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Nick was a little more than nervous when his mum pulled up to the Daffodil Clinic and put the car in park. Nick was staring at the building, trying to squash down the sudden influx of nervous energy he was feeling. The building looked far more scary then it had any right to be, he’d been in there before, he knew what was waiting on the other side this time.
It was just Charlie, his Charlie, everything would be fine.
But everything wasn’t fine and this was the first time Nick would be seeing Charlie alone and he still wasn’t better better yet. Things were still so up in the air and unsure and what if him being there didn’t help -
“It’s alright, Nicky,” his mum said, reaching out to touch his arm and breaking through the panic. “Do you want me to come in with you?”
A part of him really wanted to say yes, partly because she hadn’t seen Charlie in weeks but at the same time, he was so worried about overwhelming Charlie with a surprise person. He felt lucky when Charlie had finally agreed to let him visit along with his family, he didn’t want to put any of that at risk.
“It’s okay,” he said, his voice feeling rather small and childish. “Thank you for dropping me off.”
“Of course darling,” she said softly, he turned to look at her, the simple smile on her face providing so much comfort. “Tell Charlie I said hello and I’ll text you when I’ve come back.”
Nodding Nick tried to give her the best reassuring smile he could, but knew from the look on her face, he failed at it. But she didn’t stop him from getting out of the car and readying himself to walk into the building.
Walking in, he kept his head up and tried to act like he wasn’t about to burst into tears. Charlie wasn’t waiting for him at the reception desk like he sometimes was when Nick came with his family. He was hoping he’d be there, but instead Nick went to the desk, smiling at the receptionist. It was one he didn’t recognize, which made his stomach lurch even more uncomfortably. Had he really been here so much that he expected to see a receptionist he knew? Would Charlie be here long enough that Nick would know all of the staff?
“Hi,” he said, swallowing down his anxiety, taking up the pen and scribbling his name on the sign in sheet, as he’d done before. “I’m here to visit Charlie Spring, room 67.”
“Oh, you must be the famous Nick Nelson,” she said, Nick was partly startled by the recognition, looking up in surprise. “Charlie talks about you all the time,” she added with a chuckle. “I think we all know about his amazing, wonderful boyfriend.”
Nick didn’t know what to do with that bit of information. He knew Charlie talked about him, his consoler knew him as well, greeting him at every visit. Nick hadn’t met any of Charlie’s fellow patiences, but he’d seen a few waves at them too. But he’d never been… confronted with it like this before. He certainly didn’t feel like an amazing, wonderful boyfriend very much either. Not with Charlie so unwell he had to go to a clinic to get better and Nick just sort of let it happen. No one acted like they blamed him but he really didn’t do enough to help Charlie, not really. Getting him to tell his parents about his eating disorder was one thing, but he didn’t get Charlie to admit to the self harm and that’s what was really the more dangerous thing.
“Oh, uh,” he said, unsure but thankfully Charlie walked over just in time to avoid any nervous rambling. “Hey,” Nick said, directing his attention to Charlie.
He looked… okay?
He was beautiful, of course, but his face was still a little gaunt, his eyes not nearly as bright as they usually were. His whole body was slumped, shoulders down, the jumper he wore hung off him. It wasn’t even one of Nick’s, but Charlie’s own and even that was way too large for him. Any other time he saw Charlie he was usually wearing Nick’s jumpers, so the change felt a little disheartening. Did he not want to wear Nick’s clothing anymore? Nick had left a jumper for him a few days ago, so it wasn’t like he didn’t have one that smelled like him anymore.
“Hey,” he said back, his voice soft and lost. Nick held his arms out and Charlie came to him, closing the distance and allowing Nick to smoother him in a tight hug.
It wasn’t lost on him that Charlie didn’t quite hug him back. He had been, the last few times he visited, but everything was always so hit or miss. He’d told them to expect that, the doctors said it took time with new medication and therapy. But seeing the ups and downs again, were really hard for Nick to handle. Just a few days ago Charlie greeted him with a smile and a hug, excited to show him the art he’d made in therapy. It almost felt like he had the old Charlie back and maybe things were working out and he’d be ready to go home sooner than expected.
