Chapter Text
The sun was just beginning to set. Lovino put his bag down beside his desk, exhausted from school, collapsed onto the bed. Although he didn't particularly enjoy staying home, he hated being at school. Everyone around him did nothing but yell and annoy him. He didn't interact with others except to argue, whether it was because they were bothering him or for some other reason. Unlike him, his younger brother, Feliciano, a freshman at the same university, had countless friends to spend time with outside of class. Even though they were at the same university, he rarely spoke to his brother at school, and when he did, it was usually interrupted by Feliciano greeting his friends.
Lovino lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, when he turned his head at the sound of a knock on the door, followed by an opening. Feliciano stood there, one hand still on the doorknob, looking at him. His face showed a tense expression. Lovino sat up in bed and looked into his brother's eyes, expecting him to speak. Feliciano avoided his gaze. "Grandpa told me to call you downstairs."
"Is something wrong?"
“I don’t know.”
His conversations with his brother were generally short and to the point. Lovino had seen his brother countless times at school laughing or confiding in his friends loudly. He usually grimaced and walked away at this annoying noise, but deep down he knew he wanted to be there, to be one of them. Was he the reason his brother, who was so outgoing and well-liked, radiating joy, wasn’t like him or the others? Or was he the reason he couldn’t be like his brother or the others? Anyone who knew Lovino would instantly answer yes to the first question, but no one would dare ask the second.
He got out of bed and followed his brother out of the room. He was starting to feel a chill, though he didn't realize it, as he wondered why his grandfather might have called him. Feliciano's expression wasn't helping either. His grandfather was sitting on the sofa in the living room, waiting for them to come down. Feliciano went ahead, leaned against the wall, and crossed his arms. Lovino followed slowly, and as soon as his grandfather saw him, he gestured to the armchair opposite him. Lovino glanced at his brother before sitting down in the chair opposite his grandfather.
The middle-aged man opposite him remained silent for a short time, looking at the floor. Then he raised his head and looked at the boy, whose tension was evident in his posture. Then began to speak, choosing his words carefully.
“I have been responsible for you and your brother for years, and I have tried my best to raise you comfortably.” He glanced at Feliciano, who was watching him curiously, before turning back to Lovino.
“Lovino, you know that our family restaurant, our only source of income, isn’t making the same profit as before. It’s manageable for now, but we might even have to close it in the future. I’m sure neither of you wants that. And with your brother going to university like you, our tuition has increased, which hasn’t helped much; in fact, it’s one of the reasons we’re in this situation.”
Lovino had no idea where the conversation was going, but he felt uneasy listening. Judging by Feliciano’s expression, he didn’t know what the topic was either.
After a brief silence, his grandfather, indicating he didn't want to prolong the conversation, spoke again. “Lovino, you know you failed last year and—”
Lovino, feeling entitled to speak, jumped in without hesitation. “I know, we talked about it. You know it won't happen again! That year I weren't—”
“Lovino, I know your current grades, and you don't seem to be doing very well. Your brother is still adjusting to school, but unlike you, he's doing much better with his grades. And I'm not surprised, I haven't seen him come to me with a low grade yet. I wish you could be like your brother, but it doesn't look like it will be.”
Lovino clenched his fists, feeling his nails digging into his palms. Ever since his grandfather brought up his brother, he'd decided it was better to keep his eyes down and not speak.
This wasn't new to him; he was used to being compared to his brother.
“I thought it would be better for all of us if you dropped out of school and worked at the family restaurant.”
Lovino, taken aback by this unexpected statement, quickly raised his head and looked into his grandfather's eyes. The middle-aged man seemed more relieved to have said what was on his mind, and it was clear he was certain of what he was saying.
“You know how much I want to be a lawyer.”
Lovino was now standing, speaking without caring that his voice trembled as he looked at his grandfather, who was sitting opposite him, with great disappointment. He had heard his grandfather say such things about him many times before and was used to it, but he hadn't expected it to cause him to think something like this.
He realized then that what he had been thinking for a long time was true, a disappointment for his grandfather.
“I know, Lovino, but not everyone has to study. I already told you our situation isn’t improving. We’re in a time when we have to make sacrifices for the good of our family.”
“But why me?”
Lovino now looked directly at his brother Feliciano, who had been silently listening to the conversation from the beginning. Tears, the only way he could express his feelings besides shouting, were already welling up in his eyes.
Feliciano, feeling the eyes on him, was also surprised by the unexpected situation. “What do you mean?” He wasn’t pleased to see his brother like this, of course, but his brows furrowed when he realized he was looking at him with a very clear implication.
“You know exactly what I mean,” Lovino shouted. This time, tears streamed down his cheeks, but he didn’t care.
“So I’m to blame for this situation now? Just because I’m better off than you?”
Feliciano’s head turned to the side as a slap landed on his cheek. Lovino now looked at his younger brother, who was holding his cheek, with feelings he had never felt before. Instead of crying, he wanted to scream, to try to explain himself, but his throat felt constricted, and the strength to vent his anger was only enough to hurt his brother, even though he was telling the truth. Yes, he was telling the truth, but his brother was the last person he wanted to hear it from, even though he had heard it from others countless times. Yes, he knew it was true, but somewhere deep down, he thought his brother didn't think so.
His grandfather came over to them, pushing Lovino aside who was standing in front of Feliciano, and grabbed his grandson's chin, looking at the redness on his cheek.
"Go to your room, Lovino."
Lovino, looking at the redness on his brother's cheek with guilt, turned to the man in front of him.
"Grandpa-“
"I said go to your room. You will start work on Monday."
—
Lovino was five and Feliciano two when their parents died. From the moment of their parents' death, they lived with their grandfather, with whom they loved spending time. Lovino could remember those years, though not clearly.
Even though he was young, Lovino had promised himself that he would look after himself and his brother. They spent most of their time together. Lovino helped his brother with subjects he struggled with at school, and when he heard that his brother was being harassed by some friends, he would go to their classrooms, cause a scene, and get scolded by the teacher. They learned to make their favorite pasta together, watched their first movies together. They got scolded by their grandfather for knocking over a sack of flour, and secretly ate a whole box of candy they found in the cupboard. Almost all of Lovino's childhood memories were about his little brother.
The sun had long since set. Lovino sat on the floor of his dark room, dimly lit by the moonlight filtering through the half-open curtains, thinking about his brother. His brother who told him he was better than him. His little brother, who begged him to play, who showed him the pictures he'd drawn. His little brother, who was everyone and everything in his life.
Even though his brother was better than him at things like drawing and schoolwork since they were little, this never seriously bothered Lovino. He generally focused on the time he spent with his brother and his happiness.
Lovino first began to feel inadequate during his high school years. Making friends, which had been easy for him as a child, became difficult later on. Or perhaps he spent so much time with his brother that he didn't feel the need for friendships. During these years, Lovino's inner comparisons to his brother became more apparent, and he began to hear hints about it from those around him. He gradually got used to hearing from people he didn't know and felt no closeness to, that his brother was better than him despite his younger age. His grandfather's involvement in this led him, unknowingly, to grow cold and distant from his little brother, whom he had loved so much as a child and who was the most precious person in his life. Over time, Lovino found himself in an aggressive personality, intolerant of even the smallest things. Therefore, no one dared to ask if he was the reason he couldn't be like his brother or the others.