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Youngjae had always been like a little brother to Jaebum. When he had joined them just seven months before debut, the boy had been all shy and chubby cheeks and the most amazing voice, so naturally, Jaebum had grown to be very protective of him. Youngjae had had a lot of insecurities then, but over the years, he had grown more confident, lost a bit of his baby fat from his face and his voice was even more heavenly with the amount of work he had put into his vocal classes, impressing everyone from their teachers to their producers.
Jaebum was immensely proud of him.
But the couple of years were all the difference to how Jaebum was able to see the other boy. He had never consciously decided or wanted to change his views from the cute, shy boy to anything else, but Youngjae had matured in more ways than one, and Jaebum was finding his eyes slipping too often to follow the lines of Youngjae’s throat and shoulder blades whenever they happened to come into his line of vision for no other reason than that he found the younger boy attractive, and he was pretty sure Jinyoung was starting to notice with the meaningful stares the singer threw him whenever he would catch Jaebum staring at Youngjae.
Jaebum knew it was completely wrong in so many ways for him to even consider anything with the younger boy who looked up to him as a leader, a hyung, as someone with power and responsibility, and he chastised himself so many times about it, telling himself that he would stop. So many times had Jaebum decided that he would only see Youngjae as the adorable happy boy he had been during their debut and not this… still cheerful, but confident and dangerously good-looking and mature man Youngjae had become, but it was impossible to ignore what he knew was the truth when Youngjae wore short sleeves to dance practice and sweat would run down the veins on his throat and the subtle muscles of his arms, and it was horrible because why was Jaebum looking at Youngjae like this, but none of the other five, supposedly equally sexy and attractive boys?
It was only torture that they slept in the same room, in the same bed because that's what it was although they claimed it was just mattresses pushed together to save space in the tiny dorm (they could have just gotten a bunk bed like the others). It was Jaebum’s own fault, he had before their debut adopted Youngjae to share a room with him to make the boy not feel too left out, and he just did not find a good enough reason not to now - it seemed that Mark and Youngjae spent a lot of time together so it would be logical for them to room together maybe, but despite the bug episode Mark was not willing to move away from the room he shared with Jackson. Jaebum had tried to suggest that perhaps it was someone else’s time to get a room alone since Jinyoung had had the luxury for quite some time, but the death glare he got from the black-haired singer quickly shut him up. Getting away from Youngjae should not be a priority for him at all, and it was not worth dying for. Anyway, Youngjae spent most of his time in Mark’s and Jackson’s room when Jackson was away in China on schedules, so it was not like Jaebum had to share space with him all the time anymore. Just, a lot of the time.
Like now. They were preparing for their comeback, having JYP Nation concerts and their finale concerts in Seoul, so even Jackson was mostly at the dorm, having arranged his schedule so that he was needed in China for the absolute minimum at this stage of the filmings. Mark was happy of course, but Jaebum was sleeping worse, very self-conscious about the fact that he had gotten cuddly with Youngjae before in his sleep and really, the last thing he needed right now was to wake up to Youngjae in his arms just because he had not been able to keep his hands to himself while he slept.
Thankfully with their schedule they had so long practices that after returning to the dorms and having gotten his own turn in the showers, Jaebum would fall into the bed so tired that he was not afraid to go to sleep easily, feeling sure he would sleep so heavily that he would not budge or bother Youngjae at night.
One of the nights he had the most wonderful dream though, although he would not admit that to himself or anyone else. He dreamt of Youngjae nuzzling into his chest, telling him he liked him, and Jaebum cuddled him back, knowing it was a dream, mumbling praises into that soft dark mahogany brown hair, and everything was alright, no pressures, no misuse of authority, nothing. The dream had been broken by Youngjae shifting around on their bed and making Jaebum come into a relative sense of consciousness, but Jaebum had fallen almost immediately back asleep again, having a nightmare about an alternative reality where Jinyoung was the CEO of JYPE with a personal mission to make Jaebum's life a living hell.
