Checkmate - The grave of kindness

by Aaureos

Summary:

As a new dawn sets on the city of Chicago, Miriam has to make the most important decision of her life, what faction will she choose to belong in? Can a broken and scared girl survive in a world where kindness is weakness and nobody is truly you friend?
Miriam is not sure, but staying in Abnegation is not an option.

 

-This work covers all three the divergent books and modifies heavily both the world building, the characters
and the story-
Please note that english is not my first language!

Chapter 1: New dawn

It's a cold winter day in Chicago, it's snowing for the hundredth time this month and, as the fragile flakes touch the ground, forming soft and cloudy fumes, I run as fast as I can through the garbage filled hallways of Abnegation, long skirt, mostly soaked in dirty ice water, hindering my strides.

The men keep following me, shouts and insults echo through the alleys, and I risk slipping on a frozen puddle a few times before regaining my balance.

They're relentless. We've been going at this for what seems like eternity. I don't remember when I started running, I don’t even know what I did wrong, but here I am, being chased like a cat by a pack of dogs, terrorised, I'm running for my life.

The ice makes everything worse, my fingers are numb but every inch of my body is burning with fatigue, stumbling into a big pile of debris, I almost fall to my knees but the sound of their steps getting closer keeps me going, I can't let them have me.

I turn left, then right, then left again through the dark and empty alleys, each step reverberating in my head, but their voices are getting louder and louder with each of my steps.

Trying desperately to slow them down, I climb over the short metal fence that separates the Abnegation district from the abandoned factories of southside Chicago. I’ve done it before with the help of my brother, but alone is much more difficult.

Barely landing on my feet, struggling to get up, hands scraped and breath cut short, I keep moving, rushing through the factionless and their camps until I’m faced with a tall grey wall.

A dead end, I look around to find an escape, a way out, or someone to help me but I’m met by no one other than even taller buildings to those in front of me, damn me.

The men are now behind me, I force myself not to shiver or show them fear, and I don’t have the courage to turn around. They’re five, I counted them before, my chances of making it out unscaved are none. I couldn't win against a drunken one, let alone five of them.

I can hear their heavy breaths inching closer, I don’t want to face them, I tell myself I don’t have to, I keep my eyes shut, maybe if I ignore them they'll leave me alone…

“Now, now lil’ lady” a big and heavy hand lays on my shoulder and forces me around, I spin ungraciously, my steps unsteady. His grip is firm enough to hold me steady but not enough to hurt me, for now at least.

My eyes dart from his scrawny face to the pavement, he's surprisingly young, under all that grime is the face of a boy that looks only a few years older than me. “he’s one of the new ones” I tell myself, “Abnegation’s factionless don’t behave like this” that makes me even more afraid.

His words bring me back to reality “You got something for us?”, I shake my head violently, body trembling under his touch, I try to shrink, “No-nothing… I” I steady my breath “I gave everything away, I swear” He huffs and I flinch in response “I’m sure ya’ still got something for us…” his hand travels to the hem of my sweater “Maybe some sugar” I cringe, face hot in humiliation.

I trash from his grip and step away until my back hits the wall, the men keep coming towards me and the one from before lowers himself to my height, he smells putrid, he's older than the other one, probably more experienced.

I should’ve listened to Mrs. Prior, I tell myself, the alleys aren't a place for a girl to be roaming on her own, I cry out for something, someone to save me now.

Why didn’t I listen? Why couldn’t I just stay home? I know the answer but I still question myself, I hate him, I hate this.

The other men look at me, their eyes dark as dogs’s, I whine “Please let me…” “Look, we really are in need,” his hand finds the hem of my long cotton skirt, lifting it up, I wince, avoiding his gaze and holding my breath trying to disappear in the greyness of the wall “I’m sure ya’ can help us out”.

My pleas fall on deaf ears as the other men close in on me a scream leaves my mouth but it's swallowed by their laughter, their figures for a second seems to cover all light coming from the sun, it's cold today in Chicago, it's still snowing, a snowflake touches the tip of my nose as darkness surrounds me, and for an instant I believe I would’ve been better off staying home.

One of them grabs my arm, I scream again, a punch bends me in half, a laugh, one of them places a gloved hand on my cheek, another hits me, my face stings, I close my eyes and start praying, pleading to God to make it quick.

Suddenly, three loud shots break the excruciating silence in the alley and I find myself being violently thrust to the ground, my body's limp, almost like I'm a doll.

My head hits the snowy pavement and something cuts my ankle but I don’t care, I thrash and break away from their grip, the men are barking and hissing, I can’t seem to understand what they’re saying but it feels like watching dogs fight.

A single raven dressed figure makes his way towards us, gun raised to the sky, he looks alien, he didn't belong there, another shot fills the air and I scream as something pierces my skin.

My eyes suddenly shoot open as I trash around, my hands grip painfully hard the grey bed sheets, I fall to the ground, suppressing a shriek

Sitting on the old grey moquette, I look around, scared they might still be lurking in the dark ready to come out to end me but my bedroom is empty and both the window and the door are still locked.

The room is silent and only a few specks of light make their way from the window, making weird shapes on the wall.

It’s cold, almost too cold for it to be only September. I shiver, it feels like I'm still in the snow, I think to myself, hugging the sheets as I think about the dream from earlier.

It happened almost three years ago, just a few months after my brother’s choosing ceremony. At the time I hadn’t found another companion for my daily abnegant duties, that's why I was alone.

Those men would’ve had their way, if that Dauntless patrol hadn’t been around… I shake my head trying to forget those thoughts.

It didn’t happen and I don’t want to think about it.

Now calmer, I look at the small grey calendar that hangs on the bare wall in front of me. I sigh reading the date.

Today all of Chicago’s sixteen year olds, me included, will have to take the aptitude test which will tell us what faction we belong to, obviously, the test is mandatory.

My gaze shifts to the old alarm clock on my bedside table, the clock hands tell me it’s 6:00 am. I reach for it, keeping it in my hands for a moment, the glass screen is broken, making it barely readable and its legs are wobbly but it still works nonetheless.

The alarm gets put back in place after another second of scrutinising and I right after I get up, pushing my covers back on the bed, stretching a bit while doing so.

“I don’t need a test” I tell myself while I make the bed “I already know where I belong”, I fluff up the old pillow “Doesn’t mean I like it though”.

Getting ready for the day, as always, doesn’t take much time, people in Abnegation aren’t permitted to own a mirror, as to no sin of vain so I’m rather quick to wash and dress myself.

It's one of those things taught to us from infancy, modesty and forgetting the send, anyways all the clothes I own, which aren’t many, are also grey and very large on me so I’m not preoccupied with my looks all that much.

As my faction teaches, we must devote ourselves to help others and serve the Lord so as to not lose ourselves in the temptation of the devil, our preachers tell us it's an order from God to behave us such and that those who don't read the Bible are damned by ignorance to suffer for eternity.

I sigh, tying up my hair is the hardest part, “it’s getting way too long” I murmur while brushing my dark waves and putting them up in a simple bun.

After getting dressed and tidying up my room, which is only part of what I do every single morning, I silently make my way downstairs, careful not to make a sound as I'm not sure where he is right now.

When I enter the living room the smell of booze fills my nostrils and I sneeze, he doesn't seem to hear.

Marcus’s body lays unconscious on the couch in some weird uncomfortable pose, hand still holding onto beer on the coffee table while the order is on his face, drenched in vomit.

He looks dead but even by just looking at him I know he’s deep into a drunken sleep, saliva wets his cheeks and by the smell of him, he’s also lying in his own urine.

The kitchen is a mess, broken chins and leftovers litter the floor “he must’ve drank himself to sleep yesterday” I think to myself as I reach to pick up a chair and the remains of what used to be a plate and a glass.

Afterwards I sweep and mop the floors, which ends up taking the most time. Afterwards, only after opening the windows for a breath of air, I do the dishes and get breakfast ready for Marcus.

Cleaning is a task that I enjoy very much, always been, I find it relaxing, almost soothing. It also reminds me very much of when me and my brother used to share our chores, he was always so adamant he should get the harder and most boring ones, leaving me to do a few easy things, but we'd still end up doing each and every one of them together, never wanting the other to be alone.

It takes me a while to actually finish tidying up the house but I manage to make it out just in time, squeezing out the door into my street, trying to make the least sound possible.

The bus stop is three houses up the road from mine and, while I hurry my way there, I pass The Prior's “These must be some sad days for them” I think to myself, putting my cold shaky hands in my skirt’s pockets.

Both of the Prior children left the faction just last year. I never got to know them well but I’d sometimes go to their house with Marcus as Mr. Prior is a member of the abnegantion Council.

Just like them, Their house was much more pleasant and welcoming than ours, my brother never wanted to come along to those dinners, but Mrs. Prior was a great cook and seemed like a lovely mum. “I wonder if they ever come to visit” I mutter to myself thinking about my brother, who never seemed to care much about giving me some sign of life, he must be too busy in his new faction, a shiver runs through my body, he must've forgotten all about me by now.

I manage to arrive at the stop just in time and, although it’s very crowded, I make my way inside the bus. I can’t afford to be late, not today.

Only a few of us Abnegants own cars, and if we do they’re usually old or kind of beat up, the rest of us, like me, use public transportation which is not very fast, not efficient as it doesn't cover most of the city, but it's what the council has decided for us, so it must be for the good of the factions.

Most of the people in the bus are dressed in grey plain clothing. Some, like me, are alumni while others are normal workers, just like the driver. Grey is a colour that I've always found weirdly overwhelming.

It takes me almost a quarter of an hour to get to school and by the time we reach the stop, the bus is still full though now, half is filled by people dressed in bright blue clothing chatting about new papers and research.

Their glares almost pierce my skin, Erudites don’t like us Abnegants, the hatred is mostly reciprocated, though most Abnegants would deny it if asked, I'm quite indifferent to this vitriol, I've never had the chance to interact much with them and those I've spoken with never seemed to care much about me or my faction enough to insult it.

I scurry off the bus, almost tripping on my skirt, and make my way towards the school’s cafeteria as fast as I can.

The building is an ugly piece of architecture, a giant marble like square, much bigger than it actually needs to be, and now that it is empty with everyone in the cafeteria, the halls seem almost monumental.

When I reach the cafeteria, now transformed into a waiting room, I'm met by five distinct groups and I’m quick to join my fellow Abnegants at the far end of the room, they're sat at their usual tables, waiting quietly for their turn, barely looking around, the usual small puddle of grey in a much more colourful room.

Almost a quarter of the room is filled by the Dauntless, they sit on the opposite end to ours, shouting and jumping around. I follow them with my eyes for a bit, entertained by their childishness, then the girl sitting beside me slaps my hand, I look down in shame, everyone at the table looks at me for a quick second, then they go back to looking down at themselves, I shouldn’t get distracted that easily, I chastise myself for being so vain.

Beside us, the amity have now abandoned their seats, choosing to sit criss crossed on the floor instead. They're playing some sort of game I don’t recognize while a few of them jam along with a small guitar, they seem quite tranquil. Amity are famous for their acceptance so I guess for them it doesn't really matter what your aptitude test result is.

From one of the halls facing the cafeteria, a male voice calls for an Abnegation girl by the surname Ellis, suddenly a void forms in my stomach and my chair feels unstable. “What kind of test is it”, I ask myself, nobody ever talks about it, I believe nobody actually does, at least in abnegantion, so I always thought it was some kind of secret adults keep from their young.

The other people at the table seem placid, tranquil and absorbed in their thoughts, some of them pray, I cringe, trying to keep my gaze focused on my chapped hands.

“Are there any wrong answers?” I wonder,”Can I fail the test?” I dry my sweaty palms on my skirt, some hair slips from my bun and rests on my forehead. My breath gets heavier, I want to scream.

I stare at the door the girl from before went in, it’s nothing unusual, I don’t know why it catches my attention, it’s white while the handle is small and metallic, it looks sturdy.

My gaze focuses on the handle, then, after what feels like an eternity, it shifts and the door finally opens.

The girl shuffles out the room, not too slow but not in a rush, quiet and reserved, the abnegantion way. A Dauntless man with teal hair follows suit, his steps heavier, almost dragging, he calls my name and I shoot up.

I do it too suddenly, my legs hit the table with a loud thud, now the whole table is watching me, I keep staring at the door, and without saying a word I make my way inside, too fast, too abruptly.

The man comes in after me, his feet still dragging, he closes the door, then he slumps on a desk chair in front of a computer with a long yawn.

This room is usually a classroom, I believe, I'm not actually sure as this building has many unused spaces, the council has proposed many times for those rooms to be used by the abnegantion people to do charity work or Bible study groups, erudites always rejected.

He lets out a sigh of boredom, “I’m Sebastian and today I’ll administer your aptitude test” he sings songs, typing something on the computer, then he gestures for me to lay on the medical bed beside him.

I oblige and after I lay down, he turns to me, now that I see him up close he doesn’t seem all that menacing like the other dauntless, he's young, with a friendly look about him.

He smiles, I notice his teeth are strikingly white and his lower lip is pierced, “In dauntless he must be considered quite attractive” I think to myself as he adjusts his chair to be the right height, now looking straight into my eyes, his are a dark charcoal colour, they match with his tan complexion.

He hands me a few sticky patches “I have to place these on your forehead,” He says, standing above me “It’ll look quite silly” he chuckles, I don’t answer, eyes fixated on the computer behind him.

After a few minutes of applying the little stickers on my head, he takes out a needle filled with some weirdly iridescent colourless liquid, from a drawer, and shows it to me “This,” he starts, placing down the needle and disinfecting my arm “Is the test, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t really hurt”.

He sits again, moves my arm towards him, holding the needle like it's a pen, pointing it straight to my veins, he then looks at me tentatively, I nod instinctively and he pushes the needle straight into my arm.

“It does sting like a bitch though" he murmurs cocking his brows, then adds “Be brave”.

I barely hear him as a weird hot feeling fills my body, I’m suddenly light as air, my mind's empty, and for a second, I don’t feel anything, I'm nothing.

When I wake up I’m standing in a bare room, grey walls surround me and in front of me are two small tables with a single wide plate on top of each.

To my right, the plate holds a wedge of cheese, to my left, a knife.

A voice coming from the ceiling shakes me to my core, shouting “CHOOSE” repeatedly until I stumble forward, lacing my fingers around the knife’s handle “this might be useful” I think to myself while eyeing the cheese.

The tables suddenly disappear in a cloud of red smoke and I’m left with just the knife in my hand, it feels much heavier now, the handle fits awkwardly in my hands.

As I look around the empty room a dog comes out of nowhere, it’s big, way bigger than any dog I’ve ever seen, it growls and every barks it lets out shakes the whole room.

Its dark coarse coat shines under the dim light, mouth full of white foam, I back away trying to seem as small as possible, I've always been scared of dogs.

The dog growls again, then lounges at me, pearly teeth showing.

I find myself unable to move, my legs are wobbly, and I’m shaking but my feet are nailed to the ground. I want to run, to scream, but I'm paralyzed.

My brother once told me that dogs only attack you if they see you as a threat and for a second I wonder if he was wrong but then the dog reaches me and plops down on its back, belly up and tail wagging.

The knife in my hand now seems useless and awfully heavy, its handle is too big for my hand and I don’t like having it on me, it feels unnatural.

My first instinct is to bend down to pet it, it goes against every rational thought in my head but I still try, and when I do, I find its fur soft and fluffy. it looks at me, eyes filled with love and peacefulness and mouth now clean from the white foam. As I’m on the floor, petting the dog, a tiny little girl suddenly appears out of nowhere.

