Chapter Text
The busy city of Bangkok never slept. Neon lights flickering, Banners and billboards adorning the night view in such a way it was looking like a dream to live in. In the vibrant city glowing with all the people and their happy content smiles, a teenager could only look out of his room's window to glance at the setting sun and the busy bright and loud world outside his room.
"Young Master" He heard the maid call out which broke him out of his trance. Wordlessly he glanced at her "The Master has called for you" she said not meeting his eyes. He just nodded at it after all he was very used to being summoned by his so-called father. "What did you fuck up this time , Diesel??" he muttered to himself. He exhaled sharply before heading out of his room.
Diesel stood in front of his father, his eyes never leaving the ground as his father’s gaze cut through him. The room smelled faintly of his expensive cologne, authority and an atmosphere Diesel had spent his childhood years growing to hate. His father didn’t raise his voice , he knew he didn’t need to. The calm, manipulative control he was well aware that he had on Diesel was worse than any yelling, any screaming or grounding this was a promise that the punishment would be something inevitable and painful enough so he never forgets it. “You think you can make mistakes like this and nobody would notice?” his father asked, sharply. "Drugs? Really? You are such a disgrace" he said placing the packaging diesel knew by heart The drugs they sell at his school on the table. When Diesel opened his mouth, trying to explain-
Before words even left his mouth his father's hand shot in a blink of an eye. The slap hit hard across his cheek, stinging, the harsh pain he felt from his whole body to his core. The burning pain wasn’t just physical it reminded him about his painful life and how he was helpless to do anything about it.
"Did I make myself clear to you?" his father asked with a ghost of smirk lingering on his lips. Diesel nodded trying blink away the tears from the sting, the assault and humiliation. "I didn't raise you to not speak when i asked you something" his father said grabbing him harshly by his arm. Diesel's knuckles turned white at how hard he was clenching his fists "Got it" he managed to say before he could get his father more angry or worse to get him to slapping him again. His father gave him a satisfied smile and left, leaving Diesel all alone in the big dining room and Diesel let the pain and humiliation sink into his heart deeper "you are a man and men don't cry" he can hear his father's harsh voice in his head.
Diesel let out a small, trembling breath and sank against the wall trying to cave in his emotions. The anger surfaced again, but deep beneath it was something older, deeper the hollow ache of a non-loving childhood, the knowledge that his wounds never healed, and the grim understanding that surviving his father meant surviving himself. He knows that no amount of apologies or behavior could ever satisfy his father.
The front door slammed hard enough to make a loud thud in the empty walls of the mansion. Diesel didn't remember how he ended up in his car. He didn't drive. The keys were still in his hand and the engine never roared back to life. With shaking hands he reaches for the pack of cigarettes and lit up one. He inhales the smoke deeper than he should, letting his lungs sting at the burn. Let it hurt He thought letting our a humorless chuckle. With the smoke curling around him, He just sits motionless taking occasional drags from the cigarette. The phone in his hand has never felt more heavy. He knows he shouldn't be calling her. But he does. After three rings Lukjan picks up-
"What's the matter?"
Diesel regretted calling the moment she picked up. Her voice had no warmth nor any concern.
"Where are you?" Diesel asked, voice flat.
"I'm out with some friends, why?"
Diesel hesitates. He almost opened his mouth to say something dangerously close to i need you around now. But his pride didn't let those words come out-
"Nothing, just do whatever you are doing" he mutters.
Click-
She hung up first. Diesel stared at his phone for a long time. It was always like this- Lukjan wasn't someone to lean on. She was someone who encouraged chaos until it was interesting. If it ever got dull he knows she would be the first to walk out. He knows he is dumb to ever think he meant something to her more than a fling.
Everyone leaves when it gets ugly. EVERY SINGLE ONE-
When he finally makes it back into the house. The walls have quietened as if nothing happened.
Diesel shuts himself in his room.
He walks to the mirror without meaning to.
There he sees it. The imprint of his father's hand.
Red.
Real.
Done out of pure rage.
His lips wobble as he stared at his reflection.
"You're so fucking pathetic" he mutters.
He hated himself more.
Because he knew the drugs weren’t about rebellion against his father. They weren’t about proving a point. They were silencing the noises in his head of the constant painful reminder that he was never good enough, never obedient enough, never the son his father wanted and he never will be-
what's worst about that was-
For a split second after the slap… he had felt like that little boy again.
Small. Helpless. Scared. Clueless about why his father never looked at him like he meant something. Wondering why his father never wanted him.
Ever since he was a kid, he knew he could be dead and his father wont shed a tear for him. What scares him more is that a part of him still believes that one day his father would be proud of him.
Before he could even blink them away his first tear fell and it stripped him bare.
He tried to stop them from falling. He really did. But the sob that escapes him is quiet and sounds nothing like the Diesel everyone thinks they know. He bites his lips trying not to get any sound out. Diesel takes long breathes to calm himself down. He wont break he convinced himself. For someone like him strength is survival and weakness or breaking down is a luxury he could never afford. Because breaking down is always for the people who had the luxury to be comforted. And for Diesel something any close to comfort is way out of the league.
He wipes his face roughly.
“Get a grip” he mutters.
He refuses to let himself cry over this. Over his so called father. Over Lukjan. Over his never present mother.
And he's back to himself again. The cold, calculating, controlled self everyone knew. Something Diesel portrayed throughout his life.
That's when he hears his phone vibrate in his pocket. He took it out to decline it but he stopped as he saw the name.
Dream.
Something in his chest shifts not enough to break him, but enough to soften his heart by a little. He answered the call-
"What?" he says, and to his surprise he sounded less harsh than he expected to.
"Diesel.... Are you ok?" He felt the guilt creep in as he heard the concern in her voice.
"I'm fine" He lies.
“You don't have to lie to me and I can feel that you are not fine, Sel,” she says softly.
He exhales slowly.
“He hit me” he says finally, voice low.
There’s silence on the other end.
“I'm sorry” she whispers.
His throat tightened painfully.
“It doesn't matter anyway” he muttered.
“It does matter” Dream replies. “You didn't deserve that.”
The words feel foreign and dangerously comforting.
“Don’t make it a big deal,” he says quietly.
“I won't,” she promises. “But you're not alone, ok? I'll always be here. You might act coy about not wanting anyone but I'm pretty sure you need some. You can call me whenever you feel like it. Even if its like two or three in the morning".
..........
His voice got softer after that "Okay" he replies.
After the call ended, his heart loosened a little.
Diesel lied back on his bed, staring at the ceiling.
He didn’t break tonight.
But if he ever does…
It’ll probably be in front of her.