and I will probably harbor some doubts (but mostly i feel fine)

by pepper_407

Summary:

Speedy allows herself to reflect on a past relationship.

Notes:

this was originally supposed to be speedy reflecting on all the times she thought she had felt romantic and/or sexual attraction,,,, but then I got stuck on the shubble of it all and the flow for other stuff didn't make sense to me. anyways I just think transfem aspec speedy letting herself exist and break down her walls is soooo,,,,

the title is from I think I finally love myself by she/her/hers and like that song is a bit of an anthem for this little fic. to me. and yeah its on the nose but fuck it yk?

The Shubble situation in retrospect is much more damning than it felt at the time. At the time it actually felt like proof that Speedy could be normal, that she could be a guy who gets crushes on friends and even then goes on to date one. But looking back it was so fucking obvious how much she was just attempting to fool herself – with a side affect of fooling everyone around her.

Shubble was fun and cool and pretty. She was easy to spend time around and when it was placed in Speedy’s head by a well-meaning Deluxe (she can’t remember which one but if she was to take a guess she would bet on D4) it felt less like being forced into something that wasn’t right and more like something true was being revealed or explained to her. Of course she thought she had a crush on Shubble, I mean why the fuck wouldn’t she?

The fact that Shubble didn’t come back for season two of The Purge still fucks with her. Speedy knows the official reasons they gave didn’t include her – she bullied them out of Chilled. But neither Speedy nor Chilled are morons and the pitiful looks he gave her the whole time while telling her that Shubble is busy with lots of other servers and events and that with the server expanding so much this time round she really isn’t a necessary piece of the puzzle and that they will miss everyone but they’re sure she’s noticed that she’s gotten closer with a lot of people who aren’t in these circles. Speedy remembers almost asking Chilled to pass along a message to them, just wishing her well or something, but she couldn’t get the words out from the back of her throat.

Shubble probably knows by now, about Speedy and her gender and shit. She wonders what they think. She wonders if maybe it makes sense to them, even if only in retrospect. She wonders if they’re dating anyone (and then she wonders why the fuck that would even matter at all). She wonders if they’re doing well. Speedy hopes like hell they are.

She also wonders if they think about her; if she does then Speedy hopes she knows how glad she is for them.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 3 of a fic every day ? how fun !! (take 2 for the month lol)