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Severus had had enough.
He had enough of this shitty thing called life.
He made amends with the fact that he will never be happy. Not in this life.
Not when he’s Severus Snape.
The ugly, disgusting Slytherin.
The cursed, wicked son of a bitch.
He’ll never find happiness. He’ll never be welcomed anywhere. No one likes him. Merlin, no one even tolerates his presence.
So why keep going?
What’s the point of living a life when everyone’s waiting for the minute you drop dead?
What’s the point of tolerating this pain and misery and loneliness when it’ll be the one thing you know for the rest of your life?
That’s why he decides.
That this life is not worth tolerating.
Because nothing will change.
He’ll always be the weird, freaky, dirty, Snivellus. The abnormally-large nose Snivellus whom no one will miss after he dies. Because the only person who might cry at his funeral is already dead.
Because his mum is already dead.
Severus had received a message telling him both his parents were found dead in his house. He doesn’t know how that happened. He doesn’t want to think of how it happened.
His mom was always selfish. Even though she didn’t love him.
At least, she didn’t love him enough to leave Tobias.
She didn’t love him enough to stay with him.
In the end, Severus knows that she took the step he’s taking right now.
It’s freezing cold tonight, the 24th of December.
A few hours away from Christmas.
Standing in the astronomy tower, the cold wind reached his bones, he’s shivering so he casts a warming spell on himself. He doesn’t want to feel cold at this moment.
at his last moment.
Then he stares at the metal barrier between him and his permanent freedom.
The last impediment.
Severus takes the wand out of his pocket and puts it on one of the nearby chairs.
With a trembling exhale he walks to the railings, holding the bar that felt like an ice-block, sending a shiver down his spine.
His grip tightens around the bar, then he raises his right leg, making it cross the barrier, letting it land on the ledge before letting the other leg cross the barrier.
Severus doesn’t let go of the bar, he shifts his body so now his hands are holding the bar behind him.
Let go, and lean a little.
And that would be it.
He’d be finally free from this hell.
He’s finally making a decision that will guarantee him some peace. Some happiness. Some freedom.
He’d finally be free.
A smile, a genuine smile took place in his thin, trembling lips. The warming charm is wearing off but he doesn’t care. He’ll be free.
He hesitantly tried to let go of the bar, why is his hands not cooperating? Probably just his survival instinct is fighting for control.
But for him, this is the survival he needs. Surviving from this world which rejected him from the day he was born.
He takes a deep breathe, slowly loosening his hands and leans forward a little bit—
“No!!” a shout from behind makes him flinch. His foot slips and he’s falling but strong arms hug him from behind.
“The fuck are you doing Snape?” He recognizes the voice. His tormentor. His nightmare. the very reason of half the misery Severus felt for the last five fucking years. And now, with both of his feet hanging in the air. The only thing keeping him in this wreckage is James fucking Potter.
“Put your feet on the ledge Snape,” Potter orders, his strong arms digging into Severus’ entire chest wall.
Can’t he even let Severus have peaceful, harmless last minutes? Does he always need to torment him?
“Let go Potter” he says calmly, his voice holding no ounce of cooperating to the shit Potter is ordering him to do.
“I’m not fucking letting you go” he shouts, voice trembling. He intertwines his fingers with each other for stronger grip.
Severus raises his hands into James' intertwined hands and starts to loosen one finger.
“No you wont” James snaps and pulls him harder to the bars, slamming his back in a painful contact with the metal bars.
“What the fuck do you want Potter?” Severus snaps “isn’t that what you always wanted? Didn’t you say multiple times that my fucking existence bothers you? So let me do the job of getting rid of that for you and fucking let me go”
“No!” he shouts, “no I won’t let you kill yourself. I can’t let you do that. Yes I hate you but that doesn’t mean I want you dead. Yes I hate you but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live”
“Yeah right,” Severus laughs, “not exactly what I would think after what your friend did last year.”
“I swear I didn’t know, how many times I need to tell you that so you’d believe me?” James cries, “Sirius regrets it a lot and he apologised—”
“As if a fucking sorry would solve anything?” Severus sneers.
