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It was over thirty degrees, yet Regina had never felt so cold. Even with the sun blaring down upon her as she walked, all she saw was darkness. The smiles the residents of Storybrooke gave to her were tinged with an eerie glow and she could focus on nothing but the overwhelming feeling of nothingness within her. You amount to nothing. No one would miss you. No matter what you will always be the evil queen. You are a murderer. You ruin people’s lives. They would be better off without you. Everyone would be happier.
The thoughts plagued her as she reached the doorstep to her mansion. Her entire life had been filled with wrong doing and how she thought she could change her life, how she thought she could be happy, it was all a pigment of her imagination. Stupid Snow White and her preaching of good and hope. Snow White who sparked a flicker of hope within her sorry core and was ultimately the one to distinguish everything she felt.
Regina pushed the door open, hung her jacket on the rack and kicked off her heels. The usually pristine and proper Regina Mills was gone. She couldn’t care less that her shoes lay in the middle of the floor. She couldn’t care less that the rug still had mud stains from when Henry ran mud in on his soccer shoes. She couldn’t care less in general.
She was so done.
She locked the door and made her way up the stairs. The woman who once stood so tall and proud, now felt so small and vulnerable. She entered her bedroom and made her way to her ensuite. The reflective surface of the mirror stared back at her. Hollow eyes, purple bags slinking. A face without makeup, a rare sight. Her hair was unkempt.
A hand was raised to her ears as she took out her earrings. She let them fall to the floor. Next came her necklace, pearled and glowing. It sickened her. She ripped it off and smirked coldly as the pearls shot in various directions. She unbuttoned her blouse and wriggled out of her skirt, both of which were miles too large on her now. The items of clothing drowned her, but she was used to the feeling.
She stood before the mirror and observed how her body had changed. Thin and weak and tired. She could see clearly her ribs and her collarbones. A tear slipped down her cheek.
Maybe if she hadn’t have over reacted as a young girl. Maybe if she hadn’t tried to destroy Snow White. Maybe if she had allowed herself to forgive and forget. Maybe if she had stopped before she started, then she wouldn’t be where she was now.
But she also wouldn’t have had Henry. Henry, her gorgeous son. Her gorgeous son who would have so much more opportunity if she was to slip away. She could never change her past, her previous status would loom over her head for as long as she lived, and Henry’s too for that matter. He deserved better. Everyone deserved better.
Maybe if she cut herself loose, she would stop all the pain. She would have no one to meet and thereforth no one else to lose. Daniel. Cora. Henry. Rocinante. Graham. Robin.
Everyone she allowed herself to love would eventually leave or be taken. It wouldn’t be long until she did something to push everyone away. Snow. Charming. Henry. Emma.
Regina opened the cabinet beneath the mirror and took out a small wooden box. She flipped the lid and she stared. A rectangle of silver metal. Sharp. Deadly. Dangerous. With an overly slim finger, she allowed herself to pick up the sliver of metal and she regarded it with fascination. It was difficult to comprehend how something so simple would be the source of such freedom. She stepped towards the shower and turned the knob. Warm water began to spray and Regina watched as it began to wash down the drain. Regina sat the blade on the edge of the bath before she let her hands slide to unclasp her bra and remove her underwear.
She would leave this world as she had come unto it. Naked and vulnerable. Ignoring the time between her birth and her death, the time of disgust and evil and inhumane things. She stepped into the bathtub, and sat beneath the water. It poured over her head and she sighed deeply. She picked up the blade and regarded it intently. Soon it would be over.
Soon she would be free.
As she watched the blade, she was unaware of her mobile phone buzzing in her jacket. The seven missed calls from the Savior, and counting.
Emma kept calling Regina. She sat with her family in Granny’s diner as she heard another dial tone and voicemail message request. Emma gnawed on her lower lip, her eyebrow furrowed in concentration. The Charming’s had invited Regina to dinner and she had accepted. It was unlike Regina to forget, and this worried Emma deeply. Snow insisted that Regina was probably held up with work at the Mayor’s Office and that she would arrive soon.
Emma had phoned the receptionist, who informed her that Regina had left work early in the day. Emma phoned Regina again and by the fourth unanswered call, she knew something was wrong. Call it instinct, or a connection to the woman, but Emma had a feeling of cold dread settling deep in her stomach and she bolted from the Diner. She continued to phone Regina as she stepped foot within the Bug and took off down the streets towards Mifflin Street. Once she arrived outside the mansion, she sprinted across the lawn and leapt onto the doorstep. She knocked the door. No answer. She shouted for Regina and now response came. Emma could feel her heart thumping in her chest as she banged on the door. Her hand went to the doorknob and twisted but of course, the door was locked. In a moment of despair, Emma kicked the door in and pushed her way inside the house.
She listened for any sound as she checked all the rooms. Why did Regina have such a big house? When Emma neared the stairs she heard faint noises. Cries and sobs. Emma sprinted up the stairs, immediately heading towards Regina’s bedroom. She ran through the bedroom and into the large ensuite.
The sight before her broke her heart. Regina sat with her hands in her hair and her knees drawn to her chest. Her shoulders were wracking with sobs and it was then that Emma noticed the blade that had been thrown to the side. Emma shrugged off her jacket and hopped into the bath, behind Regina. Emma wrapped her hands around Regina and cradled her into her own chest. She could hear Regina’s hitched breathing caused by her sobs. Emma brought her head to Regina’s shoulder and cuddled her in close, whispering reassurances that she was there and that everything would be okay. She stayed there, with Regina in her grasp until well after the water ran cold and Regina’s sobs had slowed.
It was then that Emma checked Regina’s body for damage inflicted by the blade. There was once small dash on her wrist, and blood only dotted the wound. It wasn’t deep enough to cause any real damage. Emma reached into Regina’s cabinet and took out the first aid kit, before removing a bandage and covering her cut with the mesh. She moved to sit in front of Regina, taking both of her hands into her own. Regina looked up at Emma with tearstained, chocolate brown orbs. Emma stared deep into her eyes.
“What made you stop?”, Emma whispered softly. Regina observed Emma, she didn’t ask what made her do it. There was a look in the blonde’s eyes that reminded her of what Emma had been through and suddenly she understood. She had experienced this before. She gulped back the lump in her throat before answering hoarsely.
“You. Henry.” She said as a tear slipped down her cheek. Emma smiled at her softly.
“No matter what happened in the past, Regina. No matter what happens in the future. We will always love you. You are a piece of us, Gina.” Emma choked back a sob, “Don’t ever do this again.. please.” Emma begged, before raising Regina’s bandaged wrist to her lips. She kissed it gently.
“That right there, is a reminder of how strong you are, Regina. It is to remind you how much you are worth and a reminder that we will always love you. That is your battlescar.” Emma said softly before smiling at Regina through tears. Regina nodded her understanding, slowly. The brunette started to smile, and simultaneously tears spilled down her cheeks. Emma cupped her cheeks and wiped away her tears.
“I am here for you Regina, I’m never going anywhere. I love you.” Emma cooed, drawing Regina back into her chest and embracing her, holding her tight in reassurance.
“You’re my little soldier.”