John Smith's Wild Wacky Hijinks 5

by Johnsmith67

Summary:

john smith and the gang come back together after some time apart due to the prior defeat of mickey mouse. join them as they go on their zany adventures!
the first 4 parts were found dead in the bronx

Chapter 1: the return of John Smith

it's been 1 year since the defeat of mickey mouse and john smith is on his morning commute getting mugged and raped in the bronx

"golly gee willikers" says john to jesus who was walking with him

"yep you've said that before" responds jesus

just then, they see parker fitzgerald flying overhead as the necromancer

"sup fuckers" says parker

"hey parker? can you give us a lift?" asks john

"sure" responds parker as he grabs the two and they fly back to their house. that's right, john smith is a homeowner now.

"golly gee willikers" says john while flying across the bronx

the 3 heroes arribe home and they all sit on the couch to watch breaking bad

"god i remember walter was a dick" says parker

"you said it" says john

just then, a portal appears in their living room

"HOLY CRAP GUYS HITLER IS BACK" says peter griffin

"woah peter slow down. you said hitler is back?" asks john

"yeah!! some guy resurrected zombie hitler!" says peter

"fuck" says jesus

and so the gang go through the portal to quahog to find it under attackfrom zombie hitler's zombie nazi army

"guys get down!" shouts jesus as he prepares his guns

"fuck me i thought we were done with this shit" says john smith as he recives a firearm from jesus

"we never get vacation days" says parker who prepares a magic attack

"nyehehehe i love words" says peter

and then the gang bust from their hiding spot and start mowing through nazi zombies. parker uses necromancy to explode some zombies while jesus and john shoot through nazi zombies. peter griffin uses the peter copter to crush zombies

"HAHA! ICH KOMME IMMER WIEDER ZURÜCK! BESIEGT SIE, MEINE MÄNNER, FÜR DAS VATERLAND!" shouts zombie hitler

jjst then, the jorse comes from the sky and crushes manhy zombies and kicks zombie hitler's head off

"jesus christ" says jesus christ

"well that ended well" says john smith

and so the gang open a portal back to john smith's hose

"jesus what the hell was that" asks peter

"i dont fucking kniw peter" says jesus

"it seems almost as if someone resurrected hitler?" says john

"well no shit" says jeuss

"guys stop fighting you sorry cunts!" yells parkr

"parker's right. we need to put our heads together" says john

[cut back to quahog]

a man who looks exactly like jesus walks up to hitler's head

"shhh it's okay gringo. im gonna get you back see?" says the man, and it's revealed to be hesus, jesus's hispanic brother from argentina who just so happens to be a nazi.

Chapter 2: john becomes a flat earther

"hey jesus" john says

"what's up dude?" asks jesus

'is the earth flat?" asks john

"what are you retarded?" assks jesus

"cause, like, i met this guy dale and he told me"- john in cut ioff

"dale is a fucking dumass" says jesus

"well i dont care! i think the earth is flat now!" shouts john

john walks out of the room

"it's just a phase dont stress about him" says parker who walks pasts jesus's room

"i fucking hate it here" says jesus

 

mealwhile, something interesting is happening in hesus's top secret base.

"yes my master i will bring you back" says hesus to zombie hitler's head

hesus prepares a mech based on walt disney's mech and prepares it by puttinb it's red nazi armband on. he places hitler's head in a stasis pod and he hooks up some wires to his brain.

"Ich bin wiedergeboren!" shouts hitler as he is being hooked up

just then, hitler's helmet is shut and he is formally transformed into Mecha Hitler with hesus's magical power and the power of his science friend: a brainwashed neil degrass tyson.

 

"John, if i take you to space, will you believe tat the earth is round?" asks jesus

"well yea but i dont think it will be" says john

"god this is exausting" says jesus

"you called?" says god who comes down from the sky

"oh hey dad. we need help showing john that the earth is round" says jesus

"oh i can help with that" says god

"hey there champ" says god to john

"i dont care tta you're god dale probably knows more than you!" says john

'kid, dale is a heroin addict who lives out of a motel." says god "you know what, i dont have time for this" and then god flings john smith into space

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OH FUCK OH SHIT IM FUCKYING DYING" says john

"wait why can i breathe" says john

"you can just breathe in space john" says god who follows him up

"god it;s so fukcing pretty" says john

"sure is. do you still belive that the earth is flat?" says god

"hell no. i've seen the earth in person, and my god she is not flat." says john

"very well" says god as he brings them back down to his house

"well do you beluve me now john?" asks jesus

"just to be a petty bastard, no i dont" says john

"fuck you" says parker

just then, a car is flung at them and crashes into john smith's house

"FUCK MY MORTGAGE" says john

they turn around to see a powered up epstien

"oh goddmanit here we fucking go again" says jesus

"god damnit" says parker

"shut the fuck up" says god and god goes back to heaven

"zoo wee mama" says john smit as they rush into action.

Chapter 3: epstein's rampage

epstein has returned once more and the gang are there to stop him

"damn epstein has returned so many times to the point where is doesnt even make sense" says parker

"you said it man" replies john

john quickly grabs a gun along with jesus from the bass pro in the bronx and parker flies them into battle. peter griffin also shows up with freddy fazbear's fazblaster

"oh hey. it's the gang that killed my boss!" shouts epstein

"he was gonna destroy the world along with you!" shouts john

"ok whatever man" says epstein

parker comes in and blasts epstein with a magic attack. john and jesus start lighting him up, but epstein is powered on some new form of energy alien to the gang. epstein uses this power to blast away the gang with yellow power

"holy shit he has the powers of jaundice man!" shouts john

"yea i can tell dickhead" says parker

parker tries to go through epstein's chest, and is swatted away. Epstein then grows to a masive size, become Kaiju Epstein. he starts hurling buildings at the gang, but just then jaundice man's son, jaundiceling comes down from the sky and punches the building right back at epstein, stunning him. he then uses his power to exctract the jaundice powers from epstein, shrinking him back down

epstein is now cornered by the gang

"so, how did you get these powers epstein?" asks jesus

"some nice hispanic guy gave me the heart of jaundice man. it never stopped beating, so i had a heart surgery where my heart was replaced with jaundice man's heart." says epstein

"you stole my dad's heart??" yells jaundiceling as he rips epstein in half

"i know who gave him the heart" says jesus

"who?" asks parker and john

"my nazi hispanic twin brother, hesus. he was under lock and key in heaven, but he slipped out to his home of argentina couple decades ago." says jesus

"well shit." says john

"if we wanna stop him, we're gonna have to get the gang back together." says jesus

they then teleport back to a wravanged quahog and go to the clam to find peter griffin

"peter. we need your help." says john

"who the hell are these guys?" asks joe swanson

"they look gay as hell that's for sure" says glenn quagmire

in response, jaundiceling blasts quagmire's head off

"j what the hell?" asks john

"i'll fix it dont worry" says parker as he resurrects quagmire

"ok dually noted, dont call the j gay." says quagmire

"the j... i like that name" says jaundiceling

"alright j, that's cool i guess. peter, are you in?" asks jesus

"hell yea this is gonna be freakin sweet" says peter

and so the gang go off on an adventure to reform the gang.

