Chapter Text
[June 17, 2025 / Present ]
"You're avoiding her in your own apartment."
"I'm not avoiding her, View."
Namtan is not avoiding her ex-wife. Well, that's what she been telling to herself because she's simply gearing up for when she sees her again, and she thinks she should be allowed that. Too many things come flooding back to her when she sees Film, and ever since she let her walls down for the woman so many years ago, it's been a constant battle to put them back up.
Film disarms her, always have been and always will be
Film has a boyfriend, and Namtan is not entirely sure if he'll come to the party with her.
"Sure," View says. "And I'm not Lunar's favorite aunt." Rolling her eyes to Namtan for how sure she is.
"Hahaha you're not, Milk is."
"Whatever, but— if it makes you feel any better, I think she's avoiding you too."
"It doesn't, but thank you."
______________________
(December 24, 2024.)
"You could just be honest with yourself."
Namtan hears Emi's voice through the walls of Amelia Mahawan (Film's Mother) house, coming from somewhere in the kitchen, and assumes that must be where Film disappeared to. She told Lunar she'd find her mommy for her, but the conversation sounds heated, and Namtan gets the feeling it's somehow about her.
"You could just be honest with yourself, Film. Starting with the fact—"
"That I blame myself?" She hears Film's voice, and her stomach sinks. Her chest feels as though it's been split open. "I don't... Of course I blame her!"
Namtan opens the door, meeting Emi's eyes above a head of dark curls.
"Film—" Emi tries to warn her.
"You could've just said that," Namtan says cutting Emi's words— her voice wavers. "All those times I asked, you could've just told me truth—"
"For fuck's sake, Namtan! I don't blame you for... for that. I never did. But the divorce? I do blame you."
"You gave me the papers to sign," Namtan says.
"You didn't leave me any choice," Film retorts.
"Your daughter is out there," Emi interrupts. "And this is a fucking Christmas party, so I don't care how you do it but you're going to play nice and make this the best Christmas....ever! Are we clear? Now excuse me, I have a bunch of kids to entertain with coke and mints."
Emi lets the door close quietly behind her, and they are left staring at each other. It's been roughly ten months since she moved out, and the pull of longing and pain and love and anger it's tightly coiled in her chest, as strong as ever.
It's all encompassing, what she feels for this woman, and she can hardly believe it's been ten months since they shared a bed— since they shared a life.
She can't believe there was a time the sight of Film's eyes made her sick.
______________________
"Film!"
"View!"
They hug, and Namtan looks away.
There was a time when she and Film shared that same easy affection even before they started dating, and she doesn't know why she's missing it now. Perhaps because it's been a little over a year now, the second of their daughter's birthdays after they separated. Perhaps because she also knows that now Film has someone else.
She knew it would happen. Film is gorgeous, and smart, and despite everything that happened between them, how they might have hurt each other— she still can attest to that, and the fact that she's an amazing mother too.
She's wearing mid length hair, brown tresses just past her shoulders, straightened. She looks different. Still beautiful.
"Film."
"Namtan." She says it on an exhale, and Namtan wonders if she might be genuinely happy to see her. They usually avoid it for a reason, it's been months now since they've spoken face to face for more than a few minutes during switch days.
"I'm sorry," Film tells her. "I didn't see you when I got here. Emi opened the door."
"No, it's fine. I was just... caught up in the kitchen." Hiding. "I made cupcakes."
"Oh, that's great." Film wrings her hands together, like she does when she's nervous, before stepping forward and giving Namtan an air kiss. Her cheek pressed to hers, her hands on Namtan's elbow. Then she steps back before Namtan can find out if she still wears the same perfume.
"How have you been?" Film asks.
"I'm good," Namtan answered. "Everything is good."
It's the first physical contact she's had from Film in months, perhaps a year. It throws her off balance and this, this is exactly why she was avoiding or not avoiding-her ex-wife.
"I'm glad," Film says.
"Mommy!"
Namtan silently thanks her daughter for breaking the awkward atmosphere.
Lunar barges in the room, her sneakers lighting up with every step. She jumps into Film's arms, her legs wrapping around her mother's waist.
The birthday girl is wearing a blue shirt with a yellow tutu, her favorite colors. And the sneakers Namtan got her last weekend. Her hair is a little darker than Film's, but they share the same eyes. She was born with them, these bright brown orbs— Namtan waited for them to change color, but they never did.
"I missed you," Namtan hears, muffled from Lunar's place on Film's neck. It's only been two days since she last saw Film, and she's leaving with her tonight, but Namtan knows that— to her daughter it's always difficult being away from one of them.
