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Yamaguchi's always slept more than Tsukishima did.
For example, when they were younger and either one of them would go to the other's for a sleepover, Yamaguchi would always go to bed earlier than Tsukishima would—even if he tried to stay up, he would end up asleep by nine, tucked in and snoring. It was a bit annoying at times, Tsukishima would've liked staying up just talking, but Yamaguchi was practically incoherent when he was tired, so it was useless if he willed himself to stay awake. Besides, any other time of day, they were attached by the hip—or rather—Yamaguchi was on Tsukishima's tail.
Honestly, Tsukishima had fully expected Yamaguchi to have outgrew it. In junior high, he didn't sleep in class anymore—mostly because he got called out for it, but also because he just wasn't seven years old, and they didn't have as many sleepovers as they did in elementary, so Tsukishima guesses his assumption of Yamaguchi not sleeping a lot was due to that.
Turns out Yamaguchi hasn't outgrown it.
His cheek is pressed against his arm, eyes closed with long, downturned, gossamer lashes grazing his cheeks, his lips pushed from his arm, reminiscent of a pout. It's a relaxed expression. Tsukishima sort of wants to graze his fingers over those light freckles—with winter dimming the UV, Yamaguchi's freckles aren't as prominent. It's pretty upsetting, but at least they're still here. Tsukishima can't be too selfish.
In terms of being around Yamaguchi and being Yamaguchi's bestfriend, Tsukishima is the most selfish man on earth.
He lets himself count each lash of Yamaguchi's, even if there's homework to be done sitting infront of him, he'll let himself indulge in small, abnormal things—like every eyelash.
"—Tsukishima! You don't have any more milk! Kageyama— oh. Is Yamaguchi sleeping?" Hinata's previously screeching tone quickly softens into a murmur.
Tsukishima glances back at Hinata, who whispers an apology for his noise (surprisingly) and quietly walks over to the table and sets his juice box next to his textbook. Kageyama walks in shortly after, holding a cup of milk, and he only spares a glance at Yamaguchi. Who drinks whole milk purely by itself? Its not even like strawberry milk or something. —And where's Yachi?
"Yachi's getting us some snacks from that convenience store close by." Hinata explains. Huh, Tsukishima's face must've been more expressive than he wanted. That's definitely something he should fix, if Hinata can read him well, he's not secretive whatsoever. That isn't something he wants.
"I see." Tsukishima blandly replies, and looks back at Yamaguchi.
His stuff is still out, but surely he's studied enough. Tsukishima sits up onto his knees and shuts Yamaguchi's notebooks and textbook, piling it onto the middle of the table. He puts away the pencils, pens, and highlighters, returning them back to their original spot in Yamaguchi's bag. Yamaguchi doesn't stir even a little. His soft, steady breathing filling up the room.
Tsukishima looks back at Hinata and Kageyama, and whilst Kageyama is actually reading the book—or maybe just thinking of volleyball, he's concentrated on something—Hinata stares at Tsukishima with an unclear expression, then brings two fingers up to his eyes and turns them towards Tsukishima: an "I'm watching you" gesture.
Tsukishima furrows his eyebrows. What the hell is that supposed to mean? What is Hinata tracking him down for?
Yachi pushes the door open with her foot, she holds a bag of snacks in her right hand and a soda in her left—which Tsukishima recognizes as Yamaguchi's favorite. "Ah—Sorry Tsukishima, I didn't know what you liked—Hinata just said you liked water. Maybe you and Yamaguchi can share?" Yachi talks softly, "He isn't awake to drink it, anyway."
She places the bag down on the middle of the table, on top of Yamaguchi's books, and positions the orange soda in between Yamaguchi and Tsukishima. Yachi settles down beside Hinata, who's attempting to open his bag of chips.
"Did Yamaguchi not get good sleep?" Yachi asks, glancing worriedly at Yamaguchi. "Don't tell me practice is too much…"
Tsukishima glances at Yamaguchi. "I'm sure he's fine. He likes staying up and during winter he falls asleep a lot. Like a strange form of half-hibernation." He glances back at Hinata and Yachi, who stare intently at Yamaguchi.
Hinata tilts his head, "Is this like a thing from childhood?"