She seems almost disoriented, dressed in all grey clothes that don’t fit her quite right, we look alike. I stand, ready to help her, to try and find her parents but before I can say anything she shouts “Puppy” in a sweet sing-songy voice.

It happens in a split moment, the dog is lunging towards her before I can even react. Instantly dropping the knife, I throw myself towards the dog, sprinting in an effort to put myself between it and the little girl, I have to make it.

I barely reach it and, as I put myself in between the two, I find myself on the floor, struggling against the large beast, it bites me repeatedly but then for a second I don’t feel anything, not the wounds, not the screams of the little girl, then everything goes black.

When I wake up I’m in an old busy bus, similar to the one I take everyday to go to school. I’m sitting beside an old man, who's starting out the window, burn scars cover most of his face and they seem to continue down his collar.

I don’t stare, my brother always told me it was rude to ogle people, staring is also considered a sin by us abnegantion, “staring is judging” my teacher would say “and judging is sinning of pride”

He’s reading a newspaper intently, shooting me looks of pure disgust every now and then. I don't mind, it's not unusual for other factions to not like being around abnegantion.

Suddenly he lets out an animalistic growl and throws me the paper “Do you know him?” he shouts, I grab it, then I shoot up from my seat, backing away from him.

“Who?” I ask, holding on the newspaper, he points at it aggressively so I take a look at it. Almost the whole first page is occupied by a man’s picture, he seems eerily familiar but something in my gut tells me I should lie to the man, my eyes back and forth between him and the photo.

“No,” I say, trying to reach the doors of the bus, it doesn't stop, “I’ve never seen him in my entire life”.

The man grabs my wrist, dragging me forward “You’re lying!” he shouts, he’s spitting now “If you told me,” He stumbles forwards pleading almost to his knees “You could save me!”.

Pity fills my heart, I retract my hand almost violently “Ok” I admit, still trying to get away, sighing “I might know him, but-”

Suddenly I’m thrust backwards towards the bus’s windshield, I scream crashing in it hard, I feel glass breaking, the feeling of flesh gashing open, then everything goes back to black.

I’m back to being light and empty, it feels like I’m flying, I reach peace for an instant, then I’m back to normal, plummeting down to the floor.

I wake up back in the testing room, disoriented and nauseous, my eyes feel crossed, my limbs wobbly and my brain is in scrambles, I grab into the bed with both hands, almost as if that too could disappear.

After a few minutes, I come back to reality completely, I find Sebastian immersed in the computer’s screen looking distracted, whistling a weird tune.

“How did I do?” I ask, tentatively, trying not to sound too sick, I feel like puking.

He turns to me smiling “Oh, it went as expected;” his voice suddenly sounds flat “You’re an Abnegant” he says, going back to the computer, now tapping the same tune with his fingers.

I shiver, ‘Abnegant’, I already knew that would’ve been the result but hearing it said out loud feels like a punch in the stomach, What would I have done if it was another faction?

Am I just destined to be what I’ve always been? Is my life going to be the same shade of grey forever? I turn back to Sebastian, expecting to be dismissed soon.

“Is everything alright?” I mutter “A curious Abnegant? That’s a new one” He laughs and my eyes widen a bit “I didn't mean to be nosey, I'm sorry” nosiness, another sin, my teacher would have me punished if he knew.

“It’s fine, really” he waves a hand towards me “I just have to write down your results manually, it’ll take a moment” I nod, but he seems to spot my uneasiness, I just play with my fingers to pass time.

“Eager to go back to your family?” he asks and I shake my head, maybe too vehemently “Just worried about tomorrow”, he shrugs “Don’t think about it too hard, it’ll be okay”.

After that we're quiet, and it takes him just a few minutes to write the report down, then he sends me away with a pearly smile and a hand wave.

“In abnegation his behaviour would be considered obnoxious”, I think to myself “all of that smiling and chuckling” it also makes me smile a little as I make my way out the building “but I don’t mind.” The bus ride home is quiet, most of the seats are empty but I still choose to stand.

Looking at the window I lose myself in the scenery, Erudite’s buildings seem to shine under the late afternoon’s sun and people still crowd the streets. The bus takes a longer route, going through Candor, to avoid passing through the Factioness district, it's a wise decision, the factionless has been going through some rough patches in the last years, it's not safe.

It hasn’t been doing this for long, maybe a few months and Abnegation didn’t mind but it wasn’t the Council’s decision to deroute the bus, the other factions simply deemed it safer this way.

The Council didn’t approve of this as they said it further alienated the factionless from our society but, even if I never said it out loud, I much prefer it this way, I don’t mind getting home later in exchange for a safer ride.

I get off the bus with a few other people, we all salute politely with a head nod and I make my way home.

The Prior’s home has all its windows closed and the lights are switched off.

For a second I hesitate, thinking about what they might be doing now, “maybe they’re grieving their children?” I ask myself “I wonder if Marcus would grieve for me”.

“it’s a stupid question”, I murmur, shrugging, then hurry back to my house.

The lights are on, that means Marcus is awake.

The key slides in easily and the door opens with a small creaking noise.

When I step inside I’m met by Marcus’s dark stare from the other end of the living room, he's leaning on the doorframe that leads to the kitchen.

“Good afternoon” I say, avoiding to look at him while I slide off my old boots, he stands there, unmoving.

“Why did it take you so long?” he stumbles towards me but I know better than to move away “The bus got de-routed, it goes through Candor now” “Bullshit,” his voice echoes in my ear, “I swear-” “You were out with some guy weren’t you,”, Now I back away.

My shoulder hit the now closed door, his face inching closer every second “You were out there with some factionless boy, you whore!” his breath smells terribly of booze, he’s drunk, he only talks like this when he's drunk, or at least he used to.

I try to wiggle away from him but his hands grab hardly at my arms. “You are to stay here, with me,” His spit wets my face “ is that clear Evelynn?” My name's not Evelynn, I nod “I’m sorry”. My apologies seem to be enough for him, for now, so I hang up my coat and disappear in the kitchen, hoping he’ll be passed out again by the time I finish cooking.

Dinner’s easy to prepare, it takes me half an hour to make something and just under five minutes to set the table.

When I’m done setting down the dishes I call out for Marcus, who drunkenly stumbles down the stairs, sometimes tripping on his own steps.

Before I sit down, I make his plate and fill up his glass, waiting for him to throw himself on the chair.

When he does, I take my place and fill my own plate. It’s nothing special, really, butter pasta, chicken and some boiled greens on the side, the usual abnegantion dinner, with Marcus being part of the council we actually eat a little better then the others.

“Sooo” Marcus gestures with his fork, mouth open while chewing “the test, how did it go”.

I gulp down quickly a bite of my pasta “Abnegation” I whisper, almost like I’m confessing a crime.

He laughs mockingly “Then I don’t have to worry about tomorrow,” he puts his other hand on the table, fidgeting with the knife, suddenly serious “Do I?”, I nod “Of course”.

The rest of the meal is quiet, when he finishes eating I do the dishes and clean up, then I go upstairs.

My room is the last one of the corridor and right in front of it, it’s my brother’s.

We should’ve moved into a smaller home years ago, that room has been empty for the last three years but Marcus always found an excuse to tell the Council to let us stay here, I believe he told them, with it being the house my mother lived in, it would be cruel to sever the one connection I still have with her. He's a liar.

I hesitate, “Where is he? I ask myself, looking at my brother's bedroom door “Is he even still alive?” for all I know he could have been dead for the last three years.

Tears fog my vision at the tough so I take refuge in my room, locking it behind me.

I sit on my bed, looking at the grey walls that surround me, I can’t stay here forever but, where could I go? This is all I’ve ever known. I stay there, unmoving for a while, pondering about my future, something I’d never indulged in before.

It feels unnatural, almost cruel for me to be considering leaving my home, my faction, but I do.

I imagine myself living among the Erudites studying and researching all day, then with Candor, becoming some sort of lawyer striving for truth or maybe singing along with the Amity while picking fruit and riding horses. I could become a Dauntless, fighting bravely for our city, defending it's citizens, or I could remain here, doing what I’ve always done, forever.

Something tells me I won’t be sleeping much tonight.

Since my birth, everything around me has been grey: houses, clothing, furniture and, after a while, even people.

Life in Abnegation has always been this way, simple and repetitive, and that’s how it’s supposed to be, it’s the Abnegation way.

Ironically, Marcus, one of Abnegation’s leaders, never cared to follow the rules. He always makes sure to put on a good show in front of others but I know how he really is, Me and my brother are the only ones to, but it doesn’t matter now because in the end, he escaped, leaving me alone with him.

I’ll never forgive him for that.

I wake up before my alarm has time to go off and, still dazed and half asleep, I push away the grey sheets and stand up tentatively, cold and tired.

The sleepiness doesn’t seem to go away, it makes sense, as I spent most of the night turning and tossing in my bed, thinking about today's choosing ceremony, it's my fault.

Getting out of my room and into the hallway, I’m careful not to make any noise, as to not wake Marcus up.

I tiptoe down the stairs to the living room and go straight to the kitchen to make breakfast for the both of us.

Nothing fancy, the usual, just two bowls of plain milk and cereal and a mug of coffee for my father.

I don’t drink coffee, I find the taste revolting but my brother always loved it, he used to drink it all the time even if we weren’t allowed to because my father saw it as a form of self indulgence.

As I move around the kitchen, heavy steps from the stairs inform me my father woke up from his slumber and I already know he’s in a bad mood.

When he reaches the table, pulling out a chair from underneath it, I flinch, almost spilling boiling coffee all over myself.

“Mornin’” he grunts, not even raising his head to look at me, and I’m quick to go back to making him his coffee “Good morning” I repeat, setting the table for breakfast.

I serve him quickly, worried he might get angry if I take too long, then put down my food and sit awkwardly across the table from him, mixing my cereals in silence.

In Abnegation, us children aren’t allowed to speak during meals unless directly questioned or spoken to.

I pray to myself this will be one of those days where he ignores me and we spend the whole meal staring at our food in silence.

Of course,it never is.

“You need to get ready for the choosing ceremony,” he mutters, staring at me through his mug, the coffee’s steam makes it look like his head is fuming, I nod “I won’t ask what faction you’re going to chose” his eyes pierce right through my soul “You’re staying here, with me” the mug collides harshly with the table and I jump so hard on my chair I almost fall backwards on the floor “Is that clear?”, coffee splatters on the table, a few drops even reach my hands. his voice sounds like a bark, mine’s barely a whisper “Of course”.

The truth is, I’d love to stay in Abnegation but I just can’t, even if the test says I should. I just can’t, being here is slowly killing me and I don’t know how much longer I’ll last

Marcus nods, seemingly satisfied with my answer and in response, I shrink further in my seat.

My brother left Abnegation three years ago today, our father never told which faction he chose, maybe out of fear that I’d choose to follow him, but the beating I got that day sent me into Erudite’s care for a while and it’s something neither my mind or my body will ever forget.

To this day I’ve never seen him that angry.

I’ve never seen my brother since either.

After breakfast I go get dressed, I find my clothes neatly folded in my dresser, I don’t own that many so almost half of it is empty while the other is occupied by small grey piles of similar articles of clothing.

I stare at it for a second before grabbing the usual: Grey long skirt, grey midi skirt, grey sweater, grey jumper, grey shirt and my grey heavy jacket.

Everything looks either the same or similar so it’s never hard to choose what to wear.

After washing myself and getting dressed, I find trying to tie up my hair today is more annoying than usual. My hair’s way too long for abnegation’s standards, reaching almost my mid back but I don’t have anyone to cut it for me.

Mrs. Prior used to do that for me but since her daughter left, I’ve avoided doing such things as to not remind her of Beatrice’s absence.

I get out of the house earlier than I should, I don’t want to go to the ceremony with my father, so I take the bus right before his.

The Hub is further in the city centre than my school is and today, being a city mandated event, the bus is particularly packed.

While the bus goes from stop to stop, from Candor to Erudite, I stand in a small crowd, barely keeping my balance and almost tipping over an Erudite woman a few times.

“You should be more attentive” she hisses, pushing up her glasses while the bus brakes hard and I’m once again shoved into her.

I apologise profusely while the doors open and I try to make my way out the bus “I am so sorry miss” I blurt out, stepping into the pavement, hurrying to not get crammed in the crowd waiting at the stop.

The Hub is a monumental building, even but than my school, standing at a hundred stories, it almost looks like a deity, judging us from above, ready to come down and destroy us at any minute.

Trying to zig zag through colourful dressed groups of people, I make my way towards The Hub’s square which somehow is even more crowded than the inside of the building.

Sometimes I forget how many people live in this city, every year we reunite for the choosing ceremony and each time, I’m shocked by the numbers of people that show up.

Each member of each faction is invited to watch the ceremony but not all choose to participate, some for choice, others for work reasons.

Most Abnegants prefer not to indulge in this, choosing instead to keep working or staying home to take care of their houses and their children.

The Erudites say it’s because our numbers are dropping each year and we’re ashamed to show ourselves to the other factions, but it’s not true, we just can't take off days from our godly duties.

My hands tremble as I walk through the big glass entrance,I look around, “I wonder why all these people are here” I say to myself “How many of them are like me? Are these their families or just people that are here for tradition?”.

The way to The Choosing hall is quite intricate, a labyrinth of halls and rooms leading to the stands.

Every faction has their own, most people haven’t sat down yet but it’s clear that the smaller one is reserved for Abnegation, while the bigger is Amity’s.

The “Choosers’” stands are mixed and we’re made to sit in alphabetical order, creating a weird mismatched rainbow of colours.

This year's Ceremony is hosted by Amity, it’s clear by the colourful decorations of the hall.

Drapes of flowers and green branches animate the room, new rugs have been put in place since last year, a golden hue accompanying each of my steps, the podium where the faction’s leader makes their speech is decorated with Orange tree branches, fruits hang from one of them while others are ornate by small white flowers.

When I reach the choosers stands an Amity man touches my shoulder lightly “Hello,What’s your name, sister?” I instinctively retract from his touch “Eaton, Miriam Eaton” I answer, and he points me to my seat, which is higher than I expected.

From up here I can see most of the stands well, the room is almost full now, each faction has taken their place and Johanna, Amity’s leader is taking her place on the podium.

While I dry my sweaty hands on my skirt, a small figure makes her way towards me, eventually plopping down on the empty seat on my left, she looks calm, peaceful, sitting criss-crossed on the seat and humming something under her breath, she smells nice.

I look at her with the corner of my eye, careful not to seem intruding, she’s pretty, even for Abnegation’s standards, her long blonde locks almost reach her lap and her brown eyes seem to glow under the warm lights of the room.

On my right there’s an Abnegation boy, he sat down right before me and now he’s staring at his shoes.

I know him, Isaac Elliott, he lives a few houses down the street from mine, I never really talked to him but he still greeted me when I sat down.

The room is very noisy, but as Johanna raises her hand to call everyone’s attention to herself, trying to start her speech, everyone quiets down in response.

When she starts reading the manifesto of the factions everyone listens attentively, looking at her.

Everyone but one, I feel a gaze burning through my skin and I turn to Abnegation’s stands, to find his eyes.

Marcus watches me intently, stoic for a second, then he smiles, I shrink back from his gaze, cringing, his smile is empty, void of any emotion or good intent.

For other people, a smile is a sign of joy, maybe kindness but for him, it’s a warning, one he only gives when we’re in public, it means “Don’t try me”.

It’s right when Johanna finishes her speech and starts calling out the names of the choosers that I make my choice, I’m not going back to Abnegation, I can’t, I won’t, it doesn’t matter what faction I’ll end up in, it just can’t be Abnegation.

