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Sleep eluded Shadowheart for hours before she gave up and rolled onto her side to look at him. His bedroll was across the campfire. He lay upon it on his back, eyes closed, hands resting on his chest, which rose and fell with the even breath of sleep. His head lolled slightly toward her, his lips just parted. The dying firelight danced across his thick, sandy hair, bringing out the faint threads of auburn that hid beneath the surface. She allowed herself to wonder what it would be like to thread her fingers through it.
She swallowed and returned to her back, glaring at the stars twinkling above. In reality, she knew she could probably bury her hands in Renik’s hair whenever she wished. He seemed all too eager to let her. She still felt the ghost of his lips against hers, the night they had kissed near the waterfall. The way her stomach had fluttered and her skin had tingled at his touch. She clenched her jaw, willing her mind not to carry her too far away.
No, his willingness was not the issue. It was hers. There was much of her life she could not recall, but the one truth that had always remained was her desire to serve Lady Shar as a Dark Justiciar. How many times had she imagined the voice of her Lady calling to her from the shadows, telling her she had been chosen? That she had finally proven herself? Did she really want to throw that away for a pretty face?
The problem, of course, was that he was much more than that. If all he were was lovely to look at, he would be much easier to walk away from. Unfortunately, he was also kind, funny, and insightful. He could stare down a hellhound without flinching, and he had a habit of taking care of everyone else before seeing to himself. She didn’t need anyone to protect her, but she felt safe with him. She couldn’t remember another person who made her feel that way. In short, she trusted him.
Lately, she had found herself thinking less often of her holy ambitions and more often of her selfish ones. Of a life, with him. Tomorrow, they would near Moonrise Towers and be one step closer to ridding themselves of the illithid parasites. If they managed it, what would the after be like? A life with Renik? Sharing a bed she could picture. In fact, on long, lonely nights like tonight, she often had to actively try to stop envisioning it. But openly sharing her thoughts, her desires, her soul with another person? She had difficulty imagining that. And where would they even go? She couldn’t expect Renik to swear himself to Lady Shar, to accompany her back to her cloister in Baldur’s Gate. Even if he was willing, would she be allowed to keep him? Somehow, she doubted it.
But what was the alternative? To turn her back on the Dark Lady, to renounce her and reject the one who had given her purpose, direction, and power? Who had given her everything she had? A knot formed deep in Shadowheart’s chest.
She knew in her bones she could not have both. She knew an impossible decision haunted her horizon.
Shadowheart sighed and turned in her bedroll once again. Her eyes drifted back to Renik’s face, and she was startled to find him awake now, watching from across the embers. One side of his mouth curved into a soft smile. “You okay?” he mouthed.
She shrugged.
Renik bit the inside of his cheek and rolled onto his side to fully face her. They considered each other for a few moments before he pushed himself back on his bedroll and lifted his blankets to create an opening. For her.
Her heart leapt. How badly she wanted to go to him, to feel the press of his body against hers, to drift to sleep in his arms. But the closer she grew to him, the more she came to know him and care for him, the more conflicted she became.
She returned her focus to his honey-colored eyes and felt herself melting under his gaze, earnest and warm. Gods help me, she thought as she peeled off her own blankets and silently stepped over to his, careful not to wake the others sleeping nearby. She lay down beside him, and he draped the blankets and his arm over her. She folded into him, and he pulled her close, her face buried in his chest. She inhaled deeply, mind buzzing with the smell of him, with the feeling of his fingers tracing shapes on her back, his soft lips against the crown of her head.
It was at this moment she realized the truth: she was not conflicted, not torn between a life devoted to Lady Shar, and this. She would choose this every time. She would choose Renik. It was the consequences of that decision that were keeping her up at night.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he whispered, his breath tickling her ear and sending a shiver down her spine.
She came so close to opening her mouth, to spilling all of her feelings and fears to him. But instead, she just shook her head.
“Okay. I’m here, if you change your mind.”
She nodded, pulling back enough to look at him. She traced the lines of his jaw with her fingertips, and her eyes dropped to his lips. She met them with her own, and that now-familiar wanting feeling rushed through her as she kissed him. His mouth was gentle, slow and lingering in its response. She broke the kiss before letting herself get carried away and burrowed back into his chest. He tightened his arms around her.
This time, sleep came much easier as they both drifted into dreams, holding on to each other for the rest of the night.