Chapter Text
Rudo didn’t recognize his own reflection anymore.
No matter how long he stood here, staring into the bathroom mirror, he couldn’t get his brain to register the fact that was him. All he saw was a massive, hunchbacked wolf with his eyes. Standing on two legs which didn’t bend right, wearing comically undersized clothes, and baring its teeth in a seemingly permanent scowl. It was the face of a stranger- or rather, an animal. Sort of.
A human couldn’t stop being a human. That was what Rudo said when faced with Mymo’s delusions of godhood. He believed it too. The problem was…
Rudo wasn’t sure he ever felt like a human in the first place.
For as long as he could remember; Rudo would look at other people, whether they be city or tribesfolk, his age or older, and instinctively understand that he wasn’t like them. There was a hole in him. Something vital to the human experience was missing. Rudo didn’t even know what specifically. Only the gaping outline it left behind.
That awareness went both ways, unfortunately. His wrongness was common knowledge. Even the other tribesfolk, who shared in his squalor, saw him as less than a flea-ridden dog.
Everyone on the sphere called him a monster. And now they were right.
In order to beat the shit out of that pseudo deity, Rudo made the ultimate sacrifice. His body. He used his power on himself - transforming into something that could contend against Mymo while fully expecting to die afterwards.
Mymo shaped himself into the image of a false god. Holy and otherworldly. Rudo’s only concern was taking down his opponent, so he aimed his sights lower. Inspired by August’s clothes; he took the form of a predator.
Rudo’s memories were a blur of teeth, ichor, and primal rage after that point.
He lived in the end. Gountess pulled through. Not only saving Rudo’s life, but his sanity as well. The man manually stitched Rudo’s mind, frayed into a feral state by the transformation, back together through the connection the choker gave them. Just in the nick of time too.
When Rudo came back to consciousness, Mymo was naught but viscera… and Amo was pinned underneath him. His fangs inches away from her throat, and Riyo’s scissors closed around Rudo’s own neck - prepared to guillotine him. If Gountess was a single second late, the situation would’ve turned deadly. One way or another.
Rudo admittedly panicked. Of course he did. The boy turned wolf ran away without sparing a word to anyone; feet- or rather, paws carrying him to what he instinctively considered safe. The nearest trashheap. Gountess tattled on his hiding spot almost immediately, so it ended up being pointless.
There was a long discussion Rudo wasn’t privy to between the Cleaners and the Hell Guard’s regarding what to do with him afterwards.
Ultimately, he hadn't hurt anyone besides Mymo. No crimes were committed. That kept him out of the Hell Guard’s hands and on house arrest instead. He heard the words ‘probation period’ tossed around some. Rudo didn’t ask for the details. He just reluctantly followed orders to return home; tail literally tucked in between his legs.
It’d been two days since the doll festival. Rudo locked himself in his room as soon as they got back. And, in that time, he hadn’t left since. Not even for food. At this point he wasn’t sure he ever planned to.
Logically, Rudo knew he wasn’t going to go berserk again. Not as long as he kept Gountess’ choker on. The other gifter made sure of it - all while profusely apologizing for being unable to help more.
For better or for worse though (it was usually for worse) emotions were his forte. No amount of safety measures made the thought of showing his wolfish face to his friends any less terrifying. Regardless of how much he wanted to.
Rudo missed everyone. A lot.
...
He didn’t want to think about this anymore.
Hanging his head in defeat, Rudo sighed. Trying to familiarize himself with this body was only making him feel worse. Better go back to keeping himself distracted.
Remembering to crouch, he squeezed through the doorway out of the bathroom. He hated being this big. Rudo never had high hopes for his height. Mostly because of undernourishment. He expected to cap out at 5’6 max. Cut to him now. Barely able to fit inside a building after gaining four feet of height in a matter of minutes.
Rudo had to be careful where he stepped. The floor in his room was littered with broken down knickknacks; simply waiting for a caring touch to put them back together.
He scoured the pile for anything of immediate interest. A brass pocket watch caught his attention.
