Chapter 1: Fields of Violet
Notes:
So here we go, our first HDG fic! This one is going to be pretty long, and we are pretty rusty with our writing. So our writing should improve with time! Please leave us feedback. Just be nice, please!
Thank you to Caedis, Katpulp and Juniperus_smol for beta reading!
Content Warnings for this chapter:
Minor Self Harm
And the following, yet these two will be prevalent through most of the story.
Panic Attacks
Dissociation
Chapter Text
MOURNING GLORIES.
CHAPTER 1: FIELDS OF VIOLET.
Alexander woke up with a jolt in his chest, had they finally reached their destination? His body ached as the lumpy mattress beneath him jostled. He sat up slowly and steadily so as to not hit the bunk of the person stationed above him. His feet gently tapped against the sheet metal floor as he quietly pulled himself out of bed.
The dim yellow lights flickered as Alex walked into the narrow hall of the Icebreaker. His hand slid along the rough, rusted metal causing a shiver to travel up his arm as he recoiled in disgust. Music played quietly throughout the ship, garbled, AI generated garbage. The only stuff the Captain was willing to play, the garbled vocals and misshapen tones were grating on the ears.
It was scarcely a minute’s walk to reach the bridge, and it wasn’t long before he was standing next to Captain Havelock, the grizzled old man who commanded this vessel. The Captain was sitting in his command chair, staring out at the view before them as he pulled himself to his feet.
Havelock was a man well into his sixties, whose look alone gave off an air of experience. A long faded scar traveled down his right cheek, and his foggy gaze seemed to stare off without a thought in the world. He retrieved a cigar from his desk, the orange flicker of his lighter spread across the darkened bridge as he took a drag off though synthetic tobacco.
“Beautiful, isn’t she?” The Captain was the first to speak, as he gestured at the modest sized-window. His cigar filled the room with a sickly-sweet smelling smoke, like grasses and flowers and the ever present aroma of burning plastic.
Alexander’s mind went silent, as he took in the sight of Elispura. The planet command had sent them to survey. It was more beautiful than words could describe. His breath paused in his throat as he tried to process the Captain’s words.
Elispura was a planet on the Accord’s radar for a while, a superearth barely outside the reaches of their current territory. The entirety of its surface was covered in tall, purple grasses of various shades. A foggy yellow-red haze surrounded the planet in an ethereal mist, the atmosphere just being clear enough to make out the massive crater-lake which covered a large area near the equator, a shade of pristine blue no ocean on any other planet he had visited could ever hope to replicate.
“The plants… Ceres mentioned they were purple because of… …retinal? That was it right?” Alexander asked, looking up at the Captain's stoic face. “I… …I never saw plants like that on Terra.”
The Captain shrugged, taking a drag off the cigar he had planted between his lips. Havelock was always smoking those things. Alex had forced himself to get used to the stench, though he still found himself coughing when Havelock blew smoke directly at him. Paying no mind to his obvious discomfort.
Alexander, thinking of an excuse to escape to relatively cleaner air, asked, “You think I should wake the others?”
The Captain nodded idly, making a grunt as he returned to gazing upon Elispura. Alex didn’t wait for further orders, escaping Havelock’s hotbox the only thing currently on his mind.
It was easy enough to get the rest of the crew awake. The prospect of finally arriving at this middle-of-nowhere planet was enough of a reward to get even the deepest of sleepers to arouse. It had been a long journey to Elispura, and everyone was looking forward to going home after the survey was complete. A few of the crew made noises of disapproval or annoyance as he spoke loudly into the cabin.
“Alrighty, folks. We made it to Elispura. So it’s time to get up! We need to prepare to send out the survey team, the sooner we do that the sooner we go home!” he firmly commanded, as the groans of his coworkers subsided. Each person took a turn getting ready, before shuffling through the narrow guts of the Icebreaker. Some fought over turns, others taking advantage of the squabbling to snag a few extra moments in bed.
Eventually, the cabin was empty. Alex rubbed his eyes, finally shaking off the last of his drowsiness as he made his way back to the bridge. His form barely fitting into the doorway of the bridge, the room filled to capacity. Body-to-body. The complaints of discomfort eventually subsided, as each person laid eyes on the reason they were here.
Spirits were always rather low, with conditions as they were on the ship. Few rations, little sleep, low morale. Oftentimes fights or petty squabbles broke out at a moment's notice, but here, in the purple light of Elispura. All that was heard was shock and awe at the land of paradise before them. The bridge was silent, as everyone took in the sight. The faces of the crew illuminated with a pale glimmer.
“Oh my stars… It's much, much, prettier than I expected…” the sing-song voice of the Icebreaker’s biologist, Ceres Bastia, rang out as she leaned against the sheet-metal wall of the bridge. “Atmospheric readings seem well within habitable parameters, though I’ll need to get a probe down if we want to see if there’s any nasty little things in the air… Don’t want a repeat of Volsnaris, do we, Alex?”
The crew was mostly silent, though a few whispered about the last planet they scouted. Alex shuddered at the mention of Volsnaris. They had used up almost all of their medication to treat the survey crew after they were exposed to that planet's atmosphere. A repeat of that would be disastrous with how low they were on supplies already.
“Best to send down a probe then, Ceres. The sooner we get a reading, the sooner we can report our findings back to the Macrocosm,” He spoke, grabbing the datapad from his nearby desk. He updated the ship's inventory, making sure to mark off the probe Ceres needed.
The next one to speak was a woman named Jennifer, one of the survey crew. Her gravelly voice grated against Alex’ ears, making him wince. “Y’think there’s anythin’ more than grass down there? Critters and the like?”
“Nothing advanced at least, as far as we have detected there aren’t any signs of civilization anywhere near this planet. Biosigs suggest mostly primitive life, invertebrates and plants.” Ceres hummed, before continuing. “I’m going to launch the probe. Hazarding a guess, we should have readings in about thirty-minutes.
Ceres approached a panel on the wall, releasing the lock on a hatch on the keel of the craft. A small silver probe fell, only visible for a few moments before it slammed into the atmosphere of the magenta marble below. Ceres took her leave, shooting finger-guns towards Alex as she went to monitor the probe’s readings.
The crew muttered amongst each other, a few leaving as well to eat their breakfast or catch a bit more shut-eye before it was time to send out the surveyors. After all was said and done, those who remained on the bridge were Alex, Carter, Jennifer, Jackson and Captain Havelock.
Carter, the ship's doctor, looked around the room, his eyes falling upon the survey leader. “Jennifer, please be sure when you and the others head down planet-side, follow quarantine instructions this time…” he mumbled, brushing a few strands of dirty-blonde hair out of his face.
“We don’t have enough medicine to account for another biohazard, not after last time.”
Jennifer groaned. She knew as well as anyone that PPE was important, after she spent two weeks in bed infected with some fungi from Volsnaris. Two years later and she still paid for that mistake she made on that hellhole, she’d often wake up nauseous or suffer bouts of vertigo.
“I gotcha, Carter. No repeats, no mistakes. Not again.” She mumbled, under her breath. She shot Alex a dirty look, before turning her attention elsewhere.
“Do we have enough supplies?” Jackson asked with an anxious edge, he was the youngest member of the crew and the only other remaining surveyor. He was barely out of basic training when he got assigned to their crew. “Like, we tore one of the suits last time! If we don’t have enough what if—”
“No.” Alex cut him off, causing Jackson to back up closer to Jennifer. “Listen, rookie. We’re low on supplies, and command says we need to conserve as much as we can. There’s a war going on, and we aren’t exactly high-priority in their eyes.”
Jennifer butted in, rolling her eyes as she sat on the edge of a table. “Guess so. Not sure why we need to save gears and junk when we are headin’ back after this.” Her hand rested on Jackson’s shoulder, trying to calm his nervous mind.
Alex rubbed his eyes, he was in charge of rations. He knew just how little they had in reserves. Why was he the only one who understood that emergencies happened? God forbid the jump-drive fails and they have no rations remaining, or they run into a threat out here. After what the supervisor told him—
He hated being such a hoarder, hated hoarding food and medicine and gear from the crew. His supervisor had scolded him last time, being too liberal with rations. Giving out too much food, not properly approving medicine usage. The crew already hated him enough, and now he was forced to act like one of those elites from the Macrocosm.
“Command says to conserve, we conserve,” Alex defended his actions, putting on his best ‘professional’ cold tone of voice, mimicking the detached demeanor of his supervisor. “You surveyors have a job to do, so stop questioning mine or I’ll—” He stopped, looking up from his tirade at the gaze of his comrades.
Jennifer and Jackson looked at him with disdain, Jackson trembled while trying to swallow his anger. Alex knew that look all too well, everyone hated him here. Hated him for restricting food access, hated him for restricting medical supplies, hated him for what happened at Volsnaris. The only reason these people put up with him was because they had to go through him to access supplies.
“Fuck you, Alex,” Jackson spat, before leaning closer to Jennifer. “We’re all part of this crew. You’re seriously going to send us down there unprepared because of some fucking—” Jennifer covered the surveyor’s mouth, not wanting him to get himself in trouble. Jennifer shot a glare at Alex, before turning around and leaving with the other surveyor, her arm around his shoulder.
Alex bristled, holding back tears as he stormed off to the Icebreaker’s head. His hands clenched and unclenched, repeatedly. His eyes met with his reflection, looking at his patchy ragged facial hair and shaggy tangled hair. He hated it here, hated working here, hated how he looked, hated how he hadn’t had a shower in who knows how long, and he hated that the people who were once his friends hated him.
His heart rate sky-rocketed, and he clenched his fists tightly again. He could hear the sound of wooshing in his ears, to the tune of his chest. He took in a sharp breath that stung his throat, stinging daggers of chilled air piercing his lungs. His eyes vibrated back and forth as his legs wobbled beneath him.
‘I’m not a monster, I’m not a monster, I’m not a monster. I’m just following orders. I know they’re starving, I know they’re panicked about supplies. I’m just following orders, I’m just following orders. It’s okay, I’m not a monster. I’m not—’ Alex’s hands trembled as his brain ran in loops, thinking about the crew. They used to enjoy his company, they used to like each other, before Volsnaris.
‘I hate it here, I hate it here… All I do is make these people's lives worse. Is that really my job? Torturing already tortured people? Torturing myself?’ Alex clenched his hand again and his fist went flying forward before he could stop himself. Slamming into the metal wall as he recoiled in agony. His hand pulsed with a burning soreness.
“FUCK! Why did I do that? Damn—” He let out a cry, flapping his hand back and forth as he tried to push past the ache. He could only hope that nobody heard his outburst.
‘Maybe I am a monster, maybe I deserve to hurt like this.’ He swallowed the pain, wiping away the tears that beaded in his eyes. It was just a little longer. Once he was back on the Macrocosm, he could request a transfer. Go somewhere new. He’d rather be anywhere else.
After Alex had managed to somewhat pull himself together, he left the bathroom. His hand still throbbed with pain every few moments. He should go check on Ceres: she was the only one who still enjoyed his company.
Ceres’ station was little more than a nook with some holoscreens displaying various statistics and images the probe was transmitting. Pictures of magenta grass, a photo of the beautiful pristine lake. Alex couldn’t help but picture himself down there, the grass against his legs. The warm, comfortable water. If only he had signed on as a surveyor instead, he’d get to see it himself.
“How’s Elispura looking?” he asked, standing in the doorway.
Ceres took a moment, hunched over the desk as she made a clicking noise with her tongue. Writing something down on the clipboard in front of her. She was one of the only people Alex knew that actively preferred analogue writing over digital. He figured she was just old fashioned.
“Readings look solid, however there seems to be a high level of biological particulate. I imagine some sort of pollen.” She glanced at one of the readings, making a soft noise of consideration. “Temperatures are about 23c at the equator.”
Alex went to speak, only for Ceres to cut him off. “Though it’s a bit odd, isn’t it? This place seems almost too good to be true. A planet way out here, perfect for life, and nobody has come to take it? If these readings are anything to go off of, this place is better suited to life than almost any other colony.”
He ruminated for a moment, thinking it through. “Might just be a coincidence. It was sheer luck they even detected this place to begin with. It is kind of out of the way, Ceres.” Alex didn’t want to brush off her worries, but it’s not like this was the first time the Accord had found a promising uninhabited planet.
Ceres hummed again, her pen resting against her chin.
‘She sure does that a lot..’
“Maybe, it’s just a bit strange. I might just be paranoid. I can’t imagine why the Accord would care about making new colonies way out here, though. Especially during a war…” Ceres tapped her pencil to her lips. “Either way, can you let Havelock know the surveyors have the go-ahead? Just make sure they decontaminate themselves properly on return.”
Alex nodded, his mind still focused on Ceres’ concerns. It was a little odd, command had made it seem like the war was an all-hands-on-deck situation. Yet they had them out here surveying a world not even in their territory. Unless there was something out here they wanted their hands on, of course.
He made his way to the bridge, hearing the excited murmurs of Jennifer and Jackson quiet down as he passed by. He kept his head low as he stopped in front of Havelock, saluting him before relaying the message.
“Ceres gave the all clear. Let Jennifer know they can board the shuttle when they’re ready.”
It was a few hours later that the shuttle took off, carrying Jennifer and Jackson down to the surface of Elispura. It would likely be a few more hours until they returned. Alex couldn’t take his mind off what Ceres’ had told him. ‘It’s almost too good to be true.’ What if it was? He had no idea what that could even imply. A whole planet couldn’t be a trap, could it?
The thought lingered. A planet of purple grasses and pristine water, pleasant air and perfect temperatures. Some mega-corp fatcat could’ve come out here and made himself a private paradise if he wanted. Yet nobody did, this planet was uninhabited. Nobody was anywhere near here, and it seemed as if nobody had ever been.