Tsukishima nods, looking back at Yamaguchi and tracing his fringe pushed to the side with his eyes. He's handsome.
"Hey—Kageyama, can you open these for me?"
Tsukishima realizes he had momentarily forgotten where he was and was staring at Yamaguchi. Get it together, Kei. You're meant to be studying geometric planes, not the planes of Yamaguchi's face! No matter how inticing it may be to study Yamaguchi's jaw hands on, you must restrain yourself Kei—don't get more selfish than you already are. —And figure out whatever it means that you're thinking of!
* * *
The days get progressively colder, Tsukishima predicts it'll snow pretty soon.
Which means, Yamaguchi gets even more sleepier. —Which Tsukishima isn't complaining much. What type of person would he be if he got upset over Yamaguchi being sleepy?
They're watching a whale documentary, sitting on the couch with their thighs touching, a fluffy, blue blanket draped over their legs, Yamaguchi's mom had brought it over for Yamaguchi's first sleepover, since then, it's just stayed at Tsukishima's house. These sorts of documentaries aren't Yamaguchi's cup of tea, he prefers things with more action insttead of just information being spewed out, but he didn't argue too much today, and Tsukishima did promise that they'd watch one of those shonen animes Yamaguchi likes afterwards.
Usually, Yamaguchi would provide commentary—because even if he isn't neccessarily keen on documentaries, he likes to talk and he likes to watch things Tsukishima likes (his words, not Tsukishima's). It's just in Yamaguchi's nature to care, to do things that he doesn't exactly want to with a smile on his face and full attention. He doesn't do things half-heartedly.
Yamaguchi's quiet.
He glances over, studying Yamaguchi's face. His eyes are hazy and squinted at the screen, like he's willing himself to stay awake, and he blinks languidly, like sleep is still consuming him despite his effort to stay awake. Tsukishima watches as his eyes close longer and longer with each blink.
Tsukishima moves his arm that sits on the cushion behind Yamaguchi to Yamaguchi's head, gently guiding his head to rest on his shoulder. It's not something he'd usually do, he doesn't like being outright and explicitly nice. Yamaguchi hesitates, blinking rapidly as he looks up at Tsukishima with a confused expression.
"Aren't you tired? You can sleep on me." Tsukishima mumbles, looking away as his feels warmth rush to his ears.
Yamaguchi's lips quirk up into a drowsy and weak smile. "Thanks, Tsukki…" he murmers, it's not the usual loud tone—replaced by a small, soft tone. It's so genuine it makes Tsukishima's breath hitch.
He settles his head back down onto Tsukishima's shoulder—for a second, Tsukishima's worried that his shoulder won't be comfortable, but—Yamaguchi relaxes, eyes flickering shut and breathing calming into a steady pace.
He falls asleep quickly, small snores escaping his mouth. Yamaguchi's hair looks so soft, it curls away from the smooth expanse of his neck. There's a faint scent of his new shampoo, a clean, sweet smell of vanilla. Tsukishima brings his hand, which was hovering over Yamaguchi's shoulder, and brings it up to his hair. He weaves his fingers through his hair, fingers grazing Yamaguchi's scalp.
It's relaxing, stratching his scalp—a repeatative movement.
Yamaguchi, whilst asleep, makes a content sigh as his face buries itself closer up Tsukishima's shoulder. His eyebrow twitches and Tsukishima just stares. Stares at every feature that he's never been able to stare at, not with this much freedom. The pattern of freckles dusted over his features, the way his mouth is slightly agape, soft, little breaths coming out— those lips and that freckle on his top lip.
"Cute…" Tsukishima blurts, his ears immediately heat up, definitely red. He's never been— careless with his words. He's practiced, precise with what he says, how he says it, and when he says it. Blurting things out is Yamaguchi's sort of thing.
—But Yamaguchi is asleep. It's not like he heard that, and besides, it feels like its smoothing out the crumpled mess in his gut, or things hes wanted to say but never did, a weight off his shoulders.
"Yamaguchi is cute, its undeniable."
(Tsukishima really wishes he knew how to shut up and keep thoughts to himself. —He now knows why Hinata can't shut up. Its hard to shut up, not when you've already stepped past the line and got no reprecussions. Too much control on the reigns makes you want to fly.)
