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It doesn’t start like she expected it to. It starts when Lexa walks out on her, when she dissolves in tears on her floor, feeling like her world has shattered. It’s not just the loss of Lexa, although she feels that loss keenly. It’s the loss of the future they’d talked about, the loss of the child she’s been thinking about, dreaming about, and imagining for the past three months, the past year.
Every step of the way, when they’ve been sitting through counseling, when they’ve been in late night classes working to complete their foster-to-adopt requirements, studying to get their license – she’s been imagining the warmth of a baby in her arms, the cries that would wake her in the night, the stories she’s going to tell.
And now – now it feels like everything is lost, scattered to the wind, and it’s not that all of her hopes and dreams are gone, because she’s more than this; she’s an artist and a friend, and a teacher, all of those things first, but she wanted so much to be a parent, wanted so much to nurture and love and inspire (and probably frustrate, irritate, and annoy) a child. She wants that so much, and Lexa’s absence amplifies this loss, makes it resonate throughout her whole body.
--
It takes her time, and more conversations with Raven than she can count before she decides: she’s going to do it anyway.
She wants to be a parent, and that’s what started this grueling process in the first place. It wasn’t that she was with a woman at the time, and it wasn’t that she had any fertility issues; she wanted to be a parent, but she didn’t feel like she needed to physically give birth to a child when there were so many who needed a place to land.
She started looking into foster-to-adopt even before she met Lexa, but when they started seeing each other seriously and she broached the subject with Lexa, she seemed on board, and Clarke was relieved. It’s not that she couldn’t do it on her own, but having a co-parent reassured her (and, she knew it would look better on the forms).
And it was never that Lexa wasn’t on board; she attended the trainings with Clarke, filled out endless paperwork, never expressing any discontent or dissatisfaction. It’s just that, looking back on it all, Clarke doesn’t remember her expressing much enthusiasm, either, and it makes her feel hot and cold with anger all over again.
Still, she knows: this is what she wants. She’s fortunate enough to be well-off and able to support herself and a child independently, and this isn’t something she’s taken on lightly (she doesn’t think anyone takes foster-to-adopt lightly, not after they’ve started filling out forms, sitting through the training. It’s honestly agonizing, even though she knows it’s valuable).
When she goes back to meet with her caseworker, she has to take several deep breaths before walking into the office. She hasn’t missed a single appointment or class, in spite of everything that’s been going on, in spite of her shattered confidence, but it’s the first time she’s had to talk to her caseworker about the change in her status, and she – she doesn’t feel great about it.
Still, she likes her caseworker, respects him immensely. The first time she tried to call him ‘Mr. Miller’, she could physically see him cringe before correcting her and asking her to just call him Miller. He’s not the most outgoing person she’s ever met, and it sometimes surprises her that he’s chosen to be a caseworker given his reserved personality, but she feels like he’s kind, for all that he’s aloof. (She suspects he holds himself back because, when it comes right down to it, his job has got to be unbelievably hard, and she can’t understand that personally, but she sympathizes all the same).
She waits in the lobby at CPS before he calls her in, and she tries not to fidget too much. She’s a grown woman, she can handle this. And if she can’t, she probably shouldn’t be trying to become a single parent.
“Hey, Clarke,” she hears, and when she looks up, she sees Miller beckoning her forward. She smiles at him, and seats herself across from him at his desk.
“How have you been?” he asks, shuffling through some paperwork on his desk. She sees him open her file, glance over it quickly, before meeting her eyes again.
She cracks a smile. “Honestly? I’ve been better. My partner and I just broke up, so I came to ask to re-file my paperwork to reflect my change in status.”
He frowns briefly, before composing his face again. “I’m sorry to hear that. I have to say, it’s going to be harder to convince CPS that you’re fit as a single parent. We really like to see our foster-to-adopt placements with two parents. Not that you’re not fit,” he adds, giving her a lopsided smile. “It’s just that, as you know, we consider what’s best for the child, and since many of them come from single-parent homes, we really prefer to place them in two-parent homes. And it makes it much easier on you, to have a partner to share it with.”
Clarke nods. “I completely understand all of that. However, as you and I have talked about, I’m lucky enough to be able to support myself and a child independently, and I am able to complete a large volume of my work from home. I will also be able to take maternity leave for the first three months, so I was hoping that those factors might be taken into consideration.” Her voice is firm, in spite of the fact that she can feel herself wilting inside. She knew that this was going to complicate matters, but (and it’s now clearer to her how important this is), she wants this.
Miller looks at her and smiles. “Okay. I just want to make sure you know that this may be an added challenge. Let’s get started amending this paperwork and get you on your way.”
Clarke tries not to let her relief show on her face, but she can see that Miller recognizes it in the way he ducks his head to hide his grin, and it makes her feel just the slightest bit better.
--
Once she finishes all the mandated coursework, she still has to wait for her license to be approved, and it’s a six week wait that has her pacing back and forth in Raven and Wells’ apartment, and she wants to think that she’s a mature adult, but honestly, the number of times she wails something about just wanting to know one way or another probably indicates that she’s not doing a very good job of handling everything.
(It’s just that, deep down, she’s afraid they’re going to take a look at everything and think that she won’t be a good parent. People get to have children every day and no one approves it, but this requires such a high level of scrutiny, and she just – she just wants to be holding a baby, to know that it’s with her for as long as possible, and there’s an uncertainty there that makes her want to puke, but she knew she signed up for that.)
Raven’s still at work on this particular day, so Wells is in the kitchen brewing her a cup of tea, quietly listening as she rants (again, bless her friends. They’ve all heard this diatribe at least five times) about the possibility of not being suitable.
When Wells thrusts the mug into her hands and forces her to sit on the couch, she buries her head against his shoulder. “I just – I know you’ve already heard this, but what do I do if I’m turned down?”
He takes ahold of her hand and squeezes it. “Clarke, you’re still so young. You’ve got at least fifteen years left to figure this out if it doesn’t work out right now. And there are a lot of options. I know you want this, and I know that you would do an excellent job, but just keep reminding yourself that this isn’t the be-all and end-all of having a child. There are still so many other options.”
She blinks up at him. “I know you’re right. And I know there’s nothing I can do at this point. I just want to know. I want to know that someone thinks I’m fit to be a parent, and that they’re willing to give me a child to take care of.” She sighs, waits. “I think – I know our parents weren’t the worst, but they were far from the best, and I think some of this is that I’m genuinely afraid that I won’t be a good parent. That there’s something heritable there.”
Wells squeezes her hand again. “The fact that you’re thinking that is already a good starting point. And I know it’s hard, but you’ve got to take things one step at a time. Let’s see if you get approved first.”
She nods again, leans on him again. By the time she’s finished her tea, she’s all but asleep on his shoulder, and when Raven walks in the door, she and Wells share a look that Clarke doesn’t see.
“How’s she doing?” Raven whispers, moving across the living room to peck Wells on the lips.