It could have been anything, maybe this place just hadn’t been scanned recently. Maybe it was just so far from the nearest colony that nobody had come out to check. A bright purple dot in a sea of empty inky black, covered in a mysterious pollen-haze. It was like something out of a fantasy story, like one of those space-operas he had watched as a child on Terra.
His staring session with the wall was broken as his stomach growled. Eating had completely slipped his mind. Not like the thought of forcing down another Synthcube was very appealing. Though he knew he had to eat at some point, even if it was just to keep himself alive.
He retrieved a small blank tin, and opened it. A single Synthcube inside, a pale grey cube, with a slick, spongy surface. He struggled to even look at the stuff, he’d thought he would be used to these after weeks living off them. Though, it seemed impossible to adjust to a diet consisting of slop.
‘If the environment didn’t kill your morale, the food would.’ Those were the words of his friend when he first signed up for the Cosmic Navy. That rang true every time he ate a bite of these god forsaken blocks, an empty void where flavor should be. He took his first bite, the gritty-tofu-turned-sand texture making it hard for him to hold back a gag.
‘Just eat, just eat and get it over with. Then do your work and then you can rest. It’s just food. It doesn’t need to be enjoyable. It’s just there to fuel you.’ He had trained himself to numb his mind to his sensory discomfort while he ate, able to turn his thoughts off for a few precious moments.
The world faded, and everything became blurred as he swallowed bite after bite of the textural torture tainting his tastebuds. Yet he continued eating, ‘Just a few more bites and you can be done.’ He repeated to himself, over and over, trying to push through so he didn’t regain awareness. ‘A few more bites and you won’t have to do this again for a while..’
He eventually finished the worst of it, the final bits sticking to his teeth. He grabbed his water, chugging it down and swishing it around his mouth to remove the remnants. He took a ragged breath, throwing the can into the trash. He mumbled under his breath as he used his datapad to subtract the food he had eaten from the ship's inventory.
‘Let's get inventory out of the way, then it’s time to rest,’ he told himself. A switch flipped in his mind, and he slid into his working headspace. He surveyed every cabinet, every shelf and storage locker in the kitchen to take inventory on the food they had remaining. When he finally finished the kitchen, he let out a half-satisfied sigh. ‘Inventory, checked.’
‘Inventory, checked.’ He repeated. Making his way to the supply closet. Checking each item robotically, his gaze methodically scanned over everything on the list. Rhythmically tapping his datapad with each task marked off and detailed, his mind practically empty except for numbers and numbness.
‘Inventory, checked.’ He repeated once more, looping the process until he had taken inventory on every nook and cranny of the ship. Each missing item was put back where it belonged and accounted for, each task completed one after another. Everything must be in its place or the supervisor wouldn’t be happy when they returned to command in a couple weeks time.
“Inventory, checked,” he mumbled out loud, as he walked back to the crew cabin to sit down and rest his aching head.
He came to eventually, sitting in the same stool as before. The same place he always sat when on standby mode. His thoughts wandered to home, how his mom and dad were doing. How his brother and friends were doing, and he thought about whether his life might’ve been better if he would’ve just stayed with them...
Alex thought about the war. He knew they were at war with a xeno species, something different then what they had encountered before. He had heard rumors of course, the radio messages which played over the intercoms of the Macrocosm last time they made port.
That they were horrible monsters who ate people and forced them into hard labor. That they forced parasites into Terrans’ brains and mind-controlled them. That they hated everything the Accord stood for and wanted to ruin their way of life. He didn’t know how much he actually believed, of course. He knew how propaganda worked, and knew the Accord would do anything in their power to keep hold on the populace.
He thought about the Accord as a whole, for a while. Sometimes he forgot the world outside the ship even existed. He was in his own little bubble aboard the Icebreaker. They hadn’t received any transmissions since they left Accord territory. Not surprising if most of the Accord was focused on the warfront. Though it was still worrying to be in dead silence. There had of course been times before where communications were few and far between, so he wasn’t sure why it worried him so much.
This time was different: they had never been out this far. They were far from the nearest outpost. A few days jump away, at minimum. Once this mission was over they would begin making their way to a rendezvous point. After which he would hopefully be permitted to set foot on solid ground again. It had been so long since he hadn’t been aboard a spacecraft, so long since he felt real sunlight.
He whistled a soft song, a sea shanty his father taught him when he was a kid, looking at the remains of his violin which had been shoved under his bed. Alex remembered playing songs for the crew every day back when they all ate together. He always did love playing the violin, it was his favorite ever since he first heard it over the radio for the first time.
One day, they were celebrating a successful survey on a desert planet he had forgotten the name of. He and the crew were celebrating a job well done with some shitty beer he had saved for a special occasion. It was a beautiful night. That was the last time Alex had felt something even close to resembling happiness.
Captain Havelock, however, couldn’t handle his drink. He became belligerent after Alex had refused to permit him access to another can. He winced, remembering the screaming match between him and the Captain as Havelock shattered his violin in a fit of rage. A fight broke out between the crew, ending with Alex missing teeth, his violin, and his friendship with the Captain.
After that, they had stopped eating dinner together. Everyone formed their own cliques, never spending more time with each other than a mission required. Alex never quite recovered from that night, and not long after that came Volsnaris, where everyone he had managed to stay on good terms with abandoned him for good. All except Ceres, his only remaining ‘friend’.
Alex had just started wallowing again, his thoughts spiralling down as he thought about his mistakes and the lives lost because of his inaction. Then, as the voices of Captain Havelock and Jennifer filled the hall, he heard the click of Havelock’s lighter.
The ship suddenly jerked forward and rocked, a massive BANG caused all the walls to shake and clang at once. Alex was knocked from his seat and went tumbling to the rusty floor. Shocked from his dissociative stupor as he lurched upwards, struggling to keep his composure as the world around him spun.
An explosion? Something had blown up, in the hall near the shuttle-bay. Panic welled up in his chest. Going from numb, non-responsive and near-despondant to hyper aware of his surroundings was such a tonal whiplash his head tingled, his eyes twitched as he forced himself to the hall of the ship.
A thick black smoke filled the hall, the toxic miasma of melting rubber, chemicals and some sickly-sweet odor which reminded him of fresh cut grass. A smell which he had only ever experienced through candles and air-fresheners since he left Terra. His lungs burned as he inhaled the searing hot particles in the air, singing his throat and making him cough.
He stumbled, before remembering his training. He ducked down as close to the floor as he could comfortably move. ‘Stay close to the ground, there’s less smoke and I can see more clearly,’ he told himself, making his way towards the maintenance closet.
‘Why aren’t the sprinklers running!? They were supposed to have had them fixed last week—’
A fire rippled down the hall, its orange glow sending waves of orange-yellow light flickering through the smoke. It all felt so surreal. Was he going to die? Surely someone had sent off a distress signal. ‘Like anyone is going to get here in time.’ No, nobody was coming to save them. Even if anyone had, the nearest vessels were days from here.
‘Stop being such a coward and DO something for once.’ The thought pushed itself into his brain.
‘Do something? What do you think I’m doing!? If I can just—’ He paused, focused on the task at hand as he pushed onwards. The emergency lights flickering above him guided him towards his destination.
He crawled further, his body on autopilot. ‘If the fire reaches the Jump-Drive, the ship will—’ He knew, he knew what would happen if the fire spread that far. That’s why he had to do something. He kept low, and pushed against the door to the maintenance closet. The metal door creaked as it gave way.
The inside of the closet was relatively smoke free, for now. He felt around the dark room in a panic, before finding a switch he could only hope was the fire suppression system. He closed his eyes, and forced the lever down. Hoping that engineer had truly fixed the piping like he had promised.
For a moment, nothing happened. A soft rattle was all that Alex heard, his heart dropped. His eyes opened slightly as the pipes shook violently, a rumble echoing across the ship as a few drips of water fell from the sprinkler above. Then, a deluge. The water poured across him and the hallways of the Icebreaker in a chorus of pitter-pattering water meeting metal.
He stumbled to the doorway, watching as the last bits of fire sizzled and hissed against the liquid salvation. He had no idea if everyone was okay, he had to go check on them. On Ceres, he had to go to Ceres!
He coughed, vertigo overtaking him as his stomach churned. He gasped for breath, and a million daggers stabbed into his lungs.
He collapsed onto the ash coated floor, water and soot sticking to his arms and face. He tried to call for help, to get Carter or the Captain or Ceres or—the words froze in his throat. It felt like a thousand red-hot needles were shredding his wind-pipe. A raspy sound was all that escaped him as he coughed and gagged.
It hurt, it hurt more than he could describe. Nothing could describe the agony that rippled through his lungs and esophagus. It felt like he was on fire, like his insides were on fire.
‘Hold on, hold on, hold on… You’re not dead yet, Alex, you’re not dead. Just hold on, Carter will find you. Carter will handle everything! It’s okay. It’s okay, everything is going to be okay—’
His thoughts went quiet, the world went dark. Alex fought against a hypoxic slumber, his brain tingling numbly as he drifted off into a sleep he didn’t expect to wake from. He remembered home. Terra, his mom and dad and his brother, camping, the smell of a fire. A warm, safe campfire, with marshmallows and—
Chapter 2: When Spring Comes
Summary:
Alex McCrae is heavily injured after an explosion aboard the survey ship Icebreaker. He is rescued by a mysterious entity, but does it have good intentions for him?
Thank you so much to Caedis, Juniperus_smol and Katpulp for beta-reading this chapter.
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
MOURNING GLORIES: CHAPTER 2
When Spring Comes
Alex stirred, the noise of the ship overshadowed by the ringing in his ears. Everything hurt, he tried to scream, to yell. Yet all he was capable of was raspy whispers, each noise his throat made sending razorblades down it. His fingers wrapped around a bar on the wall, lifting himself to his feet.
He was soaking wet, covered in soot. Every step he took sent ripples of pain through him, and the vertigo he felt made every moment he spent standing an ordeal. Time felt like it was moving in slow motion as he held himself against the wall.
As he pushed himself towards Carter’s station, Alex didn’t know what to do. How was someone supposed to act rationally after nearly dying in a fire? The music continued to warble its nonsense through the Icebreaker. His vision blurred, his legs wobbled. He could only hope that Carter was alive, that there was someone alive who could help him.
‘It’s going to be okay,’ he repeated, over and over. ‘It’s going to be okay, It’s going to be okay…’ The only words in his mind were those hollow reassurances. ‘It’s going to be okay. Just a little further. Carter can save you!’
He didn’t see anyone, no signs of life. The closer to the med-station, the quieter it was. His chest twisted and burned, as if his lungs were trying to claw themselves out. Everything was an insurmountable task. Every motion threatened to send him back to the cold, unforgiving floor. Until eventually, he collapsed. His body tumbling as his knees scraped into the metal below.
Alex winced as his body slumped forward, unable to support his weight. He felt his consciousness leaving him, the world going dark once more as everything faded to black. He wasn’t sure how long he slept for, this time. The world of the Icebreaker was stagnant, nothing changed between day and night. It could’ve been five minutes, or five hours, or five days.
A soft shuffling caught his attention, the first noise he had heard aside from the intercom since the explosion. Towards the shuttle bay, a chorus of voices. Soft and sweet, concerned, in words and tones he couldn’t make out. The shuffling grew louder, as he barely managed to climb to his feet once more.
“H—” He tried to call for help, before coughing violently. The shuffling stopped, before turning into soft, deliberate movements. It didn’t sound like footsteps, it didn’t sound like anything Alex had ever heard before. His body froze, part of him whispered in his head, ‘What if it’s a monster? Like one of those scary movies! What if that’s what caused the—’
A dark form loomed ahead of him, so massive it took up the entire corridor. Its body lit up momentarily, with the red flashing of the emergency lights. He was terrified, his body paralyzed in fear as his breathing became ragged. The monster approached, the light illuminating its body more fully.
It was green, as green as the healthiest trees he had ever seen on Terra. Dangling strands of pink and white flowers flowed down its body, each limb was a tightly woven canvas of vines and twigs, moving like human muscles. Yet this thing was decidedly not human, not even close.
Its ‘head’ tilted slightly to the side, its eyes flickered a mesmerizing gradient of colors in yellow and bright, ocean blue. It was large, so large its body took up the entire hall, and still seemed to trail more behind it. He couldn’t take his eyes off it, it was like something out of a horror story. He thought back to a book about a swamp monster he read as a child, it looked like how he imagined that monster would look.
‘This is the end, this thing is going to kill you.’
The monster flowed forward like calm water. He wanted to run, he wanted to get away, to scream, to fight. Yet he could hardly get himself to move an inch. He was now standing in front of it, looking up at its body which must’ve stood at least twice his height.
Alex stood perfectly still for a moment, as if that would hide him from this creature. It softly crooned, before one of its many vines cupped his chin. Alex trembled in fear, his vertigo-laced vision causing him to stumble. Falling forward into the creature's embrace, his heart raced faster as he felt his body get squeezed close to its form.
And then suddenly, it spoke. “Oh, goodness... Poor little starlight… You are okay now, you are okay…” Its voice was a chorus of sing-song worry, wavering up and down as if to the tune of a metronome.
It felt soft, like laying on a bed of moss. Its vines pressed against him like a gentle hug. ‘It’s just trying to get you to let your guard down…’ he told himself, but it wasn’t like he could do anything to stop it. He could hardly keep himself conscious, the pain in his lungs peaking. Every breath caused his pain to intensify.
“Shh… little star, It is okay. Rest your head, You are going to get all fixed up…” Its vine gently trailed along him, hugging him to what would be its chest. “Everything is okay… Gentle breaths, starlight.”
