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Dan is halfway through the box of miscellaneous items that Phil deemed too sentimental to throw away when they moved to the new house when he starts to feel a tinge of annoyance. Their previous apartments were filled with far too much junk gathered throughout years of being together. When they moved into the house they built themselves, Dan had decided enough was enough. He didn't need a random trinket they bought while on tour sitting at the bottom of a box to remind him of what they mean to one another. Of course, there were things he could never bear to part with, but he kept it small. He kept the things he could display around their new home to smile at whenever he wanted. He kept the rest in a much smaller, and more easily accessible box that he could go to when he needed a reminder. Everything he kept was thought through thoroughly, not just a random moment in their life, but something that really and truly meant something to him beyond compare.
Phil was different.
He wanted to keep every little object that had ever passed their hands. He would keep clothing for the simple sake of nostalgia. He would dye everything in the house green after being separated for two lousy months. Always such an idealist, who believes in the nonsensical whimsy like fate— and in turn whatever value he placed on this broken pot that Dan knocked over during a fight over ten years ago now.
It’s looking at this stupid fucking cracked pot that Dan feels the first vibration of annoyance, and maybe just a little fondness. He cannot begin to fathom what possessed Phil to keep such an object because he remembers the story behind this ugly pot they bought at Ikea all too well. It was not one of their finest moments, especially for Dan. And yeah, whatever, they came together in the end. They always do. So, why on Earth does Phil consider this kind of shitty memory of them so important that he would keep it in a giant tub of other much happier sentimental items.
Phil was only allowed one tub.
They talked in depth about what they would keep and what they would donate or sell off, but there were some items they just couldn't agree on. And after some debate, Dan agreed that Phil could keep one tub of items that Dan wouldn't be allowed to veto.
It didn't really take much convincing from Phil. As annoyed as Dan might seem, Phil wouldn't really be the person Dan fell in love with if he was filled with the same cynicism and lack of wonder for the unexplainable. Phil was utterly ridiculous, and half of his stories didn't make sense. And Dan has always loved him for it.
Dan could get rather emotional himself as well, so really, if he hadn't let Phil keep the tub— he would be a proper hypocrite.
He eventually manages to shove the pot to the side, and make a mental note to ask Phil about it later. He’s searching for something in particular at the moment. Phil used to keep some silly prop in the background of his videos from the first London apartment, and for whatever reason he tasked Dan with the process of finding it.
Dan’s already halfway through the box, and he’s spent a good fifteen minutes ruminating on the damn pot though. And he is not feeling good about his chances of finding some random elephant that he doesn't even remember what looks like.
He’s just about to give up, pushing aside some fake flowers that must have been from an old project Phil did when he sees it. Right there, thrown haphazardly in this tub of other random junk, below the pot, below the flowers— is a black square box.
Dan’s not quite sure how to pinpoint the emotions that run through him when he sees it. Immediately, it’s like his fight or flight is kicking in, and he’s debating just throwing the lid back on and yelling at Phil to find his own damn prop from 2014. He wouldn't have to think about the implications of it. The fact that Phil at some point bought this, and probably after realizing Dan wouldn't be interested in accepting it, threw it in a tub to likely not be seen again.
His second urge is to yell for Phil this second and start a fight about the whole thing. Which really, would be a stupid idea considering he doesn't even know what the fuck it's doing here. Would Phil really go out of his way to by a ring for Dan knowing how Dan feels about marriage. Has he been waiting for Dan to change his mind? The thought makes him sick.
However, neither fight or flight kicks in. He just stays frozen, staring at the box peeking at him next to the ugly flowers Dan had just pushed over haphazardly. Eventually, curiosity does get the better of him, and he just has to know. He tentatively grabs the box and opens it slowly, a bit shaky, but considering the situation he's remaining as calm as possible.
What he finds on the inside somehow makes it so much worse.
If Phil had offhandedly bought Dan an ugly engagement ring at some point in the past it wouldn't have mattered as much. It could have happened. Phil could have wandered by a store and bought one of those awful silver bands lined with diamonds, and Dan would have hated it. He could have thrown it in the box with an exasperated sigh. Maybe, he would have laughed a little at the idea of Phil falling for a pretty picture sometime in his twenties and impulsively buying the most basic ass engagement ring ever.