“Stressing herself out to the point of exhaustion,” he responds wryly, equally quietly. It’s nothing that Clarke doesn’t know, but they know she needs some rest, don’t want to wake her. “Mostly the same, worrying about being a good parent, worrying about what happens if this doesn’t come through. I think she’s as worried about her feasibility as a parent as she is about the fact that she hasn’t found a partner to have children with, but it’s all coming out this way.”
Raven nods. “Sounds about right. Did she say when she thought she’d hear?”
Wells shakes his head. “Hopefully in the next two weeks or so.” He reaches out, kisses Raven’s knuckles. “Go get cleaned up, and I’ll get dinner moving.”
She smiles at him gratefully, and Clarke opens her eyes just in time to see their obvious affection for each other, and their happiness warms her, even as it makes her feel lonely.
--
It’s almost three weeks before she hears from CPS, and she almost drops her phone when she sees Miller’s name flash across it.
“Hello?” she says breathlessly. She’s at home working on a freelance project, but this is the call she’s been waiting for, and she’s struggling to keep her calm.
“Hello, Clarke?” Miller asks. She hums into the phone. “Well, I’ve got good news, and I’ve got better news. First of all, congratulations; we think that you’re going to make an excellent foster parent. And second – we’ve got a placement for you.”
It’s almost a miracle that Clarke doesn’t drop the phone in her excitement, and it’s equally lucky that she doesn’t scream down the phone in excitement. “Wait, really?” she asks.
“Really,” Miller confirms. “We’ve got a baby girl here who’s ready for you to come get her. Can you come down this afternoon to fill out paperwork?”
“Yes!” Clarke exclaims. “Let me just finish one thing up here and I’ll be on my way.”
Miller chuckles. “We’ll see you soon. And Clarke? Congratulations.”
--
She’s on the phone with Raven when she gets to CPS, and she has to take a second to compose herself when she hangs up. She told Raven to pass the news on to Wells, and they’re both going to meet her at home when she picks up the baby. She takes a deep breath, checks that the carseat is in the back again, and then steps out into the new world she’s facing.
When she gets to CPS, it’s – honestly not the scene she was imagining. She knows that CPS is too professional, too care with the identities of families and children for the family to actually be in the room, but Clarke somehow imagined a heartrending scene of the baby being separated from its biological family, and when CPS is as quiet and calm as it ever is, she’s still surprised.
As soon as she’s checked in, she’s fidgeting, waiting for Miller to come out and get her, and when he does, she’s out of her seat in a heartbeat, and he’s got a finger held to his lips and – a baby, quietly tucked into blankets and sleeping in his arms.
(And Clarke is pretty sure Miller is gay, just based on some comments he’s made in the past, but goddamn, Clarke is feeling very rocky at this moment and Miller holding a baby is not a thing she ever thought she’d be about, but here they are).
When Miller gestures her forward, she extends her arms almost without thinking, and then – she’s got the baby, and she’s got lovely dark skin and tightly curled hair, and Clarke’s never seen anything more incredible. She adjusts her hold gently, worried about waking the baby, but she just sighs and turns over a little, and Clarke can feel tears prickling at the back of her eyes, and when she looks at Miller, he’s smiling fondly at her.
“Come on back,” he whispers. “Let’s get your paperwork completed and then get you on home.”
Clarke is loathe to put the baby down, but when she sees the small stack of paperwork on Miller’s desk and the folding crib next to it, she gently settles the baby down and tucks the blankets around her.
She and Miller hold a hushed conversation about the baby’s family, and Clarke can feel a tight knot of rage coiling under her sternum. Miller tells her that the baby’s been neglected, that, though she had multiple family members in the house, no one seemed to be caring for her, that she has some of the worst diaper rash Miller has ever seen, and that she desperately needs to gain weight. Clarke thinks about how light she felt, and she’s suddenly panicked by her initial thought that babies were, indeed, just that light.
She’s six months old, Clarke learns, and no one knows if she’s weaned or not (the mother, apparently is in and out of jail for drug possession, and Clarke knows she signed up for this, but god it’s already so fucked up), but either way, she’ll need to start her on formula. It’s a little early to start on solid food, Miller says, but he reminds her that she can check in with him anytime about how to handle the transition. Clarke says she’s already signed up for WIC, to make sure that wherever the baby goes, she has access to food, and Miller nods his approval.
They sign forms after that, and Miller walks Clarke and the baby (Madeleine - Maddie, he’d told her) to the car. He watches carefully as Clarke buckles Maddie in, then hands her the hefty binder of her legal documents, and shakes her hand with a grin on his face. “Congratulations again,” he says, and she gives him a wobbly smile in return.
When she gets into the car, she has to wipe tears from her face, and she’s never been so elated and so terrified in her entire life.
--
Clarke has stockpiled innumerable baby supplies in her house in the last couple of years, gathering it from friends who had children very young, and shopping sales carefully (baby stuff, as it turns out, is exorbitant, and she can’t believe how fast they tend to grow out of things, based on the reports from her friends). She’s had the crib set up in her room for a couple of weeks now, impatiently waiting for the news to come that she’d been selected and had a child waiting for her.
Now, though, as she carefully navigates the carseat into the house, she still feels unprepared. Maddie slept the whole ride home, and she’s grateful for that, because she has never known how anyone drives while trying to soothe a baby, but Maddie is looking more and more alert now, and Clarke isn’t sure what she’s going to need first.
She knows Maddie isn’t crawling yet, so once she’s unbuckled, she gets her set up with some toys on a soft blanket on the floor, and sits down next to her, talking softly to her.
She’s halfway through telling Maddie about her new home when she starts crying, and Clarke jumps into action. She checks her diaper first, and yeah, that is just about the worst case of diaper rash Clarke can imagine, so she sets about soothing that, although Maddie hadn’t soiled her diaper yet. When she’s done with that, Maddie is still wailing, so Clarke straps the baby to her chest and bounces her gently as she gets a bottle ready.
Clarke assumes that she must be hungry, given that she’s malnourished, but Maddie pushes the bottle away and continues to cry, and Clarke keeps bouncing her gently, trying everything to soothe her, but she’s done all the obvious things, and she’s not sure what else to do. She’s sure Maddie is stressed out, having been taken away from her family and put in a new situation, but there’s nothing she can do about that except try and soothe her.
Maddie, however, is having none of it, and as her cries start to escalate, Clarke feels tears building at the back of her eyes already, and she knows it’s not her fault, but she can’t help the nagging suspicion that she’s not good enough for this.
When she hears the knock on the door, she honestly can’t believe that she’s going to answer the door with a howling infant strapped to her chest, but she doesn’t have an alternative in mind, so that’s exactly what she does.
When she looks outside, there’s a shaggy-haired man looking at her pointedly, and just looking at him gets her hackles up.
“You know I can hear your baby through the walls, right?” he asks.
