Chapter Text
Since I was a child I always believed that dreams were something easy to get. Having the dream of seeing some animals, of going to that ferris wheel and being able to see the city from above, of being able to ride a bicycle without the support wheels. To me, it all seemed simple.
Until touching the skates for the first time. I was 7 years old.
Until that decision, as small as it was, it did not seem easy.
The fear of falling, of getting hurt, of not succeeding, started to seep in and made my legs shake.
“ You can do it Xiao Wei! I know it. “
Her voice was so sweet at that time. She was already on the ice rink, with those skates a bit worn and faded that gave her everything she had today. Our house, our stability, my father.
He was also on the ice that day, laughing from a distance with a camera in his hand. To them that moment was everything. In that ice rink small and too scratched, with so many children spinning and falling around. I held the edge of the rink with more strength, the anticipation and the fear mixing into something terrifying.
The great retired skaters, Wu zi Lang and Hao Lan Zhen. Winners of two winter Olympics in pair figure skating, and many national and intercontinental prizes. But the biggest prize of them, they said, was me.
“ Wu Suo Wei ! Do not be afraid my love, let 's go!”
But I still had fear of falling, fear of not succeeding, and maybe my biggest fear was not being enough.
I was only 7 years old, but I already understood their looks.
I already noticed when they bought skates of my size without me asking, when they made me watch youth figure skating championships and looked at me searching for some reaction, some will.
They wanted to draw my future.
But it is a very simple thought if it is taken into consideration. Golden geese lay their golden eggs and they will expect those eggs to hatch into golden chicks. And it is here that I fit in, the little golden egg of the skating swans.
That day, even with fear, I entered the rink. And even with fear I fell..
Several damn times.
Deep down I know my parents were waiting for me to love and try to connect with the ice in some magical way that existed in fairy tale books, or how it happened with them. But it was not really like that, I just fell and slipped from one side to the other with a face a bit too serious for the taste of my father, who still held that ridiculous camera.
They laughed and helped me get up, taking some small ice chips off me. My face burned and my mouth was a bit dry, but slowly I managed to balance myself. Slowly they let go of my hands and stayed by my side.
My mother, naturally, taught me how to relax my legs and trust my weight on the blade, taught me to bend my knees slightly and to angle my body in the right way so I would not flip backwards.
In a way I started to like how that sounded, not the skating itself, but her care and the love in teaching me what she loved to do so much.
My father was her skating partner since they were teenagers. He was so talented and hard-working, but my mother loved the ice. It was intense, she became someone complete when she was in that rink and her feet cut the frozen and transparent tide. My father followed that flow, enchanted by her and the warm and passionate aura that she gave off. He was the moth that was attracted by the flame and synchronized with her in a unique way, he became her complete shadow.
It was perfect, a mirror.
“How can I become like that?” “ How can I love so intensely like that” “ one day will I be able to have this control?” “ And if I am not enough?”
When I was 7 years old I practiced skating for the first time.
At 8 I joined the Beijing youth figure skating training center.
When I was 10 years old I won my first prize, a 3rd place in the amateur children's championship in Harbin.
When I was 12 years old I met Yueyue, a beginner skater who had talent and flexibility. She is the daughter of a great friend of my mother and we ended up having a good start of friendship, it was when she became my partner for the first time. Skating with her seemed lighter, she was always smiling and joyous and cheered me up when I didn't even want to see the ice.
At 15 years old I got my first 1st place in the amateur pairs championship, and right after the 1st place in pair skating in the semi-professional.
At 16 I decided I would join professional pair skating.
But not everything was as planned. It was when I discovered that dreams cost a lot and the pressure hurts much more than imagined.
My mother officially became my professional coach and my father my personal agent.
Mother and father, coach and personal agent.
My life became the skating rink, inside and outside of it.
Training every day, 4 days in the rink; choreography training, technical training and general warm-up and 3 days in extra activities outside of it; physical exercises, pilates, cardiovascular and motor training, appointments, food.
In two years, I never stopped. Like a machine fed by the satisfaction of being someone my parents were proud of.
At each well-executed jump, at each day well followed, at each correct step, seeing her smile and the relief of my father was already enough to make me believe that I could handle it, that I would overcome and be the new golden swan that they fought so much to build.
When I turned 18, mom did not consider me ready to compete professionally.
“Xiao Wei, I know we are trying our best but I still think there are gaps to fill. Think about Yueyue and you. I need you to be in perfect synchrony, but the harmony breaks a little for lack of something… I need you to feel the art, feel the ice, love it, embrace it and make it part of you.” She said to me that time.
