happy together'—something, anything—his lips only parted slightly, and all that escaped them was a treacherous tremble. Perhaps he had lost the ability to move, because he knew he should go to Nicholas and hug him, show him how happy he was, but his body wouldn't respond to the commands his brain was sending.
Or perhaps Euijoo couldn't hear, speak, or move because he was too focused on the sound of his own heart breaking, trying and failing to hold the pieces together.
He felt a hand on his shoulder and startled, finding Yuma’s concerned eyes. Leaving the other man mid-sentence, he stood up too fast, too abruptly, his legs hitting the table and making his chair screech backward. All eyes fell on him, and Euijoo walked as fast as his legs would carry him over to Nicholas, who was looking at him confused, with a strained smile.
Euijoo believed he said something—a 'congratulations,' he thought—he believed he shook Nicholas’s hand and then Harua’s. He also had the sensation of having said something more and receiving a response, but his body redirected him to his seat in complete silence before he could understand what he was doing, and he waited for the conversation to move on. But this was important; Nicholas was engaged, so the rest of the conversation was about that.
This time, Euijoo didn't force himself to participate and simply remained silent, waiting for it all to be over. He listened painfully as everyone shared stories of a teenage, then adult, Nicholas, before Harua had joined the group, and what it meant that he had now found someone who knew him well enough to decide to share a future with him. Euijoo nearly vomited.
He wanted to tell them that Harua didn't know him like he did. He wanted to scream that it was him, among all the people at that table, who didn't need a bond like that of an Omega and an Alpha to know Nicholas as he did.
He wanted to say that he was there when it was just Nicholas and him, when they both arrived from different countries at the same school, and that simple fact seemed to unite them under the recognition and understanding of feeling truly seen by the other.
When they discovered, at the same time, that they were both Alphas but it didn't seem to matter because they weren't fully conscious of it at that age, and they exchanged scent-infused bracelets in case they needed to feel close during difficult times—a bracelet Euijoo still stupidly kept, and though it no longer carried his scent, he still felt the weight of his companionship on his chest.
He wanted to scream that it was he who was there the night Nicholas discovered his passion for fashion and used Euijoo as his mannequin; how he could still feel the pinpricks on his skin, which had drawn many joking 'ouches' from him, just because he liked to tease him, and the countless 'I'm sorry, but you told me you'd support me and I don't have money for a mannequin, so you have to endure it' that he had heard and smiled at, delighted, in response.
The night he finally understood, with Nicholas concentrated on reading a book in front of him, that what they had could never work because they were both Alphas and such a thing went against nature. But when Nicholas caught him staring and simply smiled as if only the two of them mattered, Euijoo couldn't have cared less about nature.
How Nicholas was the reason Euijoo started drawing, to convey what he felt when words choked in his throat.
How, once, in one of their many moments in Euijoo’s room, Nicholas confessed he hated being called Nicho, but for some reason, he liked it when Euijoo called him Nico.
So many memories passed before Euijoo’s eyes like a torturous flashback, refusing to leave his lips and be shared with the rest because he was selfish enough to keep that Nicholas all to himself. The idea of someone else knowing him so intimately, as if someone had looted his own Pandora's box and snatched the only thing that was his to keep, turning it into an eternal promise materialized in a ring that didn't include him, was as painful as it was nauseating.
Euijoo stood up slowly, trying not to interrupt the still-animated conversations, and stepped out onto the restaurant's terrace. He felt his pockets and pulled out a cigarette box, and with trembling fingers—not precisely from the night's chill—took one out and brought it to his lips.
He never smoked, only when he felt a situation was overwhelming him. It was a silly thing he and Nicholas had tried in high school, when Nicholas thought it made them look mysterious and could attract girls, and Euijoo, knowing perfectly well he wasn't interested in attracting any girls, still ended up doing anything Nicholas asked of him.
Euijoo took a drag and looked at the cigarette with new interest, wondering how even such a random object could harbor memories of his greatest torment. Even though Nicholas was no longer around him as before, in a way, he was always there. He also wondered if the same thing happened to the blond, if it was just as painful for him. He dismissed the latter thought with a resounding no, because Nicholas’s smile earlier had been one of pure joy, and it seemed he was the only one recomposing himself from a non-existent situation he had created for himself.
He felt him before he arrived, but the heat of another body against his side felt no less desolate. He refused to look until the cigarette disappeared from between his fingers, and he directed an accusatory glare at the person now blowing smoke upward. He tried not to get distracted by the image, but his brain took a moment too long to react. He took his cigarette back, threw it to the ground, and stomped on it.
"Don't smoke."
"I won't if you don't."
"It's not the same."
"You know it is."
Euijoo wasn't going to elaborate and explain to Nicholas why his health was more important to him than his own, so he simply averted his gaze from those brown eyes and focused it on the starry sky. Nicholas sighed, defeated, and remained silent until he could no longer bear it.
"Why did you change your number? The others don't know; they think you're just busy and not answering, but I had to call your work because I couldn't reach you directly and find out from your secretary that you'd changed it. Even when I got it, you still didn't answer."
Euijoo ignored the accusation and responded as if it were no big deal, without taking his eyes off the sky.
"You have it now."
"Euijoo." The demand in Nicholas’s voice made him look over. The disappointment in his gaze was too much to bear, making his lungs feel heavy and breathing difficult. Euijoo would blame the cold for that tonight.
He raised his hand and placed two fingers on Nicholas’s brow. The other man brushed his hand away irritably, but before he could pull back, Euijoo caught his wrist, pushing up Nicholas’s jacket sleeve. His mind went blank when he saw the simple blue thread bracelet on his wrist, and he barely managed to whisper, "You still have it."
"I would never take it off."
The new accusation echoed in the suddenly reduced space between them. Euijoo ran his fingers over the bracelet, and if Nicholas noticed how Euijoo’s scent intensified—a vague attempt by Euijoo to return his scent to the bracelet, to leave at least a part of himself one last time—he didn't mention it. Suddenly, the space between them felt to Euijoo like standing on the tip of an iceberg.
"Mine broke, but it's at home."
The pink half-lie weighed heavily in his back pants pocket. It was true that it had broken, about two years ago, and Euijoo had nearly had a panic attack thinking he'd lost it. But he would never leave the house without it; he had tied it to his keychain and looked at it so often he was afraid it would wear out if he didn't look away. But Euijoo would never say that aloud to Nicholas.
"What's going on, Juju?"
The silent plea in Nicholas’s voice made Euijoo release his wrist and take a step out of his space.
"You wouldn't understand."
"Make me. Is it work? Is it your grandma? Is she okay? Just tell me what's wrong, and I'll help you. You know I will."
Euijoo knew. He knew perfectly well. He was selfish, but not that selfish.
"Everything's fine. It's just something with me, something you can't fix."
"But I can listen. We're family. I promised you, and you promised me."
"That we would always be family, you and I." Euijoo remembered one of the promises they made as kids and felt his world sway under his feet.