Jaebum did not think of himself as the most empathic person. He did his best as a leader to try to read and understand the moods of the other six members so he could navigate any possible problematic situation between the members to the best of his abilities, but it was more something that he had trained himself to do than something he would have been able to always easily do. This was something Jaebum found Mark would have done better as a leader - the LA boy listened carefully and was able to sense other’s moods with accuracy that would be intimidating, if Mark had not used this ability of his to support Jaebum as a leader several times, giving the same-age boy insight into the small nuances and changes Jaebum would not have noticed by himself.
And so it was again this time. Jaebum had not noticed anything, the days busy and everyone feeling more or less stressed with their tight schedule, but after another day of training and returning to the dorms exhausted, Mark pulled him aside from the others, a serious expression on his face, and the rapper was biting the side of his lip like he only did when he felt uncomfortable talking about something. “Do you know why Youngjae is avoiding you?”
“He is?” Jaebum obviously had not noticed, and he quickly went over his and Youngjae's interactions these past few days in his head. Now that he thought about it, the young singer had been a bit terser perhaps than usual, but Jaebum had thought it to be just stress. “No, I didn't notice, and I can't immediately come up with any reason why he would be.”
Mark nodded in affirmation, fingers fiddling with the hem of his oversized t-shirt as he spoke. “Well, he definitely is, and I thought you should know. It'd probably be the best to take it up with him.”
Mark's words stayed with him as Jaebum laid still on his side of their mattresses, wanting to toss and turn but not daring to move as he listened to the soft, regular breathing of his dongsaeng, laying on the opposite end, as far from Jaebum as he could. Perhaps the oldest of them was right, although Jaebum could not come up with anything that he had done wrong lately towards the young singer, no matter how he racked his brain.
Jaebum was not really one for dancing around a subject, so after he had managed to wake the younger boy up the next morning after another atrociously badly slept night, he confronted him while they still were in the relative privacy of their room and could talk freely.
“Is everything alright between us?”
Jaebum could see the younger boy stiffen where he had been going through his wardrobe to pick out some clothes for the day. Youngjae straightened his back perfectly, and when he turned to face Jaebum, Jaebum could tell the smile on his face was too wide and forced. “Yes! It’s fine! We’re friends.”
Youngjae chose his clothes and got out of the room to change elsewhere in record time, which only verified to Jaebum that something was definitely wrong.
Jaebum tried to catch Youngjae alone the whole day, and now that he really tried to seek to be in Youngjae’s company, he noticed how the younger avoided him with as much subtlety as possible, coming up with excuses here and there to not be next to Jaebum, or to get out of the room quickly if he looked like he and Jaebum were going to be left in a room alone.
Jaebum was starting to get very frustrated. He was already stressed out, and Youngjae was obviously avoiding him, but the younger boy acted like nothing was wrong. By now both Jinyoung and Mark were sending Jaebum meaningful looks, and Jaebum did not like at all that they seemed to know exactly what was going on, and he did not, and no amount of asking Jinyoung to tell him what he thought was wrong with Youngjae got the singer to reveal anything to Jaebum, and Jaebum maybe felt slightly betrayed. Maybe. They had spent so many years together as trainees after all. It seemed like everyone who was aware of the situation (what situation?) was on Youngjae’s side, and Jaebum still did not know what he had supposedly done wrong.
But no matter how Youngjae had avoided him during the day, it did not matter since they had their solo stage practices in the late afternoon, and there would be no one but the two of them present. Youngjae tried to talk himself out of it, suggesting that they knew the routine well enough that they could skip practice, but Jaebum only had to insist that he was feeling a bit anxious because this was their first concert in Seoul that he got to fully attend, and Youngjae had to comply.
Well, Youngjae was right to feel reluctant to be left alone with Jaebum if confrontation was what he wanted to avoid, because the moment the door to the smaller dance studio with the piano closed behind them, Jaebum crowded the shorter boy against it, shoulders and jaw tensed as he studied Youngjae's expression closely with his eyes. “Alright, I get it, you're avoiding me. Can you tell me what I've done wrong so I can apologize and we can move on?”