Clarke keeps bouncing and glares at him. “I’m sorry, is there some sort of covenant that prohibits babies from crying around here?”
The man rolls his eyes. “Obviously not, but seriously, have you tried – “
“Don’t. Do not even finish that sentence,” Clarke snaps. “Yes, I have tried changing her, and feeding her, and putting her down, and picking her up. I’m doing my best.”
The man shakes his head, and she can see the tension leave his shoulders when he sighs. “Of course you are. Here, can I help?”
Clarke eyes him for a minute. “I don’t even know your name. Do you really think I should be letting a stranger into my house when I have a screaming child to deal with?”
He huffs a laugh and runs his hand through his hair. The tiny part of Clarke’s brain that isn’t focused on soothing Maddie notices that, yeah, he might be an asshole, but he’s a hot asshole, and he did technically offer to help, even if it was in a rude and roundabout sort of way.
He sticks out his hand. “Bellamy,” he says. “I’m on the east side of you.”
Clarke reaches out and grasps his hand, keeping her other hand on Maddie in her baby carrier. “Clarke. And this is Maddie.”
“Hi, Clarke. It’s nice to meet you. Would you like some help?”
Clarke looks at him again and considers. Honestly, she does, and she’s not sure why, but – “Yes. Come on in,” she says, opening the door wider.
When Clarke lets him in, she notices that, while Maddie is still crying, she’s quieter, and she doesn’t know whether to attribute this to her own distraction, or the conversation being had around her, but it’s already a noticeable difference.
Bellamy reaches out, says, “Here, let me have her.”
Clarke puts a protective hand on Maddie’s back, and glares at him. “What exactly are you going to do that I can’t do?” she asks.
Bellamy sighs again. “Ornery, aren’t you? Listen, if you already fed her, she might not like being in that position. Let me just try.”
Clarke sighs, and unfastens the carrier at her shoulders. As light as Maddie is, it’s still a relief not to be carrying her weight, and she cradles her to her chest before handing her off to Bellamy.
With a remarkable amount of efficiency, Bellamy locates a burp cloth and settles Maddie against his chest, swaying and patting her back. The effect isn’t instantaneous, but Maddie quiets quickly, and Clarke can’t help but feel – well, she’s not sure, but it’s some combination of chagrined and angry, first that she didn’t think of that, and second that this person who isn’t even Maddie’s person can soothe her so quickly.
As Maddie quiets, Bellamy offers her back to Clarke, and Clarke takes her and puts her on her shoulder just as Bellamy did; as soon as Bellamy’s hands are off her back, however, Maddie starts whimpering again, and Bellamy doesn’t immediately reach out to take Maddie back, but Clarke is quickly handing her back, and the tears that she felt earlier are starting to build again.
“So, are you babysitting? Because I have you say, I would not pay you for this,” Bellamy offers, and she knows he’s teasing, but that’s all it takes to get her to tear up, and the alarm is written all over his face. He keeps one hand on Maddie and reaches out to her, gripping her shoulder. “Hey, no, no, I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sorry.”
She wipes at her eyes. “No, it’s fine. I’m not babysitting – I’m her foster mom, and this is our first night together. I just – I didn’t expect it to be easy, but I was hoping that I could at least be the one to comfort her, rather than a total stranger.”
Bellamy’s face goes blank for a minute before he says, “Well, to be honest with you, you’re a total stranger to her too, if this is her first night with you.”
Clarke lets out a watery laugh. “Yeah, you’re right about that. I wasn’t expecting her to instantly bond with me in reality, but I guess a part of me would just have that thing that screams ‘safe person’ or ‘mom’ and she’d be okay with me. But yeah, that doesn’t make sense.”
Bellamy nods and squeezes her shoulder before letting go. “I really am sorry. I wouldn’t have been such a dick if I’d known.”
Clarke laughs again. “How would you have known not to be a dick? I could have just given birth and you’d still have done it.”
He flushes and ducks his head, petting down Maddie’s spine lightly. She’s quiet now, snuggled in the crook of Bellamy’s neck, and Clarke has no idea how she’s going to get her to go to sleep again once Bellamy’s gone, and fortunately she can go on maternity leave on a week’s notice, but she is going to have to be awake to do some work tomorrow.
“Well any time you need help, let me know. I’m happy to help,” he offers.
“You’re clearly a natural,” Clarke says wryly.
He stiffens again, and she can see the way he forces himself to relax. “I basically raised my younger sister,” he says. “We barely avoided the foster system, but I was just old enough when our mom died to keep her out of it. And to keep us both out of it in the years before.”
“Oh,” Clarke whispers. “That’s – that’s a lot.”
There’s a twist to Bellamy’s mouth that’s almost a smile, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. “Yeah. So – not to go back to being a dick or anything, but – you’re going to be good to her, right?”
Clarke wants to be angry at him, wants to feel a flash of indignation at his suggestion, but she knows. “I’m going to try. I’m doing foster to adopt, and she’s a good candidate, so, yeah. I’m not here for the money, or anything. I really wanted a kid, and this seemed like – it seemed like I could be helpful this way.”
He nods. They lapse into silence after that, but before he goes, Bellamy shows her how he used to get his sister (Octavia, he tells her) to go to sleep; he cradles Maddie’s face in his large hand, and quietly shushes her to sleep.
On his way out, Clarke hesitates for just a minute, but she’s always been prone to physical affection, and she’s feeling a lot, so she hugs him before he goes, and he doesn’t instantly hug her back, but his arms go around her briefly before she steps back.
She’s blushing, but she still manages, “Thank you. Sorry, I think my emotions are running a little high, but seriously, thank you so much.”
He smiles at her, a genuine smile this time, and says, “Really, it’s no trouble.” He takes out his phone and hands it to her. “Go ahead and put your number in, and I’ll text you. You can call anytime. I’m a teacher, but I’m usually home by 4:00 if you need help or need a break.”
She thanks him again, and closes the door behind him. When she finally gets into bed, she flops down and instantly falls asleep, her heart full of gratitude.
--
Maddie, it turns out, is a champion sleeper. Clarke still feels the knot of rage under her sternum when Bellamy tells her why that’s probably the case (“If she was neglected, Clarke, she probably learned to self-soothe and to deal with being ignored by sleeping”), but she can’t say it’s not incredibly convenient.
Unlike most new parents she’s talked to, Clarke is still averaging seven to eight hours of sleep a night, and she can’t imagine how other people deal with less. Maddie is still incredibly fussy during the day for the first two weeks or so, and it runs Clarke ragged trying to figure out how to help her.
It doesn’t help that any time Bellamy so much as touches Maddie, she’s cooing and cheerful. It chafes at her a little bit, but she can’t deny that he’s unbelievably helpful. He’s not around during the day, so most of the time that she’s home now, she’s with Maddie, and they’re starting to figure each other out, she thinks, but she can’t help but feel like Maddie really prefers Bellamy, and how is that even fair?