It was during the last visit, did Nick suggest coming by on Halloween. There'd been a few decorations up, but Charlie said they didn’t do anything special for it. Nick had been invited to Sahar’s halloween party but the thought of spending one on one time with Charlie was the better option. But now, feeling the small boy in his arms, he wondered if he made the wrong choice. Did Nick’s need to be here upset him? Did Charlie want to spend the holiday alone? Was he only putting on a brave face in front of his family?
Nick couldn’t stop the rush of thoughts, he had to take a deep breath and just will himself to be normal before he could find it in him to speak again.
“It’s Halloween,” Nick said, his voice coming out a little unsure. “So I thought um, maybe we could sit in the rec room and watch Hocus Pocus or something?” He pulled out of the hug to gauge Charlie’s response. They weren’t allowed in his private room, so the rec room or outside were the only options. “Or something, I dunno,” Nick offered when Charlie didn’t respond. He didn’t do much of anything, not even a smile or comment about Nick’s crush on Doug Jones, as he usually did. “Char?” he asked, watching as Charlie didn’t actually look at him, but instead turned towards the rec room.
“Sounds good,” Charlie mumbled, walking away without waiting for Nick or reaching for his hand. Charlie always reached for his hand when they walked, even stupid ridiculously short distances.
Nick followed behind him, relieved to see the room was mostly empty. There were two people sitting at a small table playing a board game, but the sofa and telly were unoccupied. Nick didn’t have a plan B if they couldn’t watch something and he was pretty sure Charlie didn’t have any plans at all. Charlie sat on the sofa, curling onto himself, making himself impossibly small. He hadn’t gained much weight yet, another thing they were told was normal. Aside from the psychological aspect, they couldn’t just make him over eat, they had to let him gain naturally. It did nothing to make Nick feel better, seeing how rail thin his arms looked as the sleeve of his jumper fell down.
He knew he shouldn’t comment or really focus on it, but that didn’t mean the sight of it didn’t make his heart ache even more.
Nick sat beside him, grabbing the remote and turning the telly on, going to the Disney+ account the center had for free use. “Maybe we should watch Marvel instead,” Nick joked. “Agatha All Along is spooky.”
Charlie didn’t respond, just hummed and Nick’s voice quaked a little. “Or if you want to watch something scarier, we can too. You’ll just have to promise to hold my hand and not make fun of me when I scream like a little girl.”
Charlie shrugged, his eyes flicking to Nick for a moment before going to look at his hands. The lack of banter was breaking Nick’s heart, filling his eyes with unshed tears, but he couldn’t have a breakdown right now. Clearly Charlie wasn’t doing well and Nick having his only little meltdown wouldn’t help anything. Charlie needed him to be strong, it was the only thing Nick could really give him right now.
“If you’re not up for this, I can go,” Nick said quickly, reaching out and touching Charlie’s arm. He was hoping Charlie would deny him, but if Charlie really wanted to leave, Nick would do it. He’d do anything for him, no matter how much it broke Nick’s own heart.
His boyfriend looked up at him, the hollowness of his cheeks so much more pronounced, the bags under his eyes so much darker. “No, it’s fine.”
“Really,” Nick said quickly. “I just want you to be happy-”
“It’s fine,” Charlie said, his voice stronger but still so very weak. Nick had gotten used to the snappy version of Charlie, the one who could be pretty vicious. He knew it was a symptom of his disorder, knew that he was lashing out because he was so scared. But this version, still angry but completely muted, worried him. This was the Charlie that tried to… Nick paused, shaking the thought out of his head. If Charlie was in any danger, this place would know and help him. Nick had to put his trust in these people but seeing Charlie like this, just made him worry they’d made the wrong choice. What if this wasn’t helping him? What if they were treating him badly and he was too scared to say anything? He’d looked up so many things about clinics like this, read so many horror stories and he couldn’t shake the thoughts from his head.
Charlie had been through so much already, this had to help. Nick wasn’t sure there was any alternative if this didn’t.
“Okay,” Nick said, swallowing. “I’ll just…” He navigated to Hocus Pocus, selecting the film and pressing play. The volume was down, soft but Nick could still hear it. He looked over to the two playing board games, but neither of them looked bothered by it. He settled into the sofa, trying to be both close to Charlie and respecting the space Charlie had put there.
It felt weird, even when they were friends they sat close, shoulders pressed together, bodies in each other’s spaces. Charlie was sitting with his knees up and his arms wrapped around his legs. Nick leaned over and grabbed a blanket. “Are you cold?”