“ But mother, I am ready! Heavens I did everything that was necessary, all the training, all the choreography. What is missing? What is not enough? “
“ Love is missing Xiao Wei! ”
Love is missing…
That night, with my eyes swollen from crying so much, I thought about that word. Do I not love the ice? I love my parents, I love the feeling of pride, I love having control of my body, I love being the first one, I love winning…
But,do I love the ice? Or do I love what it provides me?
I don't need to love, I need to use. I need it to give me the best of me just as I give my maximum to it.
Love does not need to exist. Effort and sacrifice it's enough…I only need them to be proud, and if I need to be at the top for that, I will go up.
Even if I force it to the maximum.
Beijing
“ I am so fucked damn it ! ”
The stairs of the second floor of my house never seemed as long as today. Exactly today, exactly today !!! My 19th birthday finally arrived, but that does not mean a day off. In fact, it means the most important day for me.
I ran to the downstairs bathroom, slamming the door while I looked for the mirror and fixed what was left of my messy hair and put on some lip balm. The training bag was heavy on my shoulder but the skates balanced on the other side gave me the necessary stability to not let me fall face first on the floor.
How embarrassing for a professional skater to trip because of haste..
Who cares ?! It is finally my moment and I am going to manage to be late!
I looked at my cell phone screen on the counter, one more call from Yueyue, may God help me because this woman is going to manage to make me go crazy before my 20s.
“ Talk fast because I am in a hurry ” I placed the phone between my cheek and shoulder, while I took some random fruit on the counter and left through the front door towards the car.
The day was beautiful, the sun was shining in that light way and the mist was very strong. It was already mid-January and the winter was still a bit shy. Since I was already used to the low temperature of the rinks, it kind of became my natural habitat.
“ I know you are in a hurry Wu Suo Wei… ”
Ah, that voice…
“ And maybe you won't even be able to enter the arena because I'm going to pull you out of that ridiculous car of yours and beat you with one of the sticks that the Hockey boys leave here in the locker room! ”
Yueyue has this type of temperament. She is an angel, but when she is under some type of stress things get a bit worse… just a little bit.
“ You knew that these threats don't work at all with me right? I'm going to make you eat that stick you brat” . I started the car after trying twice without success, one more point for the cold that leaves cars in a total dormant state.
As soon as I felt the engine start I sighed in relief, putting the phone on the holder and turning on the speakerphone. “ I am already late as fuck, I left home looking like those kids who collected bears for Yuzuru laoshi, my car didn't want to start and I still have to hear you complain? Give me some credit Yue.”
The traffic at this time was quiet, despite using the word “late” it was still only 07:30 in the morning and I was technically 45 minutes late.
Ah, that is a lot of minutes, I am screwed.
But feeling the wind like this, cold and liberating, was not a bad idea, maybe driving calmly would not do me any harm. Another 10 minutes won't hurt anyone, just one day going a bit out of line can be forgiven by mom.
“ Listen Dawei, the guys are here. Not just your parents. I think it is finally our moment.”
“ What ? ” I almost missed the moment of the curve, almost made a mistake switching the clutch for the brake. “ Yueyue, are you sure it seems to be ‘those’ guys?”
“ Yes, they arrived here about 20 minutes ago and they are talking about us. Your mother is showing some of our training routines and rehearsals of our choreographies. If it's not them then throw me to the wolves. “
Slowly the feeling of vomit rose through my throat, the acid mixed with the nervousness and the despair of finally having an answer to my waiting. Suddenly time seemed too slow, I needed to go, I needed to speed up.
The guys were not just guys, they were from the professional sphere. A team, ready to manage new talents in the professional field in intercontinental, national, friendly tournaments and especially the winter Olympics. Trainers capable of raising the level of a skater who seems to be a great promise.
Finally, this moment arrived.
My hands tightened on the steering wheel and Yueyue's voice was no more than a murmur in the back of my ears. The landscape seemed clearer, the buildings seemed brighter, the sun on the skin felt hot in a formidable way. Finally, my dream would start to take shape.
“ Yue.” I called softly, while parking the car outside the hockey arena. “ This time, we are going to make it.”
I did not wait for an answer and she also did not need to say something, we both knew that now was the right time.
I piled everything I needed on my shoulders and went up the stairs slowly. The arena itself was not that big, but it was comfortable enough to train. Since it belongs to a hockey team there are games very frequently and the ice is always smooth and retouched, Besides that, it is not that far from home and I can enter at any time of day or night. In any case, just for me.
