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The Birds and the Bees aka Snakes and Caves

Summary:

Ilya and Sofia talk about where babies come from

Notes:

Well I hope this makes you guys laugh out loud! I was laughing so hard I had to stop a couple of times before posting.

I don't want to give too much away, so please enjoy!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“So in a few months time, you three are going to have a new brother or sister.” 

“Or both.” Ilya said.

“Eh, don’t listen to your Papa. We probably won’t have both.” 

The boys said nothing, they knew all about new babies and getting another was not going to be anything new Shane knew that. 

Shane focused on Sofia instead. “Do you have any questions sweetheart?” 

“Hmmm nope! Except, can I go play?” 

“Um, sure I guess.” 

Sofia hopped off the couch and rushed off to play. He looked at Ilya who shrugged. 

“Maybe she’ll bring it up at bedtime.” 

She didn’t. 


A few days later, Ilya and Sofia sat in the Den. 

Ilya was going over the budget for the Irina Foundation on his laptop, while Sofia colored in a coloring book that Rose had brought on her last visit. 

The two sat in companionable silence as the fire crackled in the fireplace and the song that Elijah was playing on the Piano filled the air. 

The silence was broken when Sofia’s tiny voice spoke up. 

“Papa? Where do babies come from?” 

Ilya’s fingers stumbled over the keys of his laptop and he looked up at his daughter. 

“Hmmm? What?”

“Where do babies come from?” She said it a little louder, clearly their 4 year old thought he was going deaf in his old age. 

“Uhhh well Sofia, that is something you should ask your Daddy. Why don’t you go find him?” 

“I can’t, he took Ren to Hockey member?” 

“Oh right, uh oh Jesus.” He looked at those waiting blue eyes and swallowed. 

“Right, every Alpha has a...ah...uh...s-snake!” 

“A snake?” 

“Da, a snake.” 

“Is it a big snake?” 

“Ehhh it depends on the Alpha. And! Every Omega has eh...a cave.” 

“A cave?” 

“Da, a cave.” 

“Do I have one?” 

“No yet, you will not get one until you’re….32.” 

“That’s old!” 

“Not old enough in my opinion.” 

“Huh?” 

“Nothing, nothing. Now! Every so often, an Alpha’s...snake needs to visit an Omega’s cave. To uhhh keep warm.” 

Ilya swallowed and pressed on. “And sometimes, when the snake gets really warm, it will spit in the Omega’s cave.” 

“Spit?”

“Da, da. And the spit is...magical. It makes babies. And when that happens, a baby will form in the Omega’s tummy and grow.” 

“So...your snake spit in Daddy’s tummy and made me? And the new baby.” 

“Exactly! You got it right.” 

“Oh…” 

“Anything else I can answer for you?” 

“Nope! I am going to go show Lijah my picture.” 

“Da, you do that.” 

Ilya watched as his daughter skipped out of the Den and blew out a loud sigh. Why did these things happen when Shane was never around? 

He took a breath and went back to his budget, he was better with numbers. 


The next morning was a calm one.

Sofia was eating her oatmeal, Ilya was drinking a cup of coffee before taking the boys to school, and Shane was packing up lunches. 

Ilya was enjoying the calm until Sofia started talking. 

“Daddy! Guess what? Papa told me where babies come from!” 

Ilya sputtered into his coffee and started coughing as Shane looked at him, and then Sofia. 

"Did he now?” 

“Uh huh! He told me about how Alpha’s have snakes and Omega’s have caves.” 

Ilya choked on his coffee again which made it fume up around his face. Shane shot him a look, and then looked at their daughter. 

“Snakes and Caves huh?” 

“Uh huh!” 

“And what did Papa say about these Snakes and Caves?” Ilya groaned again and grabbed a napkin trying to hide his red face.

“That some Alpha's have big Snakes!" 

Ilya started to rise, clearly looking to run for it, but Shane pressed his hand into Ilya's shoulder. “Don’t move, I will deal with you in a minute. Go on Sofia, what else did Papa say?” 

“He said that all Omega’s have caves, but I won’t get mine until I am 32. And that’s old! But not old enough in Papa’s pinion.”

“Indeed.” Shane drawled as Ilya groaned again. 

“But he said that every snake has to visit the cave to keep warm, and when the snake gets really warm, it spits! And that makes a baby!” 

“Oh my God.” Ilya groaned into the table. 

“Well, Papa is just a pot full of knowledge isn’t he?” 

“Uh huh! When I told Ren and Elijah, they said that was amazing cause they didn’t know that."

Ilya lifted his head fast. “What?” 

“Uh huh! They said they couldn’t wait to ask you more questions.” 

“Oh those little shits, no wonder they've been snickering behind my back.” 

He jerked back from the table and stomped to the doorway that led to the Den. “Oh boys! Come and talk to your Papa!” 

Sofia heard the boys start to laugh hysterically, and then they burst into the kitchen, heading for the living room. Papa started chasing them and yelling at them for being shit heads. 

She gasped at the bad word, and was going to tell her Daddy, but he was already chasing the others, yelling after them. 

Sofia sighed softly and went back to her Oatmeal. 

Her family was so strange sometimes.

Notes:

I hope you guys laughed long and loud.

For housekeeping, Sofia is 4, Ren is 11 and Elijah is 13. The large age gap will be explained in a future fic.

Comments and Kudos are love!

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