I’ve dedicated all my life to that faction and I love everything it stands for but I can’t live like this forever, I can’t go on knowing about the willing ignorance of the members, the insincerity of the Council, my family…

After a while, the Amity girl beside me is called to choose, her name is Daisy Drayton.

I watch her as she makes her way down the stairs with confidence, stopping only once he reaches the bowls.

Each one has it's own table and each contains the element of a faction.

Johanna hands her a knife, similar to the one in the simulation test, and she cuts her palm with it.

A thin red line forms on her small hand and, expression unbudging, she goes over to the furthest bowl, putting her hand over it and watching the blood drip.

I watch the small frizzle of blood come out of the hot coal bowl. She chose Dauntless.

Suddenly a roar of claps and shouts fills the room, Dauntless members are cheering her on, inviting her to sit amongst them.

She smiles, heading to her new faction without even looking back towards her old one. I admire her decision, it must have been hard if she’s so sure about it.

After watching her sit down and being congratulated by the other members, I’m convinced I know what I should choose.

I just hope it’s the right thing to do.

After a bit, Johanna calls my name and I stand up, trying to seem as confident as the girl before me as I make my way down the stairs.

I don’t dare to look at my father, I know that if I did I’d falter so I look ahead, towards my future.

When I near the bowls, Johanna greets me with a smile, handing me the knife.

When I reach to take it from her, she hesitates, leaning towards me “This is your time,” she whispers “Make your choice”.

I nod, then look straight at the bowls, they’re all perfectly lined up in front of me, from the left are soil, water, glass, stones and hot coals.

Amity, Erudite, Candor, Abnegation and Dauntless.

Everyone is looking at me now, I feel their eyes on my back, I stare at the bowls, then the knife, then the bowls again.

I can feel my heart thumping, my chest feels like it’s going to explode, I want to scream, run away and not choose but I still go on.

My hands tremble as I slice my palm open, the blood feels almost too hot now.

I straighten my arm over my faction’s bowl, waiting for the blood to drip, an abnegation staying in their faction, nothing new.

My gaze fixates on the bowl, I can hear its call, the grey rocks are the lure, trying to convince me to stay.

The rocks, they’re simple, small, modest and… Insignificant.

Do I really want to be this for the rest of my life? A grey spot in a world of colour, living like an ant, always forgetting myself for the greater good?

My arm jerks over the bowl on my right just before my blood spills on the rocks.

I hear the sizzling of the hot coals before I realize what I’ve done, an eerie smell fills my head and suddenly, it feels like I’m deaf.

The whole Dauntless stand is shouting and clapping for me, they’re cheering me on, calling for me to join them.

I’m paralyzed, my legs feel like wood and I just stare blankly at them for a few moments.

Dazed, my thoughts run to my brother, his choice and how I’ll never see him again.

When I finally walk towards the transfers’s stands I’m met by big pearly smiles and handshakes. I try not to falter, being as polite as I can.

When I sit, taking a breath of relief, a small voice surprises me “I’m Daisy Drayton” I turn to meet the warm eyes of the Amity girl from before, her hand extending to take mine.

I oblige and she leans over to place a kiss on my cheek, I instantly blush and she laughs.

It's Amity's form of greeting, I think to myself, I always forget about it even though I’ve been to Amity many times before.

Her handshake is firm, mine is quite the opposite “I’m Miriam” I answer, trying to put on a smile, us Abnegants don’t do it often.

After that, we stay put, patiently waiting for the ceremony to end, watching as the remaining choosers make the decision that will shape them forever.

Some of them choose Dauntless, but most, opt for either Erudite or Amity.

When the last girl is called I realize that only two Abnegants transferred to this faction, as almost all of them stayed with their families, it’s me and another boy.

The last girl chooses Amity and, after cleaning the knife for the last time, Johanna starts her closing monologue.

I barely pay attention to it, instead I look around the room for a bit, then I focus my gaze on the Priors. I don’t know why they’re here, both their children abandoned them just last year, It doesn’t make any sense…

Then Mrs Prior smiles at me, hers is a sincere smile, warm, exactly what I imagine a mother’s smile would be. Her smile doesn't hide any second meaning, it’s simply reassuring.

When Johanna finally finishes her speech, the factions members start to disperse and the Hub slowly empties.

Not knowing what to do, I stand when the other Dauntless do and follow them out the room.

They’re running, I’m not sure why, but I follow them down the stairs and out the building.

My clothes make it difficult for me to keep the pace, but the other transfers also seem to be having a hard time so I don’t beat myself up too much for it.

I feel free, running carelessly, with no apparent destination, alongside my fellow transfers and the dauntless, it's scary but also reassuring to be surrounded by so many people.

We’re like a flock of birds, flying together in the sky. I don’t know anybody here, but I don’t feel alone, for once. “I'm not one of them” I think to myself, looking around “I'm abnegantion,” the thought tugs at my heart, “I'm a fare”.

Nonetheless I feel as if we’re one big entity, each of us is a bone in the skeleton of a much bigger creature.

For the first time in forever, I feel alive.

Chapter 2: The beginning

We run for almost a block, people around me huff and laugh, some are fatigued, others seem just happy to be there, I'm one of them, even though after a while I find my breath running short.

It’s only when we reach the elevated railroad that cuts through the city that I realize what they're planning to do.

I never went on it, I've always believed abnegantion were forbidden to use it, or at least I never heard of anyone having any business going on there.

“What the actual fuck” A loud voice erupts from behind me as a Candor transfer stops and points to the Dauntless that are now climbing up the railroad, they almost look inhuman, like some sort of magical being that clings to walls.

“I’ll never make it” I think, before starting the climb “but it doesn’t matter, I can’t give up, not now”. It’s harder than it seems, the metal bars feel cold and harsh on my hands, they're weirdly slippery but I still manage to reach the top.

Looking down is hard, I’ve always been quite afraid of heights but realizing that although some transfers didn’t even start climbing, some fell while doing it, is even harder. “What will be of them?” I think to myself as the dauntless start running down the platform, shouting and whistling once again.

I do too, without skipping a beat, and as the train passes by I realize why we’re running. The dauntless start jumping on the train, not even waiting for it to slow down or stop, I'm not even sure it actually stops.

“I definitely cannot do THIS” my heart skips a beat, my body freezes for a second as I look at the other transfers jump. I'm going to die, I'm sure of that, I'm not made for this, I'm just an abnegant.

Daisy passes me by, jumping without hesitation and, in a wave of courage, or maybe idiocy, I follow right behind her.

For what feels like a lifetime, I’m stuck between the air and the ground, floating weightlessly, like a bird, then my hands grip the train’s railings haphazardly.
I scream, air is knocked out my lungs, half of my body is swung outside the train, then multiple hands drag me inside.

I fall backwards, hitting the train’s floor with a loud thump, every inch of my body hurts and I'm grasping for a handle and I’m met by the Amity girl from before and a raven dressed boy who shoots me a wink “you’re alright Stiff?” His voice is low but cheerful, he extends me a hand

I sigh at the nickname, but still accept. Stiff is a common thing to call Abnegation in the city but, while it's very derogatory, the grin on the boy's face tells me he's not insulting me. Not yet at least.

“I’m fine,” I say, choked out by fatigue, my arms ache “Thanks for the help.” I stand, wobbly, walking over to the other side of the train and sitting down. They follow suit, plopping down next to me.

“What’s y’all name?” The dauntless guy asks, crossing his arms over his chest, he looks familiar. “You’re quite the extrovert, uh?” Daisy retorts, raising a brow, “are all amity sassy?” I wonder to myself.

The boy raises his shoulders grinning “Hey, I’m in a carriage alone with two beautiful girls, it's only natural that I try and socialize”.

I cringe at his words, my cheeks grow pink and I try to hide my embarrassment by hiding my face behind my sleeves “hey, chill out, you're gonna kill the poor abnegation girl!” Daisy hits his shoulder jokingly and he laughs “Sorry, Sorry” he snorts, while fake dodging Daisy’s hits.

“Name’s Daisy by the way, but everybody calls me Dee” She says shaking in hand, once they calm down, “I’m Miriam” I half-whisper, keeping my hands inside my skirts pockets “Well, I’m Fynn”.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, mesmerized by the aerial view of the city, it all looks so small from above, our whole world is in front of us, almost like we're in charge of it, I relax, looking out the door of our carriage, then, we hear shouts coming from the other carriages.

Fynn shoots up, hovering on the train’s edge, looking outside “They’re jumping off!” he shrieks, looking towards us, eyes almost shooting out his skull in panic.

Daisy and I look each other in the eyes, shocked. “They're what?” I ask, following right behind him, looking out the carriage.

As I look over, a group of Dauntless members jumps off the head of the train, towards the roof of a building. Everyone lands gracefully, either on their feet or with an acrobatic stunt.

“You’re telling me this thing is not stopping” Daisy grabs my arm, steading herself, “She’s so tiny” I think to myself as her hands wrap around my sweater.
“Yup” Fyn nods, combing back his freakish flame red hair “We either jump now or never” He adds, then, in a very dauntless act, he takes a start and leaps off the train.

He screams while flying down and lands on the roof with the other dauntless, but tumbles down right as he touches the floor.

Daisy squeezes my arm, mouth agape in horror “I-I” she’s whining “ok, we'll jump on three” I say, I want to make it, I need to.

I don't look at her but I move my arm to take her hand in mine, it's small and soft.

“One,” I start, steading myself.

“two,” I pray to God to make it to that roof.

“three!” We jump.

Our hands break apart during the jump and for a second, we fly over the void separating the railing and the roof, then we both miraculously crash land on the roof.

I manage to stay on my feet, halfway standing , although my knees give out as soon as I try to make a step, scraping my skirt on the cement below while Daisy hits the ground with her whole body, covering her face with her hands.

She winces but doesn’t seem to have hurt herself much, I run to her nonetheless and Fynn, who was waiting for us, does too.

“That was awesome” Fynn pats my back, and I try to catch my breath before we get to helping Daisy stand upright, “I wouldn’t say so” I retort, voice still shaky, knees still hurting while helping our friend shake the gravel from her dress and her braid.

We only have a moment to catch our breath before a blood curdling scream echoes through the air, for a second I mistake it for the train’s whistle, then I see him. Near the edge of the building, a snow white figure is sloped on the eaves, body shaking uncontrollably.

Most of the initiates, curious about the boy’s howling, make their way to him.
He’s crying, sobbing “Oh my God…Oh my God”, he sounds like a broken record, a wounded animal.

Daisy lowers herself to his height, trying to comfort him, but before she can ask anything, we all suddenly understand his cries, my blood freezes, mouth agape.

down in the street, lying lifeless on the pavement, there’s a small body dressed in white, a girl's.

It’s one of the worst sights I’ve ever laid my eyes on, her white clothing is stained in blood, her body is contorted in an unnatural way, arms wide in weird angles, legs bent backwards and her head is encircled by a weird substance. She almost looks as if she has a halo around her head.

The boy keeps sobbing as Daisy pats his back, she looks horrified at the sight, pale as a ghost.
I look away from them, my insides clutch in an uncomfortable way, I feel like puking, Fynn next to me actually does and a few of the other initiates soon follow suit, it's horrifying, it could have been me, it could have been anyone of us, we just got lucky.

Right as my mind starts racing, thinking about all the ways jumping from that train could've gone wrong, It's then that strong husky voice orders us to go to the other side of the roof, where some Dauntless members are waiting for us.

I take one last look at the girl, the image is now stuck in my mind, then I walk the other way, trying to shake the thought of her from my head, there was nothing I could've done differently. I barely notice the Candor boy standing up and shaking the gravel from his pants, still crying.

In front of us stand three Dauntless men, the one in the middle seems to be the most important as, while he stands on the eaves of the building, moving his weight back and forth and staring right at us with a judging expression, the other two watch him carefully, hands behind their back looking mighty and stoic, like every member of their faction, I always admired dauntless, their defiance, their willingness to be different.

Careful not to stare, I try to hide myself halfway behind Fynn so as to not catch anyone's attention.

The man in the middle suddenly jumps off the eaves, now only a few feet away from me and Fynn. “I’m Eric, one of your leaders” He starts, walking back and forth to look at us.

“If you want to join our faction, this is the way in” He stops, pointing to over the ledge behind him, his leather jacket hugging his figure perfectly, I wonder if all Dauntless people dress like that.

“Although,” he watches our every move, almost like a lion stalking its prey. "If you're too cowardly for us, you can take the stairs like worms, and get out of my sight.”.

“There's something to catch us underneath, right?” Someone, a boy, asks from behind me, voice cracking in worry. I don't turn around to see who, my eyes are fixated on Eric.

His appearance goes against every single of Abnegation’s standards. His blonde hair is shaved on the sides and slicked back on top, his chiseled face is covered in piercings and his body is broader and more muscular than anyone I've seen before at home.

He’s dressed in all black, like all dauntless, in bulky leathery clothing, I look away, people in my faction would have their eyes out of their sockets if they saw him but I could get used to the dauntless’s weird appearance, from the clothing, to their hair and the pieces of metal in their faces.

I lose myself in his light blue eyes before his voice takes me back to reality. “You'll have to see for yourself, blue boy” he grins, pearly white teeth showing, an uneasy feeling sets in me “so, who's gonna jump first?”.

His sudden cheerful attitude clashes with the situation and, as I look around, I notice that no one wants to jump first. Beside me, Daisy is shaking her head, murmuring something incomprehensible, while Fynn's paralyzed, gaze is fixated on the horizon.

Eric looks around, then moves Fynn out his way and walks up to me, his face mere inches from mine, I can see all his piercings now and his glacy eyes are burning holes through mine “you wanna jump Stiff?” He asks, a grin still plastered on his face, I look up to him, I'm regretting my decision to be here, “you'd be worse off at home” I tell myself.

I know this attitude, I've seen it so many times at school, he wants to taunt me, making me look like a coward.

I'm scared, terrified actually but today I can't lose, so I don't back off, instead I nod “I'll do it” I say, my voice comes out meek but I hold his gaze.

He goes back to the eaves and says “be my guest”. I take off my oversized gray sweater, as if it could hinder my jump, revealing the same colour turtleneck underneath. Someone in the crowd whistles while someone else asks if I want help undressing.

I ignore them, comments like this are ordinary for abnegation people, and make my way towards Eric, his eyes never leave me and as I near the ledge he holds out a hand to help me step on it. I'm not sure if it's just chivalry or another way to tease me, but I take it.

His hand engulfs mine,and a hot sensation expands through my body, I blush but I don't dare to look at him. God knows he'd make a clown out of me.

Hesitation takes the best of me for a second, I take a breath, then close my eyes “Stiff if you don't jump I'm going to have to-” I don't let him finish his sentence before I jump off the edge.

I fall, air is knocked out of my chest and the only thing that comes to my mind is the image of the Candor girl on the cold pavement. Will I end up like her? I pray I won't. The fall seems to last for decades but as I start thinking I'll fall forever I hit something bouncy.

Everything around me is dark, a humid musky smell hits my nostrils while my hands try to grab at whatever I've landed on, but I'm unable to get myself steady, instead I keep bouncing around on something quite scratchy.

I bounce another few times before Two hands drag me off and suddenly a blinding light hits my eyes and booming voices welcome me in the Dauntless headquarters.

I shield my face with my hands and look around. I fell into a giant net, I realize with a laugh, just before turning around to see who dragged me off there.

His hands linger on my waist for a moment, there, he stands in front of me. He barely looks at me but when he does his eyes grow big, his brows knit in a frown, he opens his mouth but I'm quicker than him, I'd recognize his face everywhere, even in a million years I'd still remember his eyes.

