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Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you, and I will hold on to you.
Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere.
Buck was standing in the middle of the dance floor, music blasting in his ears, his eyes focused on Eddie. Normally, in a place like this, he would be sitting at the bar, waiting for someone pretty to walk up and offer to buy him something, but instead, his focus was pinned on one person in particular. Eddie was talking to someone, a girl with auburn hair, and a tight brown skirt. Her eyes were flashing with desire, and when the disco lights caught on her irises, Buck had the intrusive thought that he should drag Eddie out of the club and throw him on the curb. The girl, Jillian, had introduced herself to them earlier, back when Ravi was still there, and hadn’t made up some stupid excuse to dip out early. Eddie had barely given her two glances, but now, her hand was on his shoulder, and his fingers were wrapped around her side. Buck was standing in the middle of the dance floor, music blasting in his ears. It was some song that was stupidly repetitive, he remembered Maddie playing it in her bedroom back in PA. The lights seemed synched up to the music, and as the chorus hit again, blue, red, pink, and purple hit everyone around him. A particularly bright red beam ran the distance of Eddie’s body, and Buck closed his eyes.
“All the things she said.
All the things she said.”
Buck opened his eyes again to see the fingers Eddie had on Jillian’s hip curl ever so slightly, and her eyes dipped to his lips. He didn’t want to be watching this, yesterday, when Ravi and Buck had suggested a night out, he hadn’t imagined this. He’d imagined a few drinks, maybe, and then they’d be out of the club and back home.
“Running through my head.
Running through my head.
Running through my head.”
Someone bumped against Buck and didn’t even bother to apologize. His eyes ran down Buck’s body, over the black shirt he was wearing, the dark pants. The man’s blue eyes caught one of the purple flashes.
“All the things she said.
All the things she said.
Running through my head.
Running through my head.”
“Hey, cute thing. Looking for something to bring home?”
“No.” Buck said, far too loud for where they were. A few people around them glanced in his direction, but Eddie was too far away to hear. The man lifted his hands in surrender.
“Geez, sorry, dude. Are you here with someone, or you just don’t like what you see?”
“The latter.” Buck snapped. Truthfully, he had barely given the man a glance, his eyes focused on the lights flashing in his vision, Eddie dancing with the girl. The man scoffed, and shoved past Buck, his shoulder pushing into Buck’s as he made his way off the dance floor. Buck didn’t give a shit, but he couldn't stand there watching anymore. With impeccable timing, his phone went off, and he glanced down to see a text. Chris had been at a sleepover while they were out, but apparently he wasn’t feeling good. Buck saw Eddie's eyes look up, searching for him, but he was already on the curb, grabbing his car. He texted Eddie, and while he didn’t mean for the to be passive-aggressive, he realized after sending it that Eddie would read it that way.
I’ll get him and take him to mine so you can stay.
They’d made a promise a long time ago, not aloud, they never talked about these kinds of things, but in short, Chris was off limits. They could be mad at each other, they could treat each other like shit, but it couldn’t affect Chris. He had to be outside of whatever they had going on, he couldn’t be used to make someone stay, or make someone leave. After Texas, it had been written in stone, a commandment that neither of them could break.
He texted back again, quickly, in a panic. I have a guest room for him that has been collecting dust anyway.
Chris was at the Salazar’s, a family that lived just a few streets away from Buck, so he stopped by and picked up some ginger ale before he got him. Chris walked out to the car slowly, with the help of Mrs. Salazar, and Buck thanked her as he closed the door.
“I hope he feels better. It’s the Christmas Cold I bet, just a shame about New Years, ringing in the year sick.” She frowned and that was the moment Buck remembered what day it was. December 31st. Tomorrow was the first of January, the new year...
He climbed back into the car and turned to hand Chris his ginger ale. “Hey, bud. Your dad is still out, so I’m gonna take you to mine. How does that sound?”