It’s one night when Raven’s over and she’s complaining about this while Maddie works on trying to crawl that Raven looks up from the baby to say, “You know, if her mom and her grandma weren’t reliable people, she might not trust women. I mean, I know she’s young and whatever, that’s a learned behavior that should take a long time to develop, but if they were the ones neglecting her, and she’s never had a bad interaction with a man, that might be why she likes Bellamy better.”
Clarke stares at her, and Raven shrugs. “It’s just a guess,” she says.
Clarke shakes her head. “It’s definitely possible. I’d just never thought of that before.” (And she really hasn’t, because honestly, she’s never even heard anything about Maddie’s dad. Obviously there is one, somewhere, but he’s never surfaced as far as Miller knows, and that’s a whole can of worms Clarke just can’t deal with opening, now or hopefully ever).
It’s after her conversation with Raven that she starts trying to distance Maddie from Bellamy, tries to get her to spend as much time with her female friends as possible. Still, when she meets Miller in the parking lot of a grocery store so she can go to a home visit, she finds herself wandering around her house aimlessly, before finally texting Bellamy.
I had no idea how used to the noise I was, but now my house is weirdly quiet. She sends it off, doesn’t think much of it until her phone starts ringing unexpectedly. It’s Bellamy, and she can’t quite imagine why he’s calling her in the middle of his day, but –
“Hello?” she says.
“Where’s Maddie?” he says, and the tone of his voice is verging on frantic.
“She has a home visit, why?”
“Jesus, Clarke, you scared me. I thought she’d had to go back, and you were being remarkably blasé about it, but still.” She can hear him breathe down the phone. “Are you doing okay?”
She laughs a little. “I – I guess so? I had to drop her off with Miller in the parking lot of a grocery store this morning, and that felt almost unbearably shitty. And I’m just sitting at home today. I could have gone to work, I guess, but – I just don’t know. I couldn’t. But it’s so quiet.”
He hums down the line, a reassuring noise, and she sighs quietly. “I’m sorry I worried you,” she says.
He laughs. “Honestly, I overreacted. I’m nothing to this kid, and I’m freaking out. It’s probably very weird.”
“Bellamy, she likes you best. That’s not nothing. You see her all the time, she likes you. It’s okay to worry about her. I appreciate that someone else worries about her,” she protests.
There’s silence. “I – well, I haven’t seen her a lot, though.” She thinks he sounds a little hurt, and this whole thing is so weird, meeting her neighbor because her kid couldn’t stop crying, and she had no idea he’d get attached, but here they are, she guesses.
“I – it’s not that I was jealous, exactly, but my friend Raven said that maybe she trusted you more because she hasn’t had any shitty experiences with men. So I wanted to try and separate her from you a little, see if I could get her to bond with more women. It sounds silly, I know, but – “
“You’re trying your best, Clarke. I’m not here to tell you how to parent. It’s probably weird that I’ve been involved as much as I have,” he says.
“I don’t care if it is,” she says firmly. “She likes you. You help me out. There’s nothing wrong with that. As long as you don’t steal her in the night, we’re good.”
He laughs, a real one this time. “I think I can probably manage that. And if you want her to meet more women, Octavia would love to meet her, I’m sure.”
Clarke brightens at that. “That would be terrific. She’s already met most of my friends, so some new people would be great.” She hears voices in the background, remembers he’s at work. “Shit, sorry, I didn’t think about the fact that you’d be teaching.”
“It’s fine,” he says. “I’m on my planning period; I just have kids in here working. I’ll drop by later and we can find a time to introduce Maddie to Octavia, okay?”
She smiles. “That sounds good. And Bellamy? Thanks, for everything.”
“Of course, Clarke,” and the warmth in his voice soothes her from the inside out.
--
It’s a good thing she had such a reassuring conversation with Bellamy, because picking Maddie up at the end of the day is anything but reassuring. She’s at the store early, tapping her thumbs on her steering wheel and checking her phone for messages from Miller. When it finally comes through, it’s not comforting.
Just picked Maddie up and on my way. I’ll still meet you at the store, but we’re going to have to go to the office.
Clarke stares at it in incredulity, feels bile rise up in her throat. She’s not sure what this means – does Maddie have to go back to her mom? Did something happen?
She’s nervous enough that she gets out of the car and paces around for a little while, before settling on the hood and trying to look inconspicuous. Even though she’s full of trepidation, she still breathes a sigh of relief when she sees Miller’s car. He waves hi to her before reaching into his car and unbuckles Maddie.
Clarke can immediately tell that Maddie is tired, but she can see the recognition on her face, and Maddie is reaching for her, and Clarke can feel the tears clogging her throat as she’s pulling Maddie from Miller’s arms and hugging her to her chest. It’s remarkable, for the first time, she can feel, really feel as Maddie settles her weight against Clarke’s chest, and it sends a feeling of love rushing through Clarke’s body, something she’s never really felt before.
She can feel Miller’s gaze on her, but her entire focus is on Maddie, petting down her spine and feeling her nuzzle her face into Clarke’s neck. This is the most obviously affectionate Maddie has been since she’s been with Clarke, and she can’t help but feel that this is a sign of how bad Maddie’s home situation is, that she’s more comfortable with her incompetent foster mom.
She looks up at Miller, asks “How did it go?”
Miller shakes his head. “We can talk about it at the office. You okay with her?”
Clarke tries not to bristle at the question. “Of course. Meet you there?”
He nods, and Clarke turns to get Maddie settled into her carseat, sees that she’s in different clothes than she was this morning when Clarke dropped her off, feels unease settle in her stomach.
--
When they get to CPS, Clarke puts Maddie in her carrier and walks with her into the office. She smiles and waves at the receptionist, who waves her back into Miller’s office. Clarke can feel the deep inhales and exhales as Maddie breathes, and she’s pretty sure Maddie’s asleep, even though it’s only four in the afternoon. She smoothes Maddie’s hair and places a hand to her back, feeling her breathe. It helps calm her, even if only momentarily.
When she gets into Miller’s office, he gestures her into a chair, and she looks at him apprehensively.
“We’ve found out a few more things about her family situation,” he starts. Clarke nods, encouraging him to go on. “Mom doesn’t know who the dad is, and no one seems to be coming forward to claim paternity. That’s good for you, obviously, but you should keep in mind that it could still happen.” He sighs. “Maddie has an aunt who might be an acceptable kin placement, but she’s very young, and she’s also single. Mom is pushing for her sister to take Maddie, but we need to vet her first. I can’t give you any immediate answers on that, but you’re going to continue to have primary custody of Maddie in the mean time.”
Clarke feels her heart lurch when she hears about the possibility of kin placement, but swallows her fear and nods. “Is there anything else?”
