Chapter Text
Hawke had barely said anything to her since they had left the fade. Although she couldn’t exactly blame her for it. She was staring at the back of Marian as Varric and Anders were by off to her side. Hawke had gotten a letter from Feynriel’s Mother about some problem her son was having, and they had ventured onto the Fade on behalf of the keeper and Her. Merrill knew that Hawke had a soft spot for mages, that she would do anything to help an innocent mage even if it meant putting herself in danger. It made sense of course, her sister Bethany being a mage and her family being on the run to protect her. It’s one of the many reason’s she felt so safe around Hawke, that she would never judge her, never betray her or give her up to the Templars.
“Yet I did exactly that”
“Stupid, stupid stupid stupid Merrill- What were you even thinking!” She kept repeating in her head as they exited the alienage. Back when she first arrived in Kirkwall, she could’ve never imagined She’d be close to so many people. Growing up she never had any friends (being the star pupil never helped). Yet now she had a group of people who all cared so much about each other, even if they didn’t always agree or see eye-to-eye.
Yet, now she feels that she’s losing grasp on a thread that’s getting stretched thin by the second.
There was clearly a tension now, even through Varric’s outlandish anecdotes and Anders’ groans she could feel they were intently trying to talk about anything that had just happened just before. Or well, they were avoiding talking about what she did. And worse was Hawke, looking straight ahead, not participating in any banter. Usually she was quipping jokes even in the gravest situations (and sometimes not in the best situations) but she had never seen her so…..so silent.
She had seen it, she had seen the look on Marian’s face as Merrill took the pride demon’s side in the Fade. She couldn’t help herself, The demon talked to the deepest depths of her heart, promising everything she worked so hard for. Yet the look on Hawke’s face almost broke her resolve completely, full of hurt and betrayal after she begged her not to succumb to the demon. And the worst part is, Merrill doesn’t know if she wouldn’t do the same again.
Her and Hawke’s shared silence in-between Varric and Anders’ sparse attempts at conversations stretched on for more than a while. They were now coming close to ‘The Hanged Man’ when their defacto leader Marian suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned around. She looked at them (eyes not settling on anyone in particular), and with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes said, “Uh guy’s I think I need to go back to the mansion now. Mother asked me to make home early, said she needed something from the bazaar. I’ll catch up some other time. Have fun, you all”
Merrill knew she was lying, they already had passed the lowtown bazaar and Hawke would’ve already picked up something, She already would’ve. Jester as she may want you to think she is, She was very punctual about what to do and when. She simply wouldn’t make this sort of mistake, not normally anyway. But Merrill knew better than to point it out. She was stupid but not that stupid.
Hawke quickly departed without saying much else, her strained expression quickly crossfading to her backside that on a normal day, Merrill would never mind staring too much at- “stupid! This is no time to think about anything like this”
Somehow with Hawke gone the trio felt even more awkward. Merrill couldn’t tell what her current companions thought of her after this. She knew Anders already disapproved of her blood magic, and half-expected him to make some comical “I told you so” comment, but somehow him trying to avoid talking to her as much as possible was way worse. And Varric’s quips had died down by now which might be the most worrying indicator that she has fucked up. Bad.
Without Hawke there, leading them to some quest she was given by some random person on the street she was doing out of the kindness of her heart, They group quickly desolved. Varric deciding to go into the tavern, probably to read those weird stories isabela writes about real life people. She’s pretty sure she heard her own name mentioned in their secrative whispers once! Anders says he needs to go to his clinic and check up on the supplies, and quickly leaves on full stride.
That leaves Merrill all alone in the middle of Lowtown. With a sigh, she begins her trek back to the alienage. One step at a time, she slowly approaches her neighborhood. Its sky is beginning to go dark, she knows its dangarous to stay out at night in kirkwall. Bandits about’n’all. Yet she can’t make herself go any faster, in her mind hoping that she get robbed or attacked so she could be mad at someone else that wasn’t herself
Opening her door, a swarm of rats suddenly started running into their respective holes all at once. She strode painfully slowly to the edge of her bed and plopped down on it, face first.
Now by herself, she could bare to think about why she did what she did. Why she said what she said. She couldn’t help it, the demon was definitally forcing her to agree with it’s suggestions. Yet She wasn’t sure that It needed to, maybe she would’ve gone anyways.
She had always dreamt of mending the history between her clan and its past. She had sacrificed everything for it, she sacrificed being in the clan and she used blood magic for its sake. She never questioned herself on it. She believed in herself and she knew she was right to. But then, why was betraying Hawke so bitter, so agonizing. Nothing else had ever made her falter. Not until that face. That expression, so alien on Hawke’s face. The unbreakable, Unyelding, respected even by the qunari, Serah Hawke.