I passed through the main gate at a record speed, the bag slipping off one side of my shoulder while I tried to balance an apple and the phone in the other hand, I saw Mr. Zhang in the same place as always, the “ Good morning Xiao Wei ” always coming low from the booth where he stayed.
I just smiled and passed fast through the double doors, my step not as accelerated as the heartbeat in my chest.
What the ice asked from a skater was calmness, coolness, calculated movements, while my heart felt like an engine ready to make a rocket take off. Each step, each open door, brought me tired memories blurred at the edges by the significant effort.
I saw from above the small group in the middle of the smooth ice, Yueyue was just a small figure dressed in a cream hoodie in the corner of the rink, messing with her phone. She seemed calm, but the slight lean of the shoulders, the restless shaking of the foot, the eyes searching for me beyond the rowed chairs, made it clear that she was very nervous.
I feel my face getting a bit complicated.
She is too nervous…
Her look crossed mine, and as I got a bit closer I noticed that her forehead had a strong frown and that did not change upon seeing me. In fact it got worse.
There really was something wrong.
I did not approach the edge of the ice and because of that no one who was on the ice saw me. I went straight to her side in the available chair and sat down without making much noise, looked at her face closely and finally I could see her releasing a sigh and relaxing her posture.
“ Go on, say what is happening. ”
Something that exists between me and Yueyue, since we were young, is that we do not need to go around the subjects that have us as the center. You could call this “involuntary coordination” or something like that. But she lives in my head and in my body as much as I live in hers, we have been ice partners for years and outside of it we are each other's pillar. She saw me in my worst moments, supported me in our defeats, and cheered me in our victories.
So seeing her stealing looks to the sides and trying to find words made me feel a strange sting in the corner of my brain.
“Dawei… I tried to hear a bit of their conversations with auntie but I couldn't, so I came to the corner. I could only look and that's when I started to find something strange. ” She spoke so low, her hair slipping a bit forward while she leaned towards me. I leaned back towards her, trying to hear her whisper. “ Can you recognize two or three faces there?”
I took my eyes off the floor and tried to focus on the small group that was in the center of the ice. My mother was a bit closer to the edge with a tablet in her hand, some of the people were with their backs to me, but two of them were not.
“Gan-zi ? And Wei Long ?” I turned to Yueyue so fast that my neck complained, but I didn't care at all about the pain. “ What are the former coach and his assistant doing here ? ”
She shrugged, obviously knowing much less than I could know at the moment. If I am not mistaken this is part of the team of someone extremely important for the sport in China.
“ I have no idea either, you know, they weren't even in China until last week.” She poked something on the phone, showing it to me next. On the screen was a photo of Gan-zi and a Russian costume designer who worked in the male solo figure skating delegation. The location was marked ‘ Moscow - Russia ’. “ As for him I have no idea where he is, the last time I saw something of his on a social network he was at the children's training event in Berlin, at the Horst Dohm Ice. ”
“ Germany? ” I pondered more to myself than to her, returning my look to the ice. One of the women was now by my mother's side, both pointing things on the screen and also to their own body, probably marking ruffles and folds of the uniform fabrics. I looked at her face, it was definitely his costume designer. “ What the hell is Chi Cheng's team doing here? ”
My question remains unanswered because as soon as I close my mouth a knock on the rink glass takes me out of the bubble of confidentiality that surrounds me and Yueyue. On the other side my mother is waving, finally seeing me for the first time. Different from other days her face is lit up, radiating achievement.
My heart gets tighter, that feeling of error getting sharper in my head. I offer a slight smile to her while I pick up my skates. “ Good morning Mom, sorry for being late.”
She smiles slightly, leaving the rink through the side door and coming to me. She always has that same smell of ground coffee, ice, and something a bit fresher. She was like a cold breeze that refreshes on a hot morning, but if it comes too strong it can end up freezing your body in place.
“ Suowei, my love, my little baby, congratulations. Your father left earlier today because he wanted to buy something special for you.” She knelt in front of me, taking the left skate from my hand while I pulled up the hem of my pants. It was not her custom to put my shoes on so I just enjoyed the feeling of being slightly spoiled by her.
This is so rare.
“ Mom, I saw the people on the rink with you. I recognized some of them, do you have something to tell me that I need to know?” I looked at her from above, her eyes did not go up to my face once while I questioned, but the tightening of the laces got stronger. She has very firm hands.