“Tobias?” I whisper, tears wet my eyes. He looks down at me, mutters something I don't understand, then says loudly “What's your name initiate?” I look at him, suddenly wanting both to cry and to scream at him. “Miriam” I answer, “Dauntless!” he shouts “Welcome Miriam, the first jumper!”.

Clapping erupts from all sides of the hall and Tobias helps me down the stairs to the crowd right before somebody else falls on the net screaming their lungs off.

Even from down here I recognize the flame red hair and I know it's Fynn, he salutes my brother in a friendly way, I wonder if they know each other then, after the applause, he walks up to me and puts a hand over my shoulder.

“You were fantastic out there Mimi!” I shrug his arm off me and raise an eyebrow at his nickname, though he doesn't seem fazed.

“You really made the impression,” I look at him puzzled and he continues “you should've seen Eric's face when you jumped off, looked like he saw a flying dick!” he burst out laughing and I cover my mouth to hide my smile.

After Fynn many others fall down in the net, some screaming louder than others but none reaching his volume. The last one to jump is Eric, who hits the net surprisingly elegantly and gets down off it , shrugging off Tobias's help. I notice how they look at each other, they don't look like friends at all, I might ask him about it later.

My brother directs the group towards a tiny blonde girl, who he says will be one of our instructors for initiation. I barely recognize her, but I remember her face.

Even though she must've lost quite a lot of weight I see the similarity with her father. Beatrice Prior looks right at me, and as her gaze sets upon mine, she turns pale, like she's just seen a ghost.

I look away from her, focusing on my surroundings, we seem to be underground, the walls are made out of rock and all light in the hall is artificial. It's also quite cold.

Beatrice, who I learn now goes by Tris, introduces my brother Tobias as Four. I struggle to not snort at her words, a number? That's what he really goes by now? I think, moving myself behind Fynn's much taller figure to stifle a laugh that thankfully no one seems to notice.

Our new instructions announce that they're gonna show us around before dinner and I notice that my brother is avoiding my gaze.

After a moment of chaos Tris and my brother split our group in two by Dauntless born and transfers before Fynn has the time to introduce us to his raven dressed friends.

Tobias leaves Fynn's group with a lanky and muscular woman named Lauren who doesn't seem very happy about having to show them around.

She stands beside Tris ordering her initiates around, her voice crispy clear above all others, Tris looks like a child, silent beside her much taller and imposing figure but nonetheless she makes herself heard when Lauren and her group leave us, promising we'll see each other for dinner later.

Me and Daisy stand close to each other during most of the tour, barely speaking, absorbing all the knowledge we can about our new faction.
We see most of the headquarters, we cross the bridge to the other side of the Chasm, a void that ends in a free flowing river filled with rocks, and I notice that more than a few of the transfers around me seem afraid of heights.

Our final destination is the transfer's dormitories, which are right in front of the Dauntless born's, consisting of a big dimly lit room full of bunk beds, each with their own lockers for our things. Each dormitory also has bathrooms and showers attached to the main room.

The bathrooms, to all of our demise, look terrible. But worst of all, are the showers. They're separated by sex, by only a wall, and are communal. So, zero privacy.

My eyes widen at the sight but Tris shrugs off our disbelief saying we'll get used to it and that, last year, when she had her initiation, showers weren't even divided by sex.

After the tour we are handed the basic dauntless uniform and are left to choose our bunk, with the order to change and go to the cafeteria for Max's speech and dinner in no more than thirty minutes.

Me and Daisy choose the bunks nearest to the door, and as I look around the room, I realize that I'll have to change in front of everyone.

I cringe at the realization but, to take my head out of it I quickly blurt out “Hey uhm, Daisy,” she turns to me, hairpins between her lips, in the midst of taking the flowers out of her hair “Do you want the top or the bottom bunk?” she gestures vaguely to the top bunk so I sit on the bottom one, looking at her struggling with her hair.

“Do you want me to help you?” I ask, trying not to seem rude “yes, please” she blurts sitting on the floor in front of me. While she's sitting her hair almost reaches the floor, It's even longer than mine.

The flowers in her hair are kept in place by hairpins and braids so I carefully start to remove them one by one. It takes a bit but in the end I free all her beautiful hair.

After I finish she stands up and thanks me, then looks at the clock above the dorm door and lets out a small shriek “Oh God, we're late! We have to change, fast!”.

I stare at her confused for a moment then I realize most of the other transfers have already left for the canteen and only a few remained chatting in their bunks.

We both almost rip out our clothes and I don't have any time to worry about modesty before putting on my new uniform. It's all black and too fitting for my liking but the material is comfy and warm. I put on my new boots haphazardly, take my old clothes and rush down the hallway with Daisy, in the haze we forget to take the flowers with us, leaving them to sit in my bunk.

“Where did Tris say the incinerator for our clothes is?” She asks while running, and as we turn to the left of the stone corridor we almost clash with the guy from the roof, Eric.

“What are you doing here initiates?” He looks at us raising a pierced eyebrow, I stay quiet looking at him, maybe more ogling him, and I notice the tattoos on his neck but can't make out what they are.

“We're looking for the incinerator to burn our clothes” suddenly Daisy takes the word “You do know I am one of your leaders, don't you Amity?” His tone is bored, not annoyed, and before she can reply something I step in.

“I'm sorry sir, we're lost and cannot seem to find the incinerator,” I look him in the eyes and he returns my gaze “Can you please show us where it is so we don't miss the welcoming speech?” I ask, hoping he would help us.

He looks down at me, crossing his arms, puffing out his chest, then says “Two corridors down from this one, turn left when you see a red door” he smirks, then gestures to us to move from him and starts walking his way towards the Chasm.

“And Stiff,” he continues, back turned from us “If I was you I'd run because the speech starts in exactly seven minutes”.

We run down the hallways to the incinerators and, while I just shove all my grey clothes in the mouth of the fire without hesitation, I can see Daisy is hesitant.

In abnegation we are thought to disengage ourselves from material possessions and to not wish for money as to not sin of greed or gluttony.

Back at home I don't have anything that has a special meaning, for meaning, according to Abnegation, is held in good deeds towards others and God and not in materialism.

I see tears streaming down Daisy's delicate features and even though I don't understand her feelings I place a hand on her shoulders “It's going to be okay” I whisper, knowing I could be lying.

She looks up at me then, in a moment of strength throws her colorful amity dress in the fire.

Something is still in her hands, due to the lighting I can't see it well but It's shiny and she quickly shoves it in her pants pockets. I don't question it and decide It's best to rush to the dining hall.

We reach the Cafeteria just in time for the speech, when we make our way in the room I realize It's much much bigger than I thought it'd be. It's almost twice if not thrice the conference hall in Abnegation and houses what seems like the whole faction.

From a bit further we see someone with flaming red hair gesturing to us to come near. Fynn is sat with his Dauntless born friends and while he scolds us for being late, he reveals that he kept two seats beside him just for us.

I try looking around for my brother, but suddenly a dark skinned man a few tables down from our stands on a table and starts talking.

His voice is strong, decisive, and as he asks for silence every voice in the room grows quiet. “Good evening Dauntless,” he starts looking around the hall. “For those new to the faction, I'm Max, one of your leaders and I'm here to welcome you in your new life.”

He doesn't smile but his voice isn't as menacing as Eric's, it's almost warm, welcoming “In this faction we value bravery above anything else” He looks towards our tables full of initiates, and I stare into his dark eyes.

“We train, not only to fight all our enemies but also to defy fear and cowardice” He continues, stern “Here we believe in order and, most importantly, ordinary acts of bravery.”

He then concludes his speech with his best wishes to our success. I look around the room searching for our other leader but I can't see him, it's weird, but I think he must have more important matters in his hands.

I turn my attention to my fellow initiates who are happily chatting and eating. Fynn is quick to introduce us to his friends “This are my new transfer friends” He starts “The blonde over there is Daisy” he gestures to her with his fork “While the cutie beside me is Miriam” He adds, patting my shoulder, much to my chagrin.

I just blush in response and bow my head in salute. Fynn then turns to us, happily introducing his friends “this one,” he starts, pointing to the dark skinned boy in front of me with his fork, in abnegantion all of this gesturing would be considered rude, but nobody seems to mind, “is Chase, and he's a real hot head so don't ever piss him off” he whispers the last part smugly and the guy just laughs in response.

“The girl beside him is Viveca” Fynn adds, throwing her a piece of his bread bun “She looks all shy and stuff but she's even meaner than him!” The purple haired girl gets all red in the face “That's not true! I'm calm and collected” she shrieks, throwing a whole bun in Fynn's face.

Daisy, on my right, laughs maniacally and I too, laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. They go back and forth throwing pieces of dinner at each other while I serve myself with the food on the table.

I don't recognize it, in Abnegation we mostly eat vegetables and sometimes white meat, cooked simply and our food is seasoned with just salt and pepper so all the sauces and condiments confuse me.

Chase seems to notice my situation as he asks “you've never had a hamburger before?” I look up at him puzzled. “Uhm no,” I say, moving around the meat patty on my plate with a fork.

“In Abnegation we don't eat like this..” I continue, embarrassed. Surprisingly the boy gives me a
smile and chuckles “Well, there's a first time for everything, here let me show you..”

He proceeds to tell me all about how to assemble a hamburger and shows me all the different sauces and even though he and Viveca recommend I put some sauces in the hamburger, I stick with a simple slice of a weirdly orange cheese and some lettuce.

They say it must taste bland but I don't mind, the taste of the patty is already overwhelming to me so I don't want to overdo it.

After a while dinner ends and we all walk back to our dorms, we chat and joke, the Dauntless born telling us about their shenanigans here and once at the door me and Daisy say goodbye to our new friends and head to our bunks to get some sleep.

Daisy steps in first but before I can enter the room, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I turn around fast, almost slapping sway then hand and stepping away.

In front of me stands a tall and frail looking guy, his hair is blonde and cut very short, I recognize it, it's an Abnegation’s haircut.

The boy hesitates, then says “So, you're also from Abnegation uh?” I nod slowly “I'm Aaron, Aaron Callahan” he holds out a hand, I shake it trying to maintain a strong grip “I'm Miriam” he chuckles and I frown “Oh I know who you are…” he then passes me by, heading to his bunk.

Being from the same faction, we kind of already knew each other, it didn't make sense for him to introduce himself like that, especially with a handshake. It's very frowned upon for men and women to have unsolicited contact with one another.

I brush my hand on my thigh, almost as if to clean it from some imaginary dirt.

“well, goodnight” he adds but I don't reply, I just close the dorm door behind me and put on my night clothes. While I change I can't help but feel watched and, as I lay in my bunk I wonder for a second if Daisy would let me sleep alongside her in her bed.

It takes me a while to fall asleep, I have many things to think about, initiation, my new friends, this whole new world, but most of all, Tobias.

Just as the thought of him reaches my mind I start drifting off, it's weird knowing that tomorrow I won't have to wake up, do chores and prepare Marcus's breakfast, it's freeing but also scary to not know how tomorrow will be.

It's different, sure, almost terrifying, but I think it's for the best.

I'm dazed, still half asleep, my body is stiff from laying in that military bunk and I'm dreaming about life in Abnegation.

I'm outside my house, it’s just a small cement building with a few windows and a bare grey roofing, unimportant in the greater scale of the city, every other home in our neighborhood looks the exact same, only a little smaller.

I walk towards the disheveled road in front of me, I don't remember where exactly I'm going, when two little girls pass me by. I recognize them, their names were Temperance and Grace although I never could distinguish them.

They were a few years younger than me, I think the only reason I remember them is because their house was right in front of hers.

My vision hours, my street suddenly a weird spiral and before I can think clearly I see the twins again, now they're asking why I have a weird name “I don't know” I respond, murmuring. They laugh, faces contorting in malicious grins, and I frown at their behavior although it feels almost familiar.

Abnegation rules state that we are not to engage in childish mockery as to not sin of selfishness and disrespect towards others and God, that's what my teacher taught me.

They mock me, pushing me around, saying that my parents must not have wanted to name me something good or meaningful, like theirs did and I can't help but agree, their touch stings, like thousands of bee stings.

Marcus once told me it was my mother's choice to name me Miriam and that she insisted upon it. I never knew why, never had the opportunity to ask her anyway.

Before the scene ends I start to wake up, although I already know where it's going, she was the one to reprimand the twins about their behavior before walking me home, hand in hand.

It was then that I learned that she had just moved in the house right in front of the twins.

Suddenly, I force my eyes wide open, expecting to be met by the simple grey ceiling of my room, but when I see nothing but darkness around me, I turn ,facing the wall, ashamed of my weakness as tears fill my eyes.

I silently cry myself back to sleep, stifling my sobs, like the helpless baby I am. It takes a while but in the end I'm able to get back to a weary sleep.

In the morning we are woken up by the horrible sound of something, that I later discover to be my brother's hands, banging on the metal door of the dorm.

The clock above it tells me it's 6 o'clock sharp, and as I quickly get out of my bunk, still in my night clothes.

I stare at Tris and Tobias. They hover on the entrance of the room, their eyes dark due to the lighting, like vultures waiting for a meal. They look at us as if we are their prey, arms crossed over their black jackets. But the height difference between them makes their stance almost comical. I snort, my brother thankfully doesn't seem to notice.

I stand up just as Daisy jumps off her bunk energetically. Judging by how she's acting, people in Amity must wake up early in the morning, like Abnegation. The other factions must be more lenient given the crankiness of some of our fellow initiates.

"Good Morning initiates,” my brother announces, his voice is much lower than I remember, “Today you will begin the first phase of initiation, physical training” a moment of silence follows.

“How many phases are there?” A boy behind me asks, and I shiver recognizing Aaron's voice “three, physical, emotional and psychological” he explains “Each phase will last two months”.

He then looks at Tris and nods “Now, you can get changed and grab breakfast” she says, putting her hands on her hips “be in the training room by 6:30” a few groan answer her orders but she ignores them, turning on her heels and leaving the room with Tobias trailing behind

“Don't be late initiates” She advises, and for a second she reminds me of Eric, her tone is peremptory and doesn't leave space for questions.

We all rush to dress ourselves and, almost ripping off our night clothes to put on the ones from yesterday and once again, I don't have time to think about modesty or how the other initiates may be watching me change , as I have to rush to the Cafeteria.

Thankfully this time we don't run into anybody and we make it to our table by 6:15, even if with a slight heavy breath. There we find Chase, Viveca and Fynn sitting with a man with teal hair that I barely recognize.

His dark eyes light up when he sees me walking up to their table, he shoots upright “Oh fuck, it's you!” He half shouts, receiving puzzled looks from my companions.

“Sebastian, right?” I ask tentatively, blushing, surprised to see him sitting there “wait, you two know each other?” Fynn suddenly asks looking at the man, putting a hand on his arm.

“Yeah, I was the one to administer her the aptitude test” he then looks at me “You know my little brother?” I nod, my eyes widen.

Before I can speak Daisy interrupts “You two are brothers?” She asks and they both nod “I mean, I can see the similarities but the coloured hair kinda throws me off” she adds, shrugging and sitting down to pour herself a generous cup of coffee.

“I'm way hotter than my little bro though, right?” Sebastian, sits back down, laughing and hitting Fynn's shoulder. He retaliates by punching his jokingly “Way hotter” Daisy laughs with him.

“I'm Dee by the way” she then adds offering her hand for Sebastian to shake, he takes it energetically and replies “Well it's nice to meet my lil’ brother's crew” he then pours himself a glass of what I believe it's orange juice “y'all can call me Seb”.

