Chapter Text
Adrenaline is a powerful thing. Nico learned that long ago. It will carry you through fear, through injury, push you farther than you thought possible. It's also a bitch when it wears off. He hasn't assessed himself yet- he's still processing the fact that they've won, that it's over. If it was bad enough to warrant his going to the infirmary, he wouldn't be on his feet. At least that's what he tells himself as he stumbles to his cabin, leaning on his sword as if it were a cane. His hands shake as he begins to calm down, and by the time he reaches his cabin, he can barely stand. Tired. He's just tired, that's all.
The door swings shut behind him. No, it's above him- since when was he lying on the floor? His limbs feel like liquid, they won't move. With a start, he realizes that his hands are fading again. Terror seeps into his bones like ice flooding his veins. The darkness. He's afraid of the dark. His room is so dark, jet black without the lights on, and he staggers to his feet, unable to use his hands. His sword stays on the floor.
Somehow he gets the lights on, and then he stumbles the few feet to his bed and falls into it. He can't move again, at least not right now. His arm is throbbing painfully where Reyna stitched him up, and he suspects it's infected. He can barely even blink from the exhaustion, and his ribs scream in protest whenever he breathes. He'll think about it later. He's probably got other injuries, but he can't keep his eyes open. He'll just sleep. Just for a little while...
When he wakes up again, he's shaking violently. A huge weight rolls from his shoulders when he brings his hands up to his face and sees that they're solid, but they're trembling as well and he knows it could happen again at any moment. He's still in danger of dying from over-extending himself. He thinks anything would be better than dissolving into the shadows.
Cold sweat rolls down his face and he realizes he's going into shock. It's all he can do to struggle the blankets over himself and curl into a ball, shivering and sweating. A sharp intake of breath releases in a groan as he feels a stabbing pain in his side. He may have a broken rib or two. His back feels like it's on fire. Claw marks?
Face the pain, he tells himself. It is your burden; your price to pay.
A couple of deep breaths. Then he slips back into unconsciousness again.
"Nico, Nico wake up!"
Concern filled eyes invade his vision as he blinks his own open. He sucks in a breath and then groans in pain. He tries to pass it off as him stretching.
"Wha-?" His voice is croaky. Jason is kneeling by him, looking him over.
"Did you report to the infirmary?" He asks sternly.
Nico panics inwardly. Outwardly he stretches like a cat and rolls his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. Will Solace can be a really bossy pain in the ass."
His grumbling seems to convince Jason, and the other boy grins at the comment. He doesn't know Will, so he doesn't know Nico never talked to Will after the battle was over.
"Are you okay, though?" He asks. "You're on the floor."
Oh. Nico hadn't even noticed, he's grown so accustomed to sleeping anywhere.
"Yeah, they just told me I'm exhausted from shadow traveling too much." He pushes himself up and schools his features into his normal scowl. This is your punishment- your pain.
"Why the floor?"
"I got a little dizzy from exhaustion." The best lies contain some truth. "Will said it might happen and just to rest as much as possible. I'll be okay."
Jason doesn't look overly convinced, and Nico searches desperately for a deflection.
"This cabin is atrocious." Jason's looking around at it with a slight smirk. It doesn't meet his eyes, though.
Nico hesitates. Nothing is crueler than false hope, but- but maybe...
"Jason," he says quietly.
"Hm?"
"You- you can't tell anyone yet because I don't know what this means, but there was something off about Leo's...death. Something I've never felt before."
Jason's eyes flicker with a bit of hope. "Something off?"
"It could be nothing," Nico replies hastily. "I don't want to give you false hope. But it was definitely different."
"We can't find the vial," Jason says excitedly. "Hazel thinks- but we don't know." Nico sees him trying to shut down the wishes in his head. "Time will tell, I guess."
"Yeah." Nico leans against the bed and pretends he isn't out of breath. He's freezing, probably from shock, and he needs Jason to leave. "I need to change. Would you mind- I don't- I don't like people being in the room..." He trails off. It's true, after all. He's never been confident about his lack of muscle definition and the scars- self inflicted or otherwise- littering his pale arms and legs, nearly invisible but still there. He hasn't harmed himself recently because there was no need- he's felt non stop pain since the war began, between the claw marks and fading out and that hunger curling his stomach into knots.
"Yeah- no problem." Jason smiles kindly at him and Nico almost wants to hug him. Almost. "But I came to get you for dinner, so meet me there?"
"Um. Sure."
Jason turns but pauses at the door. "And Nico?"
"Yeah?"
"Will you- would you at least consider staying? Even for a little while?"
"Jason..."
"It's your choice," Jason says sadly. He smiles a melancholic smile. "I don't want you to feel as if you're...trapped here, but we want you here. I want you here, Annabeth wants you here, Piper wants you here...Percy- he wants you here. I know that's a struggle, but he cares-"
"It's fine," Nico cuts him off. "I think I'm ready to- to move on." And he means it. He's growing up, and that means letting go of Percy Jackson. Percy is still a hero in his eyes, but he's a hero with flaws. In a way, Nico loves him more but not romantically. Not anymore. That childish side to Nico is gone.