Alex coughed as he took a deep breath. His eyes were heavy as he struggled once again to keep himself awake. The creature smelled like home, like the flowers he once picked in the woods, of wet grass after a downpour. He found himself slipping, his eyes flickering shut again as the monster hummed soft melodies.
Alex stirred awake, somewhere new. Above, the ceiling was covered in a holo-screen. Much larger than anything he had seen outside of the largest Terran vessels. It projected images of a cloudy sky, and the sound of rain filled the room. It was beautiful.
The air smelled so clean, not like the stuffy, stagnant, stale air of the Icebreaker. He took in a deep breath, and sank into the soft fabric beneath him. He should be afraid, by all odds he should be terrified. Yet he wasn’t, his pain was gone, his mind a blur of fuzzy warmth.
The bed he rested on was so comfortable, more comfortable than he had ever felt. The thick, warm blankets wrapped around him like a hug. He could hear murmurs, blurred voices and incomprehensible speech. ‘Feels so soft…’ he thought lazily. His hands loosely grabbed the blanket, wrapping himself up tight in the soft embrace of the fabric.
It took awhile for him to regain some of his awareness. The process of him sitting up took a few minutes, his muscles felt like jelly. It was like every movement he made was in slow motion. His body wobbled slightly as he stood, though it didn’t feel as though he would fall over. Even if he did, the floor was a plush, pale green moss. So soft beneath him a fall likely wouldn’t hurt a bit.
Alex was wearing a large, many sizes too big white shirt, which flowed all the way down to his knees. ‘It’s almost like you’re wearing a—’ He groaned, clutching his arms tight as he shoved the intrusive thought out of his mind.
“Hello?” he called. The walls of the room were a soft, pale pink. The walls and mirrors were covered in crayon and marker-drawings. The shelves were covered in trinkets, little rocks and acorns. Dried flowers and books he couldn’t quite read the titles of.
‘I wonder who all this is for…’
He made his way out into the hall, the walls were a minty green. Flowers hand painted on every square inch, some with such beautiful precision that any Terran artist would never be able to match it. Others more shakily, with a similar simplistic style to the drawings he had seen in the bedroom.
The scale of the living quarters truly came into view as he made his way to what seemed like an entrance room. He had thought the ceilings in the hall were taller than they should have been, but out here they seemed claustrophobic. This one room was nearly as large as a modest home back on Terra.
The chairs, the couch, every piece of furniture looked like it was made for someone at least twice his height. The ceiling was a canvas of flowers and vines, some sagging down and ending in little glowing bulbs, each giving off a beautiful warm glow. This whole place felt like something out of a fairytale.
He stood in awe for a moment, his eyes taking in his surroundings. ‘What planet are we on?’
Suddenly, Alex froze. He heard that same shuffling from the Icebreaker behind him, his body trembling in fear as he turned around. Only to be greeted by that same melodious voice. He couldn’t quite pick up on its tone but it sounded… joyful.
“Oh, my… Little star, I see you have awoken! Good morning, little one…” Its vines reached out to grab him, snaking through the room like flowing, elegant ribbons.
Alex instinctively jumped backwards, pressing his body against the corner of the room like a frightened animal. He didn’t speak, his breath heavy and fearful as the monster from his nightmare approached him. Its head tilted, the six gem-like eyes on its face flickered from a calm blue to a yellow.
“Darling… You are safe. I have no intentions to hurt you, starshine.” Its voice faded out towards the end of its sentence. The soft song of worry was replaced by quiet consideration, before once again, it spoke. “Your name is Alexander McCrae, correct…?”
Alex’s mind was a whirlwind of thoughts and confusion. ‘This must be one of the monsters you were warned about. If it wanted to hurt you, why would it take the time to learn your name? These things apparently put worms in peoples’ brains! What if it already did it? What if—’ He grabbed the sides of his head, taking a deep breath to gather his thoughts. He then looked at the monster, and simply nodded.
It made a soft noise, some sort of sing-song cooing sound, like a bird. “It is very nice to meet you officially, Starlight. My name is Silex Luctoria, Eighth Bloom. I prefer she/they pronouns, and I have been assigned to be your warden and caregiver.”
Alex looked up at the creature, or, Luctoria, as she seemed to call herself. He ran over the thoughts in his mind, trying his best to process the information at hand. He finally spoke, keeping his voice quiet. “Caregiver? What… is this place? Are you going to hurt me? You are probably one of those creatures the Accord…”
Luctoria reached out, her vine gently shushing him as she tilted her head in the other direction. The herbaceous, flower-covered face shifted, as if to signify a smile. “Shh… Alex, slow down. We will have a nice little discussion, and I intend to explain everything. Does that sound pleasant, little one?”
Alex was about to protest, to getting called ‘little.’ Though after looking up at her massive height, he realized that to her, the descriptor was rather apt. “Explain,” he said, his voice skeptical. He readied himself to run, his eyes glancing around the room. Towards the large door that likely led outside on whatever planet this was.
Luctoria swiftly scooped him up in her vines, causing Alex to let out a soft yelp. “Don’t eat me! Put-me-down-now-please!!” He screamed in a panicked frenzy, thrashing his arms outwards.
Luctoria tilted her head again, back in the opposite direction. Her many eyes gazed over his form as she gently placed him on the couch. “Eat you? Starshine, why would you think I was going to eat a sweet little sophont like you?”
“I don’t know, the Accord always said that you… things, ate people. That you put worms in our brains and forced us into hard labor! That’s why we’re at war, because you’re supposed to be evil,” Alex explained, his fingers digging into his arms. The sudden act of being carried still filled his body with uncomfortable feelings.
“Oh, Alex… How silly of them. We do not hurt sophonts, we help them. We save those who don’t know they need saving… Little sweethearts like you, who need our help,” Luctoria explained, something in her voice almost sounding… sad?
“I am part of a race known as the Affini, sweet-star… We have been helping sophonts for far, far longer than Terrans have known spaceflight. The last thing we want to do is hurt anyone, I promise. Though I do understand it may be hard for you to believe me.”
Alex considered her words, biting his lower lip gently as he stared at all the decorations around him. “Are you the ones who caused the explosion? On the Icebreaker?”
The affini made a strange sound, something that sounded like confusion and consideration. “No, darling… We intercepted a distress signal from your ship, and responded.” A soft hum echoed through him, something about her voice filling him with a sense of safety. Alex tried to brush the feeling off, as she continued to speak. “That planet you were orbiting, it was unsafe. Elispura? That was what your logs called it.”
Alex went to talk, to ask what she meant, but was cut off before he could question her. “It goes through seasonal cycles, every few Terran years… The plants there release pollen in very high quantities, the pollen reproduces the grasses, and the grasses produce seeds.”
He decided just to let her finish, finding himself falling into the way her voice wavered. It felt nice to listen to her talk. Her smell was pleasant too, like a meadow after a spring rain. “—And, the pollen ignites during the rainy season. Creating a world-wide fire, and those ashes provide fertilizer to the next generation.”
Alex finally got a word in, pulling himself from her grasp. He had to get his head clear, something was definitely wrong here. How he kept zoning out, kept finding himself enraptured in her presence. “And that caused the explosion, how? We-we have protocols!”
Luctoria made a soft, saddened sound. Thinking about those poor sophonts she and the others couldn’t save. “Your survey team seems to have not decontaminated properly. They were covered in a volatile substance, it must have gotten kicked up into the air. Then—”
“The Captain's lighter…” Alex finished, and she nodded. “What about the others!? What happened to the others aboard the Icebreaker? Are they all—”
Luctoria shushed him gently, shaking her head. “The others are recovering safely, some are in rougher shape…” She trailed off, her voice wavering to a quiet ambient noise. “The sophont in charge of your vessel, and one of the surveyors…” Her voice ached, her tightly woven vines loosening as her leaves and flowers shuddered.
Alex could pick up on her change in demeanor, the ambient sounds coming from her seemingly pained. Their tones were much more discordant, like a broken record, like a heart skipping a beat.
‘She seems sad… I am surprised she cares enough about some random terrans to be upset over their death. That bastard captain deserved what he got.’ He nodded, seemingly to nothing. He was suddenly overcome with a panic, a thought passing through him: ‘Ceres!’
“What about Ceres? Is she okay? Is-is-is she safe? What about Jackson—please tell me, please!” He asked in a panic, his hands grabbing one of her vines, pleading to her.
“Starlight, calm down… Please…” Luctoria’s gaze stared at one of the crayon-drawings hanging from the wall. “I believe the one known as Ceres is recovering… Though, her injuries were rather severe. However, she is going to return to good health, with time… It would be best not to disturb her…”
“The one known as Jackson? That timid one… Hiding in a corner on that horribly unsafe ship… He is safe, his injuries were mild and I believe he is under the care of one of my colleagues.” She considered something, before looking Alex in the eyes. “If you would like, after we get you fed, and get you cleaned up, we could go see him? Would that make you happy, little star?”
Alex nodded anxiously. He still didn’t trust this strange plant-monster in front of him. Though what choice did he have? He didn’t even know where they were.
‘What if the atmosphere outside kills you? It’s probably better to just do what she says for now. You can escape when you understand what's going on more.’
“That sounds… good, I guess.” Alex replied.
“Excellent, little one! Hmm… What would you like to eat, French toast, perhaps? I am not much of a chef… but, I have a little experience cooking for other sophonts.” Luctoria made a happy melody, her body rustling and whistling like a tree in a windstorm.
Alex seemed taken aback. The last time he had eaten breakfast, or really even a hot meal at all was probably well over two years ago at this point. He was so used to canned rations and flavorless slop, he half-expected this to all be some sort of prank. Some sort of elaborate way to get him to be vulnerable. “I-I-I… haven’t tried it before… I… guess I can try…”
“Very well! I will begin work on that, you sit here and rest your head, I have more to talk to you about, specifically regarding your arrangements here…” Luctoria hummed, as she called out to someone Alex couldn’t see. “Elizabeth, darling. Can you compile the necessary components for French toast?”
A chipper, bubbly voice rang out from all around, causing Alex to jump. “Of course, Miss Luctoria! Just a moment, please!”
Luctoria nodded in satisfaction, before approaching Alex once more. She made a pleased, happy noise. “Sorry if my hab AI startled you, starlight.” She knelt, her face morphing into a facsimile of a smile.
The AI was the least of his worries, with everything going on. Alex shook his head, adjusting the white shirt he was wearing to cover his knees. “No, it’s okay… We have AI in the Accord, too. Nothing like that one, though. Seems like a more advanced model.”
Alex didn’t want to say anything, but the semi-human-semi-unhuman smile the Affini put on creeped him out. It was an uncanny feeling, like looking at something that was trying to be more human then it was. Luctoria tilted her head again, still smiling at him as the machine in the corner made a noise.
It didn’t take long for Luctoria to mix the ingredients and begin cooking, the smell of French toast filling the room as he looked towards her. Thoughts were still swirling around his head. ‘Where is this, anyway? How did that machine just… print ingredients?’
“Uhm… Miss Luctoria right…? You said something about being my caregiver, what did you mean by that…?” he asked, timidly. He was a little nervous about the answer, though he still figured getting information was better than not.
The toast sizzled in the pan, Luctoria nearly finished cooking. “Ahhh, that’s relatively simple, starlight. You were injured pretty severely. So you shall be staying with me for a while, to see if you are capable of caring for yourself.”
Those words filled him with worry. What would happen if he couldn’t take care of himself? He pondered the thought as Luctoria gently lifted him once more. Though this time he didn’t panic, he was too lost in thought. Staring off into space as Luctoria gently sat him up properly onto a pink chair.
Her body made a cute little rustle as she unraveled her form further, allowing her to look him eye to eye as she sat a plate in front of him. She looked concerned for a moment, tapping his forehead gently.
“Little star, Alex sweetheart… Are you alright?” She tapped him a few more times, making a mental note to bring up his dissociative tendencies later. “Alex, darling… Your toast is getting cold.”
Alex took a minute, zoning out a bit longer before snapping back. “How did I…?” He was about to ask a question, but was quickly distracted as Luctoria directed his view at the food in front of him.
Decadent was an understatement, the French toast was sliced into perfectly measured strips. Each topped with cinnamon, syrup and a pat of butter. He had never eaten something like this. He was never much of a breakfast person, usually sleeping through it when he was younger. The few times he had breakfast with his family, it always ended up— Alex stopped himself before those thoughts could go any further.
“This is… a lot. It’s all for me…? Why? Isn’t this stuff expensive? Wouldn’t you rather save it for someone important?” Alex asked.
‘You don’t deserve this, you’re a monster. Monsters don’t deserve stuff like this.’
Luctoria worriedly made a ‘tsk’ noise, before chuckling in an adorable ensemble of voices. “I often forget you Terrans expect to pay currency for things… Here in the Affini Compact, little star… there is no such thing, we do not expect others to grind themselves to the bone for something as simple as food.”
“Now, eat up, little one… Or else I will have to feed you,” she said, before correcting herself. “Only being silly, of course~”
Something in her tone told Alex that she likely wasn’t joking, despite her words to the contrary. He couldn’t believe it still, no currency? Did nothing cost anything here? The thought alone seemed confusing. He had heard people talk about communism in the past, but he didn’t expect such a system actually existed in practice.
He decided not to test her patience any longer. He tentatively picked up a bit of toast with his fork and brought it to his mouth. As he took his first bite, his eyes closed. It was so good, maybe better than anything he had ever eaten. It was sweet, with the perfect texture. Crisp and fluffy, and so so good. “Oh my god…”
He took another bite as Luctoria lovingly looked at him. It had been so long since she had gotten to cook for somebody. She froze in place, for just a moment, as if processing something. Her vines seemed to go slack, before reorienting themselves. She reached out and brushed a vine through his hair, which caused him to recoil slightly.