I sit myself beside him and start to eat. I fill a big glass with orange juice, put two pieces of buttered toasted bread on my plate and start eating while looking around for a clock just to see that we still have ten minutes before training starts.

Viveca in front of me is laughing as she tells a story “You should have seen it” she starts “Lauren and Eric came to wake us up and we all shot up from our bunks when we heard Eric's voice” Chase then intervenes “All but one” and they both look at Fynn who's munching down his third piece of toast with jam.

“Yeah, sleeping beauty here wouldn't wake up” Viveca chuckles “When Eric saw him sleeping like a rock he walked up to his bunk without saying a word and throwed him off it, mattress and all” she starts laughing again and this time we join her.

“You should've seen his face, he looked like he shat himself!” Chase adds, hitting the table while laughing “he screamed like a little girl!” Fynn suddenly shoots up “I did not scream like a little girl” he shouts, his voice high-pitched, then laughs.

The few Dauntless members around us look annoyed by the chaos but nobody says anything, they just shoot us ditty looks, it doesn't feel very Dauntless like.

“And for the record, Eric doesn't scare me, I was just surprised!” He exclaims pointing to our still laughing figures, mockingly pushing his brother towards me “He's just a ripped jock, a kitten would do more to scare me than him!”

He hunches over to take a glass of water from the table “He'll, Chase's bald head is more intimidating than that hunk”. I look at Fynn while chewing my toast, it feels like I'm watching a show, careless of his words, but I can see Sebastian beside me tensing up.

“I acknowledge your sentiment, initiate.” a husky voice behind me interrupts him and a shiver runs down my spine.

I look up to see Eric's figure standing just and inch from my shoulders, I quickly tur to Fynn, who, despite his words, looks terrified and starts mumbling apologies, “We'll test your bravery with today's training, although I'd advise against insulting those who will decree your ranking scores” he says sternly, then hands over to Sebastian a pile of documents.

“I need these done by tonight, Seb” he lowers himself between me and him and Sebastian nods. “Will do” he responds, and Eric pats his shoulder “You look way better in black stiff” he adds, barely whispering.
I blush violently, trying hard not to look at his face and turning away to face Daisy who barely heard him, while Eric walks off without saying anything.

“That was weird” I hear Daisy say, “what was weird?” Viveca's green eyes quickly shift to us, then to Sebastian who simply chuckles, squeezing my shoulder in solidarity, I'm still fed as a tomato.

"Eric just said our Miriam here looks good in black” Daisy whispers to her, careful not to let Chase or Fynn hear. Viveca puts both her hands on her mouth and chuckles “Oh. My. God.” She then laughs and I cover my face with my hands in embarrassment.

“What happened?” Chase asks, looking at us with suspicion “none of your business baldy” Viveca shoots back and Sebastian gives me a pat on the back “Don't worry, he's not the flirty type.” He whispers to my ear and I look at him cocking my eyebrow “I hope so, he's our superior!” I whisper back and he just chuckles, while I cringe in pure embarrassment.

“Fuckfuckfuck, we have to rush to the training room or else we're dead!” Fynn suddenly shoots up from his seat, shoves a piece of toasted bread in his mouth and hurries us to leave.

We all follow him quickly saying goodbye to Sebastian who remains calmly in seat, drinking his coffee.

While we rush to the training room I realize my hair is not in my usual bun. I curse myself for forgetting while we walk through the rocky hallways of Dauntless.

When we finally reach the room we're a minute early and I turn to Daisy “Do you, by any chance, have a spare hair tie” she looks at me while she adjusts her long braid “uhm, I think so, wait a sec” she says, then shoves her hands in her pockets for a few seconds and smiles happily when she finds the yellow hair tie.

I thank her profusely, promising to give it back, then, as I make my way towards the initiate group in the middle of the room I put my hair in a high bun.

Loose, my raven hair reaches my mid back, it's very thick and it's been bothering me for quite some time. While I tie my hair, I wonder if I would be able to find someone to cut for me here in Dauntless.

As we stand with our group, Lauren orders the Dauntless born initiates to go to the other side of the gym with her and Tobias while Tris and Eric remain with us. I'm disappointed, seeing my brother follow Lauren as I hoped he'd train us just so I could maybe talk to him. Seeing that he didn't seem to want to even look for me.

“As we told you before, this is the first day of Physical training” Tris breaks the silence “During these two months you will learn things such as hand to hand combat, knife throwing and how to fire a gun” she starts walking back and forth in front of us while Eric stands still, tattooed arms crossed on his chest.

“These abilities will help make a soldier out of you, but combat alone doesn't make a soldier.” She suddenly stops “Discipline and order make soldiers”.

Eric waits for her to be done talking, clears his throat and steps forward “Today you will learn the basics of hand to hand combat, now,” he points to a long line of what I think are training equipment “each one of you stand by a punching bag”.

While we're moving I hear someone in my group say “Why the hell is he here, isn't he supposed to be a leader or something?”.

The one to speak was a Candor boy whom I don't know the name of, I just shrug at his obnoxious tone of voice but unfortunately for him, Eric hears him.

“I'm not here to train you, initiate.” he gets closer and closer to him and his little group and I hurry to my punching bag, almost as if he could take it out on me next.

“I'm here to supervise your trainer, but most importantly, your training”. His face is now inches from the guy’s “Now, given that you are so eager to be heard, tell me your name initiate”.

The boy holds Eric's gaze, he wants to look strong to his friends, but he's coming off way too cocky, and for a moment I think he's going to punch him “My name is Cohen Rubenfeld”, Eric just cocks his pierced eyebrow and Cohen stutters “Sir”.

“Well Cohen,” he's voice almost mocking”fifty push-ups, now” it echoes through the gym causing me to shiver. The boy doesn't dare complain or retort, he drops to the ground and does the first five without much struggle, then starts panting and sweating.

It's quite the pitiful spectacle and I almost feel sorry for him. All the initiates around me are looking at Cohen right now but I'm almost mesmerized by Eric's image.

He stands just under one of the room's bright lights, his piercings are shining and his eyes look almost like ice as he watches Cohen struggle.

When he finally collapses, after no more than fifteen push-ups, Eric smirks, “Maybe you didn't hear your trainer well enough before initiate,” he lowers himself to Cohen, who's laying in the floor panting, “Soldiers are disciplined and listen, they aren't obnoxious and weak”.

When Cohen finally reaches his own punching bag, Tris starts explaining to us how to properly throw punches and kicks. It's very tiring as I'm not used to exercising but after a little while I think I start to get the hang of it “You're doing good, uhm” Tris says passing by “Miriam” I say “That's right” she nods, apologetic “Try aiming your kicks a little higher” I thank her, following her advice, thought she looks uneasy.

We do the same exercise for so long that after a while I lose track of time, although when Tris calls for a break I'm so relieved I almost fall into the punching bag.

“You have three minutes, initiates” Eric says in his usual half bored tone and I walk over to Daisy who sits on the floor catching her breath.

I sit down next to her and smile softly when she turns to me “Exhausting, uh? She asks and I nod “I’ve never done anything like this” I say “In amity we do a lot of farm work, so I thought it wouldn't be so bad” she laughs “I was so wrong! My arms feel like they're going to fall off!” I laugh and she extends her arms, shaking them in a silly way. “It's weird not being alone all the time”, I think to myself as she hands me a bottle of water and we chat for a bit more.

The rest of the training goes the same way over and over, until finally Tris gives us the authorization to go eat lunch in the cafeteria.

I almost think I won't make it there, my legs feel like overcooked pasta and I'm exhausted but as Viveca, Chase and Fynn jog towards me and Daisy in the halls I seem to re-find my strength and we make our way to lunch.

Chapter 3: Steps

The first days went by quicker than I expected. We were up and training everyday, learning how to fight. On our second day Tris informed us that we'd start fighting each other the next week and that those fights would be graded and used to make the rankings that would decide our place in the faction.

I also tried talking to my brother everytime I could, although he avoids me like the plague. I even tried following him around but that didn't work. That made it so now my friends are getting suspicious and now Fynn is convinced I have a crush on Tobias.

As I turn around in my bunk I can feel every muscle in my body tense, fatigued by our long hours of training, and I keep my eyes shut hoping to get a few more minutes of sleep, knowing too well they'll come to wake us up in minutes.

I don’t regret choosing this faction, not yet at least, it was probably the best shot I've ever had at survival but knowing that from today on I will have to fight the other initiates honestly scares me.

During last week I actually picked up fighting quite well, even though I'm better at receiving punches than throwing them. I don't enjoy the idea of hurting people but I also can't refuse to fight.

Only a percentage of initiates will be admitted in Dauntless and those who aren't on the top twenty of the rankings won't make the cut, I need to be good, I can't become factionless.

The sound of Tobias's hands against the door fills my ears and I get out of bed dazed, my vision still cloudy. I get dressed quickly and follow my friends down the halls to the cafeteria.

In the short week I've been here, I started eating much more, so the plate I serve myself today consists of a generous portion of what I believe are scrambled eggs, two buttered toasts, an apple and a big glass of juice.

“You still refuse to drink coffee, uh?” Daisy teases me, and I nod “It's not seen well to drink it in Abnegation, it's true, but I simply don't like the taste” I say while eating my eggs “Also, it's far too bitter for my liking”.

Sebastian chuckles “What?” Daisy asks “Do you know how Eric drinks his coffee?” “Dark as his damned and mysterious soul?” Fynn interrupts, making exaggerated faces and gestures, although he now looks around wearily before mocking Eric “With three to four scoops of sugar” he replies and I choke on my juice “You're lying” I spout, thinking about our fearless leader Eric, the one who seemed to argue constantly with my brother, drinking his coffee with that much sugar.

Sebastian just puts his hands up “hey, don't shoot the messenger, I don't tell lies” he then points at the clock behind him “But y'all should hurry up and eat before Eric finishes his diabetic coffee and breaks your bones for being late”.

When we reach the gym we notice all four of our trainers are standing in front of the fighting mats. Lauren is first to talk “Today you will start your fight training, there will be two matches going on at the same time,” she points to two mats “One for the transfers, one for the Dauntless born”.

“On that whiteboard you will find the pairs in order” My brother adds, smirking “I suggest you take a look and go warm up, we'll start in ten minutes”.

Right after my brother stops talking every initiate in the room rushes to see who they are paired up with. I can see Fynn's head tower above the crowd but I choose to wait a bit.

Not even a minute later Daisy is jogging up to me, her face contorted in laughter “Miri,” she starts wheezing, putting her hand on my shoulder, and I frown “Did you know Fynn's actual name is Fynnley?” “Mind your own name, flower!” I hear Fynn shout from a few feet away and I chuckle.

I reach the whiteboard after the others and start to read it up. I don't even recognize some of the names but the ones that catch my eyes are a few.

Cohen Rubenfeld x Shilo Phelps
Miriam Eaton x Cassidy Deng
Daisy Drayton x Lorelei Kenley

I also notice who my Dauntless born friends are up against but I don't recognize who their opponents are.

Cassidy Deng is a minute girl from Candor, even smaller than Daisy. I frown, noticing that our match is the second, and look over at my trainers.

I'm almost double that girl, who thought this would be a fair match? I think, but maybe this is the real Dauntless spirit and I just don't get it. For them true courage is standing against your opponent no matter how bigger or stronger they are and fighting with all your might for your faction. Abnegation is not like that.

Daisy and the others go to warm up before the match but I choose to stand near the mat to watch the fight. If I want to stay in the top twenty i have to learn how to fight and how better to learn if not by studying my opponents? I see Cohen entering the match sweating confidence, he even takes off his shirt with a theatrical gesture and I hear Tris beside me scoff “no need to undress initiate, this is not ancient Greece” she says mockingly and I look at his opponent.

Shilo is a tall and broad guy from Candor, who I haven't heard speak since the start of initiation. He has short brown hair, big brown eyes and his face is full of freckles. He looks nervous but nonetheless, when Eric announces the fight, he steps on the mat without hesitation.

“These matches are until K.O.” he says sternly “Understood? There is no giving up” both the boys nod and Tris interrupts “These are the rules: No biting, scratching, pulling or low blows " Eric scoffs "Now,” he smiled, it's almost malevolent “Start”.

After his words Cohen throws himself on Shiloh and I hold my breath. He punches Shiloh's side repeatedly but he covers it, then he gets a blow to the side of the head and stands back.

Shiloh doesn't move to attack him, he just regains his posture, fists up in defense, waiting for another punch. Cohen doesn't hesitate and punches him right in the stomach, this time hitting him. They exchange a few more punches before they start getting tired.

Cohen's black hair sticks to his forehead and he starts panting and trying to punch Shiloh's face while he seems unbothered. As I watch entranced, someone walks up behind me “You're not warming up before your match Stiff?”.

A shiver runs down my spine as his hot breath hits my ear and neck, and I suddenly turn around. My eyes meet Eric's icy gaze and I can tell he's waiting for an answer.

“No sir, I uhm, wanted to learn from the other initiates” he nods, then looks behind me and shouts “Are you going to end this match or not?”.

My eyes go wide as when I turn around I'm just fast enough to catch Shiloh's foot crashing against Cohen's temple, knocking him out cold. The raven-haired falls on the mat like a broken puppet doll and two tranfer girls rush to him screaming, while Shiloh simply wipes off the blood from his broken lip and walks away.

“Take him to the infirmary” Tris tells the girls who rapidly pull him up and drag him out the room. “Good job initiate” Tris walks up to Shiloh, who nods in response, then she points to me “Miriam and Cassidy, it's your turn, step on the mat”.

I obey and get in position, I put my fist up to my face, straighten my back and keep my legs flexed. Cassidy gets on the mat and we square each other off, I can feel her hazel eyes on me even from under her long bangs.

Before Eric gets the chance to start the match, she squeals and rushes to get her hair in a bun “I can't see anything with my hair down” her voice is soft but high-pitched and I hear a scoff coming from the small crowd of initiates behind me.

“Now, you can start” Eric announces with a small hand gesture and Cassidy throws herself at me. I avoid her punches on my side and block the one she throws at my face.

I don't react instantly but when I block her right fist in my left, my knee crushes with her stomach and she whines.

“I'm sorry” I whisper, my voice almost as lamenting as hers. She thrashes trying to get out my grip, her left hand grasps at my neck, she tries to kick me a few times and I take the hits before twisting back her arm.

I hesitate, I don't want to slam her down on the mat, and she takes the opportunity to kick me in the shins. I lose my grip falling on my back and her now free hand clashes against my jaw. I don't make a sound but grab her ankle making her fall.

She hits the mat with a thud and I block both her hands behind her back, I'm panting softly and some of her ginger hair is sticking on her forehead, she shines and thrashes but I'm stronger.

“Hands off, Marian won” I hear Tris's voice behind me and I instantly take my hands off Cassidy and stand up.

She looks at me with a weird look in her eyes, wary, almost angry, but I offer her a hand anyway “Good match” I say, but she doesn't answer. Instead, she stands up, pushes her hair back, and storms toward the punching bags in the back of the room.

I get off the mat, feeling a bit dizzy, and I'm surprised when I meet Tobias's gaze.
He walks up to me “You did well” he says quietly and I look at him shocked “one week” I whisper and he looks away “You avoided me for a week straight and now you congratulate me, for winning against a girl that's half my size no less?” “Not now, not here” he responds.

I take a step forward, getting annoyed “Then when and where Tobias?” I spout, trying to keep my voice down “It's been three years, and now you're ignoring me” “I'm not” he says, looking behind me.

I want to cry, we spent three years apart and now my brother won't even talk to me, it's not fair, he's abandoning me all over again.