Youngjae looked like a deer in headlights, tightly pressed against the door to be as far away from Jaebum as he could, shoulders almost at his ears for a moment until he forcibly tried to relax, eyes flitting all over the place, seeking escape that Jaebum was not giving him. Youngjae seemed skittish and apprehensive, but mostly just confused and Jaebum wanted to finally know why.
“I just…” Youngjae fumbled with words, but Jaebum was patient, although he was slowly being more aware about how close their bodies were, and that the thin t-shirt Youngjae wore clung to the plains of his chest and stomach, his body smelling of sweat much like Jaebum surely did, they had just had dance practice after all and had not showered yet. It should not be attractive in any way, the way Youngjae’s body smelled, but it was. Jaebum tried to push that thought to the back of his mind and focus on the problem at hand.
Suddenly Youngjae’s expression hardened as he seemed to gather his wits, a furrow appearing between his eyebrows as he glared at Jaebum. “Are you kidding? Why are you acting like this? First you reject me and then you act surprised that I maybe need some space? Jaebum-hyung, please, I need some time, okay?”
The words took a moment to sink in. Youngjae had crossed his arms in front of himself so that they were brushing Jaebum’s chest. He was looking somewhere over Jaebum’s shoulder, avoiding his eyes on purpose.
“What? When have I rejected you? Wait, you mean you like like me or what??” Jaebum's thoughts were racing, trying to understand, but they were just stuck in a loop of ‘Have I rejected Youngjae?’ - ‘What does he mean by reject?’ - ‘Does that mean he likes me?’ - ‘What if he likes me?’ - ‘Why would I reject him if he likes me?’ - ‘Shouldn't I reject him if he likes me?’. The only thing he really found out was that rejecting Youngjae's possibly-maybe feelings was a horribly unpleasant thought, a conflict between something that Jaebum felt that he would not like to name and his responsibilities as a leader of the group.
Youngjae looked flustered and panicky now. Jaebum finally had the sense to take his hands away from the door from framing Youngjae's head, and maybe the physical space between them would give Jaebum more space to think. It did not. Youngjae stayed against the door, and Jaebum felt awkward standing a step away. He did not want to analyze why being closer had been more comfortable.
“Wh-What are you playing at? Don’t tell me you don’t remember, three days ago, I let it slip because I did not realize you were awake?”
Jaebum blinked, racking his memory for answers, coming up with nothing. Unless… “That wasn’t a dream?”
Youngjae's eyes widened almost comically, mouth closing and opening and Jaebum had to say something, because it looked like the younger would have a heart attack.
“That's the only thing I could think of? I was honestly sure I was dreaming, and I don’t know what I said, but I said it thinking none of it was real, so, can we scratch that and start from the beginning. So... you like me?”
Blood was rushing in Jaebum’s ears and he was pretty sure he was not thinking straight, diving head first into this. He had the distinct feeling that he was being reckless, and he should stop and think before he spoke, but his heart could not take the way Youngjae seemed so vulnerable standing there, honestly thinking Jaebum had rejected him. Jaebum did not want to think straight and reasonably if that meant Youngjae would have to look at him with helplessness and heartbreak in his eyes, like he did now, clearly not knowing how he should react to the news of Jaebum apparently not meaning to have rejected him the first time, but obviously expecting that to happen again now, a resigned hunch to his shoulders.
“Yes, I do.”
And that was that, the final nail to the coffin. The cat was out of the bag, and now that Youngjae’s feelings were said out loud, there was no taking them back, no preventing that this would have some impact on their group, and the inevitability of it made the choice easier for Jaebum. “Would you want to go out with me?”
Youngjae scoffed, finally stepping away from the door, raking a hand through his dark brown hair, obviously agitated, but at least he did not appear so vulnerable anymore, just stressed as the situation they were facing was new and unknown, and Youngjae obviously did not know what he was supposed to do. “Obviously, yes.”
Well, not that Jaebum knew what he was doing either. “Okay, let’s.”
Youngjae turned on his heel from where he had been pacing away from Jaebum, a bewildered expression on his face, those gorgeous eyes meeting Jaebum’s warily. “What did you say?”
