Chapter Text
One field seemed to roll into the next as Penelope made her way through the countryside. Fortunately, the weather was on their side, bright and sunny, even if there was a faint chill in the air. She, accompanied by her maid Rae, was headed for Aubrey Hall. She had spent many an off-season there, two or three blissful weeks, maybe even a month if she was lucky. But today she returned for a rather special reason by everyone’s accounts. Her thirtieth birthday.
This year, Violet had not relented until her invitation was accepted; she did give in, especially when she realised that they were delaying their return to Mayfair so that Penelope could be somewhere she loved. It was not that she didn’t like her birthday, that wasn’t it. And it was always made better by the presence of the Bridgertons. But she did not often feel as if she had much to celebrate. She was nine and twenty for the next three days, and she now sat firmly upon the shelf. It hadn’t been so bad, not really, not when she had Eloise beside her. They dreamed of grandeur and adventure that would never come to fruition, but it was entertaining all the same. She had an ally. Except her ally had up and left her last year, when she married Sir Phillip. Her own cousin’s widower.
She was happy for Eloise; there was no doubt in her mind about that. She would not even consider herself jealous necessarily; it was something slightly more scary.
She felt left behind.
It happened in little pieces over the years, when Prudence and Phillipa met their husbands, even more so when Felicity married Geoffrey. When Anthony finally realised he couldn’t live without Kate, when Benedict found his Lady in Silver and got to fall in love with Sophie twice, when Daphne cracked Simon’s tough outer shell, when Eloise ran off to find her chance at happiness with Phillip, when Frannie loved and lost and learned to love again with John and Michaela, even when no longer so little Hyacinth met a worthy opponent in Gareth. It stings even more when she sees Edmund and Violet together. If she could have made a wish list of what she longed for for herself, that would have been it. Maybe without the eight children, though. It took a mere thirty seconds in their presence to see how well-suited they were. To see the love, the respect, the adoration. They were soulmates come to life, she had no doubt.
So that is why when she sat in the pews of churches and watched her favourite people find their person, she allowed a few tears to fall, for happiness for her family, the one she was born into and the one she found later, and a few for herself. A moment of pity she allowed herself now and again for what she was missing.
“We are almost there, Miss” Rae said, pulling Penelope from her thoughts.
She nodded as she looked out the window, seeing the familiar face of the imposing building in the not-so-far distance,
“Thank you, Rae”
When her carriage stopped outside the doors, everyone was waiting for her on the steps just like they always did.
“Penelope!!” Hyacinth cried out as she stepped down onto the gravelly ground. She could not help but grin as the younger girl all but accosted her. If Penelope had not known the youngest Bridgerton sibling so well, she would have been trampled, but years of experience had prepared her to have a steady stance when Hy was around,
“Good to see marriage has not tamed your spirits, Hyacinth”
“Oh please, as if a mere man could have such an effect on me” she scoffed, and Penelope chuckled, turning to Gareth,
“And how are you faring?”
“Surviving” he sighed playfully, which ended up with a slap on the back of his head from his wife.
She moved to the start of the reception line that Hyacinth had abandoned in her excitement, first to Violet and Edmund.
“Oh my dear, it is just wonderful to see you” Violet said with glee,
“You look very well, Penelope”, Edmund chimed in.
“Yes, he is quite right, the colour is most becoming on you”
“Thank you, Violet, you are too kind,” she smiled, feeling her cheeks warm slightly. After over a decade, her mother had finally declared her hopeless. Which hurt as much as she could have imagined, but was the final thing to convince her to allow Penelope to dress how she preferred, today’s addition to her wardrobe was a pale purple, adorned with delicate flowers of similar shades.
“She is right, Penelope, you look stunning” Kate immediately said, pulling her in for a hug,
“As do you” Penelope smiled widely.
While Penelope’s first friend had been technically Colin, but really Eloise. She had found other kindred spirits in the other Bridgertons and their partners, but particularly Kate and Sophie. When they joined the family, they came to her for advice on navigating their chaos; they would have asked their husbands themselves, and they did, but they turned out to have massive blindspots when it came to their family. Penelope was thrilled to help.