Merrill turned around her bed to now on her back, pressing the pillow on her face with her hands and grunting into it. Who was she kidding? She knew why it hurt so much. She was stupid but not that stupid. She knew she liked Hawke, more than friends are supposed to like each other. She realized it a few years into knowing Hawke, in the start she had dismissed it as a crush on someone’s who’s helped her so much while asking for so little herself. She convinced herself she wasn’t special, and that was true, Hawke was just that type of person. But that made it harder for her to simply dispell these feelings. Quite the opposite, it had made them stronger. So kind, so selfless, so charming and caring and funny. And not to mention beautiful. With her short side-swept bangs, starking light blue eyes, pale freckled face, her body that swelled up and down at just the right spaces, the sway of her hips as she walked that Merrill wasn’t sure Hawke even noticed doing herself. Merrill sometimes thought herself a creep, thinking of her friend this way. But as guilty as she could make herself feel, she still couldn’t stop thinking them.
She knew Hawke would never see her the same way. Her, a bumbling idiot elf, short and no curves and no charms and anything that would be deserving of someone as deserving as Hawke. Yet she dreamed of them being together most nights these days.
To think that she had just might’ve ruined any chance of that happening, ruined their friendship. A few prickles of tears swelled up around her eyes, she couldn’t lie to herself and say that it didn’t hurt so god damn fucking much. She really fucked up, god. “why do you have to ruin everything good in your life everytime, Merrill!”
She lay on her bed for the rest of the night and tried to lull herself to sleep, yet failing to not think about all the ways she would apologize to Hawke the next time they met.
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Hawke did not come over her house for the next 3 weeks.
Merrill had not seen Hawke in 3 weeks
This was her worse nightmare come true. Merrill was used to never going more than a few days without seeing Hawke. She was one of the few people who Hawke would always knock on the door of whenever something needed to be done. And if there wasn’t anything going on (which was rare in Hawke’s case), she always made time to visit Merrill’s house in the alienage. Chatting about their lives and whatever else they wanted to. It was comforting, she didn’t know anyone else in the alienage so having Hawke visit her always made her happier than most things in her week.
She focused on working on the mirror these few weeks then, having the eluvian in her possesion (another thing she owes Hawke for), she could finally feel herself having hope of fixing the mirror in a long while. She could finally fulfill her dreams for her clan and unlock the ancient knowledge of the past dalish elves. Yet whenver she sat down to work, all her mind could drift back to was that Hawke was avoiding her. It made her work time a lot more frustrating and distracting.
She had gone to the hanged man and Anders’ clinic a few times, making up some excuse just to see if she could run into hawke. But she didn’t see anyone. And she was too embarrased herself to ask about Hawke from Varric or Anders. While playing cards, Isabelle had asked her what was going on between her and Hawke, but she had quickly changed the subject and avoided telling her anything major. Isabella had shrugged and returned to their game winning 15th time in a row.
Now, She felt utterly defeated, and she was too embarrased and mad at herself to go to Hawke’s mansion herself to apologize. “I deserve this. I should’ve expected it to end this way. Me fucking up and hurting someone I cared for. Whats new! Merrill does it again, stupid stupid stupid stupid Merrill”, she thought to herself.
Laying in her bed, rolling from side to side at midnight, trying and failing to again fall asleep. Then suddenly, a knock came at her door. Her heart nearly jumped out at first, who in gods name would be knocking on her door at this late??? She never had any visitors-
oh.
She felt a flicker of hope. It was stupid, why would Hawke come to her house, late at night. It was totally uncharactaristic of Hawke. Yet she let herself get built up. She quickly jumped up and got out of the bed. She walked to her door and looked into the peephole.
Its her. Merrill’s heart jumped inside her small ribcage. Marian looked out of breath, like she came here sprinting. She felt a swell of emotion in herself, different from what she had been feeling for the last 3 weeks.
She quickly opened her door to see Hawke, beautiful and shining in the moonlight. She quickly started reminding herself all the lines of apology she practiced infront of the mirror (the normal one) just for this exact moment.
“Marian, I am so so sorry I betrayed you I really shouldn’t have done that I am-”
“She’s missing- my mother I mean. I-I can’t find her. She might be in danger. Merrill, I need your help.”, Hawke whispered the last part quietly.
To say Merrill felt horrified so see Hawke so scared, was an understatement.