Jaebum followed the movement of Youngjae’s adam’s apple as the younger boy swallowed nervously, and the decision he only made half consciously solidified in his mind. “I said, let’s. Let’s go out, and figure out how it would work.”
Youngjae was frozen in his place for such a long moment that Jaebum started wondering if he had said something wrong. He nervously stuffed his hands into the pockets of the loose sweatpants he was wearing today, feeling increasingly awkward, but then Youngjae was moving, pretty much launching himself at the older boy, arms coming to wrap themselves around Jaebum's neck as he buried his face into Jaebum's shoulder. Youngjae’s body was slightly shaking, and Jaebum had wrapped his arms around the younger boy before he could think to do it, noting how much he liked holding Youngjae's smaller frame against his own.
Jaebum meant it perfectly innocently when he angled his head so he could press a kiss on the side of Youngjae’s neck, but the shiver he got in response took his mind onto completely dirty tracks. Everything was moving too fast, and when Youngjae raised his head to look up at the taller boy’s face Jaebum’s body moved on its own, lips coming down to sweep Youngjae’s into a kiss. It only took a nip on Youngjae’s bottom lip and the younger boy was opening his mouth and sliding his tongue against Jaebum’s, everything falling into place scarily easily. When he gently bit on Youngjae’s bottom lip again, the younger hummed in pleasure and Jaebum was gone, all reserve thrown out of the window, and then he was pressing the younger against the mirrored wall on the studio, tasting all that he could, his hands coming to roam under Youngjae’s shirt. He was moving way too fast, but then Youngjae was rolling his hips against Jaebum’s and the pleasure that jolted down his spine was impossible to deny. Jaebum found himself growling, moving to nip and kiss down the expanse of that throat he had spent too much time thinking about, tasting sweat when he dipped his tongue into the hollow of Youngjae’s throat, before he was interrupted by the younger tugging on his tank top insistently, and he took the hint, taking half a step back to take it off and throw it wherever.
Youngjae was so attractive, standing against the mirrored wall, his head tilted to the side to display the line of his neck that Jaebum was pretty sure he had an obsession with. Youngjae’s t-shirt was halfway up his stomach and Jaebum gave the younger a meaningful look that got the singer to realize that he was supposed to return the topless favor, and he did, and then they were kissing again, and everything was so much better with skin against skin. Youngjae was very vocal, small sighs and whines escaping his lips as Jaebum allowed his hands to roam the plains of the shorter boy’s stomach and back, marveling at the feel and feeling so high, so far away from reality, because how could this possibly be real? He had never allowed himself to look at Youngjae this way although he did, and now he could touch and hear the younger boy whimper when he brushed his hands low on his abdomen. Jaebum did not bother to try to restrict the urge to roll his hips against Youngjae’s again, starting a slow but steady rhythm that got both their breathing unsteady and Youngjae to tremble against him, hands slipping from Jaebum’s waist to hold his hips, guiding the movement.
Jaebum had not known this sexual side of Youngjae at all, but damn if he did not love it. Their breaths were coming short, and sweat was gathering on Youngjae’s temples and the side of his neck, and Jaebum trailed his tongue up the vein of Youngjae’s throat, his hands coming to boldly grab hold of Youngjae’s ass, pressing him more firmly against himself and vividly regretting not carrying around a bottle of lube always with him, because there was not much else than dry humping that they could do like this. That was probably good, considering how sudden all of this was, but Jaebum could not help but feel a bit sour about it when Youngjae was biting his way down his throat, hands pressing at his back to hold him as close as possible, a whine muffled into the taller boy’s skin when Jaebum squeezed his buttocks firmly.
They would have time for exploring that side more freely later, he guessed. For now it was enough to map the inside of Youngjae’s mouth with his tongue, and feel the way Youngjae’s short nails slightly dug into his back when Jaebum did a good roll of hips. For now it was perfect to just feel that Youngjae was as into this as he was, his body warm and hard and eagerly moving against his, the same dazed and marvelling look on his beautifully flushed face that Jaebum probably had on his.
There was still a lot they needed to figure out, but with just the experience of the last few minutes, Jaebum knew it would be worth all and any trouble.
It would be alright. They would be alright.