He wondered again if Nicholas could feel it, if he felt it in his chest, in his bones. If he could understand with just a look what Euijoo was thinking, even though he knew it was impossible, and that Nicholas now did that with someone else.
Nicholas nodded, as if the fact that Euijoo finally understood the depth of their relationship would lead to a resolution where they would talk and go back to how they were before. But no one but him knew not only the depth, but the complexity that intertwined them—a complexity Nicholas seemed not to grasp, and never would.
For the sake of them both, Euijoo redirected the conversation.
"The incredible Weno has finally found someone to tame him. How was that possible?"
Nicholas scoffed and smiled. "Don't call me like that."
"Isn't that the name you used when we were young and you wanted to hook up with someone? According to you, the girls and guys said it sounded really cool, or something like that."
"Now you're remembering the old times? The others were just sharing funny moments, but you can't say something so embarrassing in front of him."
Euijoo felt a pang in his chest but ignored it, forcing himself to joke, "I never could. Only I get to see that embarrassing side of you."
Nicholas smiled, as if the mere idea pleased him, and Euijoo tried to photograph the image in his mind, knowing the smiles directed solely at him were probably numbered.
"I'm afraid you're right."
Maybe the confirmation that no one else would ever know Nicholas as well as he did should have made Euijoo’s heart feel lighter, but it had the opposite effect, and he couldn't take it anymore. He looked away because he couldn't bear to have this conversation while looking into his eyes, and he wanted to make sure everything would be okay once he let him go.
"Does he love you?" Euijoo didn't look away from the night sky, but he could feel Nicholas’s gaze on him.
"Does it matter?"
"To me, yes."
"Why? Tell me." Nicholas insisted, and Euijoo could only smile bitterly.
"Because I wouldn't let you be with someone who doesn't make you feel loved, Nico. I promised you that, too."
Too many promises, Euijoo thought. Too many promises he had made to Nicholas in his own name, hoping he would be the one, but life was laughing at him, telling him in a thousand ways that he never would be.
"Sometimes I don't understand you."
"I'm not as difficult as I seem."
"Yes, you are. You ghosted me for months, and now you say something like this? What kind of family does that?"
"Any average family? Dysfunctional families exist, didn't you know?" he joked but realized his mistake instantly.
"You know I know that." Nicholas sounded extremely serious, so Euijoo forced himself to look at him. Every part of his body was tense, and Euijoo released calming pheromones without thinking.
He knew it wouldn't have the effect he hoped for. Sometimes he wondered how things would be if one of them were an Omega. Maybe everything would be different. Maybe Nicholas would reciprocate and wouldn't see this as a mistake.
Euijoo had heard of many pairings, but never of two Alphas together. And the fear of broaching the subject with Nicholas and feeling his rejection was more terrifying than seeing him marry another man. And he would never rob Nicholas of the privilege of being a father, of experiencing all that, for his own selfish whim. Still, Euijoo tried to let Nicholas know he was there, maybe not as he wanted, but as life forced him to be. That had to be enough.
Nicholas blinked and relaxed his shoulders.
"I know. I'm sorry. You know I would never say that on purpose to hurt you."
"I know. It's okay." Nicholas accepted his apology.
Euijoo knew they had been outside too long, so he looked inside the restaurant and saw his friends still talking animatedly. His gaze lingered a moment too long on Harua, and he spoke again without looking at Nicholas.
"You found a new family."
"He joined it. He's not a replacement."
He spoke as if he could read Euijoo’s thoughts, as if he knew exactly what his fear was. How wrong he was, Euijoo thought. He knew perfectly well what his role in his life was and that no one could change that. He knew it so arrogantly because he knew there would never be another Nicholas for him. And precisely for that reason, he was like this. Because it felt like brushing a cloud with your fingers without being able to grasp it in your hands, like water slipping through them, like having what you want most snatched away without ever getting a taste.
"You have to let me go, Nico." I have to let you go, is what he really meant.
Nicholas grabbed him firmly by the jaw, forcing him to look at him. Euijoo wasn't intimidated by his demand, so he returned a blank stare, trying hard to make his act work.
"Why would I do that?"
"Because you have new priorities. Because you have someone by your side, and you're going to be a father. You're building your own family, and eventually, I'll build mine. You need to focus on them."
With every word Euijoo uttered, Nicholas looked as if he wanted to tear his throat out to silence him once and for all.
"So the promise was a lie? You told me. You promised me. It would be you and me. Always." Nicholas tightened his grip when Euijoo tried to interrupt. "Don't say something you'll regret. You can push everyone else away all you want, but I won't let you abandon me like they did."
Any protest that had begun to bloom in Euijoo’s chest withered with that last sentence. So, Euijoo asked again, "Does he love you?"
Nicholas blinked. "Well... We're engaged... So, yes?"
"I just want to know if you feel loved. I promised you that, remember?"
Nicholas looked at Euijoo as if he were a great mystery. He tilted his head and admired him long enough to make him nervous. Euijoo inhaled his scent, trying to get drunk on it. He almost hated himself for having said he'd left his bracelet at home instead of bathing it in his scent, but now he couldn't turn back. He had reached his self-imposed limit of allowed vulnerability and didn't want to risk saying something he'd regret.
"I wouldn't marry him if I didn't feel it."
Euijoo hated that answer with every fiber of his being.
"Aren't you going to ask me if I love him?"
Euijoo wanted to tell him he didn't give a fuck if Harua felt loved by him, if when he looked at them he perceived that ideal love everyone talked about—something Euijoo had fantasized about until he fell asleep, wondering what it would be like to be loved by and to love Nicholas, not as his friend but as something more. But he would be speaking from envy and selfishness, so he simply replied:
"I can see it."
And with that, Euijoo considered the conversation over. He hadn't really answered all the questions he knew Nicholas had, but this wasn't a conversation he wanted to have, and this wasn't the place either. The weight on his shoulders had lessened, but when he saw Nicholas return to his place beside Harua, Euijoo felt the weight of his heart sink even deeper.
𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐝
Euijoo played absently with the straw in his drink, his gaze fixed on a couple playing with their baby three tables away. Fuma’s arrival made him look away, hoping he hadn't been caught watching. But this was Fuma, who never missed a thing.
He dropped a bag onto the table and glanced over at the couple Euijoo had been intently observing for the past ten minutes while waiting.
Euijoo fixed him with a bored stare as Fuma turned to him with a bright smile.
"Did that stir something in you?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"It's okay to want a family, Euijoo. And at your age..."
Euijoo leaned forward and opened the bag to check its contents, interrupting Fuma. "Is this what I asked for?"
Fuma nodded.
"Thank you."
Euijoo would have preferred to end the conversation there and return to work, but Fuma had settled comfortably into his chair, and Euijoo knew he had no intention of letting him go.
"Why do you need it, anyway? The suppressants, I mean. Weren't you seeing that guy? What was his name? Ju... Yo..." He ran a hand over his chin, trying to remember, with no help whatsoever from Euijoo.