“Then what would solve it then?” James asks.
“My fucking death!”
“No I won’t let you” James begs, tightens his grip even though Severus is trying to loosen it “Severus please” his voice breaks “please don’t do this, don’t let a fucking arrogant loser like myself let you think that your only choice is this, it’s not I swear.”
Severus can feel the tears falling from James’ eyes. “Please put your feet on the ledge, I promise that I will do everything afterward. I’ll be your punchbag if you want. You can do whatever you want to get back at me for the bullshit I gave you but please,” he sniffs, “please live, please don’t die,” he let out one sob, then another.
Severus looks at the far ground beneath him, dark, cold, endless.
Then his eyes shift to the two hands holding him, His own hands were on top of James’ and he can feel them trembling, desperate but also strong.
He feels hot tears falling into his neck, they were the only source of warmth he felt at that moment.
Maybe in the end his survival instincts won. Maybe he didn’t want his death to be seen by his nemesis.
Maybe he just wants to hang into this faint thread of hope.
But his hands are around the cold bar again, a little fight against gravity happens and his feet are finally back on the ledge.
“Yes! I’m gonna pull you back here,” James’ intertwined hands are now below his armpits, lifting him like he weighs nothing. Like a superpower strength took over him the minute Severus accepted his help.
Severus is now back to the safety of the tower floor, and a second later James stumbles. Making both of them fall, Severus hits his head on the hard floor and James falls on top of him.
James doesn’t move, he buries his face into Severus’ shoulder and holds him tightly. Not believing that the body beneath him is still breathing, warm, alive.
“Thank you” his voice breaks again, “thank you thank you,” he repeats, arms holding Severus tighter as a wet stain appears on his shoulder.
Severus doesn’t push him away, because pushing Potter means letting him see the tears falling from his eyes.
They stay like this for an unknown amount of time, maybe minutes, maybe hours.
All that Severus knows is that James' grip is so strong. So grounding.
So warm.
He let out a long breath, trying to stop the sobs from forming, trying to calm down his heart.
“You’re heavy. move,” he says, voice barely audible,
James shifts. Now he’s lying on his side, left arm around Severus’ waist while the right goes under Severus’ head, rubbing it “your head hurts? You fell so bad” his voice is filled with hiccups and trembling.
Severus looks at him, he doesn’t move, or answer him.
His touch is so warm it grounds him. Making him feel steady.
Making all the feelings he felt just minutes ago feels like bullshit.
At least temporarily.
Temporarily, someone cares for him. Even if it was Potter.
Temporarily, the hand below his head, the thumb beside his ear, is not beating, not harmful.
Temporarily,that hand is peaceful. Safe.
To drop down his defences and believe that, temporarily, this hand will never cause him harm.
Will not make him hurt.
Will not make him resent this world, or resent himself.
“I hate you,” he says quietly, closing his eyes because looking much longer into those hazel eyes might make him cry again, or lean closer for Merlin knows what reasons.
“I know, I hate myself too,” James whispers, voice tired “I promise—”
“I don’t want your promises, Potter,” Severus cuts him, he hates promises, no one had ever kept their promises
He should go, he should stand up and take his wand and walk to his dormitory.
But he’s cold and the hands around him feel like everything he ever wanted.
The only thing he needs.
“Be better” he continues, breathing starting to get deeper, not able to collect the strength to stay conscious.
He drifts away after hearing the softest “I will,” ever.
Severus remembers that night so well.
He replays it whenever he becomes suicidal again. Whenever he thinks of cutting again.
That night gave him hope he never knew he was allowed to have.
Jaames gave him hope, he gave a promise and he kept it.
Or so Severus thought.
After that night James started to run after Severus like a lost puppy, cracking harmless jokes and trying to draw a smile on Severus’ face.
On the Christmas feast, he dragged Sirius and sat beside him at the table of the remaining students at Hogwarts.
Severus hated that. He thought that James told Sirius about what happened but James swore that he only threatened Sirius to put Remus on a blind date with a Ravenclaw fifth year boy if he doesn’t behave.