The ring is gorgeous, and even worse, so very Dan.
It is just a simple, black band— not a diamond in sight. Which is exactly what Dan would prefer if he wasn't so put off by the idea of marriage. When he looks close enough, he can vaguely see the engravement, a steady beating heart line. It’s perfect, and horrible all at once.
And Dan feels guilty.
To say that Dan and Phil had an unusual relationship was an understatement. It was quite typical at first, in many ways. Dan is by far not the only queer kid who was freaked out by their own sexuality, and had to grapple with understanding himself. When it was just the two of them in Phil’s room fucking around, and being young and in love. It was good. And although they loved Youtube, and the people they would meet through the site. There was no way they ever could have imagined what it would turn into.
He hates to think too hard on it, but in many ways Youtube probably caused Dan to go three steps back when it came to his self acceptance. There were always so many people watching him. All of these eyes and clicks that wanted to dig deep down into him and what he had with Phil. It terrified him. It caused him to spiral and backpedal and very easily, could have ruined everything.
If he hadn't had all these issues. If the fans and attention didn't burrow into his mind and life. Would this have been the future he could have had with Phil? Would he be less cynical and deterrent to the idea of marriage? Instead of rolling his eyes at Phil’s comments about “red string theory”— would he have agreed?
Would Dan be wearing this ring on his finger right now, instead of finding it abandoned at the bottom of some box?
“Dan, what's taking you so long?” Phil’s voice calls down the hallway. It’s light, and airy and the undercurrent is playful rather than truly annoyed. If Dan would have had enough time to think, he would have shut the lid and thrown the ring back into the box. Instead he doesn't move, and he doesn't respond to Phil’s voice as he hears the footsteps near. “Did you find— oh.”
Dan’s head jerks to where Phil is standing in the doorway. His cheeks are still slightly flushed, something that happens when he’s energetic and excitable. However, he seems speechless at this moment, which doesn't happen often. Dan quickly shuts the box with the beautiful ring closed and tosses it back into the abandoned tub before standing up fully.
“I couldn't find it, Phil,” Dan mutters, shoving the box towards his partner with his foot. “I don't know why you would expect me to know where this fucking prop is in the midst of all this other bullshit.”
“It's not bullshit,” Phil replies, with a small whine, but Dan can tell it's not just dramatics. There’s a furrow to Phil’s brow, which means that he is legitimately upset.
“Are you being serious Phil? What’s with the damn pot then? It’s broken, I think I asked you to throw it in the bin— what, over a decade ago?” Dan replies. The words are coming out more harsh than intended. And he’s not sure why he’s saying them. He doesn't care about the damn pot. He’s upset about the situation he put them in. And maybe, just a bit angry that Phil at one point wanted to marry him badly enough that he bought an engagement ring and never told him.
“It means a lot to me Daniel. You can't just undermine things I care about,” Phil replies sternly. Dan notes that Phil’s words aren't laced in anger, if anything, he’s being understanding. He’s explaining it to Dan on neutral footing, because they're equals and Phil doesn't like to fight. And Dan isn't sure why but this pisses him off more, and he suddenly realizes he wants to start a fight with Phil. He wants to get ugly, and angry, and be a massive twat. He wants to fuck all and say something massivelly passive aggressive about the whole situation. Something that would make both him and Phil feel bad and result in him locking himself away in some secluded part of the house for the rest of the night while Phil starts mapping out solutions in his head.
He takes a deep breath.
“I’m going for a walk,” Dan mutters, and he’s already slipping some shoes out from the wardrobe to leave the house in.
“Dan, please, I know you're not upset about the pot. We can talk about this,” Phil’s voice is understanding, but there's no mistaking the lingering anxiety also present.
After retrieving his shoes, Dan turns around and pulls Phil into a hug. Because, at the end of the day, no matter how pissy he is. Phil is his person. He's not going to leave him freaked out for no good reason. “You’re right, and we’ll talk, I promise. But at this second I’m kind of freaking myself out and I’d rather clear my head before crawling into my self depreciative hole and fucking this all up, okay?”
When they pull away, Phil looks sad but nods anyway, “You couldn't mess this up. You know that.”