He snapped his fingers as if the answer had just illuminated his brain. "Jo! You were seeing him. Are you not together anymore?"
"I wasn't seeing him. He was helping me."
"He was helping you," Fuma repeated. "Like... a friend with benefits or something like that?"
Euijoo didn't want to talk about this, especially not with Fuma, but he was the only one who could—and had—helped him find the suppressants, without the entire exhaustive protocol, being a doctor. Ignoring him now wouldn't do him any favors for when he needed more in the future. Especially now that he would no longer be turning to Jo for help.
"Something like that," he repeated, taking a sip of his drink.
Fuma looked thoughtfully back at the couple with the baby, and Euijoo wondered what was going through his head. But that would trigger an even longer conversation he didn't want to deal with, so he prepared to say his goodbyes. But a name made the words die on the tip of his tongue.
"Nicholas was happy to see you two." Euijoo blinked, confused, and Fuma must have seen the question in his eyes. "When we saw you walking down the street hand-in-hand with Jo a few months back. After you left, Nicholas was happy that it seemed you'd found someone."
Euijoo didn't know how to respond, and Fuma seemed intrigued by the expression on his face. What he said next was a thought that had taken root in his mind since then, an impression that no one else seemed to have noticed.
"If you ask me, I think he was actually faking it. He did a good job in front of Harua, or at least, that's what he thinks. But for a moment, I could smell his anger, distorted within his feigned happiness. Maybe because he found out that way, and not because you told him yourself."
Once again, Euijoo found himself at a loss for words. Five months had passed since the reunion where Nicholas and Harua announced their engagement, and two months had passed since that chance encounter that had left Euijoo unsettled for nearly two weeks.
Euijoo believed Fuma was lying about that last part, because Nicholas had shown up at his office unannounced a month ago, and it made no sense for him to have been angry when he was all smiles and cheerfulness, placing the wedding invitation on his desk. Euijoo had looked at it as if he were being handed his death sentence.
"He didn't say anything about that when he came to my office a month ago to deliver the wedding invitation."
Fuma blinked. "He went to your office to give you the wedding invitation?"
Euijoo nodded.
"But I got mine by mail. Why do you get a physical invitation and I get an email? Or maybe he wanted to make sure you didn't delete the email or pretend you hadn't seen it to avoid going to the wedding." Fuma answered his own question in a whisper, then muttered other ramblings that Euijoo ignored, as they were too low or confusing to understand.
Still, Euijoo neither denied nor confirmed anything and continued drinking in silence.
"Does Jo work for you?"
The change of subject took Euijoo by surprise. He blinked and nodded slowly, not understanding the point of the question. He was his assistant, to be exact, but Euijoo didn't feel it necessary to share more than needed. Fuma looked at him as if he were the stupidest thing he had ever seen.
"What do you have a nose for?"
"What?"
Another abrupt topic change, and Euijoo felt the last of his social battery for the day being drained. "Have you spoken to Nicholas since then?"
The answer to that question filled him with shame, knowing how little effort he himself had made to stay in touch. Euijoo had erected as many invisible walls between the two of them as possible to keep his distance. He assumed that was why Nicholas had shown up unannounced at his office to deliver the invitation. Euijoo hated how attached Nicholas was to him, or perhaps he hated himself and couldn't voice any of this aloud because he knew how wrong it was. So, he simply replied, "Not since then. Why?"
"He hasn't been as active or communicative with us as before, and the guys are worried, thinking something happened with Harua. Nicholas hasn't wanted to talk to anyone, but they haven't called off the engagement, so we don't really know what's going on. I thought since it was you, he would have talked to you, given that you said he saw you a month ago. But judging by your face, I see that's not the case."
Euijoo felt as if his chest were being slit open with a razor, leaving him raw and bleeding endlessly. There was a time when he was the first person Nicholas turned to; he had been, not long ago, before he changed his number—until Nicholas had forcefully found his way back to him. Still, it wasn't the same as before. But there was a time when Euijoo always knew everything first, even without Nicholas having to tell him; just by looking at him, he could deduce if something was wrong. But this time, Euijoo was in the dark. He didn't like the feeling it provoked in his chest.
Although Euijoo knew he had distanced himself, he had done so knowing Nicholas had found other friends to lean on, even a partner. But the shock of learning that now he didn't even have that, that Nicholas was alone, dealing with whatever was happening—a situation where even Euijoo wasn't there for him—made him feel like the worst person on earth.
Feeling his body go numb, he took his phone and dialed 'Nico' without a second thought. It rang until it went to voicemail. He tried twice more with no success. Euijoo grabbed the bag and stood up, starting to walk backward and pointing at Fuma, who was rising from his chair and raising a hand toward him just as Euijoo bumped into another table without realizing it.
"When was the last time you spoke to him?"
"About two weeks ago. Hey, are you okay?"
Euijoo turned a deaf ear and continued walking away. "Tell me if you hear anything about him, please. And thanks." He thanked him one last time, raising the bag, and turned around.
Although his mind and body were working rapidly, Euijoo knew he couldn't let himself be completely consumed by the threatening, clouding sensation. He sent a text to Jo, informing him he was taking his days off early due to his rut and that he was in charge of everything at the gallery. Then, he dialed Nico. Again, no answer.
Euijoo preferred to go home first to shower and take the suppressants. He didn't want to show up at Nicholas's house in his current state, and he certainly didn't want to scare Harua if he was there, too. He ran a hand through his hair as the water cascaded down his body, forcing his tense muscles to relax under the sensation of the scalding water beating against his skin until it turned red.
After getting out, he looked at the box of suppressants once more, as if the mere act would make the feeling in his chest disappear. He didn't want to understand why he had decided to stop seeing Jo and had chosen to suppress his rut instead. Things were going well; he hadn't felt pressured when he was with the dark-haired man. So what had changed? Why, suddenly—a month ago, to be exact—had he decided not to spend his rut with anyone else and start using suppressants? Did he want to find an answer to a question to satisfy his own curiosity and move on as if it meant nothing? Or did he want to do it to keep tormenting himself as a reminder that there was no hope? Did any of this make sense, to him, at least?
The truth pulsed in his chest, like an unwanted guest, and he felt it vibrate through every limb of his feverish body, praying the pill would be consolation enough for now. A knock at the door made him fix his gaze on it, but before he could reach it, a dying scent made him freeze in his tracks.
It was even worse when recognition slammed into his olfactory glands, and the second scent accompanying the first made his hand dart to the doorknob. A body, slumped against his door, fell backward into the room. Euijoo's breath caught in his throat when he saw Nicholas, whispering his name—or what was left of it.
𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠
Euijoo was struggling as never before to remain anchored to his own body as he lifted Nicholas into his arms and carried him to the sofa. The scent was so disconcerting, so disorienting, that Euijoo hadn't even realized how much he was trembling until he ran to the kitchen for water and a cloth, only to return and hear Nicholas sob Harua's name.