Chapter 4: reforming the gang

parker, john, jesus and peter and gathering supplies to pepare to reform the gang

"jesus do you think we'll need this flash drive full of porn" asks john

"yes it's essental to getting the gang back together" responds jesus

and so the gang open a portal to vinewood and they walk into los santos

"jesus christ it's so warm in here" says john

"cmon maybe we can go catch obama and freddy at their new movie premier" says parker

they rush over to the mobie theatre and find obama and freddy doing promo

"and then i said, hor hor hor hor hor" freddy tells obama

"freddy, this is the tjird fucking time you've told me this story" responds obama

"obama, freddy! we need your guys's help!" shouts jesus

"guys we've built a life for ourself out here. we're not leaving oit" says obama

"we'll give you this flashdrive full of jesus's porn" says john

"fuck it im in" says obama

"freddy, you stay here and hold down the fort" says parker

"ofc bbg" respinds freddy

after recruting obama, the gang goes to recruit Sans Undertale from the underground

"SANS WHO ARE THESE HOOLIGANS AT OUR FRONT DOOR??" shouts papyrus

"just some friends from the surface" responds sans. "what are you guys doing here?"

"sans, we need your help" says john

"fuck it i got nothing better to do." responds sans

 

Meanwhile, hesus is gathering his nazi zombie forces. he goes to bass pro shop and dives in the fish tank. he then, with his evil fucking nazi powers, turns all of the fish into nazi fish. he also steaks all the guns

"hey what the fuck man??" shouts billy badass

"we're gonna kick your ass!!" shouts timmy toughknuckles

hesus then calls mecha hitler, and mecha hitler tears apart billy badass and timmy toughknuckles and throws them in the fishtank for the nazi fish

"they were probably jews anyways" says hesus.

 

Meanwhile, john smith and the rest of the gang are preparing their assult on hesus

"alright gang, what to do to stop this nazi caneeving fuck" asks john

"you cant just 'stop' him, he's my brother. he's immortal" says jesus

"what about imprisioning him in a yellow prision?" asks john

"that could work, but the only one who can do that is somene of the jaundice race" says obama

"and jaundiceling is off planet" says peter

john thouyght for a second and came up with a solution

"do we know where jaundice man is burried" asks john

"yea right by central park" repsonds jesus

"i have an idea" says john

john leads them to the gravesite of jaundice man

"john why the fuck are we here" asks parker

"we're gonna dig this bitch up" responds john

"are you fucking high" asks jesus

"no im john smith" says john smith

and so they grab shovels and start digging up jaundice man's corpse. it was previously dug up by epstein as well, but it doent matter

they end up digging up jaundice man's corspse an they bring it back to john smith's house

"so why did we desecrate our friend's grave site" asks jesus

"check it" respinds john, as he blends up the remains of jaundice man and puts it in the last piece of super meth on earth. this empowers the super meth crystal with the powers of jaundice man, and forges the jaundice crystal

"gentlemen, i give you the jaunice crystal" sayss john smith as he puts it in the empty super meth blaster

"that's fucking sick" says jesus

and so the gang prepare their assult on hesus, who has set up his evil fucking base in argentina.

"you ready?" asks parker to the gang before they enter a portal to argentina

"fuck yeah" respinds john smith and they enterr the portal.

Chapter 5: assult on hesus

"ALRIGHT HESUS GIVE IT UP YOU DICK" yells jesus

"oh my brother, you're far too tate!" says hesus as his champion rises from the ground

"holy crap it's mecha-hitler!" shouts peter griffin

"WAS GEHT AB, IHR ARSCHLÖCHER?" shouts mecha hitler

"great" says john smith

and so john smith and the rest of the gang prepare their assult. jesus shoots at mecha hitler with a assult rifle, but mecha hitler tanks it. sans uses a gaster blaster, and succesfully shoots mecha hitler's arm off. however, a new arm grows from it's place and it has a machine gun that blasts at jesus. obama goes after hesus, and he uses a fazblaster against hesus. peter griffin goes in the weaponized petercopter and shoots at mecha hitler

they're evenly matched, and kit looks like hesus is about to get away. however, jhn smith prepares the jaundice blaster and blows a hole clean through mecha hitler's chest.

just then, the charlie kirk drones fall from the sky and knock dwon the petercopter, exploding it. peter griffin survives, and he gets into a chicken fight with the leader of the kirk drones, a newly revived robpot charlie kirk, also known as the kirkinator.

"golly gee willikers" says john smith. howeveer, hesus appears with a robot zombie nazi army, and tey all shoot at the jaundice blaster at once, destroying it.

"SHIT FUCK WHAT DO WE DO" shouts jesus

"i got a great idea" says john as he absrobs the crystal, becoming john smith yellow.

"holy crap" says peter griffin

"BRO HOW IS THIS SHIT FAIR" shouts hesus

"ariba" shouts john smith as he grabs hesus and throws him into the ground

"FUCK" shouts hesus

"oh hell yeah" says jesus

"im egregiously horny" says obama

john smith beats hesus, but hesus heals his own wounds and fights back with his evil fucking nazi powers

"you cant win gringo!" shouts hesus

"it's john smithing time" says john smith as he john smiths all over the place

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" shouts hesus as he is locked in a yellow prision. jesus then drags him to god

"hey dad i found this evil fucker reviving hitler and shit" says jesus

"god fucking damnit" says god "hesus how many times do i have to tell you that's bad. you're grounded as shit dawg" says god

"fuck" says hesus as he is banished to the darkest pit of hell.

"well gang, what the fuck do we do now" asks john

"we goon" replies jesus

john smith powers down and secures the jaundice crystal into a lockbox. they all go back to john's house and hold a big gay circle jerk with john smith in the middle. he had a great time

 

a couple hours later, john smith hears a knock at his door

"yes?" asks john smith

"MY NAME IS CASSIUS THUNDERCOCK, AND YOU'VE BEEN RECRUTED TO MY TEAM TO FIGHT IN WW3" says cassius thundercock

"fuck" responds john smith

Chapter 6: WWIII

"MY NAME IS CASSIUS THUNDERCOCK, AND YOU'VE BEEN RECRUTED TO MY TEAM TO FIGHT IN WW3" says cassius thundercock

"fuck" responds john smith

"WE DONT HAVE MUCH TIME THO, E GOTTA-"

just then, cassius is shot at by a newly unretired donald trump with a machine gun.

"CMON WE GOTTA SCRAM" shouts cassius

"BRO WHAT THE FUCK" shouts john smith

jesus and the necromancer then show up and they each attack trump wwith magic blasts. trump is hurt, but he uses his super-sayian powers to heal himself.

"that's right, im donald j trump. im going to conquer the earth because im evil and shit. i dont know what a grocery store is but whatever" says trump

cassius and the trio hop into cassius' thundercock jet where they find the rest of the gang waiting

"holy friggin crap you guys are here too?" asks peter griffin

"yep" responds parker

"we gotta kill trump" says jesus

"good thing i grabbed the jaundice crystal" says john smith

"holy peak" says obama

hwoever, trump comes out of the sky and chases after the ;lightspeed thundercock jet. he blasts it down and they end up over africa in bill clinton's warlord empire.

"ow my balls" says john

they ;ook arund and find the US millitary undee the command of trump fighting against bill clinton

"BILL CLINTON" yells trump

"DONALD TRUMP" shouts bill

"IM GONNA DEFEAT YOU BUBBA" shouts trump

"FAT CHANCE" responds bubba

just then, the islamic state of petoria comes rushing into battle under the leadership of john doe and jane doe. also joe biden from the IDF comes charging in to commit as many warcrimes as possible

"GUYS THSI IS STUPID" shouts john, but they all shoot him in response. john smith fucking dies.