“ What you need to know now is that this is the result of a year of much effort. There were many nights of poor sleep, Suowei, many uncertainties and frustrated attempts.” She took the other skate and I bent down to pick up the other hem of the pants.
“ I know Mom, but I thought this part would include me. I would like to know in advance that these people would be here, you already knew. Don't they already have a skater?”
“ Your part is to enter the ice and skate . My part is to strengthen your team, prepare you for the future.” It did not sound rude, but the way she spoke made me have even more the feeling of being just an object. “ You were always correct, you walked the way I taught you and all of this was to reach this moment.”
She finished tightening the laces and gave a tap on my legs together, I looked at her deeply, eye to eye. She is so similar to me, but at the same time so different. A face so kind surrounded by sharp, clinical, astute eyes.
I am just a younger version, with a slightly thinner face and eyes that are too big. And as if I didn't already seem innocent and open enough, destiny still gave me two twin moles right below the eyes, a gift to make me look softer and less like her.
In the end the words are always the same
“ Yes, Mother. I trust you and I know it is right. Whatever comes I will do my best ”
I smiled small, seeing her face create a slight expression of happiness. “ Great Suowei, let’s go then. Let’s go to the ice, they are waiting for you both.” She smiled, going in front of me, pulling Yueyue by the arm and saying how she looked more beautiful each day that passed.
When my black boots touched the ice, that feeling came again. It always comes when I enter the rink, the feeling that something is missing, a feeling that we both are not connected.
It may seem strange, thinking that the ice could connect with someone or vice-versa. But when your life is shaped on top of that, you start to believe that the ice has life and that it whispers things back to you. Like a large mirror waiting to feel your delivered soul, to reflect you in the most splendid way possible.
But I cannot see my reflection, I feel it whisper in my ear but that doesn't reach the bottom of me. As if everything I did was stay up there and not inside it.
I stretched my legs a bit and glided close to the group that was in the center of the rink, they were talking low among themselves in groups of two or three separated, but soon they joined when they observed me, Yueyue and mom approaching.
It was definitely Chi Cheng's technical team, and that made me so nervous that I had to make an extra effort to not let my knees shake. What is this? Did they leave Chi Cheng? Impossible.
Everyone from the sport in China knows how united they are to Chi Cheng. Since the beginning of his career, many of this team were there, especially Gan-zi. They also know how heavy it was for everyone when the accident occurred… On that day, when Chi Cheng lost everything, the team lost with him too.
So why here ? Why with me?
“ Good morning to all.” I smiled minimally while I bowed, pulling slightly on Yueyue's arm to stay by my side. “I am very happy to meet you. Well, I am Wu Suo Wei and by my side is YueYue, my ice partner”
The shorter man, dressed in a light dark hoodie and skates of the same color, approached me with his hand raised. “Well, you surely know me by now, I’m Gan-zi.” He pointed to himself while shaking my hand in short movements. “This is Chi Cheng’s personal assistant, Wei Long.” He pointed to the tall, slender man beside him.
Little by little, the whole team was introduced to me. Two physical trainers, a physiotherapist, a costume designer, a psychologist, a choreographer, a nutritionist, an equipment technician—and the more I heard them speak, the less I understood. I wanted to ask, ‘Have you all abandoned Chi Cheng?’ or ‘Has Chi Cheng really quit the ice?’ but both questions sounded so foolish to me.
“Suowei, Yueyue,” Gan-zi spoke, pulling me out of my internal questioning and placing me back where I should be and focus. “I’m sorry we haven't started yet; I know this moment is very important for you, but we are waiti—”
He couldn't finish speaking; his gaze shifted from my face to the side of the rink, and I saw his shoulders relax as he let out a sigh of relief.
There was no murmur or noise behind me, nothing to indicate a living being in that spot. But then, a light click of blades made me turn.
That was when I saw him.
Chi Cheng.
He glided slowly across the ice. So light, like a breeze, like low clouds scraping across the sky. His body was slender and tall, with broad shoulders and compact musculature hidden under a slightly heavy black sweater, fitted up to the neck, and jeans of the same color.
He was smooth, but his gaze was a blade too sharp for the ice to bear. If my mother had powerful eyes, Chi Cheng would steal someone's breath the moment he looked up at them. I swallowed hard, my hands sweating slightly as his eyes locked onto me in evaluation; I returned the look neutrally, but inside I felt dragged, feeling the pressure on my knees grow a bit stronger.
He circled the entire rink without much care for whether people were waiting or not, looking at the ice, testing the grooves, lightly clicking the toe picks of his skates and chipping away small shards of ice along the way. He was studying the place, as if knowing that information were vital from now on.