Euijoo's knees gave way, and he collapsed in front of Nicholas, though he told himself it was merely an action to get closer to him. Clumsily, he passed the damp cloth over Nicholas's forehead while the other man tried, and failed spectacularly, to explain that this wouldn't work.
Euijoo knew his actions were futile, but it was better than doing nothing. Because he literally did not know what to do. The profound, desolate pain and sadness emanating from Nicholas was something Euijoo had never experienced, and his fingers trembled, incompetent and useless.
Nicholas whispered his name weakly, and Euijoo leaned in closer, his fingers hovering just above Nicholas's skin, afraid to touch him and cause more harm.
"I'm here. I'm here, Nico."
His voice wrenched another sob from Nicholas, who buried his face in the cushion and mumbled incoherently.
"He's gone, Juju. He left, and I didn't want him to, and I couldn't stop him, and he made me do it, but I didn't want to, and I feel... I feel..." He choked on his own words, and though every bone in his body ached in protest, Euijoo touched Nicholas's shoulder, trying to transmit some semblance of calm.
Euijoo felt his head might explode from the strain, his body breaking under the fight against its own impulses, and he immediately regretted taking the suppressants. But he didn't know how to let Nicholas know he was there in any other way than through his scent.
As if an external force were crushing him, preventing him from breathing, he clung to his own desperation and misery to offer his friend even a sliver of comfort, even if it meant danger to himself. He watched as Nicholas's chest began to rise and fall more slowly, making the other Alpha's presence more bearable for them both, and Nicholas spoke again.
"It's broken."
"What's broken?"
"He made me do it."
"Do what?" The whisper that left Euijoo's lips was almost inaudible, choked by the realization dawning on him.
"The bond."
Euijoo blinked, staring at Nicholas as if he'd grown two heads and three eyes. "You broke the bond with Harua?"
"He made me do it," Nicholas repeated, his voice carrying that dominant tone Euijoo had heard before, but this time it felt different. Broken.
He ignored his body's response and remembered it was his friend who was agonizing on his living room sofa. "What do you mean he forced you to break it? That doesn't make sense. That would kill him."
Nicholas hesitated for a second before answering, still unable to look at Euijoo, who heard the tension in his voice. "When he left me... he already had another Alpha to bond with."
Euijoo fell backward, bracing his palms against the floor, searching for some kind of equilibrium. His mind was racing a mile a minute, just like his body, though in entirely different ways. Getting no response, Nicholas moved his head, freeing his eyes from the pillow, and fixed his bloodshot gaze on Euijoo's stunned face. Euijoo opened and closed his lips several times, knowing he probably looked like an idiot.
A tremor from Nicholas snapped him out of his trance. His nails dug into the carpet as he tried once more to be helpful. He had never felt so useless. The constant reminder of his greatest fear began to pulse in his chest again, and he dismissed it almost immediately, because now was neither the time nor the place.
Nicholas curled into a ball on the sofa, placing both hands over his chest.
"I can't feel my body, Juju. It feels like it's not mine. It feels dark. Empty. Fire. It burns." He crumpled the fabric of his shirt in his fists in a futile attempt to soothe the pain.
Nicholas didn't need to explain. Even though Euijoo couldn't feel it, he could see it, he could smell it. But he let him talk anyway. He had never seen such emptiness in Nicholas's now-lifeless eyes, and Euijoo's breath hitched in his chest.
"It feels like blood replacing my saliva. Like darkness is grabbing me by the ankles and dragging me to a familiar place. I don't want to go back. I don't want—"
Euijoo trembled as never before. If Nicholas noticed, he didn't mention it, though Euijoo doubted he could in his state.
"How can I help you? I don't know what to do, I'm not an Omega... I can't... I can't..." Nicholas silenced him with an unrecognizable mumble, seeing the terror in Euijoo's eyes. Something contradictory like 'I'll be fine,' 'I'll get over it,' or a lie of that sort.
The dying scent was becoming too much for Euijoo, and he wondered if Nicholas was even aware of his own odor. If he truly believed he was okay and could overcome this, because in Euijoo's eyes, Nicholas was dying and was merely softening the blow. The mere thought made the room spin on its axis, and Euijoo focused on the explanation Nicholas was trying to give.
"I had him, and now he's gone." Nicholas's eyes glazed over, and his jaw tightened as he clenched his teeth. "I know you don't want anything to do with me, you made that clear, okay? I get it, not completely, but..."
Euijoo wanted to protest, but he didn't know how to defend himself, because Nicholas was right. Euijoo had done this to him, to them, and he couldn't tell Nicholas he was wrong, because that would mean lying to them both. When Nicholas saw that Euijoo wasn't going to deny the accusation, his body sank deeper into the sofa, and his hand clenched his shirt tighter, nails digging into his own chest through the fabric.
"I had nowhere to go, I didn't know where to go, and I ended up here. Just let me stay the night, yeah? I'll go to other place tomorrow, and you'll never hear from me again. Just... Euijoo..."
"You're not going anywhere else. You're staying with me. There's no way I'm letting you go after seeing you like this... Nicholas, you are... You smell like..."
'Death.' But Euijoo couldn't say the word aloud. Nicholas saw it in his eyes, and neither of them said anything, staring at each other in silence, letting the reality settle between them in the most painful way they had ever experienced.
Nicholas was dying on Euijoo's sofa, and he could do nothing to stop it. Euijoo had heard what happens when a bond is broken, but he'd always believed the worst of it was borne by the Omega. This time, he was experiencing another perspective in the worst way possible.
He had always known Nicholas wasn't like other Alphas. Too sensitive, too distrustful, too trusting, too selective about who he let in, too devoted once that someone managed to breach his walls and install themselves not just in his heart, but in his soul.
Euijoo had always thought it ridiculous that love could kill someone, but it didn't sound ridiculous when it came to Nicholas. Because he loved so beautifully, so innocently, so faithfully, and so intensely that Euijoo had always believed no one was worthy of it, not even himself. Not even after a lonely life had shaped Nicholas until he met Euijoo. He wondered how there was any love left in him after people had turned their backs on him, and once again, he felt himself drowning in his own guilt.
A new feeling washed over him, and he didn't know who it was directed at. Was he angry at Harua, who had managed to get inside Nicholas only to force him to break the bond and leave with another Alpha, thus preventing his own death but pushing Nicholas toward his? Or was he angry at himself for having done essentially the same thing, albeit from a less committed position than his counterpart? Because, it was the same, right? Could Euijoo be angry with Harua for abandoning Nicholas out of selfishness, when he had done basically the same? Did he have the face to do it? To confront that fact?
"Don't."
Euijoo blinked down at the hand that Nicholas had, with great effort, placed against his chest. His own body was visibly vibrating with accumulated anger from months, years—if he admitted it and stopped lying to himself—and it only made the pain in his temple intensify.
"Stop it."