The casing itself was an easy fix. Rudo only had to replace a snapped hinge and repair a few dents. It was the wind-up mechanics inside that were the real kicker. The watch’s gears were all sorts of messed up, and their tiny size made fiddling hard. So he put the task off for a later date.
A challenge sounded good right about now. That’d take his mind off of things. Probably.
Rudo grabbed the watch and sat down on his floorbound mattress; resting on his haunches like a dog. It creaked under his weight. The bedframe it used to sit on had snapped previously. A set of tools were laid at the wayside. He grabbed the tiniest tweezers available and set to work.
The watch was ludicrously small in his hand. Rudo had finally grown into his oversized gloves. That didn’t feel like an accomplishment.
It was easy to lose himself in the tinkering. There was something meditative about it. He’d overheard Regto call his fascination with garbage ‘self-projecting’ once or twice. Rudo wished he could argue the claim. He couldn’t fix himself, but he could repair what others considered junk - especially when no one else would bother to.
Hunched over, one eye closed, and tongue poking slightly out; Rudo was hyperfocused on winding the miniature gears. Just when he was about to get it aligned-
CRUNCH!
The watch crumbled in his hand. In his overeagerness… Rudo accidentally misjudged his strength when gripping it.
Shakily, he unclenched his fist. Bits of scrap metal fell from his palm - raining to the floor with a chorus of clinks. He watched on, feeling numb to the core. From experience, he knew that this amount of damage was unsalvageable. The most Rudo could do now was recycle the pieces for later projects. If that.
He’d ruined it.
...
Rudo gingerly put the tweezers down. Then, without a second’s pause, punched the nearest wall and screamed.
There was nothing human about the sound. It was raw, primal, and unimaginably agonized. Like a rabid animal’s death rattle.
Fuck. FUCK. God fucking DAMN IT, Rudo couldn’t do anything right! All this body was good for was hurting people. That was the whole point. He was supposed to defeat Mymo-
(he didn’t mean to kill Mymo he really didn’t but he tore Mymo to shreds with his teeth and he enjoyed it what was wrong with him he was a murderer)
-and that was it! Purpose fulfilled, done and done, ash to ash or whatever. Why was he pretending otherwise!? Rudo couldn’t go back to normal. He was such an idiot. Gountess should’ve let him DIE-
There was a knock at the door.
Rudo froze, ears standing up on high alert. Someone was outside his room. Scenting the air, he caught an aroma of tobacco and perfume emitting from the other side of the door. Enjin, then.
This wasn’t the first time the older cleaner came a knocking; aiming to lure Rudo out. Rudo just ignored him before. Now however? Rage found a new target to lash out at, despite his better judgement.
He roared, “I’M NOT-“
Rudo was going to finish that sentence with ‘COMING OUT!’. The words were cut short when something was slid underneath his door with an audible crinkle. His eyes went wide.
It was a treat. Specifically some kind of hard candy, small enough to pass through the doorcrack, and wrapped in plastic. Unthinkingly, Rudo licked his chops. The building hunger that he’d been ignoring this whole time tripled. Reservation remained though. He knew what Enjin’s goal here was. To draw him out of his self-imposed solitude.
Well, tough shit. Because that wasn’t happening. Anger rendered down into frustration nonetheless.
Glaring at the man’s shadow peaking out from beneath the doorcrack, Rudo asked, “Is this supposed to be a bribe?”
“That depends. Is it working?” Enjin replied.
One moment passed. Then another. Eventually, gluttony won out and Rudo pounced on the snack like it was live prey. He barely had the mind to unwrap it before shoving the candy in his mouth. All it took was one crunch for it to shatter into shards of sugar. It tasted heavenly.
“No.” Rudo mumbled, trying to muffle the sound of his chewing.
“Then consider it a gift.” Enjin said.
Rudo could practically hear his shrug. Despite knowing the other wouldn’t see, he rolled his eyes.