“Try not to eat so fast, starlight,” she chided, Alex taking another bite.
He was pacing himself, he had known for a while that eating too fast would make him dizzy rather quickly. He was well versed in healthy eating habits. It was rather hard to resist with how good this food was, is all.
“This is amazing… Thank you. How do you know how to cook Terran food so well? This genuinely, genuinely tastes like a professional chef made it… I—” He felt tears welling up in his eyes. He hadn’t cried for real in years. He wasn’t going to let some good food be the thing that made him sob, especially in front of Luctoria…
He took a deep breath, inhaling sharply to stop his tears. Luctoria tilted her head at him, a motion she seemed to make a lot. She seemed like a curious puppy, tilting that semi-human face of hers back and forth. It would be cute if Alex wasn’t so afraid of her.
“Oh, sweetheart… It is no problem at all… I studied how to make Terran cuisine for a while. Taking care of sophonts as they pass through is part of my job, darling… So of course, I know how to cook, and I can cook for you often while you are under my care, if you would prefer…” Her voice took on that same melodious quality it had earlier, along with something else, as well. “However, for deciding your independence it would be better if you know how to retrieve sustenance of your own.”
“I…I’d like that, even if it is only sometimes. How long do I have to stay with you, anyways?” he asked, taking a momentary break from eating as he looked up at the uncanny tree-woman who leaned over to look him in the eyes.
Luctoria considered for a moment. “Well, that all depends on you, and how well you can take care of yourself…” She had been in this situation before, explaining the concept of domestication and florets to a new sophont was something that necessitated a gentle hand. She had experienced her fair share of sophonts under her care panicking, or worse lashing out violently at the concept alone.
“My species, we have been domesticating sophonts for a very… very, long time. It is in our nature to take in others and care for them. So we have a way of telling if a sophont is adequate at caring for themselves or not…” Luctoria looked up at him, seeing a look of worry and fear. Like all the propaganda he experienced at the hands of the Accord was true.
“So, you-you-you… Do eat people! You domesticate us like cattle, like common livestock and then you eat us once you fatten us up and kill us!” he spouted, before he took in a sharp breath, ready to run. Luctoria quickly wrapped her vines around him, trying to calm him down as she cooed, her body radiating a soothing warmth. He squirmed and thrashed. Alex desperately sank his teeth into one of the creeping tendrils of plant-matter wrapped around him.
It didn’t seem to hurt her, Luctoria hardly even reacting as she hugged him closer. Her intoxicating scent, her strange warmth that seemed to defy logic, the soft melodic noises her body made as she coddled him all worked in unison to bring him comfort. To calm that fear that he had been indoctrinated to feel. To bring him peace, comfort and security.
Luctoria would give him what he needed, at any cost.
“No, no starlight… Nothing like that, I would describe it more like…” She wanted to put the words together in a way that wouldn’t scare him. She recalled what her friend had told her, something she should have done from the start. “Imagine you find a stray animal, Starlight. The animal is struggling, starving, and cold… You would bring it inside, right? You would try your best to help it.”
Alex seemed to still, his struggles weakening as he listened to her melodic voice. He nodded, though he still felt afraid. How couldn’t he? He was convinced this monster wanted to eat him, that everything he had ever been told was true. That he was trapped in the lion’s den with no way to escape.
“Well, now imagine that animal is nursed back to health. You then have a choice… You would not want that animal to go back to where they were before, right, starlight? So maybe you decide to let them roam freely, but you give them a collar… or a microchip… or something that will ensure you know they are safe,” she continued, one of her strands of flowers brushing across his arm gently.
“Or, if you do not believe that little one can make it out there, on their own… You keep them inside, where they’re safe. Where they shall always be warm, always be loved, always be well fed and cherished and treated how they need…” Luctoria hummed, looking at Alex, who now seemed to be entirely focused on her eyes.
“That is what we do, we keep sophonts safe… Most of the sophonts under our care are given independence, but they always have us to help. Nobody under our care is ever alone. Nobody ever needs to suffer… Some just need extra help, and so we keep them under closer watch.” Luctoria made a soft, happy noise. One of her many tendrils of green brushed the stray strands of hair that had settled on Alex’ face. “Does that make sense, my sweet little star?”
Alex took a moment, his eyes locked on hers. The way they shimmered, the way her warmth permeated his chest. The way she felt so safe, even if he should be terrified. ‘There’s something wrong here,’ he told himself, before forcefully pulling away from her gaze.
He gently pushed away, and her vines loosened, before she lowered him to the ground. He backed away a bit, trying to clear his head before he responded. His mind moved a thousand miles per second. ‘So not like livestock, like pets…’ He looked up at Luctoria, who was now standing back at full height. She seemed to be full of inner-turmoil, her eyes more dull than they had been earlier.
“So… You keep sentient species like pets, if they can’t handle being independent…” he finally responded, the idea crazy to him. “There is a major, major difference between keeping some stray cat you find on the street and forcing a sentient, thinking person into captivity! I have free will, I am my own person!”
Luctoria nodded, before speaking. Her voice was more wavering, as if this conversation was somehow hurting her. “Is it really? To us, there really is not much difference… Your kind tortures one another, exploits each other, oppresses other sophonts… To us, it seems like you do need the help. So you do not hurt yourselves, or others. Your kind is precious, as all sophonts are… We do not want to see any sophont come to harm.”
Her words angered him. Humanity was perfectly capable of caring for themselves! They didn’t need some overgrown plants telling them what they could and couldn’t do. Yet, some part of him did see where she was coming from. The Accord did mistreat and exploit others, he was part of that exploitation. He was exploited, and did the exploiting.
‘That doesn’t mean you want to be a pet though. It seems like you have the opportunity to still retain your independence. So do it, do what she asks.’
He tried to pull himself out of the last of that enraptured feeling she gave him. He looked up at her towering form, her posture slightly crooked. It was like looking at a tree that had been damaged in a windstorm. Her strands of blooming flowers flowed all the way down to the floor. Each vine and twig interweaved into a beautiful canvas that gave her a nearly human-like appearance.
It was hard not to be intimidated by such a tall, imposing figure. Through her tone of voice and the way she swayed back and forth, the noises her body made as she moved. It all worked together to reduce her fear-factor. It lowered his defenses, made it hard for him to stay angry or afraid of her. Yet he had to admit, the air of condescension in her words grated at him. She talked to him like he was a preschooler, not a fully capable adult.
“Fine,” he said. “I’ll stay on this planet for however long you need to determine my independence. Then, I’ll go off on my own. I will be allowed to travel, right?” Alex looked up at her, half-expecting her to lie or to say no outright.
She took a moment, before mimicking a human giggle. Her vine came up to touch where her mouth would be. “Planet…? Oh my sweet star. This is a ship, not a planet. Though yes, if you were found to be independent. You would be allowed to travel, within reason of course.”
One of her tendrils swooped down, its hooked tip tilting his head up to look at her. He resisted looking into her eyes, staring at her forehead instead. He never was much for eye-contact anyways. “Now, starlight… How about we get you ready for you to visit your friend?”
Alex froze, feeling the sharp, yet gentle hook under his neck. He flushed, his cheeks turning a pale pink before nodding. He wasn’t sure why he felt this way, he wasn’t sure why this affini was treating him this way. All he knew for sure, securely stuck with this strange creature, was that he had to play along, for now.
“Yea-Yeah! Let’s do that. I am worried about Jackson.” Though, part of him was worried for a different reason. He did horrible things to the others on the Icebreaker. He didn’t know if Jackson would even want to see him.
‘Do you really want to confront him, after what you did?’ He grabbed his arms tightly, squeezing in a self soothing pattern of pinches and pulls. He knew this likely wouldn’t be pleasant, his last interaction with Jackson was rough, and everything that happened before…
‘I have to do this...’
Notes:
This chapter is named after a wonderful song by Jamie Paige!
Highly suggest giving it a listen.
NEXT TIME: Alex gets acquainted with the Hololeion on their way to Jackson's.
Chapter 3: Majestic
Summary:
Alex gets a little bit of a fright, and goes for a little walk across the Hololeion with his warden Luctoria.
All in the hopes he can make things right with a former crewmate.
Notes:
Thank you to Juniperous_smol, Katpulp, and Caedis for beta-reading this chapter.
Chapter Text
MOURNING GLORIES
CHAPTER 3: MAJESTIC
Alex didn’t want to waste too much time getting ready, he stared at himself in the mirror. His fingertips felt numb. He always hated how he looked, especially now in proper lighting. He could see every single imperfection, every single stray hair, every split end. The way his jawline made his face look so sharp and masculine—he hated it.
Luctoria had given him an outfit to wear on this outing. It was similar to the kind of stuff he’d wear back on the Icebreaker, just cleaner. A white, long sleeve shirt. A pair of loose-fitting jeans that made him wince internally every time he moved. He knew better than to question hospitality. His preferences didn’t matter much to him anyways, and this xeno taking care of him likely didn’t care to hear his complaints.
He spent so long staring into the mirror, inspecting every imperfection. Everything that made him hate himself. Every little detail. It hurt, but he couldn’t help himself. He didn’t realize how much time had passed, until he heard the sounds of shuffling outside the door.
“Starlight, sweetheart? Are you alright? It has been quite a while…” the voice of the affini who had rescued him asked. Her tone was different again, he couldn’t quite place what emotion it sounded like. Alex was never good at telling emotions from tones.
Alex took a moment, closing his eyes tightly as he inhaled deeply. He tapped his fingers against his thumb, staring at the static behind his eyelids before finally responding. “Yeah! Sorry, just needed a lil’ more time than I thought.”
Luctoria made a little noise, what sounded like a cross between a bell and a blustering wind gust. He wasn’t sure what that noise meant, he didn’t know much of anything about Luctoria or her species other than the whole ‘domestication’ thing. He knew he felt safe around her when everything in his mind told him not to be. He knew she could hypnotize him or put him in a trance or something just by being in her presence, and that’s all he really knew.
Alex’s head still felt fuzzy, blissful. He had felt that way ever since he had woken up, but at the very least his legs weren’t as wobbly as they were before. It was odd, he felt anxious but at the same time it was numbed. It wasn’t front and center, but still sat there like a lump at the back of his mind.
He took a few moments to finish getting himself ready, mostly just washing his face. He still couldn’t speak too loudly, whatever the plants did to fix him up after the Icebreaker worked like magic. Though his voice still cracked and hurt like hell if he wasn’t careful, he was just lucky Luctoria had found him and gotten him medical care.
After a few more minutes of doing the bare minimum self-care, he slinked out of the restroom. A moment of terror ran through him as he spotted Luctoria at the end of the hall. Her crooked body casting a shadow that reached all the way down the corridor to him, he froze in place. He remembered back on the Icebreaker, when—
‘The monster’s coming to kill you. Run, or it’ll—’ His thoughts spouted at him.
Within an instant, the mass of vines and flowers flowed forward, wrapping him up in a secure blanket of blossoms before he could even finish thinking. Luctoria’s scent, that of spring, dandelions, fresh rain and grass. His panic and his fear melted away, he remembered where he was. He wasn’t on the Icebreaker, he was with Luctoria.
Alex still didn’t exactly know if he could trust this affini. With all the talk about domestication, independence, and how their species as a whole functioned. He just didn’t have anywhere to go, and she did save his life after all. He felt he should give her the benefit of the doubt for now, he owed it to her for saving him and the others.
He let Luctoria hug him for a moment, half zoned-out in her vines. He was so busy in his thoughts that he hadn’t even noticed she was speaking to him. He looked up at her, the color blue now rippled across each of her six eyes. It reminded him of the huge lake on Elispura, so serene and beautiful.
He blinked a few times before he managed to pull himself from her gaze again. “Sorry, what—” he coughed. “What did you say, Luctoria? I’m sorry I didn’t hear you.”
Luctoria’s expression shifted to one of slight worry, her head tilted to the side. Her eyes flickered with a hue of yellow that flashed like an old analog monitor. “Oh, sweet darling. You were scared of me, were you not…? I am so, so sorry for scaring you, starlight…”
Her vines shifted and pulled him close to her chest. A soft buzz rumbled through his ears and body, almost like music or a cat purring. It felt like love, like safety. It felt like everything was going to be okay. He had never truly felt safe before, and even in this moment a part of his brain gnawed at him. Telling him this was too good to be true, telling him this was some sort of trap or trick to get him to lower his guard.
“Oh, starlight… I will do my absolute best to see this never happens again, okay? I promise… I want you to feel safe… You deserve to feel safe, little star…” Luctoria sweetly spoke, her voice a harmonious hymn of heartfelt adoration.
Alex nearly cried, tears welled up in his eyes as he took in a deep breath. He gently pushed her away, letting her vines lower him down to the floor. Her gaze changed, taking on something that Alex could only assume was hurt. He took a minute, his fingers tapped against his hips as he tried to parse a sentence.
“Thank you, Luctoria… I think I’m ready to go see Jackson now, if that’s okay.” He couldn’t let himself become attached to her. He had been with her less than six hours, and he had somehow let himself become infatuated with this alien woman who wanted to domesticate him! He knew she had to be using some manipulation, mind control, or hypnosis or something.
“And listen… I’m sorry for getting scared. The last time I saw you standing in a hall like that, I was convinced you were going to eat me! I mean, no offense, Luctoria, but you are a little intimidating… Just y’know, with the height.” He spoke casually, all the while Luctoria’s vines went lax at her sides.