Miller nods. “Clarke, what I’m about to say is going to be pretty distressing, primarily to you. Mom has registered several complaints against you, and I have to pursue them. First, and I can establish this easily, she has accused you of neglect.” Clarke starts to interrupt, but he holds up a hand. “It’s clear to me that she’s gained weight in the time she’s been with you, and you’ve been weighing her every time you pick up your WIC materials, so I’m not worried about that. She seems in good health to me, although I will need to have a doctor check her out, because – “ he pauses, rubs a hand over his face, and dread races through Clarke’s body. “She’s accusing you of sexually assaulting Maddie.”
Clarke can literally feel the blood drain from her face, feels her breathing stop. She’s not even sure what to say, except – “She what?” she whispers.
Miller doesn’t repeat himself, just nods. “I’m sorry I have to ask this, but – have you or anyone else in your life touched Maddie in an inappropriate way?”
Clarke can’t help herself – a choked laugh just comes out. “Inappropriate way? She’s a baby. Of course I haven’t, nor has anyone else.”
Miller nods. “I have to have a record of you saying that, and I have to write it down, I’m sorry. And I’m sorry for the next thing, which is this: she needs to go see the child gynecologist down the hall. She’s in, so we can do it now, but we need to examine her.”
It takes all of Clarke’s willpower not to clutch Maddie to her. “Examine her how?”
“They’re going to run some tests, and just check her genitals for any sign of sexual activity. I can assure you that this doctor is extremely gentle, and she has my utmost trust. You cannot be in the room, although you can observe.”
Clarke feels, quite literally, stunned. She’s not sure how long she simply stares at Miller in shock and horror, but it feels like several years pass before she nods mutely, and stands when Miller gestures her to the door. Maddie is still sleeping against her chest, and she’s going to have to surrender her charge to a child gynecologist who has to prove that she hasn’t been sexually assaulted.
The thing is, she thinks, her foster training told her this was always a possibility; she just can’t quite believe that this is the reality that she’s living with.
When Miller gestures her into a room, she’s met by a kind-faced doctor who smiles at Clarke and asks for Maddie. Clarke gently presses her hand to Maddie’s cheek before handing her over. Miller escorts her out of the room and into an observation area, before telling her that he’ll be staying in the room, and will come get her when they’re done.
Clarke can see through the glass as the doctor does her exam, and while she has enough medical training to know that the doctor is being careful, gentle, and thorough, her focus is on Maddie, whose face is screwed up as she wails. It feels a little like Clarke’s heart is breaking, and she clutches at her phone, willing herself not to call Raven and start sobbing incoherently on the phone.
(What’s more surprising to her is that her first instinct isn’t to call Raven – it’s to call Bellamy).
She sees when the doctor finishes the exam, and she’s waiting at the door when Miller brings Maddie back into her. Maddie curls up in her arms almost immediately, and Clarke gently bounces her, whispering to her that she’s safe.
She wants to cry, too, but – this kid is depending on her, and she’s going to be strong for her.
Miller gestures down the hall for her, and leads her back to his office. When they’re both sitting again, Maddie quieting in Clarke’s arms, he says, “Good news. The doctor didn’t find any indication of sexual assault.”
Clarke nods, and Miller smiles at her. “Clarke, it’s good news for Maddie either way. It means she hasn’t been sexually assaulted by anyone in her biological family, either. It’s a good thing to know, even if the means aren’t pleasant.”
Clarke nods again. “What next?” she asks. She doesn’t want to be brusque with Miller – she knows, okay, she knows he’s just doing his job, but she wants to get Maddie home, wants to cry in private.
“I need to fill out some official paperwork, and I’ll want to swing by for a home visit in the next couple of days. The paperwork will open an investigation against you, although I’ll be able to document that we have demonstrated that there’s been no wrong-doing on your part. The next thing is up to you: you can choose to have the investigation closed, or you can keep it open, in case Maddie’s biological mother accuses you of anything else. Each has its pros and cons, but you can leave the investigation open if you don’t want multiple investigations showing up on your record.”
Clarke shakes her head. “I’d rather just get it closed and hope for the best, I think,” she says.
Miller nods. “I understand. I’ll get the paperwork moving, and I’ll have some documents for you to sign, and photocopies for you to keep when I see you next.” He smiles at her. “I know it’s been a tough day for you, Clarke. The first home visit is hard enough, but having accusations levied against you is very emotionally taxing. Make sure you’re taking care of yourself, too.”
Clarke manages a weak smile for him, and nods before heading out.
When she gets home, she gets Maddie bathed, fed, and changed before settling her into her crib for bedtime. It’s a little early, but she can feel the exhaustion in Maddie’s body from her day, and as she sings quietly to her, resting her palm on Maddie’s cheek, she can feel the exhaustion catching up with her, too.
Once Maddie’s asleep, she heads downstairs and wanders around her house aimlessly for a few minutes, before grabbing her phone and calling Raven. She’s still not sure Raven’s the first person she wants to talk to, but she trusts Raven. As soon as she hears Raven’s voice over the line, the story comes pouring out of her.
“Clarke, Clarke, hey – can we pause? I think this is an in-person conversation,” Raven says worriedly. “I’ll be there in five, okay?”
Clarke nods, before remembering that she’s on the phone. “Okay,” she says, choking back her tears.
Before long, Clarke is curled in Raven’s lap, tears and words pouring out of her as Raven pets her hair and murmurs along with Clarke’s story. When Clarke finally seems to have cried herself out, she’s also barely awake, and Raven gets her tucked in on her couch before texting Wells and lying down on the floor beside Clarke.
There’s a hard knot of rage and sadness in Raven’s chest, and as she watches Clarke sleep, her eyes puffy and red, she thinks that neither the kid nor Clarke deserved this.
--
When Clarke wakes up the next morning, she’s disoriented by the light flooding into the room, and she lurches up immediately, worried that she hasn’t heard Maddie. When she gets herself up off the couch, she dashes upstairs, only to find Raven getting Maddie dressed and, no surprise, talking to her about the planetary system. Clarke takes a second to breathe and slow her heart rate before saying good morning to Raven, and reaching for Maddie when she stretches out her arms.
“I was hoping you give you more time to sleep in,” Raven frowns, tugging at the back of Maddie’s shirt.
Clarke smiles at her. “I appreciate it. I just panicked when she didn’t wake me up,” she says.
Raven nods. “Well, I’m going to start on breakfast, if you want to come down.”
“I’ll be down in a minute, thanks,” Clarke says. She’s immensely grateful that Raven got Maddie up, that she got some more sleep, but she also likes being with Maddie when she wakes up, likes getting her started on her day. Still, it’s enough to get to hold her and dance around with her briefly before taking her down for breakfast.
She starts Maddie on her breakfast while she watches Raven putter around the kitchen. “You really don’t have to make breakfast, you know,” she tells Raven.
“Yeah, but when was the last time you had pancakes for breakfast?” Raven asks, whisking the ingredients together.
Clarke rolls her eyes. “I can make pancakes too, it’s not like it’s rocket science.”
