Chapter Text
Bella felt numb as Carlisle picked the glass out of her cuts. She had been so nervous about this birthday party - about the Cullens really liking her, about aging - and it all feels so silly now. She's a terrible, fragile little human. Breathing, bleeding, eating, shitting, drinking, pissing, crying, sleeping. Why would Edward want her? How could he possibly want to keep her human? Why does he want this? Why does he want her… or, the real question: why doesn't he want her, if he won't take her frailty away?
"Ow!" Bella yelped after Carlisle pulled out a particularly stubborn piece of glass in her arm. Carlisle smiled at her sympathetically before he returned to pulling out the rest of the glass. Bella mulled over telling him that she didn't even want a party. What she said instead was, "Do you think Edward will forgive me for bleeding?"
Carlisle paused. "Edward knows what happened tonight wasn't your fault."
Bella's lips twisted before she tried again. "Do you think Edward will forgive himself for me bleeding?"
Carlisle's eyes flicked up to hers for a moment. He took his time carefully cleaning her cuts and numbing the areas that needed stitches. Finally, he replied, "You have always been very gracious about us, Bella. For that, I commend you. Edward, however, believes very dearly that losing your humanity loses you your soul. He would not want to damn you."
Bella scrunched her brow and nose as Carlisle started stitching up her cuts. The numbness inside ebbed away as her arm numbed instead. She bit her lip and then asked, "Would you?"
His eyes met hers again before he focused back on her stitches. "Would I what?"
"If the choice was between me bleeding out in your foyer from Jasper attacking me, so I die soul and all, or turning me, would you damn me?"
Carlisle exhaled slowly through his nose. His hands stilled. "I would desire to save your life. Edward, however - "
"Doesn't get to choose if I live or die! I do. He would rather my corpse rot than me live another day. I don't want to rot. I want to be more."
"Edward does not think that we're more. While I can respect that the events of tonight have given you morbid thoughts, the cuts on your arm do not mean you are dying, Bella. Jasper is still new, relative to our lifespans, to being around humans like this, but nothing terrible happened."
Bella huffed a frustrated sigh. Carlisle resumed stitching the last cut on her arm. "This isn't an isolated incident. This will keep happening while I'm human. I don't want -"
"Like everything else in life, even in immortality, I had to decide what to do with what I was given. Even if I am damned, regardless. Your life is precious, right now, as it is, and it would pain any of us to have to turn you," Carlisle said as he started to bandage her cuts. "You should not be so cavalier with the life you currently have."
"What good is it?" Bella asked, her voice cracking. "What good is it if by being human in the first place my love with Edward is ruined?" The numbness from before started to come back to her, and her chest started to ache.
Carlisle pressed down firmly on the last bandage. Bella sucked in a harsh breath and glared up at him. He held eye contact with her and maintained pressure on her cut. "When I say this, I am not speaking for Edward. I believe this. You are worthy, Bella, of this life that you have. You are worthy of making mistakes, and having successes. You are worthy of getting scrapes and bruises and having them cleaned and treated. You are worthy of friendship and family and passion and loss and recovery. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of the lease on life you already hold, and the beauty it inherently has because of it. Do you believe me?"
"I - I don't know," Bella stammered. She could barely focus on what he had said. He was so intense while he spoke to her. The firm, cool pressure on her wound grounded her. His eyes had bored into hers while he told her she was worthy. He leaned in just a little closer, scrutinizing her face. Some of his warmth and friendliness seemied to dim. "Would you be so cruel as to beg me to damn you, Bella, because Edward won't?" he asked, his lips quirked into a sardonic smile.
Her breath caught. Beg. He leaned back, and the way the lighting shifted over his features made her realize in a rush how intimate the moment had been. "Would you be so cruel as to beg me to damn you, Bella, because Edward won't?" Like if she begged, he would be tempted.
Whispering half secrets back and forth quietly. Damnation and temptation. He'd stood so closely to her. He'd talked to her as Dr. Cullen, Edward's father, then as Carlisle as she wheedled at him. He seemed sad, and achingly lonely, somehow, as he had patched her up. And, in some twisted way, she thinks, amused.
Carlisle didn't seem to need an answer to the question of if she would be cruel enough to beg him. He turned to leave, and time slowed just a touch. The dim lighting of the room across his features made him even more otherworldly, but soft, but solid, but divine.
No, Carlisle. I think you would save me.