My body pivoted on its blades without realizing it, following his rotation, studying him, feeling that the ice did this on purpose—it made me orbit that open rotation of another body.
For the first time, I felt the ice say something.
‘Look.’
I looked at him, truly.
Chi Cheng was absolute. He was the contained chaos that didn't last long enough, the fruit still far from maturity that was plucked from the tree without offering the succulent juice of its prepared core.
Those long, slender legs in the slightly tight pants were powerful, but now they hid a veiled care. Those black boots had seen countless victories—two of which were the ultimate prize—and now they followed a linear and tranquil path.
That smooth face, with well-defined lines and soft, angled cheekbones, was an invitation to admire. But his eyes were the key. Sharp, analytical, chaotic, aggressive, and cutting eyes. The eyes of the man who defeated everyone except himself.
“It was a pity, a true tragedy,” I thought to myself.
The people around me organized themselves automatically, a small, somewhat disordered line, all facing where he had stopped, right in front of me.
He really is quite tall…
“Chi Cheng! It’s been so long. It is truly such a great pleasure to have you back in China.” My mother took the lead of the group, gliding toward him. Her smile was hard to decipher; it looked like relief, an achievement. Beside me, Yueyue gripped the sleeve of my sweater; she also knew that something was clicking into place in a way beyond comprehension.
Chi Cheng smiled at my mother while giving a slight bow. His black hair fell forward a bit, and his eyes analyzed her from under his lashes. “Auntie, it’s been a long time,” he replied softly. “I wouldn’t be able to refuse a request of yours made with such persistence. Besides being something as promising as what I saw in the videos, we are talking about the son of one of the greatest talents the ice has ever seen.”
I see her laugh as she grabs his arm; I look around and everyone is laughing too. But what catches me is the mention of me. As if it were something coordinated, Mom opened her stance a bit and beckoned for me to approach the two of them.
My body almost failed to function, but my brain forced my legs to move. I approached slowly, looking steadily at him and then back at my mother. I just wanted answers. Yue came small at my side, like a curious child approaching something very dangerous who needed someone strong in front to lead. But I couldn't be the strong person she wanted, not now.
I stopped a few centimeters away. This close, looking at his face, I notice the subtle line of boredom and fatigue hovering between his thick eyebrows.
He has a mole at the corner of his lip.
How cute.
I bow as low as possible in a clear act of respect. “Chi Laoshi, it is truly incredible to be able to see Laoshi again. The last time was truly years ago, at the time of the accident.”
I see his gaze analyze me from head to toe now. A naked, cold, clinical, and measured look, as if analyzing a very fine and intrinsic tool.
“Wu Suowei, I am grateful for the hospitality.” My name came slowly off his tongue; he moved a little closer and I realized he really was very tall, and his shoulders were broad enough to make me disappear. “It is a pleasure to meet you. Your mother spoke a lot about her prodigy son.”
His face softened and he gave a small smile.
“I am happy, Laoshi. It was truly a surprise to me that both you and your team chose us to pursue professional training.” I look at my mother, who is a bit further away with the same look of achievement as before.
“A surprise?” Chi Cheng said, his gaze going to my mother and back to me and Yueyue. There were no longer any signs of a smile on him. “I see.”
“Yes.” I pulled Yueyue, who was still a step behind, closer to me. “The two of us have been training and striving very hard to get into the professional league; we’ve been a pair since we were children. I’m sure we won’t disappoint.”
Again, the silence felt wrong. My mother finally took off the mask of achievement and put on the same one as always—that authoritarian mask that said ‘be quiet and do as you’re told,’ which only I could see. Gan-zi and Wei Long exchanged looks, and someone a bit behind cleared their throat.
“I’ve never trained an adult before, Wu Suowei. In the meantime, I have only been teaching a few children while I focused on my recovery, but your mother wanted me to train you.” Again, I see Chi Cheng glide on his blades across the ice. He didn’t go far, but his voice was loud and certain; whatever he was going to say was already decided. “I saw your training videos, I saw your choreography, your technique, and then I understood. I understood the reason for the insistence on bringing me back to the country I didn’t think I’d return to so soon.”
My blood ran cold bit by bit; the smile I tried to keep on my face was nothing more than a straight line now.
‘You’ ‘Your training’ ‘Your technique’ ‘Wu Suowei’
“You are a natural talent, Suowei. You are a cut diamond. But you are not polished.” Chi Cheng continued his speech, and I forced myself to look at him again instead of the ice beneath my feet. “When I see you skate, I only see technique, calculation, precision, strength. But there is no heart.”