We're interrupted when a familiar figure emerges from behind me “Something's wrong Four?” He inquires looking back and forth between us “you're not paying attention to your initiate's match, I will be sure to note that in your report” he continues, then focuses on me “I didn't expect you to win the fight stiff” he takes a step toward me and I see my brother tensing up beside him.

A faint smile flashes on my face, I nod and push a stray piece of hair out of my face “You have potential, but next time, try not to hesitate so much” he says, brushing his fingers against my bruised jaw, My cheeks flame up to the touch and my gaze avoids his “You might save yourself a few bruises”.

“Eric,” My brother's voice is low, his tone demanding, but Eric doesn't turn to him “Your next match is starting, we should both get going”, he nods walking past me towards the mats then says “go put some ice on it Stiff, you'll be fine”.

My brother hesitates before following Eric “Meet me after dinner at the Chasm, I'll..” he sighs “We'll catch up, now go” I look at him, almost angry, then I nod and head to the door, I almost run, I don't understand him, it's just unnerving.

Before exiting I see Daisy with the corner of my eye. I wished her the best of luck before but now that I see her opponent, a tall sturdy looking girl, I feel bad for her because I won't be there for her match.

I almost disobey Eric's order but then I spot Fynn and the others near the mat.
Viveca's purple hair is put up in a ponytail that swings back and forth when she sees me, all three of them give me a thumbs up, I smile, making my way towards them but Fynn signs me to go away, winking before I go out the door.

They'll keep an eye on her for me, I think, before closing the gym's door behind me.

After the fights finally end I meet up with my friends in the infirmary. Unlike what I thought, Daisy's match didn't go too bad after all, she only has a few cuts on her face but mostly a bruised ego.

“My jaw hurtsssss” she whines, and I press the ice pack on her skin a bit harder “You got off easy,” Viveca says, while sitting with her legs crossed, on Daisy's medical bed “That guy in your group got knocked out cold by his opponent!”.

“You're talking about Shiloh and Cohen?” I ask, and she nods, "which of them is the dark, mysterious and brooding one?” She wiggles her brows and we all laugh “Shiloh, he's from erudite” Daisy answers and, almost like we summoned him, he appears from behind the curtain and I see Viveca's eyes almost fall out their sockets.

“Sorry,” he says, pushing his hair back from his face. “Tris wants everyone in the dorms in five minutes” “Why's that?” I ask, looking at him puzzled. “No idea, she stopped me on my way here, didn't say anything else” I nod, and we all stand up, Daisy still whining.

“I'll go check on the guys” I hear Viv say before she shuffles away, making sure to shoot a wink at Shiloh, who promptly ignores her.

In the dorms, Tris informed us that the rankings would be out the next day with the new pairing and that surprisingly, we did quite well today, at least better than she expected.

After her speech we all rush to the showers, eager to wash the sweat and fatigue off our bodies. They're not half as bad as I expected when I first got here, it's still awkward being naked in a room with all those people but during the showers the other girls keep to themselves and nobody says a word apart from the occasional ‘can you pass the shampoo?’.

I'm enjoying my unusually hot and steamy shower, eyes closed and knuckles deep in my hair, leathering it with products, when Cassidy suddenly comes up from behind me.

“Can I ask you something?” She says, looking up at me and I almost fall to the ground in surprise. I feel watched as her eyes run up and down the curves of my body. Is she not weirded out by the fact we're both naked in the shower?

“Sure” I respond, unsure of what to say “How do you do it?” She says, stepping forward, her dark eyes fixated on me “Do what exactly?” I ask, taken aback, trying to keep my cool.

She does a weird expression, wriggles her arms around, and I try not to focus on the fact we’re both naked and that most of the girls are now either looking at us or eavesdropping.

“You fight so well!” She explains “even while training, you look so natural, how do you do it?”.
I think about it and for a second flashes of my life in Abnegation fill my mind, “I don't know,” respond drily, stepping back in the warm water to wash my hair.

“But if you want, we can spar together during training hours” I add, tentatively, trying not to be rude, and Cassidy squeals “Thank you” she half-shouts, before rushing out the shower room grabbing a towel just before reaching the door, wet ginger hair clinging on her neck and face, making her look like a fairytale creature.

I just go on with my shower, trying not to cringe at the thought of the conversation I just had, when Daisy comments “That was fucking weird” and I snort “Maybe it's a candor thing” I say “talking naked? I think not” she hits my shoulder “maybe she's got a thing for you” she laughs gingerly and I blush “you're weird” I say, before getting out of the shower and putting a towel around me.

“Oh you know you love me!” She shouts at me from under the water jet and I laugh at her childishness.

Afterwards, dinner went like usual. We talked about the matches, who we hoped we wouldn't be put up against and Sebastian told us about his time during initiation, making sure to tell us about how strong he was at the time.

As they chat I barely listen, too focused on what I'm going to say to my brother later to actually pay attention to my surroundings.

“Sooo,” Daisy, sitting in front of me, points her fork at Sebastian “You had your initiation with our trainers?” Sebastian nods “Everyone apart from Tris was in my group” he says and my head shoots up from my plate “You were with Tob-erm, Four?”.

Sebastian gives me a surprised glance “yeah, he was in the transfer's group though” he then extends an arm over my shoulder and grins “Why, you got a crush for our silent but lethal Four?” He whispers and my friends all laugh. I get beet red from embarrassment, pushing him lightly “I DO NOT have a crush on Four!” Sebastian chuckles in response.

“It would be disgusting!” I continue, before stopping myself and shoving a big bite of vegetables in my mouth. “Disgusting, really?” Chase says from the other side of the table “That's a bit much, I mean, if I had a chance with Lauren I'd…” Viveca interrupts him “yeah we all know what you'd do, you perv” she snickers, and the conversation changes as Viv and Chase start arguing.

Sooner or later I'll have to tell them, I think, or they'll start believing I really do have a crush on my brother. I cringe at thought and try putting my mind somewhere else while finishing my plate.

After dinner I quickly excuse myself from my friends and rush to the Chasm. They seem to sense my uneasiness but they don't push me to tell me what's going on and I appreciate that. Once I reach the bridge connecting Dauntless, mainly the working and residential parts, I finally spot my brother.

Standing against the wall, on the other side, he looks ahead with a weird entranced expression and I almost run across the bridge shouting his name, scared he might go away if he actually sees me get near. Although, before I can do anything, he shoots me a weird look, puts his left pointer finger to his lips and I stand there, confused. He then points to his left and makes a sign for me to go to him.

I cross the bridge with a feeling of uneasiness rushing over me. What's happening? I ask myself, metal thumping under my feet end echoing in the void, before stepping on solid ground again. Before I can ask anything his hand finds my right arm and starts leading me through tight rocky tunnels.

I try to wiggle my way out of his grasp but he tightens it and I cry out “Tobias what are you doing?” he doesn't even look at me until we reach what looks like the underbelly of the Chasm, the sound of water crashing against rocks is almost deafening.

He walks towards some big rocks, sitting on one of them “There are cameras everywhere in Dauntless, we have to be cautious” he turns back to me, then pats a spot on the rock next to him.

I ignore him at first, I want to talk, not sit on a rock beside him “Why? I have nothing to hide” I say, but he insists with his stupid gesturing so I end up sitting down tentatively beside him.

“Here, everyone who comes from Abnegation is kept under scrutiny, plus we share a surname, it's got to be suspicious” he adds, and I look at him puzzled “I don't understand”.

He sighs “What was your aptitude test result?” He asks looking straight into my eyes “Abnegation” I answer, still not understanding “Really? Miriam, don't lie to me”. I run a hand through my dark hair “Tobias, why would I lie to you? The result was Abnegation, Sebastian was the one to administer it, go ask him!” I'm getting impatient, I want answers and my brother is asking about the damn aptitude test! “Why did you leave?” I ask, looking down at the water in front of us, he doesn’t move.

“Why did you choose this faction if your result was Abnegation Miriam?” he ignores my words “Are you really asking me that?!” I raise my voice, turning to face him “You really thought I'd stay with HIM for the rest of my life? Marry some man from the council and be a grey little housewife?” “It would've been your best shot at a good life, you made a stupid choice” . His tone's almost spiteful, he's not even looking at me.

I stand up, getting off the rock “You have no right to say something like that” I say, tears are stinging my eyes “You have no idea what's going on here” he says, turning to face me “Then tell me Tobias! For the love of God, tell me!” I cry and he stands up, extending his arms towards me.

I back off, unsure, but he takes me in an embrace and I start sobbing in his chest. It feels almost familiar, I forgot what it felt like to be held, I spent so much time being alone that I forgot what loneliness even feels like.

“Why'd you leave me?” My voice is muffled by his shirt “I had no choice” he responds “You could've told me what you were going to choose” I continue, he laughs softly “I didn't want you to follow in my footsteps, this place is way more dangerous than Abnegation” he puts one hand in my hair, stroking it softly and something in myself lights up.

He can't act like this, I'm not a child anymore. “Why are you ignoring me?” I step out from the hug, almost pushing him away, wiping my tears and looking up at him, he shrugs “Er-,” he looks away, then continues “Someone is keeping an eye on me and the people around me” he says “I don't want to pull you in this situations” “I'm stronger now” I take his hand "whatever it is, I can help you Tobias” I say, but he scoffs “Now, the best you can do for me is keep a low profile and not get in trouble” I nod and he starts to walk toward the exit.

“We'll talk again,” he whispers and I scoff in annoyance.

“Why can't we talk now?” I protest.

He ignores me and leads us out the same halls as before “I'll tell you when, but until then, we don't know each other" I don't say anything, I just stare blankly at the sharp walls surrounding us.

My brother always wanted to fight his battles alone, no matter how big or small they were,It's nothing new. But I've always hated it, it made me feel helpless.

It’s weird, Tobias never liked cramped spaces, I wonder what led him to discover this place, I think right as we get back to the top of the Chasm.

Once we are out, my brother bows his head in salute and I look around to make sure nobody's watching us before I crush into him with a hug. “What the hell are you doing?” he says alarmed, before I let him go, then he rushes away into some dark alley without saying anything.

I stand there, watching his figure disappear in the hallways. silent tears roll down my face and my vision gets blurry just as a familiar teal headed man walks up to me.

“Soooo” he starts, my heart runs cold and for a moment I almost jump down the Chasm, “What was that?” he asks and I just stare at him wide eyed, terrified.

Sebastian was looking at me with suspicion before but now his gaze turns to worried “Hey, did something happen?".

His hands are now on my shoulders, I raise my head to look at him “uh?” “Did he…” he looks around “I saw you coming out that tunnel, did Four do something to you?”. His charcoal eyes are set on mine and realization dawns on me.

“I… no, we just…argued?” I say, brushing away the tears from my face, just as new ones wet my cheeks “Argued over what?” He doesn't sound convinced “Things…” I look away, trying to find a way to escape his questions “Miriam, in Dauntless these kind of things are taken very seriously, when I was an initiate this girl-”

“He's my brother” I blurt out “he left me in abnegation three years ago, now he won't talk to me!” I sound like a child, tiny, whiny and always crying.

Sebastian sighs “Now I get it” he says “I knew there was something going on between the two of you” “how did you-” I work in the control room, I oversee all the cameras” I look around, I never realized how many cameras were placed around Dauntless. In Abnegation all we ever had to keep an eye on us were the other members, for a moment I feel like back at home, looked at and judged constantly.

“Also,” he adds chuckling, “My brother has a big ass mouth” I laugh. For a second we remain silent, simply looking at each other “Please don't tell anybody, I don't want to get him in trouble” I say and he nods “Of course” he then extends his arm towards me “you need a hug?”.

His embrace feels weirdly homey, it's more comforting than Tobias’s, less forced. “Now let's get you to your friends” He says, with a hand around my shoulder before heading towards the bridge, while I follow behind his footsteps.

After that time at the Chasm Tobias went back to his normal self, only sneaking a few glances during training hours and barely a word in private. I don't like it but at least for now, that's the best I can get. It makes me angry, rejected, but after three years, I'm just happy to be near him.

Sebastian is still keeping his promise but he insists I have to tell my friends about it or they'll start getting weird about me and Tobias, more than they already are. I really thought about it, talking about it with someone could really help but I believe it could maybe jeopardize Tobias's position.

In between fights and exercise we also started doing other types of training which revealed themselves to be even more tedious than the normal ones.

Knife throwing is surely my least favorite of the bunch, it's less straining than shooting rifles but It's way more stressful, also because I risked getting sliced by my fellow initiated more than once.

Every day for the last week we've been doing physical training in the morning, then we have lunch and we start again but with weapon training. Every other day we have fights in the morning and patrol training in the afternoon.

Right now, it's afternoon and we're on the shooting range on the roofs of Dauntless, some of us are drifting, others laying down, We're training for the eventuality of urban gun fight, in these months they say gangs of factionless have been multiplying, spreading chaos around the city.

The cold October wind is blowing hard, rain is pounding on our backs, my rain jacket is doing absolutely nothing to keep me warm and the rifle feels too heavy in my arms, my hands are frozen, I want to cry.

As I shift my position after loading another round of ammo, all my muscles are tense and hurting, my ears are ringing and I can't hear a sound.

I just shoot when everybody else shoots, recharge when everybody else does.

Earlier, Tris, Lauren and Four handed out ear plugs but, before we could even take them, Eric took them away from us transfers saying we were not to use them during training as in combat we wouldn't have them available.

The Dauntless born had no issues using them as Eric is not their trainer and I'm pretty sure I've seen Fynn smugly sneaking Daisy a pair. I, once again, just laughed at their complicity.

“Again, get in position!” Tobias orders from behind us. My back is turned but I know he's standing right beside the door for the stairs looking down at the floor, trying not to think about how high we are right now. We have to be at least thirty stories up from the ground.

We've all been crouching on the concrete floor for at least an hour, heavy rifles in hand, doing our best to aim right ahead at the targets and not accidentally shoot each other.

I breathe heavily, my knees are scratched and I feel weak but nonetheless I press the trigger.

I feel every blow in my body, my shoulders ache, I count.

One. Two.

tears prick my eyes.

Three. Four.

my teeth are clattering.

Five. Six.

Eric is shouting but I'm too focused to listen.

Seven. Eight.

It's too cold out here.

Nine.

My arm gives out and my rifle hits the floor. I hear someone right behind me but I can't hear anything. My ears are filled by a static sound, I feel numb., my knees are burning from being crouching for so long.

Looking ahead, there are nine new holes in my target. The flat human-ish figure has five holes in the head, three in the stomach and one in the chest. It's quite deformed from all the rounds I shot at it.

The person behind me speaks again, I feel the rain hitting my back, the boy beside me turns to look at me, he has a hood on, I barely recognise him.

Shiloh's dark hair is sticking on his forehead, he mouths something I don't catch, then points behind me.
I turn around, standing up unsteadily, just as Eric's hands catch my shoulders, his hold is strong, keeping me upright with no struggle.

“Are you deaf stiff?” His face is mere inches from mine but I can't seem to focus on him. His hair is wet from the rain, it's a nice length. My gaze shifts to his face, his piercings, his nose, his eyes, they seem to have a glow about them, he's pretty.

“Stiff!” his voice brings me back to reality, his grip on my shoulder is hurting me “I'm sorry…” I start, unsure, “Did I do something-” “Yes Stiff, you did something!”. Everybody's looking at us now. Are they worried? I see Tris coming up to us from the corner of my eye.

He shakes me a bit “You managed to put all your fellow initiates to shame Stiff” He laughs, it's low, almost derogatory, like it's an incredible feat that I, a Stiff, could ever best the other initiates.

