Chapter Text
2183 - The Normandy
GV,
I know this account is inactive, but my therapist reminded me about my letters… So here’s my letter, and I hope wherever you are, you get to read it. Or maybe not… I don’t think this is going to be a happy letter. I’ll write you a happy letter later. Promise.
We had a Spectre aboard the Normandy last week. Nihlus Kryik. Nice guy, funny. Dead. Long story but he wasn’t the only one I lost. Corporal Jenkins was a good kid. He had potential. He just never kept his damned shields up. He never stood a chance.
We fought geth. GETH! And they used some sick invention to turn humans into these husk things. Nasty, nasty things. I keep hearing their sounds in my mind when I try to sleep. Inhuman. Hateful. You would tell me I need to sleep, but… I try the best I can. I will keep trying the best I can.
Nihlus was killed by a fellow Spectre, Saren Arterius. He’s not… right. Something about him isn’t right. I know he’s a well-respected Spectre, but he killed Nihlus and he’s working with the geth.
I did something I shouldn’t have. I got zapped? Zapped by a Prothean… thing. Kaiden got too close, I pushed him away. It hit me and filled my head with things I don’t understand. Images that feel ancient and yet like premonitions of the future. I don’t sleep because of those either.
We’re headed to the Citadel to speak to the Council. I haven’t been back on the Citadel in years. One of the last times was the last time I saw you. And I don’t want to remember the last time I saw you. But also. I miss you. And I want to recapture some part of what we were.
I miss you.
-JS
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2183 - The Citadel
The first thought Shepard had after seeing Garrus Vakarian for the first time in 10 years was that he looked like his mother, but stood like his father.
“Is your father finally proud of you then?”
He was taller, if that was even possible, but he still tucked his mandibles tight in the same frown when he was frustrated. And, he was clearly frustrated with the turian before him. Shepard wondered if his mandibles would simply fuse with his lower jaw if he continued to frown so hard. She was already making a beeline for him when she heard Saren’s name, her pace quickened and Ash and Kaiden jogged to keep up. As she topped the stairs to the landing in the council chambers, the older turian sneered at her and stalked off, leaving her face to face with Garrus’ wide blue eyes and slightly off kilter stance.
The first thought Garrus had after seeing Shepard for the first time in a decade was that he should have known ‘Commander Shepard - Hope for Humanity’ was in fact Jane Shepard, the same kid, now woman, he had once wished -threatened- to push out an airlock.
“Every time I get close to making a name for myself, you come crashing through my life, like a tornado drawing everything into your orbit.”
And who might just want to push him out an airlock. He was just stonewalled by Executor Pallin in his attempt to track down proof of Saren’s corruption, and part of him had hoped the human commander coming to the Citadel to testify to that corruption would be interested in helping him. Now he wondered if he could sneak off before the Commander knew he existed. Before things went sideways and he did something stupid. To his mounting frustration, he turned his head to find Shepard not only much closer than he expected but also staring a hole in his hide with her bright green eyes.
He had two choices: 1) acknowledge he remembered her or… 2) act like he had no idea who she was. Option 1 made things simultaneously more and less awkward. Option 2 forced Shepard to either comply with his narrative or argue with him in front of what appeared to be her team. Plus, it would probably drive her slightly crazy. Option 2 it was then. He stuck his hand out for a shake, something he’d picked up from her, even if he refused to admit it. “You must be Commander Shepard, someone said you were coming. Garrus Vakarian - Citadel Security. I’m overseeing the investigation into Saren.”
Shepard, to her credit, stared down at the 3 fingered offering for less than half a second before shaking it enthusiastically. Then, because she knew it would make Garrus uncomfortable, she kept ahold of his hand and twined her gloved fingers around his. His mandibles shifted from frustration to a more lax surprise before snapping immediately back to frustration. Actually, this was one of her favorite expressions - exasperation. She wouldn’t call his bluff but she sure would make him regret it.
“Soooo good to meet you, De-tec-tive Vakarian!” She said Detective with too much emphasis on each syllable and a shit-eating grin on her face. “Would love to hear all about your evidence.”
The humans flanking Shepard looked beyond confused at their commander’s display of what had to be at least 17 Turian Diplomacy violations. The male looked particularly concerned by their joined hands. He seemed to open his mouth to protest, and then thought better of it, clicking his jaw shut. Shepard continued into the heart of the chambers, Garrus in tow, his hand still firmly wrapped in Shepard’s surprisingly solid grip. Shepard flashed him a smile, “Walk and talk, Detective, walk and talk!”
Determined to not let the Commander know she had unsettled him, Garrus filled her in on what he had found and the frustrating lack of information. He told her more than he should have, but that was a common effect with Shepard, people spilled their guts around her. Figuratively. Literally. He had seen the vids, read the articles. As they reached an older human in a crisp Alliance uniform, Shepard dropped his hand, smoothed her dress uniform down, rolled her shoulders back, and… threw him a wink. “Stay sharp, Detective!”
