Chapter Text
“Thank you for the overtime, Meroz. I'll follow up with you tomorrow.”
“Goodnight, Doctor!”
Nodding a reply to the lab assistant as he left, my eyes were drawn to the reflection of my past self, shining so clearly in Meroz it was undeniable. I did my best to bury the bittersweet memory of when I was the overly ambitious and dedicated scientist - the guilt of how deluded, hypnotised and stupid I was. People told me not to blame myself, stating that anyone in my position would've jumped for the opportunity for a stable job at a grand laboratory.
I looked around the lab, melancholy settling in my heart. Indubitably, I enjoyed the order and stability of working at Song Laboratory. Comparing it to the previous lab would be like comparing heaven and hell; I wondered how I even survived to work that long there. I could vividly remember the moment I was offered to work at Song - how I felt, how I stared into the leader’s eyes in disbelief and hatred, how much I wanted to say no. How I couldn't.
I wanted to be free from the chaos of human experimentation, but I suppose it hurt too much to simply throw away my expertise and pretend it never happened.
Locking the door to my office, the long white walls of the hallway consumed me. Every time I went to work, I got the impression that the walls were trying their best to be friendly, but I knew better than to feel safe in any laboratory building - there was no place for comfort in a building so wicked. Admittedly, it was tempting, but I couldn’t allow myself to be so brainless.
As I reached the end of the hallway, my fingers found the cold metal of the light switch. I hesitated, stared ahead of myself and sighed. My eyes were drawn into how clean and sterile the hallway was; how tranquil and quiet the atmosphere was; how the only thing that existed in the hallway was myself and the thoughts that grew like a tumour in my mind.
This could all fall apart in seconds. The laboratory could so easily be destroyed, and you would be left with nothing. No family, no friends, no belonging - only your name and the scars to haunt you forever.
Fear had told me that I could never get over the calamity. They labelled it as trauma; I acknowledged it as karma. Distress overwhelmed my soul whenever I remembered how at any moment I could watch everything I achieved in this second life slip past my fingers and disappear. The world and its contents won’t last forever, and yet I have foolishly attached myself to materials, to earthly fulfillments, to sin.
At first, I told myself that I should have been the one to die, that it was my worthy punishment. In truth, staying alive would bring a greater terror onto my soul. I got the freedom I so painfully desired, but at the cost of ruin.
I got everything, but I have nothing.
With the lights off, the darkness of the laboratory consumed me. Albeit I have a physical home - a place that should be a source of my comfort - I would never be able to escape the haunting of my actions that destroyed me, and the world I knew.