“No,” Charlie said, but Nick knew that was a lie.
“Come cuddle with me under the blanket?” Nick ventured, not sure if Charlie would agree or not. A long moment passed before Charlie unfurled just enough and Nick moved closer, throwing the blanket over them. He still wasn’t cuddling per usual, but it was better than nothing. As the movie progressed Nick tried very hard not to look over at Charlie, but he couldn't help the small glances at his boyfriend. Charlie clearly wasn’t actually watching the movie, his face was blank, the same far away expression he had several months ago.
Nick had become an expert on getting Charlie out of his moments, usually touching helped to bring Charlie back, to give him something to anchor too. But when touch wasn’t good, Nick could ramble on and on to him, until the words were enough to pull him out of whatever far away land Charlie’s brain drifted off to.
Nick moved a little closer still, not a lot, but his shoulder was now pressed against Charlie’s, who didn’t do anything to acknowledge the gesture. “If you’re tired…” Nick said softly. “I mean, I can go home…”
“No,” Charlie said, his voice breaking on the word. He finally, finally turned to acknowledge Nick and suddenly Nick knew exactly why Charlie hadn’t been looking at him. The second they made eye contact, Nick could see the buildup of tears, the quiver of Charlie’s lips, the tip of his nose going red the way it always does when he’s crying. From experience, he knows Charlie hated to do it in front of people. He told Nick that so often, fighting the tears back, holding in the emotions he needed to let out. Crying in front of people made Charlie feel weak and pathetic, like having emotions were some sort of bad thing that made others feel bad in kind.
“Darling,” Nick said softly, the word slipping out. “You’re alright.”
Charlie fell into his side, curling on himself even more now but at least he was letting Nick hold him. He quickly looked to see if the two others were still in the room and blissfully they must have left because the place was empty. Nick made a quick decision, pulling Charlie up, so he was sitting across Nick’s lap. He worried for a moment, Charlie might jump away but instead he burrowed into Nick’s chest even more. His sobs weren’t very loud, at least not enough to gain attention, although Nick was worried he should be alerting the staff.
Was this kind of thing normal for patients to have? Should Nick get a professional to help Charlie out right now? Certainly they would do a better job than Nick ever could.
And yet, with Charlie in his arms like this, he just held on, hoping it would be enough for now.
“It’s alright,” he repeated, so far out of his depth still. He’d done his best when Charlie was upset and scared, trying to give him any type of comfort. He never felt like it was enough and he knew, really he did, that he couldn’t actually fix it, but he still wanted it to be better. Charlie deserved the world, he deserved happiness and love and not to feel so sad and depressed he didn’t want to be alive anymore. And Nick wanted to give him that, he wanted to show Charlie there were a million reasons to wake up every morning.
“Sorry,” Charlie said in a tiny voice, he wiped his sleeve across his nose. “Yuck.”
“Let me,” Nick started, looking around, glad to find a tissue box on the table. He had to jostle Charlie a bit to reach for it, but he grabbed a few handing them to Charlie.
“Thanks,” he said, using the issue to blow his nose and another to wipe at his eyes again. He went to pocket the tissues but Nick stopped him, taking the tissues from his hand. “Nick,” he said. “That’s gross.”
“Nah,” Nick said, putting them in his own jumper pocket instead, he’d worry about throwing it in the bin later. “Nothing about you is gross.”
That seemed to be the wrong thing to say because Charlie’s eyes teared up again and he sobbed a little. “S-sorry,” he hiccuped. “I’m just… I’m a mess.”
“You’re not a mess,” Nick insisted, but Charlie shook his head, sucking in a deep breath.
“But I am. I was so rude to you when you first got here and now I’m sobbing in your lap like a child. I just…”
“It’s okay Char, really,” Nick said, putting his arm around Charlie’s shoulder. “I get it, okay? I’m here for you, no matter what you’re feeling.”
“I just keep thinking I should be better,” Charlie said, Nick felt like this was something that had been weighing on him. “Like, I’ve been here a few weeks and I’m taking the medication and talking to Geoff and doing everything they want me to do. But I still can barely eat. I still feel like shit most of the time. What if this is just who I am? What if this is just me forever? What if I’m just some depressed loser who can’t eat?”