Nicholas wasn't looking at his face, but at his hands. The shift in Euijoo was affecting Nicholas, too, and he forced himself to pull back. He didn't want to cause him more pain. He didn't know when he had clenched his fists, but it took effort to open them, and he only became aware of the stinging pain when blood began to well from the half-moon marks his nails had left. He clumsily wiped his hands on his pajama pants and began to stand up.
He ignored the look Nicholas gave him and spoke before fully rising. "I'll draw you a bath and get you cleaned up. After that, you'll rest, and I'll stay with you." Euijoo spoke with a confidence he didn't feel, but one of them had to focus and act. "And tomorrow... Tomorrow we'll find a solution and get through this. Together. Like always."
Nicholas didn't seem convinced; the concept of 'together' now felt foreign between them, and both knew a solution to his situation was a false hope to keep them afloat a little longer. But Euijoo had no intention of giving up. Not ever again. So he insisted, saying, "I promise."
Just like that, Nicholas nodded. Another promise, Euijoo thought. He knew with certainty he had broken their previous ones, but he clung desperately to the idea that this one would be different.
After preparing the bath, Euijoo ignored how weak and small Nicholas felt against his chest. He ignored the tremors and spasms. He ignored the scent pouring from the other's body and how his own fought to reject it and push it away, forcing himself to remember who the person in his arms was, fighting against his very nature.
He ignored the grayish pallor of Nicholas's skin as he undressed him down to his boxers and helped him into the tub. He ignored how, when Nicholas closed his eyes for a moment, an inexplicable fear flooded him, begging him not to, to hold on a little longer, because he was terrified that if Nicholas closed his eyes, he would never see those brown eyes again.
He ignored the tears that threatened to fall. He ignored how his body protested against everything it was enduring and how the same blackness threatened to knock him out, too. Euijoo ignored all of it because of the love he felt for Nicholas, and he remembered just how much he would do for this lost boy who had once again found his way back to him.
He ignored the tingling in his hands against Nicholas's skin as he washed him. This might be seen as unthinkable, one Alpha touching another in this way, seeing him in such a vulnerable state, but it only served as a reminder of Nicholas's situation. Of how Nicholas had entrusted his life, or his final moments, to him.
After lifting him once more into his arms—not trusting the weakness in Nico's legs—he changed him and deposited him in his own bed. Euijoo trusted, or at least hoped, that the scent of his bed and his clothes would offer Nicholas a fleeting comfort that his own body could no longer provide.
On the other hand, he didn't trust his own legs, weakened by the strain of Nicholas's presence and the internal war with himself, and he let himself collapse at the side of the bed, resting his cheek against it, his fingers just barely brushing against Nicholas's. He played his silent, nonexistent game of 'don't touch Nicholas because it feels like dying,' and the blond was only distracted by the movement.
The bath hadn't improved his situation, but both of them preferred to pretend it had.
"Being this weak... how did you manage to get here? We live almost an hour apart."
Nicholas didn't take his eyes off their almost-touching fingers, and Euijoo searched his gaunt face for the smiling Nicholas he had left behind. Nothing remained. "I don't know." Euijoo thought that was all, but Nicholas added, "I just knew I had to get here."
'To you.' Euijoo understood. To him. Euijoo lifted his cheek and this time rested his chin on the mattress. "You should rest."
"I'm afraid that if I close my eyes..."
Euijoo feared how that sentence might end and didn't want to hear it, so he interrupted. "I'll be here when you wake up."
"Promise me."
One more promise wouldn't kill Euijoo, and it was one he could undoubtedly keep, so he had never sounded more certain when he said, "I promise."
𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐜𝐤 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐜𝐤, 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐨𝐲 𝐢𝐬 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐛𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐝𝐨𝐨𝐫, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐠𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐨𝐩𝐞𝐧 𝐢𝐭?
The days that followed did not bring much improvement, but the grayish pallor had almost vanished from Nicholas's skin, so Euijoo assumed he was doing something right, even if he didn't know exactly what. It seemed that simply staying by his side was having an effect.
Though he clung to that sliver of hope, Nicholas still couldn't get out of bed, had refused almost all the food Euijoo had prepared, and had declined to speak to him, or even look at him. Euijoo tried not to take the latter personally, to understand that Nicholas had lost his Omega, and that he, Euijoo, had no right to be upset about Nicholas's turned back when he had been the first to turn his own long ago.
He had heard that surviving a broken bond was akin to the loss of something vital, though he didn't know what, having never experienced it himself. But he could understand it conceptually. How an emptiness so vast and profound could affect an Alpha—or an Omega—to the point of having no strength to continue, to live, Euijoo didn't know. And after seeing Nicholas, he probably never wanted to. The mere thought made Euijoo's skin crawl, and he wondered if Nicholas would care for him if their situations were reversed.
He rested his head against the doorframe, his arms wrapped around his knees drawn to his chest. He watched the deep, rhythmic rise and fall of Nicholas's body and knew he was resting. In truth, it was all he had done since that first night, seven days ago now.
He stood up, completely exhausted, stretched his arms over his head, and rubbed his eyes. He reckoned he'd slept a total of fourteen hours, scattered in fragments. Most of the time he spent dozing, too worried about Nicholas, too preoccupied to think of his own body's demands.
He walked into the living room, and the box of suppressants on the table felt like an elephant in the room he knew he had to address. He had only taken a small amount, and though Nicholas was in a deplorable state in his bedroom, Euijoo was still navigating his rut. When he wasn't moving, he could feel his body protesting the suppression. Conversely, he'd noticed that the scant pheromones he forced himself to release for Nicholas seemed to comfort him in some small way, and even if he couldn't produce them as he normally would, he wanted to be able to, if it meant helping Nicholas bear the pain festering in his chest.
So, Euijoo had two simple options. He could stick to his plan of controlling his rut with the pills Fuma had given him, thereby depriving Nicholas of the full strength of stabilizing pheromones he needed to improve, effectively letting him die in the process. Or, he could continue ignoring the pills, drowning in the intensity of his own biological demands and flooding Nicholas with his entire scent, so he could heal, and pray he could regain control of himself fast enough, soon enough, to not do something to Nicholas he would regret later.
Euijoo would choose the option that involved saving Nicholas. Always. But fear paralyzed him when he thought of the consequences of the second. He didn't allow himself to think too hard before dialing Fuma's number, waiting patiently for the voice on the other end of the line.
"Did you dial the wrong number?"
"I need your help."
"Did you finish the suppressants already?" Fuma croaked, surprised, and Euijoo closed his eyes, questioning why he had called. He ignored the jab.
"I'll explain, but you won't ask unnecessary questions. You'll just give me the solution to this big problem, clear?"
He waited for Fuma's confirmation and began to explain what had happened, omitting Harua's and Nicholas's names. He didn't want to compromise Nicholas in a situation he probably didn't want to be in, especially since he had said he had nowhere else to go. Euijoo assumed he didn't want anyone else to know about this, at least not until he was well enough to say it himself. But Euijoo was desperate, and he knew Fuma would adhere to his medical ethics if the situation required it.