She had been an observer for years, noticing things like when to leave Frannie alone when it had been a particularly full-on family day, not telling Hyacinth anything lest you wish it to be common knowledge within an hour, knowing that no good could come of Gregory sneaking around. That you did not bring out cards unless the brothers had already had a few drinks, as they tend to get too competitive, Benedict having a small scar above his eyebrow after a particularly heated game. That you under no circumstances went near the Viscount and Viscountess suite if Edmund and Violet had disappeared, she had flushed, giggling as she informed them of that one. A rather disgusted Eloise had made that mistake once, then Daphne in later years, so they all learned to simply not.
Anthony and Benedict welcomed her with open arms, the brothers that she never had, who treated her as they did Eloise right from the first day. Gregory, the only other unmarried one of the group in attendance, he was almost a little brother to her, but a shameless flirt too, as he tried to imitate his older brothers. Penelope was never one for charm, but she always managed to get a blush or a flustered response out of him; it was rather fun, really.
“Penelope” he said, grasping a hand to his chest, “I may perish from your beauty”
“Now, now, I do believe you to be the fairest of them all, you will be the season’s diamond no doubt” his cheeks pinked slightly as he chuckled,
“It is wonderful to see you, Penelope” he grinned,
“You too, Gregory”
She was drawn into a hug by Frannie and Michaela, with a promise to take tea with them away from the chaos over the stay.
“El” Penelope smiled when she got to her friend, “I have missed you”
“And I you, we do not see each other enough anymore, I do detest it, letters do not do your wit enough justice,I am afraid”
“Well, perhaps you will simply have to come to the city more” she teased, knowing Phillip’s and, quite frankly, Eloise’s preference for the country. She nodded, politely, “Sir Phillip”
“I do wish you would stop with the ‘sir’ business” he rolled his eyes,
“It is only entertaining because you detest it so” she replied cheekily, moving down to the last of the queue.
“Daph, Simon” she smiled,
“It is lovely to see you, Penelope. I fear it has been far too long”
“Yes, my dear wife here has not stopped speaking of your arrival” Simon said, words laced with humour,
“Oh, hush, can I not miss someone as good as a sister to me?” she replied pointedly.
Whether it was just the overwhelming presence of everyone, Daphne’s words, or a mixture of both, she felt her eyes prickle with the telltale signs of emotion.
“Where are the kids?” She asked, trying to change the subject,
“We had to send them inside; they were getting much too raucous and would not have been a nice welcome” Simon laughed.
“Is Sophie?” Penelope began to stay
“Yes, little Vi still refuses to be without her…speak of the devil” Daphne said, as they saw Sophie appear, little Violet on her hip.
However, the moment the little girl saw Penelope, she struggled out of her mother’s arms and toddled over to her, arms outstretched.
“Auntie Pen!!” She cried out,
Daphne offered to take her reticule as she lifted her,
“Hello, sweetheart,” she smiled, stroking her cheek, “are you giving your Mama trouble?” She just giggled, tucking her head into Penelope’s neck.
Sophie and Benedict looked at her with nothing short of awe.
“Penelope, you are my new favourite person” Sophie said seriously, “You are the first person she has voluntarily gone to in months”
“Seriously, though, she doesn’t even like me that much currently” Benedict confessed,
“Perhaps I have the magic touch, or perhaps I am just new and therefore interesting” she laughed off, but Vi’s arms tightened around her.
“Shall we go inside?” Violet said, “Let dear Sophie get a cup of tea while she has both her arms free”
“That would be lovely, if you do not mind, Penelope?” She asked hopefully,
“Oh, definitely not, I have an entire off-season of time to make up for” she smiled
“Just be prepared to be accosted by the rest of them” Anthony laughed, “I daresay Charlotte will not give you a minute’s peace”
“I would not have it any other way, Anthony”
The next few days passed in blissful relaxation, hiding out in the library with Eloise, spending time with the children, even just taking a walk in the gardens with Violet. How could one not be happy?
As Rae readied herself for her birthday dinner, she could not help but smile, but lurking just under the surface was a little niggle of sadness. A tiny part of her longed for the person who hadn’t joined them, but she swallowed it down; she could not linger on those particular thoughts.