"Look at my shoes, mommy" Lunar exclaims, pulling away. Film nearly stumbles with the movement. Lunar's turning 7th today. Their girl is getting so big.
"They light up," Film says.
"Mama Tip bought them for me," Lunar brags. "They match the shirt you bought. Do you like them?"
"It's cute and it's suits you" Film tells her, putting her down.
Lunar pulls her out back by the hand.
______________________
(March 12th, 2024.)
She nods to Film, and she turns around without another word. And, God, everything inside Namtan burns— it dissolves in pain, like there's acid wearing away at her insides. Just looking at Film makes everything come back, and Namtan feels like crying, but she can't.
"Hey, baby." Namtan rubs her daughter's back, the little girl holding on to her desperately.
"I missed you lots and lots and lots," Lunar says into her neck, squeezing the life out of Namtan. "Mama Tip...." Lunar whines.
"I missed you too," Namtan says, a knot in her throat. It's only been three days.
She feels better— and worse being away from their home. It's a relief to be away from Film and she hates herself for it because it's her fault her daughter misses her.
"I love you, Mama" Lunar says, and Namtan's heart squeezes in her chest when she feels a pair of small lips pressing kisses to her cheek. "I love you."
"I love you too."
______________________
Their small group of friends gather on the balcony, drinking and exchanging stories once Lunar blows the candles out. Milk sits with Muvmuv in her arms, the little girl a dead ringer for her but with Love's eyes, a striking combination. The 8 year old girl is like a sister to Lunar. Her daughter disappears inside the apartment once it's clear that Muvmuv is too tired to keep playing.
Love stands talking to Film and View, and her rounded stomach is impossible to hide. Namtan thinks Muvmuv will make an incredible big sister and that Lunar will love having a baby around. Also Lunar herself would have made a great big sister too.
Namtan hasn't talked to Loverruk in weeks, but looking at her figure is easier than she expected. Namtan feels Amelia's eyes on her. So she resolves to go inside to find her daughter. She doesn't need mothering, not tonight.
She found Lunar in the kitchen, trying to cut the hair of a human size doll. Namtan is no longer surprised by her daughter having things she's never seen before, simply takes it in stride when Lunar shows her clothes and toys she acquired during her time with Film.
"That's a nice doll," Namtan says.
"Mommy just gave it to me," Lunar says. She bites her lip looking up at Namtan, seemingly unsure. "She said it's from Nanon" she continued and Namtan gets a feeling her daughter is waiting to see how she'll react.
Namtan smiles tightly.
"That was very nice of him," she says.
Lunar puts the doll down on the breakfast island. "I don't like Nanon. He talks to me like I'm a baby... I'm not a baby." Lunar pouts and Namtan picks her up and sits her on the counter.
"I know," Namtan says, pushing Lunar's hair behind her ears. She doesn't want to think about it at all, doesn't want to feel validated in her dislike of a person who could be a reasonably good human being.
Lunar's eyes light up.
"Ma, I could be your spy," she says. "I could tell you about Nanon!"
"You're— you're my kid," Namtan stutters.
"You're not a spy."
It's the first damn thing in every website she ever read, [[don't try to turn your kid against their other parent, don't try to get information from your ex from them]]. And Namtan never tried to do that, but certainly never thought Lunar herself would offer.
"What kind of movies have you been watching?"
"Mommy showed me a movie the other night, the spy fell in love with the villain and they run away together."
Namtan breathes, smiles faintly. It's just a movie, she hasn't fucked up as a parent yet. She still remembers the conversations she and Film had in their senior year of college, all those thoughts about their life and marriage and children, how they would show them their favorite movies and shape a world for them that was never scary, never mean.
Despite everything that happened, they at least managed to do that.
"You know love, that used to be one of my favorite movie when I was in college. But don't anyone, because it was so silly"
Film had laughed when she found out the big, bad Commander's favorite film was D.E.B.S, ridiculous special effects included. God, she was just 21 when they met. She was a kid, it was a longtime ago.
"It's not silly," Lunar says. "It reminds me of you and mommy."
Namtan swallows hard.
It's their hair she reminds of them, nothing more; brunette, like she and Film. They didn't get the happily ever after movies promise anyway.
"Oh, so you're calling me a villain?" she asks Lunar, changing the topic. She needs to enjoy the time she has with Lunar before Film takes her home.
"No!"
"You sure?" She picks up Lunar and her daughter squeals. Namtan throws her up and Lunar laughs when she catches her.
"I want to dance, Mama Tip" Lunar says, panting.
"Okay."
"Call mommy please" Lunar pleads.