"fuck" responds jesus, who tries to resurrect him, but he finds that he's all out of miracles for now

"dont worry gang i got this" says parker who promply resurrects john

"ow fuck my ovaries" says john

jesus then snaches the jaundice crysrtal and uses it to power u[p into Jaundice Jesus. He then uses this power to destory all of the armies of the warring nations

"BRO WHAT TE FUCJ" they all say in unison

"damn jesus you look hot as fuck" sayus the necromancer

"thanks gangalang" responds jesus

they go over to confront bill clinton and trump, but they find donald trump sucking off bill clinton

"bro what te shit is this" asks john

"it's hot" says parker who takes photos of it and sends it to putin

"Ха! Это очень смешно!" says putin who decided not to speak englush this chapter

"man this is so fuckuing funny it's just like the time i smoked weed in the back room of a chuck e cheese" says peter griffin

(CUTAWAY)

"nyehehehehehehehe rats" sYS peter

(RETURN)

"GOOD JOB TODAY MEN. I'LL CALL YOU AGAIN IF I EVER NEED YOUR HELP" says cassius thundercock

cassius thunderock then teleports the gang back to john smith's house, but they find new york under attack

"holy shit we never catch A BREAK" sjhouts john

"what's destroying the bronx this time" asks jesus

"it looks like a 2009 Dodge Challenger" says parker who flies up to get a better look

in the front seat is george washington who has been unfrozen after 250 years and is running amuck

"well shit" says john

Chapter 7: the return of washington

parker turns back into the necromancer and flies him, jesus, and john to washington. peter griffin hops in the petercopter and obama stays home and smokes a fat blunt

"Washinton! It's benn 250 years!" yells john, but george wahsunhgton fucking runs him over

"JRBJWBNQCKBWHWKHV FUCK MY ARTERIES" shouts john

"you are healed dawg" sayd jesus after healing him

"golly gee willikers thanks gangalang" says john

"anytime" says jesus as george washington tries to run him over, but he punches the car so ahrd it shatters into hundreds of pieces.

"well shit" says george

just then, the car mysteriously reassembles and takes flight into the petercopter

"holy crap" says peter as he fucking dies

"FUCK" says the necromancer as he revives peter and delivers him safely of the ground]

"wow thanks parker" says peter

"no problem peter" says parker as he sends a dark magic blast at the 2009 Dodge Challenger

"ow fuckballs" says george. just then, multiple machine guns and a rocket launcher extend from the car and start attacking parker. parker is shot in the leg

"OW FUCK MY ARM" says parker

"but you were shot in the leg??" asks john

"oh fuck my fault gang" says parker

jesus uses the power of the holy bible to summon a lightning bolt that stuns the car. parker blasts through the windsheild and they corner george washington

"so what the fuck re you doing george" asks john smith

"meth" responds geaorge

"oh makes sense" says jesus and they let george go home.

they all return to their respective times, but before that obama gives them all pagers and teleporters

"this should keep us in touch in case another emegrency happens" says obama

"very well" says john and they all go home

Chapter 8: john smith makes pancakes

it's a waem day in the bronx and john smith has a great ide

"IM Gonna go and make pancakes fo brekfarst" he says "but i cant do this alone"

"JESUS PAREKER WAKE THE FUCK UP" he shouts into their rtooms

"john it's 2 in the morning" says jesus

"I DONT GIVE A FUCK WE"RE MAKING PANKASES" replies john

and so the three all come together to make pancakes

"uh oh" says john

"what" asks jhesus

"we dont have any pancake mix" says john

"im going back to bed" says parker before john grabs his shirt

"we're in this together you fat fucking cunt" says john

they hop in the new 2012 chevy equinox and thy head to walmart to buy pankake mix

"hello welmcome to walmart" says the greeter, who just so happens to be king jullian from madagascar

"hi we need pancake mix" says john

"oh sory my friends we're all out. we just sold our last box to Hatsune Miku" replies king julian

"fuck me in the fucking ass" says jesus

"ok" says john

afterwards, they head over to miku

"hey miku, we need tat pancake mix" says john

"まさか！これは私のパンケーキミックスだよ。" says hatsune miku

"great. speak english" SAys parker

"oh sowwy. this is my pancake mix" says miku

"fuck. can you help us find more?" asks jesus

"yea ofc gang" says miku

and so miku joins the trio and they head to 7-11

"hey fuckers" says the casheir

"we need pancake mix" says john

"no can do." says the cashier

"well fuck" says miku

"cmon gang" says parker. they look in every store in the bronx, but cant find any

"gang i have an idea" says jesus, as he opens a portal to the pancake mix dimension

they walk into the portal, but the teleporter glitches out and sends them to hell

"fuck" says parker

"neyehehehhee it is i satan lucifer" says satan

"holy fuck is that satan" asjks hatsune miku

"miku, stay back" says the trio and they start fighting satan.

parker uses a magic blast to restrain satan, while jesus uses his divine powers to attack satan. Jhn Smith uses the jaundice crysta; to become John Smith Yellow and be starts blasting sattan with the power of yellow. however, satan does a spin attack and knocks the 3 away.

miku powers up and uses her miku miku beam to imcapacitate satan

"MIKU MIKU BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM" shouts miku

"holy shitballs" says john

"cmon we have to go" says miku. jesus opens a portal back to walmart and they accidentally make the walmart explode

this cripples king julien, who is very sad

"i cant move it move it anymore." says king julien

"holy fuck what is that" asks parker, who sees a box in the rubble. they go over to investigate, and they find 1 box of pancakes in thre back.

"holy fucking shit" says john

"well, my work here is done" says miku

"miku wait, do you wanna make pancakes with us?" asks jesus

"ofc" responds miku

and so they all go home and make pancakes and they have a great time until john smith burns thre house down 3 hours later because he left the stove on

"well shit" says john

Chapter 9: the amazon rain forest

"JESUS HAVE YoU SEEN MY AMAZON PACKAGE" asks john

"no man it hasnt come yet" replies jesus

"great it's parker's britday gift" says john

"well you'll just have to go and ask customer service" syas jesus

"fuck" says john

and so jesus and john go to amazon customer services

"hello welcome ot amazon custmer services" says the amazon worker, who just so happens to be jonesy from fortnite

"hi jonesy fortnite we need my package" says john

"well there's nothing we can do. i mean, you could to go our base of operartions" says jonesy

"welp we're going to the amzon" says john smith

so john smith and jesus christ get on a plane to brazil and they go to brazil

"oww brazil" says jesus

"i fucking hate brazil" says john

"why do you hate brazil john?" asks jesus

"cause" says john

"fair enough" says jesus

they land in the brazil airport and they teleport to the amazon rainforest

"here we are. the amazon" says john

"this place fuckng sucs" says jesus

"i wanna sucj you" says john

"what" asks jesus

"i plead the fifth" says john

they treck through thick jungle and they end up in jeff bezos's secret fucking amazon factory

"here we are. amazon" says jesus

they burst through the door and they find jeff bezos using the present john smith got for parker

"WHAT THE FUCK WHAT ARE YOU DOING" asks john smith who uses the jaundice crystal to turn into John Smith Yellow"

"erm akward" says jeff bezos whonhas his dick in parker's present

john smith turns jeff bezos yellow and grabs a new gift for parker. he then uses his yellow supernova power to destroy the amazon facility. this also stafrts a fire, and john burns dwn the entire amazon rainforest

"well gang alls well that ends well" says john smith

"you burned down the entire fucking amazon rainforest" says jesus

"yea and" asks john

"that;s fucking sick" says jesus

and then they made out on the fight home

when tey return, it's parker's birthday

"happy birthday you cunt" says john and jesus

"golly gee willikers thanks gang" says parker

he opens his present and finds a pipe bomb. the house explodes immediately after

Chapter 10: neil degrasse tyson returns

it's a warm day in the bronx and jesus, john, and parker are at popeyes

"fuck yeah i fucking love fucking popeye's" says john

"im unbeliveably horny" says jesus

"im gonna smoke some weed" says parker

everthing is going well, until Neil DeGrasse Tyson bursts through the window with a mechanical claw arm and rips john's heart out

