Chapter Text
Mok could never forget those eyes.
It was hard to forget eyes that you've stared into a million times before.
And as he stood there, rooted to the spot, he saw the lack of recognition in the man’s gaze and he realized that maybe, it was possible to forget, after all.
Rome had forgotten. And Mok didn't know if he was blessed or cursed to be the one to remember.
The orphanage. 23 years ago.
Mok was only seven years old when he first got his heart broken. When his father left him at the orphanage with teary eyes and a sorrowful goodbye, Mok experienced pain that only rivaled the one of losing his mother.
At least his mother hadn't left him willingly. She didn't have a choice. A sickness took her away from him.
His father had a choice however. And he thought that abandoning his son was the right one.
Mok was crushed. He barely ate and very rarely slept during those first weeks. The aunties at the orphanage were kind and patient to him, but they couldn't replace the love his family had once given him. The kids were nice too, but none of it mattered, because Mok never really talked to them. They probably considered him weird for sitting on his own all the time and refusing to engage in their games.
Mok often watched the children around him and wondered, how could they be so happy? Didn't they all share a similar fate? Why was it possible for them to laugh like nothing ever burdened them while Mok's little heart ached so much that he couldn't even breathe freely?
It will pass, the aunties used to tell him. You'll be happy again, some day.
Mok waited for that day but as the seasons shifted, the pain remained. He continued to feel out of place. It was still so hard to talk to others when he felt like no one could understand him. At times, he even wondered if he was broken. If there was something wrong with him for not being able to be like the other kids.
The adults kept saying that he was more like a grown up than a kid. That he was very wise for his age. And they all meant it as a compliment, but Mok didn't take it as such. He didn't want to be a grown up. He wanted to be a kid, one that could enjoy its childhood before being forced into the even more cruel adult world.
Mok was losing hope that things would get better. Maybe some people were just never meant to be fixed. Maybe some had to remain broken while others thrived, because of some invisible balance in nature laws, or whatever it was that this one teacher was trying to explain once.
On Mok's eight birthday, he wished for something simple. A friend. Someone who would understand him. Someone he could play with, laugh with, and do all the other things kids did with. Someone he could be a child with, not a grown up.
And for once, life decided to be kind to him.
The next day there was a new kid at the orphanage. A boy that was one year younger than him. Big doe eyes as he gripped tightly the auntie’s hand while she was showing him around. Tears in them that he didn't let fall. Full rosy cheeks bitten by the cold.
He looked so vulnerable and fragile. For the first time, Mok was seeing someone who seemed just as broken as him.
And as that evening the little boy retreated to the corner of the room, sitting by himself after not putting even a single bite into his mouth, Mok felt a strong urge to protect him. He could see himself in the boy and he didn't want him to become the way he was too.
Maybe there wasn't hope for Mok, but for that boy, there was.
And so, he'd gone to sit next to him that evening. He silently extended a candy towards the boy, watching him hesitate.
“I shouldn't take candies from strangers,” The boy said quietly, giving Mok a wary look.
“What's your name?” Mok asked softly.
“Rome,” The other answered simply, not asking about Mok's name in return.
“I'm Mok,” He looked down at the candy as he pushed it out towards Rome again. “We're not strangers anymore. You can take it now,” Mok offered.
Rome tentatively reached out and took the candy. He struggled with unwrapping it due to his shaky hands, but before Mok could suggest his help, Rome popped the candy open and put it into his mouth.
“Thanks,” Rome muttered, his shoulder brushing against Mok's from where they were leaning against the wall.
“No problem,” Mok gave Rome a smile to try to make him feel more comfortable.
He wasn't even realizing that this was the first time he was smiling since he came here. Yes, it might have been on purpose, but still, it was a smile nonetheless.
After a few minutes of silence, Mok pierced it again.
“The bed beneath mine is unoccupied. You can sleep there if you want,” Mok suggested. Rome turned to look at him, as if to consider his suggestion.
“Sure,” He answered quietly before looking away once more.
“And I can take you around tomorrow. The playground is really nice. There are a lot of swings and slides. I think you'll like them,” Mok spoke with an enthusiastic tone, trying to get Rome to loosen up a bit.
