Chapter Text
Underneath the bridge, a shelter without any walls or protection, Seonghyeon lights up a cigarette while waiting for his friend's arrival. He mindlessly stares at the grass in front of his eyes reaching miles and miles into the distance. No river or anything else in sight, only a dense forest.
Him and his friends graduated from high school yesterday. It feels like Seonghyeon's first day of endless freedom and possibilities. A day that used to feel so far away and unattainable, yet here it is. He's realizing now more than ever how much he's grown up in the past few months.
Keonho suggested to meet up here today. It's a spot they often spend time together at, only the two of them. That's what makes it so special, meaningful. None of their other friends know about this place except them. Seonghyeon wonders if they will still hang out as much now that they're adults. Now that they stop seeing each other every day at school.
But he considers Keonho as one of his best friends, even though he's only known him for two years. And he's confident in their closeness, how great their chemistry is and how they have never had any issues before. Their friendship will be fine, he thinks. Hopes.
After all, they have been inseparable from the start, so much so that Keonho feels like an extension of himself. A piece of Seonghyeon merely presenting itself in a different form, a different body. One might say they're each other’s half. He's so lucky to have someone like Keonho in his life.
His voice greets him out of nowhere, startling Seonghyeon out of his thoughts. “You're still smoking that crap?”
Keonho's gooey smile is way too contagious - Seonghyeon immediately finds his own lips crack into one. “Man, switch to the better side already,” he scolds Seonghyeon lightheartedly.
Seonghyeon knows that Keonho has never liked the fact that he smokes cigarettes on occasion, and lately Keonho has been trying to convince him to smoke weed with him instead. It's been quite annoying.
“Just cause you're hooked to James and his supplies doesn't mean we all have to be his number one customers now,” he argues. In reality Seonghyeon isn't even against the idea of getting high, but it's no fun to give in to Keonho that easily.
“Whatever, dude. One day you'll realize how amazing it is.”
Seonghyeon only laughs at that. But a spark of worry ignites in his chest as he realizes just how often he's seen Keonho get high in the past few weeks. Months, even. He doesn't have an actual problem, does he? Seonghyeon shakes the thought away for now. He's probably just overthinking.
“Anyway. Do you have any plans for the summer? I honestly don't know what to do with myself now that we don't ever have to go to school again,” Keonho continues and sits down on the dirty ground.
Seonghyeon joins him down there, he hugs his knees close to his chest and answers, “I just wanna enjoy my freedom for now.”
“Right,” Keonho agrees. “We could hop on our skateboards every day. Pull all nighters in the shed. Party and get wasted as much as we want.”
“Ambitious,” Seonghyeon comments with a chuckle.
But he does like the sound of that. It's like every young adult's idyllic fantasy, a little piece of stubborn and rebellious heaven. Maybe he's not as grown up as he thought after all. And it's true, they could have all of that now. There is nothing that stands in their way anymore.
“But I mean it,” Keonho says seriously, turning his head towards him. “And y'know... I don't want to stop hanging out with you.”
Seonghyeon takes a deep breath, a warm and alleviating feeling settling in his body at Keonho's sweet words. “Same,” he admits. “I… really don't know what I would have done without you in high school. Especially that last year.”
“Woah,” Keonho says, backing away in surprise at Seonghyeon's honest and direct display of emotions.
“Too much?” He asks, worried he turned the conversation too sentimental.
Keonho takes a few seconds to answer. His face looks concentrated, a tiny pout on his lips when he carefully says, “No. I could say worse.”
“Worse? Like what?”
They exchange eye contact, a clueless Seonghyeon curiously staring at his friend who seems rather restrained and shy now. A facial expression he rarely ever sees on Keonho.
“Ah, I shouldn't have said anything, I don't think you want to hear... it's too crazy,” he laughs, but it doesn't sound genuine. It's out of nervousness, an attempt to cover it up.
Something is really weird about Keonho's behavior. Unusual. Seonghyeon turns his entire body into his direction, giving him his undivided attention to show him he doesn't need to hide. Not from him.
“Hey, you can tell me anything. I can handle crazy,” he reassures him, sincerely.