All he got was the trademarked teenage groan and the ginger ale disappeared into the backseat. Buck smirked, driving away from the small suburban house back toward his own place. Chris hadn’t been there a bunch, Eddie didn’t help him move in cause he had family stuff, so he couldn’t come over. Which meant Chris was also left behind. Buck would have loved for them to visit, but they all had such crazy schedules and he couldn’t expect them to still want him. They’d been a pretend family for a while, living together, falling into routines, but ever since Buck moved out, there had been a divide. Maybe that was why he’d left Eddie at the bar.
His guest bedroom had been waiting for a long time, and he was probably way too excited that his kid was sick and got to finally sleep in it. It was just…, he’d decorated it with dinosaurs, because Chris loved them, and the blinds on the window weren’t blackout since he knew Eddie didn’t like waking up in the dark. There was a sound machine in the corner of the room because when Chris was a baby they had lived next to a highway and he was used to the white noise playing while he slept. He’d put so much thought into it, and every time he walked past the closed door in the morning on his way to the kitchen, it was like someone was plunging a cold knife into his heart and twisting it.
Chris crawled out of Buck’s truck, backpack in hand, and Buck took it from him as they walked up to the door together. Chris’ eyes were wide, staring at the Christmas dinosaur that was sitting on his front porch. Buck pretended he didn’t see him staring as he sank his key into the lock and twisted. His house was warm, a curl of hot air twisting around them as they stepped into the building. Chris stared at the ceiling, covered with soft multicolored lights, the Christmas tree visible in the living room.
“Are you hungry, or do you just want to go to sleep?” Buck asked, shouldering Chris’ backpack on his own body, turning to look down at the boy with curly hair, who looked awfully familiar. When Buck was younger, his hair had been straight, he didn’t know when it started to get curly. Probably when he finally left home, but now, watching Chris' hair swirl like his own. It made him realize how much he saw the kid as his own. When people who didn’t know Buck wasn’t Chris’ actual dad told them they looked alike, he realized he never corrected them.
Chris shook his head, blinking slowly, and Buck nodded, not even needing confirmation for what he was trying to say. “Alright, sleep it is. Here, your room is just down the hall, you crawl in and I’ll get you a fresh ginger ale and some saltines. For later.” He opened the door, setting the backpack inside against the wall, and then he was off, rushing down the hall into the kitchen. He grabbed some saltines from the counter, and put the rest of the drinks in the fridge before grabbing a napkin and a trashcan. Chris was under the covers, his big blue eyes dancing around the room. Buck clicked on the noise machine, and the nightlight, a small globe shaped thing on the dresser that printed blue and green stars on the ceiling.
“I know you have glow-in-the-dark stars back home, but I can’t put anything permanent on the walls here. Are you comfy? I’m going to leave these here.” He set the items on the nightstand, opening Chris’ backpack to take out the book he knew would be there. He smiled at the beat-up copy of Percy Jackson, slipping the back of his hand onto the boy’s forehead. No fever, thank god.
Chris still hadn’t answered his question, so Buck turned to him, his fingers brushing against the bookmark in the pages, but his focus was pinned to the sky, the galaxy swirling as the globe turned, and Buck watched the first tear slip down his face. He was at his side in a minute, pushing the trash can he’d set beside the bed out of the way so he could kneel in front of Chris.
“Hey, is there something off?” The Diaz boys, Buck had learned, never liked to admit when there was something wrong. They preferred for people to think there was never something wrong, not with them, not with other people, not with the world. He learned to never ask “what’s wrong?”, he’d heard nothing one too many times. Chris sniffled, and Buck felt awful, crying when you were sick was no fun. He worried that maybe this was too much, and he should have taken Chris back to Eddie’s house. He’d just thought… he didn't want to be in Eddie’s house right now, without the man whose body took up so much of the building. He couldn’t walk through the hallway knowing that years ago, they had both walked down it together, after Eddie got shot. He’d figured that right now, Chris needed his dad, and he was the closest thing to that.
