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A few days after they’ve quietly, tentatively gradually admitted their feelings for each other, looking back now unable to recall who took the final step, and have agreed to keep the developments between them, Audrey sensed something was not right with Siegfried. He was polite as ever and much more amiable than usual, yet she had the distinct feeling he was also trying to keep something from her. At first it made her worried that he thought better of their newfound closeness, that he found her lacking, but then she remembered the last time he behaved this way. It was when she had requested a few days off to attend Mary’s birthday in Sunderland and he was afraid she was leaving, not to come back.
When they were finally alone in the kitchen, before he had the chance to escape, she decided to confront him. As expected he tried to dismiss her suspicions at first, feeling ashamed that he unintentionally and despite his best efforts to the contrary roused her concern, but Audrey quickly turned her famous stare on him and made him bend to her will. He felt it was unfair for him to burden her with his insecurities and was also afraid at times that she was with him not from the pure wish and longing of her heart, but out of some sense of obligation and noble selflessness.
She remembered reminding Tristan that Charlotte and her lot were not better than him, and yet she felt at times beneath Siegfried, for being his employee, a housekeeper and a divorcee. Thinking back to his crucial encouragement for her to go through with her divorce and his advice for her not to care if anyone judged her for it, wasn’t always sufficient to quiet her feelings of inadequacy. She always had a strong sense of self and steady self-worth, however the way her former husband had treated her had eaten away at her confidence as a woman, of her worthiness as a wife, at her abilities to be what a man needed and deserved. While the years have helped lessen her guilt over not being able to save Robert, for eventually leaving him and then divorcing him, his abuse has left permanent scars on how she thought about her potential as a partner.
He sighed. “You are right, I’m afraid.” He said not daring to meet her eyes as he sat at the end of the table and she leaned against the sink.
Despite her own doubts she had assured herself several times that he wouldn't be ashamed of her, but she wasn't so sure now.
“Of what others will think when they learn that you and I … ?”
His eyes snapped up to her and he stood. “Never. I would be remiss if I made you think that. Well, it’s kind of the opposite, actually. I don't feel worthy of you, you deserve so much better. I know you’ve put up with me for more than a decade, which in itself is a great accomplishment, and you know me better than anyone, probably seen most, if not all of my flaws, but… Audrey, you are so good, so precious and pure. You deserve to be cherished and I’m loud and selfish and inconsiderate and… You deserve the best and I'm not it.”
She stepped towards him, resting her hands on him between his chest and shoulders.
“You are the best. The best man I’ve ever known.” She said decidedly, instinctively caressing him in a soothing manner.
He scoffed. “Maybe the best vet in Yorkshire. But not the best person to deserve you.”
“Allow me to be the judge of that. I couldn't imagine a better man to love me even if I tried.”
He still looked at her utterly unconvinced. It broke her heart and filled her with even more affection for him at the same time.
“Who took me in when I had no job, no reference and no place to stay? Who gave me a home and a family when I had neither, but always dreamed of both? Who let me be the lady of the house and boss everyone around even though I was the employee? Who always lets me speak me mind? Who kept me safe all these years? Who gave me my faith back in men? Who offered to drive me to find me son when he weren't speaking to me? Who was there for me, supporting and encouraging me, when I needed it to divorce Robert? Who saved a fox just for me, when I was beside myself with worry, because I didn't know whether me Edward was alive or not? Who notices whenever I’m troubled? Who tells me that I’m remarkable and a marvel, the answer to every question, and all those ridiculous wonderful things? … You do and you did, Siegfried Donald Farnon.”
Her eyes never left his face as she spoke, willing him to believe every single one of her words, and while he lost himself in observing the sparkle of her gaze as he often did, she sensed his continued apprehension, so she pushed on.
“This battered and bruised woman showed up at your doorstep and you have taken her in, no questions asked, saving her. You have given me a safe place to stay, a job to earn my living, a purpose to keep going by allowing me to care for you and your little brother, and with it all freedom to heal and rebuild myself and my life. You never held me back. When I wanted to go to the Lakes …, you let me go, as did you when me Edward has returned, always telling me I had my own life to live. You not only let me go, you took me back both times. You've always trusted me, I never had to fear that you would retaliate for something I have said or done. I’ve never known an employer who would have put up with me telling them off, buying things from their money and inviting aspiring vets for a job without their permission, but you did. Even when you drink too much, you are never violent. You never hurt others intentionally. You are only ever a danger to yourself, but you’ve let me in, you let me reach you, you allowed me to help, unlike Robert. You let me be your partner in building a family, when I couldn't keep mine together. You might be loud, you might bluster and you might occasionally lack awareness, you might struggle to admit when you were wrong, but you are never driven by bad intentions, you love those in your care so fiercely, I’ve seen you more than once eventually admit and apologize for your mistakes, and being so endearingly earnest in your attempts to make things right. You listen to me and I see how hard you try to do better. That’s the most any of us can do. I enjoy your harmless chaos and you always keeping me on my toes, although don't quote me on that the next time you muck up my floor, loose your keys or holler for me through the house. No day is boring with you, and I prefer you to test me patience each day, rather than me having to be idle or away from you. When you look at me, you make me feel beautiful and like if I were the most precious thing. I have never felt safer, more respected, and truly cherished, then whenever I’m in your arms. I always thought Evelyn Farnon was a lucky woman for having a husband, who was so utterly devoted to her. With me history I should know. Having given away my heart completely once before, and having it broken and mistreated, it took much more time, effort and patience from you, before I was ready to give it to you completely and willingly. You first helped to mend it, and you’ve done so unknowingly, with being the best friend anyone could ask for through it all. You’re a good man, Siegfried Farnon, no matter how much you try to hide it. I have told you before and I don’t mind reminding you of it for the rest of our lives. I count myself so lucky and blessed that you should want to share your life with me. That is if you still want to?”
“Of course I still want to. If you really think nothing and no one could make you happier.” He replied, while finally putting his arms around her waist and she closed her arms around his neck in response. He was astonished by this woman time and again. While he still didn’t feel worthy he knew it would be smart to take her word for it. He also sensed he wasn’t the only one struggling to believe their luck, much as it was unfathomable for him how she could feel that way. “I hope you know you are never too much or not enough. You're perfect to me exactly as you are.”
She was stunned not for the first time how well he could read her, that he knew the right words that she needed to hear in the moment, and he offered them unprompted.
“Maybe we both have to be content with the knowledge that we are deemed worthy by the other.”
“You are right, as always.”
“You've already made me happy, long before we’ve admitted our feelings to each other and you’ve made all my wishes come true.” she beamed up at him in further affirmation.
“All your wishes?” he asked, affronted, a smile hiding in the corner of his lips.
“Well, maybe not all of them, but certainly most of them, and I’m sure you will soon fulfill the rest.” She whispered leaning close to him, before the distance entirely disappeared between them and they forgot themselves in kissing each other.