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You don’t remember everything. You don’t always remember your name, your face, your body. But you always remember her, and you always, always love her.
(Sometimes she loves you too.)
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Every life comes like fingers over your eyes. The full picture isn’t there, but when has anyone ever needed the full picture?
It comes with her.
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One day Eli Ayase looked at you. One day you realized that you were lonely. One day you started to see several days that never happened.
She smiled and somehow you knew the curve of her mouth and the set of her jaw. You heard her voice and you also heard church bells, stilted cries and gravely murmurs of grandous foreigners.
You still smiled back because how could you not?
#
You fall like rain in summer. Heavy and fast and ugly - unrelentless. But sometimes Eli likes the sound of it. Sometimes she just stares at you, her yellow hair up and eyes bright. She’s the sun that picks you up and brings you to the sky.
And you remember, sometimes she loves you.
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Sometimes she does not.
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She’s angry one day. Not at you, but at girls who make your head buzz faintly (maybe you remember them too). Her blue eyes are hard, jaw set tight in an expression you recognize but not from this life.
In the pits of your belly there is rejection.
Eli’s face softens when she looks at you, really looks. “Nozomi? What’s wrong?”
You’re not crying, but Eli understands you. Sometimes so well you wonder if she remembers. Your lips turn up as you meet her eyes. Yes, sometimes she really does love you. “I’m fine, Elichi. But you should try to calm down - maybe they’ll surprise you.”
“They’re amateurs. Not even good ones,” she says.
#
The first time you see Eli perform, you also see flashes of something else. Vaudvillian nights; dark, red dresses, a blonde performer who shines on a desolate stage. There are traces of the others. Nico, Honoka, Maki - all of them, but it’s her who sticks out.
She looks at you, both now and then, past and present; and she winks. You wonder if you’ll remember this in the next life, remember the adrenaline and how you can’t quite steady your heart.
She stops, a crowd claps - you know where you are. In between eight other girls, you think that this may be your best life as a surge of warmth travels through your chest to your face so that you’re smiling so hard that a pain strikes your cheeks. Yes. You can remember all of them.
Eli peeks out from down the line and catches your gaze. She laughs, her teeth gleaming under the stage lights. For the first time in this life you feel content.
#
“We’re graduating soon,” Eli says when it’s just the two of you. Nico doesn’t want to hear it, so the two of you avoid bringing it up when she’s around. Eli doesn’t seem like she wants to hear it either garnering the sad smile she gives.
Nozomi wants to kiss her, or touch her hand or do anything to fix it. “Yes.” It’s not something you’d like to talk about either. The thought of not being around Eli - or Nico, or any of the girls. A part of you knows it’s unlikely given the memories of the past you get. You’re connected to them all.
But then again, fate changes.
“Would you ever consider--” Eli stops and chews on her lip. Her cheeks are red, her eyes downcast. “Living with me?” She looks up at you. And you place your hand against your heart briefly to check if it’s beating. “We got into the same schools - and obviously, if there was an issue with programs it wouldn’t work. But I just thought it was a possibility.”
“A possibility,” the words leave your mouth a faint echo.
“If you think it’s--”
“No. I,” would go anywhere with you. “I’d like that.” A smile appears on your face, and you’re unaware at first. “I’d get to see all the cute things Elichi does in the morning then, wouldn’t I?”
She’s still blushing but she laughs. “Nozomi…” she chides, half-hearted. Then she looks up. “I love you, you know?”
Sometimes she loves you too.
“Mmhmm!” It’s a chirp, and you make sure your face has evened out. “I love you too.”
#
Eli falls like snow.
Soft in the way that her hand occasionally comes to yours, brushes against it before actually taking hold. Prettily, with fleeting touches, red blushes, roaming eyes. Slow in how she looks at every detail of your face before kissing your mouth.
Pure.
Eli falls like she’s taking the scenic route. Like she knows where she’s at and where she’s headed. She sees every single part of you, knows every single part of you.
Eli falls, and it’s for every single part of you.
#
You’re a cycle. You realize it one day. Nothing is ever the same, not every thing repeats; but it is a cycle. Life, death, life, death, life, death. Eli Eli Eli. The metaphysical concept of looped time where you are only ending to begin.
You make the same mistakes sometimes, there is no learning curve. Some people might say you have bad luck in remembering certain things so vividly. Maybe you do. You carry the burden of knowing everything is immortal. Sometimes you feel lives worth of pain, sometimes you remember rejection.
Other times you remember love and then it doesn’t seem so bad. Not bad at all.
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Memories hit you at odd times.
You’re in the shower with her and sometimes you see rain on her face, she’s looking up with crystal blue eyes that are crinkled. She kisses you in both lives.
You’re walking and the pavement shines, and she isn’t with you (not now) - but at the same time you see her red shoes walking, hear a gentle click click click . She looks back, her pink lips are curved into a smile.
You’re on top of her, inside of her. Her warm breath grazes your left cheek and she lets out these small sounds that make you want to give her the world. Your name comes out of her mouth in shuddering gasp like a prayer. No, like need.
She is hot and wet on your fingers, she bucks further against you, she holds you like she might fall off the edge of a cliff. As if she’s scared. Her fingers dig into your arms, nails leaving tiny parks. And it hits you as she’s at climax.
Her hand on yours grabbing tight so so tight. Your body is weak and sweaty, and she’s crying while hovering over you. Plagues and death rush through your mind. You have died young before.
“Don’t,” Eli says, her eyes are shimmering. They aren’t blue, she isn’t blonde; but you know it’s her. “ Stay with me.”
“Nozomi, stay with me,” Eli says beneath you. “You’re shaking.”
You collapse and try to subdue the sting in your eyes. “I love you.”
She rubs small, soft circles on the bare skin of you back, kisses the hair above your ear. “I love you, too.”
#
You tell her one day. The truths of being immortal, the cycle that you are, the memories. All of it. She laughs, but doesn’t denounce you. Her head lifts back and the column of her neck shows as she laughs. Her teeth shine, her eyes are bright and squinting.
It makes you smile. “You don’t believe me?” you ask with one brow raised. In one swift move, you’re next to her.
She places her hand against your cheek and kisses you soft and quick like a drop of snow. “Of course I do.” Another kisses and she pulls you on top of her so she’s falling on her back. “What do you remember?”
Her hair is stark yellow against the white bed sheets, it’s hard to think of anything but a halo. You’re distracted and don’t answer, so she asks, “The girls?”
The girls. The concept is so distant, yet so close. The girls who you love so very much. How could you not remember them. “ Mmhmm. ” You kiss her ear.
“Nico?”
You laugh at that and think about your other roommate. “Of course.”
She kisses the corner of your mouth. “Me?”
“Always.”
“And do you love me?” Eli bites down on her lip. Your Elichi, your person, your everything.
“Always,” you repeat.
She kisses you fully, her mouth on yours, lips and tongue ghosting across your already heated skin. “And do I love you?” she asks.
You laugh against her. It comes out muffled and distorted. “Sometimes.”
Her eyebrows crease and she purses her lips. She looks at you plainly, a look you’ve seen thousands of times. A curious look, like she’s trying to solve a puzzle; though you are far less complex than she likes to believe. “No. I’ve always loved you, too.”
“Oh yeah? Do you remember as well, Elichi?”
“No…” she grabs your face so that you can look at nothing but her eyes. And then, as if she were talking about the laws of physics, the certainty of math, the color of blood, she says, “But how could I not?”