On New Year’s eve, he invited him to watch the first sunrise by the black lake together. Severus refused but James was still learning how to take ‘no’ for an answer and dragged him to the lake anyway.
They spend the first sunrise together and he remembered James all awkward and timid, wrapping a Slytherin green scarf around his neck and stuttering that he thought of him when he saw it in Hogsmeade.
It was warm, so warm.
Severus stands and walks to his drawers, opening the second one and taking out a green scarf.
It’s still warm, so warm it made his vision go blurry.
Was it all a lie?
Was he delusioning himself into thinking that their casual fucking meant something? That he meant something?
That he was lovable? Appreciated? Cared for?
That maybe, maybe he doesn’t have to live alone anymore?
That he won’t die alone?
He digs his face into the scarf.
On Severus’ Seventeenth birthday, a snowy Sunday evening, he decides he doesn’t want to be sober that night.
So he takes the Firewhisky bottle his dorm mates gave him as a birthday present, the scarf James gave —just because it’s cold— and the thickest coat he has and sneaks to the green house.
He drinks half of the bottle, he hates it and what better way to hate yourself than doing the thing you hate the most in this world?
He hates alcohol because of his father, he always became aggressive when he drank. He used his belt, over and over and over again.
Severus doesn’t cry though.
Never cry.
The first thing Tobias ever taught him is that crying is weakness.
His father hated weak people.
Yes I hate you but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to live
The most ridiculous joke Severus ever heard.
Cause no way fucking Potter doesn’t wish him dead.
Probably he just wanted to feel heroic by saving the ugly Snivellus who hates himself so much he wanted to kill it.
Maybe it’s his new method of tormenting him, telling people he’s suicidal, and banning him from suicide so he would keep living through this hell.
That’s more likely it.
He takes his wand, points it at his leg “Sectumsempra” he whispers and blood starts flooding from his leg, he stares at the crimson, warm fluid that’s coming out of his flesh.
Then, in the corner of his eyes, he sees the green scarf.
He remembers James’ face when wrapping it around his neck. ‘I saw it and remembered you, so here you go’ and his smile when Severus accepted his gift
Severus stares at it, his eyes go blurry as tears start falling on his cheeks.
Why would he be that kind to Severus? Why would he do that to him when he knows well that he means nothing to him, to anyone.
Why would he go out of his way to buy him this and be friendly to him?
Why is he playing with his feelings?
And Severus feels so stupid because he started to chase him with his eyes, get uncomfortable feelings in his stomach when he sees him laugh, when he calls him Severus, voice so delicate and soft.
As if Severus meant something to him.
As if.
“Vulnera Sanentur” he whispers and the wounds he caused to himself are now gone, leaving just a pool of his own blood for him to clean.
He drinks another gulp of firewhisky and sighs.
“Severus?” He hears the voice that is now tormenting his days and dreams, but a different kind of torment. A more cruel kind of torment because it makes him think that he’s loved and wanted.
“Bloody hell Severus what happened?” he shouts, running to Severus after probably noticing the blood, “are you hurt? I don’t see any wounds, whose blood is that?” his hands are trembling, patting Severus’ legs making sure he isn’t missing the deadly wound behind all this blood.
“I stopped it” Severus says simply, he looks away from the hazel eyes that are reflecting the moonlight
James sighs deeply, but it doesn't stop the break in his voice when he asks “who did it?”
But Severus doesn’t answer, he takes the bottle again and drinks
“Was it you?” he asks and Severus doesn’t respond again, so James softly takes the bottle from his hand. “You’ve had enough of this for today mate, come on let’s get you checked up.” he tries to wrap his arm around Severus but he flinches away.
“No,” he snaps.
“Severus please I’m worried for you,” James begs but Severus shakes his head, “I don’t need your pity, Potter, leave me alone.”
“I thought we established that I’m not leaving you when I see you need a shoulder.”
“I don’t want your shoulder,” Severus says.
“Have my chest then,” James snaps and wraps his arms around Severus’ neck and drags his face into his chest, Severus tries to fight him, but he’s weak and James’ embrace is so warm, it’s snowing but all Severus feels is ice-melting warmth, he feels it in all his body, his stomach, heart, limbs, eyes and cheeks. He clenches into James’ robs and starts sniffing, trying to stop his tears.