Deliciousness aside, though, this candy wasn’t the nutrients his body craved. What he really needed was meat. Raw and bloody. His neglected stomach made a terrible rumbling sound at the thought. It was loud enough that he was certain Enjin heard it as well.
Whatever. Screw this stupid body’s dietary needs, Rudo wanted sweets.
It was as if Enjin heard his thoughts.
“Y’know, I’ve brought some more stuff for you. Too bad it can’t fit underneath the door. Oh, whatever is there to do in this situation? If only this impenetrable barrier between us could be opened or something...” He lamented overdramatically.
Yeah, that’s about what Rudo was expecting. The ploy was obvious. He was foolish enough to fall for it anyway.
The door opened an inch. He stuck his hand out expectantly - shoulder braced against the other side in case Enjin tried to force his way in.
Surprisingly, Enjin did no such thing. He only dropped one of the promised sweets into Rudo’s awaiting palm. Instantly, Rudo wrenched his arm back and shut the door; locking it with a pointed click.
Rudo inspected the second sugary bribe. It was a macaron. He devoured it so fast he barely registered the flavor as pistachio. It wasn’t enough. Not two seconds later, his hand was extended out into the hall once again.
“Gimme more.” He demanded, before remembering to add, “Please.”
Enjin obliged. Something new was forked over. A walnut cookie. Rudo retreated to his hiding place just long enough to feast before returning for another helping.
This pattern continued for a while. Snack after snack after snack. Pastries and candies galore. It was only once Rudo’s guard was down did Enjin dare break it.
When Rudo reached through the crack next, nothing graced his palm. Two seconds passed with him grabbing empty air. Then Enjin said, “If you want this last treat, you’re gonna have to open the door for real.”
Despite expecting this, Rudo still managed to feel hurt. Instantly, the door was slammed shut. A growl escaped his throat before he could think to contain it. The sound was hair-raising. Enjin didn’t treat it as a threat. His tone was annoyingly mellow when he spoke next; as if trying to avoid spooking a stray streetdog.
“I won’t come in, okay? Promise. All I wanna do is talk face-to-face for like… five minutes tops.”
“Why?” Rudo bit the word out.
“Because I’m worried, obviously?” Enjin gawked, as if that was a ridiculous question, “Don’t think I’ll leave before making sure you’re alright. I’m prepared to sit here all night if I have to. And I’ll be annoying about it.”
“…Get lost, Enjin.” Rudo huffed, turning away from the door.
“Well. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.” Enjin sighed, before clearing his throat and beginning to obnoxiously chant, “Hey, heey, heeey, heeeey, heeeeey-“
An entire minute passed like that. Soon enough the word ‘hey’ grated on Rudo’s ears similarly to nails on a chalkboard.
Realizing that Enjin wasn’t kidding, Rudo fisted the doorknob and snapped, “Holy shit shut up!!”
The door slammed wide open; violently enough that it rattled on its hinges. Enjin didn’t flinch. Not at the sudden movement, nor the sight of Rudo. Although, his eyebrows did raise an inch when he had to look up instead of down. Rudo felt judged regardless.
There was a tupperware container in Enjin’s hand. Inside was a slice of cake. Clearly, the man had pulled out all of the stops for this scheme.
Rudo’s appetite vanished as soon as they made eye contact. He snatched the offering up nonetheless. Lowering himself to the ground, he backed away until he was pressed flush against the corner of his room. He knew he was acting like a scared animal. Despite hating it, Rudo couldn’t stop himself.
“Stay over there. I’m serious.” He warned.
“Course. That’s what I promised.”
To prove that point, Enjin sat down cross-legged in the hallway. Seeing that eased Rudo somewhat. He pushed the cake off to the side. That could be a snack for later.
“So!” Enjin said, clapping his hands together, “What’s the matter?”
“Uh, I turned into a fucking wolf.” Rudo stated dryly.
“Really? I hadn’t noticed!” He gasped in fake surprise, before gesturing at the new hole in Rudo’s wall and saying, “No, obviously I mean what happened there.”