“I-I just don’t know why Dad doesn’t like you anymore.”
Oh.
“W-Why would you say that, bud?” Even as he said it, part of him faltered, because Chris wasn’t crazy for noticing the space that had grown between them. No matter how hard Buck and Eddie tried, Chris was too smart to not notice anything. Buck just hated that he’d been carrying the confusion for so long without asking.
“Y-you have this room for both of us, and you have a globe with stars because you know I like stars. You have dinosaurs on the sheets and a dinosaur figure on the shelf.” There was also a small telescope on the shelf, because Chris liked space, and there was a record from one of Eddie’s favorite bands, but Buck didn’t say anything. “There’s a sound machine, and shitty curtains-” Buck let him curse, because he’d never been the responsible one, that was always Eddie. “All this, and we’ve never been here. I wanted to help you unpack, and then Dad said we had things to do. And Abuela died, so I thought he was just sad…but he’s still at the bar right now. You left him there and came and got me because he found someone. Someone who isn’t you.”
Shit.
“See? He doesn’t like you anymore, and I wanted you to be my new dad.” Chris ran his arm under his nose, the light blue hoodie he was wearing collected his tears, and Buck stood to grab a pack of tissues from the nightstand. He handed one to Chris with a sad smile.
“Chris, I won’t try to make up excuses for your dad, or try to pretend that I know what he’s thinking, but I will say-” Buck’s sad smile sat on his face while he spoke, and he wished he could tell Chris that nothing could ever come between them, because things had. There had been Taylor, and Ali, Tommy, and Marisol, and now Jillian, random people from the past that seemed to just keep pushing them together. Buck would stand there and wait, but Eddie would just pull back again. “He’s been through a lot. Decisions that he was supposed to be making all these years were made for him. I know he doesn’t regret any of them, he loves you, and loves being a firefighter. He loves being in LA, or Texas, or wherever you are. Now, he’s just learning to make decisions for himself, and you know what we always say? About school?”
Chris faltered for a moment, so Buck helped him out.
“You have to make a million little mistakes, everyday, so that eventually you can go all day without making one. Right now, it may seem like every single decision your dad is making is wrong, but he’s just trying to find the right answer.” Buck didn’t know if Chris would care, if he was even listening to him, but it was true. Kids had a tendency to think that their parents were faultless, and Chris still needed to learn that lesson. That they weren’t, that they were just bigger kids trying to do everything right.
“But does it make you sad? That you are the right decision and he isn’t making it?” It landed like a punch to Buck’s body, and he was overwhelmed with the need to get out. To run. Because it spread through him like tar, dragging down all the tiny excuses he had been making for Eddie’s behavior. He’s just busy. He’s mourning. He has Chris to worry about. He’s adjusting to being a paramedic. The walls Buck had built around his feelings for Eddie, the cage he had trapped them inside burst open and Chris’ words had been the wrecking ball. Buck sat frozen like that for a long time before he pressed a kiss to Chris’ forehead (he still didn’t have a fever) and pulled away with a soft, fond smile on his face. It was laced with regret, and guilt, and sadness, but it was dark, and teenagers couldn’t see that deep. Not right now. Not yet.
“It doesn’t make me sad. Do you know why?”
Chris shook his head, his blue eyes shimmering with leftover tears, and Buck skimmed his thumb along his cheeks, collecting them as they fell. “Because we may be sitting here thinking I am the right decision, but we’ll never know. Not really. You can never know what path someone else is on, where it leads, and you can’t force them onto yours just because it makes you sad. I can’t force him onto mine just because I’m walking it alone. Besides, I have you, and you are the best decision I ever made.”
Chris’ eyes dried up, and now, he just looked sad. “I promise I won’t say anything, but can you tell me if dad is making you really sad? And maybe we can… we can do something just us? So you don’t have to see him that day.”