Once she had donned a new dress, one that she may have been waiting to wear for such an occasion, in a sky blue that looked splendid with her colouring, she headed downstairs.
They had cake and celebrations earlier in the day for the children, but this was what Violet had been planning on when she invited her to stay.
“Happy Birthday, Dearest” she said as she walked into the room,
“Thank you, Violet, and thank you for all of this” she said, knowing her own mother would not have gone to any trouble at all, maybe a Happy Birthday and first cup of tea if she was lucky, deeming anything else to be frivolous.
“I promise it was my pleasure, we wished to celebrate you. Thank you for humouring us”
“There is nowhere else I would rather be”
“Come, we have another surprise for you” she said mysteriously.
When Penelope entered the room, everyone was there. Eloise waved and pointed to a seat between herself and Felicity.
Wait…what?
“Fliss!” She beamed, rushing over to her,
“Sister!”
They met in the middle, in a tight embrace.
“You are here” Penelope said softly,
“Of course I am here, thankfully Violet invited me; otherwise, when I turned up here without an invitation, it would have been very rude indeed.”
“I am so glad” she smiled, “I really am”
“So am I” Felicity grinned, “now, let us sit”
Penelope headed to the table, taking her designated seat, also taking time to greet her brother-in-law, before they began to eat.
After two courses of her most favourite foods, which she would have to try to find out where exactly Violet had managed to source that information, they were awaiting dessert when commotion sounded in the hall.
There were clatters of boots and some thuds, Anthony already standing to investigate when the source of the clatter came through the doors.
“Hello, family!” He called out, beaming at them all, but before they even got a chance to move, he headed straight for her.
“Happy Birthday, Pen” he said tenderly,
“Colin” she breathed, a smile tugging at her lips.
She stood up out of her chair, allowing him to embrace her. It was not proper, not at all. He was an unmarried man, she an unmarried woman. But they had been friends long enough that in settings like this, with just family, their antics like these were forgiven. Otherwise, they would have been forced to marry ten times over by now.
“Oh, it is good to be home” he sighed into her ear. Unsure whether she was meant to hear it, she did not respond. The hug lasted too long and not long enough all at once before the family swooped in. She did not dare look at her sister, who was far too observant for her own good and who, Penelope was sure, had clocked her affection for Colin long ago.
When the welcomes had died down, she realised an extra chair had appeared beside hers, the rest of them shuffling round to make room for Colin directly to her right. He was served a plate of the main dinner along with the dessert as they finished their meal.
“So, Colin, did your plans change? Run out of coin? We did not think you were returning until midway through the season,” Benedict asked.
“No, I had always planned on returning early; in fact, my ship was delayed, and I should have been here a few days ago”
“Oh, really, why so early?” Penelope asked innocently,
He tilted his head slightly, brows twitching into a small furrow. “Really, Pen?”
“What am I missing?” She asked, confused.
“I was not going to allow such an important birthday of my dearest friend go past without my attendance” he replied simply,
She choked on the sip of wine she had taken,
“Y-you came back for me?”
He nodded, “Of course I did, Pen, I planned my tour especially to make sure I would be here. I am only sorry I was so late”
She just blinked at him, completely missing the knowing looks from Violet and Edmund, and the elated ones from Hyacinth and Daphne. The rest of the table was just full of amusement at the whole situation.
“Thank you, Colin”
“That is not necessary”
She nodded and returned to her pudding, her heart so very warm
A little while later, they retired to the drawing room, where Penelope was being inundated with presents.
“All of this was not needed” she tried to protest, as she was surrounded by gloves, lovely quills and a selection of coloured inks, an exquisite broach from Violet and Edmund, a painting from Benedict and Sophie, amongst other treats and trinkets.
“My turn!” Colin exclaimed, handing her a wrapped rectangular box, “For you, Pen”
She unfurled the paper and opened it to find a necklace.