“You can try telling me that again in twenty minutes okay?” Dan laughs, but it's broken, and he can tell it doesn't come off like the joke he intended it to be. Nonetheless, Phil seems to accept his answer and takes a step back for Dan to leave.
“Grab a coat okay,” Phil says, his voice a bit small, “It’s starting to chill outside.”
“Okay,” Dan replies. And he listens, making sure he grabs a coat and slips it on before making his way out the door. Because if Dan wearing a fucking jacket can provide Phil some semblance of comfort while Dan is causing all of this chaos. He’s gonna do it.
And when the first bit of wind hits his face, the damn jacket becomes all he can think about. Dan’s not the only one with issues. He knows that. Phil can be thoughtless sometimes, and has issues realizing when something small to him is a much bigger deal to Dan. Alternatively, he can also make something small into something huge and fail to communicate properly because he's worried how Dan will react.
But at the end of the day, Phil so genuinely cares like no one he’s ever met.
Even while Dan is rampaging through the house causing some shit storm. Phil is still gonna softly ask him to wear a jacket because it's cold out. When Dan spent a good portion of sixteen years being afraid of everyone's opinion of him. Phil never left his side once. He could be overbearing at times, but for the most part he understood, and gave space where it was needed. And Dan knows, truly, that Phil holds no resentment for it. Phil is happy. He’s so happy to just be by Dan’s side no matter what.
So why does Dan still feel like he fucked up so much of their time together?
Looking at that ring felt like some horrific reminder that he took something from Phil. Phil could have had an entirely different life with some other guy who wasn't- him. And Dan doesn't believe in the idea of fate. Dan chose Phil, and selfishly, he knows that he would choose him in every universe.
Phil believes in all of it. He believes with his entire being that the two of them were put onto this dying planet with a sole purpose to meet and build this crazy thing they have together. And despite not believing in any of it. There are times when Dan feels that way too. He feels it when Phil is fast asleep and stealing the covers from Dan in the middle of the night. He feels it when he’s got pizza grease on his fingers, and the lingering taste of ranch on his tongue, and Phil’s laughing at him red in the face. He feels it all the time.
But he doesn't believe in it.
Dan believes that he was an overly confident teenager with a crush. He had a goal in mind, and he got what he wanted. In fact, he got more than he ever could have dreamed of. The Phil he has isn’t just the weird and silly emo on the internet. His Phil is so much more than that. He’s everything and nothing all at once. He fits into Dan’s life like his own heart does. Phil is constantly there, and he's steady. Dan couldn't live without him.
And Dan has chosen him over and over.
He chose Phil when he saw him through a shitty webcam on Skype. He chose Phil when he realized uni wasn't what he wanted and couldn't decide his place in the world. He chose Phil when he first started feeling too perceived by everything around him. He chose Phil again when he had to take a step back from their joint career and re-evaluate. He always chooses Phil.
And if all of this is true. If fate is bullshit and the weapon of mass destruction that is Dan and Phil is something Dan chose.
Phil had to have chosen Dan too.
That’s the sentiment that leads Dan back to Phil and the home they built together.
When he steps back inside, he can immediately smell a few candles have been lit. This doesn't really surprise him. Dan doesn't always particularly love artificial sensory but it seems to calm down a nervous Phil.
He takes off his coat before making his way to the bedroom, where he’s sure Phil has made himself comfortable on the bed, scrolling endlessly through TikToks in an attempt to not freak out.
When he opens the door, Phil immediately puts the phone down, and Dan can see the ring box sitting on the bedside table next to him. Dan takes a deep breath and shoves his pants off before sliding in next to Phil and pulling him into his chest.
“I’m sorry for throwing a shit fit and being a proper dick,” Dan murmurs. He breathes in Phil’s hair, and he must have showered earlier because Dan can smell the shampoo clearly.
“I hate it when you apologize that way,” Phil replies, he’s taken Dan’s hand in his and has started twiddling with it absentmindedly. “We should talk about it.”
Dan sits up at that and runs his hands through his hair, “I just- I don't even know where to begin Phil? When did you get that? Why didn't you tell me? Did you forget it was in the box?”
“I mean kind of,” Phil replies, and Dan lets out a soft disbelieving laugh.