“Yeah, but as it turns out, rocket scientists make the best, so be quiet and feed your kid,” Raven chastises.
Clarke grins and goes back to feeding Maddie, feeling warmed by the presence of her best friend.
--
The trouble is, after her gynecological exam, Maddie gets extremely fussy about being changed. It’s nothing Clarke can’t handle – even when she’s fussy, Maddie is still a remarkably easygoing kid, but when she goes from happily banging measuring spoons together to bawling in under two seconds, it’s noticeable. And it’s especially noticeable when Bellamy’s around, since Maddie almost never cries in his presence.
Clarke’s working around her tears just like she’s been doing, but when she turns around after finishing, Bellamy’s frowning at her, and just like that, her hackles are up.
“Has she just started crying when you change her?” he asks, watching Maddie scoot around.
“Yup,” Clarke says, stacking blocks for Maddie to knock over.
“Does she have diaper rash? You know there’s cream – “
“She doesn’t have diaper rash, Bellamy. I’m not incompetent,” she snaps.
It’s the first time she’s snapped at him in a really long time, and he’s clearly taken aback, but it isn’t long before he’s snapping right back. “I’m just trying to help, Clarke. That’s why you ask me to come over, right? To help out?”
“Jesus, Bellamy, when you say it like that, you make it sound like I’m helpless to take care of her on my own. As you’ll recall, CPS decided I was fit to foster. That’s why she’s in my care.”
“Says the woman who couldn’t quiet a crying baby,” he says, and it’s almost comical how angry she’s getting, and she knows, she knows she should keep her cool right now, but this? This is definitely not what she needs to be hearing right now.
“You said it yourself, she was in an unfamiliar place. And honestly? As much as your help has been great, if you’re going to second-guess my parenting, you’re welcome to leave. I’m doing fine on my own.”
Bellamy’s face tightens, and she can tell that he’s pissed, but he’s insulting her parenting again, and now Maddie’s whimpering, and she just can’t right now.
“Clarke – “ he starts, then shakes his head. “If you really want me to go, that’s fine.”
Clarke looks down rubs at her nails. “I think it’s best right now,” she says softly, and now she’s fighting back tears, and honest to god, this whole week can go fuck itself, she thinks miserably.
She keeps her head down, watches through her eyelashes as he rubs a hand down Maddie’s back and whispers goodbye to her. She doesn’t look up until she hears the door close behind him, and by then, Maddie’s whimpers are escalating, and Clarke’s picking her up and carrying her around, trying to soothe the both of them.
--
And okay, Clarke didn’t tell Bellamy about the sexual assault accusation, which was probably a mistake. She should have told him. Her reaction would have made a lot more sense with that information, but she’s finding it tough to be upfront about that with him. Even though she knows it’s not true, knows that CPS can attest to that, she feels dirty, feels like the accusation, however untrue, makes her disgusting, and she wants to shower from the inside out at the thought of it.
Telling him, someone who fought to keep his sister out of that exact sort of situation? It’s not high on her list of things she wants to do.
Still, after she waits a day or two to cool off (to let him cool off, too), she texts him and asks him to come over.
When she opens the door, he’s carrying a mug of her favorite tea, and she gives him a wobbly smile in return. Maddie’s taking a nap while they talk, and she feels awkward sitting on her couch with him, both of them facing stiffly forward and avoiding eye contact, but – it’s personal, and she’s so uncomfortable.
When she finishes the story, he reaches for her and pulls her into his side. “I’m sorry, Clarke. I didn’t realize what was going on. It wasn’t fair of me to pick at you.”
She gives a watery laugh. “You couldn’t have known, but thanks.”
They sit like that for a while before he says, “You’re a good parent. You’re good to her. I know that, okay?”
She nods, swallows thickly. He rubs up and down her arm, and doesn’t comment when her tears leak out onto the sleeve of his shirt.
--
Clarke isn't sure what to expect when she meets Octavia. She thinks it could go either way: Octavia will either hate Clarke on principle for taking a kid away from their family, or she's going to be enthusiastic about a baby, and hopefully Bellamy will have talked her around into the idea.
It's neither of those things, as it turns out. When she opens the door to Bellamy and his sister, she's first blown out of the water by how unfairly attractive they both are (different as they look, their underlying architecture is carved from the same cloth, she thinks, but she also guesses they had different dads), and secondly, how quickly Maddie takes to Octavia.
She's honestly beginning to think that it's something about her, but she also thinks back to the rocky first couple of weeks, both of them finding their ground, and all the work she's done subsequently to get Maddie interacting with women, and maybe it's her hard work, and not any failing on her part, and that makes her feel moderately better, even while the quiet voice nags at the back of her mind.
Octavia drags her into the kitchen while Bellamy lies on the floor with Maddie, and Clarke learns more about their home life than Bellamy's let on, and, "Honestly Clarke, if we could have gone to a situation like this, we might have been better off," she says quietly. "Bell took good care of me, but it was so much weight on him, and he was so young. If we'd had this opportunity, it would have been good for both of us." She gives Clarke a wry smile. "We turned out okay, but that was Bell's hard work and a lot of luck, believe me. I hope she stays with you." Her expression darkens momentarily, and Clarke wonders if she's thinking of her own mother, but it clears quickly, and they move on.
Octavia starts coming around more often, after that, including when Bellamy isn’t there, and she quickly becomes one of Maddie’s favorite people, always greeting her with a smile. She doesn’t have tons of advice for Clarke, because she was so much younger when Bellamy was navigating the system for both of them, but she talks Clarke through what Maddie’s guardian ad litem does (and Clarke has never been more thankful to have someone like Monty – he’s a godsend. She loves Miller, but Miller’s goal is to reunite Maddie with her family, and Monty’s goal is to figure out what’s best for Maddie, and it’s clear he thinks that’s Clarke), and once she meets Raven, Octavia organizes for the three of them to go out one night, leaving Maddie with Bellamy and Wells.
For the first time in a long time, Clarke is starting to feel like she has people. It’s not that she didn’t when it was just her and Wells, or even her and Raven and Wells, but she also often felt like the third wheel, even when she was with Lexa. And it’s been almost a year since she broke up with Lexa, a tough six months navigating having Maddie, and she loves Maddie with everything she has, but what she’s constantly surprised and delighted by are the other people that Maddie has brought into her life, how much they care about she and Clarke.
Nothing about this process is easy, Clarke thinks, watching as Raven and Octavia laugh together, but it’s brought her so many good people, and that’s worth any hardship.
--
When they come home from their night out, Bellamy is asleep on the sofa and Wells is blinking blearily up at them as they ease their way into the house. He takes one look at Raven and snorts, clearly recognizing the unique combination of exhaustion and drunkenness that produces a very cheery Raven. Octavia walks out arm in arm with Raven, Wells walking behind and shaking his head fondly.