"You want to dance with mommy?"
"With both of you," Lunar says. "Like when I was little."
Namtan remembers it so clearly, a four year old Lunar mushed between her and Film's chest, while they slow-danced together.
"Oh. You remember that?" she asks Lunar.
"You're still little," Film says, suddenly a step behind Namtan.
"More little," Lunar pipes up. "Littler."
______________________
(April 6th, 2019.)
"Babi, she's going to walk. You should bring the camera." Namtan looks up from her place on the carpet to find her wife rolling her eyes at her. "Don't do that, she's going to walk. I can tell."
Lunar's attention lays with her plastic tambourine, clueless to her mothers' conversation.
"You said that yesterday," Film says. "And the day before."
"She had a very convincing walking face yesterday," Namtan insists, shaking a toy just out of Lunar's reach to get her to stand up.
"I think it was just flatulence," Film says. She walks over to Namtan, scratching her scalp. Namtan closes her eyes at the fond gesture, and it's enough time for the baby to stand up.
"Namtan!"
"Babi, oh my god—"
"I'm going to get—"
"No, don't go!" She pulls on Film's sleeve without looking away from Lunar, and Film complies, kneeling beside her.
"Come here, baby," Film pleads while spreading her arms. "Come here, Lunar Rae."
Namtan just stares.
Lunar squats back down, before pushing her hands out and getting back on her feet. A tiny foot lifts off the ground and lands just an inch forward.
"That's my good girl, you're such a big girl now, look at you. That's it!" Film is smiling so wide and Lunar is taking her first steps that made Namtan's eyes burn.
Lunar giggles at her mother's praise, and does it again, taking two, three more steps until she's falling on Film's arms. Namtan kisses her daughter's forehead— laughing.
Film takes Namtan's cheek gently in her hand, and wipes away the mirror tears from her cheeks.
"She did it," Namtan says. "She walked."
"Our baby is walking," Film whispers. Namtan nods, in awe.
She leans up to capture Film's lips in a sweet kiss, while Lunar gleefully gurgles between them.
______________________
Film is soft as Namtan remembers.
Her hand lays over Film's waist. The skin warm beneath her hand and Film's hand rests lightly over her shoulder. She can barely feel the touch. It's awkward and stiff, and she's thankful their free hands are on Lunar, who hangs on to Namtan and seems not to notice the tension.
If it wasn't for their daughter between the two of them, Namtan would think she was back in middle school. A cousin of hers taking her to the winter formal because her mother wanted her to attend and Namtan couldn't be bothered to say yes to either of the two boys who asked. (Her lack of a dating life at age 14 turned out to be Namtan just being overwhelmingly gay.)
But she's not fourteen anymore, though she doesn't seem to have her life together any more than she did back then.
They sway gently while Namtan leads the half-hearted dance. Lunar pulls away from Namtan neck to smile at her. Lunar shows that toothy smile that she loves the most and Namtan decides right then it's worth it.
The song ends too soon, and they're hugging Lunar as tight as they can, until Namtan is sure their daughter can't breath. Namtan can't either. All air has left her lungs. Film tickles Lunar, and as she dissolves into laughter—
The moment is over.
______________________
(August 4th, 2017.)
"Babe I know what you're doing— dying to say something? Just do it. You're making me nervous."
"Well, do you.... feel any different?"
"We were at the clinic yesterday!" Film exclaims, but feeling just as nervous as Namtan, who's eager to know.
"I know..... I know it's silly but— you could be pregnant right now. Like, an actual baby could be forming in your stomach as we speak."
"I know." Film stretches her hand over the table and Namtan grabs it, rubbing across her knuckles. They share a secret smile, full of expectancy and barely contained nerves.
"Do you—"
"I don't.... I don't think it would be normal if I felt any different so soon."
"What did you tell Milk and Love?" Namtan asks.
"....that we're trying" Film shrugs. "But if it may not happen this time around, atleast we're trying" she reminds Namtan.
It doesn't. It takes two more tries, two more appointments and the two weeks of wait between. For the pregnancy test to come back positive. When it does— ecstatic is too small word to explain it. It feels as though happiness will burst right out of Namtan's chest.
______________________
View is the last one to leave, right after Emi. The apartment is mostly clean, nothing like their days in school after a party and Namtan thinks her college self would be surprised to know she'd be divorced and with a kid now, or that her friends— barring Milk and Love would be getting married and having kids as well.
She knows Film is in the bathroom though she'll deny she kept an eye on her ex-wife the whole evening.
Her daughter is in her bedroom. She said she was leaving her presents inside but never came out.