When he finished, the line went completely silent. Euijoo knew Fuma could add two and two and get four; he feared he would ask, but the serious voice he heard next made the tension in his shoulders ease slightly.
"He needs a new anchor."
"How is he supposed to do that?"
"Well, you could pull another Omega out of your pocket..."
Euijoo interrupted him before he could even finish the sentence.
"I won't put him in that situation. I won't make some random Omega do it, only for them to abandon him too. You didn't see him when he arrived. You didn't smell him. He was... He is... If it broke again, he wouldn't survive. He would die, Fuma, and you know it. He can barely stay awake long enough as it is. I refuse to watch him die. There has to be another way."
The silence that followed was deafening, and Euijoo understood Fuma was giving him a moment to recompose himself.
"There is another way. But don't freak out, let me finish talking. And before I tell you, I have a question."
"Go ahead."
"Do you have any kind of... sentimental connection to this Alpha friend of yours?"
Euijoo answered without a moment's hesitation. "Yes."
"Like... love? Or something similarly strong enough?"
This time, the words were slower to come, and not as forceful as the first 'yes.' This was probably the first time Euijoo had admitted his feelings out loud.
"Then you are the answer."
Euijoo knew Fuma couldn't see his confused face, so he urged him to elaborate. "I don't get it." He got the impression Fuma was looking at him as if he were the stupidest thing he'd seen twice in one week, but he ignored the feeling.
"If you're stubborn enough not to let anyone else get close and bond with him, then you do it."
Euijoo could understand the words Fuma was saying, but his brain couldn't make sense of them.
"I can't do that. I'm not an Omega. I'm not what he needs. I can't be the answer."
"Ah, you idiot. This isn't just about being an Omega or not. Listen carefully: You said he was reacting to your scent, wasn't he?" Euijoo nodded clumsily, then, realizing Fuma couldn't see him, mumbled a 'yes' in response. "So you can keep helping him this way, until the pain is bearable and he heals. It's not as effective as a real bond, but it's still an anchor he can lean on. Do you understand now?"
Euijoo spoke, completely stunned, having had no idea that was possible. "How would I do that? I'm in my rut and I took the suppressants, so I'm still—"
Fuma interrupted him, "Wait, are you telling me you've been forcing yourself to release pheromones? Dealing with another Alpha in that state all alone, and dealing with yourself at the same time? Are you self-destructive or something?"
Euijoo ignored him completely and insisted, "How do I do it?"
Fuma sighed and relented. "What is the act that makes an Alpha release the most pheromones?"
Euijoo understood the implicit message, but he almost wished he hadn't. "He would never accept that."
"Have you talked to him? About this? About you? Him? The elephant in the room? About anything?"
Euijoo hadn't talked to Nicholas about anything at all. How could he possibly broach something like this? Was that even an option that was genuinely on the table? Was it even possible? Euijoo didn't have time to terrify himself further because a loud thud from his bedroom forced him to tell Fuma he had to go, leaving his phone behind and running towards the room, a new terror bolting through his chest.
Stepping into the room, he had to take a moment to stabilize himself against the intensity of the scent, fighting the impulse to fall to his knees and vomit. It was as if the odor had intensified, and not seeing Nicholas in bed made his disorientation worse. He saw him kneeling on the floor, his legs tangled in the sheets, and Euijoo dropped to his knees in front of him, placing his hands near his shoulders without touching, afraid of causing harm. When Nicholas became aware of his presence, he pulled Euijoo into a crushing embrace, clinging to his body as never before.
Euijoo had a few seconds of confusion before melting into the hug. Nicholas's body, shaking violently beneath his own, felt terrifyingly fragile, and Euijoo could do nothing but stare at the ceiling, holding back the tears gathering in his eyes. He waited patiently, holding him, until the tremors turned into small spasms, and then into shaky sighs. When he felt Nicholas's breathing had calmed, he pulled back just enough to see the tracks of dried tears on his cheeks.
"It was a nightmare," he explained in a whisper. "They're always about losing something... someone. Normally, when I wake up and see you, I can breathe. But this time, when I woke up and didn't see you..." Nicholas swallowed visibly and connected his desolate gaze with Euijoo's already troubled one.
"I didn't know, I'm sorry, I was on the phone."
"It's okay."
"No, it's not. Nothing about this is okay, Nicholas. I..." Fuma's words echoed in his mind, and he tried to calm his breathing. "I talked to Fuma."
"About what?"
"About your situation. I didn't say it was you," he hurried to add. "I just wanted help because I... I don't know what else to do."
"What did he say?"
Still in his arms, Euijoo didn't want to let him go, and Nicholas seemed to have no intention of pulling away. It wasn't as if he could, anyway, because in a way, Euijoo was the one still keeping him alive. Nicholas rested his sweaty forehead on Euijoo's chest, and Euijoo slid his hands under the other's shirt, tracing a path down his back with his fingertips, distracting Nicholas from the fact that Euijoo wasn't producing as many pheromones as he usually did when they were alone. Before, he'd had his bed and his clothes to hide behind a little more, but now, being this close after months, Euijoo feared Nicholas might have a moment of lucidity and realize something was off with him. Nicholas knew how Euijoo's rut worked, how intense it was for him and how long it lasted compared to others.
And Euijoo knew it was nearing its end, and every part of his body screamed with a pain he had never experienced, compounded by the disordered emotions he'd had to grapple with while being near Nicholas. Euijoo felt his body demanding something, but he didn't know exactly what. He was barely making the effort to be aware of his surroundings, feeling himself falling faster and more violently toward a loss of control.
He could definitely feel his body reacting—to Nicholas's scent, to his proximity—not as an Omega would to its Alpha, but as Euijoo did to Nicholas. An internal war between pulling away and clinging tighter raged within him. So, Euijoo tried to distract himself by telling Nicholas about his conversation with Fuma, fighting not to fall apart in the process and struggling to relay all the details. When he reached the part he feared the most, he left the message open to interpretation.
Nicholas lifted his face and looked at Euijoo with a furrowed brow. "How would you do that?"
Euijoo placed his fingers on the space between Nicholas's eyebrows to smooth it, as he always did, while simultaneously moving his other hand down Nicholas's spine in a straight line, coming to rest on the small of his back, and pressing. Nicholas's whole body tensed at the touch, and understanding dawned in his eyes. Before Nicholas could say anything else, Euijoo spoke first.
"If this is the only way I can be useful to you, I would do it if it means keeping you alive. Only if you'll accept me, of course. If not, I'll find someone better qualified than me to help you."
Nicholas looked at Euijoo as if he were seeing him for the first time in his life.
"You considered it as a possibility?"
"If it means you'll be okay, yes."
"Would it work like a bond? Would we be connected?"