Keonho visibly hesitates. “If I tell you... you have to promise not to make fun of me.”
Seonghyeon can't think of a single possible thing Keonho is this afraid of telling him. It must be something serious. Really serious. “Of course,” he softly says.
“Also, what I'm gonna say is in the past, it's not relevant in the present, okay? Please… keep that in mind.”
Seonghyeon nods. His heart begins to beat faster, worry and wonderment rushing through his brain, making him nervous as well. He can't imagine what must be going on inside of Keonho's head right now, but he so desperately wants to know.
Keonho inhales and exhales deeply like he needs to prepare himself to reveal a horrible truth. “Okay. Okay, fuck. I don't even know why I'm telling you this. But this past school year I... I think I- I sort of felt different,” he explains, eyes low, fixated on the ground.
“Different?” Seonghyeon repeats, unsure what he's talking about, hoping he elaborates.
“Towards you.”
Seonghyeon blinks, stares at him like he's frozen in time, unable to move a single muscle, unable to ask further. If Keonho is saying what he thinks he's saying, then this is much bigger than an innocent confession. Because what Keonho doesn't know is that Seonghyeon has felt different towards him, too.
“Shit. I'm so sorry,” Keonho says and finally looks back up at Seonghyeon with panic all over his face. Eyes so distraught and ashamed that Seonghyeon feels guilty for not saying anything.
“No, wait,” he hastily says. “Are you saying you had... feelings for me? Like, romantic feelings?”
Keonho flatly presses his lips together. He looks otherworldly scared. As if he's seen death. Torture and agony, a lost war mirrored in his iris. “Yeah,” he breathes, quiet and small. Sorrowful.
His obvious pain hurts Seonghyeon's heart. “It's okay. Keonho, it's okay. It's okay,” he repeats like a mantra. Not sure if its purpose is to calm down Keonho or himself.
“You wanna know why?” He adds and his voice cracks embarrassingly. “It's okay because... because I get it. I get it,” Seonghyeon reveals. He grips one of Keonho's shoulders and slightly shakes it to make him understand that it's mutual. To comfort him.
“I felt different too,” he says and hates how emotional his voice sounds. How exposed and vulnerable.
Keonho speaks up in disbelief, asking, “Towards me?”
“Isn't that funny, somehow?” Seonghyeon questions, attempting to lighten the mood a little.
It is odd how they managed to crush on each other at the same time without knowing. Almost something akin to fate with stupidly comedic timing. And while there's a positive side to all of this - it feels freeing to talk about their feelings, lay them out in the open - it doesn't take away the uncomfortable fear Seonghyeon can feel as well, his clenching heart full of tension. The worst kind.
Keonho gives him half a smile. “Kinda, but... it's in the past, yeah?”
It's not clear to Seonghyeon whether Keonho wants to make sure that Seonghyeon's feelings for him are no longer present or that he wants to emphasize how his own feelings are gone. Either way, Seonghyeon can spot Keonho's insecurity from miles away.
Which is why he stupidly agrees with a “Yeah.” When really, he secretly wishes Keonho would take some pride in their mutual confession. A sense of relief, happiness caused by Seonghyeon's reciprocal. Shouldn't it be something good to hear that you're loved by someone?
“Man,” Keonho groans, his hands flying to his face, covering his eyes. “My parents would disown me and then kill me right after if they heard any of this.”
Right. Seonghyeon has met Keonho's parents a few times before - they're super religious, devoted to church and prayer. It makes sense they wouldn't approve of their son liking another boy. How could Seonghyeon forget that? It annoys him how much of an influence they seem to have on Keonho.
“You... understand, right? They say it goes against their beliefs.”
“I guess,” Seonghyeon reluctantly answers. He wants to say no, and that it doesn't matter, that he doesn't care - but he doesn't want to risk upsetting Keonho any more. Much less does he want to speak against his parents. Seonghyeon isn't that disrespectful.
Still, he wonders what Keonho really thinks and how he feels deep down. Anyone with eyes in their head could see that he's holding back right now. Seonghyeon foolishly hopes they can discuss the topic more, because he can't pretend Keonho's confession doesn't change anything. He can't pretend he's okay with Keonho ripping his heart out of his chest to hug it tight and throw it away immediately right after.