“You forgot you had an engagement ring laying around unused? You're unbelievable,” he huffs.
“I bought that back in 2013, and I haven't thought about it in forever okay?” Phil argues, but it makes Dan’s chest sink a bit.
“That doesn't even make sense. I mean- we had never discussed. It wasn't even legal yet Phil.” Dan says, and he can hear some of the distress pouring out of his voice. The implications of it all hitting him hard and fast. 2013 wasn’t even a particularly lovely year for the both of them, and yet Phil decided to buy an engagement ring— and forget about it.
“I mean that's kind of why I bought it, I guess,” Phil shrugs before continuing, “I knew I wanted to be together as long as possible, and marriage seemed kind of impossible, but I knew. I knew that if I ever did get married it would be you.”
It is this that breaks Dan inside out, and makes him feel like his chest is breaking in two, he can already feel water starting to burn behind his eyelids. “What the fuck Phil? So what? I told you in 2014 or 2015 or whenever the fuck that wasn't something I wanted, and you just accepted it? You had a fucking gorgeous ring hiding in a sock drawer somewhere, and let me shit all over a dream of yours.”
“I actually hid it with the laundry supplies,” Phil laughs, and Dan sends him the bitchiest glare he can muster. Phil sighs before continuing, “Yeah, I did accept it. I accepted it because I got Dan. And that was all I ever wanted anyway. Sure, I’m not going to lie and say I don't love the idea of marriage. We both know I like my sweets. But I don't feel any resentment about it. If we got married and you didn't want it. It’d be like I was shoving you in some box Dan, and I don't want that. I want you. You're all I’ve ever wanted.”
“Why did you keep it then,” Dan chokes out, “Have you been waiting for me to change my mind?”
“I’m a chill guy Dan,” Phil starts.
“Do not start a statement regarding this very serious situation with that please,” Dan scolds.
Phil looks at Dan with an unimpressed pout, “Dan, I love you, and I need you to understand me right now. I kept the ring because it means something to me okay? I like the reminder that I was sure about you all those years ago. And, I still am now. When I look at that box it doesn't make me ruminate on whatever made up future I know you have in your head. Where you're not Dan and supposedly ‘more normal.’ It makes me think about you, my Dan, and how I’ve always wanted every version of you.”
Dan is seriously crying at this point, “You're so fucking sweet sometimes, it's upsetting. I’m going to have two full therapy sessions over this entire situation, asshole.”
Phil laughs at this and the two settle back into a more comfortable position on the bed while Dan regulates his emotions again. Phil grabs the box from its place on the bedside table and looks at it.
“Do you want it?” Phil asks.
“You are not asking me to marry you right after a whole conversation about my marriage insecurity?” Dan deadpans.
“No- no,” Phil laughs before hurriedly clarifying. “I just think, I don't really need this anymore. I have plenty of reminders that you and I are in this forever. It just feels wrong to throw it away though. I mean- it was never mine. It was always yours.”
“What would I even do with it,” Dan huffs, “Can't exactly put it on my left hand without assumptions.”
“You could if you wanted. You’ve always liked being weird with expectations. Or you could put it on a chain or something. You could put it somewhere in the house. You could even throw it away if you wanted, I wouldn't be offended.” Phil replies.
“Okay,” Dan laughs, “I’ll accept your engagement ring that is not an engagement ring.”
Phil smiles at this, bright and goofy. “Can’t believe you gave in so easily.”
“And I can't believe I briefly considered I was ruining your life by not wanting to participate in some heteronormative tradition that was weaponized by both society and the government for years to make queer people feel like some sort of invalid other.” Dan replies.
Phil laughs, softly at this, tucking himself closer into Dan before whispering, “Tell me all about it.”
And so he does. He rants to Phil about how although gay marriage is good, he hates to think of it as an expectation. How gay marriage, despite what people think, isn't the be-all end all for queer liberation. How upsetting it is to think about how just because they can means they should. As if the relationship isn't valid until people get married. What about all the queer couples who never even got to see gay marriage pass? Did they not count? And how could society just expect every queer person to want something they never believed was even an option growing up?
He talks and talks, and Phil listens to every word, only getting distracted every once in a while.
And Dan knows without a doubt.
Phil chose him.