"Not connected. Not like you were with... him." The mention of Harua darkened Nicholas's gaze, and the atmosphere grew heavy. Euijoo waited for the familiar scent of distress to hit him, but he perceived nothing that wasn't already there between them, so he continued. "But it would help you carry the pain, as if I were a crutch. That way, when you can manage it and live with it, you can walk on your own. It's just a momentary solution, so you can get up now, and continue on your own, without me."
"I know I was caught up in some shit I wasn't fully aware of, and my memories aren't the best, but I remember you said you'd stay with me." The accusatory tone reminded him of the old Nicholas, and Euijoo couldn't help but smile.
The anguish in his chest loosened as he savored Nicholas's small smile, and he spoke with an animation he thought had died within him. "I'm not going anywhere. I'd just... be watching you from a distance? Making sure you don't fall? And if you do, I'd be close enough to catch you."
"How do we do it? I've never been... beneath."
Euijoo blinked and pulled back slightly. "Wait, are you seriously considering it?"
"Didn't you, as well? Even so... I'm not sure yet. Can I have a moment to think about it better?" Euijoo nodded and tried to get up to leave him alone, but Nicholas stopped him. "I don't remember telling you to leave."
For a minuscule, tiny, significant moment, Euijoo had forgotten that Nicholas was also an Alpha, and he only became aware of that fact by how his body stiffened at his demand. He fought the impulse to pull away and stand up, but only moved back enough to stop feeling the heat of Nicholas's body, leaving his arms limp at his sides.
Nicholas placed his trembling hands on his own lap and stared at his palms for what felt like an eternity. "Are you aware of what it means to let you do that to me?"
Euijoo wanted to tell him that perhaps he was the one who wasn't aware, by letting Euijoo step forward and experience the closest thing to a waking dream. But Euijoo wasn't going to overwhelm him with any of that, so he simply replied, 'Yes.'
"You can't push me away after this, Euijoo. I'm being completely serious."
"I wasn't planning on it anyway."
"You did it once. How could I trust that you wouldn't do it again?"
"Trust blindly, like you did when you knocked on my door a week ago. It's the last leap of faith I'm asking you to take."
Euijoo knew how important it was to Nicholas. Trust, promises, keeping your word and fulfilling it, devotion, loyalty. He knew because Nicholas had never grown up with those things and had only built that foundation once he felt safe with Euijoo. Maybe Euijoo had derailed for a moment, clouded by fear, but now he clung to it as if his life depended on it. He had realized, during these days of silence with his thoughts and Nicholas's slow breathing, that hiding and running away was like sweeping garbage under the rug. You couldn't see it, but it was still there.
Perhaps that was the realization Nicholas saw when he searched for confidence in Euijoo's eyes, and Juju remained as serene as possible, waiting for Nico to jump so he could catch him.
"Are you... rough?"
Euijoo blinked, feeling like a madman, lost in the shock of hearing Nicholas say those words aloud. "I'll restrain myself. I'll make it as painless as possible for you."
Euijoo had to. He had no other choice. He would have to fight three times as hard not to hurt him and battle the instinct that increasingly threatened to devour him. He had to do it because this wasn't about him; it was about helping Nicholas, and in a way, helping himself, because if he continued coexisting with that scent, he feared he would cut his nose.
Nicholas brushed his fingers against Euijoo's and intertwined them with his own. Euijoo allowed himself a second of hesitation before gathering Nicholas back into his arms, feeling the other man wrap his legs around his hips and cling, trembling, to his neck. Euijoo whispered one last, silent plea to his own body, begging it to hold on just a little longer before collapsing, and deposited Nicholas onto the mattress, with Euijoo rising over him, positioned firmly between his legs.
Euijoo drank in the sight Nicholas presented. He had seen every facet of him, and the past week he had held him in his arms, so vulnerable, but it was nothing compared to having him like this—spread beneath him, a mere breath away from the heart of him.
Euijoo began to wonder what it would be like if Nicholas weren't so vulnerable, but in this same situation. Would Nicholas fight him for dominance? Would Euijoo fight back? The idea of a clash of authority exploding between them made his skin burn with anticipation. Would he be capable of giving that power to Nicholas over him? The idea itself was intriguing; he knew with certainty that he would let Nicholas have control over him, it was something he had accepted a long, long time ago. But he wouldn't surrender so easily, because the thought of making him fight for it was thrilling.
Euijoo also surprised himself by thinking that he wouldn't mind being beneath, but only when it came to Nicholas. He would never let anyone else in that way; he didn't even let them into his life. So the alternative was simply unimaginable. He wondered if he would ever get a second chance to feel Nicholas like this, though deep down he knew this was only happening because of the perilous situation they were in.
"I don't know what to do," Nicholas admitted in a burst of vulnerability.
Euijoo didn't either. His body began to move without his consent, and he nearly drowned in the realization of how quickly he was losing control. He forced himself to focus, pulled his shirt over his head, placed both hands beside Nicholas to brace himself, and rubbed his nose against Nicholas's cheek. He continued his path downward, towards his neck, where the nauseating scent threatened to suffocate him, and he didn't know exactly what to do. He didn't know whether to bite, lick, or kiss. So he simply pressed himself against the skin, unsure if it could be called a kiss, and felt Nicholas tremble beneath his body.
Euijoo closed his eyes and concentrated on Nicholas's scent. Not on the sadness, despair, grief, emptiness, and darkness that flooded it. He concentrated on the damp earth, the rain, and above all, the scent of strawberries that had filled Euijoo's nostrils for as long as he could remember. To Euijoo, this new layer was unfamiliar, yet somehow it reminded him of a young Nico after his arrival in an unknown country, who had smelled only of anger and distrust.
He had captivated the young Juju immediately, because how was it possible that someone smelled like Euijoo's mother had before she abandoned him with his grandmother? Did that little boy know where his mother was? Did he smell like that because he had been with her? What a surprise it was when he realized the answer was no, but he still didn't walk away. Not until Nicholas was all damp earth, rain, and strawberries.
Lost in his thoughts, Euijoo set about undressing and dismantling Nicholas with a touch that was both sensitive and firm, and Nicholas seemed mesmerized, letting him do whatever he wanted. Euijoo couldn't bear the intensity of Nicholas's gaze, so he stopped it at his lips. Nicholas's body visibly tensed, and Euijoo didn't want to think too much about that reaction.
Did Nicholas not want to be kissed by him? Was that something more intimate than having sex with him? Was that the line? Would Nicholas not allow him to cross it? Would Euijoo even allow himself to?
"Euijoo." Him calling his name pulled him from his thoughts, and he realized he had frozen, staring at Nicholas's lips.
Before the blond could say anything, the brunet lowered his head and began to kiss Nicholas's body. He made sure to massage, lick, and kiss every exposed patch of skin he found. Euijoo had to remember why they were here, doing this. So without removing his lips from his skin, he reached for the lube and condoms in his nightstand drawer, ignoring the question in Nicholas's eyes.