“Colin” she all but whispered, running her hands over the delicate piece, “it is beautiful” It was golden in colour, made up of flowerlike links set into the metal. It was delicate but not plain; she had never seen anything like it
“Brother, that is stunning” Daphne said, peering over her shoulder,
“It is from Greece. I saw one similar, a bit bulkier and commissioned this one from the man who owned the business, a bit more refined. I do believe he did an excellent job. I thought it would suit you”
“Thank you, Colin” she said, unable to look at him or she would do something embarrassing like cry.
“You are very welcome”
She did not want to close the box, but knew Eloise was getting restless, being the last to go. She made sure to keep the gift safe and close by.
“I do believe I have the best present” she announced, “I have also purchased a selection of books that I know you will love, but that is not the main thing.”
“Ok…”
“I am with child” she announced cheerfully,
The whole room was floored, a beat of silence before they began to gather round her, which she pushed off.
“Enough! This is not my day, it is Pen’s,” she said.
“I did think it was an odd thing to frame as a gift, El” Gregory teased,
“Hush, that was just necessary information for the next part” she turned back to her friend, “If it is a girl, which I am quite sure it is, her name will be Penelope”
Penelope’s eyes did fill with tears this time,
“Oh, El, Congratulations. I do not know what to say”
“You do not have to say anything…actually….you can say yes to my next question. Will you be her godmother?”
“No, I was going to ask her that!” Felicity suddenly said, before realising what she had just unveiled.
Penelope’s jaw dropped, “You too?”
“Yes, oh, I am sorry, that just slipped out” she apologised to El and Penelope, both of whom waved her off.
“I cannot believe it, it is such wonderful news,” Penelope said, hugging each of them tightly.
“You do not mind us interrupting your celebration?” Felicity said worriedly,
“What? No, of course not! Never!” She assured her, making her visibly relax. “And to both of your questions, yes” she grinned.
That started another round of hugs, which triggered the rest of the families’ cooing over them. Penelope was only too glad of the reprieve of attention for a few moments; it had been quite the day of it, and she was certainly not used to such fuss. She congratulated Phillip and Geoffrey, then, when she was sure no one was watching, slipped out of the room.
She headed for the back terrace, needing a moment to collect herself.
She was so thrilled for El and Fliss, so much her heart could burst. But yet again, she was reminded of how different her life was from how she would have wanted. A few tears trickled from the corner of her eyes, cursing them as she wiped them away.
“Pen?” A voice came from the door behind her,
“Colin” she replied, barely drawing her eyes away from the black inky sky,
“Are you well?” He said as he came to stand beside her,
“I am fine, thank you”
“You disappeared”
“I did not think anyone noticed” she gave a small smile.
“I did”
Something about his tone made her turn toward him,
“Pen, what is the matter?” He said softly, somehow already offering her his handkerchief,
“Is it nothing. I am being silly,” she sniffed,
“You are crying, it is not silly if it is upsetting you”
“I am simply in mourning for a life I will never have”
“Pen…”
“Did you know that when Felicity was born, I attached myself to the hip of her nursemaid. I used to wake at all hours of the night to help care for her, play with her, and read to her. Anything really.
Colin smiled at the thought, “You were eight years old?”
“Yes, and I loved every second of it. She was the most darling child, and she loved me, obviously,” she laughed, “and after those first days, all I could talk about was one day when I would have a baby of my own. A lot at eight years old, I know”
“No, I remember Daphne being the same way ” Colin grinned, remembering his sister eagerly waiting the births of her siblings, maybe even more than their parents at times.
“I know, it was the same when Hyacinth was born a few months after Fliss. We were insufferable. Eloise hated it, of course”
“Oh, how times change” he chuckled lightly,
“Daphne got her wish” Penelope said into the night, “all four of them”
“Pen…” He said seriously.
“That is why I was upset, I will not get my wish. Most of the time, I am fine; I can push it down. But tonight….”
“With El and Felicity”, he said knowingly, and she nodded,
“I think it has just been a long day, and I was not prepared for it. Please do not misunderstand me, I am ecstatic for them, and I will be beating down the doors to hold their little bundles of joy as soon as I can. But I suppose I am just feeling a tad sorry for myself…that I won’t get that”
“Don’t say that, Pen”
She let out a humourless laugh, “Colin, I have been on the shelf so long I am gathering dust. I have no hope left. I am what…technically on my thirteenth season, not a single suitor. It is a sorry affair, really.”