He realized just by her body language he had hurt her feelings. He didn’t know exactly how he knew, maybe it was the way her vines and flowers seemed to wilt. Maybe it was that her eyes no longer flickered, how she seemed to lose that liveliness she had a moment before. She didn’t respond, she didn’t move a muscle. It was like she didn’t know how to process it.
In her mind, she was confused, she had tried so hard to make herself appear non-threatening. Most sophonts were scared of her and the Affini in general when they were first introduced. Terrans seemed easily frightened, especially compared to the many, many species they had domesticated prior. She tried desperately not to take it to heart, but she felt an ache in her core she hadn’t felt in many years.
“I am so, so sorry, petal… I can attempt to make my form less frightening to you, does that sound nice?” Her voice cracked in the middle of her sentence, if she were Terran, it seemed likely that she would be crying. “You deserve to feel comfortable around me. I want you to feel safe.”
The way she sounded made Alex’s heart ache. The loudest voice in his mind spoke as he stared at Luctoria, his guilt chewed at his heart. Which worked with the toxic thoughts in his brain to create a whirlwind of sorrow.
‘First person to treat you kindly since you were little, and you fucked it up.’
‘No wonder nobody loves you. You’re a monster, now Luctoria hates you.’
‘How do you always manage to make everyone you meet worse off, Alex?’
He bit down on his lip, his fingernails dug into his arms as Luctoria rushed forward once again. Though before her writhing vines could touch him, Alex shouted:
“No! I don’t deserve your fucking comfort, okay!? I’m a monster! I just met you, and I already made you hate me. I already ruined everything, just like I always do. I ruin every—”
Luctoria’s vine hushed him, a soft whistle filled the air as she very gently pulled him close once more. Her flowers curled around his face like a makeshift flower crown. His body was tensed up, he shouldn’t be getting comforted. He should be getting hurt or screamed at or insulted. He insulted her, he made her hurt. She deserved to get revenge on him, he waited and waited, expecting the eventual retaliation.
That retaliation never came. He could hear her pain, her usual soft, graceful noises were now discordant and distant. Her vines seemed looser, like she was in a struggle to hold herself together. She held him close, he struggled to hold back tears of his own. He felt horrible for having hurt her feelings.
He took a deep breath and started to tap his fingers against his palm once more. “Luctoria… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. You aren’t scary, okay? Just… before, when you saved me. I thought you were a monster… You standing in the hall like that filled me with fear, like back then… It wasn’t your fault. You have been nothing but nice to me since I woke up here…”
Luctoria crooned softly, her body humming with a murmur of content. Her vines came up and cupped his chin, and lifted his gaze to hers. “My poor little star… I was not upset by your words, I was upset because I scared you… I never want to cause a sophont harm, especially not a sweet little cutie like you…”
Alex stayed in place before he finally leaned into the hug. He didn’t understand why she was calling him a ‘cutie.’ He never saw himself as cute, he was disgusting. Every time Alex looked in the mirror, he struggled to even keep control of himself. The simple act of seeing his reflection was more than enough to send him into a dissociative stupor.
“I guess I’m ready to get going… You said this is a ship, right? It shouldn’t be too much of a walk.” Alex stretched, ready to get away from this conversation.
Luctoria hummed before giving Alex a single pat on the head with her vines. ‘This affini really doesn’t know how to keep her vines to herself.’“Well, starlight. It would be quicker if we took the rail line… Affini ships are much, much larger than your Terran vessels, of course… Though, I do think it would be good for you to get some exercise! Enrichment is important, after all." She ended the sentence with an amused chirp, her voice had now returned to its usual melodic, choral cadence.
His head spun. How big could a ship be? It had its own rail system? He remembered back on the Macrocosm it took quite a while to walk from one end to the other. Though it was nowhere near large enough to need an entire rail line inside it! She had to be pulling a prank on him or something.
Luctoria tilted her head at him, her expression taking on a rather sweet smile. She could see his apprehension, his insecurity. It took every fiber of her being to not scoop the poor lost sophont into her vines, though she knew he wouldn’t want that, at least not yet.
Suddenly, her head perked up. She had realized a very important thing she nearly forgot, something she should have done before he even woke up. “Just a moment, starlight. Stay here, and I will return in just a moment!”
Alex didn’t even have time to respond, in an instant she was halfway across the hab. She grabbed something from a drawer and quickly made her way back over to him. ‘These things are fucking fast.’
Before he could even question her, she brought his arm up and snapped a silver-blue-colored bracelet. A light in the middle flickered on after a few seconds, a deep forest green color. He was cut off once again before he could ask her what it was, Luctoria’s voice cutting him off mid-thought.
“This, darling, allows me to see how you are doing. It will send me a notification if your vitals seem out of place and also will allow me to track your location… For emergencies, of course!!” she said, as if to preemptively defend herself. “It is for your safety, the Hololeion is a big place. I would never want you to get lost, little star.”
He didn’t exactly like the idea of being constantly surveilled. It freaked him out, but he knew at this point protesting would earn him nothing but condescending lectures, or even worse, it could make Luctoria feel bad. The thought of him making this lumbering plant monster sad made his chest tighten. He had made countless people hurt when he worked for the Accord, yet now he couldn’t handle hurting someone's feelings.
“I guess that’s okay, but can we get going now? I want to see Jackson. I want to make sure he is okay…” He trailed off, he did want to make sure he was safe and unhurt. Though another reason bit at his conscience.
Alex took his first step out of Luctoria’s dwelling, and his jaw dropped. Lush green grasses, trees of types he had never seen, and colors unimaginable. Paths and ponds, pretty flowers with petals in all shades of color. It reminded him of a tropical forest or something out of a fairy tale. His legs wobbled as he took in the sight of the terrain expanding all around him and up as far as his eyes could see.
“There’s… no way this is real.” He stumbled, only for Luctoria’s vines to catch him mid-fall, lifting him back to his feet. Her vines lingered around his arms, keeping him upright like a puppet on strings.
She softly whistled, her leaves swayed in the light breeze. “Take care not to fall, starlight. Though, I can assure you it is all very real.”
He took in a gasp of air, the ship was so huge. He felt sick to his stomach, he didn’t understand the physics behind a normal Terran spacecraft, and this was something else entirely. He understood this must be some sort of ring, spinning around a central column to create gravity. Though even so, how did something so massive even get built!?
“And… all your ships are this big?” he asked, her vines still holding him in place.
Luctoria made a sound that he supposed would be a giggle. “Oh no! There are ships much, much larger than the Hololeion, darling. There are smaller vessels too, of course, this is about average, I would say.”
‘Average!? If this is average, what the hell are the larger ships like!?’ He took a deep breath in, if this is what the Accord was fighting. If ships larger than this were on the front lines… “There is no way in hell we’re winning this war…”
“So… uhm, Luctoria! Do you know how to get to Jackson from here?” Alex was still awestruck, his fingers twitched against his side. Though, at least for the moment, he seemed stable enough on his feet.
“Indeed I do, little one~” She wrapped a vine around his hand, keeping him close to her side as they began their trek through the Hololeion.
Alex’s eyes stared at the sights around the two of them. The beautiful nature, the smells of flowers, and the sound of running water. It was a paradise, if he were to imagine heaven, it would look something a little like this. He stuck close to Luctoria, part of him wanted to walk independently of her. Yet, the overwhelming nature of the ship made him seek security in her embrace.
There were other affini walking—and entirely new xenos to Alex! So many, outside of the affini he had only ever seen rinans before and that was mostly through news and propaganda. He tried hard not to stare, not wanting to be rude. He exhaled, he could ask Luctoria about the other xenos later, right now he just wanted to get to Jackson.
Every affini gave him adoring looks as they walked past, some reaching out to caress his head. Some with smooth, soft foliage, which Alex didn’t mind so much. Some affini had much less… pleasant textures, either being too scratchy or too hard. Too many sensations, all at once, he felt himself fall inward again, numb and distant.
He shrank back into Luctoria’s side, hidden under her soft leaves and flowers. She felt nice and soft; even the bark under her outer layer of greenery didn’t feel rough or unpleasant. It was smooth and much, much warmer than any plant should reasonably be. Luctoria’s feathery fronds ruffled in response to his discomfort.
The next time an affini reached out, she stopped them, not harshly. She just spoke something he didn’t quite understand before the other retracted their vine. Luctoria seemed to be serious about the whole “keep him safe” thing, at least. He couldn’t believe himself, earlier he had hated her grabbing him and touching him. Now here he was, clinging to her side like a sad child.
‘Yeah, that's real independent of you, Alex.’
He ducked out from her, looking around him once again. They were getting nearer to what he could only assume was the rail station. Alex noticed now that many of the Affini had companions, some had Terrans, and other xenos he didn’t recognize. Some with blanked-out expressions, like their personalities or emotions had been suppressed. He shuddered. Was this what would happen if he was found not independent? His thoughts raced as he thought about the implications, would this happen to him, too?
“Are those the ones you were talking about before? The ones who needed ‘extra help’?” He asked, being careful not to be too loud.
She nodded, one of her long strands of flowers wrapped around his wrist. Which made sure he kept extra close to her. Luctoria then kneeled down to his side, as if reading his thoughts.
“That’s exactly right, starlight… I can tell you are worried, if you want, when we are home later, I will explain the concept in more depth. Do you think that would help?” Luctoria spoke with that condescending tone of voice again.
Alex groaned, he hated being talked down to like he was a child. Though he felt like most affini would probably talk to him the same way. He tried to think of a way he could convince her to treat him more maturely. He thought back to when he was a kid, his parents would do the same exact thing, talk to him like he was stupid.
“Listen, can you please talk to me like I’m an adult? I… I don’t mind being called starlight though I just mean…” He paused, stumbling over his words as he tried to recover. “I’m an adult, I can be spoken to like an adult. You don’t need to sugarcoat things with me, okay?”
He half expected her to be sad again. He really hoped he hadn’t hurt her feelings twice within the first day he knew her. To his surprise she simply smiled, a soft little copy of a Terran giggle followed soon after.
“Oh, starlight, you are just so cute!” She petted his head, to his confusion.
“Cute?? I just! I just asked you something!” he stuttered out, though he couldn’t help but blush. He didn’t think anyone had ever thought of him as cute before Luctoria. “Take me seriously! I’m asking you to take me seriously, Luctoria!”
She continued to giggle before finally responding. Her voice was light and cheerful once more. “I know, starlight. I do take you seriously. I just thought it was precious how you stuttered over still wanting to be called pet names~”
His blush spread further, his cheeks hot with embarrassment, frustration, and genuine confusion at how she could find him cute. He went to speak again but was accidentally cut off by Luctoria once more.
“Listen, darling. You are an adult by your standards, yes. To an Affini, your twenty-six Terran years is not all that much… Do you know how old I am, little one?”
He shook his head, he wondered for a moment how she even knew his age. He had to guess they likely pulled crew details from the Icebreaker when they were rescued. She smiled at him before lifting his chin to meet her gaze. He suddenly felt calm, he usually hated making eye contact with anyone. Yet her eyes were different, it wasn’t as difficult for him to keep his eyes on Luctoria’s at all.
“Well, Affini do not tend to measure their ages like you humans do. We measure our age by how often we rebloom. I am an eighth bloom, which would… put me somewhere in the neighborhood of 2000 Terran years old~”
Alex froze and looked up at Luctoria in shock. “Two…Thousand?” He stammered and clenched his fists together as he tried to process that information. “You, you’ve been alive since—”
Before terrans used electricity, before they could fly or even dreamt of traveling the cosmos. His mind spun at the implications.
“You’re ooooold!” he exclaimed, before covering his mouth.
Luctoria laughed, seeming far more amused than offended. In fact, she didn’t seem to take offense at all. “I suppose~”
Alex chuckled, smiling with Luctoria. She tightened her grip around his wrist, her giggling died down as she spoke softly and gently. “Now, little star. I will hold you in my lap while we’re aboard, okay? It is safer for little sophonts like you~”
He hadn’t even realized that they had arrived at what seemed to be a train station, having been much too distracted thinking about Luctoria’s age than where she had led him. He nodded, not particularly amused by the idea of being held like a child. Though the idea of arguing with her here, near all these others, made him stay quiet. He didn’t want to make a scene after all.
He clutched his arms with discomfort as they boarded the train car. It wasn’t like any train he had ever seen, sleek and smooth, with small plants and vines growing throughout its interior. He winced as Luctoria picked him up and held him in her lap. It wasn’t uncomfortable, it was soft and warm. It was just the concept in general he was uncomfortable with, being held here like a child, right after he had told her to take him seriously.
Luctoria's vines held him close, it was like being strapped in by four different seatbelts. If seatbelts smelled like flowers and rain, anyway. His eyes gazed around the train, taking in the sight of everyone on board. He didn’t recognize any of the species he saw, aside from two terrans who desperately clung to a very large, thorny-looking affini. Each of the two Terrans looked happy, cuddled up with what he supposed was their owner.
All the affini he had seen looked much, much different than Luctoria. She was almost ethereal, the way she moved, the way she seemed to mimic him and his facial expressions, and how tall she was. She towered over most of the others of her kind he had seen, yet he had yet to see her at her full height. She always leaned over, crooked and strange, her flowers always dangled limply to the floor when she stood.
The train suddenly moved, his stomach dropping at the strange feeling of the gravity within the car. He gasped, having now understood why exactly Luctoria wanted to hold him. It seemed like most everyone else on board was used to it, and if they weren’t, they just held onto a bar or clung to their affini. He sighed, finding himself getting rather comfortable in Luctoria’s lap, he might as well accept the help where he could. It’s not like he could really say ‘no’ anyways.