“Of course. I’d like that… goodnight.” Buck stood up, turning to see the dark room, the stars chasing each other around on the ceiling. He smiled, and closed the door, releasing the knob and turning to head into the kitchen. He had just taken a step down the hall when he saw him. Eddie, standing a few feet away from the door, tears falling down his face, his chest heaving. His jacket was wrapped up in one of his hands, but it fell to the floor when he saw Buck. His mouth was open, dragging in deep breaths like he was trying to calm himself down. Buck just stood there, his body just outside of the room, he could hear Chris start snoring inside.
“He gets that from you.” Eddie whispered, and the words fell into the heavy atmosphere that had surrounded them. Buck’s mind translated the words, moving through the mud in his mind, his panic that Eddie had heard their whole conversation. He snores like you.
“I’m gonna hope you didn’t hear any of that.”
The look on Eddie’s face told him he had, and Buck quickly fixed the walls Chris had knocked down. He steeled himself, ready for Eddie to tell him he’d be back in the morning to pick up his son before he left.
“Do you really hope I didn’t hear that?”
Buck shrugged, because of course he hadn’t wanted him to hear that, but Eddie had, and nothing was going to undo that. Not now, not ever. They were living in a world that was left over after Buck talked to Chris. He had to face that now. He didn’t trust his mouth though, not after the bar, the dancefloor, the lights, Jillian. He was tempted to just sidestep Eddie and leave him in the hallway, leave him in the past as the clock ticked over to January 1st. To a brand new year, free of mistakes.
Eddie took a step forward, and Buck took a step back. He only had a few more feet to retreat before he hit his bedroom door, but he took another anyway. He didn’t know why, but being close to Eddie right now… he just couldn’t. “You really would have lived like that? Watching me live my life, and walk down my goddamn path and never say anything? Never tell me?” Eddie had stopped crying, but the scars of tears were still on his face, his voice was still dripping in emotion, his jacket was still on the floor. The world kept spinning, and it would continue, even after Buck lost everything important to him.
Buck opened his mouth to say something, and forced the words to leave his lips. “Of course I would have.” He shook his head, a little sadly, because by now, everyone knew Buck laid his life down for those he loved. He was just hoping Eddie wouldn’t pull him up off the road and pretend to want him so he would stop making himself bleed over and over. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. “You heard me, you heard him, we’re both being understanding, we both understand. Do you?”
“No. I don’t, Buck. Because why in God’s name would you resign to being my best friend instead of asking me if I would ever want to be more?” Eddie looked angry, and upset, and annoyed, and frustrated, and part of Buck thought it wasn’t pointed at him. Like Eddie was feeling all of those things about himself.
Buck threw up his hands and took another step back. His back, still in his black shirt and black pants, hit his bedroom door. It wobbled a little at the weight of him leaning against it, but he didn’t care, his legs couldn’t hold him anymore. “Do I have to remind you that you're not gay, Eddie? That less than an hour ago you were hanging off the body of another girl?”
“She told me I was in love with you!” Eddie cried, his voice still hushed, since he was standing right outside of Chris’ door. He looked to his left, saw the door, and then inched closer to Buck. “She watched me watch you leave, and she asked me if I knew. And I didn’t know what she meant and she just smiled and said ‘you’re in love with him’ like it was so fucking obvious. Then she drove me here because you took the car and left me there!”
Buck just stared at Eddie, his eyes wide, his hair messy, his body giving up. He was scanning every part of his face, and he saw the moment in Eddie’s eyes where he gave in. Saw the millisecond of doubt, before he shook his head sharply, just once, and took three more steps forward. Buck thought he was going to punch him, but instead, his fingers wrapped around the doorhandle, and Buck fell backward. An arm swept up to keep him standing, and then pulled him inside, ever so silently, before the door fell closed again.
They were standing in his bedroom, Buck pinned against the door, Eddie standing in front of him, his grip on Buck’s wrists as he raised them above his head. Buck thought he might pass out, but then Eddie leaned down to his ear. His words fell like hot coals against Buck’s skin, and a shiver ran down his spine unconsciously.