"That's great, Nico," Jason says, and he sounds sincere. "I mean, you know I have no problem with it. I just think you'll be happier looking elsewhere."
Nico rolls his eyes. "You're such a mother figure."
Jason shrugs helplessly. "Can't change who I am, bro."
Bro. It's such a stupid word, a slang Nico never got used to, but it's Jason being...normal with him. That's how he is with Percy, with Leo. With his friends.
He's turning away again when Nico caves.
"Jason?"
The other boy- his friend- turns with a small smile. "Yeah?"
"I- I'll hang around for a bit. Just to settle some things, maybe redecorate in this godawful cabin."
"It is awful," Jason agrees with a slightly wider smile.
"It's just...tacky," Nico says helplessly.
"So tacky," Jason agrees. "I'll see you at dinner." With a wink and a flash of a smile, he's gone.
Nico nearly collapses with pain once he is free to acknowledge its presence.
It takes him too long to change. Even he is starting to worry. Jason must have assumed the blood coating his shirt was from monsters he'd fought in the battle, and really there is so much that Nico isn't sure how much is his. He can't raise the arm with the infected claw marks, and he has to peel his shirt off with one hand. It sticks to his back, and he realizes his mistake when he checks in a mirror and sees that blood from three deep scratches on his back had clotted and dried to the shirt and were now bleeding freely again. He forces a few deep breaths to accustom himself to the pain in his ribs. He considers himself to have a high pain tolerance, but broken ribs feel like stab wounds, and he's so weak. But he knows the infirmary is full and he isn't dying, probably. Maybe he is, but what would it matter?
He shakes his head to clear his thoughts. He's running low on time, and with trembling hands and a lot of fear, he shadow travels to the back of the infirmary, takes a few supplies, and shadow travels back.
That was a huge mistake. His finger tips go grey and then it starts to spread slowly, his hands turning to mist and shadow. The supplies fall through his hands and clatter to the floor as he fights off a panic attack.
Think, Nico, think. Shadow- light- sunlight-
He has to use his mouth to pull the curtain open, but there's no time for embarrassment. He thrusts his fading hands into the sunlight and waits, his heart hammering in his chest.
It works. It takes up too much precious time, but it works. Nico's afraid that Jason will return to make sure he actually comes, but he almost cries with relief when his hands return to normal. Death he knows- fading into darkness? He doesn't know what happens, where you go. He doesn't entirely know how it feels.
He attempts a shower and then makes quick work of patching himself up. He knows a few tricks, but it's all simple mortal first aid. He takes a bit of ambrosia but he's very cautious and probably underdoses himself. He takes the large roll of gauze and simply wounds it tightly around his chest to cover his ribs and his back. Then he pours some hydrogen peroxide onto the infected cuts. He barely holds back a scream as the chemicals burn like acid, bubbling and foaming on his bicep. He bites down on his cheek and tears stream down his face, but he doesn't make a sound, even when blood fills his mouth. Then he covers that in gauze just in case, because the wounds are pulling the stitches apart. He'll take them out and sew them up again later. For now, all he can do is patch himself up enough to stay together for the evening.
There's such a mess of Greeks and Romans and overlapping gods and goddesses for them to be children of that Chiron gives up and lets disorganization win. Tables are crowded with odd mixtures of demigods who either knew each other before or fought side by side and became acquainted through almost dying together. There's definitely an air of mourning, but there's also the sweet side of the bittersweet taste of victory, and Nico even hears some laughter as he makes his way between tables.
He doesn't think about it until he automatically finds a place between Jason and Hazel at a table that seems to consist of the seven and Reyna- except there's a gaping hole, somehow, where everyone knows Leo would be, taking up too much space for such a small guy and cracking stupid jokes they wouldn't be able to help laughing at anyway. Nico has to admit that he grated on his nerves at first, but he saw bravery. He found the good in Leo too, and he did come to like him over time, despite Leo's wariness of him. Everyone had that- everyone, it would seem, except Jason.
"Hey," Hazel pats his hand affectionately. "You did so good, Nico. I'm so proud to call you my brother."
"Yeah, man," Percy joins in. "Reyna is telling us about your side of the journey. None of this would have worked out without you."
He may be over Percy, at least to an extent, but his opinion still holds weight, and Nico flushes at the praise from them both.
"We almost lost him at one point," Reyna says, apparently continuing her story, and Nico suddenly wants to hide under the table. Everyone is listening to her with close attention, and Jason's eyebrows furrow.
"What happened?" Hazel asks in a small voice.
Reyna doesn't even check with Nico. She knows him too well, and she just plows on with her story.
"He was overusing his powers, and he started to fade."
"Like weaken?" Frank asks, looking confused.
"No, I mean literally fade," Reyna says. "Like his hands were turning into shadows. And then he passed out and I thought he was going to fade entirely."
Jason turns in an instant and grabs Nico's hands, holding them up as if he's inspecting them.
Nico releases a breath he didn't realize he'd been holding when his hands are perfectly solid.
"Sorry." Jason drops them suddenly. "I forgot you don't like that. I just wanted to make sure-"
"It's okay," Nico says, forcing the tremors from his voice. "Coach Hedge patched me up and I got better."