Rudo flinched at the reminder. Then, trying to downplay the situation, he puffed underneath his breath, “It’s nothing. Got mad is all.”
“Gonna need more than that, kid. You got angry, why?” Enjin pressed on. It took a second for Rudo to gather the will to respond.
“I broke a pocket watch.” He croaked, “I was trying to fix it… but I forgot how strong I am and I accidentally crushed it. Wasn’t even hard to.”
This was his first time verbalizing a complaint he had with this body, he realized. A dam of emotions burst in his chest. Rudo could only hold back the flood for a brief moment.
Then everything, frustration and grief alike, came pouring out all at once.
He fisted his mane and snarled, “Damn it, I hate this stupid body! It can’t do anything right!”
Enjin’s lips thinned into a straight, bloodless line. He opened his mouth to speak. Rudo didn’t give him a chance to get a word in.
“When I said a human couldn’t stop being a human, I meant someone couldn’t become something better. I didn’t try to be better. No, I made myself worse on purpose specifically to beat Mymo. Him being gone doesn’t change that. Enjin, I’m basically a killing machine! All I’m good for is breaking things and hurting people!”
Rudo choked down a sob. It was the dry kind. Did his tear ducts even work anymore? He wasn’t sure. That was so messed up.
“I thought I was improving at not being angry all the time. But now this-” Rudo thumbed Gountess’ choker, “-is the only thing keeping me from going full psycho. It sucks!”
He curled into a tight, shameful ball.
“Seriously, I almost attacked Amo again. After she forgave me and everything. How am I supposed to face her? Or anyone?! I’m just- I’m dangerous!”
“Kid, you eating a man’s fingers was my first real impression of you. That isn’t new information.” Enjin deadpanned.
That bluntness shocked Rudo out of his spiral, if only for a moment. He leveled Enjin with an unimpressed stare.
“Is that supposed to cheer me up?”
Enjin raised his hands in a display of surrender and said, “My point is, you didn’t scare me then and you don’t scare me now.”
Rudo ducked his head. After a beat of silence, he darkly muttered, “...I can still taste that guy’s blood sometimes. Mymo’s too. I don’t know if I hate it.”
Another pause. Then he said;
“Maybe you should be scared.”
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Enjin deflate at the words. The man ran a hand through his hair with a tight expression - clearly collecting his thoughts before speaking next.
“Well, it’s a good thing that isn’t for you to decide. Can I come closer?”
A few tense seconds passed as Rudo wagered what more; Enjin’s safety or his own comfort. Well, obviously it was the former. Regardless of how deeply Rudo craved a kind touch after the shit show that was the last couple of days. It was better that the man kept away from him…
So it came as a surprise when Rudo shyly nodded.
Carefully telegraphing his movements, Enjin got to his feet. When Rudo didn’t react other than gluing his gaze to the floor, fur on his neck raising while his ears pinned so far back the muscles ached, he approached. Every footstep sounded like a gunshot.
Rudo silently cursed himself for being this skittish. Enjin probably thought he looked pathetic. Rightfully so.
By the time Enjin stood before him; Rudo was as tense as an overly compressed spring - ready to snap at any moment. For some reason, he couldn’t stop growling either. As if Enjin were the threat here. His body and brain were operating on different wavelengths. Despite wanting the man near, Rudo couldn’t accept the affection he literally asked for. Hostility was his default.
Enjin dropped to his knees. Then, without a moment of hesitation, he laid his hand on the crown of Rudo’s head. It was a familiar action. Practically everyone in the Cleaners was obsessed with giving him head pats.
Rudo snarled without meaning to anyway.
No reaction. Enjin ruffled his hair as if nothing had changed. Pretending, or perhaps not caring, that Rudo was posturing like he was about to chomp his fingers off. That nonchalance only made Rudo feel worse about his behavior.
Shamefully, he hid his face in the crook of his crossed arms and whispered, “Sorry. I don’t know why I’m acting like this.”
“Uh, you mean the same as usual?” Enjin raised an eyebrow, “Think about the last time someone patted you on the head real quick for me.”