“You’ll always be the right decision, Buck, and I’m making it, right now. I promise that I’ll love you our whole lives, for longer even. You’re not a mistake I have to make so that I avoid it in the future, you’re a choice I am deciding to make at this very moment. To have and to hold.” Goosebumps traveled up and down Buck’s neck as Eddie’s lips brushed against his ear. Buck couldn’t breathe, every time he did, when his lungs refilled, they ran into Eddie’s, and the heat and the pressure spreading through his body made him dizzy. The desire to shove forward and give in to it all was in his veins, letting every part of his body know how badly he wanted Eddie Diaz. His mouth fell open to take in a shallow breath, and apparently Eddie decided he was Mr. Decisions because he surged forward and his lips landed on Buck’s.
Buck met him with a moan, leaning into it, and he ripped his hands out of Eddie’s grip so he could run his fingers through brown messy hair. With Eddie’s hands free, they snaked inside of Buck’s shirt, pushing the black button-up off of his body. It fell to the floor like a feather, and Buck didn’t even process that it was gone before he was moving one hand to cup around Eddie’s neck. He turned his head, changing the angle, and slipped his tongue into Eddie’s mouth. He tasted like maraschino cherries, like sweet new beginnings and a new chapter for their story. Eddie groaned in the back of his throat and stepped in between Buck’s legs, his knee moving up to press, hot and firm, against Buck’s body. His mouth fell open again, and Eddie moved, kissing his way down Buck’s neck. If his lungs weren’t working before, they really weren’t working now. His voice came hushed, kiss-drunk and breathy.
“I love you, Eddie. Fuck, I love you.”
“I’m gay.” Eddie whispered back, and Buck, lost to the world, lost to Eddie’s fingers trailing around the skin on his hips, just nodded. If he’d had control of his mind, he might have murmured back a broken “duh”, but he was long gone. “I was just trying to figure my shit out, and my body wouldn't let me have you. Not until I knew I wouldn’t be hurt.” Eddie’s fingers pinched at Buck’s sides and a wave of pleasure rose to the top of his skin. Buck held his bottom lip in his teeth, trying to not wake up the sick kid sleeping feet away.
“I-It’s fine. I mean it, I would have died a little bit every day for you, Eddie.”
“You don’t have to.” The determination in Eddie’s voice went straight down Buck’s body to the very bottom. It was a wave that crashed right where Eddie's knee was pressed. “Not anymore.”
Buck picked his head up off of the door where it had fallen and he was about to drag Eddie back down to his lips, when his phone began to buzz in his pocket. His eyebrows fell down in the middle and Eddie stepped away. Buck growled, reaching out and pulling him back, answering the call from Maddie.
“Hey?”
“HAPPY NEW YEAR!” Maddie cheered, Chimney and Jee’s voices were screaming behind hers, loudly, and he held the phone away from his ear for a moment. His eyes flickered down to the time, 12:00am on January 1st.
“Yes! New Years! Yayy!” Buck murmured, trying to sound like he’d been completely and utterly on earth. Like he hadn’t been drifting away from the living world, unraveled under Eddie’s fingertips. He’d been very much on the earth.
“You’re drunk aren’t you?” Maddie’s voice dropped to her motherly tone and he smiled, even though she couldn’t see him.
“Bye, Maddie!”
He hung up on her, and threw his phone on the bed before pulling Eddie back down to his mouth. “Well, happy new year, Eddie.” They both giggled, mouths stealing kisses as they tripped back onto the bed.
“This isn’t how I thought I would start the new year.” Buck whispered, looking up at Eddie, his best friend’s brown irises traveling over his body. Eddie just smiled, pulling Buck’s shirt off him, and discarding his own at the foot of the bed. He hmm’d, the rumble of it moving through Buck’s body as Eddie’s mouth landed back on his collarbone.
“Not a bad way to end the last one though.”
There's glitter on the floor after the party. Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor.
You and me, forevermore.