"goddamnit john this is the third time this week" says parker

"i got this, you revive john" says jesus, who raises rocks from the ground with his divine powers to temproarily block Neil. Meanwhile, Parker uses his necromancy powers to revive John

"golly gee willikers this is a great time" says john

"shut the fuck up" says jesus, who gets punched through the rocks. neil then grabs jesus, and starts choking him

"fuuuuucckk" says jesus

"jesus kick him in the balls!!" shouts john

jesus kicks him in the balls, and neil collapes onto the floor in pain

"OW FUCK MY BALLS YOU CUNT!!" shouts neil

jesus then uses hs divine powers to wipe neils brainwashing

"holy crap is that jesus christ" says neil

"fuck yeah im jesus fucking crhist" says jesus fucking christ

"but i thought you didnt exist" says neil

"have faith or get raped" responds jesus

"oh please piss off" responds neil

"so are you going to run away now?" asks john

"yea sure" says neil. neil runs away, but not before dropping a machine out of his pocket

"whoah what the fuck is that" asks john

"i dunno" says jesus, who telepathicly brings it towards him

"try using it" says parker

jesus presses some buttons, and a portal opens

"well, wanna do something foolish?" asks jesus

"fuck yeah broseph" responds

and so the trio go into the portal and they end up in a similar looking popeyes, but it's older

"goddamn i feel like im back in 99" says jesus

they look at the calendar on the wall, and they see it's May 1999

"well fuck it is 1999" says john

parker then goes out and brings back Ronald Reagen from the dead for no aparent reason

"sexy" says jesus

"can you return us home??" asks john

"i could, but just to be petty i wont" says jesus

jaohn pauses for a second

"YOU FUCKER" shouts john as he grabs a chicken drumstick and starts beating jesus with it mercilessly

"OW FUCK WHAT THE HELL DUDE" shouts jesus

"BRING US HOME!" shouts john

"OK FINE ALRIGHT JESUS CRHIST" yells jesus christ. he then uses the machine to return home

"so now what do we do now that we have access to time travel?" asks parker

"i know what we mjst do" responds john

"what is that, babycakes?' asks jesus

"We're gonna go back in time to the first thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu." says john

"huh??" asks jesus

"That's right, we're going back in time to the first thanksgiving to get turkeys off the menu" john tells the audicence at home

Chapter 11: the first thanksgiving

"jesus, punch it" says john to jesus, and jesus uses the time traveling device to send the trio to the first thanksgiving

they end up in plymouth, and jesus holds the native american cheif at gunpoint

"ALRIGHT LSITEN UP CUNTS AND RUNTS, YOU'RE NOT GONNA EAT TURKEY ANYMORE!" shouts jesus

"well then wnat the fuck do we eat you dumb shit" responds peter pilgrim

"I dont know, figure it out!!" says john

and so the gang's job is done, and they return home.

 

however, when they return, they find that the world is a dystopian hellscape

"woah what the fuck happened here" asks jesus

"i dont know. let's ask award winning actor and not award winning musician Will Smith" says john

and so they go to will smith

"hey will smith" says john

"hey john smith" responds will

"what the fuck happened here" asks jessus

"well the world ran out of native americans to eat for thanksgiving and it all went to shit" says will smith
"wait so we eat native americans for thanksgiving??" asks parker in shock

"precisely my dude bro" responds will smith

"fuck we fucked up" says jesus

"fuck gang, we went back to the first thanksgiving to get native americans on the menu" says parker

"well we got a timeline to fix" says john, and they head back in time to save the world

 

when they return, they run to the dinner, and yell at them

"EAT THE FUCKING TURKEY YOU CUNTS" shouta john

"JUST EAT IT" shouts parker

"IM HORNY, WHO WANNA FUCK" shouts jesus

"alright ok jeez" says the native american chief

the 3 return home and they find the world back to normal

"welp gang, we succesfully got native amercians off the menu." says john

"where did i get a flash drive full of child porn??" asks jesus

"it dont matter, lets go home" says parker, and parker flies jesus and john back home, only to find the house on fire

"fuck" responds john, as they see dale the drug addict with the jaundice crystal

"I AM NOW DOOM DALE, AND IM GONNA KILL YOU!!!" shouts dale

"well golly gee willikers" says john

Chapter 12: Doom Dale

"dale, why???" shouts jesus

"because i need to find Super Mario and kill him, but i also kinda wanna kill you guys too." says doom dale

"what the fuck but i love mario kart wii" says john smith

"i dont give a fuck!!!" shouts doom dale as he blasts John Smith with Yellow Power, imcompacitating him

"goddamnit choke me up and tell me i've been a bad boy" says jesus

"dude, do we need to have a talk??" asks parker

"probably, but there's no time for that!!" says jesus, and the two rush at doom dale

doom dale is able to block most of their attacks, but Jesus manifests a divine spear and puntures dale's chest. however, dale uses the jaundice regeneration power to absorb the divine spear into his body, giving him divine powers

"fuck me we're so cooked" says jesus

"dont worry chat i got this" says john smith who throws a piece of wood at him. this somehow scares doom dale enough to make him flee, and he drops his bag of meth

"dude, how the fuck did that work" asks jesus

"i have crazy plot armor" says john

"call me crazy, but i think I have an idea" says parker. "but to fufil it, we're gonna need the help of an old friend..." says parker

 

John, Jesus, and Parker then all open up a portal to hell, and they talk to satan

"heyyy satan, no hard feelings right?" asks jesus

"fuck off, what do you queers want" asks satan

"were looking for Walter Hartwell White" says john

"yea he's over there. he's actually my gymp" says satan

"thanks gang" says parker

"parker please make out with me" asks satan

and so while parker and satan are making out, they go and grab Walter White

"what could you possibly want from me" asks walter

"you're an insanely talented meth cook, and we need your help to recreate Super Meth." says john smith

"alright gang i got nothing better to do" says walter

"but f you betray us, i'll tell my dad" says jesus

"aight bet" says walter

after recruiting walter white, they all go to john smith's randomly rebuilt house in order to prepare to head to walter's meth lab to start cooking.

"john want some fent?" asks jesus

"ofc dawg" says john, who immediately dies

"goddamnit jesus" says parker, who resurects john

"alright, no more fcking around you cunts" walter starts "it's time for us to fucking cook."

Chapter 13: They Break Bad

"alright faggots here we are" says walter white as the gang arrve at the meth trailer

"why do i smell chemicals and broken promises" asks jesus

"im gonna do all of the meth" says john

"fuckers focus we're here to make more super meth" says parker

they walk into the meth lab and walter starts cooking a shit ton of meth

"it's mething time" says john smith as he meths everywhere

"stop mething im gonna cum" says jesus

parker just stares disaprovingly

"can you two stop touching eachother while im trying to work" asks walter white

"shut the fuck up walter we're gooning" respond s jesus and john

parker then kicks john in the ribs and breaks all of his internal organs

"jesus christ" says jesus crhist

"stop fucking eachother" responds parker

"bring him back right now mister" says jesus

"only when you promise to stop spooning eachother rn" responds parker

"ugh fine" responds jesus

then parker brings back john smith

"alright jesus let's passionatley make out" says john

"cant my husband will get mmad" says jesus

"shut the fuck up" responds parker

"will you sorry cunts shut the fuck up while im cooking meth we need this shit to save your dumb asses." says walter

the trio then spend their time smoking weed and doing copius ammounts of meth.

 

meanwhile, Doom Dale is at the wreckage of the planet fitness in the bronx. it was abandoned after the battle between The NEcromancer and Jaundice Man in chapter 15 of John Smith's Wild Wacky Hijinks 4. Doom Dale then uses his divine powers to absorb all of the Necromantic Energy from the magical energy in the planet fitness. he then powers up into Doom Dale 2.