“Shhh it’s okay,” he caresses his hair gently, “I’m here, I’m not going anywhere.”
Liar.
“You can rely on me on this.”
Liar.
“I’m never letting you feel lonely again.”
Lia—
He sobs, he sobs so hard, clenching harder into James robes.
Don’t leave me alone
Don’t hate me
I’m tired of being hated
I’m tired of being alone
I don’t want to be alone
He doesn’t say it, but James hears it “oh I heard today’s your birthday,” he starts, speaking so soft, the hand on Severus’ hair didn’t stop caressing. “Imagine 17 years ago, the world did know that somewhere in the UK the greatest potion’s master to ever exist was born”
Severus doesn’t answer him, but he continues, “the smartest potion master, he even corrects the bullshit written in the notebooks, yes I know cause I watch you during Potion classes and try to copy what you do so I can get an Outstanding. I barely get Exceed Expectations either way.”
Severus’ sobs get quieter.
“My dad is a potion master and I bet he couldn’t do the things you do when he was your age. You’re amazing!”
“You said I’m weird for studying a lot, ruined lots of my potions in your pranks,” Severus mumbles.
“Yeah that's because I’m jealous,” James laughs. “My dad is a great Potion master and I can’t even be one of the top three in potions among my year, that sucks.”
Severus doesn’t answer again so James continues, “Also, I was jealous that Evans liked hanging out with you more than any other Gryffindore, she didn’t talk to me till now, just saying.”
The mention of Lily hurt Severus' heart, he misses her but she doesn’t talk to him either after he messed up last year and called her hurtful things.
“She misses you a lot,” James tells him “she misses you so much, she’s drunk right now because it’s your birthday and she can’t hang out with you, she bought you a birthday present but she’s afraid that you’d reject it after everything that happened.”
Severus' lips wobbled. “liar,” he mumbles, he can’t let him torment him like that, by raising his hopes, only for them to be a lie”
“I swear on my magic that’s not a lie,” James says “it’s time for you two to talk about what happened last year and make up.”
Severus buries himself into James more “She won’t forgive me.”
“And she thinks that you won’t forgive her.”
“There’s nothing to forgive her for.”
“Then it’s the same way with her.”
They both fall silent before James adds, “I hope you two make up. The Marauders are going to behave this time, no more bullying, no more taunting, yeah?”
Severus sniffs and James moves his hands to the sides of his face, pushing him a little to look into his eyes, “I solemnly swear that I will never hurt you again, at least not intentionally, and if I ever do, please hex the shit out of me cause I’ll deserve it.”
Severus opens his now red eyes, tears still spilling.
“And if you ever feel overwhelmed, or wanting to hurt yourself, or kill yourself, please come to me,” he put their foreheads together, “let me help, please don’t go through this alone, you can rely on me and I’m not letting you down, please?”
Severus stares into the hazel eyes, so intense, so warm, so protective.
He’ll blame the alcohol and his weak self later.
But now, he leans and presses his lips into James’.
Its wetness woke him up so he jerked his head, scared, worried.
But James just smiles, pressing a gentler kiss into Severus’ lips, not just a brush.
He withdraws a little and presses a long kiss into his forehead and then hugs him again. “Happy Birthday Sev, thank you for being alive.”
It was the night Severus fell so deeply into James’ trap, the night be believed that he doesn’t need to be hurting anymore.
That he deserves to be alive.
That he can stop the cuts.
That weakness is okay and that he’d be loved either way.
And now, after being clean for two and a half years, Severus takes his wand and casts a Sectumsempra into his left wrist, blood floods from the unhealable wounds until he feels a little bit light headed.
He casts the counter curse.
But what countercurses out there that can heal the unhealed wounds he has all over his body?
Where James touched him and kissed him and treasured him.
He wants to peel his whole skin and remove his heart cause everything in him feels like they belong to James.
Feel like they’re betraying him for wanting to go to the living room and cry into his lover’s chest.
But his lover doesn’t think of him as a lover.
So what is he supposed to do now?