Sunday is one of their switch days and Film's supposed to take Lunar home for two days until Namtan picks her up Tuesday afternoon. They very seldom interfere with the schedule and it's one thing Namtan's thankful for but she still dreads telling her daughter goodbye.
She dreads her empty apartment, the days where her daughter isn't there to fill the space with her laughter.
Namtan assumes Lunar must have been distracted with one of her newest toys but when she enters her room she finds her daughter sprawled out on her small bed, deep asleep. There's a book open on her chest and Namtan carefully removes it. It's a thick book for a 7 year old with small letters but plenty of pictures. The planets and the universe shine off the glossy paper of the 1599.50 THB book someone must have gotten from the NASA gift shop.
Namtan takes Lunar's shoes off. Changes her into a pajama, barely disturbing the girl. Her doe eyes fall open and closed again as Namtan works, and when she finally tucks her in— she's asleep again. But it's a switch day, and so it means talking to Film.
She finds her ex-wife standing in the middle of the living room, and the image— it's so out of place that it hurts.
"I know she's supposed to leave with you—" Namtan speaks quietly. Film turns to look at her. "But she's already passed out in her room and I don't have a heart to wake her up."
"If she stays here tonight then she spends the night with me on Tuesday," Film says.
Namtan didn't expect to be granted extra time for the sake of it.
"Of course," she agrees. Film nods.
"You can drop her off at the house in the morning," Film concedes. She walks to Lunar's bedroom and Namtan follows after her.
Film takes off her heels before entering the room and the sight shocks Namtan. They're not familiar with each other anymore. She hasn't seen Film barefoot since they separated and she never thought she'd see that in her apartment, her home that has never known the presence of Film before today.
Film presses the softest of kisses against Lunar’s forehead and fixes her sheets carefully, and then she's walking back out. It must be a lot easier to say goodbye to their daughter when she knows she's seeing her again the next day.
Film sits down in the couch to put her shoes back on, and Namtan stays at Lunar’s door, looking into the room.
"She's outgrown her Disney bed." Film's voice is unexpected behind her— close, and Namtan doesn't turn around. It would be so easy to pretend that things are still alright, that they're just having a conversation about their daughter, that things didn't go hell.
"I know. I ordered a Queen for her, it should be here next Friday.....Galaxy quilts and all." Namtan smiles faintly. After going through dinosaurs and cars, it's Lunar's latest obsession.
"I guess..." She doesn't know why she keeps talking, but she can't stop now. She swallows.
"I guess I just didn't want to face how big she's getting." It's hard because it's Film and it's been months since she's actually talked to her or wanted to— but it's Film. She's the only person who could understand.
She feels Film step closer behind her
The warmth of her body radiating off her
So close to Namtan.
"One good thing we did, isn't it?" Film asks. She sounds wistful, that familiar regretful longing that Namtan's come to know so keenly.
"She looks more and more like you," Namtan tells her and she doesn't mean for the words to come out. But it's true, Lunar has Film's eyes. Film's nose and her lips and that same cute furrowed brow when things don't go her way.
If it wasn't for her light dark brown hair, moles inches above her brows and one on her cheeks that just like hers. Namtan would have called Amelia and asked her to send some of Film's baby pictures just to see how similar they were.
"But she speaks so very like you," Film's says and she sounds fond of it— maybe.
Namtan's forgotten how kind Film can sound in regards to her. She wonders if they both look at Lunar just to find things that remind them of each other.
She wonders if it hurts Film too.
"She does everything like you— I think she'll grow up to be a lawyer."
"I just want her to be a kid first," Namtan counters.
She'll wonder for the rest of her life if they did the right thing or if they ruined her childhood. Namtan's parents were divorced since before she could remember, while Film's parents loved each other until her father passed away.
Did they do the right thing? Namtan knows it's pointless to wonder now.
"How are you and Nanon?" she turns around to ask. She can't help it, maybe it's masochistic but she needs to see Film's face. She doesn't know what she wants the most— too see her happy or to see her miserable. But Film simply raises her eyebrows.
"Lunar mentioned him," Namtan says by way of explanation. Film looks away.
"we're..... just seeing how things go."
Namtan nods. She looks back to the room.
"What did she say?" Film asks.
Namtan has never been one to lie to Film. But she would— just this once, if she didn't think it was in her daughter's best interest to tell her.
"That she doesn't like him," Namtan says. She tries to turn it into a joke but it falls flat and awkward. She wishes she had just shut up.