“Sir, do you think we’ll be there soon!?” one of the terrans he saw earlier chirped excitedly to the brambly-looking affini.
The mass of brambles moved slightly, in what Alex interpreted as a nod.
The other spoke next. A big smile on their face as they tangled themself within his brambles. “Yay!~ I’m just happy we get to go out somewhere nice with you, sir!”
Alex sighed, unable to keep himself from staring. The two looked happy at least and didn’t have that glazed-over look he saw in the others he passed by earlier. ‘At least not everyone here is drugged or brainwashed out of their minds…’
His stare didn’t go unnoticed, as one of the two had turned to face him, a smile on their face as they gave him a little wave. They didn’t come closer or try to talk to him, so he just gave a wave back. ‘Stars, you’re an idiot, Alex.’ He groaned before he hid his face against Luctoria’s leaves.
He blushed, realizing he was using her for cover yet again. He didn’t know how these xenos determined ‘independence’, he just hoped using her for cover didn’t count as an infraction against him.
“Hey… Luctoria?” He spoke, rubbing his arms before tilting his gaze up to her. “Just because I keep cuddling you, that doesn’t mean I’m not independent, got it?”
Luctoria chuckled, her flowers gently tickling his face as she looked down at him. “Of course not, starlight… You needing security right now is not a sign of anything. It is only your first day here, not counting the time you were unconscious, of course. Your fear is quite reasonable, and I am here for you. I can promise you this, darling.”
Her words reassured him and made him feel happy. Alex had never been fond of pet names in the past, especially when most of the ones he had been called were degrading or worse. ‘Starlight,’ though… That felt nice. He liked it, it made him feel special even though deep down he knew he wasn't.
‘Tomorrow I go full independent, I’m just still coming off whatever they gave me for my injuries! Yeah, that’s it… That’s the only reason I’m letting this monster hold me. Tomorrow will be different, and then I’ll start looking into more details on this place… Find out their secrets, maybe find out if there’s a way home…’ He rambled internally, his thoughts raced as he stared off.
A few moments later the train came to a stop. Luctoria lifted him up and placed him gently back down on his feet. She patted his head before her strand of flowers wrapped around his wrist gently once more.
“Starlight, are you feeling alright? Lost in thoughts, darling…? We’re here~” She gave his wrist a gentle tug as she spoke, enough to hopefully snap him out of his thoughts.
Alex stirred, realizing he had been placed back down as he nodded. “Ah yeah, no problem! Sorry, I was thinking.”
They walk off together, this area was modeled after a temperate forest. Trees that looked similar to pines and evergreens he had seen back on Terra. It was a comfortable temperature, basically the same as where Luctoria’s home was and the air smelled so clean. Even if these were alien conquerors, they sure knew how to make their ship feel welcoming.
This section seemed just as populated, if not more so, than where Luctoria lived. So many affini, so many other Terrans. How many people had this one ship abducted? He couldn’t think of a single weapon the Accord had that could even damage a ship of this scale. It’s no wonder the Affini were so successful.
It was only a short walk from that point before they ended up in front of the hab unit Jackson resided in. The door, which was a dark brown wood, vines and lichen scaling its surface from top to bottom. Alex stood next to Luctoria, an anxious look in his eyes. The bracelet she had given him earlier blinked yellow. Luctoria lowered herself to his level, her eyes gazed directly at his. A concerned look on her face.
“Darling, are you alright…? Your heart rate is elevated.” Her vine gently caressed his cheek.
Alex pulled away roughly, nearly falling over as the flower lead around his wrist caught him before he could storm off. “Don’t touch me!” He clenched his fist, taking a few rapid breaths. “I’ll be fine, let’s just do this already. I’m ready, so stop coddling me and let me see my friend!”
Luctoria stood there for a moment, stunned by his sudden outburst. Her leaves stood straight out like an angered cat's fur. Though she didn’t react with fury or disdain, she just nodded.
“Would you prefer if I waited out here, darling?” Her tone was lower now, he wasn’t good at tones from Terrans, let alone Affini.
He assumed she hated him now; in his mind the only thing that could explain that shift in her voice was disgust, or worse. ‘I really do make things worse for everyone I get near…’
“I… I’ll go alone, okay? I’m sorry for blowing up at you like that Luctoria, I’m just anxious… Me and Jackson were never on the best terms… I just think it may be right of me to check on him and apologize… f—” He cut himself off before looking back up at her. “I fucked up bad before…”
“A-and I’m sorry to you, too… really sorry that I—I just met you and am already causing you more trouble than I’m worth…,” drawing in sharp breaths. His eyes looked up and around, anything to keep him from having to look at Luctoria or the door in front of the two of them.
Luctoria approached but stopped short of coddling him. She didn’t want him to be uncomfortable, she felt the pain in his words. The way he seemed close to tears, and she had to fight her instincts to not scoop him up and take him back home right then. He deserved a chance to make his actions right, and if Jackson didn’t want to see him? She could bring him right home and keep him safe. Alex was her responsibility, but she did not want to snuff out his fire before she knew what fueled it.
“Very well, Alex… You may go alone. Just know if things go poorly, The monitor cuff will let me know if you are at risk. I will keep you safe, that I can promise.” Her vines gently caressed his shoulders. Her eyes flickered, now a golden-orange. It reminded him of sunsets he had seen as a child, beautiful and warm. “Oh, and Alex, starlight. Be mindful of Hirta, she can be a little eccentric but she means well.”
“I’ll do my best, Luctoria… And… Thank you… for caring.” His voice cracked. He looked up at the artificial sunlight of the Hololeion, his heart pounding in his chest. Alex could hear each thump as it rattled his ribcage.
Alex’s thoughts still felt slightly numb, but he was definitely more clearheaded then he had been earlier. Whatever was causing it must be wearing off, that was good. The more clearheaded he was the more he’d be able to tell what was actually going on here. Though it did make the thought of talking to Jackson all the more intimidating.
He turned around and took a few steps forward. Up the bouncy stairs of woven vines, he now stood before the door to Jackson and his Affini caretaker. Alex extended his arm awkwardly, moving at a snail's pace.
‘I have to do this.’
‘I can’t—’
‘I have to.’
He knocked on the door, it felt like his heart skipped a beat. He held his breath, eyes already misty from his near-miss with sobbing. He waited and waited… until he heard a shuffling from inside. Muffled voices, distant words of reassurance resonated within. He stood still, frozen in place. He felt like a lamb waiting for sacrifice, a solemn sinner hoping for salvation given from those he had wronged.
And finally, the door opened.
Chapter 4: Not For Me
Summary:
Alex meets the warden of his former crewmate, Jackson, who lets the two discuss things alone.
Things do not go as planned, and Alex has a horrifying realization.A pretty heavy chapter all things considered|
Content Warnings for:
Derealization
Depersonalization
Dissociation
Panic Attacks
Mentions of death (Prior to the story)If I missed any, please let me know so I can add them!
Thank you to Juniperous_smol, Katpulp and Caedis for betareading this chapter.
Chapter Text
MOURNING GLORIES | CHAPTER 4
Not For Me
The affini that opened the door for Alex was much, much different than Luctoria. They looked much more humanoid, yet almost reptilian in nature. Compared to Luctoria they were relatively short, around 7 feet tall if he were to guess. Lichen covered their body, a pale green canvas that mimicked sparkling draconic scales. A regal aura enveloped them, intimidating and refined. The affinis ‘mouth’ formed into a thin smile. Flicking behind them was a tail, tipped with a viciously sharp, pointed flower.
“Well, well, it seems the guest has arrived on schedule.” Their voice was sultry and carried with it an air of authority that made the hair on his neck stand at attention.
Alex stammered out a reply, unable to keep the flush from his cheeks. “H-hello, I’m—”
“Alexander McCrae, former quartermaster of that dreadful vessel our darling was kept on.” They interrupted, brushing a strand of tangled, stringy algae out of their face. “Yes, we are well aware of who you are, sparrow.”
‘Sparrow? What the hell does that mean?’ He rubbed his forehead, thinking. It was a bird, or something, right? It’s not like he was an ornithologist, how was he supposed to know what the hell a sparrow was?
The thought was quickly overwritten with worry, his intrusive thoughts mocked him.
‘What do you think Jackson’s been telling this affini about you, hmm? Probably nothing good.’
The affini in the doorway spoke again, her leer threatening to pierce right through him. “Well, little one. Are you planning on just ogling us? Or will you enter our dwelling like a proper guest?”
Alex shuffled into the hab, confused and worried. He had wrongly assumed all affini would be as gentle and loving as Luctoria, which obviously wasn’t the case. This affini struck him as pompous. They glided elegantly across the floor, nearly identical to the gait of a Terran. The way their roots and moss entwined around their head into an ornate crown like some fairytale queen…
Luctoria’s gentle demeanor had not prepared him for a haughty, high-and-mighty affini that made him shudder in intimidation.
Even their hab was fantastical, stone brick walls shimmering with glittering moss in its cracks. The ceiling was covered in glowing baubles, a kaleidoscope of every color imaginable. A few candles were lit intermittently on stone protrusions from the wall, the entire room illuminated with a flickering, faint glow.
“Will your warden be joining us this evening, sparrow?” Were they teasing him? The tone sure felt like it. It didn’t really work on him, he had little idea what the word even implied.
He shook his head, avoiding eye contact. “N-No, I asked her to let me meet with Jackson alone.” Though he had to admit, part of him was regretting that. At least Luctoria acted somewhat normal.
He wished Luctoria was with him, this was more than a bit awkward. Social interactions were never his strength, let alone with a xeno who seemed to have a penchant for excess. He remembered what she had told him. “I will keep you safe.” Whether he could even trust her was a matter yet to be seen, but that at least provided a little reassurance.
“My my, what a brave little sparrow, out of the nest all alone~. We applaud you for making such a big decision on your lonesome,” Hirta cooed, clapping two vines together. “We bet your warden is very proud.”
‘Fuck this, can she just shut up already? You’re here to visit Jackson, not play pretend with a lunatic.’
“Ah yes, we suppose now is as good a time as any to introduce ourselves. We are Hirta Hippolyta, Third Bloom. You may refer to us by any pronouns or as simply ‘your majesty,’” she spoke with an air of superiority. Hirta raised a ‘hand’ to their mouth, smiling down upon him with arrogant glee.
“Now, you may take a seat at the table. We shall go retrieve the young prince, and Alex, darling…” A tendril of mossy threads lifted his chin up to meet her cold, crystalline eyes. “If you hurt or otherwise antagonize the young prince… We would be very, very displeased.”
He shivered as a chill went up his spine, the way she warned him felt like a threat. What the hell would Hirta do if he accidentally upset Jackson? He had no intention of causing problems, but Jackson had always been sensitive. On the Icebreaker it felt like any little rule enforced or scolding would earn a crying or screaming session from him.
‘And you say you’re not a monster when you’re here blaming him for what you did!’
“I got it… I’ll stay friendly,” Alex mumbled, taking in a breath as he recovered from his haze.
Hirta nodded and reached out to him before applying a single pat upon the head. “Good sparrow~” she whispered.
His cheeks burned bright as the royal affini walked down the hall. Her body didn’t move like Luctoria’s, it wasn’t a gentle flowing of parts from one place to the next. It was so close to being Terran. He definitely could find her attractive, the way she walked… The way she talked to him, he thought it was annoying but—
He inhaled sharply, teeth digging into his lower lip as he struggled to maintain composure. Why the hell was the most annoying affini he knew the one who was able to elicit this kind of reaction from him? He wasn’t into plants. He wasn’t! Maybe ‘Prince Jackson’ was, if he went along with this roleplay of Hirta’s.
He supposed he was just weak to affection. It didn’t mean anything! Though he felt a slight ache in his chest after she left. Despite being a completely different species, she was so pretty… Why did that make him hurt so bad? Knowing that she was so pretty? His chest tightened, and he felt himself growing anxious.
He tried to take his mind off of the totally-not-attractive lichen-lizard-lady. He thought about Luctoria instead and how gentle she had been with him in one day. How had it only been a single day? It felt like ages ago that he woke up in Luctoria’s hab and had breakfast, he looked around for a clock. Nothing. There was nothing to tell time with in this whole goddamn castle.
He waited and waited, tapping fingers against the table. What the hell were those two doing? Alex restlessly twitched in his seat, looking around the room for any sort of stimulation. His eyes glanced over the fortress-esque hab unit. It was majestic, the lighting especially, the way the different shades of colored luminescence rippled across him and every surface. It was like being underwater, patterns of light that waved and wiggled across the whimsical den.
The hab was much colder than Luctoria’s as well. Enough to make him wish he had brought a jacket. He retracted his hands slightly, covering them with the sleeves of his shirt. It wouldn’t keep him entirely warm, at least his fingers would stay toasty.
Thoughts crossed his mind as he waited. ‘If the affini are so advanced… Why are they so caring? If the Accord had this kind of technology, they’d have colonized the entire galaxy by force. Being this generous to xenos they hardly knew seems like such a waste…’ Luctoria had explained a little, the whole ‘neglected animal’ analogy and all, but it was such a foreign concept.
A few moments later, Hirta returned. She stood at the entry to the hall, her head bowed low as she gestured towards the corridor. Her voice filled with pure intoxicated love. “We, Queen Hirta of the Hololeion, present Prince Jackie. Our wonderful, adorable, inestimable ward.”
Alex cringed at the introductory speech, he didn’t know how Jackson put up with this all the time. He’d probably have ripped his own hair out on the first day if Hirta had rescued him instead of Luctoria.
‘I bet he’s going absolutely crazy here, at least Luctoria doesn’t force you into weird roleplays.’