"Thank the gods for Coach Hedge," Percy says in an amused voice, and they all laugh.
Reyna resumes her story, and Nico suddenly realizes that both Greek and Roman demigods are crowding around, a few filling the newcomers in on what they missed. He strongly considers shadow traveling away as the eyes watching him feel too heavy, but he knows Jason would come find him and see him fading. So he's forced to sit there and listen as Reyna paints him as a hero. She leaves out the story about Bryce, probably for both her sake and Nico's, and suddenly everything Nico did sounds selfless and heroic in her words. But he's not a hero. He barely made it. He wanted to give up so many times. He kept Reyna and Coach Hedge back when he passed out for days. He almost made them all fail.
He has no time for further self hatred, however, as Reyna ends her story. By now, everyone had heard about the adventures of the seven. It didn't take more than a couple of hours after the battle for it to start going around camp. But Nico, Reyna, and Coach Hedge's story hadn't circulated. Not yet, at least, but people are already moving on to tell other people and Nico feels like he should jump on top of the table and just shout that wasn't completely accurate. I'm not a hero. But all eyes are already on him, and there is no fear, no disgust, no loathing- it was admiration.
"Reyna- Reyna carried us through," he says weakly. "I never could have made it even halfway without her."
They seem to think he's being humble. Jason pats him on the back like a proud father, and he feels like everyone else is waiting for more from him.
"How are the gashes, by the way?" Reyna asks when she realizes he's too uncomfortable to say more.
"Oh." Nico coughs. "Good. They're bandaged right now."
Reyna nods, looking satisfied.
"Okay, okay," Percy tells the adoring crowd around the table, "you can move along now."
No one seems offended, and the area clears as they all head back to their tables, talking loudly. Nico shoots Percy a grateful look.
"I'm sorry, Nico," Reyna tells him looking entirely unapologetic. "I knew you'd never tell it accurately."
"You didn't either," he protests. Shut up, shut up, his head screams, but the dam has a few cracks and some things slip out. "I almost made us fail. I caused us several precious days worth of time. I slowed you down. And you know what? I wanted to quit. Every single second I thought about how much I wanted to leave, to just go underground and hide like a coward."
"But you didn't," Percy argues. Nico wonders when the older boy became his defendant. "Nico, we all wanted to quit. We all felt like cowards. But bravery isn't having no fear, it's being afraid and still doing what you need to do. The more afraid you are, the braver it is when you push past it."
In some ways, Nico's hero worship of Percy was uprooted by his learning just how childish the other boy could still be. It was with reason- after all, they were all still children- but he had grown up enough to see that side of Percy. But he also sees that side that's grown up too fast as well, and instead of looking up to him for it, he understands it. Percy is sometimes very wise.
"He's right," Jason says. "I think everyone here can agree that we were all terrified."
"I had to walk into a den of spiders," Annabeth reminds them all. "I was ashamed to admit it at first, but I was so scared I wanted to just turn tail and run away. But going through- being in-"
"Tartarus," Percy supplies helpfully. Everyone's faces darken.
"Yeah," Annabeth says softly. "Going through Tartarus just showed me that fear isn't something to be ashamed of, cowardice is. And none of us at this table are cowards."
Nico can't believe that they're all defending him.
"I thought everyone was scared of me," he says, and then he's horrified that he let it slip out.
Hazel smacks his arm gently. "I've never been scared of you, idiot."
"Me neither," Percy says.
Frank speaks up again, shocking Nico. "Look, man, I won't say I wasn't ever afraid. But I think that turned into respect. I have a lot of respect for you, for how powerful you are and for how much you've done in this war. I think that everyone here learned a lesson about you, and that's that if anyone should have that much and that kind of power, it's you, because you use it well."
"I-"
He doesn't show weakness. He just doesn't. But right now his eyes are tearing up.
"You're our friend, Nico," Piper says. "And we're all proud to say it."
And just like that, his whole world shifts. He doesn't know what to do with it, he's scared of it, he doesn't think he deserves it- but he wants it.
He's interrupted by Jason dumping food on his plate.
"Come on, man, you can't live off of apples," he tells Nico. Nico looks at the half eaten fruit in his hand and doesn't know how he can eat any more than even that.
"I'm not hungry," he says, and suddenly everyone's looking at him in concern. "It's-" back track, back track. "I'm slowly introducing food again after- the jar."
Understanding dawns on their faces and suddenly everyone's attention diverts as they start up different conversations and eat their food. Nico is grateful. They don't understand the extent of what he feels in regards to eating, but they know attention makes him uncomfortable.
Jason nudges the plate closer to Nico but doesn't say another word.
He beats a hasty retreat when he spots Will Solace. He's afraid of him for two reasons- the first being that he might let it slip that he hasn't actually treated Nico, and the second being that he was there when Nico let Octavion- when Octavion died. He must think Nico is a monster. He let Octavion die- no, he killed him, in cold blood.
Self hatred washes over him again like an icy bath. He leaves with a promise to meet every one for breakfast and to make sure he gets rest.
He doesn't get a minute of sleep.