Shepard thought she was hilarious, and it delighted her to no end the way every turian buzzed with disapproval every time she told them to ‘stay sharp’. Garrus was convinced she’d received one too many head injuries as a child.
As Shepard and the other three humans disappeared up the steps, Garrus wondered if he should wait for her to return. Part of him really wanted to, some part of him always got stuck in the orbit of Shepard. She was magnetic, enthusiastic, and hellbent no matter the task. And that traitorous part of him missed her so badly he would follow her directly into the sun if she asked. Another part wanted to walk to the nearest pole and slam his head into it. Repeatedly. Until he lost consciousness. A third, perhaps self-saving part of his brain, suggested he should follow up on some leads. He took one last look up the stairs before heading back to his office in the C-Sec headquarters.
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Shepard stomped back down the stairs ready to set the entire Citadel on fire. Her vision was tinged blue and she could feel her biotics skittering under her skin. The Council needed more definitive proof of Saren’s betrayal. She would get them their proof and then she would shove it down their throats, maybe the Turian Councillor in particular. The way he condescended her made her wish there hadn’t been a 20 foot gap between them. Ten feet and she could have made the warp with ease, but 20 was just shy of her maximum range. Stupid spiky bastard. Her head whipped around, scanning the lower landing, searching for another spiky bastard with blue eyes and maybe information on Saren that could be this side of useful.
Finding the space sans spiky bastards, Shepard sighed and turned to her crew. She could sort through the hole in her chest later. When she was alone she could reflect on why the empty landing hurt so bad. But right now, she was Commander Shepard and she had a job to do. Ashley looked pissed. She had more than a few colorful comments about each of the councilors in turn, and a particularly creative one about Udina that Shepard tucked away for later use. Kaiden looked irate, his brows nearly merging into a single line of indignation, and like he would happily go back up the stairs and keep arguing, if she gave him permission of course. Shepard put her hands on her hips and sighed, again. She had a feeling sighing was going to become a personality trait at this rate. Udina wanted them to talk to a contact of his named Harkin, but Shepard already knew who they needed to talk to, and where to find him. “Alright. We have our mission. Find… something, anything, on Saren. Our best bet? Our turian friend in C-Sec. Let’s go.”
Ash made a rude comment about birds and Kaiden looked uncomfortable, but they followed her anyway. Alliance soldiers, loyal to a fault once you’ve pulled their ass out of the fire. Shepard stormed through the Citadel at a clipped pace with a face like thunderclouds that had even seasoned officers side stepping her. She made a mental note to give Kaiden and Ash some R&R time before they left the Citadel so they could actually enjoy the sights, rather than seeing what was arguably an amazing structure at a break neck pace following her.
Her warpath took them through C-Sec headquarters, just on the edge of the Presidium and the Zakera Ward. She played a hundred scenarios in her head for when she found Garrus again, her shoulders rotating between hunched to her ears or back with arrogant ease. She could commiserate with his frustration with the council, convince him to leave his job, ask him to join her in the hunt for Saren. Kind, courteous, Jane Shepard. She could order him to help them, leverage not only her knowledge of turians but her specific knowledge of him against him, make him see that helping her was his only option. Bossy, rude, Commander Shepard. She could… apologize for their last meeting, the truly awful things she had said. Honest, truthful, his friend. But… he wanted to pretend they’d never met before. How can he just erase 20 years of history? How can they just ignore what happened before, and move forward?
“Com-“ “Skip-“ Ash and Kaiden both tried to grab Shepard’s attention before she collided full force with a lot of armor, but she was so deep in her own thoughts she missed their calls. Had she been in her armor (which she had wanted but Udina had insisted on dress blues), her shields would have absorbed the confrontation and she would have remained standing. As it were, she had no shields, and a fresh bruise on her ass where she had pinged off of the grey-plated turian with white clan markings.
Shepard stood, dusting herself off, ready to kowtow her way out of a diplomatic nightmare when she finally assessed who exactly she had just bulldozed into. She pulled back slightly in surprise and then smiled, “Chellick!”
Chellick blinked at Shepard in a way that reminded her of a very startled owl before he seemed to relax and gave her the turian equivalent of a smile, “Shepard! Spirits, what are you doing here?”
“Oh you know, kicking ass, saving humanity, the usual.” Shepard mimed flicking her hair over her shoulder, despite its above shoulder, Alliance regulation length.
Chellick laughed and arched a brow plate, “And becoming well-acquainted with the floor?”
Shepard went to respond when Kaiden coughed, drawing Shepard’s attention over to him and Ash. “Friend of yours, Commander?”
“Oh, right, sorry guys. Chellick, Kaiden Alenko and Ashley Williams, part of my crew.” Shepard held her arms out like she was showing off a car for sale. It was at that moment that Ash realized that Shepard might actually just be… like that. Shepard seemed to just have a penchant for the dramatic. “Crew, Decian Chellick, we went to school together. He used to tutor me in math, I was a ve-e-ry good student.”
