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Shane hadn’t properly stopped moving for the last hour. He was pacing the house, checking the baby-proofing on every corner and every outlet, fluffing random pillows and wiping already clean counters. His favourite fidget target was the nursery, where he had reorganized their many baby outfits in the closet at least five times, alphabetized their assortment of picture books, and counted every single bottle and diaper. It wasn’t that he was actually worried about these things, specifically. He just couldn’t sit still.
Ilya was nervous too, but he showed it a little differently. The past week, he had been practically attached to Shane, seeking every moment of physical reassurance he could. This hadn’t gone unnoticed. The two of them had had dinner with Troy and Harris at the beginning of the week, and Troy had teased Ilya ruthlessly for holding Shane’s hand the entire meal and pouting when he left to use the washroom. But Ilya didn’t mind. His husband’s touch seemed like the only thing that could still his racing heart and racing mind.
It was the night before the birth of their precious baby girl. Their surrogate’s C-section had been scheduled weeks ago and they had had lots of time to prepare. But not enough time to quiet the nerves. No amount of time in the world would be enough for that.
Shane’s pacing carried him into the living room, where Ilya was sitting on the couch clutching a parenting book. Ilya’s leg was bouncing, and he hadn’t flipped the page (or read any words, for that matter) in the last twenty minutes. He longed to hold his husband and had tried to join his puttering just for the sake of being close, but had quickly found himself underfoot and decided it would be better to give Shane space. Now, though, Shane was in the same room as him and he couldn’t help but ask,
“Lyubimyy, come sit with me, please. You give me headache with pacing, and the house is already perfect”. He said it gently, but his voice still startled Shane, whose thoughts had been lost somewhere far away. With a little sigh and a nod of his head, Shane walked to the couch. He saw Ilya’s bouncing leg and white knuckles grasping the book, and smiled softly.
Reading Ilya was the easiest thing Shane knew how to do, after years of marriage. He knew that his husband was just as anxious about this as he was. So he gently pried the book from Ilya’s hands and kissed his forehead before settling on the couch beside him with his legs draped over his lap.
Ilya’s hands found Shane’s ankles instinctually, and he began to massage gently into the arches of his feet and trace soft patterns up his calves. Shane relaxed into the cushions with a deep sigh, and they sat in the silence for a moment before Ilya spoke again.
“Tomorrow. Tomorrow we will finally be Papochka and Daddy and we will hold our sweet Malyshka.” They both knew this, of course, and it didn’t really need to be said. But it somehow didn’t quite feel real yet, and every acknowledgement felt immense. Shane nodded solemnly, and reached his hand out to squeeze Ilya’s shoulder. He thought back to a year and a half prior, when they had decided it was time.
It had been a long day of babysitting the Pike kids, and they were both exhausted, but content. As they stepped through the door home, Shane had pushed Ilya against the wall into a bruising kiss and said,
“You are so amazing with the kids Ilyusha, they love you so much.” Ilya had laughed, and peppered much softer kisses across Shane’s cheeks before replying,
“You are good with them too Lyubimyy. When you read them stories? You give me, ah, what is word? Baby sickness?” Shane laughed and pressed their forehead together.
“Baby fever, Ilya.”
“Ah, yes! Baby fever!” They had paused and nuzzled their noses together, and then,
“Me too. I think… I think maybe we should start looking at options? For our own baby, Ilyusha. I want to be a dad with you.”
Ilya’s eyes had gone wide and his arms had tightened around Shane.
“Shane. Do you really mean it?”
“Yeah, Ilya. I really mean it. Of course.”
And then Shane’s feet were off the ground and Ilya had spun him around and around, laughing with giddy excitement. They had fallen to the ground in sporadic fits of laughter and joyful kisses, and then spent the night curled up in bed with a computer between them, researching.
And now, it was almost the day they had waited for for so long. And even with all the preparation, there was something important they hadn’t thought of.