* * *
"Tsukishima! Watch out!" Tanaka yelps.
Tsukishima watches the way Yamaguchi's lips look when hes focused, the way he licks his lips and mindlessly pouts as he attempts to tape Tsukishima's fingers correctly. I need to learn how to do it, Tsukki! Y'know it's important to tape correctly, and it's definitely harder to do on your own! So let me do it for you! And Tsukishima would never refuse having Yamaguchi's help—he's only a human after all, selfish. (And the human part isn't even that necessary, Tsukishima is purely selfish, it's his character.)
He gets hit in the back of the head with a flying ball.
Yamaguchi makes a high pitched noise, drops the roll of tape, as Tsukishima immediately feels the sting of the ball faintly linger in the back of his head. Tsukishima shuts his eyes, already feeling anger rising in his stomach. It must've been Hinata, Tsukishima would bet everything on that. Hinata just loves humilating him infront of people doesn't he?
(A shiver racks his body when he remembers the time Hinata barged into Tsukishima's class and fell face first, then to make it worse, yelled out "Do you have my balls, Tsukishima?!" Tsukishima got lectured by Kimaru-sensei.)
"Oh—" Yamaguchi stutters. "Are you okay, Tsukki?!"
Tsukishima opens his eyes, met with Yamaguchi's worried expression of wide eyes and pinched upwards eyebrows. Yamaguchi glances back behind Tsukishima and furrows his eyebrows.
"Oh my god! Tsukishima!" Nishinoya begins laughing, boomingly loud, rushing up to him. "That was hilarious! Your head bounced! Oh my god—"
Tanaka rushes to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi's side. "Bro! Are you good?! Looked like it hit directly the back of your skull!"
Hinata rushes up to Tsukishima, Kageyama following him. Tsukishima turns to look at Hinata, and narrows his eyes. "Tsukishima! I'm so sorry! I failed my receive!" Hinata bows down low, then looks up from his lowered position and furrows his eyebrows. "—But Tanaka warned you? He was loud too…"
Noya laughs, "That's true. What were you focused on then, Tsukishima? Pretty suspicious if you ask me!"
Tsukishima huffs and pushes his glasses up. He prays that his ears aren't flushed. "Nothing—Just Yamaguchi taping my fingers."
"Yamaguchi taping your fingers or Yamaguchi?" Tanaka questions, raising his eyebrows, "Hey! Asahi what's with that bruise! Is it a hickey?!" Later running off to Asahi with Nishinoya, probably to poke fun at him too.
Tsukishima can see the way Yamaguchi blinks rapidly as he processes Tanaka's words, then his face is turning red. "What?" He practically squeaks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Hinata snickers behind his hand, Tsukishima turns back to look at him and glares despite the embarrassment and irritation bubbling up in his gut, he won't make that evident to Hinata. Hinata doesn't cower, instead laughing harder and grabbing Kageyama sleeve to whisper something in his ear.
"Tsukishima— WHAT?!" Kageyama furrows his eyebrows and looks at Tsukishima with an unreadable expression. Hinata backs away and howls with laughter.
"What the fuck did you tell him." Tsukishima glances at Yamaguchi, who stares intently at Kageyama and Hinata, then looks over at Tsukishima with a confused expression. Tsukishima groans—God, knowing Hinata, he could've said anything. But if Kageyama had reacted like that, what was it?
Hinata smiles innocently. "Nothing that was wrong!"
"Hinata—Are you lying?" Kageyama mutters, seemingly shocked. "No way. — No way."
Tsukishima is a hair away from screaming. He's seriously exhausted—Hinata's done everything terrible to him. Hit him in the head infront of Yamaguchi, made him the target of Tanaka and Noya, and now he's spreading lies to Kageyama (at least Tsukishima prays its lies).
"Hey! Get back to practicing!" Coach Ukai yells, and the freak twins rush off.
Tsukishima notes to confront Hinata on what he told Kageyama.
Yamaguchi bends down to grab the fallen tape, stands back up and puts on a wiry smile. "Wonder what's up with those two." He huffs an awkward laugh, "Sorry if the tape isn't good. Still haven't mastered it yet."
