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“Alright, one more time, from the top!” Bill tried to act upbeat, but his eyes didn’t convey the same emotion his eyes did. Drew took a breath. He was too distracted.
He knew he needed to focus. Their next show was in two weeks and if they don’t get this down they’ll look like idiots.
Again, they tried. The noise usually comforted Drew. It quieted the thoughts in his head, his mind solely focused on his fingers, the bass, and weaving the sounds he created with the rest of the band. It was chaos, but it was his chaos. Chaos he had control over.
Today however, this just didn’t seem to be the case. The music mixed with and amplified the feelings and swirling thoughts and ideas in his head. Yet again, he messed up. Wrong rhythm, wrong notes, wrong time. Dammit.
“Hey Drew. You doing alright?” Ward asked, raising an eyebrow.
“I’m fine.” It came out harsher than he meant it too. “I’m going to go to the bathroom. I need a break.” He walked up the stairs in a daze. His brain felt fuzzy and it was hard to focus on any particular thought.
He made it to and entered the bathroom, and with hands he fought to keep from trembling, closed and locked the bathroom door behind him.
Slowly, he pulled down his pants. A bright red patch, one that he expected, but was revolted by no less than if he had. He hated it so much. He paid hundreds of dollars for those injections over the past seven months. And for what? The exact same thing? The blood dripping down his legs, the stench clinging to his body like a perfume reminding him of everything he tried to forget about his body?
He knew there had been upsides, his friends commented on his deeper voice and scraggly mustache. But those had never bugged him the way his periods did.
“Fuck. Okay. I can deal with this.” He whispered to no one in particular. “It’s just routine, right?”
He didn’t have any pads with him. He didn’t want to see them in his bag if he didn’t need them. They were a painful reminder of what he had that other guys didn’t. So, he had to make do with a wad of toilet paper. He ran a bit more toilet paper under the sink, getting it wet so he could clean off the blood on his skin.
After all that, he pulled his pants back up and glanced at the toilet. He needed to take a piss, the question was, how badly?
Often, when he had his period he’d put off going to the bathroom, showering, and other similar tasks as long as possible. If he did, it was with the lights out and as quick as possible.
His thoughts kept going, and he ended up zoning out staring at the toilet until a knock on the door and the call of his name snapped him out of it.
“Drew?”
-
The other band members watched Drew leave. For a moment, they all just sat there in silence. Bill looked at Ward, who just shrugged.
“Do you think one of us should go after him?” Bill looked at the others for their input.
“Yeah, I think so. He didn’t seem too well,” Ward nodded.
“So… Bill, are going to talk to him?” Rodrick asked.
“Nope,” Bill said. “I’ve dealt with enough teen angst to know that offered support from an adult, no matter how well intentioned looking back, always just seemed… like they didn’t really get it, I guess? Just not really like the advice or help they gave really worked for me. Although, looking back, I probably just didn’t understand it.”
“I assume you aren’t wanting to go either?” Rodrick looked at Ward.
“Nah, man. I don’t really know Drew like how you do. We’re pals, but not the same way you guys are.”
“But I don’t know what to do or say when it comes to this stuff.”
“Relax, just go with the flow and do whatever feels right.” Bill placed a hand on Rodrick’s shoulder.
“I understand what you meant about adults giving useless advice now.”
“Ha!” Bill laughed. “Get outta here! Go give your boyfriend some emotional support!”
“He’s not… whatever.”
Rodrick and Drew had been getting those jokes for a while now. Rodrick usually didn’t take the bait. Not like Drew did. Red-faced, raised voice yelling, “You aren’t funny, Bill!” Or the occasional sarcastic remark. “Hilarious, Ward. I’m dying of laughter.” Although, those were much more infrequent and usually only happened when Drew was in a particularly bad mood.
Kind of like how he was today. But something just didn’t feel the same. Today Drew stayed quiet whenever Bill cracked jokes and didn’t play very well. Usually he’d shoot a comment back, and he always, without fail, would play well, if not better, putting every ounce of his rage into his playing. He stopped at the bathroom door and listened for a moment. Nothing. He might as well go for it. He rapped on the door.
“Drew?”
-
Ward turned towards the smiling blond-haired man. “You really think this’ll make it better?”
Bill shrugged, “I mean, it probably won’t make it worse.”
-
“Rodrick, is that you?”
“Yeah. Can I come in?”
“Um… why? That’s kinda weird.” Drew gave a painfully obvious fake laugh.
“I mean, you don’t need to let me in, I just saw you leave and was worried about you.”
“Jeez man, calm down. I’m fine. Just had a bit of… a rough day.”
“You sure? You don’t need to tell me anything you don’t want to, but if you do wanna talk to me you can.”
“Ehhh, fine. Can we do it somewhere else than the bathroom, though? So it feels less depressing.” He unlocked and opened the door. Rodrick noted that he didn’t seem in horrible shape, but had dark circles under his eyes.
“We can go to my bedroom.”
“Sounds good to me.”
They walked through the house. Greg, Manny, and Frank weren’t home. Susan, however, was taking a nap in her bedroom so they made sure to be quiet as to not disturb her.
“My room’s messy. Watch your step.” Rodrick warned. They carefully made their way across the dimly lit room, avoiding the piles of messy clothes and various bits of trash.
Finally, they made it to the bed and sat side by side. They both stared at each other not wanting to be the first to speak. Then, Rodrick grinned at Drew. Drew fought the urge to smile back, but eventually Rodrick won out, and Drew smirked and looked away, a faint blush warming his cheeks. He hoped Rodrick’s eyes weren’t adjusted enough to the dark to see.
“I’ll tell you why I’m being weird now. You know how I’m a guy right? But not the same way you are, yknow?” Rodrick nodded. “Well, today I… I have… I got…” He knew Rodrick knew that he had periods and didn’t think of him any less of a man due to it, but he still struggled to say the words.
“I’m bleeding. I started today.”
“Oh.” Rodrick said.
“Usually they’d start before we had a meetup and I’d just say I was busy or sick or something else, or just wouldn’t align with our practices at all, but I felt it start when I was on my way with Ward today and I couldn’t just tell him I suddenly couldn’t go without him being worried or thinking something was seriously wrong, yeah? So I thought I’d just deal with it and do my best not to think about it but I ended up fixating on it instead.” He looked at Rodrick. “I don’t want to tell the others.” Drew being trans was just something the members had eventually ended up figuring out, through things he said and Rodrick’s confirmation, after he asked Drew if he wanted to say it himself and Drew asked Rodrick if he could say it himself. Still, he didn’t feel like telling them about his current situation.
“Yeah, I get that. What do you want me to say instead?”
“Mmmm. I don’t care”
“You sure?” Rodrick leaned into him.
“Yeah. Just make it believable and not too embarrassing for me.” He slung his arm over his friend’s shoulders.
“Sure thing.”
-
“What do you think they’re doing?” Ward asked.
“If it were any other teen couple, I’d say probably kissing. But in this case I’d say Drew is going into an angry rant and Rodrick’s just listening and doing his best at being supportive and helpful. And they both are looking at each other longingly praying the other will step up and kiss them.” Bill said thoughtfully.
Ward chuckled at that. “Yeah, for sure.”
Unbeknownst to them, the two had crept down the stairs. “The fuck did you just say?” Drew said glaring.
“See, Ward? I was right!”
“Fuck you guys.”
“Good to see you’re back to your usual friendly self, Drew.”
Rodrick just shook his head. “Let’s just get back to practicing.”