I don't laugh, I don't even smile. In abnegation we are taught to always be polite and grateful to our seniors, but right now, I only want to go take a hot shower.

“We should get back inside” Tris's voice sounds higher than usual, she's annoyed. Eric's hands slip down my shoulder, grazing my arm and hands. Even with my uniform on I shiver under his touch and my cheeks get hot, his hand rests on my lower back, seemingly to keep me steady as I'm quite wobbly in my steps.

“They'll get back inside when all of their bullets start hitting the damn targets” he says sternly, all humor drained from his voice now. “Now,” he continues walking up and down the roof, “Keep your focus and shoot at the damn targets!”.

Tobias walks up to me and Tris, he puts a hand on her back then turns to me, a pitying look in his eyes “Go back inside, you did well enough” I nod, “Thank you” I brush a few wet stray hairs from my forehead. I pick up my rifle without saying a word to the others and head to the door, I'm so disoriented I almost trip down, I feel cold and tired to the bone, I can still feel his hand on my body.

I don't know if my hands are wet or sweaty but the rifle feels slippery in my hands. I start heading down the stairs, I'm too focused on the burning sensation in my arms and legs to notice the man behind me.

“Did I say you could go stiff?” Eric's taunting me, I keep my eyes on the steps "Sir, Four told me I could-" "Is Four your trainer Stiff?" I've had enough.

“Miriam, Sir” I say, my feet are dragging “Uh?” “My name's Miriam, not Stiff, sir” He chuckles. “Fine, and drop the Sir, it's just for those who annoy me” he says, taking my arm “Miriam, sit down” “I have to-” “Sit down I said”.

The steps are cold, I feel the water pooling in my shoes and I curse whomever made the Dauntless uniform so light and fitting.

Eric stands a few steps ahead of me then he crouches, we're at the same eye level now “What's going on between you and that number?” I look at him puzzled. “number?” I ask, shivering from the cold.

“Is it like a Stiff thing? You have multiple women per man?” “I don't understand” I say, squinting, he's looking at me weird.

Lighting strikes in my brain, he must be stupid to actually believe this “Are you asking if there's anything between me and Four?” he nods, then passes a hand through his hair, pushing it back, it's so silky and shiny.

“There's not” my tone is peremptory, I sigh and cover my eyes with my hands, this is so humiliating.

“You two are acting weird, the gnome is too” “The gnome?” I snort, “Is that supposed to be Tris?” He nods and I stand up “what's about you and calling people names?” It escapes me, for a moment I think he might actually just murder me here and now, but then he simply scoffs “none of your concerns, stiff”.

“Listen, I don't get why you're so hostile to each other” I say, walking past him 'And I do not care," I continue “But again, there's nothing between us” “That's good” he says and I keep making my way down the stairs, towards the dorms.

He adds something I don't catch but doesn't follow me.

I notice more than a few cameras in the hallways leading to the main district, some are hidden, some are not. Since that time with my brother it has become a bit of a fixation of mine to find those things around Dauntless.

It makes me feel safe knowing that someone is always keeping an eye on me but at the same time, it's extremely creepy, almost like back in Abnegation.

I'm the first to make it back to the dorms, I barely look around before I drop my rifle and start prepping for a shower, the clock above the door tells me it's 19:00, I have a little less than an hour before dinner starts so I rush under the hot water the first chance I get.

Tomorrow we'll continue with the fights and I'm up against Lorelei, a girl from Erudite who doesn't seem to like me very much. Not that many erudites actually do, it's kind of a tradition for Abnegants and Erudites to hate each other.

I sigh as I hear steps and voices coming from the dorm, my peace is gone, I think before someone shouts from the main room "Hey Miri, we're back!" Daisy's voice fills the room "I'm in the shower" I shout back, my voice echoes through the empty room, I don't hear an answer but after a few minutes I see a blonde head peep from the entrance.

"You should've seen it!" Daisy exclaims and I laugh, "I swear to God, that idiot almost shot his foot off" she rambles on about a Dauntless born guy who accidentally triggered his rifle while reloading it "That's absurd" I respond before going back under the hot water.

Pushing away the thought of Eric’s and my brother's weird behaviour, I could get used to his life. I think to myself while I wash out the cold from my body, I might actually like this little life here in Dauntless.

It's weird seeing it from this perspective, the first few days I thought I was really going to die or at least end up pleading to my leaders to let me get back to abnegation.

But for the first time in my life, it actually feels like I'm a part of something relevant, something good, and I like it.

Chapter 4: Void

It's noon and I'm sitting on a soft grey couch in a dimly lit living room when I hear her voice again.

She graciously makes her way back from the kitchen with a tea tray in her hands, the cups are modest and pale grey, I have the same set in the cupboard of my kitchen.

She hands me one “here you go sweetie” her voice is softer than anything I've ever heard before, it almost feels like a million hugs, I could stay here forever.

“Thank you,” I say, moving to let her sit on the couch, she always wants to sit close to whomever she talks with, I think it's strange, “But you didn't have to, I could've-” “Absolutely not,” she interrupts me, her tone’s peremptory “I'm pregnant, not disabled, I can make tea in my own home sweetie” she doesn't leave room for protest, so I just nod in understanding.

Arguing with her is useless, it's one of the few things I learned in the short time we had together.

My gaze fixates on the gray rug underneath the couch and coffee table, the living room in my house is almost identical to hers. I remember dragging Marcus's semi unconscious body from that rug to his room many times before.

This is room though, it's cosier, almost homey, ours feels like the entryway into an asylum, at least for me.

Maybe it's the fact that they have her to be in charge of the home, I've never seen how my mother kept ours, never had the chance, and Marcus surely isn't the kind to cook and clean, especially not to me.

My mother, I think to myself, while turning my head away from her, I know what she's going to say, her curiosity always got the best of her.

“Soo,” she starts, she's purposely being vague, trying to put me at ease, and I turn my head to look into her gray eyes, they remind me of the sky right before a storm.

“What brings you here child?” I don't answer right away, instead I take a sip of the tea she gave me “It's very good” I whisper, careful to ignore her question and shifting my gaze to the view out the window on our right.

My house has the exact same view, we live on the same street, the council gave them this house, although my father strongly protested.

“It's time to wake up!” Tris’s voice wakes me up from my slumber and I almost tumble down my bed in surprise, I'm still getting used to being woken up this way, and some days are better than others.

The initiates around me groan and grumble insults to her, like every morning since the first day but they start to make their way to the bathroom like an ant colony nonetheless.

I throw my legs off my bunk and stretch a bit before standing up. Daisy jumps down her bunk energetic as usual.

“I'm so done with my hair” she says grumpily while tying her long curls into a high sort of ponytail and someone behind us snorts.

“What are you gonna do, banjo girl? Chop them all off?” I turn around to meet the dark gaze of a girl I don't recognize very well “you're already a nut job, why make it even more oblivious to everyone?” A spew of laughter followed from a few girls, her friends.

“Should I chop yours instead Sloane?” Daisy answers, in a weirdly crude way, not facing her.

Sloane is an erudite born girl who's part of Cohen's clique, I never really talked to her but she seemed to tease Daisy and Cassidy quite a lot, I find her to be an unpleasant presence in our initiate group, not only for her rudeness, but also because she's way too violent during training.

After the weird exchange we get back to dressing ourselves, while I'm still a bit dazed from my dream Dee seems quite serene.

Afterwards, we head to the cafeteria, which during the last week we learned Dauntless actually call the Mess Hall, for the amount of chaos that erupts during meals, knowing we had a few pairs of eyes on us the whole time.

When we make it there, to our great displeasure, we find that all the tables are full except for the one beside the leaders and the one beside Cohen's clique.

“Oh fuck me” Fynn makes his way to us from the door, flamboyant as usual, sporting his best mornig smile despite the circumstances.

“I don't wanna sit near that smartass” Chase follows right behind him “well I don't want to sit next to Eric and friends either” Daisy retorts sarcastically.

We argue for a bit, and me, Fynn and Chase manage to lose against Daisy and to our dismay we end up sitting next to Cohen and his friends who don't even say hi when we take our seats near them.

“Sooo,” I scrunch up against Daisy to leave the most space possible between me and Sloane, while she gives me a side eye.

“Where's Viv?” “Sick” Fynn mouches while biting down his second piece of toast “more like in need of a day off” Chase retorts laughing and I giggle while pushing my eggs around my plate with my fork.

“Can I sit next to you?” A musical voice behind me asks and I turn, meeting Cassidy's big brown eyes, she's crouching and her face is way closer to mine than it would be socially acceptable for it to be.

she looks unsure “No Deng, fuc-” Sloane pitches in before Daisy answers “Of course, come, you can sit between me and Miri” she smiles widely, and Cassidy's face lights up.

“Thanks” she says with a big toothy smile, and for a second, before moving to make her space I'm filled with a sense of guilt.

Was she lonely? I never really noticed with whom she spent her time, I think to myself as I look at Cassidy introducing herself to Chase and Fynn.

They welcome her to the table with ease, telling anecdotes about their life in dauntless, acting all though and charming. I smile, enjoying the conversation before it gets interrupted by someone on my left.

“What Deng, your pansy friend doesn't want you to braid his hair anymore?” a boy sitting across from me at the table laughs mockingly and I feel Cassidy tense up next to me,I almost grab her hand, almost.

“Shiloh's warming up in the gym…” she mutters and I frown at his words while noticing the blond boy sitting next to him grinning.

“What's up with y'all?” Fynn shoots up from his seat, shaking the bench under him and leaning towards Cohen and his friends, the boy from before shrinks in his seat while Aaron shifts his gaze to mine and I turn to Cassidy in response.

What's with him? This is not the abnegation way, being with those people, I understand we're in Dauntless now but this isn't how we were raised, to treat people with hate, our teachers would be so disappointed in him, our Lord too.

“What, are you scared now?” Fynn eyes the table and they keep quiet looking back at him with venom in their eyes, if it had been any other of us, they would have already snapped, but they're scared of the dauntless horns, so we're safe.

After breakfast we head to the training room, now all these rocky hallways are starting to feel familiar, especially when lit up by jokes and conversations.

“Hey Fynn,” Daisy chirps up while walking, me and Cassidy beside her chatting happily, “Do you have any hairdressers here in Dauntless?” “Yeah, quite a few, why?” he lowers himself to her height, interested

“I'm thinking about a drastic cut” she says, secure while playing with her hair “and you could switch your colour out!” “What's wrong with my red?!” He shouts, voice high pitched, fake hurt “I could really use a haircut too” I chime in, trying to keep them from their banter and Daisy jumps on me giggling.

“After patrol we'll go together, what if we coloured our hair?” She laughs, taking Cassidy with her other arm “we could match, maybe a green or a pink?” we both shake our heads vehemently.

“Chill out Dee, you'll kill the stiff” Chase laughs sloping his arm on Daisy's shoulders and I roll my eyes scoffing, parting from the sort of group hug this conversation has become.

Once we reach the training room we find ourselves surrounded by a tense haze, everyone looks stressed and even Tris is looking rather uneasy today as she shift around, arms crossed on her chest, she might even look intimidating if it wasn't for her stature.

“The fighting pairs of today were changed by our evaluator,” she states, shooting a judging glare at Eric, who stands iin the middle of the room, as scary as always hands also crossed on his chest, showing his forearms tattoos. He looks intimidating

“you'll find them on the whiteboard in just a moment, now go warm up”.

I don't think too much of it, they're acting roughly the same as always and until now all the fights have been between same sex or similar strength ranges so it'd make sense for them to stay that way.

“Can we spar for a bit?” Cassidy's small figure makes her way towards me and I smile “yeah sure” I say while tying my hair up in a high bun.

“Just for reference,” she starts, while doing jumping jacks to warm up before we throw a few “how tall are you exactly?” “Five seven-ish, I believe?” “Okok” she starts with the punches.

”I’m not a sort of height fetishist I swear” She laughs, while I dodge one of her high kicks, punching her in the side, careful not to actually hurt her “it's just that I'm five two so training with Shiloh is a bit, uhm” “Uneven?” I finish her sentence and she nods “exactly”

I give her a smile, “That's why I've been trying to train more with you and Dee, you're more my size” I chuckle and one of her punches actually lands, hitting my stomach.

Cassidy's moves got better after our first fight, she doesn't seem to notice but she's got stronger too “You're getting good at this!” I say, dodging another side kick.

“Shiloh helped me…” she raises her shoulders gingerly “he's nice” she adds and I turn into Shiloh's direction.

He's helping Daisy with her punches. They look focused, their hits precise and calculated, but as Daisy misses a kick and falls on her back they both laugh and I turn back to Cassidy, who's gaze is uncertain between me and him.

She's a bit unusual for me, but she's nice, I like her.

After a bit of warm up Tobias and Tris call us back to the mats to show us the pairings, while walking I find myself squished between Cassidy and Shiloh, it's quite comical as one comes up to my chin and I barely come up to the other's shoulders.

I take a look at the whiteboard and my eyes widen as I read the pairings, Eric just looks at us amused, enjoying our bewilderment.

Cohen Rubenfeld x Daisy Castilla

Cassidy Deng x Sloane Benoit

Marian Eaton x Nicholas Jackson

Shiloh Phelps x Aaron Callahan

I frown, Nicholas is the guy who made fun of Cassidy and Shiloh before at breakfast, he's not huge by any means, in fact he's rather short for a man, not the weakest of our group but I could've had it worse.

My heart skips a beat when I turn to look at Daisy, she's paler than I've ever seen her before, she looks terrified.

I make my way to her, passing a snickering Cohen whom I shot an annoyed look at.

“You scared stiff?” he asks, placing a hand on Nicholas's shoulder “C'mon we all know you Abnegation women like to be submissive, it'll be just like back home” he continues and I ignore him.

“You’re gonna let him speak to you like this?” Fynn comes up from behind the group, looking rather annoyed while I brush my hands against Daisy's cheeks “It doesn't matter,” I sigh and he cocks his brows "You sure? I could scramble his brains up a bit, make him a bit more polite”.

I shake my head, turning back to look at Daisy, "Really, I don't care but thanks" I smile, hoping she won't see the worry in my eyes “You'll be fine, you're a good fighter”.

She looks at me like I'm stupid, I feel for her, “Yeah, I am” she starts, shaking her arms around “Against someone like Cassidy or Sloane, not against him!” I nod apprehensively.

I feel helpless, and as I watch my friends get ready for the fight I do the only thing that comes to my mind, I hug Daisy, “What now, I ain't gonna die y’know” she shrugs, recognizing that this kind of thing is unusual from someone raised in abnegation, but still reciprocates the hug and when we make our way to the mats I grab her hand and squeeze it lightly.

“Mess him up” I whisper, smiling and she chuckles “yeah for sure”.

While we finish stretching Eric, Tris and the Dauntless Born's trainers call the first pairs up for the fights and I watch my friend step on the mat as a few feet away Chase is squaring up against a large blonde boy whom I don't recognize.

I keep my eyes on Daisy and Eric whistles to start the fight. She moves fast, dodging Cohen's first punches and landing one in his abdomen.

I watch, almost entranced as they hit each other and I remember to breathe only when Shiloh walks up to me, lowering himself to my height, he's taller than I remember “He's toying with her” he says, drily, and I frown.

“Dee is a good fighter” I retort, not liking what he's trying to imply. Sure, Cohen is good but he's not some sort of boxing God.

Shiloh doesn't say anything, he just points a finger towards Eric, then to Cohen and once again I frown.

I don't get it but whatever, I say to myself before turning my gaze back to Daisy just in time to see Cohen's fist crush against her temple sending her tumbling on the floor.