Chellick said ‘she was not’ as Kaiden asked if Shepard knew every turian on the Citadel. Shepard swatted Chellick’s arm (forgetting again she had no armor of her own and that smacking armor was an unwise decision). She was surprised by the petulance in Kaiden’s tone, his normally respectful attitude tested by his Commander’s seeming familiarity and ease around an alien species that was best known for being the aggressors of the First Contact War.
“I’m assuming you ran into another old acquaintance?” Chellick inclined his head towards Kaiden’s comment.
Shepard, for once, looked slightly sheepish. “Yeah… Garrus… actually we’re looking for him.”
“Oh. So that’s why he stormed through here in an even fouler mood than normal, which is actually impressive.” Chellick rolled a shoulder and looked around at the other officers. A few had looked their way when Shepard fell, but most had lost interest in the small fiery human and her human entourage. Still, the fewer prying eyes and ears the better. He motioned for Shepard and crew to follow him to his office.
Chellick’s office was sparse, utilitarian, safe. Shepard snorted and couldn’t help a laugh that bubbled up from her chest. At Ash’s slightly concerned, curious look, Shepard said “utili-turian. You know because they’re… utilitarian.”
“Fascinating, Skipper.” Ash’s voice was flat. Shepard wondered if she regretted hopping aboard the Normandy, maybe dying on Eden Prime would have been preferential.
Chellick seemed to either not get the joke or was stoutly ignoring Shepard, either option was believable. Chellick settled in at his desk, booting his computer up with a swipe of his Omni-tool. “Garrus left half an hour ago, probably still chasing down leads on Saren. Even though Pallin is going to skin him alive for disobeying him.”
Shepard settled a hip against Chellick’s desk and tapped her foot. “We’ve got nothing else to go on. We need him to help us.”
“Right, so… how did it go?” He drew out the ‘go’ like he was unsure if it was actually a question. “Surprised I couldn’t hear you two yelling at each other from here.”
“Actually… he pretended not to know me… and I held his hand.”
Chellick paused his typing to level a look at Shepard from over his computer. His expression was inscrutable, but his sub harmonics appeared to be warring between laughter and horror. He went back to typing, his mandibles shifting in a way that equated to a human biting their lip to not laugh, “Never change, Shepard. The galaxy would be a dull place without you.”
Kaiden turned to Shepard, his arms crossed, his brows still far more furrowed than they should be. Shepard thought about telling him that his face was going to get stuck that way. “Alright, Commander, what’s the deal between you and this Garrus guy. He like an ex-boyfriend or something?”
Chellick started half choking, his shoulders shaking in fits of laughter. Shepard caught the sneer on the word boyfriend and made a mental note to implement alien sensitivity training with her crew. Shepard rubbed the back of her neck, something she did when she really wished she could find an out from a conversation. “I shot his dad in the face. We lived together for a bit after that, here on the Citadel, while the Alliance found me a new family.”
Shepard looked down at her feet, dress blue shoes polished to a reflective shine. She caught her own face in them as she had once caught her seven-year-old reflection in Castis’ helmet.
Kaiden shifted uncomfortably, “Your Alliance records never mention you being in foster care, and they certainly never mention living with a turian family.”
Shepard leveled a stare at Kaiden, her face shifted into ‘the Commander’, impassive, no nonsense. “You think the Alliance wants anyone to know my first confirmed kill was at 7 and it earned me a seat at an alien dinner table for 5 years?”
Ash spluttered, “You killed his dad!? And they adopted you!?”
“What?” Shepard looked over sharply at Ash, “No! Fuck, Ash, no! I killed a batarian slaver. I just shot Castis. He lived. He’s still alive!”
Ash looked momentarily relieved, the panic slowly fading from her face. She and Kaiden seemed to be mulling over what she had told them. Shepard steeled her heart against the judgement. Most of the Alliance doesn’t know, most of the Alliance will never know, but her crew, her team, they deserved to know the truth. She sighed, letting her shoulders drop slightly, “Listen, once we’ve stopped Saren, I’ll tell you guys the whole sordid affair.”
Chellick cleared his throat, “Garrus is headed to a med clinic in the wards. He’s tracking down a quarian I spoke to a few days ago.”
“And you know that how?” Shepard leaned over his computer. Her eyes sweeping over the terminal outputs.
“Garrus doesn’t change his passwords when he’s supposed to,” Chellick shrugged.
Shepard avoided asking Chellick why his first thought had been to literally hack into someone else’s terminal. “…Right. So quarian you already spoke to?”
“Ugh… just some suit rat that stowed away aboard a ship. Told her to find honest work and to get the hell off the station. Turns out she can’t follow simple instructions and got herself tangled up with the Shadow Broker.”
Shepard frowned at the term ‘suit rat’ and chided Chellick for his xenophobia. Chellick waved her off but gave them the nav point for the clinic. She waved to him as they left, “Thanks Chellick. Stay sharp!”
“See ya Shepard. Hey, when you see Garrus? Tell him to change his fucking passwords, that’s just embarrassing.”