Rudo blinked, growl dying in his throat.
It took a moment to recall the memory. Of Gris congratulating him after a mission done well. How Rudo automatically stiffened afterwards. Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists as if trying to hold back a punch - despite having no intention of doing so.
After a childhood filled with violence, it was simply his natural reaction to being touched. Rudo always took a few seconds to adjust before loosening up. Aka not that different from what he was doing now. Albeit less animalistically.
At the realization; Rudo’s high-strung instincts finally caught onto the fact that he wasn’t in danger. Muscles untensed, his lip stopped curling, and, cautiously, he leaned into Enjin’s touch with a swish of his tail.
“Oh.” He said quietly.
“We know you don’t mean anything by it. I’d say you’re ‘all bark, no bite’ if not for the finger thing. Maybe ‘mostly bark, sometimes justified cannibalism’ instead?” Enjin suggested teasingly.
Rudo huffed. There was nothing he could say in his defense. Namely because Enjin was right.
The transformation didn’t even need to affect his personality. August had given him a wolf-themed costume for a reason. Borrowing Zanka’s words; he was, quote-on-quote, ‘a feral, aggressive little shit’ by nature. So at least he had that going for him.
Tension slowly fell away under Enjin’s fingers. As embarrassing as it was to admit, Rudo did find the pats comforting. They reminded him of Regto.
God. What Rudo would do for one of his dad’s hugs right about now.
His heart clenched at the thought. All of a sudden, Rudo craved a hug so terribly it hurt. It felt like his skin was crawling with the need to be held. A small, vulnerable part of Rudo was screaming at him to dive into Enjin’s arms. Reservations about accidentally hurting the man be damned.
He’d never been an especially physically affectionate person before. So he didn’t immediately understand where this urge came from. Only one thing had changed in recent days though. It was easy to point fingers the transformation’s way.
Rudo didn’t expect to survive the battle with Mymo. If his hopes were higher; maybe he would’ve had the foresight to base himself on an animal he was actually familiar with, or at the very least wasn’t extinct. Rather than stranding himself in the dark with instincts he didn’t understand.
“Do you know anything about wolves?” He asked, grasping at straws.
“Eh, a little bit. I’ve done some light reading the past few days.” Enjin shrugged a shoulder.
It went without saying why he’d been researching the bygone species. While Rudo locked himself away with no intention of ever leaving, Enjin was already looking into how to accommodate him. Differences and all.
Swallowing down the messy pit of emotions he felt at that, Rudo snarked, “Did it hurt?”
“Haha. Hilarious.” Enjin mock laughed, “Ask your question already.”
Rudo worried at his lip for a moment before meekly admitting, “I really want a hug. It’s weird. Is that a wolf thing?”
“I’d say that’s a normal thing to want in general… but, yeah, probably wolf related. At least partially. They’re supposed to be pack animals.”
He didn’t have to contemplate the implications of that for long. As soon as he heard the term, the Cleaners automatically slid into place. The crippling amount of longing he’d felt the past few days made more sense now. Rudo didn’t just miss his friends. He missed his pack. That and the physical affection they brought.
Rudo wanted Gris to pat his head again. Or have Riyo play with his hair. He missed bumping shoulders with Follo, the Stilzas’ touches as they performed their separate jobs, and Guita’s surprise hugs. Fuck, he even missed roughhousing with Zanka. The absence was eating at him like a parasite.
And Amo? After what’d happened, he was terrified to even look at her... but, somehow, he yearned for her gentle hands the most. A downright pitiful whine resounded from the back of his throat. Rudo wished he could take the humiliating sound back.
Sensing how delicate this situation was, Enjin kept his tone carefully casual when he offered, “You wanna bring it in then?”
He really did. There was no point denying it.
“…This doesn’t leave this room.” Rudo threatened. It was a poor attempt to salvage his wounded pride. He felt like such a cringey little kid for asking for a hug.
“Damn, no bragging rights for me.” Enjin clicked his tongue in disappointment, before extending his arms out.