But then the younger boy looked at him again and the pout on his face made Mok's heart clench.
“Are you trying to be my friend?” Rome asked, a note of hope, but also grief mixing together in his voice. And Mok knew with clear certainty that yes, he wanted to be Rome's friend. He thought they could both use one right now.
“Are you looking for a friend?” Mok asked instead, causing Rome to shrug.
“It depends. Do you have more of those candies?” Rome asked innocently and it stole a laugh out of Mok.
And this time it was genuine.
“I do,” Mok pushed his hand into the pocket of his jeans and when he turned his palm towards Rome, he revealed a handful of candies. Rome's eyes widened at the sight. “So… friends?” Mok asked, his lips curling up.
“Friends,” Rome answered with a very tiny, but still noticeable, smile on his face.
Mok might have just earned that friendship through a small bribe, but he'd still count that as a victory.
This evening as he hid with Rome from the others and shared his candies with him, he couldn't have known how important that new kid would become to him.
He couldn't have known that Rome would be the one to bring his joy back. That Rome would become the reason behind each and every smile he revealed and every laugh he let out.
He couldn't have known that in his attempt to save Rome, Rome had actually saved him.
And that losing Rome would inevitably crush him.
Present time.
Mok stared across from the man who was smiling up at him so obliviously. And if it wasn't for the telltale signs - his name, his eyes, his smile - the birthmark beneath his left ear confirmed what Mok already knew.
That was Rome. His Rome.
Standing across from him, offering him a job as his bodyguard like it was the most mundane thing in the whole world.
“Mok? Are you okay?” Rome waved a hand across from his face, the smile on his face now replaced by a gentle frown. Mok shuck himself out of his thoughts, realizing that the other must have called out to him a couple of times already.
“Y-yeah?” Mok managed to get out weakly.
“I was asking you if you had any questions about your duties or the job,” Rome leaned back into his chair. He must have been explaining to Mok how this would work, what his obligations were, the entire work process - but Mok had heard none of it.
Mok couldn't even look at Rome without thinking of all those years they've spent in the orphanage.
Once, Rome used to be his entire world. He woke up with the thought of Rome and fell asleep with the same thought. It was always Rome, Rome, Rome.
Until one day when Rome got taken away from him.
It's for his own good, the aunties had said. He'll finally have a family that will love him so much, they'd add.
Mok wasn't happy. How could he have been when Rome had cried his heart out that day, screaming and thrashing around that he doesn't want to go, that he has his Phi Mok and doesn't need anyone else?
How could he have been happy when his whole joy had just been ripped away from him?
The aunties told him that Rome would come visit. That his family would bring him back for playdates and visits. But Mok had been in the orphanage for too long. He knew that whoever got adopted, never came back.
And Rome never came back either.
So now, so many years later, life has found a funny way to bring them back together. And Mok wished he could take Rome into his arms and never let him go. He wished he could tell him how much he'd missed him and how much growing up without him had sucked. He wished he could make up for the lost time.
But Rome didn't remember him. He was just a mere stranger to the boy who used to be his everything.
Mok was feeling like he was suffocating. His heart was pounding against his chest and a wave of nausea crashed over him. His hands were feeling clammy and the more Rome spoke, the more it unnerved him. He had that strong urge to run and he couldn't stay put even a second more.
“I.. I'm sorry. I can't take the job,” Mok interrupted and before Rome could even ask, he was up on his feet. He couldn't even take one last look at the boy, because his body acted on pure instincts, running out of the place without allowing him to think about it twice.
Mok ran and ran until his feet could no longer take it. No one had chased after him but he's been running for what felt like hours, while it could've been just some mere minutes. He paused, breathing hard, surrounded by nothing by trees on all sides. He must have ran into the forest surrounding Rome's mansion.
Mok leaned against a tree and allowed his eyes to fall shut while he was trying to calm down. Tears pricked at his eyes as images of Rome's oblivious face and distant eyes appeared before him.
Mok was only seven years old when he first got his heart broken. But he was thirty years old when it ripped in two with the promise of never being able to heal again after that damage.