Bellamy has managed not to wake up while everyone gathered their things, and after checking on Maddie, Clarke comes back downstairs. His hair is going every which way and she thinks he’s drooling a little on the hand that’s tucked under his face, but his face is calm in sleep, and before she thinks too hard about it, she throws a blanket over him, sets a glass of water on the table, and goes upstairs to sleep.
--
It seemed like no big deal, really, but after she lets him sleep over (and god, it was so benign – more tame than a kid’s sleepover), something seems to shift between them. They’ve gotten unusually close in the six or seven months they’ve known each other, and Raven has started teasing them about co-parenting Maddie, he’s over so much. Where Clarke had originally shrugged that off and rolled her eyes, she’s now looking at it with a more critical eye, and – Raven isn’t entirely wrong.
They often do co-parent Maddie, to be honest; it’s a parental relationship in all the ways that matter, except for the glaring detail that they’re not a couple.
And fortunately, when Maddie starts talking, she mostly garbles Bellamy’s name, doesn’t start with “dada”, because that would be – interesting to say the least. Clarke hasn’t even entirely decided what Maddie should be calling her, but she knows enough gay couples that have two moms to think it’s okay for Maddie to call her mom, and call her biological mother “mom” also. It’s probably going to get confusing down the road, but not any time soon, and Clarke is still hoping so desperately to formally adopt Maddie that maybe it won’t end up being an issue at all.
Once Maddie starts talking, everything seems new and exciting again. She babbles on about her toes when Clarke touches them, tries to repeat the stories Clarke tells her about her bath animals, and bless her, she still can’t really tell Clarke what’s wrong if she starts crying, but she still cries so infrequently that Clarke doesn’t even mind trying to puzzle through that.
She still has a really tough time on home visit days – they both do. Clarke has a hard time keeping herself distracted, and she can tell that the visits exhaust and stress Maddie out in equal measure. They haven’t found a kin placement for her, and while Miller can’t tell her anything about Maddie’s biological mother and the circumstances there, Monty, her guardian ad litem, is a little more free with information, and she’s trying not to get her hopes up, but they’ve gone almost a year together, and she’s hoping against all odds that she’s going to get sole custody.
Clarke is rambling about this to Bellamy early one morning as they’re out on a walk with Maddie, Bellamy drinking his coffee as he listens to her, and talking with Maddie when she points something out, when finally, she looks over at him and it hits her – he’s been her foundation for months now, the person she’s started sharing everything with, and she feels almost swamped by the wave of fondness she feels, followed very quickly by attraction.
She’s always known that Bellamy was attractive, and she’s undoubtedly remarked on this to several people (and it’s super awkward, being attracted to your non-co-parent, but this is what Clarke’s life has come to), but it’s now, as he’s listening to her and her kid and walking with them at the crack of dawn before work that she thinks that he’s a mess and also basically perfect all at once, and they’ve been decidedly more physical lately, and suddenly she’s swallowing down the need to tell him all of these things running through her head, and she cuts off talking about the adoption abruptly in confusion.
“Clarke?” he prompts, looking over at her. “You were talking about the formal adoption process?”
She hums, nodding. “It’s not like it’s the first time you’ve heard about this,” she says, giving an awkward smile.
He frowns a bit. “Yeah, but it’s important.”
“It is,” she says. “But we could talk about something else. Or – “ she checks her watch. “Do you need to get to work?” She feels a twinge of guilt at trying to get an out, but – the sudden flood of realizations into her brain makes her feel like she needs to sit down, and she definitely needs to be away from the physical proximity of Bellamy when she tries to process through everything.
He shrugs. “It wouldn’t hurt to get in a little early, I guess.” He glances at her. “Are you doing okay? You look flushed.”
“I’m fine,” she answers. “It’s probably just the cool air.”
He looks skeptical, but drops it, and they make their way back home.
Once he’s headed off to work and Maddie is down for a nap, she sits down and calls Raven. Before Raven even has a chance to say hi, Clarke blurts out, “I think I’m in love with Bellamy.”
There’s silence for a minute before Raven starts laughing. Clarke waits, rolling her eyes while Raven gets herself back under control. “It hurts me a little bit that you only just realized that, Clarke,” she says around her residual laughter.
“How could you possibly know before I do?” Clarke asks petulantly. “They’re my feelings.”
Raven laughs a little again. “As an outside observer,” Raven starts, “It is abundantly clear that you two are at the least, extremely loyal and attached to each other. Throw in the fact that you’re functionally co-parenting a kid and spending all sorts of quality time together? Plus, Bellamy’s ridiculously attractive and functionally your perfect person in his ability to sass you back while also making sure you eat and sleep, so yeah, surprise is not my primary emotion here.”
Clarke sits in silence for a minute. “Why did it take me so long to notice?” she finally asks.
“Clarke, you spend most of your time parenting a kid and dealing with an extremely challenging legal system. Almost all of your energy goes to making sure Maddie is fed and happy and taken care of, and you’re trying to do an even better job than most parents, mostly because that’s how you are, but also because you want to prove that you’re a fit parent, and that she should stay with you. It doesn’t exactly leave a lot of extra brain space lying around for daydreaming about partners.”
“Okay, but – now what do I do?”
“Jeez, it’s like you’ve never been in a relationship before,” Raven teases. “I don’t know, jump him when he comes home? Ask me or Octavia to babysit and go out on a date? You’ll figure it out. You did the hard part already,” she says, and it’s as close to reassuring as Raven gets, so when Clarke hangs up the phone, she feels ever-so-slightly better.
--
Except – then she doesn’t do anything about it. She’s got more hearings, more visits with Miller, and Raven’s right – it’s no wonder she didn’t figure out that she was in love with Bellamy sooner. She’s so busy that it doesn’t even take her two seconds to fall asleep at night.
But it is starting to feel more and more awkward, as she curls up next to him to watch TV, or he makes her and Maddie dinner and sits with Maddie while she cleans up the dishes. It’s all extremely domestic, and seriously, she’s got all the trappings of a perfect relationship, but there’s no sex, and honestly? She’s gone a pretty long time without at this point, and her vibrator and hands are great (when she’s awake long enough to use them), but increasingly, the thought of having sex with Bellamy is crowding out the other rational parts of her brain.
When she puts Maddie down for the night, she comes back downstairs to see Bellamy’s assessing gaze on her. She offers him a tired smile, and when he opens his arms up for her, she presses herself against him, nuzzling into his neck ever so slightly.
“You look tired,” he whispers against her hair, rubbing down her back.
She nods a little, and, feeling just brave enough, presses her lips against his neck, just a breath of softness before pulling back to look at him.
“Is that okay?” she asks, her voice wavering.
Bellamy seems to be frozen in place, but when she tries to step back, he tightens his hold on her, presses his forehead against hers. “Are you sure?” he asks. “Because there’s been a lot going on, and I just – “
She laughs. “Bellamy, it’s all I’ve been able to think about for weeks. I had this sudden realization while we were out walking with Maddie that I was over the moon for you, that you were all I wanted, and I’ve just been – sitting with it for what feels like forever.” She glances up at him. “I want you,” she says, grinning at him.