Rudo didn’t want his fangs anywhere near Enjin’s neck. So, instead, he leaned forward, bending down, and tucked his elongated face against the other’s chest. Arms wrapped around his shoulders. Rudo didn’t dare return the hug.
“You've been dealt a lot of shit hands in life, kid. I’m sorry this is another one.” Enjin said quietly.
Rudo shrugged. He couldn’t think of anything to say that wouldn’t make him sound pathetic, so he didn’t speak at all.
Enjin was surprisingly good with hugs. Maybe not traditionally so, but he had a good grasp on what Rudo wanted. He didn’t go overboard with rubbing Rudo’s back or anything - sensing that the kid was already pushing his limits. He just let the weight of his arms do the comforting for him.
For the first time in days, Rudo felt settled. Maybe not outright at peace, but at least veering close to it.
Minutes passed in surprisingly comfortable silence. At some point, Rudo’s tail began to wag without his permission. Slow but contently; rustling nearby trash.
Suddenly, there was a low rumbling sound. It took Rudo a beat to realize he was growling again. It wasn’t even defensively this time. He was just… doing it for no reason. Or maybe because he was happy? Somehow, Rudo got the feeling that wasn’t normal wolf behavior. Ugh. Of course his struggles with emoting transcended species.
Enjin picked that moment to break the quiet.
“Hey. I’m gonna drop some mad wisdom on you now, so listen up.”
“Please don’t.” Rudo groaned. Enjin completely ignored him to begin his spiel.
“Say you’re using a chainsaw. Or something else that could do some serious damage. You have to be mindful about it, sure, but that doesn’t mean the chainsaw is evil somehow. In fact, it’s actually pretty helpful. Having the potential to be dangerous is just that. Potential. As long as the right safety measures are taken, nothing bad will happen. Do you get what I’m saying?”
“This metaphor sucks.”
“Answer the question, brat.”
“Yeah, yeah. I get it. I’m the chainsaw.” Rudo huffed, “Just because I could really hurt you guys… doesn’t mean I’m going to. Not if we’re careful.”
“Exactly. So what if we gotta make some changes and take a few precautions? You’re worth the effort. This whole shitshow doesn’t have to change anything.” Enjin reassured.
That sentiment didn’t compute in Rudo’s brain. He was a burden. Objectively. The Cleaners were caught up enough fending off trash beasts and dealing with raiders. They didn’t need to waste resources on a volatile, living bomb which could go off at random like him.
“But why? A chainsaw is at least useful. I’m-”
“You’re you, Rudo. That’s all the reason we need.” Enjin muttered, soft and earnestly… before ruining the moment by saying, “Besides, having a puppy around will definitely boost office morale.”
...
You’d think Rudo would be harder to rile up after months of Enjin’s teasing. He wasn’t.
Visibly flustered; he broke the hug, slapping Enjin’s hands away, and shouted, “Whuh- are you blind, dumbass!? What about this says ‘puppy’ to you!?”
All his reservations about being seen as dangerous evaporated. To emphasize his point, Rudo twisted his face into the nastiest expression possible, razor sharp teeth on full display, and violently gestured at himself.
Unphased, Enjin booped him on the nose.
Rudo reeled back. On auto-pilot, he cupped his maw to protect from a possible follow-up jab. His ears angled low and burned with mortification.
“You- you-” He sputtered uselessly, gobsmacked over the man’s audacity. Eventually, he found his voice. Rudo mumbled into his hands, “You aren’t funny.”
“I’m sure.” Enjin snorted, fighting down a shit-eating grin. Then, getting to his feet, he offered a hand and said, “Ready to rejoin society now? Everyone’s waiting for you.”
Rudo didn’t move for a long moment. Waiting for him or not; everyone was better off as long as he remained locked up. One lone pep talk wasn’t enough to shake that conviction. So he shouldn’t. He really, really shouldn’t.
...
Mindful of his strength, Rudo took Enjin by the hand and croaked, “Yeah. Okay.”