“I don’t think that,” Nick said. “I really don’t. I think you’re a kind, wonderful, lovely human whose had some terrible things happen to him-”
“But why can’t I get better?” Charlie cut in. “You being here, you saying that, it almost makes it worse. Because I shouldn’t have… I went too far and I had no reason to do it. I feel so stupid and useless because I know you love me and so do my friends and family but I still did something really bad to myself".
“Have you talked to Geoff about this?” Nick asked. Charlie hadn’t really disclosed what he talked about in therapy, not that Nick was expecting him too. The diagnosis was a relief for everyone, finally able to put a name to what Charlie was feeling and to know there were ways to help it. Nick had looked up everything he could on OCD and anorexia, the symptoms painted a picture of what the last few months of Charlie’s life had been like, the things he hadn’t even told Nick about. He was just hoping these feelings, the negative thoughts were something he was opening up to his therapist about and not holding them in.
Charlie shrugged. “I guess but he just… he doesn’t know me, right? He just knows what I tell him and like, he doesn’t get it. I feel like shit all of the time still. I mean there’s moments where things aren’t bad, when you guys come and visit or if I talk to someone on the phone but then it’s back to this. Like, I don’t know if I can get better. And I want to, you have to believe me, I really want to. I don’t want to be here forever or to have to keep coming back, or to feel like this anymore.”
Nick really, really wanted to call someone to come help. He knew at that moment Charlie wasn’t in danger, not a danger to himself but he didn’t know what he could possibly say to make it any less terrible for him. He believed Charlie had wanted to get better, he didn’t think Charlie would have agreed to come if he didn’t want to.
“Charlie,” he started. “I don’t… I know I don’t understand either, not really but this will pass. You will get better, you will feel better. I know how much you want to, I really do. It’s so brave of you to do this, to accept help and to try something that’s scary. I believe in you, I always have and I always will.” The words sounded so cliche and cheesy tumbling out of his mouth, but it didn’t make them any less true. He really hoped Charlie could accept them, understand they weren’t just platitudes but Nick had meant them, then and now.
“How can you know that?” Charlie asked, the desperation in his voice made Nick’s heart crack in two. “You always say that but how can you just know?”
“Because,” Nick said, trying so hard to think of how he could even say what he was feeling without possibly upsetting Charlie even more. “Because you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met and if anyone can do it, it’s you. Because you’re not alone and you don’t have to pull yourself up anymore. You have me and Tori and Tao, Elle, Isaac, Tara, Darcy, Imogen… so many people who want to and can help you. Because I know you want to get better too, you wouldn’t have agreed to come here, you wouldn’t be sitting here crying if you didn’t want to.”
Charlie’s face crumbled again, he put his head back on Nick’s chest. “Thank you,” he said sniffing. “I don’t really deserve you.”
“You absolutely do and if you need me too, I’ll spend the rest of our lives telling you so.”
Charlie let out another chuckle, this one sounding more like himself. He sniffed again and Nick tightened his hold of him. “Thank you,” Charlie said. “For being here and saying those things,” Charlie said in a hushed voice. “I got so excited you were coming to see me and then I remembered you had mentioned Sahar’s party and I thought, god, I’m wasting his life now. He’s gonna come here, there’s no drinks or candy or our friends… just me.”
This was not the first time he’d heard Charlie say something like this and Nick supposed it wouldn’t be the last. He couldn’t understand how Charlie could ever think Nick didn’t want him, didn’t want to be with him all the time.
“Charlie, I don’t need drinks, candy or anything else. I just need and want you. I don’t want to go to a party, that I can't escape with you. Where’s the fun in that?”
“You could be doing something much more exciting than watching me cry over nothing,” Charlie went on, seemingly still stuck in his negative spiral. Nick had a hard time understanding when this happened at first, unsure how Charlie could just keep thinking these negative things. Nick tried to tell him otherwise, tried to beg Charlie to just listen but… well, Nick learned that it wasn’t always that easy. That sometimes all he could do was listen and try to make Charlie feel better, even if just a little.
“Or I can sit here, cuddle with you, watch Hocus Pocus and have a much better time. And you’re not crying over nothing, Char. You’re allowed to be upset, you’re allowed to have feelings.”
