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The sex isn't very good.
Well – it's not that the sex is bad, really; it's just frustrating. They both always get off, it's pleasurable enough, all of the baseline expectations are met, but still Rei is… unsatisfied. Frustrated. With himself. Shuuichi isn't the problem, even if Rei would like to blame anyone other than himself.
The issue is that he would like to be – doing more, though he's not really sure what. He tries; sometimes, like tonight, he takes charge of things, climbing on top of Shuuichi and riding him until his hip and thigh scream at him to stop, to lie down, to rest – and then he keeps going. He pushes himself so hard that he has to spend the next twelve hours – at least – recovering, stretching his damaged muscles when he can manage it, but otherwise putting as little pressure on it as possible.
And it's not worth it, because even those times, it's not like the sex is mind-blowing. Rei used to be good at sex; he has more than enough experience to remind him that he's never been inadequate in this area before – not until his injury.
He flinches at the phantom feeling of rebar tearing through his clothes and his flesh until it meets bone, scraping harshly, as he can't even muster screams of agony. Forcibly dragging himself back to the present, he rolls over and vomits into the trashcan they keep by his side of the bed for just these occasions, right on top of the condom they'd just thrown in. Even more than two years later, the memory of lying under the rubble, bleeding, barely conscious, with that steel bar tearing into him is so incredibly vivid that, sometimes, it still feels like he's back there.
He remembers thinking that Matsuda would probably be disappointed in him, dying from a bomb and all, before he blacked out. When he regained consciousness, he was in the hospital, hooked up to so many machines it made his head spin. Apparently, on top of what he actually remembers, the same leg had been crushed by the heavy debris, breaking and fracturing in multiple places. He'd undergone surgery and survived an ugly infection, all while he was under for – he can't quite remember. Days, probably, or maybe a week. He was lucky to be alive, the doctors had told him. He still isn't sure how to feel about that.
They'd also said he'd be lucky to walk on his own again, given the extent of his injuries, but he'd been as aggressive as was allowed with his physical therapy. Now, he's walking himself to the grocery store and back every week, and it only hurts a little by the time he arrives home. If nothing else, at least he has that to keep him going.
Shuuichi had been there, too, at his bedside when he awoke, and he just never left. He'd moved himself and Rei into an apartment together once Rei was released from the hospital. Unable to secure a ground-floor unit, he'd had to carry Rei up the stairs back when he couldn't make it up on his own – Rei's pride has yet to recover from that particular indignity.
"Rei?" Shuuichi asks, a gentle hand returning to cleaning Rei with a washrag as he turns back over. It's too much; he can't handle the coddling right now.
"Shower," Rei grumbles, pushing himself up and attempting to get off the bed. His leg, the muscle already strained, burns from pain, but he does his best to ignore it, only stumbling a little as he stands.
Shuuichi, of course, is right by his side in an instant, attempting to steady him, helpful and sweet and overbearing as ever. "At least let me help you."
"I've got it!" Rei snaps, shrugging him off, patience gone. He's already humiliated enough; the last thing he needs right now is to be treated like he's made of glass.
He limps his way to the restroom, pausing briefly to rinse his mouth and brush his teeth, ridding himself of the acrid bile taste, before continuing on to the shower, where he presses one hand against the wall to keep himself upright until he's ready to sit on the bath stool.
Normally, he showers quickly, cleaning himself and getting out to dry off; tonight, however, he sits with his thoughts, unmoving and a little numb. The flash of defiant anger from earlier is gone now, washed down the drain, leaving him despondent. For two years, he's wondered when the other shoe will drop, when Shuuichi will give up on him and leave. Rei can't even figure out what he might be getting out of this arrangement – he's self-aware enough to know that it can't be his sparkling personality.
Rei can cook for him, sure; that's something that Shuuichi is only starting to get better at. But he's been unable to work, so he's not bringing in any money. Communication is stilted on the good days; neither of them have ever been great at talking to each other. And then, of course, there's the intimacy issues.
So it's only natural that Shuuichi will realize, eventually, that he can do so much better than Rei, and Rei will be left alone again. Sometimes he wishes he'd just go already, leave Rei to himself, let him handle the fallout now instead of later.
The engagement ring certainly threw a wrench into Rei's predictions. He'd expected that to be the breaking point, when he couldn't accept Shuuichi's proposal. Selfishly, he had wanted to; if they married, then Shuuichi couldn't leave as easily, right? But, in the end, he decided that wasn't good enough. He doesn't know Shuuichi's reasons for proposing, whether he's deluded himself into believing he loves Rei due to some savior complex, or he has something else in mind.
Many of Shuuichi's actions, and reactions, have been incongruous with Rei's expectations, in fact.