"it's doom daleing time" says doom dale

 

after some time, jesus parker john and walter have finished cooking up meth

"fuck yeah meth" says john

"but how do we turn it into super meth" asks jesus

"i got this chat" says parker, who uses his power to enchant the meth into super meth

"fuck yeah im super bricked chat" says john

"well, then lets go kill a crack addict" says walter

and so the gang all takes super meth, and they all power up. Parker turns into the Super Necromancer, jesus turns into Dark Jesus, walter turns into Walter the Dark, and John turns into John Smith Prime.

Chapter 14: the epic reveal

jesus john walter and parker are all flying to the mushroom kingdom to protect mario before doom dale can rip his spleen out

"so why do you guys think dale is mad at mario" asks jesus

"probably have someting to do with mushrooms" says john

just then, they arrive at the mushroom kingdom to orotect mario, but there is yellow lightning chrashing down on the kingdom

"well shit fuck my ass" says jesus

"dude that doesnt even make sense" replies parker

"do i have to do to you what i did to the nation of serbia back in '99?" asks jesus

"fuck no" responds parker

"that's what i thought queer" says jesus. they start passionately making out until Doom Dale finally arrives to kill mario

"stamd back. you dont know what you're doing" says dale

"we cant let you kill mario!!" shouts john

"he isnt who you think he is!!" shouts doom dale, but ii's too late, as they are already in battle. jesus christ uses a crystal super meth dword and slices at doom dale. dooom dale, frusterated, uses divine telepathic powers to smash jesus into the ground. parker rushes dale, and drags him into the ground. they end up in the underground of the mushroom kingdom, and dale smashes parker agsindt a wall

walter the dark suddenly appears to blasts doom dale, but doom dale has other ideas. he absorbs the super meth blast, and sends that shit right back at him. walter is promply obliterated

"FUCK NO WALTER" cries john

john then sneaks up behind dale and grabs the jaundice crystal from his pocket. he uses it to power up and become John Smith Yellow Prime

"fuck me" says Doom Dale, who is now at a standoff with John Smith. but just then, he is chopped in half by Dark Jesus with his super meth sword

"fuck yeah jesus" says john

"thats rihht-" jesus starts but he is stabbed in the chest with his own super meth sword by mario

"NO FUCK" cries parker

"itsa me a mario anda ima evil anda shita" says mario

"great." says john snith. he picks up Jesus' body, and they all flee to his house in the bronx

"you can a run, but a you cant a hide" warns mario

 

they set jesus on the table and inspect his wounds

"damn normally jesus would just resurrect" says parker

"the super meth must be corrosive to divine magic" says john

"well now what the fuck do we do?" asks parker

"we need to go to heaven" says john as he grabs a gun and shoots parker, and then he kills himself.

Chapter 15: The Death of John Smith

when john smith wakes up, it's in a white void

"holy fuck is that dave and busters" asks parker who is also waking up

"welcome to heaven john smith" says god

"yo god we're kinda only here because we need your help" says john

"with what?" asks god

"jesus is dying. we need your help to bring him back and stop someone else" says john

"fuck" responds god

"can you help us?" asks john smith

"nah i dont like intervining" says god

"he's your fucking son!!" shouts parker

"ok idont like you or your shouting, go away" says god as he flicks parker back down to earth

"what the hell did you do?" asks john smith, but he immediately wakes up back in his living room

"what the shit happened?" asks john

"i brought you back to life. he's not helping us." says parker

"cant you just bring back jesus?" asks john

"nah he's a divine being. even my powers have limits." says parker

"well then if we cant have jesus, we can have someone close" says john

 

John and Parker and preparing a summoning circle, and they start chanting

"Affer nobis Iesum, scortum" they chant. and it works. out from a helllish portal, Hesus, Jesus's hispanic twin brother from argentina who just so happens to be a nazi rises

"what's up amigos" says hesus "wait i remember you fucks now. what do yous want" asks hesus

"hesus we need a being of divine power. can you help us??" asks john

"sure thing bud." says hesus

"and if you betray us, we get your dad" says parker

"fuck" responds hesus

 

feeling like the 3 of them arent enough, john smith uses his pager he got from obama, and the entire gang all show up

"so, where's the fight." asks sans

"yes it is i, once again, former president barack hussein obama the third." says former president barack hussein obama the third

"so what's up now?" asks jaundcieling

"holy crap the gang is back together" says peter griffin

"can we hurry this up?? toys arent gonna make themselves!" shouts santa

"alright. im just gonna lay it straight for you fucks. jesus is gonna die, so we brought hesus. we have enough super meth for each of us, and i call dibs on the jaundice crystal." says john smith

just then, john smith opens a portal to the mushroom kingdom, and they prepare to attack mario

"you fucks ready" asks john

"hell yeah" they all respond

and so the gang, led by john smith all go into the portal ready to conquer mario.

until john smith is immediatley shot in the chest by a super meth beam

"that's insane, how does Mario have super meth??" shouts parker

then it's revealed, Santa was actually Loki, who had shapeshifted into Santa and was working for Mario

"sorry fellas, all's fair in love and war" he says

john smith is fucking dying, and parker cant do anything because he isnt dead yet

"you are healed brother" says hesus, who heals his wounds, and the gang rush into battle.

Chapter 16: the battle of the mushroom kingdom

the gang rush into battle against mario. mario uses the toads to fight against the gang, but they are no match. john smith powers up into John Smith Yellow Prime and wipes out a good ammount of the toads with one magic yellow blast. Hesus turns into Light Hesus, and blasts away many toads.

Parker turns back into the Super Necromancer, and peter griffin powers up the petercopter with Super Meth, turning it into a formidable fighting machine.

he goes in for divebomb attacks against Mario, but mario has the super meth that Loki gave him, and Mario, with the power of the Super Star, punches the petercopter into pieces, and kills Peter Griffin with one touch

"NO PETER GRIFFIN IS DEAD!!!" shouts john

"not today!!" shouts parker, and he brings Peter Griffin back to life. Peter grabd the super meth from the destroyed peter copter and takes it, becoming buff peter griffin. He has a fist fight with Super Mario, who's super star has worn off.

It's a close fight, but Peter Griffin is thrown off the roof of peach's castle and breaks his spine. Hesus is too busy to heal him, so Peter is just crippled now

Hesus, as light Hesus, throws a super meth axe at Mario

"NO HESUS, DONT!!" shouts john,

but it's too late. Mario catches the axe, and throws it right back at Hesus, effectively killing him.

"fuck" says sans, who is so distracted by the defeat of Peter and Hesus, that he doesnt notice a toad about throw a rock at him. the rock hits him, and sans immediately dies.

"FALL BACK I REPEAT FALL BACK" yells john, but when parker is about to revive Sans, he is struck by a fireball that distracts him. Parker is then douced in gasoline by yoshi, and Mario sends another fireball at him, lighting him on fire and killing him

"NOO PARKER MY POOKIE BEAR" cries john smith. he turns around to see obama already dead, as loki stabed him through the chest with his scepter. all that is left is Jaundiceling and John Smith

"John, I know what we must do." says jaundiceling

"I agree" says john, and the two fuse into Jaundice Smith.

"Mamamia, your gay little fusion wont work a ona me!" says mario, as he uses another super star to punch the two out of their fusion state.

