Kitchen Catastrophe:

by Buddiesupporter118

Noah Stilinski came home early. This was his first mistake. His second mistake was humming as he opened the front door, because the universe heard that happiness and said, Not today, Sheriff.

He walked into the kitchen, pie in hand, ready for a quiet night.

And then—Stiles..........On the counter.Hands gripping the edge.Derek between his legs.

And Stiles making a sound no parent should ever have to hear.Noah froze.Derek froze. Stiles did not freeze. Because right as Noah registered the scene, Stiles’ whole body trembled and he let out“D—DERR—oh god—Daddy—!”

Noah watched his son fully, catastrophically, cum him brain out right there in the kitchen on the counter he feed him at . Eye contact ,eye contact happened. Worst two seconds of Noah Stilinski’s entire life.

Stiles collapsed back on the counter, wide-eyed, realizing exactly what just happened. Derek looked like he was ready to be arrested, sentenced, and buried slowly painfully slowly. Noah set the pie down on the table.

He did not blink.He did not breathe. He did not look directly at either of them like they were solar eclipses that could blind him. “Okay,” Noah said, voice dangerously calm. “I’m just going to say one thing.” Stiles was already dying inside.

Derek looked like he wanted a sinkhole to open beneath him. Noah pointed vaguely at the scene, eyes still closed because he valued his sanity:“Timing you two need to learn about it.”

Stiles made a noise that could only be described as a dying kettle.“Dad. Dad. DAD. Please never speak again.” “Oh, I’m speaking,” Noah said. “I am absolutely speaking. In fact, I have a whole speech prepared now. I didn’t want it. I didn’t ask for it. It’s happening anyway because I cannot un-see what just—”

He shuddered. “—occurred in front of me.” Derek, mortified, managed: “Sheriff, I’m—” “Stop.” Noah pointed at him without opening his eyes. “I know you’re sorry. I can smell the sorry radiating off you. It’s fine.”

He took a deep breath. “I am happy that you’re in love,” Noah said, sounding like a man giving last rites to his own peace of mind. “I am thrilled, ecstatic even, that Stiles has someone who cares about him.” Then he pointed at the counter. “But you are banned — banned — from ever doing that on anything I prepare food on.”

Stiles covered his face with both hands. “I want death.” “You almost gave me death!” Noah snapped. “You— you timed it! You couldn’t wait three seconds?!?” Stiles squeaked. Derek gently, carefully helped Stiles off the counter like he was delicate evidence in a crime scene. Noah picked up his pie.

“I’m going back to the station,” he said, walking out. “When I return, I want the kitchen exorcised.” The door shut. There was silence.Then Stiles whispered: “…I think my soul left my body.” Derek exhaled. “I’ll buy him a whole new kitchen.”