“It’s just so hard not to feel so… useless. Especially when I’m here and doing well one minute and then just… crashing down the next. I don’t want you and Tori to have to always take care of me and worry about my mental health.”
“Nope,” he said simply. “I’m doing exactly what I want to do. So is Tori. I mean, we’d rather you be healthy and happy, Char but we’re here no matter what’s going on with you. We worry because we love you, it’s not a problem, it’s not a chore to worry about the person you love.”
“I’m sorry I keep doing this,” Charlie sighed. “I hate showing you how…broken I really am.”
Nick kissed the side of his head. “It’s okay, you’re allowed to have these moments, Char. But you’re not broken, okay? You’re getting the help you need and I’m always going to be here to support you.” Nick paused, trying to decide if he wanted to tell Charlie the story that came to mind. “I never told you this, but do you remember the night we talked on the phone when I was in Menorca?”
Charlie nodded his head and Nick took a deep breath. “I know you weren’t doing well… and I was really fucking scared. I was so far away and I knew even if I wasn’t there, I really didn’t know how to help you. I just knew that you were suffering and it scared me. I know this might upset you a bit, but my mum came to check on me and I was crying…” Nick trailed, trying not to focus too much on the memory of it. “I ended up telling her that I thought you had an eating disorder.”
“Oh,” Charlie said, Nick could see the disappointment in his eyes. “It’s okay,” he said. “I mean, I was making you suffer, you were scared and hurt, you should be able to talk to Sarah.”
“You weren’t making me suffer, Char. I was sad because you were sad and I’m sixteen and in love with my boyfriend. I told mum that too, that I loved you and I didn’t know how to fix you. But do you know what she said to me?”
“What?” Charlie asked softly.
“She told me that love can’t cure a mental illness,” Nick said. “And that sometimes a person needs more than their sixteen year old boyfriend to help them. And then we talked about ways to help you, what I should say… we looked things up. But like Charlie, I don’t want to cure you, you don’t need to be fixed. I want to help you. There’s a difference and it took me a while to see that. I spent so much time trying to do whatever I could to fix it because I thought I could. But what you need is support and love and that’s what I’m able to give you. I can hold you like this, when you’re sad, let you cry all you need to and then remind you how much I love you.”
“Sometimes I don’t believe you’re real,” Charlie said, sniffing again, his eyes watering up once more but he didn’t start crying again. Instead he took his sleeve across his eyes.
“How come you’re not wearing my jumper?” Nick questioned.
“Oh, um,” Charlie said, blushing, his cheeks and nose going even more red now. “Susan made me put them in the laundry, I guess it’s frowned upon to keep wearing the same jumper constantly without washing it.”
“Rude,” Nick huffed, which made Charlie giggle. “Well it’s a good thing I always wear one when I come here, just in case you need it. I’ll give it to you before I leave, yeah? That way you can have one that smells like me and when I come next week, we can do an exchange.”
“Sounds good,” Charlie nodded. “Can you bring the pink Nike one? I quite like that one.”
“Oh, you’re making requests now?” Nick asked, eyebrows raised. “I can’t help but notice how one sided these transactions are.”
“I think that’s completely fair,” Charlie said, the lightness to his voice was back, he sounded much happier. It made Nick’s heart soar knowing he could help like this. “If you could fit in my clothing, I’d do a trade but you can’t, so.”
“Alright then,” Nick said. “How about this, you trade jumpers for kisses?”
Charlie rolled his eyes. “I already give you kisses. All of the time.”
“Yeah well, these are extra kisses, so it works.”
“Still doesn’t sound like you’re getting much out of the deal,” Charlie said, head tilting to the side slightly. Nick was smart enough to catch on to Charlie’s actual comment, more than about jumpers and kisses. He was suggesting that being with him, that loving Charlie Spring wasn’t a fair enough trade. But he was wrong, so very wrong.
Charlie looked so beautiful, even through everything he’d been through. Nick wouldn’t trade these moments, however sad they were, for the world. Charlie Spring, in his arms, looking at Nick like he hung the moon in the sky. Joking about trading kisses for jumpers? That was worth everything to him.
“Nah,” Nick said. “As long as I’ve got you, it’s the best deal I could get.”
“Sap,” Charlie said, with another eye roll and to Nick’s delight, when he leaned closer, Charlie didn’t pull away.