When Rei asked for time to think about the proposal, Shuuichi had given it, without question. He'd set the ring out, in plain sight, for Rei to see and do with as he pleases, and not pushed the matter again.
When Rei asked to go to the grocery store alone, though Shuuichi had clearly been worried about his leg giving out, he'd stepped aside and let it happen.
When Rei told him he wanted to start working again, instead of pushing back and telling Rei he couldn't, he'd merely asked what Rei wanted to do.
He's been so endlessly patient with Rei's stagnating recovery, his bad moods, his lackluster performance in the bedroom, it's almost as if–
But Rei isn't going to trick himself into believing that Shuuichi might actually love him; that will only lead to heartache when things inevitably come crashing down.
He hears the door open, even over the spray of the water. "Mind if I join you?" Shuuichi asks, taking Rei's lack of immediate response as agreement before settling in behind him.
With the bath having become something of a therapeutic spot for him, given his frequent soaks to ease the ache in his leg, it – and the shower, by extension – has also naturally become a regular place for non-sexual intimacy between them. Tonight is no different than usual; once Shuuichi finishes washing himself, buying Rei time to adjust to his presence, his hands on Rei's back and in his hair are methodical and efficient, instead of teasing or titillating. The familiarity of the touch drains some of his tension as Shuuichi washes his hair.
Maybe he'll never understand why Shuuichi chooses, over and over, day after day, to keep dealing with him and his problems.
They finish their shared shower in silence, Rei taking over washing himself once his hair is clean, then even offering to wash Shuuichi's back. It's the least he can do, all things considered.
Afterwards, Shuuichi wraps a towel around himself, then makes quick work of drying Rei off and helping him into a pair of briefs, intent on getting him back into bed as soon as possible to take the weight off his leg; Rei, however, has other ideas.
"Shuuichi," he starts, his voice coming out softer than he intends, as his lover stands back up to full height.
Warm green eyes meet his, a fondness in them that feels undeserved. "Rei?"
Before he can second-guess himself, he steps closer, drawing Shuuichi into a tender kiss – as much of an apology for his behavior as he can muster. The kiss doesn't last long, though, because the muscle in Rei's thigh spasms, throwing him off balance. Shuuichi catches him, holding him up with arm around his back, but the damage is done. The pain flaring up all over again, Rei sighs and drops his head onto Shuuichi's shoulder, feeling distinctly like he's messed things up. Again.
"Falling for me, Rei-kun?" Rei huffs at Shuuichi's gentle teasing, and is rewarded with the soft press of lips to his hair. Then, before he has time to protest, Shuuichi crouches slightly, hooking his arm under Rei's knees and sweeping him up into his arms.
Rei glares at him and grumbles, "Put me down."
"No," Shuuichi replies with an unconcerned hum. "You have enough muscle damage without your stubborn pride making it worse."
Though his tone isn't harsh, the words sting deeper than Rei expects. He quiets down and shutters his feelings, schooling his face into a blank expression as Shuuichi carries him back to their bedroom and lays him carefully on the bed.
Then he steps away, and Rei has to close his fist in the sheets to fight off how much that feels like rejection. "Oh?" he asks, trying to keep his voice as neutral as possible. "Are you not joining me?"
He must not quite succeed at playing it off, because Shuuichi takes a moment to examine him, before his eyes soften. "I'll be right there," he promises, before swapping the towel around his waist for underwear and stepping out of the room.
Judging from the direction of his footsteps and the sounds from the other rooms, he's triple-checking the locks on their door, cleaning up the bathroom a bit, and turning off lights – their normal nightly routine. Being unable to help, especially when he knows he's lying on clean sheets, and that their bedroom trash had already been taken out while he was in the shower, only adds to the self-loathing building inside him once more.
If not for his injury, he could be a more helpful partner. If not for his own stubborn pride – as Shuuichi had rightfully pointed out moments ago – he wouldn't have exacerbated the injury.
Is this going to be the push Shuuichi needs to finally realize he can do better?
Rei rolls onto his right side, so as not to put his weight on the wrong hip, and curls in on himself; that's how Shuuichi finds him, when he returns to the bedroom. With his eyes closed, he hears rather than sees the ceiling light turn off and the lamp on Shuuichi's side of the bed click on. The bed shifts as Shuuichi climbs in behind him, and, without hesitation, wraps himself around Rei, with a kiss to his spine and a hand rubbing along the jagged, ugly scar on his thigh.
The safety and comfort of Shuuichi's arms brings with it a soft, vulnerable, but safe feeling. Rei wants to sink into it, to let himself be comforted; he hates every second of it.
A tremor runs through him. Shuuichi holds him tighter and whispers, "Please don't shut me out, Rei."