Tsukishima glances down at his hands and flexes his fingers, the tape is firm, not too tight nor constricting. He wished he wasn't so ultra-focused on Yamaguchi's lips so he could focus on Yamaguchi's hands on his. God, is he an idiot? Wanting more than what he already has.
"It's good."
"Really?" Yamaguchi looks up at Tsukishima with wide eyes—practically sparkling.
It's a punch to the gut. Yamaguchi looks so cute, an elated expression, wide eyes that stare so intensely at Tsukishima.
"Yeah—Yeah."
* * *
Yamaguchi is asleep—Once again.
This time, it's lunch, and right after Yamaguchi finished his food, he fell asleep, like kids do. (Tsukishima is ninety-nine percent sure that Yamaguchi was one of those kids who got tired from eating dinner and fell asleep right after.)
Tsukishima chews his rice, watching as Yamaguchi breaths softly and steadily. Yamaguchi's hair falls over the top half of his face, only his eye peaking through. Tsukishima places down his chopsticks to reache over and push the hair in the way behind his ear. When he pulls his hand away, it feels like his fingertips are on fire—lingering with the feeling of Yamaguchi's warm skin and soft hair.
"Tsukishima!" A familiar—aggravating—voice calls from the door.
Tsukishima looks up, groans when he sees Hinata and Kageyama holding bento boxes. Hinata smiles widely as he skips over to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi and sits at the table infront of Tsukishima and places his lunch box in the small area there is. Kageyama pulls up a chair to sit in between to Hinata and Yamaguchi, but it's a sort of tight squeeze in between the two chairs brought over to the one desk.
"Yamaguchi's sleeping again?" Hinata asks, furrowing his eyebrows. He reaches over to take a leftover piece of watermelon from Yamaguchi's lunch box, Tsukishima swats at his hand and Hinata tsks.
Kageyama furrows his eyebrows. "Is he—Okay?"
Hinata huffs, "Why would he not be okay, Dumbyama?" Kageyama scowls and looks like he's going to hit Hinata—and Tsukishima really doesn't want to deal with that.
"Why are you here?"
Hinata blinks, and then smiles mischievously. "You wanted to know what I told Kageyama, right?"
Tsukishima already feels a headache forming, but he nods slowly.
"I said that you liked Yamaguchi!" He announces.
Tsukishima feels his eyes widen and stands up abruptly. He quickly glances around the class, making sure no one heard what Hinata just said, and he sputters a response.
"Why would you say that."
Kageyama tilts his head. "Hinata are you actually a liar? Is that really not true?" He stares thoughtfully at his lunch sat on his lap, seemingly racking his brain for evidence.
—Tsukishima goes to say no, but what comes out is a choked out noise. Its beyond humilating, usually he can lie pretty well—but somehow he literally couldn't. Its like the universe is plotting against him. Is this karma for all those times he laughed at his teammates? Maybe for his selfishness? Whatever it is, why must it be happening now of all times? Can't karma wait for later, like, infront of Yamaguchi or something—someone who has seen Tsukishima at his worst?
Hinata begins howling with laughter— Kageyama even joins in with unfamiliar chuckling, (Kageyama barely laughs, how humilating is that?)
"Can—Can you two shut up?! I don't—You're a liar, Hinata! What's your—"
Yamaguchi starts giggling.
Tsukishima's head snaps to look at Yamaguchi—who's already looking up at him. How much did he hear—Holy shit, he's so cute when he laughs.
"What's got you so pissed, Tsukki?" He questions.
Hinata blinks. "Woah… This is the first time Yamaguchi hasn't yelled at us on Tsukishima's behalf…" He mumbles to Kageyama, Yamaguchi doesn't hear this, but Tsukishima does and his skin feels on fire.
It's normal for Yamaguchi to defend Tsukishima, Tsukishima is selfish in the aspect that he likes that. But he also likes Yamaguchi teasing him, its playful and domestic to him.
Tsukishima's heart feels on fire, his ears are most definitely red.
"I'm—I'm going to get a drink from the vending machine." Tsukishima huffs.
* * *
Tsukishima had always figured his selfishness had been something he was born with, turns out that's not exactly true.
"I wish we didn't have to end early—I really wanted to get more serves in." Yamaguchi frowns, glancing up from his knelt position.