"FUCK" says john smith, and he watches as Mario crushes jaundiceling's head in with a single punch

"oh, too bad for you, Johnny." says mario as he beings to approach john smith. however, he is then stabbed in the chest with a crystal super meth sword

"what the shit" asks john

"MAMA MIA" says mario as he turns into small mario. he then pulls out a super mushroom and turns big again. he turns around to see Jesus Christ, overflowing with divine energy

"JESUS, YOU'RE ALIVE!!" says john

"thanks to the big guy upstairs" says jesus

john then hears an overpowering voice from the sky

"rise, my children" says the voice, and all of the fallen heroes wake up good as new

"holy crap my spine!" says peter

just then, god comes down from the sky and confronts mario

"you canta do this! im a GOD!" shouts mario

"yea, well im THE GOD. take a seat" god says as he summons a chair for mario and magically bonds him to it

"whata are youa gonna do??" asks mario

god then slams his fist down on mario, crushing him instantly

"welll that was easy" says jesus

"easy for you to say you cunt!!" shouts john

"alright. let's go home" says jesus, and they open up a portal back to the bronx.

Chapter 17: peter griffin does 9/13

"nyeheheheh hey john, thanks for letting me stay over so i dont have to deal with lois" says peter

"yea ofc bbg" responds john

"why does he have to take my fucking room??" asks parker

"you've slept with jesus before it's fine" responds john

"yea but not like that!!" shouts parker

"whatever bromosapien" replies jesus

just then, peter griffin hops in the new peter copter and goes to get groceries

"neyehhehehe this is fun" says peter. he goes to the newly rebuilt walmart to buy orange juice. however, the peter copter is blown away by a mystical wind

"wooaahhh!" shouts peter griffin

just then, they see Hesus blowing the peter copter with his divine winds

"hahahaha fuck you peter griffin" says hesus

however, the winds became out of control, and peter griffin used the super meth to go away quick, but the speed is too much to control and peter griffin crashes into the world trade center. the world trade center then collapses. this event became known as 9/13, because george w bush already did 9/12 in the last book. peter griffin somehow survives, and walks away into a bar

john smith is watching the news, and sees the destruction

"well fuck" says john

"i got this chat" says jesus, as he uses his divine powers to rebuild 1 world trade center.

"man it would have been really funny if you didnt rebuild it" says john

"what why" asks parker

"yes" responds john

peter then walks through the door completley drunk

"bdskabz43ygfrx ,hjbfbje brtbgfzxxhdjhbvbfjbjjballs" says peter

"peter what the fucking cock sucking dick licking jizz chugging butt fucking shit is wrong with you" asks parker

"nyeheheheheheh theat was funnt" says peter

"you're a cunt" responds john

"cum" responds peter

Chapter 18: john smith vs the irs

john smith ois at home jorking it peacefully

"golly gee willikers im so glad i can jorki t in peace ovr here" says john

just then, he hears a knock on his front door

"im going to fucking kill someone" he says. he opens the door and finds a man in a black suit there

"can i help you??" asks john

"im agent cumshot, and im with the irs" says agent cumshot

"what the fuck is the irs" asks john

"you havent been paying your taxes. ever" says agent cumshot

"what the fuck are taxes??" asks john

"you dont know what taxes are??" asks jesus, who walks into the background as the audience starts cheering

"nope" says john

"then what do you know??" questions jesus

"lactating pregnant latinas" replies john

"based" says agent cumshot "but anyways, pahy your fucking taxes or we're gonna kill you to the fucking death"

"zoo wee mama" says john

agent cumshot then closes the door and hesus then cums down the chimney into john smith's fireplace

"ooo krispy kreme glaze" says parker as he slurps it uop

"parker what the fucking shit" asks jesus

"what i love donuts" says parker

"that's cum you dumb fucking moron" says jesus

"yea i know" replies parker

"guys how am i supposed to pay the ten bajillion dollars i owe in taxes??" asks john

jesus grabs the bill "john you owe 5 dollars" says jesus

"ohhh so that's how you spell 5" says john

"you're retarded" says jesus as he pulls 5 dollars out of his urethra

"nah fuck that" says john smith as he absorbs the super jaundice crystal and becomes John Smith Yellow. he then goes to irs headquarters and completley blows it up. until agent cumshot shoots him in the arm

"ouchie that kinda huwwt" says john smith

"im gonna crack you" says agent cumshot

"nyuh uh" replies john

"yuh huh" replies agent cumshot

john then blasts him into the stratosphere. obama then flies up to meet him with his dick helecopter

"hey there champ, howzagoin" asks obama'

"i might be too high on super meth" says john

"crazy, me too" says obama as he flies off into the sunset

 

john smith then returns home and goons all day because he's earned it.

Chapter 19: john smith meets jschlatt

john smith is chilling in a cardboard box in his living room trying to suffocate himself

"what the fuck are you doing john" asks parker who walks in to watch porn on the big tv

"trying to suffocate myself in this box" replies john

"...you're a retard" says parker

"yes i fucking am you got a problem with that abelist?" asks john

"yes" responds parker

"fuck he's got a point" says jesus who was sitting there the entire time

"im going to subway" says john. john then walks over to the new york subway and hops on a train. in the train, they're playing Tom Jones' "What's New, Pussycat?"

"fuck yeah i love what's new pussycat" says john smith. when he arrives at the bus stop, he finds a man with ugly ass mutton chops brutally murdering several innocent people in the new york subway

"ooo cool can i join" asks john smith

"eh sure kid knock yaself out." says the mutton chopped fella

and so they spend the afternoon murdering many people in the new york subway

"man this is just like what i did back in '99" says mutton chop man

"so what's your name brosiah?" asks john

"the name is Schlatt. Jschlatt." says Schlatt

"holy fuck famous youtuber Jschlatt??" asks john

"yep" responds jschlatt

"arent you a republican" asks john smith

"grrrrr i hate sleepy joe" says schlatt

"y'know i actually met him once. he was very sleepy" says john

"frfr gang?" asks schlatt

"yup" responds john "wanna go to subway?" he asks

"no we should go get new york pizza cause the new york accent is my entire fucking personality" responds schlatt

 

jschlatt and john get pizza, but then jesus and parker bust through the door

"john who is this" asks parker

"this is my friend jschlatt" responds john

"didnt he do 9/11 or something" says jesus

"9/11 WAS A NATIOnAL TRADGEDY YOU CONEVING INSIGNIFICANT FUC- wait is that jesus christ" says schlatt

"do you want an autograph on your juicy long shlong schlitoris?" asks jesus

"fuck yeah" responds schlatt

and so they all eat pizza and live happly ever after for like 6 minutes until the jaundice force come down to eartth into the pizza shop

"Master John, Master Jesus, Bitch Parker" says Jaundice Soilder

"what the fuck why am i the bitch" asks parker

"what do you need?" asks john

"our planet has just been destroyed by a new threat." says Jaundice Soildger

"by whom? asks jesus

"by the mythical King Von" responds Jaundice solider

"fuck me in my tight little asshole and call me a pretty fucking slut" says jesus. everybody disapprovingly stares at him

"what should we do?" john asks

"we need you to go to his base of operations: the land they call Ohio" says Solider

"goddamnit" responds john

 

offscreen, john smith also gives a massive smooch to Ao3 user Fusionzjosh

Chapter 20: john goes to ohio

john smith, jesus christ, and parker fitzgerald all hop in their 2012 chevy equinox and prepare their journey to hell

"fuck we gotta go to ohio" says john smith

"im gonna kill myself" says parker

"im ready to blow up an abortion clinic" says jesus

"jesus what the fuck i thought you were pro choice" says john

"no i am i just wanna do it cause i think it'll be funny" responds jesus

jesus starts driving them to the terrible land of ohio and they are stopped by sans undertale who hangs out on highways

"holy shit is that sans undertale??" shouts parker

"holy shit is that Parker Fitzgerald, also known as The Necromancer from John Smith's Wild Wacky Hijinks 4, 5, The Necromancer, and Jesus Christ: The Untold Story??" shouts sans