Rei sniffs and sighs and nudges Shuuichi lightly with his elbow so that he can turn to lie on his back again. "Why are you still here?" he asks, refusing to look at his lover, and dreading whatever answer he may get.
"In bed?" Shuuichi asks, willfully misinterpreting Rei's question.
"Don't play stupid. What are you even getting out of this?"
The bed shifts again, and, suddenly, Shuuichi's leaning over him, looking him directly in the eyes. "Why am I still with you? What am I getting out of that? I would've thought my proposal made that obvious." He pauses, gives Rei a moment to respond, but when that doesn't happen, he continues. "I get you, Rei. I get to spend my life with the person I love."
Somehow, that isn't the comforting sentiment Shuuichi probably thinks it is.
"Sometimes I think about walking into traffic." Rei stares blankly past Shuuichi, up at the ceiling. He hadn't meant for those words to come tumbling out of his mouth, but perhaps it's some sort of subconscious manipulation tactic on his part – a desperate desire for Shuuichi to see him as he really is (pathetic, needy, broken), and not this idealized version of Rei he must have built up in his head.
He's also thought about using one of the guns they have tucked away, but always quickly dismisses the idea. They're not even supposed to have guns anymore; he'd hate to get Shuuichi in trouble.
"Rei…" At the sound of his name, uttered like a prayer in the low light of their bedroom, Rei flicks his gaze back to Shuuichi's, and immediately regrets it. Shuuichi is not a very expressive person, on the best of days, but tonight the pain is written plainly there for Rei to read. The pain that Rei caused. Something's missing, though, that Rei expects to find.
"You don't seem surprised."
Shuuichi says nothing for a long moment, only presses a kiss to Rei's forehead before settling at his side once more, an arm thrown protectively over his waist. When he finally speaks, his voice is rougher, as if he's holding back his feelings. "I've been worried that might be the case."
The words feel like a punch to Rei's gut. He'd been so sure he was hiding those specific thoughts well enough that Shuuichi would never notice, and yet – of course Shuuichi knows. Not for the first time, he silently curses how well they know each other.
"But you still let me go out alone?" he wonders. If it were him, if he had even an inkling that Shuuichi felt this way sometimes, he would try to do everything in his power to stop it, even if it meant barring Shuuichi in their home.
"I've known you long enough to know that I can't stop you from doing something once you put your mind to it," Shuuichi answers simply. "And I know how important your independence is to you. But I won't lie to you: I worry every time that you won't come home. I worry when I leave alone that I'll come back and you'll be–" He pauses there, his breathing shaky, and rests his head against Rei's arm. "I just have to trust that you won't go through with it."
Rei, wracked with guilt, lays his hand over Shuuichi's and swallows back the tears threatening to fall. "You make it easier," he admits, just loud enough for Shuuichi to hear him. "To live, I mean."
Whenever thoughts of killing himself start to take hold, he then wonders what will happen to Shuuichi if he's gone. He has family here, and he's getting better at cooking, but he doesn't really have friends, or anyone besides Rei that he leans on.
Rei knows what it's like to feel completely and utterly alone; he doesn't want that for Shuuichi.
Strong arms wrap around him fully, pulling him tight against his lover's chest. Rei exhales, relaxing more. "Good," Shuuichi says, his face pressed right next to Rei's ear. "I'm glad."
Since he's already on a roll, confessing his deepest secrets, Rei decides to add one more to the pile – one that is, perhaps, less a secret and more a fear. "What if I never get better? It's been two years, and I still can't always walk by myself."
"It's only been two years," Shuuichi counters, squeezing him. "And, if we're being technical, it's only been about eighteen months, if we exclude the time you spent in the wheelchair. You basically had to relearn how to walk, Rei. You've made amazing progress. I know you're frustrated, especially on the bad days, but this is what healing looks like, especially for situations as bad as yours. You're still making progress, even if you don't see it."
Rei frowns, doubtful. He doesn't feel like he's made any progress recently. But Shuuichi doesn't seem content with his obvious skepticism.
"You really only notice the bad days," he continues. "Your trips to buy groceries have been getting faster, and you seem to be in a lot less pain afterward than you were in the beginning. I know you still hurt, but it doesn't take you out of commission for the rest of the day anymore. And, besides – even if this is what the rest of our lives look like, I don't mind. I want to be the one helping you when you need it, even if you're too stubborn to accept it sometimes."
Unsure where to even begin, whether he believes all of it or not, Rei doesn't try to formulate a response. Instead, he lifts one of Shuuichi's hands his mouth and kisses his knuckles, then he just lets himself be held, releasing the rest of the tension in his body. He's tired, he feels emotionally wrecked, and anymore talking, anymore making himself vulnerable, just seems impossible. It doesn't take him long, after that, to drift off to sleep in the safety of Shuuichi's arms.