Tsukishima shrugs. "I think it's better that we don't have to stay with the freak duo any longer."
Yamaguchi giggles, standing up. "Of course you'd say that." He zips up his coat, the zipping noise barely audible over the noise of the club room. "Just admit you like their company, Tsukki!"
Tsukishima rolls his eyes and scoffs. "Not true,"
Yamaguchi just snickers as he glances back. "We're heading out now!" He calls out, getting a couple goodbyes.
Yamaguchi holds the door open for Tsukishima, Tsukishima shivers slightly when the cold air hits his face. They better make it home soon, he does not want to stay out here and die of hypothermia. Tsukishima begins walking, the only confirmation of Yamaguchi following him is the steps behind him.
When they reach the bottom of the staircase and a hefty rush of wind hits him straight in the face, Tsukishima looks back to check up on Yamaguchi—Yamaguchi always forgets at least something, usually his gloves.
Tsukishima's eyes widen at Yamaguchi's lack of scarf—whilst the entire bottom half of his face is covered by his.
"Where's your scarf?"
Yamaguchi's already red face flushes, "…I forgot. But it's okay Tsukki! It's only a ten minute walk!" He shoves his hands further into the pockets of his jacket.
Tsukishima's eyebrows furrow as he tracks the movement. "Do you even have your gloves."
Yamaguchi glances away anxiously, giving that thin smile that's a cheat code for an upcoming lie. "Well—Yeah!"
Tsukishima turns on his heels and Yamaguchi tilts his head. Tsukishima grabs his wrists, Yamaguchi sputtering as Tsukishima stares at the red, cold hands. What the hell is up with him? It was cold in the morning, too.
"Uhm—I forgot it… But it's only ten minutes so I won't complain about it! It's my fault anyway…" Yamaguchi mumbles, tugging his hands back and shoving his hands into his pockets. "Let's just go!"
Tsukishima reaches up to his neck and takes the scarf off his neck. He shivers with the cold breeze, jesus, how does Yamaguchi expect himself to last with no scarf nor gloves? Yamaguchi goes to talk, probably to tell Tsukishima No! I'm fine without it, Tsukki! You should keep it.
Tsukishima holds out the purple scarf and waits for Yamaguchi to take it. He blinks, clearly fighting with himself, Tsukishima just scoffs. "Take it, at least I have gloves on."
Yamaguchi furrows his eyebrows. "—No, Tsukki. I'm really fine without it! You're more prone to the cold!"
He won't accept it, Tsukishima argues with himself. Tsukishima sighs, stepping closer to Yamaguchi and wrapping the scarf around Yamaguchi's neck. He's sure to do it loose, so he can pull the scarf up to cover the bottom half of Yamaguchi's face (his ears alarmingly red).
When he steps back, Yamaguchi's staring at him with a bewildered expression, wide eyes and confusion evident across his face.
Both of them don't speak for a couple, long, seconds. "…Thanks, Tsukki." he murmurs, largely muffled from the scarf. He is too cute in that stupid scarf, it's not necessarily a color that goes well with his skin and hair, but Tsukishima couldn't care less about colors and their compatability, if it looks cute, it looks cute. Tsukishima has the horrifying thought of wanting to see Yamaguchi in more of his clothes.
Hinata can't be right.
"—It's nothing." Heat rises to his ears.
They continue walking and when Tsukishima sees the familiar lights of Sakanoshita Market, he has a dawning realization. Sakanoshita Market sells scarfs—shitty scarfs, but scarfs nonetheless.
"—I'm—Mom said to pick up some rice—I'm gonna get some from Ukai. Get home so—your hands don't freeze, y'know?"
God, he's terrible at lying to Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi nods, despite of the terrible lying skills Tsukishima has, and says a goodbye. He doesn't tease, not like he would usually—but Tsukishima is too worried about his inability to lie to Yamaguchi specifically.
He walks into Sakanoshita and Ukai calls out the automated greeting.
"Coach Ukai, do you have scarfs here?" Tsukishima walks up the the counter, Ukai glances up and furrows his eyebrows.
"Didn't you have a scarf, where'd it go?"
Tsukishima thins his lips. "I—I gave it…"
Ukai raises his eyebrow and sighs. "To Yamaguchi I'm guessing. Here, take this, you don't needa pay for it." Ukai hands over a cream colored scarf.