She can feel the breath whoosh out of him, and he’s grinning so hard back at her that when their mouths meet, it’s more of a sloppy meeting of teeth, and they’re both laughing as he tugs her down to the couch, where he noses along her neck, pressing feather-light kisses along her neck, her collarbone, nosing his way down her shirt, and she’s trying to quiet her moans, because it’s been so long and she wants so much.
The thing is – she’s never had sex with a kid in her house, and she feels self-conscious about the sounds she makes as he teases at her breasts with his mouth – he hasn’t even taken her shirt off, it’s barely high school level shit that’s happening here, but she’s so happy to have his mouth on her that she’s sighing at every touch, and freezing up at every sound she makes.
Fortunately, Bellamy seems to understand that it’s not a matter of him, but more a matter of quiet, and he works his way back up to her mouth, pressing his lips to hers and muffling the noises she makes as he works his hand along the seam of her pants, just enough friction for her to rock against, and she is so, so wet when he slips his hands inside her pants and rubs two fingers up and along her clit, and she’s rocking against his hand now, her wanton cries escaping even as he licks along her tongue, working his tongue and his hands in synchrony until she’s slipping over the edge, and he’s replacing his mouth with his hand, dampening the sound as he kisses and nips down her neck.
He eases his hands up her body after he’s worked her through her orgasm, gently rubbing along her sides to ground her as she settles back in her own body. She can feel the smile on her face, and she doesn’t even open her eyes, just nudges her nose along his cheek, and soundless recognition of him, of them, together.
“I should go home,” he whispers against her neck as she cards her hands through his hair and kisses along his jawline.
She glances down, attempting to be coy, before glancing at his face, and before she can even get a word out, they’re both laughing as quietly as they can, her forehead leaning against his shoulder as she’s overtaken with giddiness.
“I’m just saying,” she wheezes out, “But it looks like you should stay.” She’s still laughing, but even as she struggles to get her breathing back under control, she’s rubbing her hand down and over the bulge in his jeans, and he’s groaning against her chest, head dropping and eyes fluttering shut. She kisses his hair tenderly, but her hand against his dick is anything but tender.
When he doesn’t make any motion to get up and leave, she pops the button on his jeans and eases him out, feeling the weight of him in her palm. She spits into her hand and starts jacking him, slow at first, but as soon as she gets a sense for what he likes (and now she’s the one swallowing down his moans, kissing him deep and dirty), she’s all business, twisting her hand viciously one minute and stroking fast as he starts to unravel.
When he comes down from his high, she’s right there watching him intently, fondness written all over her face, and he reaches to kiss her again, slow and steady. She kisses back like she’s got all the time in the world, and they stay tangled up in each other for a little while longer. When he finally insists on going home, she kisses him at the door and leans against the frame happily as he goes home.
--
They carry on like that for quite a while, really. Nothing is all that different, except that when Maddie goes down for bed in the evening, instead of watching TV, they make out slow and lazy, learning each other in a new way. He rarely stays the night, but neither of them mind much, accepting the current state of their separate-but-together lives.
It’s only when they’ve been together for a couple of months that it gets close to CPS making a decision on Maddie’s custody, and Clarke starts fretting for more than the usual reason. She’s still worried that CPS might recommend that Maddie go back to living with her biological family; her biological mother has been doing a bit better in the past couple of months, and while Clarke doesn’t think she’s a fit parent, she doesn’t think she’s the worst anymore, either.
And then there’s the custody issue itself; she’s optimistic at this point that she’s going to get custody of Maddie, but in some ways, it feels wrong that she’s the only one getting custody. She and Bellamy aren’t married, aren’t even close to getting married, but he’s been there every step of the way, helping with Maddie, bonding with her, soothing Clarke’s worries about CPS, and as ludicrous as it is, as fast as it would be, she almost wonders whether Bellamy should get joint custody.
She worries about it for several days until finally, after they’ve tucked Maddie in for the night, she brings it up.
“I have a weird question,” she says, watching his face. He raises his eyebrows and waits for her. “The thing is, I still don’t know for sure if CPS is going to give me custody of Maddie. But if they do, it seems – sort of wrong for it to be only me. Not that it should be shared between her biological mom and me, but – “ she hesitates, waits while he nods for her to continue. ‘I’m just wondering if you should also have custody of Maddie,” she says in a rush.
He doesn’t say anything for a minute, and she feels so awkward, waiting in this tense silence. Finally, she can’t stand it anymore and goes on. “It’s just – I know we’ve been together this very short time, and I don’t even know if you want to get married to anyone, let alone me, but you’ve been there for Maddie and me every step of the way, and I feel like it’s important to honor that somehow. And what if something happened to me? Of course I’d want you to be her caretaker.”
He smiles and ducks his head at that, and Clarke feels relief wash over her. It’s not as weird as she thought, if this is his reaction. Still, when he turns to look at her with a serious face, she feels apprehension wash through her. “Clarke, I can’t tell you how honored I am to hear that, and how much it means to me. I don’t feel like there’s a good answer to this question, but I think, for now, you should get sole custody of her, if that becomes an option.” He breaks off, and Clarke feels a little like bursting into tears, although she’s glad he’s being honest. When she looks back at him, there’s a level of fondness written there that humbles her. “Clarke, I love you. I think you’re a phenomenal parent. You should have sole custody of her not because I don’t want custody, but because you’ve put so much love and effort into making this work. I’m just your tag team, at least for now.” He tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. “We can revisit this conversation in three months, six months – whenever. It’s not closing a door to say that I shouldn’t have custody now. It’s just saying we should think about it, give it more time.”
She nods, and even though she felt so nervous about this conversation, she’s still filled with relief: at having this conversation, but even moreso, at knowing that Maddie could be hers and hers alone, that she doesn’t have to make this monumental decision now, or by herself. When Bellamy strokes at her hair, she reaches for his hand and kisses his palm. “Thanks,” she says. “For thinking I’m a good parent. And for giving it time.”
--
When CPS decides two weeks later that Clarke is the best fit for Maddie, she almost faints in relief and shock. She calls Bellamy first, practically screaming in delight down the phone, and then picks up Maddie and dances her around the kitchen. It’s a moment she’s never going to forget, everything full of light and joy, and for once, feeling like the world is entirely good.
When she signs the adoption papers, Maddie is standing at her feet holding her hand and holding Bellamy’s, and Clarke thinks her heart might be so full it could burst. She wasn’t sure life could ever be this good, but then she’s here, with her family, the one she found and made and loves, and when she gets to hand her daughter (her daughter!) off to Raven later, watches as Wells and Raven tickle her and talk her through astrophysics, when Octavia tugs gently on a springy curl, she feels like this is everything she ever could have hoped for.