Like Seonghyeon's own confession means nothing to him.
If there's one thing he knows about Keonho it's that he loves like he is the personification of rainfall; he deems his big heart unlikeable as opposed to that of the sun. Only enjoyable from afar, secretly, when you're staring at it through your window at night, glad you're not standing in the middle of it. Glad you're not getting rained on with emotions as strong as a hurricane. Glad you're spared from overwhelming passion.
It seems no one ever dares to get close enough to properly open and touch his heart, to experience him as cleansing water instead of cold droplets that could never be good enough to form a life-giving river. And therefore Keonho locks himself away from other people's affection. Used to not being worth enough, assuming that's what he deserves.
That's how Seonghyeon observes him at least.
But the truth is that he never found himself shying away from the rain, he never found himself admitting he likes the bright, burning sun on his skin any better. For Keonho's attention he'd gladly let his own heart get soaked up and washed away at any time.
── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──
Seonghyeon has been spending a lot of time together with his friend group in the past few months like usual, just like nothing has changed. Except that ever since Keonho told him about his past feelings Seonghyeon felt his attraction towards Keonho resurfacing. Coming back stronger than ever. Or maybe the feelings never left Seonghyeon's heart in the first place and Keonho's confession merely made him realize that.
They never talked about it again, not even once. It's a new year already and Seonghyeon feels like they've reached a point in time where it's too late to start up a discussion about their buried feelings again. And it's not like he can complain. Because Keonho and him have been doing some new things together as of late. Things normal friends don't do with each other.
He can't clearly remember when or why it first happened. The memory is quite blurry in his head. It was some time in January, Seonghyeon believes. James threw one of his parties and afterwards they went back to the shed, just the two of them. Both Keonho and him must have been drunk when they finally embraced it. Some of it, at least.
There was no kissing, but definitely touching. A lot of it. Seonghyeon remembers how Keonho let him touch him, how he silently guided Seonghyeon's hands into his pants to make him feel good. He has never felt want gnawing at him the way he felt it in that moment back then.
“I'm not that way, you know,” Keonho said to him at the end of that night before he went home. Like he had to justify what they did in that shed and convince Seonghyeon that he's not into boys.
Seonghyeon didn't have any other choice but to accept it, accept that Keonho doesn't like him like that, accept that those sinful touches will be the most he will ever get with him. No matter how badly it rips everything inside of his body apart, he accepted it because he wanted it to happen again. And it did, it happened a few more times after that. One time it even went as far as Keonho sucking him off, making him see stars.
Yet they've never once had actual sex. Or a proper kiss.
Seonghyeon feels sick knowing that they can't openly be together, but still, his yearning soul considers itself lucky to receive at least some of Keonho's attention. And he's not stupid. He knows the term 'friends with benefits' and he's sure Keonho knows it too. Yet what they have is more of an unspoken agreement - they never talk about what happens between them and neither of them directly suggests doing something sexual, it just happens. Then they both pretend it didn't happen afterwards, acting like normal friends in front of everyone else, in front of each other.
Winter is almost over and Seonghyeon decides that he can't hold it in much longer. He needs to talk to someone about this, even though he despises that it means he has to go behind Keonho's back to do so. But he feels like going crazy, like there's a heavy burden on his shoulders that will soon cause his body to explode. A ticking time bomb.
Martin is his immediate first choice. They've been friends since they were little kids and in a way Seonghyeon feels the most comfortable around him, like he can be his most unapologetic self with him at all times.
He knows where to find him, so without thinking much longer about it he makes his way over to the shed. He hurriedly climbs over the fence, almost tripping and hurting himself because he's way too caught up in his head. Unsure how to talk to Martin about the topic and unsure whether it's the right thing to do. Should he give this some more thought first? Is he rushing into this?
“Sup,” Martin greets him when he enters. He's busy with his guitar, concentrated, but Seonghyeon knows he will make time for a conversation with him anyway. He's a great friend.
“Uh, can I talk to you about something?”
“Sure,” he replies, eyes still locked to his guitar, fingers brushing over the strings. “Everything okay?”
