Work Text:
| CAREERS | ||
|---|---|---|
| DOG WALKER, HOMEWARD HELLHOUNDS. Must be able to handle canines of all sizes, temperaments, abilities, and alignments. Previous experience with bicephalic and tricephalic animals is a plus. Must NOT allow dogs to herd lost souls, possess humans, or bring about the end of the known world during walks. | MUSE, DIVINE INSPIRATION. Do you have hundreds of ideas for novels, poems, scripts, screenplays, and songs, but never enough time to write them all? Have you ever been described as a “conceptualist” or “ideas guy”? Why not become a Muse and bestow all of your fabulous thoughts upon a favoured mortal! | OPTOMETRIST, OPHANIM OPTICIANS. Local business specialising in crafting bespoke glasses and contact lenses for the multiocular. Candidates must have a Bachelor in Heavenly Vision and 100 years experience at minimum, Master of Celestial Optometry preferred. BE NOT AFRAID, apply today! Call 111-5555-888. |
 |
DEITY, BRAND NEW PANTHEON. Tired of your aspect, looking for a change of epithet, or ready to progress from Minor to Major God? Come see if there is a suitable spot for you in our new pantheon! We are an equal opportunities employer, all chthonic and ouranic deities are welcome to apply. |  |
| EDUCATION / HOBBY | ||
|---|---|---|
| ASTRONOMY & HERBOLOGY TUTORING. Unravel both the mysteries of the universe and the secret language of plants in this series of informative and engaging lessons. Group and one-on-one tutoring available. Important: Prospective students must not be susceptible to hypersensitivity pneumonitis. | SING IN THE ANGELIC CHOIR. Seeking the full range of SATB voices; all genders and orders encouraged to apply. Must be able to enter the Kingdom of Heaven in order to attend practice. Join now and be ready to perform for the carol season, our most popular and festive time of the year. Hallelujah! | PROPHECIES WITH PIZZAZZ. Are your sibylline visions often dismissed for being too shallow, vague, or lacking apocalyptic oomph? We “predict” that you will get a lot out of this exciting new course, where we teach everything from astromancy to zygomancy. No need to call, we’ll know when we’re needed. |
| REAL ESTATE | ||
|---|---|---|
| PRISTINE TEMPLE. Situated upon a prime spot on the leylines and bathed in Mediterranean sunshine, this gorgeous white marble temple would be best suited for an up-and-coming sun, light, or fire deity. Includes a trained Head Priest and approximately 100 eager worshippers. Act fast, this won’t last! | HOLIDAY HOME IN HELL. Recently renovated and fully furnished, located on a private estate in the verdant fields of the First Circle of Hell, offering fantastic views of the Castle of Limbo. Get away from it all and spend as little or as long as you desire – after all, you wouldn’t be trapped here for all eternity! | INCREDIBLE CAVE SYSTEM. Excellent range of large and small interconnected caves. Would make a fabulous lair for the demonically-inclined, a cosy hideaway for primordial divinities, or a nice personal resurrection spot. Willing to sell separately or wholesale, or for long/short-term rent (3 days minimum). |
 |
| VEHICLES | ||
|---|---|---|
| 1750-BCE TWO-WHEELED PURE GOLDEN CHARIOT. 10,057,833,574km. Used once a day for light travelling between Ethiopia and Hesperides. Well-loved and in excellent condition, featuring comfortable leather padded seating for one. 4 x WINGED HORSES NOT INCLUDED. Summon Hermes to send queries. | 2400-BCE GOPHER WOOD ARK. 300 cubits x 50 cubits x 30 cubits. Ideal for long voyages, has successfully completed a 40-day cruise. 3 decks provide room for family, pets, and belongings. Perfect for any doomsday prepper worried about rising water levels. Attach enquiries to the leg of a white dove. | |
 |
1567 WIND FIRE WHEELS. Confiscated from unfilial son after attempted patricide. Exquisitely crafted, suited for both melee combat and flight. Purchaser must be able to wield fire magic in order to enjoy full benefit. Yāoguài need not apply; all requests will be denied. Send enquiries via heavenly crane. |  |
| FOR SALE | ||
|---|---|---|
| TOTALLY NORMAL ARTEFACT. Recovered from the tomb of an unknown Pharaoh, this gorgeous golden trinket is sure to become the centrepiece of any display! (DISCLAIMER: In the unlikely event you become “ill”, suffer from “bad luck”, or “die” after obtaining this artefact, I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE.) | ORNATE BRAGAFULL. No feast would be complete without glogg or mead, and what better way to drink it than from the horn of a mighty aurochs? Raise a toast to the mighty gods and celebrate your latest war victory in elegance and style with this personalised drinking horn. Located in Valhalla Springs. | THE DEVIL’S INSTRUMENT. Violin in immaculate condition, crafted from exquisite dark marple and authentic “catgut” strings. Includes bow. Legend has it that the owner of this violin will perform music that stirs the very soul, but beware – mastery may come at a price. Email [email protected]. |
| INSTANT WORSHIP KITS. Get Blessed Quick, specialising in everything from holy water, to incense, to miniature clay tablets – for inscribing Commandments on the go! We are here to help you get into your god’s good (holy) books ASAP. Great discounts available on bulk orders. Visit www.getblessedquick.com. |  |
| TOUR & TRAVEL | ||
|---|---|---|
| JOURNEY TO THE CELESTIAL REALM. One day exclusive tour. Meet the handsome steeds of the Imperial Stables, delight in the sweet fragrance of the Peach Garden, and marvel at the twinkling lights in the River of Heaven. PLEASE NOTE: No apes, monkeys, or “““Great Sages””” will be permitted to attend.) | BACK TO THE BEGINNING. A unique opportunity to take a time travel trip to genesis itself. Big bang? Creatio ex nihilo? The marriage (and subsequent divorce) of earth and sky deities? Find out what REALLY happened. Includes all transportation, accommodation, and a 99.98% chance of returning to normal era. | VOYAGE DOWN THE RIVER OF OATH. (Open to the not-dead for a limited time only.) Take a trip through the infamous levels of Hades – including Elysium, Asphodel, and Tartarus – guided along the River Styx by the incomparable ferryman Charon himself! Please ensure you bring your 1 Obol for payment. |
 |
 |