Colin didn’t know what to say, didn’t know how to help, and it was making him feel wretched. So he did the only thing he could think of and pulled her into his arms. She went rigid, then her shoulders started to shake as sobs took over. He shushed her, rubbed a hand up and down her back soothingly, swallowed thickly as he blinked away his own tears. He had never seen her so upset, and it was upsetting him more than he would have anticipated. Perhaps he was overtired from his travels.
She calmed not long after; no words were exchanged as she remained in his embrace, and they did not need them for the moment. She just relished in his warmth, his care. Eventually, she pulled back, wiping at her face,
“Perhaps I can get a cat, or a little dog” she said in an attempt to sound lighthearted, voice still shaky.
Her eyes met his,
“Please do not pity me, I do not think I can bare than on top of everything else”
“I don’t, Penelope, I just hate that you are so sad” he said, taking her hand.
“As I said, normally it is not this bad; perhaps it is by the entrance into a new decade that is causing additional melancholy”
“The only tears one should cry on their birthday should be ones of joy or laugher”
“Perhaps next year” she smiled sadly, “You should go back inside, they will be missing you”
“No, I can wait…”
“I should like to be alone for a few moments, I shall follow you shortly”
He did not argue; he turned and headed back inside.
“Penelope, for what it may be worth. I still believe you could have your dream if you wish”
She couldn’t answer that.
“You can always come to me, to talk, for help, for anything. You do know that?”
“Yes, Colin”
“Good” he nodded, “don’t stay out here too long or I will be forced to come and fetch you”
“I won’t, now go” she chuckled.
She remained long enough so that the redness of her eyes faded, hopefully just being able to blame overheating for her absence. When she returned to the room, she was brought back into conversation immediately, but she could feel Colin’s eyes on her constantly, following her around the room, as they played parlour games, even when everyone retired for the evening.
Despite her exhaustion, she could not sleep. She tossed and turned thinking of Colin’s words…
“…I still believe you could have your dream if you wish…”
She knew it was an innocent enough statement, nothing more than a pleasantry from a caring friend. But she couldn’t shake it, she all but deemed marriage impossible, so that was a no-go. There were other ways to have a child…
Her cheeks flushed as she mentally corrected herself. There was only one actual way to have a child of her own, but multiple avenues to get to that point. Marriage was just the socially acceptable one. She jumped out of bed, pacing across the floor as she sorted her thoughts, a plan forming in her head, one that excited and terrified her all at once. Could she do it…maybe….?
She would need help, someone she trusted, someone unattached. Her pulse thudded. Could she ask him? No, that was ridiculous; he would never agree to such a thing. Then again, he did tell her she could come to him.
She flopped back onto the mattress, covering her eyes as if that did anything to quell her thoughts. At some point, she fell into a fitful sleep, tossing and turning until she woke not long after dawn.
She readied herself, not wanting to disturb Rae so early. She sat at her vanity, staring at her reflection, her mind racing. She was going to ask him, maybe she could phrase it in a way that made light of it, that would maybe make him offer, as unlikely as that was, maybe she could just get his opinion. That was it, only an opinion, that would be acceptable, she could live with that.
She stood, heart pounding, as she headed out to the corridor. It was a much more acceptable time of the morning now. All she needed to do was knock on the door, raise one arm and tap. Easy…
So then why couldn’t she do it? She stared at the wood, all but paralysed, then started to pace, muttering to herself. She was so locked in her self-flagellation that she did not hear or see the door open, or see Colin lean against the doorframe, arms folded, watching her in amusement.
“Pen?”
She jumped,
“You scared me!” She hissed,
“And you are going to start a fire on the carpet with your frantic pacing. What is wrong?”
There was a plan, she had a plan, exact, nice words that were carefully chosen to save embarrassment if it came to it. Such a pity it was when they were completely abandoned when she looked up and straight into his stormy blue eyes, blurting out exactly the thing that had been swirling around her mind all night.
“I wish to be a mother, and I wish for you to help me”
…..