Seonghyeon walks over to where he's sitting and takes a seat next to him. “I guess. Okay… honestly I don't know.”
That's when Martin puts his guitar down and gently places it on the floor. “What is it?” He asks, eyes on Seonghyeon now.
“I think I need some advice or something like that,” he begins. “You can't tell anyone about this though. Especially not Keonho.”
Martin nods and waits for him to continue speaking, listening attentively. It's almost silly how Seonghyeon worries Martin will judge him when he's never once done that before in his life. He pushes past his doubts and apprehensions all at once and bravely opens up to him.
Seonghyeon starts by telling Martin about their confessions from last year underneath the bridge and how he thinks he may still have those feelings for Keonho right now. How Keonho says it's wrong, yet how he was the one to initiate their sexual encounters. He talks and complains so much he forgets Martin is still there with him at some point. It just feels too good to finally let it all out.
“Shit, that's… a lot. Sounds confusing,” is the first thing Martin says after Seonghyeon's words come to a halt.
“Very fucking confusing,” Seonghyeon agrees and can't help but show a tiny smile. He's relieved Martin meets his rant with warmth and understanding.
“I mean, I'm not sure what advice to give you other than you should talk to Keonho about all of this. But maybe I need to have a word with Keonho myself,” he says, full of compassion for Seonghyeon and his situation.
“Dude, no, don't do that. I told you. Keonho can't know that I talked to you about this whole thing,” Seonghyeon begs him.
“No, I get that. All I'm saying is maybe it's time I make him aware that being with a guy is normal,” Martin corrects himself. Kind of angry, he raises his voice a little, “What you told me is bullshit, he's obviously attracted to you if you guys are fucking around like that. He's in denial, that's all.”
“I don't know,” Seonghyeon groans, frustrated. “But what would you even say to him?”
Martin's face breaks into a huge smile, almost mischievous. “Oh, none of you guys even know about this,” he mysteriously says, making Seonghyeon prick up his ears with interest. “We're all not that different from each other, y'know. I've fucked around with a few boys before too. Figure I can rub it into Keonho's face to make him realize it's no big deal.”
Seonghyeon's jaw is on the floor. “What?! What do you mean, a few boys?” He asks, completely caught off guard by this new information. Wondering why Martin hasn't told him before.
“Seonghyeon, please. Don't act too surprised to find out I don't like girls,” he answers, way too chill. “Have you ever seen me with one before?”
He hasn't. Seonghyeon can't believe he never questioned it. Martin knows so many people and is the best at socializing out of everyone in their friend group - it should have been noticeable that he never once had something with a girl.
“Shit. I mean, that's crazy,” he mumbles, feeling dumb for not realizing it on his own.
“Nah, I just try to be discreet about who I like to have fun with,” Martin laughs. “As I said, it's no big deal.”
Seonghyeon feels something hopeful rising in his chest. Martin is right, it shouldn't be a big deal. If he finds the courage to talk it out with Keonho and make him realize that as well, maybe the two of them could eventually date. Be a couple. He slips away into his dream-like thoughts and wishes, a fantasy coming to life in front of his eyes in which Keonho kisses him without hesitation or shame. Unapologetically.
“We never even kissed, y'know,” he blurts out and his unrealistic fantasy disappears into dust.
“Man, that sucks,” Martin says.
“Yeah. But thanks for the advice.”
Before Martin can say anything else the door opens and in comes no other than the subject of their conversation. Keonho greets them with his skateboard under his arm. He's in a dark oversized jacket paired with matching cargo pants and his beautiful curls are peeking out from under his beanie. Seonghyeon is hit with a rush of unfiltered infatuation, awed into silence.
“Yo,” Martin says to Keonho and picks his guitar back up again, silently acknowledging that the conversation between him and Seonghyeon is over. He plays it and it serves as relaxing background music while Keonho makes meaningless small talk.
Then he goes, “Got something to smoke for me around here?”
Seonghyeon points to the messy desk. “In that top drawer, probably,” he tells him.