"Oh—Thanks. Thank you." Tsukishima wraps it around his neck.
* * *
Yamaguchi snores softly as Tsukishima grabs a blanet to pull over him. The anime Yamaguchi wanted to rewatch still playing. Tsukishima hesitates at the end of the bed, he looks up.
It's a lot of Yamaguchi to take in. His legs are filled with freckles, they're not prominent, but they're everywhere—traveling up his legs and to his thigh, until Tsukishima can't see any more due to his shorts. His shirt rides up just a smidge about his stomach, only a sliver of lean stomach showing.
It feels dirty to look at his bestfriend like this. It feels wrong to look at Yamaguchi like this. Tsukishima shouldn't look at Yamaguchi like this, shouldn't think like this.
I said that you liked Yamaguchi!
Liking someone isn't inherently selfish—It's loving someone that's selfish. To want them for yourself is selfish.
Tsukishima must be selfish.
"Yamaguchi. I love you." Yamaguchi snores louder.
* * *
"So… How's it going, Tsukishima?" Hinata sings, settling down next to Tsukishima who's drinking from his water bottle.
Tsukishima glares at him. "What do you want?"
"I just wanna know if you're gonna confess anytime soon!" Hinata exclaims—too loudly for Tsukishima's liking. Noya rushes over and laughs.
"You're gonna confess to someone, Tsukishima?!" he yells, Tsukishima worriedly glances at Yamaguchi—but he's occupied with talking to Yachi.
"No—No. I'm not."
Noya tilts his head and sits down infront of him. "Why not? What could go wrong? Aren't you popular with the ladies? Wouldn't she be ecstatic to get a confession from you?"
Hinata leans to whisper into Nishinoya's ear.
"WHAT?! You like—" Hinata shushes him.
"Can—Oh my God. You don't need to tell everyone." Tsukishima sighs, shutting his water and placing it next to him.
Hinata rolls his eyes, opening his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Noya speaking. "Wait—That makes sense actually. I'm an idiot for not noticing!" He grimaces at himself.
Tsukishima furrows his eyebrows. "What? —It's not- It's not obvious, or something— Is it?"
"Yeah, it is. Kageyama's just an oblivious idiot." Hinata replies.
Tsukishima wants to die. If it's obvious, does that mean Yamaguchi has him figured out? Does that mean Yamaguchi is disgusted at him giving him his scarf—that must be why he was so repulsed to wearing it. Tsukishima is a terrible, selfish, best friend.
Yamaguchi should really learn to set boundaries.
"—Hey! Don't think too hard on it! Yamaguchi's also an oblivious idiot!" Hinata exclaims, before adding, "Endearingly,"
"I doubt that. He's pretty good at noticing things."
Noya glances off to side, to Yamaguchi's direction (which Tsukishima doesn't want to look, he's already feeling like he's been put into the sunlight for far too long). "Well, yeah, I'm sure he's noticed there'ssomething up with you, but he doesn't seem to know what it is. It looks like he's worriedly talking to Yachi, and I'm ninety-eight percent he's talking about you."
Tsukishima shakes his head. "How would you know that?"
"He's looking over here, that's why."
Tsukishima's head instinctively snaps towards Yamaguchi, and he is—correction, was—looking over, having turned away once they made eye contact.
"So you need to confess!" Hinata insists. "C'mon Tsukishima! You can't be a pussy!"
Noya nods. "You're a strong guy, Tsukishima! You've gotta do it!"
"…I'll think about it."
* * *
Confessing to someone is selfish. It's putting them on the spot, it's pressure to say yes. It's an invitation that'll feel wrong to deny but to accept isn't true to yourself.
That's Tsukishima's reasoning for not wanting to confess.
Yamaguchi's already a people-pleaser. If Tsukishima were to confess, he'd definitely feel pressured to say yes—that's not what Tsukishima wants. He wants facts, he wants the absolute truth— but he also doesn't want to get hurt.
He's selfish. He doesn't want to confess because he's afraid of Yamaguchi turning him down—whilst it'd be better than forcing Yamaguchi into a spot he doesn't want to be, it'd still be pretty shitty. (And by "pretty shitty" Tsukishima is sure he'd be hung up on it if Yamaguchi rejected him. It'd definitely ruin their friendship and Tsukishima doubts he'll ever have someone like Yamaguchi in his life.)