"Is that Lunar speaking or is it you?" Film asks, a little bite to her tone. It was too soft, like the calm before a storm. Namtan thinks maybe this is why she asked, to cement the belief that they did the right thing because not a single conversation can go by without a tense atmosphere. Namtan closes her eyes, and is thankful Film haven't noticed.
"She said, he speaks to her like she's a baby," Namtan says, and all the while she's thinking.
I don't know what to do with the fact that you're moving on.
"You know she hates that."
Film is quiet for a moment.
"I'll talk to him," Film concedes. She's doing a lot of that tonight and Namtan wonders why. Truth be told, everything is too bright when she's with Film, everything hurts and burns and she's terrified of the day it will stop. She wonder if for Film, it has already.
"Is that all?" Film asks.
Namtan nods.
This is them now— Namtan thinks.
Only able to be polite when it comes to Lunar, exchanging pleasantries just to get to where it concerns her, squeezing little apologies in between speaking of their daughter because they can't remember how to treat each other any differently. It's her fault, too.
Namtan blames herself for the divorce, like Film did all those months ago. But she blames Film too. For not being more patient— for not loving her enough.
They don't speak after that. Namtan turns back around to face Lunar's room. She looks so carefree. The yellow moon night light illuminates the room, and soon enough she'll have a big girl bed, Queen sized and tall because Namtan isn't afraid her baby will fall off anymore. Namtan's buying her an actual study desk too because Lunar's starting 2nd grade in the fall and she's going to have real homework to do. She knows from Film's last e-mail that she wants the three of them to go shopping for school supplies too, and Namtan's already penciled that in for the second weekend of August.
Maybe they did the right thing after all.
"If something was bothering her, why didn't she tell me directly?" Film asks, and Namtam doesn't know if it's directed to her, but she answers anyway.
"If she sees you're happy, she won't say anything," Namtan says. Film doesn't answer for a while, until she does.
"She's definitely like you that way." Film murmured while shooking her head.
______________________
(January 13th, 2023.)
Namtan fists her right hand in the sheets, the other gently grabbing Film's hair. Namtan's hips undulate of their own accord beneath the sheets, her body climbing towards release.
"Film—."
Her wife's tongue works at her clit, two fingers pumping inside. She's so close.
"Babi... Oh God. I love you. I love— aah. Shit"
"Who knew I could turn you into a moaner?" Her wife's smirk is devilish when Namtan lifts the sheets. She's about to nudge Film's head back down, when their doorknob turning.
"Oh my God—"
"Mama. Mommy!"
The barefoot little girl barges in the room, and Namtan just glad her hands are clean because suddenly she's stopping the five year old from climbing on their bed.
"Baby, what are you doing up?"
"Where are your pajamas?" Lunar confusedly ask. Namtan can feel Film containing her laughter against her stomach. "Why mommy doing hiding?"
Film laughs out loud and Namtan slaps her side with the side of her foot.
"Mommy, what you doing?" Lunar asks and about to grab the sheet but Namtan beats her to it and grabs her hand.
"Why don't you go to your room and we'll be there in a second, please" Namtan softly pleads.
"But—"
"And you can go get a chocolate while you wait."
"Really?"
"Yes, go."
Lunar agrees right away, her eyes lighting up at the prospect of sweets. She runs out of the room at the same speed she came in.
"You let her get candy first thing in the morning?" Film asks as she comes out, wiping her lips with the sheets. They're going to have to throw these in the wash. She's sweating from the heat beneath the sheets and her cheeks are pink. Namtan loves the sight.
"The fridge is locked," Namtan confesses, pulling her pj's back on.
"What kind of parents are we?" Film asks, biting her lip to avoid a smile. "Did you cum?"
Namtan frowns pitifully. Film laughs.
"I couldn't."
Film laughs harder, and in a moment of absurdity Namtan pushes her off the bed. She yelps and grabs Namtan's arm, bringing her down with her. They fall on a tangle of limbs and sheets onto the soft carpet, laughing.
"Are you twelve?" Film asks, bringing Namtan closer. She kisses her, a difficult feat when she's smiling so wide.
"I hope not," Namtan answers. "Imagine having a wife and a kid at age 12. What a nightmare."
"You're a nightmare— " Film doesnt finished what she saying when Namtan silence her with her lips, pressing closer to her wife, ignoring the hardness of the floor.
"You love me," Namtan insists.
"I love you," Film tells her reverently, the way she has since they were just a pair of college kids, like she did when they got married, the way that leaves her with no doubt of how much her wife means it.
"Me too," Namtan hugged her wife and kissed her forehead.
"MOMMY THE FRIDGE WON'T OPEN!!!!"
With that— they look at each other and burst out laughing.
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