Keonho opens it and cheers upon finding some weed that James left behind and soon enough begins to roll himself a joint. Meanwhile Seonghyeon contemplates leaving - he wants some more time to himself to think about everything he talked about with Martin. He doesn't know what to do or how to actually do it. For now he uselessly lets his body rot some more on the couch.
“What's that song,” Keonho wonders, sitting on top of the desk now, lighting up his joint.
“This one?” Martin asks and stops playing. “It's called Something In The Way,” he answers.
“Nirvana?” Keonho questions with a tilt to his head, filling up the air inside the shed with the smoke he exhales.
Martin nods to that and continues playing the rather slow tune. He hums along to it, making Seonghyeon smile - he adores Martin's genuine passion for music so much.
“Of course. It sounded familiar,” Keonho comments while smoking. He holds his joint out to Seonghyeon, but he declines the offer. Seonghyeon's head is already a mess at the moment, getting high won't make it any better.
“I'm gonna take off,” Martin suddenly announces and gets up from the couch. “See you tomorrow?”
Seonghyeon looks at Martin in horror. Is he doing this on purpose? Leaving Keonho and him alone? He wants to strangle him for that, but the next second he's already out of the door and gone.
“Sure, see ya,” Keonho yells after him, unbothered.
He puts out his joint when he's done and with Seonghyeon's luck decides to move over to the couch where Martin sat up until a minute ago. Seonghyeon fears he can't deal with this right now, so he gets ready to leave too - regardless of how rude it may seem.
But Keonho has other plans. Plans Seonghyeon is physically unable to resist.
“Hyeon…”
The nickname makes him want to sink into the ground. Keonho must be aware that it's one of his weaknesses. The effect it has on Seonghyeon is insane; an unmeasurable amount of fondness oozes out of his heart and seeps through his entire body, stopping him from getting up from the couch. Making him stay.
“Hm?”
Instead of answering, Keonho crawls over to him, kneeling on the couch as if he's about to jump on Seonghyeon's lap. A hand cautiously slides over his chest to rest there for a bit, then sensually makes its way to Seonghyeon's waist and eventually his hip, too.
Seonghyeon throws his dignity as well as his morals out of the window right then and there. Fuck it, he thinks. His fingers hold on to Keonho's arms, then his shoulders, gently rubbing them over his clothed skin. He feels himself getting hot and it's becoming tremendously hard to breathe with Keonho this close to him.
He gets pushed to lie on his back. Keonho is on top, looking down on him, and Seonghyeon catches a glimpse of desire in his pretty brown eyes, reminding him of Martin's words from earlier. He's obviously attracted to you. If only Seonghyeon had the guts to kiss him. If only Keonho would lean down to make their lips meet and tell Seonghyeon how much he wants him.
“This is bad,” Keonho whispers and grinds his hips down on him.
The sensation of their clothed cocks rubbing against each other is so nauseatingly strong that Seonghyeon can't manage to say anything against Keonho's words. All he does is selfishly enjoy and grind his hips upwards in lust. It's steamy and primal, a quick fix, an urge for relief.
Seonghyeon chases after Keonho and his body, still clinging to the stupid wish that the other would someday break open his skin to crawl inside of it, to know Seonghyeon where he's hurting the most and love him right there. He wants Keonho to surrender and take a bite out of him, live with the sin in his mouth and show it off to the rest of the world.
Keonho lets his guard down and collapses on top of Seonghyeon after both of them finish and cum in their pants. Out of breath, ravaged and absorbed into the other, they're dancing a dangerous dance that may lead to death. Seonghyeon doesn't dare to touch him, hold him close and embrace him in a hug. Not while their bodies are already lying together without any space like this.
It might be too much - he's afraid of how Keonho would react to it.
Confusion is Seonghyeon's constant suffocating companion whenever he's with him. Because here they are, sharing the same sweat and breath, yet he can't enjoy it. Instead he dreadfully waits for Keonho to get off of him and leave, to pretend nothing happened and that everything is normal, to tell Seonghyeon how wrong every second of it was.
Nevertheless, if loving Keonho truly is a sin Seonghyeon will be the first to run into the damned flames to burn in them evermore. As long as it means he can stay close to Keonho he would give up anything. He would sacrifice his wretched heart and let his pitiful body bleed out for him.