Loving someone is inherenity selfish.
To stare at the planes of their face and just watch. It shouldn't be allowed—to stare, that is. Tsukishima wishes that there was some rule against it, he hates staring at Yamaguchi's face because it's a reminder of how far Yamaguchi actually is. He's right there, dark fluffy blanket over his body and under his chin, but Tsukishima can't kiss him, can't hold his face and stare through his eyes, can't hold him.
You need to confess. Get it over with, embarrass youself, lose it all, and attempt to fix it all up.
Yamaguchi takes a deep inhale, an indicator of his sleeping state. Tsukishima can try, do a test run of a terrible confession, do it again during lunch and skip afterschool practice after Yamaguchi rejects him.
"I like you." he says tentatively before turning his head to stare at the blank wall. "No… It's more so—I love you."
It's humilating, confessing into the empty room, hearing his own, nervous, voice echo back. Yamaguchi takes another deep inhale.
"I love the way you react when you spot a cat, even more the way you get all sweet when you talk to it and giggle when it lets you pet it. …I love the way you always offer me some of your food, even though I always decline. I love the way your face flushes when I say something nice— or it's cold." Tsukishima looks back at Yamaguchi, he wants so badly to graze his fingers over his face, but it feels wrong to do whilst confessing.
He continues. "I love the way your eyes look in the sun. I love how you always want to get better, this drive to climb more and more. I love—" Tsukishima's breath hitches, watching the way Yamaguchi breaths steadily. "I love you."
Tsukishima, despite himself, brings up his hand to move a strand of hair from the middle of Yamaguchi's face. His fingers graze just on Yamaguchi's skin, and Yamaguchi's eyes flutter open.
Tsukishima blinks, Yamaguchi looks up at him and blinks. Did he hear that? Probably not—He must've woken up just now—
His face is red. It's a bright, vibrant color, quickly blossoming with every blink of his. It's probably the most flushed Tsukishima's ever seen him.
"You—" Yamaguchi starts.
"My mom needs me home." Tsukishima blurts out, coughing. "I— She's making dinner early, I can't let it get cold." He stands up, practically rolls off Yamaguchi's bed, and grabs his school bag. "Bye."
"Hey—Tsukki—Wait—"
Tsukishima books it out.
* * *
Tsukishima avoids Yamaguchi the entirety of morning practice.
He can't bare looking at Yamaguchi knowing Yamaguchi heard him spill his heart out—it wasn't even a good confession. He let his selfishness take over, and he doesn't know how to repair it.
"What did you do, Tsukishima?!" Hinata exclaims, walking up to Tsukishima. "Yamaguchi's not talking to you!"
"Nothing you need to know about." Tsukishima huffs.
Hinata seems to ignore Tsukishima. "Did he say no—or did you run off?!" Tsukishima makes a face. "You ran off… —Man up, Tsukishima! I'm sure he'll say yes!"
"You literally don't know anything. He most definitely won't say yes."
"How would you know? I'm good at these things, in junior high, I got my friend and this girl together and…"
Man up, Tsukishima. It's not a case of life or death.
* * *
Yamaguchi doesn't do anything. He doesn't nudge Tsukishima to look at drawings he does in his notebook, doesn't whisper stupid jokes riffing off the teacher's words, doesn't even look at Tsukishima.
Tsukishima doesn't really know what he expected. Of course Yamaguchi would be disgusted with Tsukishima's confession of loving every mudane thing he does—it's weird. It's selfishly wrong for Tsukishima to love his best friend like this.
Everything would've been totally fine if he had just—kept it all in and ignored Hinata and Noya's stupid advice (even though, it's not really their fault, he was going to confess. eventually).
"Tsukki, let's eat lunch on the stairs today." Yamaguchi mumbles. Tsukishima pauses, turning to look at Yamaguchi, who intently stares at his lunch box.
Yamaguchi wouldn't propose something like this, he hates confrontation, so whatever it is, it must be important for him to say. "Sure," Tsukishima grabs his lunch, "Let's go."