‘Why did he have those so readily accessible?’ Perhaps that was what he was wondering, but Euijoo wouldn't give him time to answer as he removed his boxers, leaving him completely naked beneath him. Nicholas's body visibly shuddered, and Euijoo froze, hyper-aware of what he was seeing.
Nicholas's entrance wasn't visible, because it was pressed against the bulge between Euijoo's legs. With both legs spread open, his cock was exposed, and Euijoo fought every impulse that begged him to take it and play with it. Because he had only one task, and he had to finish it before he lost himself completely.
He dragged his gaze up Nicholas's body, which seemed like an inverted triangle, and Euijoo refused to think too much about what it would be like to grab Nicholas by his tiny waist and thrust into him until he broke. He moved up to his chest, dotted with tiny red marks thanks to Euijoo, until their eyes connected, and Euijoo could smell it.
It almost felt like a relief to smell his own scent again amidst so much sadness, despair, grief, emptiness, and darkness. But it wasn't enough, because the other scent was still there, so he had to try harder, because he wanted the damp earth, the rain, and the strawberries back.
"What?" Nicholas breathed.
Euijoo didn't know what he was asking exactly, so he didn't know how to respond. Instead, he swallowed and forced himself to speak, ignoring how hoarse his voice was. "Relax your body, so I can prepare you first before I..." Euijoo choked on the word, unable to say it aloud. Still, Nicholas understood.
"I'm weak. I don't think I have the strength to resist you anyway."
Euijoo nodded, coating his fingers with lube, trembling with anticipation. "I'm going to put the first finger in then."
He didn't know what Nicholas detected in his voice, but he spoke with a confidence Euijoo didn't feel. "It's okay, Euijoo. Just do it."
Euijoo nodded again, completely mute, as if his tongue were a dead weight in his mouth. He held his breath as he watched his finger disappear inside Nicholas, and the other man gripped his arm. Euijoo thought he was going to push him away, but it was merely a reflex, as Nicholas used his other hand to cover his own mouth.
Euijoo blinked, mesmerized by the image, by the pressure of Nicholas's walls around his finger, knowing an Alpha's body wasn't conditioned to receive but to give, and somehow Euijoo was about to change that. He waited for Nicholas's body to relax, leaned over him once more, and Nico removed the hand from his mouth to cling to Juju's neck.
He began to move his finger, and Nicholas closed his eyes, pressing his lips together and tilting his head back slightly. Euijoo savored the image, licking his own lips, before sliding a second finger in without warning. Nicholas's eyes flew open, and he choked back what sounded like a groan.
"I need to prepare you," Euijoo justified.
"Yeah, no, I know... just... wait." The words came out as breathless babbles, and Euijoo waited. "Keep going."
Euijoo began with slow movements, testing uncharted territory, stretching his fingers to prepare Nicholas's body to receive a third. When the intensity escalated, when the air filled with choked moans against Euijoo's ear, his back burning from how desperately Nicholas was clinging to him, Euijoo felt the reins of his control slipping.
"I need to do it. Now."
Nicholas nodded and said something, or Euijoo thought he had said something, but all he could hear was a ringing in his ears, a pressure in his temples as he focused on finding the condom and trying to tear it open. His fingers were visibly trembling, and he had to be quick. He had to do it now because he didn't want Nicholas's entrance to tighten back up after the stimulation, especially knowing an Alpha's body didn't function like an Omega's. Euijoo had to be fast because he didn't want to hurt Nicholas, he had to…
A hand snatched the condom from his shaking fingers. He watched as Nicholas brought it to his lips and tore the packet open with his teeth, his gaze never leaving Euijoo's. "Let me help you." And he watched, torturously, as Nicholas sheathed him and lay back down.
He forced himself into position over him, lining himself up at his entrance, his eyes locked on the blond. Using both hands to part Nicholas's legs further, he began to push inside. It took several minutes, several ragged sighs, several guttural groans from Nicholas, for him to sink in completely, and Euijoo had to take a moment, trembling violently. Also, because Nicholas needed to grow accustomed to him.
"Oh, wow, Juju. This shit hurts, and it burns, and it's so uncomfortable…"
"I'm sorry, I tried… I tried to make it easier for you… Should I—?"
"Don't you dare move, god." He tightened his legs around Euijoo's hips, trapping him inside. "Just… give me a moment."
Euijoo hid his face in the crook of Nicholas's neck. It was damp earth, rain, and strawberries. So many strawberries. It was a vast field where he could run and feel the wind against his face. It was no longer just sadness and desolation and confusion, and most importantly; it felt like home. Euijoo could do nothing but smile against Nicholas's skin. Home, home, home. Euijoo could touch him and feel him and smell him, and he wondered if there was anything better than this. It was for him, and it was his, or at least he could believe it in that moment.
"You can… move now."
And Euijoo needed no further invitation. It was slow, deep, savage, and it stole the breath from both of them. It took Euijoo a moment too long to recompose himself.
"Fuck, Juju, don't stop."
And then it was unhinged, insane, reckless, maddening. It was everything at once, and Euijoo felt himself falling as he was given the freedom to thrust into Nicholas, trying not to hurt him, but satisfying the primal demands of his own body.
It was all choked growls and scratches and Nicholas fighting beneath him, writhing, and Euijoo pinning Nicholas's hands above his head to immobilize him. It was their noses bumping and their lips brushing without kissing. It was Euijoo freeing one of his hands from his grip to hike Nicholas's leg higher, allowing himself deeper access.
It was Nicholas struggling to break free and digging his nails into Euijoo's back, drawing blood. It was Euijoo letting him do it because he had never experienced a sensation so maddening in his life. It was brute and firm and strong and decisive, it was the look of raw arousal in Nicholas's eyes that Euijoo had never seen in his life.
It was his name tumbling incessantly from Nicholas's lips, it was the prayer Euijoo was whispering against his skin. It was damp earth and rain and strawberries. But then, suddenly, it was oranges, mint, and a sensation of intoxicating warmth. It was the scent of Euijoo and Nicholas. It was strawberries and oranges, mint and damp earth, rain and warmth. It was a scent Euijoo didn't recognize but one that made his entire body react, hissing at the new aroma. Nicholas had caught it too, and his moans caught in his throat.
It was everything and nothing. It was everything and too much. It was everything he had ever wanted. It was seconds and minutes and hours and days and years. Years, years, years. So many years of waiting and imbalance and hopelessness. But now, everything felt like life and stability and hope.
It was love and repressed desire unleashed. It was so good, good, good. And it felt so right, right, right. And there were confusing and repetitive words. It was "Oh, god, Nicholas," so many times that he felt himself collapsing. He felt dizzy between emotions and sensations and scents—old ones, unwanted ones that were fading away, new ones that were flooding everything.
It was tears and it was sighs. It was one final, desperate thrust and a last, shuddering spasm. And it was Euijoo collapsing onto Nicholas's body—his Nicholas—feeling more whole and complete than he had ever felt in his life.