Then, he appeared. Alex’s jaw dropped, Jackson looked… different. His dirty blonde hair brushed and down to his shoulders, face shaved and smooth. An ornate tiara upon his head, similar in design to the root-woven crown on Hirta, set with pretty pearlescent gemstones of various colors. A soft pink sweater hung loosely around him, its sleeves swallowed his hands as the fabric limply dangled.
He looked… happy. Alex expected him to have been scared or angry… anything but this. Jackson blushed and gave Hirta a hug, whining as he puffed out his cheeks.
“Hirta, n-not in front of him!!!” he stammered, before turning attention to Alex. “Hi Alex!! How have you been? I see you’re all better, that’s good!”
Alex was dumbfounded, Jackson had always been timid. Yet now he seemed more outgoing than ever, held captive by a xeno that seemed dead set on pretending to be in a fairy tale. How the hell was Jackson so okay with all this? It didn’t make any sense. None of it did! This was crazy—
‘Maybe they already got to him. You saw those ‘pets’ of theirs on the way here! Maybe you’re too late and they already brainwashed him.’
Alex’s heart dropped, he hoped to hell that wasn’t the case. Maybe Jackson had just been manipulated! Luctoria somehow made him feel safe just by being close to her, but now that he was on his own, he was completely clear-headed. He just had to think of a way to get Jackson away from Hirta. If he could get him alone, Jackson would see how crazy this all was.
“Hey, Jackson. Nice to see you, and yeah… they fixed me up pretty good… I’m still supposed to be careful with how loud I am.” Alex rubbed his throat, clenching his teeth as his brain tried to compute a way to continue the conversation. “Uhhhhm… How have you been? You look…nice. Has Hirta… been treating you well?”
‘Gods you suck at this. Can you speak a single sentence without bumbling like an idiot?’'
Jackson nodded eagerly, a big smile on his face as he hugged onto Hirta’s side. “Hirta is the best, I was so scared when I first got here! But they made me feel so safe, they helped me find clothes I liked wearing and made my bed perfect for me and and and—”
“Slow down, little prince.” Hirta kneeled to Jackson’s level, her scaly lichen patting Jackson’s hand. “You’ll run out of breath~”
Alex struggled to find the words, but before his search could reach its conclusion, Jackson continued. “AND! I don’t want to go by Jackson now. Call me Jackie, please! For now, until I find a name I like more! Hirta said I can experiment with anything I want here so I…” Jackie rambled before his tone became quieter. “Please don’t… judge me. I know I—”
Alex kept floundering before pausing. Jackson—no, Jackie was frightened of him, frightened of what he would do or what he did before. He’d never judge him for something like that, it wasn’t even that big of a name change! It was basically just a nickname, anyways. He couldn’t help but imagine this was some side effect of the affini’s possible brainwashing.
Either way, it’s not like he could just tell Jackie that! Especially with Hirta right here, he remembered her threat and really, really didn’t want to be on the wrong end of a pissed-off affini. He looked over at the regal entity, standing steadfast in their desire to protect Jackie.
‘Why would she brainwash Jackie just to stand over him as some sort of protector? Unless she had some sort of savior complex… wait, did the affini as a species all have one of those? That’d explain the domestication thing… But then why would they give them a chance to earn independence in the first place? This place really makes no sense! I have no idea what to make of any of it.’ This sucked. He had no idea if Jackie was in his right mind or if this entire thing was some sort of trick, and it made it difficult for him to think and act rationally.
“I’m not going to judge you, Jackie. I like the name, it-it suits you,” he finally managed. Alex smiled, trying to reassure him. “I’ll call you anything you want, Jackie.”
Jackie seemed to light up and dashed towards him. Hirta scooped up the flailing prince into a chair before bowing her head. “We’ll allow you two some privacy, Jackie darling… If you need us, just call~”
Then, she left… Hirta, the royal queen of the hab unit, had left through the front door. Likely going to speak with Luctoria and he could only hope the lizard-finni wouldn’t talk horribly about him and make Luctoria hate him more than she already did. He looked across the table to Jackie, who was kicking his legs excitedly while staring dead on at Alex. Alex tried to avoid his gaze, shifting uncomfortably in the seat.
“So, what’s your affini like, Alex? Are they nice? I’ve only met a few outside of Hirta, they’re all so-so-so nice. Even if they don’t really know how to respect personal space,” Jackie giggled, smiling at him. It seemed he truly was eager to hear all about how Alex’s life had been so far in the Compact.
Alex’s thoughts on Luctoria were complicated, his thoughts on affini in general were. Luctoria had been nothing but sweet to him since he had woken up that morning, his heart fluttered when she was around him. Alex thought back to when she coddled him after he had insulted her and called her scary. How he might have made her hate him right before this, how she truly seemed interested in keeping him safe beforehand…
“She’s… nice. I guess I just met her this morning, though she had been caring for me while I was unconscious for days after… y’know, the explosion.” He sighed before asking, “Are you… okay? Like, what did they do to you? You seem so different… It’s only been a few days, right? How are you just so—” he watched as Jackie’s face seemed to drop, and Alex’s heart ached. “Y’know what… never mind, I’m sorry.”
Jackie still seemed a bit downtrodden, the look on his face was heartbreaking. Alex kicked himself under the table.
‘Well, that was bad.’ Hands covered the shame on his face, chastising himself for not being more tactful..
Jackie looked down at the table, drawing circles with a finger. “Back on the Icebreaker… Back in the Accord. I–I always felt like I didn’t belong, like I was broken…” he mumbled, happiness muted. “Here, Hirta makes me feel special… like I’m… really, actually special… It’s silly, she treats me like a real prince. She went through the trouble of finding the exact blanket I had as a kid, just cuz’ she wanted my bed to be the comfiest it could be…”
Jackie smiled again, drawing a little flower on the table with his finger. “I had a nightmare the first night I got here… about the fire. She stayed with me for hours, petting me, soothing me… she read me my favorite book… and there was no catch. She just… loves me. I don’t know why, but she does! She really, really does!”
“And yes! I’m fucking scared… of course I am! The ship nearly exploded, Hirta rescued me! And somehow, I’m still terrified of this place. I love it here, but I can’t help but expect the worst… I can’t help it, I feel like any moment now I’m going to wake up back there.” Jackie sniffled, rubbing his eyes.
“So Hirta? She didn’t do anything bad… She made me feel safe and made me smile. A real smile! None of that fake bullshit the Accord wanted… I’m happy here, and even if it is some sort of joke…” He looked up at Alex. “I j–just want to enjoy it while it lasts… I’d rather feel happy now and worry about later, later…”
Alex didn’t know if it was right for him to speak yet, how was he even supposed to respond? Jackie would rather live in ignorance just for momentary joy? How? Alex didn’t understand how anyone could sacrifice their autonomy, their freewill, their dignity! Just for some momentary joy that could be a setup!
Yet when Alex looked at Jackie, he didn’t seem dazed. Jackie didn’t have that hazy-glazy look that the people he saw on the way had. He just seemed happy, and even if he didn’t quite understand it, he felt like trying to pry any further would just provoke further distress, or worse, get Hirta involved.
“I… can’t say I get it, but if you’re happy, you’re happy,” Alex managed to say.
Jackie nodded and smiled weakly. “Thank you, I k–know it’s probably hard for you. You always were so reclusive back on the Icebreaker. You never asked anyone for help… You know we worried about you, right?”
‘Worried…?’ That wasn’t how he remembered it. He recalled everyone on that gods-forsaken ship hated him.
All the times Jennifer called him a monster or all the times the captain—
Alex felt himself falling into numbness, the world felt so distant.
“You… worried about me? After everything I—” he choked, words catching in his throat.
“Of course I did! I don’t care what you did. Y–yeah, you kinda sucked. You did some horrible things, Alex, but so did everyone! You think you’re the only one the Accord forced into being a selfish prick?” Jackie countered. “I— Alex… I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for everything… but I get it. I get why you did that stuff...”
‘You did horrible things, Alex… You’re a selfish prick, I don’t know if I can ever forgive you…’ Alex inhaled deeply, his breathing becoming ragged. Jackie hated him. Jackie thought he was a selfish prick. He thought he was a monster.
“I didn’t mean it…” he whispered. “I didn’t… mean it.”
Alex thought about the Icebreaker. He thought about Elispura, thought about Volsnaris, thought about Jackie and Ceres and everyone. All he had ever been was a monster pretending to be a person. Toxic… More toxic than the fungi that killed the two surveyors. More toxic than any terran who had ever lived, a curse, a cancer, a caustic cloud that choked out anything that got close.
“Alex? Are you alright? Do you need me to go get Hirta?” Jackie seemed concerned.
Alex’s nails dug into his palms.
‘Please don’t get Hirta, please don’t get Hirta, she’d kill me! I made Jackie uncomfortable. I made Jackie cry! She’d probably kill me or brainwash me or worse. I have to get away, I have to get away, I have to get away, I have to…’
He tried to move, tried to speak. Limbs pumped full of concrete, much too heavy for him to move. His voice felt like it was caught in a thick tangle of twisted wires and worries. Nobody was coming to save him, maybe this was all a dream. Maybe Alex had died aboard the Icebreaker, maybe he was a brain in a vat that these aliens were poking and prodding to torture information out of.
‘This can’t be real… I have to be dead. Maybe this is my punishment, stuck here broken forever watching others be happy.’
“I-I’m… sssorrryy…” His words broke, voice cracking. It hurt, it hurt so bad. His heart pounded through him, aching, zapping, agony that made his entire chest feel as if it had been caught in a vise. Alex was being devoured from the inside out, each gnaw, each bite, each snap at his psyche drew him deeper into despair.
“Everything…hurts, I’m so, so sorry… I k–killed-killed them…” he sobbed, head pounding, fingers tingling. His vision spun. Alex was a monster, unlovable, untrustable, unforgivable.
Jackie gasped and held a hand to his chest. He looked towards the door, perhaps wishing for Hirta. “What happened on Volsnaris doesn’t make you a murderer! Carter even said they would’ve died even if you had given us the medicine! It wasn’t your fault, you aren’t a murderer—”
Alex knew it, he was a murderer. He killed Vanessa, he killed Mikhail. All he had to do was dispense the antifungals. Sure he would’ve probably been executed, but that didn’t matter, Alex didn’t matter. If they had lived, everything would’ve been okay. Jackie would be happier. Ceres wouldn’t be in a coma. Everyone would be happy! It was his fault, all of this was his fault.
He felt like a curse, a curse that brought misfortune to everyone. He could be the nicest person in the galaxy and would still cause horrible things to happen to people. He should’ve died when he was little, back when ███ ███████ ████████ ███. He walled it off, keeping that memory from escalating.
‘It’s never going to be okay.’ Where was Luctoria? ‘She promised she’d keep me safe…’
More sobs, he buried himself into his sleeves. The world spun once more, teetering on the edge of the seat. Gasping for each breath like a fish out of water. How long has it been? How long has it been? How long has it been?
‘I wanna go home… I wanna go home… I wanna go home… I just wanna go home, please just let me go home. I don't wanna, I don’t wanna I don’t wannaidontwannaidontwannaidontwanna..’
The cries grew louder. Tears stained the white fabric of his shirt, dark splotches forming a mosaic of hollow sorrow.. Throat stinging, lungs burning with sparks of fire. If only he were worth it, if only he were worth saving. Jackie was saved. Jackie was thriving, and Alex was an anchor. Sinking, trying to drag someone else to the drowning depths with him.
Everything was wrong. Nothing could ever be right in the world. Alex would never be okay. Alex would never, never be loved. He would never make memories that were happy, never forge real relationships. Nobody would ever, could ever fix him, nor would they want to.
Alex sniffled. The vertigo-laced sobs had long run dry. He still cried, but nothing came out, just coughs and aches and that stinging pain in his throat.
“Jackie…I–I’m…” he whimpered. “I-I’m scared…”
“I just w–wanna go… home… I… wanna go home… I don’t wanna… don’t… wanna be…here…”
“This place is all fucked up… My head feels wrong…”
“I just wanna… rest, everything hurts… I just need to rest… I’m really sorry… I’m really sorry…”
The sounds drifted all around. In and out, up and down… the tune of Alex’s heart muffling and unmuffling every decibel. Jackie was crying, too. How had he not noticed? The world was fading. Jackie’s words were muted, Alex couldn’t hear him. Couldn’t hear anything.
Cold and alone.
Suddenly, a moment of clarity. None of this made sense. Why was he accepting all this? These xenos were brainwashing them! He knew he shouldn’t just accept all this. His eyes widened for a moment, vertigo overtaking him as he shot up from his chair.
‘They must have done something to me! They had to! Why the hell am I accepting all this? It doesn’t make sense… They did something to me they fucked with my brain they did something to me—’
Alex stumbled out of the chair, and ran for the door. He didn’t stop to grab Jackie, he just ran. The room spun. His leg caught on a piece of furniture, sending him toppling towards the floor. Course correcting did nothing as his head slammed into the soft flooring beneath. His body was cushioned by the fall, but pain spread through him regardless.
‘I need to get out of here before she finds me… She’ll do that thing to me again, she’ll trick me again— This whole thing is some sort of trick! I bet Jackie isn’t even really Jackie! This is all some sort of mind-game to get me to give up information!!’
He tried to move again, waves of nausea passed through him as he desperately tried to stand.
‘Fuck, fuck, FUCK! MOVE, body, Get up, get up, get up!’
His eyes refused to open for him. Alex gasped for air, the world darkened. He rested there, half conscious on the floor.
