Chapter Text
Steve didn’t know how to live with it, so he just didn’t.
He didn’t go to his funeral. Still not being able to accept the truth.
Every time he heard someone in town talk about what happened he just dissociated. He couldn’t handle what really happened.
And just maybe if he kept telling himself that nothing happened, it would all be okay.
So that’s what he did. Kept lying to himself until he started to believe it.
Until he started to believe that he was still alive.
Steve curses at himself for still not being able to even think about his name.
It hurts too much. So he avoids the name at all costs.
Steve stopped hanging out with Dustin, because the younger boy talked about him so much.
And if there’s anything Steve doesn’t want to do right now, it’s talking about him.
Maybe it was selfish.
He knows it isn’t fair for Dustin, trust him, he feels really bad. He just can’t do it.
Can’t pretend like he didn’t know him really well.
Can’t act like this whole situation makes him scared, angry and sad.
Can’t pretend like they weren’t friends.
Maybe even more than friends.
It’s just too much.
Everything is too much.
So he decided to push it all away.
Ignore his feelings, and ignore the fact that it even happened at all.
–
He decided to go to work, -he had a part-time gig at the Family video store with Robin- even though he definitely wasn’t ready to do so. Proven by the event that happened while he was at work.
It was the first time he was confronted about his weird avoidant behaviour.
“Steve, what the hell is going on with you?” Robin asked after the customer Steve refused to talk to or even look at had left the store in a confused state.
“What do you mean?” Steve asked begrudgingly. He knew what she meant, he just didn’t want to be confronted about it, or talk about it. He had always hated talking about his feelings.
“The way you just refused to talk to that customer? I know the way he looks he doesn’t exactly fit your norm, but you can still help him. Correction, you still need to help him because it’s your job, Steve.” Robin said in her little know-it-all voice. Steve wanted to tell her so badly, tell her about all the things they had done together, about how he loved him so dearly it hurt to even think about him.
“I didn’t not talk to him because he looks different! I was also friends with Ed-” he stops himself. He can’t do this.
“You mean Eddie? What is this deal with you not saying his name? I know you didn’t like him but this seems like a bit much…” Robin kept on rambling, but Steve’s mind tuned her out.
No,
No!
NO!
Too much. Too loud. Too bright.
The room started spinning and his vision started to blur. His throat closed up and he forgot how to breathe.
Shit, shit, FUCK.
He felt Robin’s hand glide in his and he could see her moving her face in front of his. Her mouth was moving but he couldn’t hear her words. He closed his eyes. Too much.
He didn’t know how long he was in this state. It felt like hours but it also felt like it passed in the blink of an eye.
Slowly but surely, Robin’s voice became louder.
“Breathe, Steve."
He didn’t want to.
“It’s okay, I’m here.”
Was it okay, though?
“Breathe, It’s okay, Steve.”
Steve thought about the time Robin talked about when she had an attack like this, and how she had gotten out of it.
“I told myself I needed to start focusing on breathing, I could do it through pursed lips. I needed to remind myself that I wasn’t in danger and that it was just temporary.”
He replayed that conversation they had in his head over and over following Robin’s steps until his throat opened up, his vision started to unblur again and he felt the air run through his lungs.
“Steve, you dingus!" Robin called out when Steve got a grasp on reality again. “You scared me to death.” Robin cries out before embracing him.
He couldn’t hug her back. He was too weak. Still not over what caused this weird attack.
God, he had become such a wimp.
“What happened?” He croaked out. He sounded so weak, if Danny -his father, if you could even call him that- could hear him right now he would probably get a beating for ‘not being a real man.’
“You had a panic attack, Stevie. I don’t know what caused it. Was it something I said?” Robin asked, always being an empath.
Steve froze up at that nickname. He used to call him that.
He stopped himself. Still unable to face the truth.
“No, I don’t know what caused it either, weird huh?” Steve lied, hating how easy it slipped off his tongue, trying to grin but it didn’t look right.
“Okay then…” Robin said, still unsure about if it really wasn’t something she had said.
“Robs, really, it’s not your fault.” Steve assured her. Technically, it wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know. No one did.
No one could know.
Even though Robin liked girls, she couldn’t know.
“I think you should go home, Steve. I’ll cover the rest of your shift. I know you might not want to talk about it right now, but if you ever want to talk about what happened you can always talk to me, okay?” Robin said in this soft tone of hers that Steve didn’t like at all. He wasn’t a child, he didn’t need to be spoken to like he was a time bomb that could go off at any moment.
Even though he kind of was.
And even though he just went off.
–
He didn’t want to go home, but he couldn’t stay at his work anymore. Made Steve think of him. He used to wait for Steve after his shift so that they could spend time together.
He could feel the tears starting to form again. When did he become so soft?
He didn’t want to go to his house. His parents were never home so it would be too silent. He used to appreciate the silence, the one thing in his life he could control.
Until he came.
He always filled the silence, with laughter, jokes or his rambling.
Now he hated the silence.
Hated the weight it carried.
His throat started to close up when he realised that without realising he had walked to his own house.
He weighed out his options.
Sleeping outside, which was cold and dangerous.
Going to a friend's house, which, right now he could only go to Dustin’s but all Dustin could do was talk about him and how amazing he was.
And right now, that was the last thing he wanted.
His last option was to go inside and deal with whatever emotions came with that.
He decided that even though he didn’t want to, going inside was his best option.
He took a deep breath and unlocked the door to step inside.
When he opened the door and flicked on the light, he had to close his eyes.
Everything he saw reminded Steve of him.
The stairs they had held each other on.
The coat rack where his battle jacket still hung.
That one hurt the most.
Steve never got to return it.
He stopped his thought train.
It was fine.
Why wouldn’t it be?
Nothing happened.
He was still here.
He ignored the way his vision started to blur and his hands started to shake so hard he could barely close the door.
Steve didn’t even try to go into his room.
Instead, he beelined to the couch, not wanting to see anything more that would remind Steve of him.
He laid down on the couch, not even turning the lights off. He couldn’t sleep in the dark. Not anymore.
–
He didn’t sleep much. Kept waking up screaming, reliving the moment when he found out.
He couldn’t handle it.
Stopped trying to sleep at 5 AM, barely having slept an hour.
He tried to make breakfast but the memories all came flushing back.
So, instead, he went for a run.
Danny bought him running shoes a while ago, when he said he needed to participate in more sports. Apparently, basketball wasn’t enough for him. Nothing Steve did was good enough for him.
He put them on without changing his clothes or taking a shower. Not wanting to relive anymore memories.
He ran until his legs gave out, until his vision started to spin, his breathing became stuttered and he couldn’t feel anything more except pain.
When his legs gave out, he fell to the floor and was able to soften the fall with his palms so he wouldn’t fall with his face in the pavement.
He could feel the tears coming again but he stopped them.
Steve was not about to cry again.
He had already cried so many times in the past few days, probably more than he had ever cried in his entire life.
It was weak.
This needed to stop.
He needed to stop this.
He got in a more comfortable position and started to think.
For a solution, because he couldn’t do this any longer.