All eyes are on them now as Cohen straddles Daisy, punching her repeatedly in the process and only reacting when her fists hits his mouth, breaking his lips and making him bleed.

They go on like this for what feels like an eternity, I get goosebumps all over my body and for a moment, I feel nauseous.

Cassidy has now made her way next to me, her shoulder brushes against mine and she puts her hands on her agape mouth while watching the scene horrified, from the corner of my eye, I'm sure I see her shed a few tears.

I shake my head, “That's too much,” I whisper to Shiloh, who's standing next to me speechless.

Eric and Tris are silent, watching the fight, their eyes are fixated on the figures on the mat.

I make my way towards them, frowning at their indifference.

Dee is on the floor, whining and trying to cover her face while Cohen is punching her repeatedly. She tries scratching him but remains trapped under his much bigger body.

I feel the blood boiling in my veins, it's not fair “That's enough” Shiloh says, loudly, now my gaze now fixated on Eric who barely scoffs in annoyance, gesturing to us to be quiet.

“Shut up, you just don't want your little friend to lose” I barely hear Sloane scoff, Cassidy says something in response but I'm not paying attention, my nails are digging in my palms as I try and reason with Tris who pretty much dismisses me “it's the rules, take it up with him,” she say, avoiding my gaze while pointing to Eric.

Before I can turn to him to voice my concern, Shiloh suddenly makes his way to the fighting mat, Cassie holds his arm, trying to calm him down “Don't cause a scene, You'll just make it worse” she pleads then looks at me but I don't even try to stop him, he eyes me briefly and I nod, he'll make this right.

I know that it's wrong, that this sentiment is wrong, vengeance is something we are told to stay away from in abnegation, it's against our lord's wishes to be so resentful as to wish suffering upon someone, we should strive to forgive.

My teacher would be disappointed in me if they knew what I was thinking right now.

“You won,” Shiloh steps on the mat “You won and that's enough.” He half-shouts at Cohen, his voice now sounds like a bark and I can see every muscle in his body tense.

Cohen doesn’t budge “Don't worry faggot, you're next” he barks back then chuckles, his hands now on Dee's throat “Right after I want the Stiff bitch”.

I cringe, stepping back almost as if it could protect me from his anger.

Behind me I hear both Tris and Eric commanding Shiloh to step back and let them finish, I press my lips in a tight line, like hell he'll listen.

I turn myself to them, watching the fight with the corner of my eye, trying to get them to spare Daisy even more hits.

In a second he's on him, Shiloh throws himself on Cohen and slams him into the mat “Oh you think you're so strong beating up someone half your size, uh?” their faces are inches apart and Shiloh punches his side.

While I step away from our instructors, searching for my brother, from the corner of my eye I see Nicholas walking towards the mat and I grab his arm.

“It's between them” I say, in a fit of confidence I rarely had before, looking straight at him and he pushes me “You want some too Stiff” he shouts, I see Eric's looking at us, Tobias too, before Fynn puts a hand on his shoulder “The real question fuckface is, do you want some?” he asks and I turn back to my friend.

Cohen tries punching Shiloh in the face but he's quicker, hitting him on the throat, now they are both on the floor, their noses touching while Daisy is in a fetal position breathing heavily.

Just when I try to enter the mat to help her, a hand snakes around my arm “you stay here” he stops me in my tracks, hot breath making my ears red “Sir I have to help my friend, she could be seriously hurt” “Have I called off this match, Stiff?” “No, but-” “Then stand out, or you'll be the next one getting punished for misbehaving”

He gives my arm a last squeeze before pushing me back lightly and stepping slowly towards the mat.

Cohen is red in anger. For a second I see Marcus instead of him and I'm somewhere else.

Shiloh has to make this right. They fight on the floor rolling around, Shiloh takes a few hits but he still ends up on top of him.

“You're just a useless piece of shit, a pile of trash who takes his anger out on weaker people” Shiloh says, punching Cohens face, I move my gaze to Daisy and I fill with anger.

My brother stands not too far from us, arm crossed on his chest, looking at the fight. I wonder if we're thinking about the same thing.

I don't have time to wonder about my brother because Eric finally steps on the mat, he doesn't touch them, he doesn't need to.

“Initiate, stand up, now” he says, Shiloh obeys without hesitation, leaving Cohen's bruised face and body alone.

Blood is coming down his nose, maybe it's broken, but he still looks up to meet Eric's gaze.

It's nothing I've ever seen before, Eric looks surprised, maybe a little annoyed and I'm almost disappointed at the absence of anger in his eyes. He glances at me for a second and I try to keep my expression neutral.

Eric sighs “You,” he says pointing to Fynn, then to Cassidy “take the Amity girl to the infirmary” he then looks back at Cohen “I'll have a talk with you in my office later, now go clean yourself.”

Cohen tentatively gets up, he snarls at Shiloh like a rabid dog, he looks like one too, I think to myself.

Eric grabs him by his collar, making him stumble hard “behave yourself, this is no school playground initiate” he's silent, mouth shape while blood drips down “And don't think for a second that I'm done with you,”.

Cohen nods, and when Eric finally lets him go, he stumbles out of the gym, glaring at his opponent.

Shiloh doesn't react, he doesn't even acknowledge him. “Blue, you come with me”. He nods, the muscles in his body are still tense, he doesn’t look scared, I think, he seems almost peaceful, pensive at most.

I try following them "Stiff, you stay here" Eric puts his hand on my shoulder and I shake my head "I told him to intervene, it's my fault" I lie and he laughs.

It's a dry laugh, he's mocking me "Yeah sure Stiff," he pushes me back lightly once again "Your match is near, go back to the punching bags" he says, turning his back on me "I'll yell at you later if you're so eager to take blame" he adds while walking out, confident as always, Shiloh following him in silence, wiping his bloodied hands on his cargos.

I sigh, walking back to the mat keeping my eyes on the floor.

I can't lose this fight but it's not right for Shiloh to take the blame for doing the right thing, I would've done the same thing, I think to myself before turning on my heels and running out the door.

Tris’s high voice echoes behind me but I keep going, I'm a careless idiot, but not a selfish one and as far as I know Eric might just straight up throw him down the Chasm for misbehaving like this so I cannot let this happen.

I can barely tell where I'm going, almost losing myself while running. I've never been in these halls but the sound of running water tells me I'm near the Chasm, dim lights guiding my way through the tunnels.

I'm almost out of breath when I reach the railing that separates me from a fall of more than a hundred feet.

My hands clasp at the cold metal and I look around, all my weight is leaning on the railing. a heavy feeling setting in my chest.
It can't be, Shiloh and Eric stand right in the middle of the bridge talking, they seem calm, but from a distance I can't hear what they're saying.

I run up to them, almost tripping on the few steps leading to the chasm, now I'm not even sure about what I want to say to him.

When Eric spots me he raises his brows, incredulous “Are you deaf stiff?” He asks and I shake my head while trying to catch my breath.

“I,” I start shifting my weight between my fingers “Then why are you here? I thought you stiffs were good at following orders” “He shouldn't be punished” I say, taking a step forward, looking him in the eyes while Shiloh behind him stays quiet “Cohen was playing dirty, he knew Daisy couldn't fight him off and that you wouldn't do anything about it” I continue, stepping towards him.

“he attacked a fellow initiate, sent him to the infirmary with a few teeth missing and maybe a dislocated jaw” his eyes are burning holes in mine, his face inches closer “You weren't stopping the match, Daisy had to be dragged out!” I don't get how he can be so emotionless, I don't back out “This is how we train in Dauntless, you either abide or get out” I bite my tongue, this is a faction not a war zone.

“Now get back to the training room or else I'll make you hang down the Chasm too” “You're making him hang?” my voice is almost a scream, it reaches the bottom of the chasm, I wonder if there's someone down where I was with my brother, maybe they're hearing us.

He nods solemnly and my eyes widen as I shift my gaze to Shiloh who shakes his head.

“It's fine, go back” he says “But It's not fine, Cohen knew you would lose your temper,” I reply, Eric scoffs, he's getting impatient “he spent the last few weeks just provoking you”.

“Stiff, you either go back or hang from this damn bridge, I'm not in the mood for sentimentalism and friendship” “he's injured” I say, looking Shiloh up and down, Eric doesn't reply, simply taking a look at the watch on his wrist.

Shiloh's nose is crooked weirdly and bleeding, he's limping and his knuckles are covered in blood “I'll do it” “No-” Shiloh intervenes but Eric is quicker “How awfully sweet of you Stiff” he mocks me with a smile”, clasping in hands together.

“Since she's such a good friend, Blue boy, you get back to the gym” he rolls his eyes, and I almost regret my decision “tell the number I'll be keeping the Stiff for a while, then head to the infirmary” Shiloh nods.

“If I catch you hitting another initiate again, I'll rip your arms out myself, beat you with them and throw you in factionless” he adds.

Shiloh puts a hand on my shoulder when he passes me by, I feel heavy all of a sudden “I won't forget it” he murmurs and I smile “Just go check on Daisy for me, please” I say, putting my hand on his and Eric rolls his eyes, smile suddenly faded from his lips.

I ignore him, instead I keep my eyes on Shiloh's figure as he slowly disappears in the dark alleys.

“Stiff, you may actually be the most demented of your faction” he chuckles “I'm not a-” “yeah I know, I just like pushing your buttons”

Once we are alone I realize what I just offered to do, Eric stares down at me for a moment “Get off the railing” he says, sternly “How?” I ask, looking down at the void under us.

“Step off the railing and hang from the bar right under it” I swallow, before obeying. My legs fling off the bars easily, my hands shakily hold onto the metal and I focus on Eric's face trying not to think about what I have to do next.

He has so many face piercings it's almost impressive, I think before he steps towards me, now we stand nose to nose “If you don't jump stiff, I'm gonna have to throw you” He says, in a sing-songy voice.

I hardly hear him, the noise of running water fills my ears, my gaze fixates on the two piercings on his lower lip, I wonder if they hurt…

I hesitate to step off the bridge into the bar underneath and he notices “Now you're scared?” I don't reply “C'mon I've seen you looking at those two fighting, you're not half as innocent as you make yourself look” “I don't make myself anything-” I say before my feet slips on something wet and my legs swing in the void.

A shriek dies in my chest as one of my hands catches on the bar haphazardly, my eyes are wide, and a choked sound leaves my lips, I'm going to die.

half of Eric's body is swung over the railing and my gaze catches his.

Glacy eyes are looking at me in bewilderment for a second, his mouth agape in horror, then his cold demeanor comes back.

My other hand catches on the bar and I tentatively steady myself.

“Now, be a good girl and stay like that until time's up” I don't say anything, i don't think i could even if I wanted to, my hands feel like ice and every muscle in my body is tense and burning.

My legs swing in the void, my shoulders hurt but I force myself to look up.

I know what's under me, I've seen it everyday since I joined this faction, I know how many lives it has taken, how many people throw themselves in every year.

I won't be one of them.

My eyes are burning holes in the skylight ceiling of the Chasm, they're watering, obfuscating my vision but my grip remains strong.

The sound of water crushing violently against rocks fills my head as I try to distract myself from the situation.

Eric above me shifts his position, leaning against the railing, towards me, hands together and keeping his eyes on me.

He doesn’t say anything, looking down at his watch now and then.

I once visited Amity with my brother when I was a child.

We were supposed to help harvest crops but my brother insisted upon going into the woods that circle the faction, I didn't want to but he still took me with him, he never trusted anyone enough to leave me alone with them.

We climbed on a tree together, he was stronger and faster, reaching branches far higher than me. I struggled to keep up with him but he didn't say a thing, not until he reached almost the top of the tree.

I remember asking him to get down “Tobias please I want to get back to dad”.
He didn't answer, I climbed a bit higher and he still ignored me. “Go away” he told me “I'll stay here, you go back”.

I whined, still climbing, asking him to please get down.

I didn't notice how frail the branches I was hanging on were until I heard a snap.

Something broke under me, my hands caught on the wood, legs swinging.

A scream, a shout, then another snap and I was in the air.

Now, my brother isn't here but I'm still hanging, my grip starts to loosen as I feel tears wet my cheeks, it's been too long, I'm going to fall.

Eric doesn't flinch, he doesn’t even seem worried that I'm struggling, I want to scream at him, beg to be helped into the bridge, rest and be held but I bite my tongue. I asked for this and I'll hang until my fingers fall.

I don't know how much time has passed but my shoulders feel numb and my view is cloudy, my hands feel incredibly hot and everything is silent, my hold loosens dangerously and one of my hands slips from the bar.

I scream, or maybe something from the bottom of the Chasm shrieks in pain, the sound echoes in my head and suddenly I'm not holding onto the bar anymore.

I close my eyes, it's okay, I tell myself, it's gonna be fine.

For a second I feel nothing, then something wraps around my wrists and my body slams violently against the bottom of the bridge.

Someone above me hisses, then curses, and suddenly I'm pulled upwards toward the railing and over it.

My body falls limp on the cold metal and I cough violently, my face is burning but every inch of my body is shivering, Eric's hands rest on my back, almost as if he was hugging me, they're shaky, unsure.

I'm crying, sobbing and I can't feel my hands. I don't turn to look at him, instead, my eyes fixate on the metal grates under me, I can feel the cold through my clothes but I can't stand up, my legs spasm as sobs break my body.

After what feels like a year I finally turn around to meet Eric gaze, I push away from his hold, and he snaps back to reality, almost as if my touch was an electric current.

Suddenly, we're interrupted by a familiar voice “what te fuck you think you're doing,” my brother comes out of nowhere, steady steps towards us, Eric's body tenses but a grin extends from his lips.

Now he's standing, looking down at me with a weird look on his face, arms tense and breathing heavy “eight minutes” he says looking at Tobias, there's no strain in his voice now, no worry.

My brother, knuckles are white, he stops just an inch from his face.

“What?” my voice comes out choked “Eight minutes and ten seconds” he continues, looking Four in the eyes “more than your last stiff, number boy” I stare at him blankly, he smiles “you're upgrading”.

Four's fist crushes on his jaw, moving him by maybe an inch, Eric doesn't react, he passed his finger on his bruised face, cleans a bit of blood from his face, then looks at my laying figure.

“You did better than I anticipated, stiff” . Tears roll down my cheeks again “I was gonna fall” “I had everything under control” “I was gonna fall” His voice sounds distant, suddenly I feel the urge to run, to escape him, scared he might make me hang again.

He sighs, extending his inked arms towards me and hoisting me up to my feet with ease.

Tobias steps forward again, now standing right between us “what did he do to you exactly,” he asks, his back on Eric, hands find my arms “why did you have to put yourself in this” his tone's accusatory.

I cringe back at his move, hitting the railing with my back as I try and make a distance between us, Eric steps towards me, glaring at my brother “Stiff, you're excused for the day, go get something to eat, I'll talk to you after I've dealt with this idiot”.

I don't respond, not even to say goodbye to my brother, I just bolt down the bridge towards the dorm, my body feels light, too light, my brain's empty.

It doesn't make any sense, what was the meaning of all that?

Why did my brother intervene?

Why was he testing my limits?

Maybe Tobias is right, maybe Eric is just a sociopath.

My head spins and as I reach my bunk I have a sudden urge to throw up, I barely reach the toilets, passing by a few of my fellow initiates, nobody says a thing.

They saw me run out the gym and now I'm running through the dorm, they must think I'm the weirdest initiate ever, or maybe they just believe every abnegant is like this.

It wouldn't surprise me, as I push my way in a stall and hear someone's voice from the bathroom hall, I don't turn, and my body spasms.