‘I have to get out of here…! I have to, I have to, I have to—’
Luctoria’s body shifted anxiously as Hirta let Alex into her hab. She just had an instinctual feeling that something really bad was about to happen. It was unlike her to be so timid around her wards. Though of course, this was not exactly a usual situation for her. Usually the first day of a wardship was all talking, a visit to the xenoveterinarian for a checkup, and then maybe a pleasant tour of the area near her hab.
Alex was so insistent on going to see Jackson she just could not say no. Those cute little eyes of his were impossible to resist. He wasn’t even a floret or anything! He just had that cute little Terran stare that Luctoria couldn’t help herself. The way Alex had just let her guide him through the Hololeion, it was all just so precious. His little face when he asked her to keep calling him starlight! It made her core swoon with desire, an instinct she had trained herself to resist.
It wasn’t like she could claim any cute little sophont that crossed her path. She would end up with a thousand florets by the end of the week if that was the case! Besides, she wanted a ward to choose her. She wanted so badly for one of the many wards she cared for to ask her to take them. The idea of forcing it on a cute little thing like Alex made her core hurt. She had to fight her innate desires at every breath, and that is what made her such a good warden.
Alex seemed like such a fragile sophont, so scared and yet so willing to trust. None of the wards she had cared for previously had melted into her touch so eagerly… He lashed out at her, but that was okay. Sophonts needed time to adjust. That is part of why she was so apprehensive about bringing her starlight here so soon after he recovered.
She knew a little about his past aboard the Icebreaker. Some of the things she read in those logs made her nearly unravel, the horrors Alex had seen and caused… It was not his fault, she did not judge him for what he did. She hurt because of those horrible people who forced him to do those things. Who forced those poor little darlings on that vessel to suffer so horribly.
A few moments passed, and Hirta Hippolyta, the youngbloom warden of Jackson, exited. She had last seen the queenly affini while rescuing those aboard the Icebreaker. She was pretty, Luctoria must admit. The way her mossy-lichen scales wrapped around her like a veil of iridescent majesty. She felt a tinge of jealousy, how such a young affini managed such a well constructed form was a feat indeed.
“Hello, Hirta,” Luctoria spoke first, her body contorted to the one side. Her head tilted towards the glittering queen. “Are you not chaperoning the meetup?”
Hirta brought her semi-hand to her mouth, leaning against the door to her hab in an indolent manner. “We thought it would be suitable to allow the wards time alone, our little Prince Jackie is quite brave, after all.”
“Are you sure it will be alright? It is my little ward's first day here, I trust you with your ward. However, I think it would be safer if we—”
“Yes, yes, do not worry, Luctoria. We personally assured our little Jackie would be fine during the meeting.” Their tail flicked, the pointed tip glistened beneath the false sun.
Luctoria’s leaves rustled, her core burned with annoyance.
‘I wasn’t asking about your ward…’
“I assume you administered an anxiolytic?” Luctoria asked out of professional interest.
Hirta hummed and nodded. “As one should, better for us to be prepared for the worst, we say.”
Luctoria shifted, her vines wrapped tighter into themselves, humming with worry.
‘Maybe it would’ve been better if I did the same to Alex again.’ She was quite conflicted in the matter, however. She knew Alex did not trust her, and that drugging him up further on his first day awake and aware would be rather incompatible with forming a relationship based on trust. Perhaps she should have offered, at the bare minimum.
She already felt bad enough for— everything. She was surprised he had been taking everything rather well. Which was likely due to the Class E’s he had been prescribed while recovering, which should be tapering off rather soon. That worried her, how was he going to react when he came down and realized they had drugged him?
“Oho~! We see the ever solicitous Silex Luctoria is worried, are you not? Concerned about your little bird being away from his nest?”
Luctoria twitched, her eyes shifting to glare at the monarchical affini. “I would appreciate it if you did not refer to Alex in such a belittling manner, Hirta.”
“We are just teasing, Luctoria, darling,” they hummed. Strands of hair-like algae twitched and writhed on their face. “After all, you are one of the most prolific wardens on this vessel. We have so much respect for you and your methodology.”
“After all, if it were not for you… We would not have found our darling Prince Jackie.”
Luctoria felt slightly… baffled by this affini. Although she had known Hirta for quite some time at this point, that personality of theirs was something she never grew accustomed to. She had respect for her of course. They did manage a lot of the enrichment activities for the sophonts in this habitation ring afterall. A job like that required a lot of patience, and looking at Hirta… Luctoria was surprised by just how much of that patience the Queen had hidden beneath her persona.
“So I assume you are planning on claiming Jackie?” Luctoria finally asked.
Hirta giggled in response, her tail flicking back and forth as a smile crossed her face. “Ohh~? Perhaps. We have been longing for a new royal to call our own… We suppose you do not quite see domestication in the same way we do, do you, Luctoria?”
“I… am unsure of how I feel about the matter, if I am honest," she lied. A sharp ache pierced through her core.
Hirta cooed. She approached Luctoria, and despite being much shorter than the curved-over affini. Luctoria felt a moment of intimidation, though she was unsure why. Perhaps being in the presence of another of her kind who was so sure of herself was menacing. An affini who was so confident in her own manner of behavior that she had no doubts about her own abilities, Hirta never second-guessed herself for even a moment. Everything she did was for the benefit of herself and other sophonts, it was incredible if not just the littlest bit worrying.
“You are unsure if Alex is the correct fit for you, then?” Hirta asked, her lichen-laced hands gently grasping Luctoria’s flower strands.
‘The gall of this one…’ Luctoria pulled herself away from the uninvited touch.
Her tablet beeped, a code-yellow. That was unsurprising, with the drugs wearing off and the stressful situation he was in. She decided to give him time, she wouldn’t intervene yet. Though her anxiety was definitely rising… Hopefully he was ready to leave soon.
“It is not that. I hardly know Alex, aside from his records, I have barely known him for more than an afternoon,” she replied simply, pulling herself back to the conversation.
The worry kept rising, it was nearly impossible for her to not rush to her ward’s side. That ache, that deep seated ache in her core. ‘I should go to him…’
She tried to brush off the urge. Luctoria’s vines shuffled against the grass below, writhing in rhythmic motion as she imagined him happy. The shifting sensations of the ground below provided a soothing tune to fuel her daydreams. She imagined him secure, tucked into bed. All the plush comfort objects that terrans enjoyed so much tucked in next to him. The thought alone was enough to light up her core with warm adoration. Luctoria would make sure the little sophont was safe and sound, no matter what.
Her body moved, vines twisted, and wood creaked as she slithered her tendrils through the grass at the thought. Alex was not her floret. She did not want Alex to be her floret. He deserved his chance to be an independent sophont, and she would not try to sabotage that by being overbearing. Her eyes glimmered as she looked to Hirta, the affini that had already decided for the ward under her care. She understood the reasoning, she really, truly did. The desire to claim a sophont, to make them hers and love them without mercy, was an urge she had long fought against.
It was in their nature after all, affini were meant to care for sophonts. Luctoria was no different in that regard. She just had a very different idea in mind of what that care meant. It is not like she would never take a floret. Her first floret… was a treasure. A precious treasure, a gemstone that was so dull and neglected it no longer shined… and Luctoria made them shine again. Her precious little gemstone.
“I wish I were as confident as you, Hirta.” A true moment of vulnerability from the otherwise closed-off and no-nonsense affini. A strand of her flowers draped onto Hirta’s head, almost a headpat.
Hirta perked up, her eyes igniting with a shiny iridescence. “Y–You, what? Confident?” She cracked. Her persona shattered for a moment. “You think I am confident?”
Luctoria’s neck crackled with stiffness as she nodded. “I do. I truly—”
Her tablet ignited. ‘WARNING’ flashing brightly, alarm blaring as his vitals appeared on screen.
‘167 BPM, Blood Pressure 105/65.’
The world stood still. He was in danger. Her body lagged behind as she crumbled, sliding forth like a wall of expanding flora. Hirta was quickly swallowed by the flood of greenery. Yet before they could even register the movement, they were free. The door to Hirta’s opened in one swift motion, the creeping puddle of leaves, flowers and wood moved forward at a blinding speed.
Her core felt like it had shattered, her little starlight lay collapsed on the floor. The little sophont known as Jackie was crying in the corner. How could she have let this happen? This was her fault, it was only Alex’s first day! Luctoria let him trigger such a horrid trauma response on the first day, she failed him.
She failed her little starlight…
No, her self-loathing could wait. Luctoria wrapped her little starshine up tightly yet gently. Strings of soft flowers binding his arms and legs, weaving a criss-cross pattern of pink and purple blossoms. Entwining him in a perfect net to keep him safe, secure and close. She had many years of practice with this, after all.
His heart rate was rapid. A panic attack? He was awake, in a daze, but awake. She rushed past Hirta, her thoughts tied in knots. If she had not left him alone, he would be safe. If she had only—
‘NO! Now is not the time for self-loathing. My ward is in danger. He needs me. My ward needs me. I am not going to fail him further.’
“Alex… Alex, sweetie, can you hear me?” she asked gently. Her weaving web wrapped him tightly in her embrace.
“What did you d–do to me…”
She stopped in place. She fought every instinct telling her to pull him further into her. He needed to feel safe, she could make him feel safe.
“Awh, love… It is going to be alright, just rest with me.” Her tone took on a new rhythm, a soothing lullaby of sounds and motions.
‘Resist…’ Alex thought, his eyes fluttering open.. ‘Get away…’
“Let me go! Get off of me—”
“Shush, starlight… Breathe with me…” The floral tendrils squeezed him weakly for three seconds, signalling an exhale.
He bit, and thrashed, and hit. Nothing worked, she didn’t give way in the slightest. He exhaled, following her signal. ‘Fuck… I’ll get away from her, once this vertigo goes away… Did they do this to me!? Make me dizzy on purpose!?’
The pressure loosened, and he took a deep breath in. A single vine on his cheek tapped twice to signal him to hold. Then, the flowers squeezed again, and he breathed out. In and out. The pressure dissipated, and he inhaled again. In and out. Repeat, over and over. Intervals of four seconds in, four seconds hold, four seconds out. Loose, taps, squeeze.
‘Just listen for now, Alex… She’s just trying to help.’
The squeezes were so light they hardly registered. Yet he still obeyed, still followed every little command. She smiled down at him, so loving, so caring. So real. Nobody had ever smiled at him like that. Not once, at least not that he could remember. The entire day… Alex had lashed out, yelled at her even. Yet she still did this. She still wanted him. Loose. In.
“Gooood, you are doing so good for me… Just like that. In and out, breathe with me…”
Luctoria did not need xenodrugs to calm a scared sophont, she had let a moment of weakness make her believe she had failed him. It was a momentary lapse, and now he was safe. Tap tap. Hold.
She adjusted slightly, and then. Her body collapsed with a gentle thud to sit. Alex was securely in her foliage, he did not even feel the impact. He kept breathing, following her prods and pressures. All he could see was her eyes, those beautiful yellow gems that slowly gave way to that shimmery blue he remembered from the morning. Squeeze. Out.
“Why…? Why are you doing this?” he asked, tangled in her body.
“Doing what…? What sort of affini would I be if I did not rescue my starlight?”
‘Don’t listen to her’ His heart pounded, his cheeks flushed, and tears once again threatened to flood his eyes. ‘Play along and escape when you’re able’
“No more tears, starshine… You are safe. I am not going anywhere.” Slow and steady, calm and safe. His heartbeat relaxed to match Luctoria’s melody.
“You just want to brainwash me! You just want to turn me into one of those freaks—”
“Shhhhh… Listen. I do not want to change you, I want to help you. Just listen to me, starlight,” she pleaded. The hook on the end of her largest vine dragged across his skin, tickling gentle sparks soothed his soul.
He shook his head, resisting the urge to burrow himself deeper into her warmth.
“Y-you’re a liar—”
Her vine traced over his lips, silencing him gently. “I would never lie to you, starlight.”
Alex finally gave in, and buried his face against her body. He had no choice right now, he could fight later, worry about escaping later.
“There you go, you are such a good little one.”
Her voice was so sweet, it was as if all the angels he had read about as a child sang to him at once. So perfect, so safe. He stayed here, inhaling her scent. Fresh fallen rain, wet grass, and blooming flowers. It filled him with a heavenly nostalgia as he rested in her embrace.
Even though he knew this was all a lie, he knew this was all fake. Alex couldn’t help himself, he had fallen for her spell yet again.
‘Please let me go home…’
“You smell like home…”
Luctoria loosened her grip, letting him get even closer. Her core sang an alluring lullaby. Alex’s eyes closed, losing himself to her warmth.
“That’s because you are home, Starlight”
Juniperus_smol on Chapter 1 Sun 30 Nov 2025 06:37AM UTC
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MintySyrup on Chapter 1 Sun 30 Nov 2025 06:58AM UTC
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Saranthos on Chapter 1 Sun 30 Nov 2025 06:53PM UTC
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MintySyrup on Chapter 1 Sun 30 Nov 2025 07:15PM UTC
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Juniperus_smol on Chapter 2 Sun 07 Dec 2025 03:29AM UTC
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MintySyrup on Chapter 2 Sun 07 Dec 2025 03:45AM UTC
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Saranthos on Chapter 3 Fri 05 Dec 2025 03:59AM UTC
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MintySyrup on Chapter 3 Fri 05 Dec 2025 10:40AM UTC
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Juniperus_smol on Chapter 4 Sat 13 Dec 2025 05:00AM UTC
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MintySyrup on Chapter 4 Sat 13 Dec 2025 08:34AM UTC
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Baiszel on Chapter 4 Sat 13 Dec 2025 01:09PM UTC
Last Edited Sat 13 Dec 2025 01:11PM UTC
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MintySyrup on Chapter 4 Sat 13 Dec 2025 06:43PM UTC
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