Talking on the stairs is a cliché, Tsukishima is aware, it's a cliché of awkward, sad conversations that you don't want to have. Its in those romance movies that Akiteru makes him watch (and sure, they have happy endings, but those are movies and this is real life—Tsukishima's realistic.).
Tsukishima settles down on the steps and opens his lunchbox.
"I like you." Yamaguchi quickly says as Tsukishima is bringing up his drink to his lips.
"Huh?" Tsukishima stutters. As friends, his mind supplies, he means as friends. "—Oh, as friends—Yamaguchi, you don't have to make that clear—"
"No—As in, I like-like you." Yamaguchi sputters. "Like—How you were saying last night."
Tsukishima furrows his brows. "You don't have to feel sorry for me and lie, c'mon Yamaguchi, I'll survive a rejection."
Yamaguchi huffs and sets aside his lunch to turn to Tsukishima. "Tsukki! I mean it—I'm—I'm just sucky at words, I'm sorry!" He brings a hand out to wrap around Tsukishima's wrist to catch his full gaze. "—I could tell you all the things I like about you, like you did—but you probably already know since I compliment you all the time—but—but…" Yamaguchi turns away. "I really love you, Tsukki!"
His face is flushed completely red, the hand on his wrist trembles slightly, and his eyes squeezed shut.
Tsukishima halts completely, his brain has nothing to supply him with besides the repeating mantra of Yamaguchi's voice of I really love you, Tsukki! Holy shit, Yamaguchi isn't lying. He's short-circuting right now, he's sure of that.
"You—Love me back?"
"How do you use that word so easily?!" Yamaguchi exclaims, looking back at Tsukishima. "Yes—I do! I-I have liked you… for a while."
"How long?"
Yamaguchi scrunches up his nose. "You always want to know everything—But if you must know, since we started junior high."
Tsukishima blinks furrows his eyebrows. "—That long? And I didn't know?"
Yamaguchi shrugs. "I wasn't obvious about it! Not really!"
"When did you know?"
Yamaguchi huffs loudly. "You're so nosy, Tsukki!" He grumbles. "If I tell you mine, you have to tell me yours! It—It was when you lent me your jacket when it was cold! —It sounds very mudane but it was when I realized that you were nice to me, and I guess it just clicked that I liked you."
Tsukishima huffs a laugh. "I don't even remember doing that."
"Now you!"
Tsukishima pauses—when did he start liking Yamaguchi? It's hard to track, he's always felt a feeling he couldn't name in his gut whenever he thought of Yamaguchi (which is a lot more than he likes to admit).
"—Maybe, I realized a bit when you were sleeping once when we were studying and I just— stared at you?" Tsukishima glances away, "I mean—I'm sure I've loved you longer, but I don't know when I started loving you."
"Stop using that word so much!" Yamaguchi exclaims, letting go of Tsukishima's wrist and pressing his hands onto Tsukishima's cheeks, staring at Tsukishima with—what is an attempt of—a menacing glare.
"You're cute, Yamaguchi." Tsukishima blurts out.
Yamaguchi groans. "Shut up, Tsukki!" He backs away, but Tsukishima's eyes stay flued to Yamaguchi's lips, and that pout.
* * *
"Lock up when you two are finished! Have a good night!" Daichi calls out as he leaves the club room.
Yamaguchi calls out an affirmative before turning to Tsukishima. "Did you really find out that you liked me when I was sleeping? That's a little weird," Yamaguchi comments, zipping up his coat.
"Well—Yours was a mudane, basic-decency thing."
"Yeah! But I was just existing and it clicked for you, when it clicked for me, I realized that you were nicer to me than everyone else! There's a difference!" Yamaguchi points out, wrapping his scarf around himself.
"That's not even true."
Yamaguchi laughs. "Yes it is!"
"No its not."
"Yes it is!" Yamaguchi exclaims. "You just don't want to admit that you get soft for your boyfriend!"
Tsukishima huffs and takes a hold of Yamaguchi's loosely done scarf, undoes it, and leans down to place a quick, barely-there, peck. Yamaguchi blinks and scoffs.
"Hey! I wasn't prepared for a kiss! Our first kiss, especially!" Yamaguchi takes Tsukishima's face in two gloved hands and pulls him back down.