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Kalim's eyes scanned the crowd, anxious and hopeful, searching for the figure with dirty blond hair and a mischievous smile. The man with eyes like precious jewels, who made Kalim's heart beat like a drum in the middle of a parade. The only person Kalim wanted to watch that performance, the man he longed for more than the air itself.
He had promised, something sincere said under the moonlight, that he would be there for Kalim at such an important moment for him. Ruggie swore, between kisses and touches as sweet as honey, that he would listen to the melody composed by Kalim as a declaration of his soul. He wouldn't leave before the music started, not even halfway through while Kalim was too involved with the beats to notice. Ruggie would be there, not because he needed to, but because he cared enough about Kalim to be there at such an important moment for the boy.
Ruggie should be here, in the middle of the noisy crowd with familiar faces, he looked into Kalim's eyes and promised he would listen this time. Kalim, like the fool he was, believed once again in those sweet words spoken by his lips.
"Ready?" A voice echoes in Kalim's ears. Cater, he could suppose, but his friend seemed so distant from Kalim at that moment. It was as if they were in completely different rooms, in worlds far apart from each other.
It seemed that Kalim was alone, locked up, simply imprisoned somewhere, searching for those eyes that brought out a part of himself that the heir had tried for so many years to suppress. Searching for that person who made the world make a little more sense while he was there.
"Ready!" Lilia, Kalim assumes, says excitedly. And then a silence echoes, as if both voices are waiting for something, but nothing comes, not a single sound.
Kalim could see Jamil and Azul talking in the crowd, not caring much about whatever was happening on stage, too caught up in their own little world to care about the event. Silver and Malleus were also there, their eyes definitely focused on Lilia, so excited by the man's appearance that nothing else mattered. He could also see Riddle, Trey, Ace, and Deuce interacting with each other, there were even some of the colorful batons that Cater had insisted on making with them, orange like Cater's favorite color, and soon the twins appear to Riddle's displeasure.
"Kalim?" Someone said, Kalim couldn't tell who, calling for the boy. He didn't answer, so focused on looking for that dark-haired boy. The one who had made a precious promise to Kalim, something the boy believed so faithfully that he spent days rehearsing so intensely that the thin, delicate skin on his fingers ended up bruised.
But he wasn't there. He was nowhere to be found.
Ruggie didn't come.
The spotlights then come on, and as a primal instinct, Kalim's sticks hit the drums with all his energy. It's loud, intense, so strong that it could be compared to an explosion. Kalim had never been so loud, and honestly, for that brief moment, he had never felt so... calm. It was as if his thoughts had been interrupted for a moment by the noise that caused a mild headache.
So Kalim didn't stop.
His movements were more accurate and fluid than in any rehearsal they had ever had. There was no pause, no moment of hesitation, it was as if he were breathing for the first time after a long time drowning. As if the world were spinning again, after spending so many days stuck in a single moment. A storm of emotions, controlled by a god as angry as thunder and as intense as the tides.
Alive. Kalim could affirm it. While his disastrous feelings pounded, screamed, and created explosions that took the breath away from anyone watching, Kalim felt alive. His heart beating to the rhythm of his intensity, as if it were a drum that Kalim himself was beating.
In his own world, those who normally criticized Kalim so much for staying there did not affect him. The sadness, so painful and distressing, became the sound of Lilia's guitar. The anger, so suffocating and overwhelming, became the melody of Cater's bass. And the hurt, so disgusting and viscous, became the sounds of excitement from the crowd screaming so intensely.
Nothing mattered. Nothing needed Kalim's attention.
He smiled, broadly, passionately, so happy with the music around him that he didn't even notice it had ended until his own body interrupted the melody.
Gasping for air, his vision blurred by water, his fingers hurt so much that he doubted he would be able to move them the next day. This was Kalim's state at that moment, while the world around him seemed to become a little more coherent and the spotlight finally seemed to stop blurring his vision.
Once again the crowd became relevant. Jamil and Azul were no longer there, and not even Riddle and Floyd were among the heads Kalim could see. Ace and Deuce shouted happily, waving their own orange batons with big smiles on their faces. Trey and Jade also watched them, less excited but still present. Silver and Malleus shouted from where they were, waving and smiling so excitedly, genuinely focused on Lilia, who waved back at them.
And little by little, the euphoria subsided inside Kalim's chest. The sounds were stifled by the boy's pulsing mind, the world quieting amid his loud, heavy breathing.
Empty. Kalim felt empty. As if all the emotion he had forced out during his show had truly abandoned the boy, leaving a hole in his chest. A hole so ugly that it resembled the empty space in the VIP area. Grotesque, disgusting, stupid.
Kalim wanted to disappear, just for a few moments, until the pain inside him vanished completely. He was being selfish, petty, Ruggie said he would try to show up, but that was no promise. Nothing Kalim should have held on to with such prestige.
He had sensitive ears, of course he wouldn't come to a noisy rock show, it was a selfish request to make. Just as his parents or siblings could never attend any of his performances, Kalim couldn't just expect Ruggie to put his own life on hold to come and watch something like this.
Kalim was so stupid.
Because, why would they care? Isn't like music will be part of Kalim's future, or that he would grow up to be a new rockstar. No, Kalim's destiny didn't align with songs, drums and melodies, that's why Jamil mostly ignore.
It was just a stupid, silly, dream Kalim was living in the moment.
It was a Kalim thing, not a Al Asim thing.
"How about round 2?" Kalim shouts to his friends, smiling excitedly at both of them. Cater and Lilia have a surprised look on their faces, but soon their eyes light up at the idea of playing again and big smiles appear on their faces.
"Let's do it!" They both shout, as intense as Kalim himself, who laughs loudly and methodically before hitting his drums once more.
And he would continue to play, with bleeding fingers and headaches, even if he felt himself getting a little more deaf with each beat. None of that mattered, because for a few minutes he was alive once again, he breathed and shouted loudly as if his body were full of energy.
So Kalim would hold on to that, to that momentary completeness, because that was all a selfish person like him deserved. Just a moment without that emptiness that drowned him in that dark ocean.
For a moment, a measly instant, Kalim pretended that that empty space had someone screaming for him.
Because that's everything he could do.
Pretend