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Loss wasn’t a new concept in Shiba Togo’s world. He was a war veteran, a lauded hero, a…failed warrior who could only save so much. Years of poring over books and scrolls, aching until his muscles could withstand the heaviest of blows – they weren’t enough. He had hoped after the war he could devote the rest of his days to protecting the important people in his life.
Yet, he was still not enough.
For this one remaining boy…could he try one more time? I can’t lose you, too.
Love wasn’t a new concept in Shiba Togo’s world. He didn’t grow up in a household where the word was spoken aloud, but the cosmic threads of fate showed him a whole new meaning to such word in the form of his closest friends, his brothers in soul.
He knew what love was through Samura facing Inori in their marriage ceremony – face softened by adoration that one would think this man wasn't a legend of the war – and they were united by a vow meant to last forever. Later, Shiba would learn that such kind of love could still not be enough.
So, love really wasn’t a new concept to Shiba Togo, but it didn’t mean he already understood it—
Not when a seventeen-year-old Chihiro was confessing the very same thing to him.
“Look, Chihiro,” he drawled his words, choosing them carefully in his head before letting it out. He couldn’t encourage this behavior, and he didn’t want to just carelessly dismiss this either. “I’ve been…seventeen, too. It’s easy to…mistake a certain kind of affection for something else. Especially at this age. Everything’s just…heightened. Emotional. I’ve seen you grow. Heck, I’ve taken care of you. I’m basically a father to you.”
“You’re not my father, you’re not even remotely blood-related to me, Shiba-san.” Chihiro’s unwavering red eyes stared back at him. “Don’t worry, I don't expect you to respond. I just can’t keep living under your roof without you knowing this. I would feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”
Wasn’t it already the case now, cornering him like this? Shiba crossed his arms, heaving a deep sigh. He would always have a weak spot for this boy, no matter what the concern was. “Then let’s put this past behind us, yeah? It’s just a silly…crush. You’ll find a more proper person to direct your affections to. I’m hardly the right person for that.”
Not when he, an adult of sound mind, willingly took this boy’s hand and guided him through the path of hell and blood. If Chihiro will give his heart to someone, Shiba would rather that person be someone who can pull him back to the human world. Chihiro deserved as much.
Later, Shiba would learn that love could be sowed with a small seed, creep gradually into one’s heart, and capture a person’s mind and soul until it was too late.
“Took you long enough, Shiba.” Samura stood far below them, but his words cut through like a strike.
A bloody Chihiro lay on Shiba’s arm, his own heartbeat thundering in his ears. Not enough, not enough, not enough…
“This is the end.” Samura disappeared in mass of black feathers, and memories of a raging fire and a bloody corpse clouded Shiba’s vision as Chihiro’s blood made scarlet cascade down his arms. It seems that in Shiba Togo’s world, he can’t help but keep losing. He could traverse spaces in a snap, yet never fast enough to matter.
But this wasn’t the time to dawdle. In a snap, they were at the Kamunabi hospital –
“Do all you can to save him. Please.”
A plea to the doctors. A plea to the heavens.
To which deity should he pray to? Which god would hear him now and keep Chihiro alive? There’s no doubt Kunishige would curse him if Shiba even dared to call out to him and asked for Chihiro back, but still...
Kunishige, if I trade my soul for your son’s, would it be enough?
Chihiro was alive.
By some miracle - or Samura's intentions - he’s alive. Perhaps there was all some grand plan behind this, but Shiba couldn’t care less about it now. He sat beside Chihiro’s bed with a solemn expression on his face.
“I failed to protect you, for the second time.”
“You didn’t—”
Shiba took hold of Chihiro’s wrist, freezing Chihiro on the spot. Ever since that first confession, not even a slight acknowledgment that such exchange happened occurred between the two. And yet, Shiba could still feel the ripple it made in their lives.
From Chihiro.
And from himself.
Shiba didn’t want to care anymore. In that short moment where Chihiro drifted in and out of this world, Shiba came to realize what has grown from within his heart and has wrapped him to the point of never letting go.
Was it selfish? Very. Was it wrong? Perhaps... Definitely.
“Can you not die on me again?” Shiba tightened his grip, looking at Chihiro beyond the warmth that was gathering in his eyes. “I can’t…lose you.”
In the subtlest of changes in Chihiro’s expression, a hundred emotions flashed. Perhaps he had never expected Shiba to one day respond to his feelings. It should have been the normal course of things. But his world has long been turned upside down. And in all its mess, Shiba was the one who kept him upright.
“You know I can’t promise you that, Shiba-san.” Chihiro turned the arm Shiba was gripping and slid it down Shiba’s hand, until their palms met and their calloused fingers filled in the spaces in between. “But as long as I have you by my side, you won’t lose me. I swear on that.”
For as long as Chihiro decides that he needs Shiba, then Shiba would stay by his side. He would lose his soul, but he would keep his heart.
For this one remaining boy, Shiba Togo would learn a whole new concept of love.