“That is why I am here. I will be the jeweler who gives brilliance to the diamond.”
“We are a pair.” I find my voice, keeping it neutral and loud. I see Chi Cheng return to where I am standing, and now he is truly close.
“You were a pair.”
It wasn't him who said it; it was my mother who approached from the side. Her voice was low and firm.
“Your father and I, after analyzing all possible probabilities at length, decided that we are going to enroll you in Men’s Solo and not Pairs.”
What?
I felt my stomach tie in a knot and my axis tilt. It wasn't possible; I heard it wrong. I looked at Yueyue’s face again and she was completely frozen in the corner, eyes wide at the floor, hands crossed in her lap in a tight grip. She didn't say anything, not a single word.
I tried to keep my face neutral and hid my shaking hands.
“This was done without my knowledge; until yesterday, Yue and I were training in pairs. How could this… just like that, all of a sudden…”
I searched Chi Cheng’s eyes and was surprised to find confusion there too. He was looking at my mother, not at me. He wanted answers.
“It’s simple. Yueyue is extremely talented, spirited, artistic from the tips of her hair to the blades of her skates. It’s a waste.” The way she spoke was so clinical, as if Yueyue were just anyone and not the girl who grew up with us, with her. “So, she will enter the women's solo and I will be her coach.”
I see.
“Chi Cheng is the most artistic man I have ever known in my entire life story, and I feel that you need someone different, with a different approach.”
The words came in small fragments to my ears. All my life my mother was the line I guided myself by; she was the beginning and the middle. All of this was for her, for them.
“So Chi Laoshi is going to be my coach? Mom, you’ve been with me my whole life; I don't know if this can work.”
I felt that familiar thing again, that fear of speaking against her, bubbling at the back of my throat. I didn't dare look into her eyes, because the moment I do, everything will crumble.
“Perhaps it’s this different approach that you need. Suowei, I’ve already done everything I had to do as your coach; I will still be here by your side, but with Chi Cheng you can discover new ways to find yourself.” She stood right in front of me, a bit shorter than I, but none of that affected how tiny I felt near her. Not like a child, but like an insect. “Listen to me, you are going to do this and you’re going to do it right, as you’ve always done.”
“I don’t want to do this alone, Mom. I never have.”
She smiled at me, and it hurt more than if she had screamed or slapped me. Because she knew I would accept; this was already a closed conversation.
“You can do it, and you won’t be alone. We will train the two of you close to each other; you won’t be away from Yueyue. And Chi Cheng… Well, he might seem a bit cold, but it’s just a facade. I’ve known him since he was a teenager; he is very good and easygoing. You will adapt well.”
She sought my eyes and I stared at her without saying anything. I didn't say ‘yes ma’am’ or anything of the sort; I just stood there. She didn't need me to confirm anything; this wasn't a question from the start.
Chi Cheng remained like a shadow in the corner of my eye, observing everything. I wanted to know what he thought of this; he said he was also surprised. So my mother probably didn't tell him everything he needed to know.
Ah, this is a complete mess.
Mom didn't wait either. She took Yueyue’s wrist and led her over to the woman who had been talking to her about costumes before. I should have realized; the team is too large for a pair but perfect for two solo skaters.
I was left alone in the same corner, the ice much more interesting than talking to other people. I was so angry—not disappointed—deprived of being able to show even a minimal reaction.
I didn't notice when he approached my side; when I realized it, he was already pressed against me, his face low near my ear. I didn't turn to look at him; I just let him do what he had in mind.
His voice reached me like a whisper.
“So you’re that kind of skater? It doesn’t surprise me that your artistic side doesn't exist.”
There was no laugh, no mockery; it didn't sound like a provocation. It sounded only like a sentence—the sentence of what I had always known.
He skated away, leaving me there with that stone stuck to my leg. Yes, I am that kind of skater.
Yes, I won't talk back.
Talking back means going against the line.
Going against the line means going against everything I’ve lived.
I lived for pride, for achievement. Not for stubbornness.
But now the line has vanished; it has been blurred by the icy surface of unpredictability. Alongside a man who was a ghost, my new line was emerging—something whose pattern I didn't know, where I didn't know the limit, where the rhythm was completely different from what had sounded in my ears.
Chi Cheng was reclaiming everything, and I was just the icy mist of that rink. Letting the breeze guide me to an unknown place.
Mom, I’m scared. Please, don’t leave me here alone. Please