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How to Cuss like You're from Earth: First Edition - 3

Summary:

Pidge has the mouth of a sailor, and try as he might, Shiro can't get them to stop. Why fight it when you could teach everyone else how to?

And Allura has one of the most satisfying experiences of her entire life.

Notes:

Inspired by a meme.
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No...I'm not sorry :)

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

"Fuck! Stupid alien tech computers and their stupid, illogical, ridiculous, piece-of-shit power sources!" Pidge cradles her hand to her chest, glaring at the bastardized game console of her own creation.

"Language!"

"The bitch shocked me, Capsicle!" Hunk hands Pidge one of the pillows from down in the in-deck sitting area.

"Whatever is a 'Capsicle'?" Coran's question is met with a gasp of offended shock from Lance. "What? You kids all swear like you're a newfangled team of Gagola Busters from Xlacis VI!"

"How have we been fighting a space war for almost a year and not shown you the cultural treasure that is the MCU?!" Lance grabs Coran's wrist, "Where's Allura? We all need to binge the MCU. Right now!"

 

"That would take more than ten cycles, or eight Earth days." Pidge has recovered from her minor electrocution and returned to brutalizing the poor wires of a CD player to get them to connect with the Castle. "Pidge, you need to pay up. The swear jar exists for a reason." Shiro holds out a hand.

"No way Dad! You never made Matt or me pay before! That was actually for you!" Pidge points at the Black Paladin like a prosecuting lawyer.

Allura swipes at her eyes, pulled along by Lance, who is setting up his phone to show the Alteans the wonders of the MCU, "Paladins! Quiet down, I have been trying to sleep for Vargas! Pidge, the mice take better care of the wires than you do! please, I just want some sleep," She pleads.

"Are we not going to address the cursing epidemic?" Shiro raises his voice to be heard over the four different conversations.

*****

"So, Fuck is a pretty close equivalent to Quiznak, from what I can tell. It can be used in pretty much any part of speech." Pidge writes the word on the shiny castle wall with an EXPO marker. Drawing a few lines off of it. "It can be used as a verb in which case, it either means sex-" 

"EWWWW!" Lance shrieks and falls backwards into Keith, who promptly and violently removes the Blue Paladin from his personal space. Hunk chuckles at the display while Lance sits back up like the moles in Whack-a-Mole. 

"-or to beat someone, that includes at a game or literally beating the shit outta somebody. Hence the phrase 'Fuck 'em up,'" They draw a crude set of stickfigures engaged in a round of fisticuffs and a scribbled out black rectangle. "Shit is a synonym for poop, or stuff or things. IE: 'look at this shit,' or 'What is that shit,' or 'I'm gonna take a shit."

"We also have damn, which isn't even really a swear. It's in regards to a popular religion on Earth where something being 'damned' meant it was going to the Bad (tm) Afterlife. So 'damn' is mostly for emphasis or saying something his bad and should go to Hell. Hell is the aforementioned Bad (tm) Afterlife. We also have 'Bitch', the actual meaning of the word refers to a female dog, but it is generally used as an insult to women. It can also be a friendly thing, like being fake rude to your friends. Lance and Keith are a perfect example of this." Pidge draws a dog with the female symbol next to it, an angry-looking girl, and two scribbled patches of red and blue.

"Does anyone want to try?" They offer, much like a teacher.

*****

"Hey, Haggar! Fuck off and leave the universe alone, you piece of shit, cocksucking, mother fucking, planet-killing, mass-murdering, war criminal, bitch!" The literal dark mistress of the actual-fucking-universe blinks, momentarily stunned, "Godsdamn, that felt good!" Allura smiles to herself and brings her staff up and over her shoulder like a baseball bat and hits the Witch-Bitch in the face. Satisfying, yes, that is what she'd call it."

Notes:

I actually wrote his several years ago, so you can probably tell by writing has improved since then. This made me chuckle so I hope my old ass cringy work makes you smile <3

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