"sans can you teleport us to ohio?" asks john

"ofc bbg" says sans, and he grabs the car and teleports to Ohio. there they find a barren wasteland that's on fire'

"holy shit this place looks worse than hell" says jesus

"oh hey look over there it's a trump rally" says parker

they walk over to the trump ralley and they find trump talking some random bullshit

"im donald trump and im a nefarious neeirdowel or however you spell it. i love killing immigrants with my patented immigrant kicker, it's a wonder contraption, it's my little dohickey" says trump. he then notices the 4 friends watching him

"welp gamers i have to go help these holligans out, because they need my help because im donald j trump" says trump

he then goes to talk to them

"what do you hooligans want" asks trumpo

"trumpo do you know where king von is located" asks jesus

"ye he's in cleveland" says trump

"ok thanks pookie bear" says john, who starts smoking crack and drinking alchohol, blacks out, and wakes up in cleveland

"works every fucking time" says john

"of course it did we fucking had to carry you here you stupid cunt" says parker

"works every time" replies jhn

in cleveland, they see a black man in a yellow shirt and a mustache coming towards them

"HEYALL, IT's CLEVELAND" says cleveland brown

"oh god it's cleveland brown" says parker

just then the theme song comes on

"My name is Cleveland Brown And I am proud to be Right back in my home town With my new family There's old friends and new friends and even a bear Through good times and bad times It’s true love we share And so I found a place Where everyone will know My happy mustached face This is the Cleveland Show! Ha ha ha ha!" says cleveland

sans then immediatley blasts cleveland brown into the stratosphere with a gaster blaster attack

"thank god" says jesus

"cmon we gotta go find king von" says john, but then he's immediatley shot in the head. parker revives him, and they take cover

"oh god it's king von" says jesus

"well wha do we do? we aint got any guns" says john

"not exactly" says jesus who vomits up like 20 guns

"jesus christ" says parker

"that's me motherfucker" says jesus

and so they all grab the guns and prepare for the greatest shootout of all time.

Chapter 21: king von vs the gang

king von starts shooting at the gang's hiding spot, and jesus summons a grenade and tosses it over to king von. king von tanks it, and he ruses to their hiding spot.

John Smith absorbs super meth and punches King Von back to the other side of the street

"your super meth is no match for my super lean!" shouts king von

"fuuuck he has super lean??" says jesus

"what the fuck is super lean??" asks john

"it's like super meth but for lean" says jesus

king von then suddenly teleports behind him and kicks john smith prime into a building. parker turns into the necromancer and grabs king von. king von swats him away, so parker powers up into the super necromancer, but even that isnt enough. jesus then has an idea.

"parker! take this!" shouts jesus and he throws him the 7 chaos emeralds

"you've had these this whole fucking time??" shouts parker

"i got them yesterday from a black hedgehog in cincinatti! shouts jesus

"fuck me" says parker

"ok" responds jesus

the super necromancer powers up with the power of the 7 chaos emeralds and becomes The Hyper Necromancer.

"well fuck" says king von. he then powers up a gun with super lean and shoots hyper necromancer

"wait why does that actually kinda hurt" asks parker. he lets out a chaos beam at king von, but he absrobs it to become Super King Von

"HAHA IM NOW SUPER KING VON YOU CUNTS" says super king von

'well shit" says jesus, who is shot in the chest with a super chaos beam. he immediately ressurects tho

"NOW NO ONE CAN STOP ME" says king von. just then, jschlatt comes out of a portal and smashes a keyboard over king von's head. this snaps his neck somehow, instantly killing him

"TAKE THAT YOU SORRY FUCK" says jschlatt

"wow jschlatt thank you dawg" says john

"no problem dudearoni" says schlatt

"im hard asf parker wanna fuck?" asks jesus

"kill yourself" responds parker

and so the gang all heads back to the bronx and they all smoke weed and drink alchohol for like 20 minutes until parker dies of cardiac arrest and jesus brings him back to life with the power of god and peter griffin.

Chapter 22: jesus holds a pride parade

it's a war day in the bronx and john smith jesus and parker are spending time burning down a hospital

"gee willikers this was a great idea" says john

"it's so warm" says jesus

"im going to throw both of you fucks in there" says parker

"golly gee willikers" says john smith

just then, jesus has a great idea

"gang im gonna hold a pride parade" says jesus

"what why" asks parker

"cause i think it'll be funny" says jesus

after many weeks of planning and spending all of john smith's life savings, which consisted of a mint condition pokemon card, 2 packs of big leauge, 17 dollars and 34 cents, and a half eaten snickers bar, jesus succesfully makes a pride parade

"holy shit why the fucking balls is it in our front lawn" asks john

"cause where else would it be" says jesus

"who is that" asks parker, pointing to a derranged looking man

"oh that's the woker." says jesus

"WHY SO QUEERIOUS??? IM THE WOKER, BABY" says the woker

"oh so he's like the joker" says john

"no he's the joker's gay cousin" says jesus

"that's fantastic" says parker

just then, hesus shows up with a flamethrower and burns down the pride parade

"hesus what the fuck man" asks jesus

"grrr i fucking hate faggots" says hesus

"that isnt very cash money of you hesus" says jesus

jesus then brinsg the trio, along with hesus to heaven

"hey dad we found this fucker being homophobic" sayus jesus to god

"good job hesus" says god

"what the fuck are you homophobic??" shouts jesus

"yes im a hardcore maga supporter" says god

"well shit balls" says jesus, as he summons some super meth and addicentally stabs god in the leg

"OH SHIT FUCK IM SORRY DAD" says jesus

"ok. you're done here" says god who kicks jesus all the way to the divine dave and busters.

"so what now mr god" asks john smith

"welp super meth is corrosive to divine entities, so i got like 2 minutes left to live. you and your stupid fucking friends are god now." says god

"what fucking why" asks john

"becuase you're the only people here right now gangalang" says god

"well fuck" says john

then, god dies and john smith becomes god

"what the fuck do i do now" asks john

Chapter 23: john smith is god

"holy shit john why are we all gods" asks jesus who returns from the divine dave and busters

"i got no fucking clue" says john

"this is fire" says parker

"i got an idea" says john, and he summons hesus

"what the shit muchacho where the fuck am i" asks hesus

"you're a hoe" says john

":(" says hesus

"chat i got a great idea" says parker.

"are we all thinking the same thing??" asks jesus

"fuck yeah" says john

they all go to france and start destroying france

"Oh mon dieu, qu'est-ce que je suis en train de regarder, les gars ?" says a french fuck

jesus john and parker then all piss on france and absolutely destroy france because i fucking hate france

"fuck you france!!" shouts john

they then all walk over to england and they grab england and push it all the way to the arctic

"lmao fire" says parker

they then take the land of "ohio" and send it into space with one flick

"damn thios is so fucking fire" says john

 

after many weeks of doom death destruction and gooning they all chill in heaven

"dude what the fuck do we do??" asks john

"we could answer prayers" says parker

"or we could cause ww4" says jesus

just then, god randomly resurrects

"holy fuck hi god" says john

"dad why the fuck are you alive??" asks jesus

"you actually thought i was dead? are you fucking stupid??" asks god

"well yeah kinda" john says

"now get the fuck outta here. you're banished from heaven! now i gotta work on undoing all the fucking shit you fucks did" says god