“Ilya.” Shane said seriously, causing Ilya to pause in his foot massage and meet his eyes, brow crinkling into concern. “Ilya, we’re both men.”
“Yes Shane, is true.” Ilya quirked an eyebrow. He was very confused.
“We’re both men and we’re having a daughter. Baby, what are we going to do when she gets her period? I don’t know how to support her through that. Women, they get cramps, and hormonal swings, and what if she’s scared? Or what if we don’t know what products to buy her, or-” He could have kept on going, of course he could have. Ilya’s Shane would always be a rambler if nothing else. But Ilya cut him off with a laugh.
“Lyubimyy, is at least 8 years too early to worry about this, no? She is not even born yet, let her have childhood before puberty.”
Shane frowned, making the adorable scrunched up face that always reminded Ilya of an angry kitten. Ilya’s heart twisted in his chest.
“Ok yeah, maybe I’m a little ahead of myself, but really Ilya it’s not that crazy to think about. A girl’s first period is a big deal, we need to be there for her!”
Ilya shook his head, and reached out to smooth a thumb along Shane’s creased brow. He took Shane’s hand in his own, and began to shift. He shuffled to lie flat on his back along the couch, pulling Shane with him. With an exasperated huff, Shane went along and settled lying on his stomach on top of Ilya, faces inches away. He crossed his arms over Ilya’s chest and propped his chin against them to hold eye contact and look at his husband expectantly. He would not let this go, it was a big deal! They were about to be dads, and were clearly horribly underprepared.
Luckily, Ilya knew his husband well, and had the perfect words to calm him.
“When time comes, we will talk to Yuna. She will help us know what to do, and if our Malyshka needs a woman to talk to, she will be there. But we will be there too, of course.”
“We shouldn’t have to rely on my Mom though, what if she’s on a trip or something when it happens?”
Ilya brought his hands to Shane’s hair and guided his head to rest flat against his chest, in the hopes that his love would relax. Shane had already soothed Ilya’s nerves, silently but lovingly, and Ilya wanted to do the same for him.
“We will get books too. We can learn.” He paused. “Or maybe I will watch Youtube videos. You can read boring books, is more on brand for you, yes?” Ilya laughed softly and leaned down to kiss Shane’s forehead, feeling his tentative smile against his chest. “Kotik. We will be ok, and she will be ok. You know how I know this?”
“How?” Shane breathed, voice barely a whisper.
“Because we will be doing together. Ya tebya lyublyu, Shane, and we will both love her very much. She will have many people who love her and care to look after her. Support system, yes? We have each other, and we have support system.” He kissed Shane’s forehead again, heart heavy at the words unsaid, the thought of the support system his mother had needed but never had.
Shane thought it too, and lifted his head to run both his hands through Ilya’s hair. Softly, lovingly, and in the most comforting way he knew how, he pressed a kiss to Ilya’s cheek, then to his nose, then to his lips. Ilya’s eyes fluttered shut, and Shane buried his head back into his neck.
“You’re right, Ilyusha, Baby. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be so worried.”
“Do not be sorry Kotik. I am nervous too. But more excited, maybe? Tomorrow we will hold her.”
“Yeah. Tomorrow.” Shane murmured. “I can’t wait to see her in your arms. My two loves.”
He nuzzled in again, and Ilya held him tighter. They breathed together, both thinking of the other with the daughter they had dreamed of and the dream that had felt so distant, so impossible, becoming a reality.
Sure enough, the next day when Ilya held their little girl for the first time, snug against his bare chest, Shane’s heart melted right into a puddle. He watched as his husband rocked their daughter gently, instinctually, and murmured softly to her in Russian, and his mind went quiet. He was overcome with more love than he had known was possible, and he knew they could handle whatever parenthood threw their way. Together. Always together.
That day, what had always been two, became three.
Their little family was whole, their daughter was home.
Shane had never been happier.