"well piss in my ass" says jesus

"AND YOU! STOP WITH THE UNNECCESARY SEXUAL COMMENTS YOU FUCKER" shouts god

"hehehe nice" says parker

"ALL OF YOU FUCKS LEAVE NOWWW!!" shouts god

and then the gang all fall down from heaven into john smith's house

"well golly gee willikers that was fun. what do we do next?" asks john

"we still have this time machine from chapter 10 and 11 chat" says jesus

"alr bet" says parker

and so the gang prepare to time travel, but they end up in 1838 and they are mistaken for indians for some fucking reason dont worry about it it's not important

"HEY YALL NEED TO WALK THE TRAIL OF TEARS" says a white colonizer american

"well shit" says jesus

Chapter 24: john smith walks the trail of tears

"well shit" says john smith and co while walking the trail of tears

"look at all of these poor unfortunate souls" says parker

"that guy looks kinda hot" says jesus

"that's a child jesus" says parker

"are age of consent laws a thing in 1838?" asks jesus

"i... actually have no clue" says parker

"im gonna eat this model glue i kept in my ass" says john

the 3 then sit down for a feast on model glue and they have a great time. they then black out and when they wake up, all the natve americans were gone

"well shit how do we know where to go now??" asks jesus

"with the power of teamwork and friendship we can do anything" says parker

"kill yourself" says parker

parker turns into the necromancer and carries the other 2 to find the tribe

"WAIT I FORGOT YOU COULD FLY THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME" says john

"i could too" says jesus

john then lets go of parker's hand and kills himself

"well shit" says parker, who flies down to resurrect him

"ow my ovaries" says john

the 3 fuckers then continue their journey, and thye eventually get bored

"why the hell are we still here" asks john

"good question" responds jesus, as he opens a portal to the year 2099, but they find while they were gone, hesus had once again risen and destroyed the future and turned it into a nazi authoritarian regieme

"golly gee fucking willikers" said john, but parker's and jesus' powers were immediately neutralized by nazi tech, and they fall to the ground

"ow what the shit" says jesus, and he looks up to see a statue of hesus

"well that cant be good. what year is this?" asks parker

"the time traveling device says 2099" says jesus

"YOU CUNTS HE'S COMING" says a man with a metal mask on

"well shit" says john and they all rush away. just then, some charlie kirk drones lock on to them and start shooting. jesus tries to summon a blade with his divine powers, but the nazi tech is still neutralizing his powers. he finds a piece of scrap metal and he bashes the drone over the head.

they make it to the man's hideout, and they find some familiar faces. they see a future John Smith, Peter Griffin, Obama, Miku, Schlatt, Parker and the man in the mask reveals himself to be a future Jesus Christ

"how the hell have you fucks not aged" asks john

"jesus' divine powers reverses our aging." says Parker 2099

"ok that's cool i guess" says parker

"the emperor cannot find out you're here. he'll use your time traveling device to destroy your timeline as well" says jesus 2099

"well shit in my mouth and call me a good girl" says jesus

everyone judgementally stares at jesus except for jesus 2099

Chapter 25: 2099

"well thanks for the lore drop but we're outta here" says jesus

the three then walk into the other room and jesus opens a portal to the present

"wait jesus!" shouts john

"what??" asks jesus

"we've gotta help these people!" says john

"oh come on, dont give me that sappy shit man." says jesus

"dude. cmon." says john

"y'know what? go fuck yourself" says jesus, who starts walking through the portal

"is this what adam would have wanted?? you to run away like a coward??" shouts parker

just then, jesus stops dead in his tracks, looks at parker, and grapple him through the portal. john then follows, and when he comes through the portal he sees jesus holding parker by the throat

"you dont have the fucking right to say that name..." says jesus, who is pretty fucking mad

"hey hey cmon man" says john, but jesus punches him so hard that he breaks his neck and kills him

"JOHN!" shouts parker, who revives him instantly. "that's it man, you've gone too fucking far" says parker.

parker turns into the necromancer, and rushes at jesus. jesus punches him away, but parker blasts him with his super meth-based necromantic energy. jesus dodges, and throws many divine blades at him. parker uses a force field to block them, and he sends the force field flying towards jesus

jesus summons a crystal blade, and swings at parker. this wounds parker, but he snaps off the tip of the crystal blade and jams it into jesus' thigh.

john smith, while the two are distracted, opens up a portal to 2099 and goes solo

"well, the future rests upon me i guess. golly gee willikers" he says, and he goes back to the year 2099

meanwhile, jesus and parker are still beating the everloving shit out of eachother, and parker uses a full super meth barrage beam on jesus, who in returns uses a divine light attack. the two attacks collide with eachother, both equally as powerful. jesus and parker are at a stalemate, however parker throws a piece of his necromancer costume at jesus's divine light, corrupting it and letting parker blast jesus away. jesus is pretty fucking hurt, and parker walks away

"COME BACK HERE YOU COWARD" shouts jesus

"yeah, i'm the coward" says parker as he flies away

 

meanwhile, john is supplying the 2099 team with super meth to power them up

"man we havent had super meth in ages. if we just get into hesus' lair with this, we can definetly overpower him" says parker 2099

"that's the goal is it not?" asks john 2099

"golly gee willikers" says john

"where did the other two go?" asks jesus 2099

"it doesnt matter." says john

Chapter 26: The 2099 Assault

it's been 2 weeks since john smith and co showed up in the future, and it's also been 2 weeks since the iconic trio broke up

"hey cmon man i get it you're upset but it'll all work itself out" says parker 2099

"i know but they were like my family" says john

"cmon. we need to plan" says miku 2099

"i dont wanna right now" says john

"HURRY THE FUCK UP RIGHT NOW OR I'LL COME IN THERE AND SHOOT YOUR ASS" shouts schlatt 2099

"alright jesus christ!" says john

"you called?" asks jesus 2099

"no i did not jesus" says john

the gang 2099 are planning their assult on hesus, however just then a kirkanator drone burts in the door

"THEY'VE FOUND OUR HIDEOUT, THE WHOLE MISSION IS COMPROMISED!!" shouts jesus 2099. Just then, Hesus' greatest mercenary, the reprogrammed Freddy Fazbear shows up and stabs jesus 2099 in the chest with a super meth blade, effectively killing him

"NO FUCK" says John 2099

"well shit in my pants is completley justified now" says parker 2099, who is then shot at by a kirkanator drone. Also, Mecha Hitler Mark 2 shows up, and saws parker in half. something crazy is then revealed to John Smith 2099

"sorry bud" says miku, who is revealed to have been a undercover spy after being remotely hacked by hesus

"well golly gee willikers" says john smith 2099, who is then immediatley beheaded. peter griffin then hops in the petercopter to escape, but is shot down. he crashes into a nearby building, killing peter

"oh god damn" says john smith, and schlatt rushes him to safety. he is locked in a panic room, and through foged glass, he can see obama being gunned down

"oh god it's over" says john smith

"it's not over, you are a time traveler dude! go back and stop hesus!!" shouts schlatt

"alright. i will!" says john

"you promise??" asks schlatt

"i do" says john smith, as he opens the time traveling device to the present, and he heads back to the present

"godspeed" says schlatt, who is promply stabbed through the chest by Freddy Fazbear. However, Freddy Fazbear tries to follow john through the portal, but his head is cut off before he can make it through in time due to the portal closing

"well golly gee willikers. what the fuck do i do now that im alone" asks john

"perhaps i can be of assistance" says the legendary Agent Cumshot

"oh it's you" says john smith

"no im here to help. im so glad you blew up the irs, i hated working there. i've been monitoring hesus, and wherever jesus goes, hesus follows" says agent cumshot

"so we just gotta find jesus?" asks john

"percisely" says cumshot. thus, john calls jesus, but jesus hangs up immediately. he then calls parker, who hangs up immediately

"well this is gonna be harder than i thought" says john

"well let's get searching" says agent cumshot.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 4 of John Smith's World